back to article You've got pr0n: Yes, smut by email is latest workaround for UK's looming cock block

Web-dwellers who don't use Tor but are worried about the UK's impending smut block interrupting their viewing habits have been offered a simple way to satisfy their urges – porn by Email. The idea is a two-fingered salute to the government's decision to require all sites hosting adult content to set up age-check gateways to …

  1. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Everything old is new again

    FTPmail is the term used for the practice of using an FTPmail server to gain access to various files over the Internet.[1] An FTPmail server is a proxy server which (asynchronously) connects to remote FTP servers in response to email requests, returning the downloaded files as an email attachment. This service might be useful to users who cannot themselves initiate an FTP session—for example, because they are constrained by restrictions on their Internet access.

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FTPmail

    Yay progress.

    1. TheVogon Silver badge

      Re: Everything old is new again

      "This service might be useful to users who cannot themselves initiate an FTP session—for example, because they are constrained by restrictions on their Internet access."

      Or presumably because they only have one hand free.

      1. DiViDeD Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Everything old is new again

        I've never had any problem operating an FTP with just one hand.

        Oh wait.......

        I meant............

        It's the one with the single handwipe in the pocket

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Everything old is new again

      Ooops they forgot to add verification. Wouldn't it be terrible if someone was to say, load up Telnet and accidentally order someone I don't like lots of queer midget pron to his work email...

  2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    What's next?

    So what's next? Newsgroups?

    1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: What's next?

      Art, obviously. After all, that was the solution from the Renaissance on. Paint bare ladies and gentlemen, call it art. In Victorian times, apparently, it was not uncommon for the upper classes to put the more interesting pictures in the bedrooms of their visitors, a kind of pre-wifi service. Perhaps it was assumed that the servants wouldn't notice them.

      There is a story that on visiting one country house Mrs. Disraeli complained to her hostess "I find our room contains an indecent picture. I have been up all night preventing Disraeli from looking at it." She did not explain what stratagem she had employed to prevent him.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's next?

        "Art, obviously."

        In South Africa in the 1970s there was an apparent classification for "art" and "pr0n" pictures. If the book was an expensive hard-back then it could be officially "art" - any other packaging would be "pr0n". That applied even if the contents were identical.

        Hence why the imported "Amateur Photographer" magazine often appeared on the news stands minus its front cover. Record sleeves suffered differently - with indelible black marker ink blotting out any exposed body parts.

        The UK published "News of the World" had an international edition which arrived by air - while a private mailing of the UK edition came by surface mail. In one notable case there was a back view of two young women streaking across Westminster Bridge. In the international edition the picture had been modified to add briefs and bra straps.

        Someone took exception to the Time-Life educational photographic hard-back books in Pretoria Public Library. All boobs and pubic areas had been neatly excised - leaving neat triangular holes in the pages.

        One famous poster was a silhouette of a young woman on a beach at sunset. She was standing sideways - and the shape of her briefs were obvious. What was less certain was whether she was wearing a bikini top. The poster was regularly banned or unbanned depending on current opinions.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What's next?

          Ahhh, now that brings back memories of soft porn mags like Scope etc, with stars on the tits.

    2. gv

      Re: What's next?

      Time to re-invigorate Usenet and Gopher.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's next?

        Magazines in the bushes..

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What's next?

          Quote: Magazines in the bushes..

          and bushes in the magazines!

        2. Franco Silver badge

          Re: What's next?

          Let us hope so, because the current generation will never know the sheer delight of a game of football abandoned for the reason "jazz mag stopped play".

          I have no problem with attempts to stop children looking at porn, but this is the responsibility of the parents, not the government. Responsible parents (who may well like to look at a bit of porn themselves) will have web filters to stop their children looking at inappropriate content.

          Responsible parents will also tell their children no, you can't live off sweets/crisps/pizza/burgers and feed them properly, rather than blaming the government for allowing the charlatans making this stuff to not only sell it but have the audacity to advertise it too.

          It's not like our government don't have better things to spend their time on, there are one or two issues around after all.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: What's next?

            But IRresponsible parents end up producing delinquents, and delinquency can be contagious due to the Forbidden Fruit effect. Since the effects of the guilty can bring collateral damage to the innocent, the status quo cannot be accepted and something needs to be done. If the parents won't take responsibility, SOMEONE needs to step in. How else do you propose to deal with delinquency?

            The TL;DR version: If enough parents were taking charge, they would be keeping the nanny state from taking charge. The fact the nanny state is being tolerated points to a greater problem in society that has no easy solutions.

            1. Franco Silver badge

              Re: What's next?

              If the state begins to control what the public is or isn't allowed to see, then how far away are we from a police state? (No doubt there are those that would argue we're not far away already). Where do you draw the line with pornography, as it is not something that every single person would agree on the definition of.

              There is no easy answer to dealing with such issues as delinquency, but the continual heavy handed approach of punish all for the mistakes of the few is most certainly not the answer IMO.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: What's next?

                Given the state of the public, through, the alternative is anarchy: also unsavory. Which will the general public prefer?

              2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

                Re: What's next?

                "Where do you draw the line with pornography, as it is not something that every single person would agree on the definition of."

                And this is the real crux of the matter.

                I personally draw the line at representations of nonconsensual sex (which by definition includes animals and children as well as assault, rape and people without capacity, so includes drunks and people on drugs.) Others would draw it somewhere else.

                I suspect that the government, urged on by the Daily Mail, simply draws the line at nudity. The Mail website (before I blocked it with Tea & Kittens because people would shorten links to it) included pictures of underage girls in sexualised clothes, which to them was obviously OK but falls under my definition above since they could not give informed consent to the use of the pictures.

                1. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

                  Re: What's next?

                  ...I personally draw the line at representations of nonconsensual sex (which by definition includes animals...

                  What do you do if a dog starts humping your trouser leg...?

                  1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

                    Re: What's next?

                    Whatever you do, don't film it!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What's next?

      "Newsgroups?"

      That also needs very slow transfer rates to achieve the heightened sense of delayed gratification when you have no idea what will be the actual content. Was it going to be worth the cost of the per minute connection charges?

      A fast download used to be a warning that it was probably a BAT file containing "del C:\*.*"

      Ah - such innocent days.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: What's next?

        That also needs very slow transfer rates to achieve the heightened sense of delayed gratification when you have no idea what will be the actual content. Was it going to be worth the cost of the per minute connection charges?

        And you'll never know if she have miff titties... or whether the line would drop mid-stroke/download...

        Dialup was finicky enough those days, if you had a line that was close to 100% you were a really lucky bastard...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What's next?

          "Dialup was finicky enough those days, [...]"

          ISPs had massive banks of listening modems and occasionally you would be randomly assigned one that refused to negotiate higher than 2400bps. You could tell by the audible buzz, burble, and twang from your modem whether you were going to get a decent bit rate.

          1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

            That time of the month where I collect downvotes

            This thread makes the case for the legislation. None of you grew up with instant access to more porn than even the most hardened wanker could consume in a lifetime. The government isn't aiming to build an impenetrable barrier; the point is to reduce the flow back towards that level.

            Of course it would be better if we had better sex education and more responsible parenting. It's all but certain there will be some embarassing leaks. And It's likely it will concentrate power in the hands of one or two companies and put small providers out of business. But none of you are campaigning for solutions to those problems. You're just screaming "No, don' t take away porn from under 18s", on the grounds it might make your lives a tad stickier.

            Outside the libertarian trend, everybody looks at the long list of things we stop under 18s accessing, and says "fair enough" to adding porn to the list, and then starts googling VPNs.

            1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

              Re: That time of the month where I collect downvotes

              The government isn't aiming to capable of build an impenetrable barrier

              But if someone offered them one, millions of pounds would be poured down the drain before they realised they had been conned. I really do not give a damn what the government intends. What matters is the extensive collateral damage they will cause with their pointless pet projects.

              Back when the Roman occupation was getting down to business, the famous quote was "What we do in public with the best, you do in secret with the worst". Somehow the country was able to function for thousands of years when it was normal for people to boink in public. A couple of hundred years ago there were island cultures with the same attitude.

              If you want an internet porn filter go out and buy one yourself. I do not see why my taxes should fund your fear of nudity. Increased broadband connectivity correlates with a decrease in sexual assaults on women. Where do you want your perverts: At home looking at porn or looking for work in a school?

            2. Mark 85 Silver badge

              Re: That time of the month where I collect downvotes

              Fair enough. So porn gets "controlled". What's next? Political sites? Religious? Social? It's a slippery and steep sloop that once were on it, it will be impossible to get off.

              Currently, freedoms everywhere are under attack... not just online. Much is usually started by "think of the children". So be careful what you advocate and/or wish for.

      2. Symon Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        Re: What's next?

        "the heightened sense of delayed gratification"

        Comic Book Guy & Cpt. Janeway?

        https://youtu.be/KSKBRWoGvL0

      3. adam payne Silver badge

        Re: What's next?

        del C:\*.* /q nowadays

        /q so it does all nice and quiet

    4. Notwork

      Re: What's next?

      Twitter #<insert adult interest here>

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What's next?

      So what's next? Newsgroups?

      Shhhhh! First rule of Usenet......

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm alright I only watch 1970's porn that had the instrumentals that never quite made it onto Starsky and hutch with the Germans, afros, handlebar moustaches and big titles at the start.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Hehe! Bizarrely, the Mahna Mahna song from the Muppets was originally from an Italian soft core psuedo-documentary about Swedish sex life.

      http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Mahna_Mahna_(song)

    2. Teiwaz Silver badge

      I read that as....

      I only watch 1970's porn that had the instruments that never quite made it onto Starsky and hutch

      I thought, 'what an odd choice of slang term', and 'could there have been a racier version of Starsky and Hutch I didn't previously know about....?'

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Big titties at the start?

  4. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Trollface

    Alternatively...

    Hedge-net.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Alternatively...

      Surely Bushnet?

  5. tip pc Bronze badge

    Email account verification?

    I Wonder if it actually bothers to verify the email account the request says it comes from. If it doesn't then all sorts of people will be sent all sorts of P0RN they never asked for, yes including kids pranking their mates and getting filth delivered to their inbox. I'm guessing Google and hotmail will block email from the P0RN domain & companies & organisations who use reputation filters should be ok too, just leaves those who roll their own email servers or some domain hosts that do email that may get a shock.

    Anyone signing up politicians or others for a prank should be aware though that the intended recipient will likely never see the images as the mails would get blocked, even those who have to go through the trapped mails won't see them.

    1. JimmyPage Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: all sorts of people will be sent all sorts of P0RN they never asked for,

      AKA "The Law of Unintended Consequences"

    2. Frank Bitterlich

      Re: Email account verification?

      That's a feature - Plausible Denial.

      "I never requested this smut, someone else must have signed me up!"

      1. GIRZiM Bronze badge

        Re: Plausible Denial

        Of course1

        With the recent revelations about the amount of pr0n being looked at by government employees during office hours, it's no wonder the government wants to enforce plausible deniability.

    3. Mike 16 Silver badge

      Re: Email account verification?

      Again we can look to history for guidance. Once upon a time I was given the conference badge for a VP (because the company was too cheap to buy admission for "grunts" and the VP couldn't be bothered to attend) The conference was CES, before they banished the porn to another building. In that day and age, one did not simply download an app, verify credentials, re-try the "I accept" button until some server deigned to sign you op for the newsletter. The badges were embossed like a credit card of the day. One swipe and mild crunching sound later you could "express interest" in their catalogue. I asked a friend to use his borrowed badge for the tech info that interested me, while that VP got a lot of (paper) catalogues for a variety of interests, in the office mailbox.

    4. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

      Re: Email account verification?

      That's why the first stage is getting hold of the politicians private email. Or, even better, his wife's...

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Email account verification?

      "Anyone signing up politicians or others for a prank should be aware though that the intended recipient will likely never see the images as the mails would get blocked, even those who have to go through the trapped mails won't see them."

      You do realise you have to send the email from the address you want to recieve the emails on?

      So unless you have access to your local politicians emails.... which raises a whole other set of questions....

  6. Camilla Smythe Silver badge

    :-( My Mail Server....

    Has a per message limit of 10MB. I can see my forearm wasting away already.

    1. Flywheel Silver badge

      Re: :-( My Mail Server....

      "per message limit of 10MB"

      C'mon, surely this is a golden opportunity to self-host, and you can dictate your own size limits?

      1. Camilla Smythe Silver badge

        Re: :-( My Mail Server....

        self-host

        I do. Unfortunately my Raspberry Pi only has a 16GB micro SD which would likely wear out before I do.

        Still... I suppose it's a solution to my tennis elbow.

        Not sure what Mrs May is going to do,

        https://email.number10.gov.uk/

        AsciiPron with a 1000 character limit?

        1. Flywheel Silver badge

          Re: :-( My Mail Server....

          @camilla Smythe

          my Raspberry Pi only has a 16GB micro SD which would likely wear out before I do

          FWIW I ran a low-ish traffic mail server on a Pi 3 with a 32Gb card for over a year. The advantage (I've found) with using a large card is that it seems to wear out a lot slower, so based on, say 5Gb actual usage, I found 32Gb to be very reliable. If you can get a 64Gb card then that would be better. As always, regular backups are the answer and rpi-clone is a great solution.

          1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

            Re: Getting flash to last a decade

            Over-provisioning is effective, but there are two other tricks that I find work. Flash is made by Samsung, Intel/Micron and Toshiba. Buy from one of them as directly as you can. Buy from someone that specialises in electronics. Anywhere else will be sold under-provisioned second hand fakes because they lack the skills to identify what they buy.

    2. Velv Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: :-( My Mail Server....

      Per email size limits was always an issue back in the day.

      Plenty FTPMail sites let you download files like patches, I think Microsoft even had one. It's one of the reason split ZIPs, RARs and other file splitting tools flourished, sending multiple emails per file. (HJSplit still seems popular in some NewsGroups)

  7. Rich 11 Silver badge

    Respect mah authoriteh!

    The idea is a two-fingered salute to the government's decision

    Surely that should be a full-fisted salute?

    No? Just me, then. (Oops.)

  8. Roger B

    Probably mentioned already but

    when I moved into my new pace and signed up with BT I am sure there was a question about who would be using the broadband connection and did I want filters, I said no thanks, but why are we not just having parents take some responsibility for their kids and having the functions blocked by ISPs. If your kid is accessing porn on a device you are paying for then its your responsibility as a parent to enforce that. Also, having MindGeek sell the passes and also control 90% of the internet porn industry seems to be a conflict of interest? Or at the least a chance for them to double sell their product.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Re: Probably mentioned already but

      Smoothwall/pfSense with Shalla's blacklist and added pr0n as a blocked content.

      Bliss. Except for when the pr0n peddlers will start to use other ways and means to peddle their wares... *cough*

      1. katrinab Silver badge

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        But when the likes of the Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre gets blocked as a porn site, then there is a problem. If a child wants to visit a site like that, you definitely don't want to stop them.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Probably mentioned already but

      "Also, having MindGeek sell the passes and also control 90% of the internet porn industry seems to be a conflict of interest?"

      One of the weekend online newspapers was making much of the idea that you will present identification to a local shop who will have a franchise to sell you an id token.

      Presumably that identity will be stored in a central database in case an under-18 is caught using a token theoretically purchased by an adult.

      1. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        The shop bought token is from a company named AV Secure and doesn't require ID if you're obviously an old fogey. Same rules as vodka. The measure to inhibit you giving the token to a kid is that the law considers that to be child abuse or something similar, so you wouldn't dare.

      2. Roger B

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        If I go into my local newsagent on Saturday to purchase my porn pass and it is staffed by the local school kids, are they allowed to serve me? am I breaking child porn law by asking them to supply me with a pass? Will I have to only go in on specific days? Will verified sellers perhaps wear a badge so I can ask them to supply me with a pass? Maybe we'll be offered a choice, a porn pass, or go over the road to the local chemist for a chemical fix? maybe directed next door to the DIY shop to buy tools for an amputation? The UK is already laughed at by everyone else, now this? What a joke we have become.

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          You can't have a chemical fix, remember? Remember the law which banned all psychoactive substances except food, alcohol, baccy, and coffee? That was Mayhem's work.

        2. Mycho Silver badge

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          If I go into my local newsagent on Saturday to purchase my porn pass and it is staffed by the local school kids, are they allowed to serve me?

          No, same as they can't sell you tobacco. Age limited products must be sold by and to someone of sufficient age.

          This is why sometimes if you buy booze in the supermarket the checkout assistant will call out to the next till, hold up the bottle and wait for a nod. That's the clue that you're being served by someone under 18. The over-18 staff member on the next till has to authorise the sale.

          1. Fred Dibnah

            Re: Probably mentioned already but

            Look forward to when the assistant rings for the supervisor, calling out "Porn permit for aisle 6"

    3. iron Silver badge

      Re: Probably mentioned already but

      "parents take some responsibility for their kids"

      Hahahahahahahaha. You must be joking, modern parents won't even stop their evil progeny running all over the supermarket screaming. When I was a kid my mother would have smacked me and locked me in the car for the behaviour I see in supermarkets and shopping malls.

      1. Roger B

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        I know I know, it just pisses me off that modern parents can't be arsed to actually be parents and because of that everyone else has to pay the price.

      2. Simon Harris Silver badge

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        "When I was a kid my mother would have smacked me and locked me in the car for the behaviour I see in supermarkets and shopping malls."

        My mother always threatened that if I misbehaved she'd 'pull my pants down and smack my bottom... even if we were in the middle of the shop'. (that was the early 1970s when that sort of thing was still allowed!)

        1. Commswonk Silver badge

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          @ Simon Harris: My mother always threatened that if I misbehaved she'd 'pull my pants down and smack my bottom... even if we were in the middle of the shop'. (that was the early 1970s when that sort of thing was still allowed!)

          Can you please assure us that you were under (say) 5 at the time and not rather older?

          1. Simon Harris Silver badge
            Angel

            Re: Probably mentioned already but

            Rest assured I was around that age.

            However, I am slightly worried for my safety given that some members of the forum have given a thumbs up for my public spanking!

            Of course I never did anything to merit a spanking -------------->

          2. Teiwaz Silver badge

            Re: Probably mentioned already but

            @ Simon Harris: My mother always threatened that if I misbehaved she'd 'pull my pants down and smack my bottom... even if we were in the middle of the shop'. (that was the early 1970s when that sort of thing was still allowed!)

            Can you please assure us that you were under (say) 5 at the time and not rather older?

            And if you were good, did you get 'bitty'?

        2. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          ...she'd 'pull my pants down and smack my bottom... even if we were in the middle of the shop'...

          If I ask her...?

      3. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        You'd be arrested for locking them in the car.

        You could get into trouble for smacking them.

        And if you live in Maryland...

        Parents in trouble again for letting kids walk alone - USA TODAY

        1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          Parents in trouble again for letting kids walk alone - USA TODAY

          That is not just Maryland. You are pretty much guaranteed the same in the UK.

          There was a similar idiocy at my daughter's school.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Probably mentioned already but

            What? Can't kids play outside anymore? When I was 6 we walked to school on our own, the whole neighborhood did, it was maybe half a mile.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Probably mentioned already but

              Too many molestation murders where the killer was never ID'd, let alone caught. And often, there were hints the creep wouldn't take NO for an answer.

              1. Mycho Silver badge

                Re: Probably mentioned already but

                And as usual people pay attention to the newspaper-worthy murders and ignore the raft of child deaths from playing at home. Children are actually safer outdoors than kept at home, as well as healthier. Lots of knives in most houses, not to mention kitchens that haven't been disinfected since the last time pork was handled in there.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Probably mentioned already but

                  "Children are actually safer outdoors than kept at home, as well as healthier."

                  Can you prove that, given all the fall potentials, animal incidents, vehicle impacts, and so on that can occur outdoors?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Probably mentioned already but...There was a similar idiocy at my daughter's school.

            I am surprised, as both here and at the two schools in London where I have grandchildren, this has not been an issue. Plenty of children walk to school unaccompanied by adults.

            The sour joke is that Council obsession with pseudo-safeguarding at one school meant that children under 10 had to be met by a responsible adult at the classroom, but absolutely no watch was kept on the actual school gate, which meant that your friendly local paedophiles and drug sellers could be within a few metres of it unobserved behind trees. At the far more sensible school on the other side of London, the kids can mill around the playground at exit time all they like, but there's a staff member on the gate who keeps an eye on the road, which is far more effective.

            The point here is that when it comes to child safety some people have no clue and make rules, and some people have a clue and make much more sensible rules. You just don't know which you are going to get, but in May's case I get the impression that if it's possible to get the former, you will.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        I think we live in a different universe. I mean, I attend almost all supermarkets in the area, I'd say about... 5 - 8 in total (south-west London), and I don't remember any case of "progeny running all over the supermarket screaming". Sure, there are odd cases of 10-year olds wheeled in a trolley by their mums and dads, but generally... I don't remember excessive behaviour like that, ever. And, certainly, for the last 10 years I've paid more attention to all kinds of evil progeny, given I have two of my own. So, while I share the sentiment, I don't share the realities.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Probably mentioned already but

          "I mean, I attend almost all supermarkets in the area, [...]"

          A neighbour complained that a couple of 3 year olds were always running wild in the church and their parents did nothing to stop them.

      5. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Probably mentioned already but

        "You must be joking, modern parents won't even stop their evil progeny running all over the supermarket screaming."

        Because if the parents stepped in, the scream would probably turn to "STRANGER! STRANGER!" and start raising alarm bells.

        And the threat of spanking was countered with a threat of stomped feet---with hardened leather soles. I recall one mother ended up in the hospital with a broken foot from such an escalation.

        Moral: It's not just the law parents fear but also the idea kids may be smart enough and bold enough to retaliate.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Finally....

    ...a use for video in PDF's

  10. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Any other subject will result in pornography (or lolcats).

    The BOFH in me will most probably put a sniffer on the outgoing email queue to detect such a request, then mangle the contents of said email, so the senderBossly Unit will get lolcats all the time.

  11. JimmyPage Silver badge
    Stop

    Are premium rate lines still not blocked by default ?

    If so, this is just a load of grandstanding ....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Are premium rate lines still not blocked by default ?

      Ministers probably have a seat on the board of companies that benefit financially from those facilities.

  12. Kaltern

    Finally.. a use for FIDOnet... I can't wait for my daily polling for porn...

  13. Simon Harris Silver badge

    Can we have porn by SMS next...

    With your favorite adult entertainment stars rendered as 160 characters of ASCII art?

    1. Velv Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Can we have porn by SMS next...

      There are readers of this column too young to know what SMS is, let alone Kinda NSFW ASCII Art

      1. Commswonk Silver badge

        Re: Can we have porn by SMS next...

        Ahh... ASCII Art. I have behind me an ASCII Art picture of the (then) Post Office Tower in London, printed off by a teleprinter. As readers may or may not be able to imagine the tape that generated it was rather long... the image itself is over 2' high, and was done on a Sagem teleprinter back in the late 60s or early 70s.

        Correction; it isn't ASCII Art; that uses the 7 - bit ITA No 5; this was done with the 5 - bit ITA No 2 running at 50 Bauds. It was not a quick job.

        <sigh>

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Can we have porn by SMS next...

      "[...] rendered as 160 characters of ASCII art?"

      You can be economically suggestive with 8 and == and > and ( ) and * and ( )

      It's all in a prurient mind - and the beam in their eye.

    3. onefang Silver badge

      Re: Can we have porn by SMS next...

      Reminds me of when I first got a mobile phone that could handle MMS, I took one look at the maximum image size and joked "So it's almost big enough for half a nipple then."

  14. Chozo
    Gimp

    Web-dwellers who don't use Tor...

    Web-dwellers who don't use Tor...soon will. There in lies the eye opening rub of the matter, can the TOR network cope with the influx? A quick check at time of writing reveals only 877 exit nodes and perhaps more worrying, lets be honest here TOR is not a place I would suggest anybody should go looking for pr0n.

  15. Herring` Silver badge

    It does raise a question. I haven't read the legislation, but does it specifically refer to "web sites"? And what definition of "web site" is it using? Surely pretty easy to develop a protocol functionally equivalent to HTTP (HTSP?) and a "browser" that implements it - no laws broken.

  16. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    One in the bush is worth two in the hand

    I took a gamble on a used 500GB USB drive for a fiver at the car boot sale last week and to my joy discovered it was packed full of downloaded porn. Bargain.

    I expect efforts to make porn harder to access will mean a boost to 'specialist DVDs' becoming more widely available at markets and even on the high street and we'll be able to go back to dumping what we no longer need under a local bush for other lucky recipients to find.

    I am sure 'the good stuff' will find a way to avoid any brexit customs regime just as unpaid-duty tobacco did.

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      Re: One in the bush is worth two in the hand

      "dumping what we no longer need under a local bush for other lucky recipients to find."

      Will images on dumped media have to be passed through a 'soggy paper' filter to give them the authentic 'found in a bush' character.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: One in the bush is worth two in the hand

      "[...] and to my joy discovered it was packed full of downloaded porn."

      A local charity shop seals second-hand DVD cases with a sticky label - presumably to stop people pinching the disk. Every so often the contents are an unexpected DVD-R with no label. As it is assumed the dumb DVD player can't get a virus - it is considered safe to play them. So far they have usually been an esoteric horror/scifi film in a foreign language.

    3. lleres

      Re: One in the bush is worth two in the hand

      What's a DVD?

    4. Mr Dogshit

      Re: One in the bush is worth two in the hand

      "dumping what we no longer need under a local bush for other lucky recipients to find."

      So it was you doing that back in the day?

  17. Milton Silver badge

    The usual astounding stupidity from the usual Westminster idiots

    The combination of self-righteous hypocrisy, "christian" morals (i.e. telling other people what is "right" and "wrong"), technological illiteracy and dumbfounding arrogance yet again saddles the country with laws that are not only repressive and unnecessary but will, of course, be totally ineffectual.

    Does anyone really believe that horny teenagers will not get their hormone-drenched eyeballs on porn if they want to. If it was possible using various subterfuges in the 1970s, why does anybody but a moron imagine that it isn't possible now?

    Notwithstanding Tor and various other workarounds like the one in the article, the availability of dirt cheap mass storage renders this law utterly pointless—and arguably counterpoductive.

    If porn is online, then at worst it gets downloaded onto your hard drive, and often it isn't even downloaded at all. I doubt that many people bother to make copies for lending to mates ... why bother?

    If porn starts to circulate again on things llike Blu-Rays and μSD cards at 30Gb+ (half a dozen full length hi-def moves; tens of thousands of hi-res pictures) then many will eventually go astray, get copied repeatedly, end up absolutely anywhere and on trains, buses and automobiles ... potentially making it much more likely that porn of absolutely any kind will end up in the hands of absolutely anyone.

    So yet again we have a classic example of Westminster's ignorant, ill-informed self-righteous hypocrite brigade making laws which will actually make a perceived problem much worse.

    Should be the Tory Party motto: Stupid is as stupid does.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The usual astounding stupidity from the usual Westminster idiots

      "Should be the Tory Party motto: Stupid is as stupid does."

      Labour are equally affected by the Home Office miasma. It was Labour Home Secretary David Blunkett who proposed random checks on anyone's PCs. He made a quote something like "Innocent people have nothing to fear from an investigation by the police".

      He lost that ministerial post in 2004 after personal scandals: his nanny's visa; and an extra-marital affair where he showed no compassion in revealing the identity of his previously unknown son.

      Followed in 2005 with another ministerial resignation for failing to declare a directorship.

    2. Kreton

      Re: The usual astounding stupidity from the usual Westminster idiots

      Perhaps I am being a bit thick but presumably I can visit n different retailers and buy n different passes then sell them to the under age for £15 and make a decent profit or is there something to stop me doing this?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The usual astounding stupidity from the usual Westminster idiots

        "[...] presumably I can visit n different retailers and buy n different passes then sell them to the under age for £15 [...]"

        I wouldn't be surprised if the retailer will have to log your supplied ID in a central data base. Not everyone has a centrally verifiable passport or driving licence. Probably nothing to stop someone providing convincing utility bills printed on their home ink jet. An over-18 looking school kid could just present their parents' utility bills. School playgrounds have always been the marketplace for such transactions by budding entrepreneurs.

  18. NanoMeter

    Emule!

    Else there's always Emule for the P2P pr0n fans.

  19. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    I can imagine some enterprising entrepreneur will amass a collection of memory sticks, and stick a couple of pr0nz on these (outside the borders of Blighty) then smugglebring them all in under the noses of customs, then distribute on a royalty basis (like the old DVD/Video superstores of old).

    With occasional trips to outside Blighty to get updated content in to keep frequent clients happy and paying for the privilege.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      That possibly happens already. What is legal in other EU countries is not necessarily legal in the UK - even if Amazon.co.uk sell it to you.

      UK Customs have a history of prosecuting/confiscating imports of "pr0n" publications that were already on sale at W H Smith.

  20. William Towle
    Coat

    "Users don't need to supply any personally identifiable information to sign up"

    *wonders how the content gets back to the person who requested it*

    1. Herring` Silver badge

      Re: "Users don't need to supply any personally identifiable information to sign up"

      *wonders how the content gets back to the person who requested it*

      Pro tip: you don't have to use your real name when creating an email account.

      1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

        Re: "Users don't need to supply any personally identifiable information to sign up"

        Using a fake name breaks the terms of service for. That means you are accessing a computer without authorisation and will be sent to prison for hacking. Watch out - the police will be calling on you soon Mr Herring.

  21. veti Silver badge

    "... they can't be ordered to block emails"

    Wanna bet?

  22. Laughing Gravy

    Not quite a bush

    I wonder if the abandoned fridge on waste ground outside the village is till there? Busier than the local library and better stocked.

  23. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Back to the futures

    Type in listings and Uudecode.

    1. onefang Silver badge

      Re: Back to the futures

      "Type in listings and Uudecode."

      I'm not sure if the typing or the post typing activity will result in more RSI.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "The controversial measures, ostensibly brought in to stop kids stumbling across porn while doing their homework, have been derided as an example of the nanny state and a threat to freedoms of expression."

    Its also another example of kneejerk policy without a clue.

    Youtube is a major source of unsavoury stuff that my kids keep finding, and I'm not talking about just p0rn. The supposed 'parental' filters just don't work, as they require a 'user' to be logged in - but unfortunately there is no way on the iPad that the kids tend to use to ensure that an appropriate g00gle username is always logged in. They also tend not to filter out stuff which are just American teenagers doing and filmind things that I really don't want my kids watching, which is mostly what my kids end up watching.

    The only solution seems to be to block youtube entirely, which obviously blocks all of the good content that they should be allowed access to.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "The only solution seems to be to block youtube entirely, [...]"

      In my casual experience both Tumblr and Flickr publicly visible accounts can unexpectedly host pr0n. Presumably they count as the "social media" that the government is not going to block.

  25. Mr Dogshit

    PaaS

    Porno-as-a-Service

  26. 89724105618749278590284I9405670349743096734346773478647852349863592355648544996313855148583659264921

    Correlated rise in violent crime?

    F*ck knows what'll happen if smut is unobtainable by thugs.

  27. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Its the school nerd's lucky day

    Scene: a playground

    Bully #1 : I'm bored... lets go kick the snot out of timmy the nerd

    Bully #2 : No way you touching him... he knows howto setup a tor node and a VPN to bypass the great british smut filter

    Bully #1 : Great!.... no more stealing my dad's credit card

    Bully #2: Hey nerd... set #1 up with a VPN

    Nerd: Sure thing.. thats a weeks pocket money ..

    Bully #1: Heres £25 quid..

    More seriously, this is a dry run... a setup with "think of the children" plastered all over it to make sure it works.... and then the mission creep starts..... age IDs for accessing on-line games stores such as Steam etc.... then no more accessing Russia today.. or Times of India.... or Al-jazzera(apologies for spelling)

    Until finally we're left with a santised approved internet free of trolls,hate speech and annoying truths.

    While everyone gets their smut via IRC and FTP sites.............

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Smut and growing up

    OK,

    How many red-blooded males on this forum have not searched out porn? Either as has been mentioned previously and enjoyed by this commentard - Wank mags found in bushes or the delectation of r/gonewild30plus etc. It's part of growing up and a (continuing) fascination with the fairer sex or whatever floats your boat.

    Maybe if the govt want to curtail access to porn, maybe Mrs. May should step up to the mark, get her tits out and flash a bit of vag just to make sure it's all under government control....(slight reference to Derek and Clive there) - May be a great way of mass birth control in the under 80's....Mmmm....Maybe Boris in his underpants on his head to get the girls going, Farage in a tutu to get our gay colleagues intrigued, Cameron behind a pig with a leather Village People hat pleasing a pig for the slightly alternative communities...And Mo Mowlam with a feather duster and a bottle of Mazola jilling off perched on the corner of a washing machine for our lesbian colleagues....for anyone with an open mind...

    I think I need a wank.... :)

    I think there are more important things for our leaders to spend their time on that are more pressing for the welfare of the country.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's time someone brought out a new magazine.

    They it could call it Perrys or Club Perry. To immortalise Claire.

    Like they did for Mary Whitehouse.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It's time someone brought out a new magazine.

      Ah, Claire.

      Just remember children, nanny knows best.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It's time someone brought out a new magazine.

      It could feature Teresa May ;)

  30. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

    A few months ago I felt the embarrassment equivalent to buying a porn pass at a newsagent.

    I wanted to fill my rugby boots with newspaper so they would dry out between matches. I went to my local newsagent and (stupidly) said "What's your cheapest paper? I want to fill my boots".

    I got a very dirty look and the bloke behind the counter suggested the Star.

    ( Fortunately I realised my mistake before I left )

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