back to article Wasted worker wasps wanna know – oi! – who are you looking at?

Britain's booze hooligans are back – and more obnoxious than possibly imagined. Yes, we're talking about wasps, which have been behind a wave of complaints in the UK by turning up uninvited at beer gardens, drinking leftovers from people's pint, getting drunk, and then picking a fight with the locals. The weather is to blame …

  1. apveening

    Small correction

    Worker wasps are infertile females, not males. And the sting is evolved from an egg-depositor.

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      Re: Small correction

      Does that mean that the queen wasp doesn't have a stinger?

      1. apveening

        Re: Queen wasp stinger

        In common wasps the queen has a stinger and eggs don't pass through it (anymore). However, a lot of solitary wasps don't have a stinger and still use the egg depositor for which it was intended, e.g. depositing the egg in eggs or larva of other insects.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Small correction

        It is a modified ovipositor.

        Although queens will sting you, the primary purpose of it is to deposit eggs in the nest chambers.

      3. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Does that mean that the queen wasp doesn't have a stinger?

        Well Frank,

        Now that you've mentioned it, it's time to sit down and have a chat about things...

        About the birds and the bees...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Small correction

      @ Vapeening

      Correct.

      Dear El-Reg, who the F*** does your fact checking?

      1. tony72

        Re: Small correction

        Wasps are not the kind of bugs they are used to dealing with.

      2. Stork Bronze badge

        Re: Small correction

        Re Fact checking: Gwyneth Palthrow?

  2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Issue them all with...

    WASBO's

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not a lot of people know this but it was gods plan to use wasps to pollinate the plants however in the end he had to resort to plan bee.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      So why didn't he leave all the little fuckers to drown when he unleashed Plan Sea?

      1. Matthew Smith

        Because... they can fly?

        1. Michael Habel Silver badge

          Unfortunatebee

          1. PPK
            1. T-Bo

              He was only half-a-bee ...

        2. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Because... they can fly?

          If a wasp was strong enough and lucky enough to survive flying through a torrential downpour for forty days and forty nights then that's a wasp that I definitely don't want contributing to the wasp gene pool.

          1. Vinyl-Junkie
            Alien

            If a wasp was strong enough...

            That would be this one...

        3. Spoonsinger

          Re: Because... they can fly?

          But unicorns can, (erm could), fly.

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      >Not a lot of people know this but it was gods plan to use wasps to pollinate the plants however in the end he had to resort to plan bee.

      You mean... gasp... the Moderatrix?

      1. Graham Dawson

        @korev

        Still stings...

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wasps

    contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

    As a pestie, this year I have dealt with quite a few but the worst time is apple fall time, THATS when they get nasty as the nests are nearing their end, the queen dies, the new queens leave and the workers are suddenly left with no young to tend to. So they have to go it alone. Feasting on fermenting fruit. Getting pissed and aggressive.

    At the moment they are pretty docile but come September. especially if it is warm...

    PS, Top Tip.

    Use ant powder to kill wasps nests. Not fucking petrol!

    If you can see where they are going in, puff some powder in there at night, repeat 24/48 hours later. Leave 3 days. repeat if necessary. If in the loft, use RED light as they cant see it.

    Wear eye protection at least. A sting in the eye is extremely dangerous!

    WARNING: I have a radio face anyway but this is a sting I took last year, this was 16 hours after the event.

    https://1drv.ms/u/s!AoEv-9vBdzh_hMhORAkRwQp8fi5BvA

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Wasps / Apple fall

      Yeah, we have similar problems at home, our two apple trees at the back of the garden started falling earlier than usual this year (around about 3/4 weeks ago), so the stripy bastards have been stalking around, getting rowdy with the locals, i.e. us. We spent some time picking up all of the apple fall and sticking it into a big plastic tub and left it on the other side of the garden, so they're all congregating there at the moment. Also pulled a few kilos of apples of the tree itself (they were big, juicy and red - very tasty), so we shouldn't be getting too much rotting fruit for a couple of weeks now.

      We haven't found any nests nearby, so not sure where they are coming from, but if I do I'll definitely keep your advice in mind.

      Fun story aside, a couple of years ago we came downstairs one morning to find a couple of dozen of the little bastards in our living room, mostly sitting around on the window glass, with no idea how they got there. So we opened the windows and managed to shoo most of them out. Shut the windows, went back an hour later, more wasps! Pulled one of the side units away from the wall and we spotted them climbing out of the air holes that were located in front of the bricked up fireplace. Turns out, they had established a nest in part of the old brickwork of the chimney stack, and when it came time for them to start moving out of the nest, they followed the airflow of the chimney stack straight through into the living room. I had to quickly block up all the air holes to stop the flow. Called out a guy and he found the entrance way they were using to get in, under the eaves of the roof. A few squirts with his telescopic thingy (ooh err!), and two days later all gone. He also mentioned about the red light thing as well.

      1. MOV r0,r0

        Re: Wasps / Apple fall

        Had this in the female loo at work, all the other men in the company being too pussy to deal with the situation I went in with a Henry hoover like some sort of Ghostbuster and thunked them down the nozzle (top tip!) after which I duct-taped their entry holes.

        Left a note on the hoover and the nest to die off over winter, total pest control bill £0.00

        1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

          Re: Wasps / Apple fall

          Second the karcher washer or even a normal hose pipe if your water pressure is reasonable providing the nest is outside.

          The wasps don't seem to realise you and the water are connected and it makes a right soggy messy of the Bastard Jasper house,

    2. agurney

      Re: Wasps

      Until a couple of days ago I had a football-sized wasps' nest outside the house, however the wasps haven't been a problem and they seemed to be doing a good job of removing aphids. I was wondering about how to remove the nest but a family of sparrows tore it to shreds and the wasps have all but vanished.

      I take a bit more care of drinking outdoors ever since a few years ago I took a swig from a can that contained a wasp; it stung the back of my tongue, but fortunately I don't have a bad reaction so it was just a painful surprise rather than anything more serious.

    3. VinceH Silver badge

      Re: Wasps

      "this is a sting I took last year"

      Ouch! =:o

      The last time I remember being stung was when I was a teenager. Some friends and I inadvertently disturbed a nest - and when we realised, ran like hell. Quite some distance later, I said I can still hear one of the buggers. Then I felt a sting in the back of my head - and a few seconds later another, then another...

      One of my friends spotted it, trapped in my hair - and it was stinging me repeatedly in the same spot because that's all it could do.

      My friend then splatted it. Problem solved.

      That multiple sting aside, we were very lucky, really - AIUI they're more likely to be able to spot you if you move. And also, when one stings you a pheromone is included as a bonus extra that marks you as a target for its angry pals.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps

        Yeah, they hurt. Oddly, being stung is part and parcel for me but that one was in my upper eyelid.

        Ordinarily, they itch and swell a bit. God knows what that little bastard pumped into me.

        Only fair I suppose, I had just sprayed the nest with Ficam-D (THE wasp killer of choice for professionals).

        In 13 years of dealing with the stripy little buggers I have been stung 11 times.

        Killed hundreds of thousands of em though, potentially millions..

        Suits me!!

      2. mtp
        Unhappy

        Re: Wasps

        When I was about 10 I trod on a underground wasps nest. I remember the ground sinking a bit then was enveloped by a cloud of wasps. I did the world record sprint probably being followed by a comic strip style --> arrow of wasps. I was pulling handfuls of wasps out of my clothing. Must have had hundreds of stings.

        Clearly I am not allergic but it was not a fun day.

    4. Vinyl-Junkie

      Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

      Untrue.

      Wasps are a vital part of our ecosystem:See here for details

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

        Wasps are a vital part of our ecosystem:See here for details

        That may be so, but gardeners conducting warfare against wasps isn't going to alter the natural balance since gardens aren't any form of balanced natural habitat in the first place.

        Rats perform certain beneficial activities in the eco-system, particularly if there's a balance with predators, but I'm in no hurry to accommodate a colony of rats.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

        Vespula vulgaris and Vespula germainca (two common UK wasp species) contribute nothing of worth.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

        That report states that they eat insects, which is exactly what I said and as fig trees don't support 1274 mammal species in the uk then I stand by what I said.

        1. Vinyl-Junkie

          Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

          So you totally missed the part about wasps being general pollinators? I often see wasps alongside the bees on the flowers in our garden, flying in and out to collect nectar and in the process pollinating the plants. Given the reduction in bee numbers we ought to think twice about reducing the numbers of other pollinating insects, aggravating or not.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Wasps contribute *nothing* other than eating insects which has all the bird lovers up in arms.

            No, I didn't miss it. Did you miss the part where I said the two common pest wasp species don't pollinate plants to any great degree. Its only through function of them hunting insects that they pollinate. It is not a preconditioned behaviour and without them not much would change.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wasps

      Use ant powder to kill wasps nests.

      the Rentokil wasp's nest destroyer that you can buy from large supermarkets is another good option. If you can see the nest a single generous helping will do the trick, if you can't see it (like the one behind our soffit box) then three applications were needed through the entry point the wasps were using. Unlike ant powder this stuff is a liquid that comes out through a jet nozzle for a range of several feet, and then expands vigorously as a foam that dissipates over an hour or so. Easy to apply safely and quickly followed by the tried and tested approach of running away.

      I did notice when taking the nippers to various theme parks that despite the combination of people, junk food, sugary drinks, and extensive woodland, the bigger and more professionally run venues made very effective use of wasp traps to minimise and all but eliminate the nuisance. Whereas some of the smaller theme parks and entertainment sites haven't cottoned on, and are infested with the things. Unfortunately a decent sized wasp trap is large and ugly (particularly when full of dead wasps, so unless you can hide three or so of these around your garden they won't be much use. The small wasp traps sold for domestic use I've found to be absolutely useless.

      1. werdsmith Silver badge

        Re: Wasps

        Use ant powder to kill wasps nests.

        Karcher. Highly effective and less risky than a weed-burner when close to buildings. Karcher removes all kinds of pests that have made the mistake of trying to co-habit with humans.

        When in a beer garden one option is to bait them away from you with a cider soaked beermat.

        Or wait for them to crawl inside an empty glass, place a beer mat over the top and be amused at the thing trying to escape (for a short time before releasing the thing at a safe distance from your table).

      2. stiine Bronze badge
        Coat

        Re: Wasps

        Or check this youtu.be video out. the guy uses soap, water, chicken and a plastic bin. he found it much more efficient than the store-bought traps.

        https://boingboing.net/2018/08/10/this-guy-really-knows-how-to-k.html starting at 2:26

    6. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: Wasps

      "Use ant powder to kill wasps nests. Not fucking petrol!"

      If you do insist on using petrol, don't be so stupid as to light it, It's the fumes that do them in (confession: we used it in the 1970s for in-ground major infestations around a rural school as it worked in less than 24 hours, kids were at-risk and the things seemed to be immune to everything else. No, we didn't light it - it was a different part of the world and a different approach to H&S. I don't think you'd get away with jamming 750ml glass beer bottles full of petrol into wasp next entrances in the dead of night and running like hell anymore.)

      1. phuzz Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Wasps

        Use ant powder to kill wasps nests. Not fucking petrol!

        I can't believe it's taken this many replies without the obvious solution:

        "Take off and nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure"

        1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          Re: Wasps

          "Take off and nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure"

          Yes, but the neighbours do whinge so when we do that...

          1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

            Re: Wasps

            The next time my neighbours do that, I'm complaining to the council.

    7. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: Wasps

      If I had wasps in my attic, I'd burn the house down and start again.

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: Wasps

        If I had toys in the attic I'd burn the house down.

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

    8. Alistair Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Wasps

      I found diatomaceous earth to be more effective than poisons.

  5. Dr_N Silver badge
    Alien

    Wasps?

    Pffft. A minor annoyance.

    Try dealing with Asian Hornets.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Asian Hornets

      The helicopter gunships of the insect world.

    2. seven of five

      Re: Wasps?

      We have a nest of european hornets in the trees behind the house. Impressive to see them air-to-air kill the wasps and om-nom-nom off they are again.

      I like hornets, loud and large enough so you do not sit on them, kill wasps and relaxed indoors, so the can be brought outside.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps?

        And less aggressive than wasps towards people.

        A European hornet will sting because you interfered with it, wasps will sting you because its a Wednesday.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Wasps?

          Yeah, wasps are hornets with small intense arsehole syndrome.

          We had asiatic hornets from a large nest (1m ball) up one of our tall tree's removed by the pompiers that they took away for research a couple of years back, and yeah its a bit intimidating having things the size of small birds mooching around making this giant buzz but generally they're benign. This year no hornets, but plenty of wasps nesting in stupid annoying (to humans) places like inside the car mirror assemblies etc.

          Kind of wish the hornets would come back and eat all the little jasper arseholes.

  6. Symon Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    House Martins.

    This year, for the first time, we had a pair of house martins nest under our car port. They've done an excellent job of keeping down the flying insects, haven't seen many wasps, and the horse flies are way down this year, especially since the first brood have fledged. I'll be building some extra nests for next year over the winter, for happy hours again!

    Bird --->

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: House Martins.

      Aren’t the Housemartins a band from the 80s?

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: House Martins.

        Aren’t the Housemartins a band from the 80s?

        Careful now, that'll eventually get corrupted by showbiz gossip to 'House Martins now now living in carports and eating insects'.

        1. Kane Silver badge

          Re: House Martins.

          "House Martins now living in carports and eating insects"

          I did wonder why Fatboy Slim was looking a bit...peaky

          1. Korev Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: House Martins.

            Yeah, he’s not been on the Zoe Ball recently...

      2. Mooseman Bronze badge

        Re: House Martins.

        "Aren’t the Housemartins a band from the 80s?"

        Yeah, fatboy slim played bass. I had the priviledge of throwing them out of a private party once.

  7. israel_hands

    How High?

    The Beeb did a series back in the 90's called Weird Nature. Cracking little show and one episode was all about animals getting ripped to the tits on various psychoactive substances.

    It included bees getting sloshed on pilfered pints and then showed the drunk bastards bouncing off their own hive when they flew home. The club bouncers at the entrance to the hive would refuse entry to any bee who was too hammered to do the dance properly.

    Same episode featured drunk monkeys nicking pitchers of grog, hedgehogs huffing creosote and a jaguar stoned out of its gourd after eating something herbal.

    1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: How High?

      I believe drunken Deer are a real problem in the highlands and the west country. They eat apples which ferment in their bellies thus getting them pissed :D

      1. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: How High?

        In Canada and Siberia, bears and moose are known to get drunk on berries, not sure if they eat them fermented or they ferment inside the animal.

        I think I would prefer to deal with a couple or few p8ssed wasps than a bear or a moose.

        Many decades back some mates and I stuffed the blackpowder from several penny bangers into a cardboard tube, inserted it into a wasp nest, lit the blue touch paper and retired, not far enough though. The wasps were quite annoyed at what we did to their nest, I was one of the fastesy runners and had half a dozen stings, a couple of the other lads had more. After that we were a little more responsible in our selection of demolition targets.

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: How High?

          I think I would prefer to deal with a couple or few p8ssed wasps than a bear or a moose.

          Admittedly I too would be a little disturbed if a black bear sidled up to me in the pub, put its arm around my shoulder and said, "Yor my besh mate, y'are. 'Ere, 'ave shum berriesh."

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: How High?

        I believe drunken Deer are a real problem in the highlands and the west country. They eat apples ...

        I'd not have thought that the largely tree-less highlands were apple country. Lowlands yes, but that's a different world.

        1. Spanners Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: How High?

          The north is not as treeless as you think. No trees up the hills but there are some in the glens (valleys) in between. I suspect that there are fewer in Caithness though.

          1. Pedigree-Pete
            Paris Hilton

            Re: How High?

            Trees in northern Scotland, if present, are rarely > 2-3 mtrs and almost always horizontal. Goes for some of the islands too. PP

            >>Paris, because alegedly she likes a good blow too.

            1. Spanners Silver badge
              Happy

              Re: How High?

              Goes for some of the islands too.

              Coming from Orkney, I am quite familiar with very windswept trees as you describe. However, we have "normal trees" in sheltered places try googling "happy valley Orkney" and looking at the pictures. No apple trees there as far as I know though.

              1. Rich 11 Silver badge

                Re: How High?

                No apple trees there as far as I know though.

                Easily fixed. Just sacrifice the local McPlod in a wicker man.

    2. naive

      Re: How High?

      What is it with alcohol and living creatures. Everything from a half inch wasp to an elephant of 2 tons seems to enjoy it. The creator must have given this craving for alcohol with an intention we did not uncover yet.

  8. PhilipN Silver badge

    Wasp heaven

    Cut the (bruised) top off an apple once and a fully-grown wasp staggered out from the core. He must have crawled in as a wee wasplet and couldn’t back out. Or was having a doze to sleep it off. Had no choice - after all wasps look and sound so ANGRY and the way they fly at you is so THREATENING - but to squash the b*****d.

    Just imagine getting stuck inside a reasonably full barrel of cider and not even being able to drink your way out.

  9. lee harvey osmond

    Yep, wasps are assholes

    Got stung on the wrist myself at a beer festival a fortnight ago. I played nicely all weekend (no swatting!) but got stung anyway. I’d include the picture if I could, but El Reg’s below-the-line stuff doesn’t support that.

    Wasp sting treatment? Insect bite creams like Anthisan are good. Or failing that, topical application of something mildly acidic like lemon juice. Or application of ice. You can imagine I had lots of trouble finding ice and lemon at a beer festival at a pub.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Yep, wasps are assholes

      For immediate sting treatment, remember this:

      AB

      VW

      As in alphabetic order.

      Alkaline Bee

      Vinegar Wasp

      1. Vinyl-Junkie

        Re: Yep, wasps are assholes

        Also Bicarb for bees, Vinegar for Vasps is a handy way to remember it. At least it's always worked for me since the age of about 10.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Yep, wasps are assholes

        AB vW

        Good advice. I learned it as Bee->Bicarb(onate of soda), Vasp->Vinegar

    2. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Yep, wasps are assholes

      Unless you have a serious reaciton to insect stings just man up and shout, "Ow, shit! You little f**ker!" as the smug stripey bastard flies away to bother someone else. Once got stung on the Adam's Apple while standing outside HMV ( that dates it! ) and it felt someone had driven a sewing needle into my throat. Saw the smug little git fly away while I grabbed at my throat, it didn't hurt for long and stopped hurting after 5 mins.

  10. IsJustabloke Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    / Smug

    I have *never* been stung by a wasp or a bee.

    I put it down to my calm nature when they approach... I simply put a had over my beverage and use gentle wafting motions to move them away.

    I do so enjoy the comedy moments when people run around, screaming while waving their arms about.

    I have also observed that if you kill a wasp in a very few minutes another of the stripey bastards will turn up and unerringly approach it's fallen comrades body before checking out the group to see who it thinks is to blame!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: / Smug

      *Allow me to assure you that the smug look on your face will rapidly disappear when you are stung and if you happen to be allergic then the panic that follows when you realise you are entering anaphylactic shock will also wipe that grin off your chevvy chase.

      *not that I wish it to happen to you but it can, does and has happened.

      1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: / Smug

        @ cornz

        I've no doubt it *may* happen sometime but so far (touch wood) I have avoided it. My cousin had some kind of reaction to a wasp sting... his forearm and hand swelled up most alarmingly :o

        I, of course, made off with his pint.

    2. Not also known as SC
      Happy

      Re: / Smug

      I also have *never* been stung by a wasp or a bee.

      I put it down to running around and screaming while waving my arms about.

      1. Hans 1 Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: / Smug

        I put it down to running around and screaming while waving my arms about.

        Very much to our delight, as we inherit an extra (your) pint ;-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: / Smug

        Yes, we call that the "Pest controllers dance".

  11. Michael Habel Silver badge

    W.A.S.P.

    ...And here I thought they were all sexual perverts. Then again that might have been the 80s Metal Band. I used to listen to.

    1. seven of five

      Welcome

      to the electric circus.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: W.A.S.P.

      oh... for a moment there I thought you were going to comment on White, Angelo-Saxon, Protestants.

    3. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: W.A.S.P.

      Respect to anyone who looks at a circular saw blade in his Dad's garage and thinks, "Hmm you know what guys I want that mounted on a codpiece and strapped to my undercarriage! We'll up the ante by making it shoot flames too!".

  12. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921

    Wasps are our friends

    They keep many crop chomping pests at bay, as well as attacking annoying drunk idiotic people (hopefully) repeatedly. Just wish wasps were much much bigger and were adept exponents of Kung Fu!

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't mind wasps

    In fact, I used to pour some of my drink onto the table for them at the various beer gardens down in Oxfnord that I used to haunt, primarily as it kept them from trying to go for a swim in my pint.

    As well as the usual ciders, I can say they seemed to really quite like 6X, tolerated Old Peculier, weren't that found of the Guinness (considering the number of times I had a bad pint of the stuff there, who could blame them?)..the surprise to me was that they also seemed to have quite a taste for whisky, though at the prices charged for single malts (excluding the JCRs and the Union) the stripey lushes could go mooch a sip elsewhere.

    1. Gordon 10 Silver badge

      Re: I don't mind wasps

      Wasps like 6X? That explains a lot about Devizes. All that's missing from the angry mashed up locals is a stripey yellow and black jumper.

  14. anothercynic Silver badge

    Wasps...

    ... I treat wasps with a lot of caution, given I'm allergic to the Belanogaster sting venom, so I am in no hurry to find out if any other vespidae induce the same fun reactions in me. So yes, BURN THAT HOUSE DOWN! FUMIGATE THE LIFE OUT OF THEM! Bastards.

  15. davemcwish
    Holmes

    HP Fruity Sauce

    Having done a study a couple or weeks ago when I was camping with friends in the West Riding of Yorkshire, we discovered that Irn-Bru was no use. The effective solution, albeit coupled with a wasp trap was diluted HP Fruity Sauce. Vespula Germanicae in other parts of the UK may have different tastes.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: HP Fruity Sauce

      The effective solution, albeit coupled with a wasp trap was diluted HP Fruity Sauce.

      No surprise there. In the West Riding they would have grown up having gravy on everything and would be sure to welcome something with a bit more of a tang.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: HP Fruity Sauce

      Oddly, had you been stung, some neat hp fruity would have been an immediate sting reliever.

  16. Huw D

    Sir David Attenborough was walking past a second-hand vinyl shop and saw an album in the window - "Wasp sounds of the Amazon".

    He asked the shop assistant if he could have a listen. The LP was duly placed on the turntable and a set of headphones passed to him.

    After a few minutes, he threw the headphones down in disgust. "I'm Sir David Attenborough! I've spent months in the Amazon! We did a special on the wasps and I don't recognise ANY of this! What's up?"

    The assistant turned around and apologised. "Sorry sir, I was playing the Bee side..."

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Pint

      @Huw D

      Well played Sir, well played. Have a pint on me.

  17. James O'Shea Silver badge

    You're not thinking BIG enough

    See https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2332214.The_Furies

    M'man Keith Roberts thought BIG. He had wasps big enough to carry off humans, and pitched battles involving armoured vehicles and aircraft vs wasps with bad attitudes. I liked it, if only for the battles between wasps and Saracen APCs (the Saracens didn't always win...) though to be sure I was about nine when I first read it, so the idea of a wasp big enough to bite through a machine gun barrel was more exciting than terrifying...

    1. Vinyl-Junkie

      Re: You're not thinking BIG enough

      Flippin' 'eck; I have a copy of that on my shelves (no doubt courtesy of a second-hand bookshop or sale). Might have to dig it out and reread it; it's been a while....

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: You're not thinking BIG enough

        Yup, read that as a kid too. Didn't the free humans mount dead wasps on the roof of their truck so the Furies would think they were under control?

        It was a daft idea for a book, but fun.

  18. dnicholas Bronze badge

    >> As with any drunk, it's a good idea not to annoy them more than they already are: so walking away rather than swatting at them is a better policy than picking a fight. Or in the classic lingo of the drunken beer-garden confrontation: leave 'im, he ain't worth it.

    Wasps, eh? Bastards.

    Sorry I have a kill on sight policy with these bastards. Bees, no problem, flies, not keen but I'll leave them alone if they leave me alone. Wasps, must die

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      FAIL

      Wasps, must die

      Awww poor waspies what have they ever done to you apart from be annoying stripey bastards who want your beer.

      Tri-Chloro-ethane... thats the stuff for wasps..... one squirt and wasp go arrrghhhh <thud> ..... trouble is.. too much and the human goes arrgh <thud> too

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasps, must die

        An unapproved method and likely to dissolve upvc frames if the nest is built around one.

  19. cosine
    Pint

    beer bottle trap

    My dad would hang a half-empty bottle of beer in the tree which trapped many wasps.

    What a way to go ...

  20. WoobieVonFruitbat

    The origin of the bee

    You should all know that bees are just hippie wasps who have gone vegetarian and mellowed right out.

    Can it bee true?

  21. jcridge

    flying patterns are misleading

    In their defence:

    -they have an unusual fast side to side search flying pattern

    -difficult for us to fathom and likely to seem aggressive.

    However, if you hold your hand near as they waver about you'll see they don't attack you, they're just inquiring and searching.

    Give them a chance to have a look, stay calm, carefully relocate any landers and you'll have no problems.

    We can all get along together.

    Yes, they're also part of a wider balanced ecosystem. They don't need to be cast as the devil or scapegoated.

    It's time to reconsider our well rehearsed prejudices which all to often bring about the bad results we didn't want in the first place

    1. matjaggard

      Re: flying patterns are misleading

      Except towards the end of the summer when they have no purpose in life and are drunk and will sting with no reason whatsoever. I got stung by one on the leg when I was standing still and hadn't even seen the hateful creature.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: flying patterns are misleading

      In their defence:

      -they have an unusual fast side to side search flying pattern

      -difficult for us to fathom and likely to seem aggressive.

      However, if you hold your hand near as they waver about you'll see they don't attack you, they're just inquiring and searching.

      Give them a chance to have a look, stay calm, carefully relocate any landers and then sting you anyway.

      TFTFY

  22. StuntMisanthrope Bronze badge

    Jaspers! Rum buggers I tell thee...

    Much like statuesque blondes, innocent bystanders and much else today, quality journalism has long since been lazy, intoxicated and hard to grasp.

    There’s a lesson here somewhere but, I’d have to lower a glass to it. #theworldofnews

  23. fm+theregister

    Wasps can turn into beautiful butterflies

    I heard wasps can turn into beautiful butterflies once... somewhere...

  24. TangoDelta72

    Insects also lack the enzyme ethanol dehydrogenase, so when they get drunk, they can't get un-drunk. Perpetually pissed until dead.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Anyone know how to block the production of ethanol dehydrogenase? I'd like that option when I'm on my deathbed. It sounds like more fun than slowly building up a tolerance to synthetic opioids.

  25. Spanners Silver badge
    Devil

    Had some in an old coalshed

    A few years ago, I saw wasps flying into and out of some planking at the top of an old coalshed. There were non inside but I was sure I could here rustlung up in the roof.

    I blocked the knot hole with "plastic wood" which some of you may remember from woodwork lessons in school. A few days later they were comming out of a different hole so I blocked that one and then went round and blocked up others. No more wasps around.

    A couple of years later, we were getting some work done and they were going to replace the roof. I told the people doing it. When they got the roof off, I had a look. It was larger than my head and apparently full of dead things that could still sting you.

  26. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Bee Sting

    Anyone who remembers Thick Ethernet will no doubt remember the pain and agony of bee stings, which could only be inserted at a minimum of 2.5 metre intervals to tap the network signal (cables were marked with the minimum insertion points). Our biggest client at the time had a server room with three or four servers in it... and a bloody great coil of thick ethernet cable to go with them. (Thick Ethernet cable was a lot less flexible than parallel printer cables, and about as thick).

  27. ZippedyDooDah

    I was sitting at a bus stop with a new colleague and client recently. We'd just had a lovely Sunday Carvery lunch. My colleague suddenly swatted his arm at a wasp, saying that it had stung him. I was dubious and thought that he might have actually "pushed" the sting into himself.

    He then told me that he had to be very careful about these things as he has previously suffered anaphylactic shock. Not only that, he told me he carries an EpiPen, normally. Today he'd left it at work, as usual. Having just done a first aid course, my first thought, which I said aloud, was, "What's first aid for anaphylaxis?

    We both said aloud at the same time, 999!!

    I kept a very close eye on him and had my phone in my hand. We were just five miles from the nearest A&E but thankfully he just had a small red blemish and had no other adverse reaction.

    Wasps? I've always hated the buggers. I delight in swatting them by hand and hearing that satisfying thud as they hit the deck. Followed swiftly by the crunch of them underfoot.

    Any by the way, he wasn't just winding me up!

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