back to article What if tech moguls brewed real ale?

The fine people at CAMRA are also fans of The Register, and are giving away both free and discount tickets for possibly one of the greatest shows on Earth: the incredible Great British Beer Festival at Olympia next month. To get in free, you must enter the competition below. Free entry will go to the five readers (and two of …

  1. chronicdashedgehog would probably taste like Daz or fizzy grapefruit

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Daz, don't knock it until you've tried it. Gets your insides whiter than white. I normally take mine with a meths chaser. Mmmm!

    2. Lusty

      Not sure they count as moguls but Risuale is quite tasty from Risual!

  2. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Head Crash, 8% ABV

    You start off floating whilst everything spins, but end up invoking disaster recovery procedures.

    Head Crash Premier has helium bubbles, for a lighter taste.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Head Crash, 8% ABV

      Static head slap. 9%

      Unexpected and devastating yet with a fresh flavour that causes a rebuild to the palette.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shoreditch Hipsters Nipple

    A fruity buzzword brew that's all mouth and no action. Best served through a beard.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: Hipsters Nipple

      Comes with a free bingo card.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Hipsters Nipple


        1. The Original Steve

          “Vulture’s Teat”

          See title

        2. Ben Bonsall

          Re: Hipsters Nipple

          Total Inability To Support Upended Pint.

  4. Will Godfrey Silver badge

    Spectre (Dark)

    Goes straight to your core and soon has you blabbing your most intimate secrets. In spite of later treatment you find you keep having flashbacks and reveal even more embarrassing information.

  5. OGShakes


    Looks and tastes like most mass produced lagers, think fosters, but it leaves you totally unable to access any of your memories from the night before....

  6. ARGO

    Hop count exceeded

    An American style IPA, obviously.

  7. Sykowasp


    "Continuous Drinkegration" - 5% IPA

    "Wobbly Vector" - 6% extra strong ale

    "Java 8" - 8% Coffee Porter


    "Agile Scrumpy" - 7% Cider (or maybe "Scrumpy Master" is a better name)

    "Quad (apple/pear) Core" - 4% Session Cider/Perry

  8. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

    Brainfuck - 9% tramp juice.

  9. rmason Silver badge



    when you open it, it's actually belongs to someone else. A random american turns up and drinks it.

    6.5%, but only to the guy called "Chad" who snatches it and drinks it all.

  10. Snivelling Wretch

    Daily Stand-Up

    An alcohol-free brew to ensure the drinker remains upright. Served in small measures only. Once opened, consume with 15 minutes. Best enjoyed on a full bladder.

    1. Giovani Tapini Silver badge

      Re: Daily Stand-Up

      Surely that should be called the "SCRUM half" instead...

      1. The Original Steve

        Re: Daily Stand-Up

        That’ll be the alcohol free cider, Shirley?

  11. Giovani Tapini Silver badge

    Works like Magic

    A cloudy, weak ale that fails to deliver against its hype.

  12. lord_alan

    Virtual Musk

    Full bodied hoppy taste with overtones of Electric Daisies.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
  13. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  14. Andytug

    BOFH Special IPA

    ABV 6.5%

    A strong yet smooth ale, apart from the sudden shock at first sip as the undertones of halon, quicklime and carpet become apparent. Best on a Friday afternoon. Should not be drunk next to any open windows or lift shafts in case of potential accidents. If drunk by management types may result in constant muscle spasms such as head nodding.

  15. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Hmmm. Our lunchtime round.

    Afternoon barman. I'll have an IPv6A please, a complex brew with fruity notes and a very, very long finish. A pint of Apple ciDer - oh and a microSoft drink for the driver. What was that you wanted, a rootkit beer? OK. And for myself? Hmmm.

    I'll have a systemd stout please. Nutty, with strong dark notes, conflicting with a bitter aftertaste.

  16. Ben Bonsall

    ArgumentNotFound 0.2%

    Self explanatory.

    3 ó (that should be an Atari st bomb symbol but close enough) 14%

    Thick, golden and heavy, you'll find the reason for the name of this barley wine when you get into the taxi at the end of the night.

  17. OGShakes


    ABV 3.5%

    A standardised IPA recipe that has an over complicated flavour that no one really likes.

  18. bofh1961

    Old Tekkie's Champale 11% ABV

    For celebrating the successful completion of a project that even the IT management thought was impossible. Erases all memories of the last few months...

  19. Unep Eurobats

    Small-batch Micro(soft)brew

    Low in alcohol, subtly hopped with the Nadella variety, becoming cloudier after increased storage, allowing the flavours to develop! develop!!!! develop!!!!1111!1. (Warning: trying to remove the pump may cause the whole bar to stop working.)

  20. Donk

    Blue Screen of Death

    A malty pint of mild would be the ultimate diversion while you turn your kit off and on again

  21. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    Something to do with Bitcoins or other cryptocurrency...

    Where you lose your memories rather than your bitcoins in a remote exchange heist.

  22. Unep Eurobats

    Apple cider

    Only £9.99 a pint. The glass must be held right and includes a Notch at the rim to keep your hipster moustache free of froth. Other brands offering their alcoholic beverages in cyclindrical receptacles will be sued.

    Made from water in a mysterious process by master brewer S Jobs.

    Tasting notes: distinct flavour of rainbows with a subtle hint of unicorn.

    1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

      Re: Apple cider

      Apple don't make cider. They only make iPA.

  23. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge


    Old slops served up as new.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Total Inability To Stand, er, Up

  25. BitterLemming

    Memory Leaks

    A superbly damp hop experience.

  26. BitterLemming

    You're Holding It wrong

    Bitter apples in a glass

  27. One trick pony

    A few for con-cideration

    "Sea Sharp" - Salty tang with whiff of rotten fish.

    "Pearl Rejects" - Complex notes, not easily digested.

    "Big O" - When you are in for a long session.

    "Tiptoe Though the Tuples" - A mixture of many beers and/or wine (normally consumed quickly at the end of an evening from multiple glasses in the Student Union bar).

    "Dup Swap Drop" - 0 percent for those wanting to drink but accomplish nothing.

    "Guido's Snake Soup" - Strong but mostly incomprehensible - especially for those not wearing braces.

  28. Matt Oldred

    Segmentation Malt

    Hoppy, nutty, foamy, with a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue.

  29. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Fail Whale Pale Ale

    What Twitter's network engineers were drinking right before they did whatever they did that caused the service to go TITSUP again.

  30. Matt Oldred


    Like Bacchus Framboise but only expected to sell around 10,000 units.

  31. Captain Hogwash Silver badge


    Enjoyed with PIMs chasers and known to loosen up those geeks who refuse to engage in Smalltalk.

  32. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Vulture's Nuts

    Fruit and Nut overtones

  33. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Tim's Tipple

    Cider. Trace ABV

  34. Matt Oldred

    Double Precision

    Used to toast the launch of your latest Ariane rocket, or commiserate if your guidance system tries to convert it into a 16-bit signed integer.

  35. SVV Silver badge



  36. Outski

    x86 Shilling

    For the discerning Scottish BOFH

  37. ElRodders


    A select beer everyone should order, good till the last drop...

    1. SVV Silver badge

      Re: SQAle

      This gets my vote, although the barperson giving you your pint of beery goodness would then be known as as an SQAle Server.

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re:A select beer everyone should order, good till the last drop...

      Very good.

      Can we join you at your table? Sampling all combinations will no doubt lead to a complete lack of cartesian coordination though.

  38. David Roberts Silver badge

    Non alchoholic

    We can win half price entry tickets or submit a code for 50% discount?

    Oh, go on then:

    No Contest - an absorbing but confusing beverage with no perceived long term benefit?

    Toe Stamp - more hoppy than you expected.

    ICL - a traditional ale. Can be distinguished from the more powerful and full bodied IBM mainly by a very slight difference in character(set). One for the discerning old time mainframe systems programmers.

  39. vonBureck

    Root Beer

    sudo get me a pint.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Root Beer

      That has to win,

      though I'd have probably used sudo grep -r "me a pint" *

      and specifically,

      sudo grep –r “me a pint of Guinness” *

  40. Ben Bonsall


    Produces a deep state of depression at the faddishness of javascript frameworks.

  41. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

    Under a mile away so will be there anyway...

    Googale - a chocolate stout, of course.

    Ethernol - enjoy from the TAP, or direct from the TUN as you prefer.

    Open Sauce - for drinkers that really don't like lock-ins.

    Duff Porter - a subtle blend of many layers (marketing strapline: it's not just about the destination)

    Tactical Nuclear Penguin - a Linux-inspired... no, that's a stupid name for a beer, forget it.

    1. Wensleydale Cheese

      Re: Under a mile away so will be there anyway...

      "Tactical Nuclear Penguin - a Linux-inspired... no, that's a stupid name for a beer, forget it."

      Causes a lot of swearing.

      1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

        Re: Under a mile away so will be there anyway...

        no shit...

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Does that beer exist?

    Heisenbock. ABV is unknown until after you drink it, and once you do you don't know how many you drank.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BOFH wannabe

    FooKeySheMa Seiz(ium)ure 137

    Its a west coast red ale finished in Pinot Noir barrels that had post-Fukishima grapes used in its last batch. It finishes a bit hot with a half life life of about 10,000 years.

    Shipped in lead foil wrappers.

  44. This post has been deleted by its author

  45. rbarrie


    Starting from fresh

  46. Tromos


    Like REAL ALE, but twice as good...

  47. Jim Howes

    Guru Meditation

    A 16% black brew with flashes of red. Will give you a kickstart to get to your workbench.

    Fond memories of doing various computer shows at olympia. As for GBBF, I'm there all week as one of your friendly stewards.

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: I'm there all week as one of your friendly stewards.

      Have they thought of renaming the place Aley Paley for the occasion?

  48. Colonel Mad

    Going, Thanks

  49. helgrind

    Photonic Crystale

    with Dark side of the Moon badge art

  50. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Ice Cold In Shoreditch

    Vulture hacks journey across the Silicon Roundabout in a Black Cab in search of innovation

  51. JimC


    A blend of several different old ales that no-one was interested in drinking anymore...

  52. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Pub Names

    The PC and Mac

    Android and iPhone

    Balmer and The Chair

    Linus and The Finger

    The Lord Sugar

    The Baroness, in Soho

    The Hipster Bar

    The Oracle

    The Penguin

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. John H Woods

      Re: Pub Names

      The Drink Pad

  53. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
  54. Paul Stimpson

    Suggestions from the night shift

    Torvald's Expletive Laden Rant - Finnish craft export bitter

    DHCP - Distinctly Hoppy Craft Pint


    USB - Universally Stout Beer

    Ankles Tangled & Twisted (AT&T) - Outsourced IPA.

    Core Dump - Late harvest cider

    PoE - Pint of Excellence

    Asterisk BoIP (Beer of India Pale)

    SaaS (Sauce as a Service) - Golden ale, provided by someone else


    Git Push - Strong ale; a real fighting drink

    Facebork - Another strong, dark ale.

    Turing's Bombe - Finely crafted tribute to Alan Turing. It's not quick but the results make it worth the wait.

    1. Wensleydale Cheese

      Re: Suggestions from the night shift

      "Core Dump - Late harvest cider"

      Panic Dump - A German Weissbier

    2. John H Woods

      Re: Suggestions from the night shift

      "DHCP - Distinctly Hoppy Craft Pint"

      Yeah, but there's generally only one server for that - and when they aren't available you'll end up with an Automatically Provided IPA

  55. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Kernel Panic 2%

    A fruity brew where you only have a 2% chance of working out what the f*ck just happened.

  56. Keef

    Not an ale name but a bit of a story about booking a ticket for the GBBF.

    When I booked my tickets the following questions were a mandatory condition of purchase.

    Where did you hear about the festival?

    How often do you go to the pub?

    How often do you drink real ale?

    I complained to CAMRA as I thought this might be in breach of GDPR and did get a quick response saying the conditions on questions had been removed. I checked and they had been.

    I also commented on the 'I agree to the above waiver' options as I thought that might not be clear to many people but was told that couldn't be changed as the wording was set by eventbrite and CAMRA had no way to change it.

    Well done El Reg on such a big discount for readers, as someone who has paid to been a CAMRA member for over 35 years (with the odd year break now and then before I paid by direct debit) I got nowhere near that discount! Bit miffed about that if I'm honest.


  57. Giovani Tapini Silver badge

    Moore's Pour

    A really good pint that somehow leaves you wanting to double your capacity every time you drink it

  58. Paul 87

    Black Screen of Death

    ABV 12% - A double brewed Imperial stout with notes of smoked oats, dispair and a smooth nutty finish. Leaves a lingering aftertaste of panic.

    Best followed by a pint of Reboot, or if taste lingers, NewMachine

  59. JayEmmay

    GNAB 26.1%

    Standing for GNAB's not a beer the name makes perfect sense about halfway through the second pint. Multiple flavours and aficionados claim suitable for any occasion.

    Polite and restrained conversations often break out on its merits compared to the similar "Fruit of the VIne" despite it being superior in every conceivable respect.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tech & Real Ale

    A match made in nerd heaven.

  61. cosymart

    Old Peculiar (yes I know :-) )

    Acorn and Gone - Nutty with a hint of nostalgia

    Archimedes - A bit Greek with a hint of old socks

    WIMP Game - Endless fun with strange hints

    1. Will Godfrey Silver badge

      Re: Old Peculiar (yes I know :-) )

      WIMP game ... never did get through that one

      1. cosymart

        Re: Old Peculiar (yes I know :-) )

        @ Will Godfrey - WIMP game ... never did get through that one

        I don't know anyone who did hence - Endless Game :-)

  62. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    And no one has mentioned...

    Blockchain Brew. No one understands it but everyone wants it.

  63. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    IT Angle

    The inevitable EULA

    that you have to read (all 500+ pages) before they will license you to drink a pint.

    They will be along later to collect the same amount of urine because the EULA only allowed you an 18 hour loan of the liquid.

    Failure to give up the urine will lead to a law suit being filed before you can blink an eye. They will allege IP theft, wilful patent violation(triple damages) and anything else that the $1000/hour lawyers can think of.

    Sadly, I'll be in Haggis land when the GBBF is on but I hear that the Isle of Skye brewery in Uig brews a pretty decent pint.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: The inevitable EULA

      "They will allege IP theft, wilful patent violation(triple damages) and anything else that the $1000/hour lawyers can think of."

      I'll get my lawyer to look into it, I. P. Freely, he's very good at dealing with EULAs which take the piss.

  64. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Social wetwork

    Though I think that might fall foul of trading standards for implying violence.


    NumbPint for the legless python coder.

    "Press Nine to order a pint"

    Edit: Actually, continuing the Python jokes, can I submit both Pythonic and Pandorable as words better suited to beer than to coding?

  65. teknopaul Silver badge

    Served by the 228ml


    OOP5 - 0C/FF ABV

    OFF5 - 0F/FF ABV

    1. donk1

      Re: Served by the 228ml

      "The Daily WTF happened last night".....after you drink it you need a (P)ersonal (I)njury (S)upport (S)ystem!

  66. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Total Inability To Stay Upright Porter

  67. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  68. The Original Steve


    See above

  69. davidak

    Buffer Overflow

    Always get just more than a pint.

  70. Adam Jarvis

    Batch Tuesday

    "Batch Tuesday"

    Tasting Notes.

    A secret recipe - known to be a somewhat vomit inducing bitter-sweet ale based on a recipe of a large multinational in Seattle, after buying out what was, a successful Finnish Brewery.

    The recipe is changed monthly on the second Tuesday of the month. Best described as work in progress. Multiple flavours, none of which is particularly enticing.

    Can often take all night and into the early morning to drink a single bottle. Your brain often ends up as mush, constantly checking to see if the contents are finished, hoping the non-responsiveness won't last.

    Best thing you can say about 'Batch Tuesday', if you manage to get through to the next day with no ill effects, you'll be somewhat relieved. Oddly though, some can't wait to try next month's batch to see if it's improved, treating the beer like an endurance test.

    Store upright as contents liable to leak.

  71. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Integer Ale

    No, you can't have a half.

    Needs to be brewed at exactly 4%. No fractions allowed.

  72. Adam Jarvis

    Frictionless Border Beer.

    Frictionless Border Beer.

    Tasting Notes.

    Originally thought up to be one of those aspirational low alcohol beers by a soft drinks company, that is meant to appeal to all. It's their first dip of the toe into the low alcohol soft drinks market and it shows.

    It's completely flavourless with gammon, even though it was designed to appeal to all British tastes, it's not even as good as the best selling EU brewed equivalent yet the SRP is double the price. Its unique selling point "a novel new beer that hasn't' been attempted before anywhere in the World before".

    Very cloudy, opaque even, when poured and overly complex. From the description, you really can't make head nor tail of it. Very difficult to define the overall market they are going for, not much appeal. Far too expensive for its own good and unlikely to see any real delivery before 2030, due to production problems, lack of tender to produce at scale.

    You'd do better to stick to with your usual EU brand of beer, all told.

  73. Erewhon

    "Cloudy Bollocks"

    Other peoples ale, made from piss and wind, and you don't buy a pint you rent it.

    1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: "Cloudy Bollocks"

      "Other peoples ale, made from piss and wind, and you don't buy a pint you rent it."

      Sometimes served from a leaking bucket.

      1. HieronymusBloggs

        Re: "Cloudy Bollocks"

        "Sometimes served from a leaking bucket."

        Pail ale?

  74. Adam Jarvis




    Zuckerburp, shadow profile.

    Tasting Notes.

    Best consumed in private. Avoid oversharing these beers. Can leave a bad aftertaste and severe headaches that prove difficult to resolve.

  75. This post has been deleted by its author

  76. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Elders of the Internet

    Elders of the Internet

    Tasting Notes.

    One of Kind. A somewhat lighter feel to it than expected.

    An absolute favourite of Theresa May and Amber Rudd.

  77. Adam Jarvis



    Tasting Notes.

    Stains everything if spilt. Avoid at all costs. Never confess to drinking it.

    A one-time favourite pastime of Marcus Hutchins.

    Don't try to work out what it's made of, based loosely on an original recipe by the NSA/GCHQ.

  78. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Western Digital Black

    Western Digital Black

    Tasting Notes.

    It was a far better prize for all this work ;)

  79. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Google Eyed GDPR

    Google Eyed GDPR

    Tasting Notes.

    Don't drink too much. Keep your hands to yourself, avoid the tendency to let them wonder.

    GDPR means No in any European language, or an expensive fine.

  80. Danny 4

    The 8 Bitter

    Nostalgic trip down memory lane when beer was tasty and affordable and the computer games weren't so complicated...

  81. x' AND select * from *


    Managed 11 attempts before beer o'clock

    a) Emale or just E-mail - For the old fashioned connoisseur that hates social media!!

    b) Man in the Mid ale attack - Authentic and trustworthy ale for non techies

    c) Kernale - Makes your system work like magic!!

    all served in (80)586ml glasses

  82. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Gorilla Beer

    Gorilla Beer.

    Beer ordered and served in Gorilla Glass.

    Tasting Notes

    There's an Ape for that*.

    *Well it worked last time!

  83. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    Google Glass

    No, not a receptacle for serving beer.

    Probably seemed like a good idea for whoever thought of the idea, much like looking through Beer Goggles.

  84. Jaspa

    GDPR say 7%

    Gets Directly to the Parts other ales cannot Reach.

    And it effs you up just as badly as the legislation.

  85. spold Bronze badge

    Divide by Beero - an undefinable hoppiness...

  86. Anonymous C0ward

    Scratch Monkey

    A pint of this is like an electric shock to the brain.

  87. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    Software marketing model

    The brewing recipe and process may be subject to continuous change and "improvement", fail QA tests, but slip through to the consumer

    In a bid to capture and keep your custom, you may have to sign up to a subscription and provide personal information for marketing purposes

  88. Simple Si

    Bishop's Three Fingers

    Control + Ale + Delete

    A disorientating strong ale with subtle hints of BSoD.

  89. Konk

    All your beverages are belong to us

  90. Hugh Jarce


    HTMAle is the standard drinkup brew.

    Well structured, with clean delineated elements including bold, emphasised, and underlined notes among its range of attributes, HMTAle is the ultimate world-wide beer, encompassing a vast, complex web of flavours.

    HTMALe - truly Hoppy, Tasty, Malty Ale - available at a variety of strengths, with 5% now the most popular.

  91. Securitymoose

    Over Budget

    A government sponsored, over-priced ale that tastes worse as you get further down the glass. You have to keep on drinking, and pretend you like it though, because you've paid so much, and don't want to admit you made a bad investment.

  92. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Private Pint

    The Private Pint.

    Tasting notes.

    Not cheap, you have to pay real money upfront for this great tasting Pint.

    One of those traditional pints you long for, where standards are diligently upheld.

    Not available in any Google,Experian or Facebook owned Pub.

  93. Lazy_Photon

    Distributed Denial of Soberness

    DDoS (5.5 - ∞ % Vol)

    A social drink, one to be enjoyed round after round after round after round, affordable and effective throughout the day. Expect a constant unending stream of flavour. The bottomless pint :)

  94. bevete

    01100010 01100101 01100101 01110010 - 4.6% craft lager. Beer in it's most basic form.

    16:59 Job Request - 8.0% DIPA. Something strong to keep the will to live.

    4bit Brew - 6.0% cask aged beer from long ago.

    Spring Update - 6.0% Gose. Leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

  95. Piro

    Batch Tuesday

    Brewed on the second Tuesday of each month, very sour in flavour, leaves a feeling of regret after consumption.

  96. A K Stiles

    Dev-Hops IPA

    Triple hopped, extra citrus ale, 6.66% ABV, leaves you with a bitter aftertaste - seemed like a good idea at the time you bought it!

  97. MrBeer

    Take your Musk off

    An apologetic red (faced) ale showing some musky notes after being kept in a very damp cave.

  98. ElectricFox

    640 ml special brew

    Should be enough for anyone...

  99. annodomini2

    Cyber Punch

    Cider - Loosely based on a West country Scrumpy, you know the ones that get you pissed from the feet upwards.

    With added Nanites - thoroughly intended to prevent you getting a hangover.

    Side effects - note Nanites have been known to go rogue and covert you into a Borg!

  100. Gheek

    Sega ‘16 Bit’ter

    Notes of hedgehog that take ages to be forgotten

  101. Fungus Bob Silver badge


    Makes you want to take all your clothes off and have a rectal exam and not care afterwards.

  102. This post has been deleted by its author

  103. Brenda McViking

    Hard Beerexit

    Celebrity endorsed by Nigel Farage, Unknown ABV% because we've torn up the regulations that require that sort of thing. Liked by 52% of people that first try it, but the aftertaste makes you realise what a long, drawn out mission it's going to be to swallow the remain(d)ers.

  104. nickfez


    An unfiltered beer, drank with a large head

  105. William Higinbotham

    Cannot have a Bit of beer without a Byte to eat :-)

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