back to article Man cuffed for testing fruit with bum cheek pre-purchase

Anyone that’s ever had a penchant for using their buttocks to test the ripeness of a peach, plum or squash in a supermarket pre-purchase might have some sympathy for a US chap that was arrested for allegedly doing just that. The rest of the world will likely understand – if the charges are true – why the cuffs were slapped on …

  1. Potemkine! Silver badge

    I'lm not sure his buttocks is more dangerous than the pesticide residues splattered all over the fruit skin.

    A loss prevention employee

    ROTFL

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Coat

      Judging by the toilet seats where I work, that may not be true.

      But when you gotta mango you gotta mango.

      Mines the long one at the back with flaps

    2. Ragarath Silver badge
      Joke

      A loss prevention employee

      Didn't stop him loosing his pants. Sackable offence surely!

      1. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge

        Loosing his pants? As in he made them slacker? Suppose..

      2. jake Silver badge

        And of course we always debag the new hires ...

    3. jake Silver badge

      If the pesticide is "splattered all over the fruit skin", all you need to do is rinse it off with water, just as you always do with fruit fresh out of the field. You do know that most fruit & veg grown world-wide is grown in decomposing plant material augmented with shit, right? And almost all of it is handled by humans, whose hands are absolutely filthy! A little easily removed pesticide is the least of your worries.

      The phrase "loss prevention employee" is an example of what used to be called "Airline English", the fine art of using many words where a couple will do. The most common example is "Please Extinguish All Smoking Materials" instead of "No Smoking". I'm rather partial to "Adverse Weather Excluder", but usually use a more succinct "Bumbershoot".

      1. Potemkine! Silver badge
        1. jake Silver badge

          Ah, yes, Potemkine! ...

          ... that article is based on info from the "Environmental Working Group", who have been helping to put the mental back into environmental science since 2002. Next?

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "Brings new meaning to try before you buy"

    Makes you wonder what he was trying them for.

    1. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge

      Jape

      Reminds me of a dare I did as a student - supermarket checkout, with a cucumber, Vaseline and a packet of jonnies.

      1. Friendly Neighbourhood Coder Dan

        Re: Jape

        Allergy, or are you a bit anal when it comes to pesticide paranoia?

      2. Kane Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Jape

        "Reminds me of a dare I did as a student - supermarket checkout, with a cucumber, Vaseline and a packet of jonnies."

        Reminds me of a certain scene from Spinal Tap - Courgette, wrapped in foil.

        .

        .

        .

        Peter "James" Bond, and Mick Shrimpton, long may they be remembered (icon related).

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What an arse !

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Well, if they

      say you have skin like a peach, I can only assume he was trying a practical experiment to confirm that hypothesis.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How does this work?

    I mean, is this his spur of the moment explanation for a weird fetish? Because I just don't understand how you would test fruit in that way. For one thing, the bum is not that sensitive to pressure, for obvious reasons.

    1. Notas Badoff

      Re: How does this work?

      It was voodoo. He was trying to put his wrinkles back on the cantaloupe.

  5. caffeine addict Silver badge

    There's no suggestion in the police ledger that he was checking the freshness. Anyone want to research what he claimed he was doing?

    Quick goggle reveals "Senior Police Officer Charles Sharp told USA TODAY he does not believe the incident was mental health related."

    Are you sure about that...?

  6. IsJustabloke
    Facepalm

    It's a bum rap, copper!

    "A loss prevention employee"

    FFS...

    They probably can't spell "security guard"

  7. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
    Coat

    So fresh!

    Everything was just peachy, then it went pear shaped and now it's just the pits.

    Sorry! It was just there! ...which is likely to be this guy's defense, too.

    1. cornetman Bronze badge

      Re: So fresh!

      Seems a bit cheeky to me.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who hasn't been tempted with a nice pear?

  9. Chris G Silver badge

    Bottom line

    He was ass uming the fruit rather than consuming it.

    "Loss prevention employee"? WTF

  10. Spazturtle Silver badge

    Disgusting but not criminal.

    Any decent lawyer will get the charges dropped, he caused no more 'damage' to the fruit then simply picking it up does.

    1. 2Nick3
      Joke

      Re: Disgusting but not criminal.

      So they lawyer could win the case with a half-assed effort?

    2. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge

      Re: Disgusting but not criminal.

      Actually, I could see the store taking a reputational hit for selling produce that's been on an arse, and you'd inevitably (as its the US) get someone suing claiming it made them ill.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Disgusting but not criminal.

      Please allow me to wipe my fat sweaty arse all over your fruit bowl's contents and watch you chow down on them.

      Pillock.

      1. Spazturtle Silver badge

        Re: Disgusting but not criminal.

        People go to the toilet and don't wash their hands before touching the fruit, do you think that doesn't get it dirty? He didn't cause anymore damage that that does, and people are fine with that and accept it as normal. It's not criminal if he didn't do anything different to what the store normally lets people do to the fruit.

        The pillocks are the ones who don't thoroughly wash fruit when they buy it.

  11. MiguelC Silver badge

    Didn't he provide any half arsed argument in his defense?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's a bum rap.

  13. Ima Ballsy
    Facepalm

    WHat a Bummer ....

    At Least he didn't try to pork a cantaloupe !

    1. curious orange

      Re: WHat a Bummer ....

      For the love of God don't Google +Reddit +tifu +coconut (especially at work).

  14. Aaiieeee
    Angel

    A good reason to wash unpackaged produce then!

    Whilst I was brought up to not mind a bit of dirt, this is perhaps a bit too far. Grandma would probably have asked what all the fuss was about.

  15. Dwarf Silver badge

    What a fruitcake !

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clarity Needed

    I'm confused... in once place it says the cops were called by a security guard and in another place by a "loss prevention employee".

    Which was it? Enquiring minds need to know :-/

    1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Clarity Needed

      For most retail establishments, security guard = loss prevention employee. In all cases, the loss prevention aspect comes first. If you want to identify one of these plain-clothes store detective types, get a few friends to go to a store with you, grab a random assortment of merchandise and wander toward the exit chanting "Shrinkage! Shrinkage!"

      1. kain preacher Silver badge

        Re: Clarity Needed

        loss prevention is what use to be called store detectives. There role is to both stop shop lifters and internal theft . Yes in place like supper markets their is a difference between the uniformed security guard you see and the plain clothes loss prevention. Most of the time the security guard is contracted out were loss prevention is a direct hire . Loss prevention is almost always plain clothes store detective .

  17. Aaiieeee
    Devil

    Just buff it on your trousers before eating, it'll be fine...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Which? His arse, or the fruit?

  18. Cannister
    IT Angle

    Obligatory "IT Angle?" Post

    Not that I didn't enjoy the story...but for tradition's sake, I'm using this icon: ->

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Obligatory "IT Angle?" Post

      Obligatory reply, in case anybody reading truly doesn't know:

      Bootnotes covers all sins. Especially if food related.

      All work & no play makes ElReg a dull vulture.

    2. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: Obligatory "IT Angle?" Post

      The story is in the BootNotes section.

      Although it might be more appropriately placed in BootieNotes.

  19. Huw D Silver badge

    Did he have a turnip shaped like a thingy or a thingy shaped like a turnip?

    1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

      That's a different American, and I believe it's a mushroom not a turnip

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Giant Food Store are sole suppliers of fruit and veg

  21. Daedalus Silver badge
    Coat

    Bummer!

    I'll get my coat....

  22. JLV Silver badge
    Coat

    ()()

    Bootnotes Buttnotes

  23. Anon E. Mouse
    Joke

    Should have been charged for arson

    1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Should have been charged for arson

      That would be a bum rap

  24. FuzzyWuzzys
    Facepalm

    "A loss prevention employee..."?

    Oh, you mean what everyone else calls a "security guard"!

    1. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: "A loss prevention employee..."?

      Security guard is meant as an obvious deterrent. Nice bright uniform standing by the door. Were Loss prevention is either working the cams or in plain clothes tracking a person.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is that Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson ?

    "This pair is hard"

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If he tried that in Australia right now he'd end up feeling a bit of a prick.

  27. Joe Harrison

    Bread

    I was in a well-known supermarket the other day and saw people picking up bits of bread and squeezing it to test for being stale then putting it back. Never buy bread or anything else unwashable that is on open display.

    Don't get me started on checkout ladies (it is only ever ladies, men don't do it, no idea why) who lick their fingers before giving you a carrier bag.

    1. J.G.Harston Silver badge

      Re: Bread

      The story made me immediately think of this.

    2. Toni the terrible

      Re: Bread

      You try and open some of those flimy plastic bags without licking your fingers - better than blowing the bag open with their breath

  28. ukgnome
  29. OssianScotland Silver badge
    Pint

    Manassas? That sounds like a load of Bull Run

    Icon for all who get the reference

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Man-asses?

  30. ibmalone Silver badge

    I'm reminded of a joke about a monkey and a pool ball.

  31. Herby Silver badge

    Maybe he wanted...

    To make it more "Organic".

    Of course "Organic" is a synonym for "more expensive and fancy sounding".

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Maybe he wanted...

      Actually "Certified Organic" means "Government Certified". Which costs money, which is passed on to the consumer. "Organically Grown" means the same exact thing, but with no government involvement, and thus SHOULD be cheaper, but rarely is because consumers are stupid.

      Funny observation: Ask anyone who insists on the "Certified Organic" label if they like government regulations mucking about with their food supply. Almost universally, they will answer a resounding "NO!". The mind boggles ...

  32. This post has been deleted by its author

  33. Basler

    Arse handling

    Seems a shame to bin everything. Rubbing it on your arse cheek isn't really any worse than everyone elses' grubby hands squeezing the veg.

    I heard they dig some veg up from under the ground. Dirty bastards!

    What happened to the "Badgers" icon?

  34. Wobbly World

    Nothing to see here...

    Did the "Loss prevention employee"or the cop’s get him to bend over and spread ‘em at the checkout to check for contraband fruit or was he just looking for a suitably fitting butt plug and not finding one he would be clean!! Nothing to see here!!

    It’s what comes of the supermarkets selecting for bigger fruit over quality and taste!!!

  35. WereWoof

    Perhaps he was an in disguise Borg and trying to ass-imilate it . . .

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