back to article How an augmented reality tourist guide tried to break my balls

Tech-enhanced tourism can be tough on your testicles. An hour ago I was striding along hallowed corridors once paced by 14th century popes. Now I am hobbling across the halls like a medieval court chimpanzee. And it's all because a tourist guide decided to get a little too interactive with my nuts. More on that later. This …

  1. onefang Silver badge
    Coat

    Sounds like your holiday was just a complete balls up.

    I'll get my coat, it's the one with the thick Kevlar patches in the front at crotch level.

  2. Alister Silver badge

    but decided not to raise the topic of his bollocks with staff in a foreign language.

    Wise.

    Very Wise.

    Excusez moi monsieur, mais mes couilles ont été endommagées par votre tablette AR.

    Quelle domage!

    1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

      quelle horreur....

    2. baud

      Grammar n*** incoming

      q̶u̶e̶l̶l̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶m̶m̶a̶g̶e̶

      quel dommage

      Yet another rule regarding gender in French...

  3. Noonoot

    Happy Friday yay!!!!

    It's always refreshing to read about your antics à la pisse Alistair. Sorry to hear about your fruits secs escapade. Maybe you should just have held it in your hand. The gadget I mean. No, no, the electronic device....

    Ms Dabbs seems a very patient lady. Regards!!

  4. TonyJ Silver badge

    Oh Dabbsy...your column (oo-err missus!) is the highlight of my Friday but this one was beyond excellent and had me in tears - both in the empathetic way that all of us blokes share upon seeing or hearing about fellow man taking a whack the sack, but also with laughter.

    1. Martin
      Pint

      Couldn't agree more. Your best since the legendary rant about self-service supermarket checkouts.

      Have a beer!

  5. the Jim bloke Bronze badge

    Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

    Definitely recognising the train bits.

    As a solution to the wrecking-ball tablet, bit late for Dabbsy but maybe useful for other readers, try shortening the lanyard by tying a knot in it...

    1. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: Knot

      I recommend anyone who has to wear a lanyard familiarise themselves with the "alpine butterfly" a nice easy knot for putting a loop in a cord without needing access to the ends. (Use at your own risk in cables!)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: the "alpine butterfly" a nice ...

        I was a little disappointed that when I googled this, it only came up with a variety of knot descriptions, and not a selection of weird NSFW exotica.

        But at least I'm not fired! :-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Knot

        Or simply adjust it with the little sliding adjuster you can clearly see in the picture of Dabsy wearing the lanyard. The reason why he chose not to adjust it rather than let it wobble against his gonads is best left to someone else's imagination. I wonder if that was why Mrs D looked and snorted at him. Perhaps it was a knowing snort.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Knot

          Or simply adjust it with the little sliding adjuster you can clearly see in the picture of Dabsy wearing the lanyard.

          Maybe that was actually experience. The sliding adjuster is the one thing that will fail when you least expect it, thus adding a dose of gravity to the tablet while it speeds once again towards your crotch. Been there, but thankfully not with my cojones at risk.

          In my experience, weight simply does not mix well with simple lanyards. Anything more than a badge needs a better strap.

          Or a downwards trajectory that doesn't cross anything sensitive or vital :)

        2. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: Knot

          I grappled with that fucking thing until my fingernails tore off. It wouldn’t budge.

          1. Persona

            Re: Knot

            "I grappled with that fucking thing until my fingernails tore off. It wouldn’t budge."

            As an avid reader I "should" believe you there, but it does remind me suspiciously of this incident with your phone you wrote about on 26February 2016

            "My trouser pocket is the scene of an on-going Western gunfight between the smooth rose-gold and prickly rose-pink: that town isn’t big enough for the both of them"

            Mrs D snorting is well aware of your previous form! ;-)

          2. Criggie

            Re: Knot

            Tie a knot in it ?

        3. illiad

          Re: Knot

          I think Mrs D may have tried to alert him to the the 'adjuster' but he said 'stop fiddling' so left him to it, and secretly laughed at his pain...

      3. Neoc

        Re: Knot

        Beat me to it. Although I use a simple slip-knot myself.

    2. Jedit
      Trollface

      "Definitely recognising the train bits."

      I'd be worried if you were recognising Dabbsy's bits.

    3. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      Re: Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

      And here's me, thinking that the easy answer is to put head and one arm through the lanyard and let it hang at the side and just swing it up in front of me if I want it. I guess I just don't have a properly techie mindset.

    4. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

      Me too. Dealing with SNCF/TER ‘apps’ = ‘give up. Go to automatic ticket machine. Select English option. Get tickets. Forget to validate tickets. Listen to lecture from supercilious conductor explaining how stupid English must remember to validate their tickets’

      The joy of Les Vacances.

  6. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    For some odd reason...

    My screen reader read "Tech-enhanced tourism" but I thought I heard "Tech-enhanced Turetts"(sp?) & laughed my ass off. The article only got better from there. Bravo! =-D

  7. herman Silver badge

    For Mme Dabbs

    Some balls are held for charity

    And some for fancy dress

    But when they're held for pleasure

    They're the balls that I like best

    My balls are always bouncing

    To the left and to the right

    It's my belief that my big balls

    Should be held every night

    1. John Mangan

      Re: For Mme Dabbs

      I would add:

      Do your balls hang low?

      Can you swing them to and fro?

      Can you tie them in a knot?

      Can you tie them in a bow?

      ........

      As you were.

  8. LDS Silver badge

    You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

    ... these devices are designed by millenmials for millennials who can't recognize reality unless they look at it through an app. And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games.

    1. tfewster Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

      Spinal Tap - 18" Stonehenge

      1. LDS Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

        Thank you for the reference, so not only us used to the metric system make such kind of mistake...

    2. ArrZarr Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

      I'm going to take issue with this, good sir - these are designed by middle aged managers who want to appeal to millennials. Any millennial worth their salt would take one look at this and recognise it for the pointless gimmick that it is.

      Then the millennial would get their phone out and look at everything through the camera app.

      1. LDS Silver badge

        ...and look at everything through the camera app.

        You mean while taking selfies of them, right? With the back towards any interesting thing?

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

      "And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games."

      And there's at least three snowflake millennials reading here too LOL

    4. knottedhandkerchief
      Childcatcher

      Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

      And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games.

      Seven inches tall? Or are they referring to the one-eyed monster?

  9. Dave K Silver badge

    There's nothing quite like an enlarged photo of your nads to add authenticity to the article. Of course, quite what other tourists thought whilst Mrs D was taking a photo of you in that state is another story...

  10. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Who'd invest in such crap?

    I found myself asking that question when I went to view Stephenson's Rocket at the Almost-imperceptible Exhibition of the North. Clearly concerned that visitors might not be sufficiently impressed by the skeletal remains of a piece of engineering history, long since cannibalised for its reusable parts, organisers had provided a "Virtual Reality Experience" that promised the opportunity to:

    Travel back to 1829 via virtual reality to experience the sight and sound of the early steam age as Stephenson’s Rocket is digitally brought back to life.

    What is actually consisted of was a first-person view of a simulated trip down a seemingly American railroad line, while a modern city sprang up on each side of the track. With a silhouette of the Rocket pasted across the front as if it were being observed by a disembodied head welded to the top of the boiler.

    When I pointed that out to the attendants, their response was that, although they'd watched it on several occasions, they'd never noticed the complete absence of the 19th Century or the UK and its tradition of trains travelling on the left, like the cars.

    Conclusion: people expect crap, so just give it to them. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be the policy of the Discovery Museum to thwack 'em in the balls if they complain, though I would be unsurprised if the hardware has the capability: I'm sure more clients will be demanding it.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Who'd invest in such crap?

      "I found myself asking that question when I went to view Stephenson's Rocket at the Almost-imperceptible Exhibition of the North."

      Not quite the Rocket but for a real reality trip behind an early engine try Beamish.

    2. Diogenes
      Coat

      Re: Who'd invest in such crap?

      Makes one weep . There is a perfectly good replica they could have filmed in its 'home' setting;

      Yes it is an anorak :-)

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh Look

    A muggers magnet.

    Seriously, just asking to be "forcibly seperated" from your valubles*.

    *not your knackers.

  12. Yet Another Hierachial Anonynmous Coward

    Customer Feedback

    I hope you fully appreciate that all images from the tablets are uploaded in real time to the papal cloud server, so that the powers that be can use the latest adaptive AI to carefully analyse exactly what the tourists are looking at in close detail in order to enhance the customer expereince....

    1. onefang Silver badge

      Re: Customer Feedback

      "carefully analyse exactly what the tourists are looking at in close detail in order to enhance the customer expereince...."

      So Dabsy's testicles are about to have an enhanced customer experience? Does his wife know? Will El Reg cover it as business expenses?

  13. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    "Normally, Mme Le Dabbs and I turn down the offer of audio guides at tourist sites because they always go wonky on us – crackle, cut out, play the wrong track, lose battery power, expire completely and so on."

    Always, always, always. If there is any tech worse than IoT crap it is this. Ah, well.

    My regards to Mme Le D, and have a nice weekend, everybody!

  14. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "SNCF's ticket sales team is not on speaking terms with its ticket issuing team. "

    They have no monopoly on that.

    I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to). I booked tickets with whatever entity was then running the East Coast line. On the appropriate morning I rolled into the sophisticated of Wakefield Westgate (the point of comparison is Wakefield Kirkgate) to ask for the tickets I'd booked. The train was rolling into the station while the clerk was still hunting for them - and I still had to buy a ticket for the car park, go out and fix it on the car, go back in and get on the train. It wasn't going to happen. I left him, got in the car and drove to Norwich.

    As anyone travelling there from the North knows that drive, especially the A17, isn't much removed from interplanetary travel in terms of arduousness yet I still got there only about a quarter of an hour later than the train was scheduled to do.

    It took a while to disabuse the company that they weren't entitled to withhold part of the refund of the tickets they hadn't provided.

    1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge
      Devil

      "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

      I once had a meeting in Norwich with some staff from an insurance company which shall be nameless.

      Frankly it would have been more interesting and less painful to have spent the time smacking my balls with a tablet, had they been around in the early 2000s.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

        "Frankly it would have been more interesting and less painful to have spent the time smacking my balls with a tablet, had they been around in the early 2000s."

        Bloody kids today, eh? Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!

        1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

          Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

          "Bloody kids today, eh? Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!"

          You must be the one who makes sure Google Translate isn't context-sensitive.

        2. Warm Braw Silver badge

          Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

          Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!

          Perhaps he meant that his balls were of recent descent?

          1. onefang Silver badge

            Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

            "Perhaps he meant that his balls were of recent descent?"

            I suspect Dabbsy's balls dropped some time ago.

    2. Stork Bronze badge

      It seems there are some advantages in living in this lower left corner of Europe. I booked a ticket Faro-Lisbon, paid with my card over PayPal and printed the ticket. Of course my son then told me I should just have emailed the PDF.

      I do like pieces of paper when I travel, as I am not dependant on the tantrums and batteries of electronics. Colour me fuddy-duddy.

      At least I think I got the right price.

    3. veti Silver badge

      It was good to read of the SNCF experience, if only as an antidote to all those who seem to be hankering for a return to the good old days of British Rail.

      Note to millenials: there is no reason, either theoretical or historical, to imagine that a nationalised rail service would be any better.

      1. Potemkine! Silver badge

        Having traveled by train in UK, I could add:

        Note to millenials: there is no reason, either theoretical or historical, to imagine that a privatized rail service would be any better.

  15. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. Potemkine! Silver badge

    SNCF is the reason why I bought my first car while being a student, not to have to depend weekly on these ugly bastards anymore. Any time I have by force to deal with them they find a way to make the experience unpleasant.

    Regarding your tablet, Mr Dabbs made a slight mistake: he had to enroll the lanyard three or four times around the neck: It's part of the "Inquisition AR" app. Because nobody expects the Inquisition.

    1. SkippyBing Silver badge

      Last year I wanted to take my motorbike to Italy, rather than drive through France I thought 'let's take the autotrain, it's French, it's sophisticated, it's overnight so it'll save on a hotel room'.

      So it turns out contrary to what some in this country may claim, state run railways are as s*** as privately run ones. A few days before departure I got a phone call saying due to industrial action my train was cancelled. After some prompting I was given some options, i.e. take a train a few days later, or yes, I could get a refund, if I went into an SNCF station, probably the one in Paris. Of course Paris was massively out of my way if I wasn't catching a train there, but I risked going into the station in Calais on the grounds the worst they could say is no. Actually the worst they could say is, we can refund you this bit of the passenger ticket but you'll have to go via a website that doesn't actually exist to get a refund on the bike part. I paid for the tickets by card over the phone, how f*****g hard is it to refund that? People on ebay selling counterfeit software will give you a credit card refund FFS.

      Long story short, if you think things in this country are bad, and I've just used a strike riddled SW trains to go to London, go to France things will be worse and they won't even pretend to give a shit.

  17. Dr_N Silver badge
    Trollface

    Surprised that ...

    ... anything could dent your <<glaouis en platine>> Mr Dabbs.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Palais des Papes

    I was there a couple of weeks ago, and I must say their AR guide is one of the most rermarkable things I've seen in Tech for years.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Palais des Papes

      Try the new Roman archaeological museum in Nîmes. Some very impressive tech in there, applied intelligently and very effectively IMHO.

  19. A. Coatsworth
    Paris Hilton

    Dead trees never failed anyone

    It will be a cold day in hell before I trust solely on an app coded for peanuts (probably by monkeys) for my transportation or lodging needs in a foreign country. It is preferably to carry the equivalent of half an Amazonian forest in printouts.

    It is very telling of the state of the industry that people who works on IT are the first to doubt the technological capabilities of... well, anything. I wonder if aeronautic engineers travel everywhere by horse because they don't trust planes....

    1. lowwall

      Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

      https://xkcd.com/2030/

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Dead trees never failed anyone Re: xkcd .....

        I love the popup text/caption:

        'There are lots of very smart people doing fascinating work on cryptographic voting protocols. We should be funding and encouraging them, and doing all our elections with paper ballots until everyone currently working in that field has retired.'

        :) ;)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

      " I wonder if aeronautic engineers travel everywhere by horse because they don't trust planes...."

      Most aerospace engineers I know will mostly travel by car, or by a private plane (usually one they are piloting, there is a large overlap between working in aerospace and having a pilots licence). Make of that what you will.

      Sometimes peeking behind the curtain is a bad idea for your piece of mind. When talking about the computerised infrastructure running modern society, ignorance is truly bliss.

      Also, "proper" engineers are accredited, and if you want to work in aerospace or other such engineering professions, you have to have the proper credentials from a reputable (as recognized by your potential employer) institution.

      Software engineering is a bit of a free for all. Nobody can officially call themselves an "aerospace engineer" unless they have the credentials, which takes time, effort, brains and money.

      However anybody who picks up a book of "Coding for dummies" can call themselves a software engineer, and apply for such jobs (without their applications going straight to the cylindrical filing cabinet).

      The result is wages driven down to the lowest common denominator globally, a massive body of poor quality software, and it being very difficult to judge how good someone is by their CV (which is why so many "top end" software positions put you through a bunch of examinations to show your competency).

      The question is what is better? The barrier to entry for a "proper" accredited engineer is high. You have to have the money and time to do all the study, get the grades and diplomas they want, and then study, pay and work more to pass their accreditation criteria. Including ongoing tests, new tests for new developments, etc... plus in many cases you need to have liability insurance when working on a project. On the upside, because of the high barrier to entry, your have more secure long-term jobs, overall higher pay, and less worry that you are always one step away from being outsourced to some cheaper country. Same as the medical profession, architecture, etc...

      The barrier to entry for software engineering is very low, and there is no personal liability for poorly developed software causing issues or not working as intended.

      Indeed there are people out there with no formal education, or just up to A-levels, but who had a talent for software engineering and became good through being self taught. Many of them may not have been able to afford higher education, or becoming accredited, so would not have been able to do what they do now. It also means some really useless people can become software engineers too, but is that a price worth paying?

      I guess you can say software engineering is more of a "free market" type system (for better or worse), where anyone can call themselves a software engineer, and it is up to the market to decide what level of competence/price they want to pay. Turns out, 90% of the time the market is happy for the "cheapest and most cheerful" of software project quotes, and as long as the software runs long enough to get paid for it, that's good enough.

      1. SkippyBing Silver badge

        Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

        'Most aerospace engineers I know will mostly travel by car, or by a private plane (usually one they are piloting, there is a large overlap between working in aerospace and having a pilots licence). Make of that what you will.'

        I make of that that they're idiots, they're swapping the safest form of transport per passenger mile for two of the least*. After 6 years of working in Air Safety the main thing I know is that people are rubbish at assessing risk, even if you show them the numbers, actually especially if you show them the numbers.

        *Although motorbikes are 1 or 2 magnitudes worse so it could be worse.

        1. Cpt Blue Bear

          Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

          "I make of that that they're idiots"

          You are assuming their motivation is safety. In reality I suspect its an opportunity to enjoy the journey while you are stuck in the flying cattle truck because its safe.

          1. SkippyBing Silver badge

            Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

            ' In reality I suspect its an opportunity to enjoy the journey while you are stuck in the flying cattle truck because its safe.'

            I'm generally stuck in the flying cattle truck because I'm f***ed if I'm driving to the middle east or the USA.

      2. Diogenes

        Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

        Indeed there are people out there with no formal education, or just up to A-levels, but who had a talent for software engineering and became good through being self taught.

        Sounds like every engineer responsible for the industrial revolution , thinks Stephenson (pere et fils) , Trethevick, Newcomen, Bazalgette, Edison, Otto

        1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

          Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

          "Sounds like every engineer responsible for the industrial revolution , thinks Stephenson (pere et fils) , Trethevick, Newcomen, Bazalgette, Edison, Otto"

          I eventually made a career out of stuff that did not exist when I was at university. But without the "learning how to learn" I wouldn't have done it. I believe you can become a programmer by teaching yourself, but not a software engineer. You might become one through working alongside better qualified and more experienced people who are willing to instruct you, but that's de facto apprenticeship, just another form of learning from other people.

          As counter examples I offer Isambard Kingdom Brunel (French university and apprenticeship), Dr. Rudolf Diesel (German universities and apprenticeship), Benjamin Baker (grammar school and apprenticeship), Charles Parsons (Trinity Dublin and St. Johns Cambridge.

          Watt notoriously had the idea for a separate condenser (his actual contribution) but then had to find people who could actually make it for him.

          The tl;dr is that the actual problem with the Industrial Revolution in England, and why they were overtaken by Germany, is that the self taught engineers were too slow to adopt scientific method. By the time engineering was professionalised in the UK, Germany and France had caught up.

    3. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

      I worked as an airframe engineer on light aircraft some decades back, I was the only guy in the company who liked going for a test flight with the chief in anything. The usual comment was 'I'm not going up in that, I worked on it'.

      One of my tasks as 'co-pilot' on a test flight was to go through the check lists so I knew if anything had been missed.

      I also had lots of free flying hours in my log in a wide range of light aircraft up to and including a BAC 111 belonging to a Saudi prince.

    4. Nick Kew Silver badge

      Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

      Travelling by train in Sweden two years ago, paper wasn't an option. Getting on at an unmanned station with no ticket machine, the only option was to buy online and display it to the ticket inspector on the 'phone.

      Fortunately their system worked. Via a regular browser: no reinvent-the-wheel app needed.

      When I got off the train - at the main station in Sweden's second city - was where I encountered trouble. Finding my onward bus (to the airport) and buying a ticket for it was a total nightmare: ticket machines out of action, and a vast, non-moving queue for about two human staff. Airport was a nightmare too. Grrrr....

    5. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: Dead trees never failed anyone

      "It is very telling of the state of the industry that people who works on IT are the first to doubt the technological capabilities of... well, anything."

      There's a lot of things that shouldn't work but do. The idea of 100% defect free is comparatively new, in fact*. Approved products have AQLs, being kitemarked doesn't make them all perfect.

      The fact that my mobile phone often goes months without restarting and yet behaves itself is something I wonder at, because I have some idea of just how many things can go wrong, from obscure software bugs down to inadequate CPU tracks eventually failing through metal migration.

      But, and this is my point, it's all kept going by those of us who do doubt the reliability and capability of things.

      *In the days of Lucas ignition, it was not at all unusual for an engine to misfire 5% of the time, which was why electronic ignition would produce a sudden power and economy boost. It was just accepted as part of the natural order of things. One of the things that sunk the Velocette company was that when the magneto supply for their big singles dried up, the coil ignition just didn't work well enough.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Can I get a refund? "Non." He gives a gallic shrug and wanders off. Perhaps I should be grateful he didn't fine me for allowing his SNCF colleagues to rip me off. Merci, les culs."

    A refund at SNCF is *way* more difficult than traveling to Mars. I suspect any of those idiots is tortured to death in their basement, should he refund 1 single euro.

    1. baud

      You can easily get a refund if you have access to one of their ticketing machine and a dead tree ticket.

  21. DuchessofDukeStreet
    Pint

    Have Beer. Or Vin Rouge. Molto Vin Rouge.

    I made the mistake of reading this whilst dialled into a very dull conference call, sat in a very quiet but populated office (I know it's beer o'clock but it ain't happening today!). I now have two sets of people trying to work out why I've fallen off my chair, with my legs crossed, tears rolling down my cheeks and a hand pressed over my mouth to stop the inarticulate squeaks and random noises escaping...

    1. Nick Kew Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Have Beer. Or Vin Rouge. Molto Vin Rouge.

      Damn, why can't I both upvote and downvote a post? Upvote for the anecdote, downvote for linguistic horror. I shall have to forego both of them to cancel it out.

  22. malcontent

    apps

    <rant>I've seen many apps which appear to have been 'designed' (or 'coded') by teenagers. Perhaps I am too harsh, by people who have no idea of of what used to be called human-computer-interfaces (showing my age, sorry), or who even read Apple's guidelines issued back in the balmy days of the Mac. So much has been lost. Another factor comes from games, where lots of interesting features are hidden, waiting for you to achieve the next level. It's not really Grand Theft Auto.</rant>

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: apps

      I think is part of outsourcing. The app writers (certainly can't call them programmers) attend a few classes, get some paper that says they graduated, and suddenly are not working at outsourced jobs with no clue about what they do. Second thought.... they have a clue. They get to sit around, drink tea, and call home to the family and get paid for it. Any working code is shear luck.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: apps

        *sheer.

        Shear is what you do to sheep.

  23. cd

    Two software engineering problems in one column, nice work.

  24. baud

    I've taken an SCNF train a dozen of time this year and had no problem. But I had steered clear from their app and had all my train tickets mailed, free of additionnal charges, to me. The only time I didn't do that, I received a pdf to print with a QR code, but apparently showing the pdf on your smartphone also work, so no app needed.

  25. earl grey Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    You are old, Father Dabbs

    And here i thought you were going to have Mme Dabbs give it a kiss to make it feel better.

    Paris completely understands.

  26. Ian Emery Silver badge

    The French - in one answer

    Whilst skiing in the Alps, I noticed ALL of the French instructors were wearing Atomic skis; so I went to my French ski instructor and asked the question.

    "When I was looking for my new skis, every review for Atomic skis was poor, with people regularly reporting they snapped in two, after a couple of runs down the piste; so why are all of you using them??"

    "They are made in France."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The French - in one answer

      ""When I was looking for my new skis, every review for Atomic skis was poor, with people regularly reporting they snapped in two, after a couple of runs down the piste; so why are all of you using them??"

      "They are made in France.""

      I have yet to see an Atomic pair of skis, alpin or cross-country, snap in 2. And given how hard the instructors go down, at the end of the day, they'd be deaths every day ! Your reviewers were probably paid for, from all over north africa ...

      As for the reason they all wore the same, it was because ESF, their employer, chose them in a grouped purchase, like it happens. Rest, no comment, it's probably true.

      A french

  27. CT

    Seat reservations in bike compartment

    SNCF kindly reserved us coach 12, seats 11 and 13, on the intercity train to Boulogne (don't ask). Unfortunately, the numbering in coach 12 started at 21 and went upwards, as the first compartment (presumably with seats numbered 11 upwards) had had all the seats removed to be converted to a bike compartment.

    As my other half suffers from saddle soreness at the slightest mention of a bike ride, we picked some random empty seats in the next coach, expecting an interesting conversation with the inspector.

    Neither sight nor sound of the inspector for the 1h30 journey, and we could have had a free ride in first class.

    We picked the print-at-home option, with two A4 sheets giving a nice large barcode, rather than the app.

  28. Dan 55 Silver badge

    Almost SNCF but not quite

    Instead queuing up for an hour to see a bit of France's cultural heritage, I decided it would be a bright idea to buy my tickets from www.monuments-nationaux.fr, download the PDF files, and breeze past the queue which looked like something from an MC Escher painting.

    As I use Firefox Focus for the small number of payments I make using my mobile phone as it forgets everything afterwards, it waited right to the final payment page to tell me that... well, not tell me, but dump me at an all-purpose 'I give up' page.

    So then I tried Firefox which thankfully did work because the alternative was Chrome which probably sends the whole lot to Google. PDFs downloaded, success, hour of queue avoided, gold star earned.

    Later on I decided the same trick would work again only I forgot my password which was hastily thought up before. So I hit the 'Mot de passe oublié?' button and was cheerfully informed of my password in a plain text e-mail.

    Really, perhaps they should have just stuck with Minitel.

    1. Mark 110 Silver badge

      Re: Almost SNCF but not quite

      Mintel . . takes me back . . . I am now officially old enough to remember things no-one should be old enough to remember. I was 10 when I plugged a phone into a cradle so that the noises coming out (and in) gave you a network connection. And only a geeky ten year old gave a shit.

      We have come a hell of a long way.

      1. yoganmahew

        Re: Almost SNCF but not quite

        @We have come a hell of a long way.

        Yes! It no longer makes a noise!

  29. Paper

    Europe is overrated

    I used to love mainland Europe, as someone from the UK. Then I moved to Canada and travelled around the Americas and Asia.

    Now every time I go to Europe I just find myself annoyed. The people are often meh. Except for the Swedish and Portuguese. They're both awesome. Everyone else, somewhat including my fellow Brits, offer very poor service compared to America and East Asia, and occasionally are extremely unfriendly.

    Even in conservative Asia no hotel staff made any comments or looks about the fact that my other half is also another guy. The one time we went to the UK, the hotel receptionist exclaims "The same bed?!". Pretty much had to whisk my Canadian bf away, as he was hangry and began proclaiming the entire UK was a piece of sh!t island over and over. It didn't help that the next day our train to my parent's was 2 hours delayed.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Europe is overrated

      Paper,

      What you suffered was not a UK specific problem BUT a Facebook/Twitter/Whatsapp/etc problem.

      So many people who use the above & similar, have got used to idea of not filtering what they think/say, because they are conversing with their friends and they also lack any filter.

      I am *not* your 'Best Friend' and do not expect to be treated like I am IF I am in a situation where it is expected that some sort of 'service' is being provided, for which I have paid. i.e. Hotel, Restaurant etc etc

      I am not asking for some sort of old victorian style subservience BUT I do want you to be at least aware that your own personal views and biases are NOT always going to be appreciated and following the company policies MIGHT be a safer bet !!!

      If you work in a service industry you should at least be aware of the service you are expected to provide and how that should dictate your interactions with your customers.

      If this is too difficult .... perhaps a different job may be more appropriate or at least some urgent Customer Service training.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Europe is overrated

        "What you suffered was not a UK specific problem BUT a Facebook/Twitter/Whatsapp/etc problem.

        So many people who use the above & similar, have got used to idea of not filtering what they think/say, because they are conversing with their friends and they also lack any filter."

        True that, so true. It made society go back to middle age !

  30. Sam Therapy
    Facepalm

    You plum*

    You could have put a knot in the lanyard to make it shorter.

    *pun intended.

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