back to article Bill Clinton's cyber-attack novel: The airport haxploit-blockbuster you knew it would be

The Register has read the The President Is Missing by Bill Clinton and James Patterson so you don't have to. Don't say we never do anything for you... Bill Clinton’s foray into co-authoring a novel is an awkward hybrid of cyber thriller and reflections on the loneliness and responsibility of high political office. The …

  1. James 51 Silver badge
    Pint

    I had no plans to read it but thanks for taking one for the team and confirming my preconceptions. You deserve one of these ->

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      confirming my preconceptions.

      They definitely confirmed mine:

      The fictional president, a former governor of a southern US state (remind you of anyone?) and widower,

      OK, we finally have a confirmation of Bill's subliminal wishes about his other half. Congratulations bill. Husbands Anonymous salutes you.

      1. rskurat

        wishes indeed

        I had the same thought - a man can dream, can't he?

    2. BebopWeBop Silver badge
      Pint

      Correct probably NEED several of those.

  2. Woza
    Joke

    The President is missing?

    Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something, it's nearly always there!

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: The President is missing?

      That or behind the sofa

      1. BoldMan

        Re: The President is missing?

        Or between the cushions on the sofa

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The President is missing?

          OR in the cupboard with the latest young female staffer...

          1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
            Paris Hilton

            Re: The President is missing?

            On the bookshelf, sandwiched between Jilly Cooper and E L James. Paris becasue she might join in the fun.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: The President is missing?

        That or behind the sofa

        Or, in the case of small (preferrably fluffy) items - look near senior cats favourite sleeping place. He went through a fetish (for a while) of collecting single socks and using them to line is sleeping spot. Even more oddly, he preferred used socks..

        One day we'll get a normal cat.

        1. Santa from Exeter

          Re: The President is missing? @CrazyOldCatMan

          Our senior lady prefers sleeping in the plant pot occupied by the Rubber Plant.

          'Normal Cat'? How many moggies have you owned? No such thing old bean!

  3. Iain 14
    Unhappy

    Spitting Image got there first?

    I'm sorry to say that I can't take the book's title seriously, as it keeps reminding me of the spoof mini-series "The President's Brain is Missing" (starring Ronald Reagan) that used to run within episodes of Spitting Image...

    1. james_smith

      Re: Spitting Image got there first?

      For those not familiar with it: The President's Brain Is Missing.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Spitting Image got there first?

        For those not familiar with it: The President's Brain Is Missing.

        Surprising how fiction got there long before reality... It took what? 8 more years for USA to admit that they had a person with dementia in control of the nuclear codes.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Spitting Image got there first?

          Surprising how fiction got there long before reality... It took what? 8 more years for USA to admit that they had a person with dementia in control of the nuclear codes.

          I don't think forgetting what the code was today is all that much of a problem.

          Going full-out on the arms race, however was a problem. It lead to nasty self-reinforcing tunnel vision of an impending nuclear attack on the Soviet side:

          Nuclear Close Calls: Able Archer 83

          Thatcher was so concerned by how close the exercise had come to nuclear war that she ordered British officials to “urgently consider how to approach the Americans on the question of possible Soviet misapprehensions about a surprise Nato attack.”

          The sad thing is that we are still in the same situation, more or less, driven by people who want to democratize and plunder ever last corner of earth.

      2. Andy Mac

        Re: Spitting Image got there first?

        What about The Simpsons and Troy McClure’s “The President’s Neck is Missing”?

    2. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Spitting Image got there first?

      Neeed to relaunch for the current numpty!

  4. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

    Can anyone shed light on how the recommendation soundbites are obtained

    The endorso-drones just seem to mindlessly gush and it is sometimes clear that they haven't read the book they are endorsing at all.

    1. iron Silver badge

      Re: Can anyone shed light on how the recommendation soundbites are obtained

      Some of them are probably quotes about other Patterson books and some of them will be cleverly edited from a negative review. For example Harlen Coben may have said "I read it in one gulp, you will too. It's that bad!" and Lee Child may have said "Delivers big time yawns, not the political thriller of the decade." but by careful omission those quotes can be made to sound positive.

  5. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Widower

    I bet Hillary gave him some shit for that.

    1. TheOldGuy

      Re: Widower

      Wishfull thinking on Bill's part?

    2. Locky Silver badge

      Re: Widower

      To be fair, he's done worse...

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: Widower

        You mean worse in his Body Removal activities?

  6. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Thumb Down

    "making his way out of the White House through a secret tunnel"

    Right, because there is a tunnel in the White House that the Secret Service doesn't know about/hasn't bugged and rigged full of detectors nor have a pair of Marines posted at either end.

    I'm all for suspension of belief, but it has to be at least plausible. Give me a traffic jam and a sudden, inspired escape, and I'll go along because, even if dubious, it just might happen.

    But a secret tunnel, unknown to an organisation who has been in charge of the White House for almost as long as there have been Presidents ? And this one new guy who has only been there for, at best, three to seven years, knows about it ?

    Well that just about sums it up : I'll keep on reading Tom Clancy novels. When he pulls a Deus Ex Machina out of thin air, he's good enough to at least dress it up properly.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: "making his way out of the White House through a secret tunnel"

      Agreed. Obviously there is no such thing as an unguarded secret tunnel out of the White House, else why would Melania have had to dig her own?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "making his way out of the White House through a secret tunnel"

        Secret passages you say? Thank $DEITY for Charles Stross.

        Roger shakes his head. "I don't know, sir. We know the gateways link to at least three other planets. There may be many that we don't know of. We don't know how to create them or close them; all we can do is send people through, or pile bricks in the opening.'' He nearly bites his tongue, because there are more than three worlds out there, and he's been to at least one of them: the bolt-hole on XK-Masada, built by the NRO from their secret budget. He's seen the mile-high dome Buckminster Fuller spent his last decade designing for them, the rings of Patriot air defence missiles. A squadron of black diamond-shaped fighters from the Skunk works, said to be invisible to radar, patrols the empty skies of XK-Masada. Hydroponic farms and empty barracks and apartment blocks await the senators and congressmen and their families and thousands of support personnel. In event of war they'll be evacuated through the small gate that has been moved to the Executive Office Building basement, in a room beneath the swimming pool where Jack used to go skinny-dipping with Marilyn.

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

  8. HolySchmoley

    "high political office"

    "High" is the common description.

    but I find myself increasingly thinking of political office as the home of the lowest of the low.

    I don't know whether age increases cynicism,

    or experience increases understanding.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: "high political office"

      All I'm saying is that he didn't inhale.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "a former governor ..... and widower..."

    Widower? Little wish-fulfillment there, Bill?

    I read a James Patterson book once. I use "read" in the same loose way that Patterson uses the verb "write".

  10. George of the Jungle

    Thanks for the time saver

    "The prose is as pedestrian as Stephen King might expect, and best compared to the Da Vinci Code."

    Since I think Dan Brown's work is a steaming pile, this sums it up quite nicely as a load of bollocks.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: Thanks for the time saver

      Stephen Fry described DVC as "loose stool water".

      1. JPeasmould

        Re: Thanks for the time saver

        I thought his description was "arse gravy of the worst kind". Perhaps he said both.

        True though.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lots of borrowed plots?

    "President Duncan is also facing impeachment proceedings while coping with a long term health condition"

    Don't they mean president Bartlet?

  12. Scorchio!!

    No cigars were hurt in this novel, I am quite sure of that.

  13. Wolfclaw Silver badge

    Is their an intern in the book, on her knees smoking ? Can see this being on the bargain basement shelf next to Mein Kampf.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      ... bargain basement shelf next to Mein Kampf.

      Between Mein Kampf and The Art of the Deal, I would suggest, is a good place for it.

      I started reading it when it came out, made it part way through the first chapter, and moved on to another book.

      "Sunburst and Luminary" is quite interesting, BTW...

  14. Tom Paine Silver badge
    Mushroom

    .

    Parts of the book, such as a passage relating the telephoning the mother of a dead soldier, have the mark of authenticity.

    I guess he knew what he was signing up for, right/

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I can see this book going down, a bit like his intern.

  16. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    Would you be able to resist

    Making the first letter of the last few pages spell out

    J F K W A S K I L L E D B Y

    And then end it there ?

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Would you be able to resist

      Didn't Robert Harris already do that?

  17. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    As if that’s not enough, President Duncan is also facing impeachment proceedings Thats, easy, just needs to pardon himself, its perfectly legal, all the big presidents do it while coping with a long term health condition Viagra can help that, Bill and fending off a pregnant would-be assassin and her cohorts. Just insist you didn't sleep with the assassin and the whole thing will go away, that is not the ninja costume you're looking for.......

  18. Sloppy Crapmonster

    If you're looking for presidential superheroes, skip this and wait for Metal Wolf Chaos XD instead:

    http://mechamericagreatagain.com

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "The fictional prez, a former Army Ranger and Gulf War veteran"

    "The fictional prez, a former Army Ranger and Gulf War veteran", is that a shout to VP Pence? I hope not, he just might be more dangerous than OPOTUS.

    1. 2Nick3 Bronze badge

      Re: "The fictional prez, a former Army Ranger and Gulf War veteran"

      The character stopped reminding me of Clinton right there - voluntarily served in the military during the "Bush War"? There's suspension of belief, but that is pushing it, isn't it??

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Financial Records

    The good old "erase financial records" plot.

    Backups?

  21. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The President Is Missing Pussy

      I doubt it.

  22. 89724102172714582892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921

    Is it a statement of fact given he was impeached?

    p.s The President Is Missing Them Peaches

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