back to article Can't log into your TSB account? Well, it's your own fault for trying

I am a time-waster. And I hate people who waste my time. This means I know what I'm hating – have fun, all you amateur psychologists out there. I don't want to dither about but at least it's my own time I'm wasting. I am a procrastinator. That's not really the same as a time-waster, is it? Perhaps you could spend a few minutes …

  1. Warm Braw Silver badge

    We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

    At least that's a problem that will solve itself...

    1. djstardust Silver badge

      Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

      Certainly will judging by the people I talked to in the large queue at my local TSB yesterday.

      The pensioners seemed happy enough but everyone else was plainly pissed off.

      1. d3vy Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        "Certainly will judging by the people I talked to in the large queue at my local TSB yesterday."

        I found it really odd, I was in a branch yesterday and there were only two other people there - one withdrawing large amounts of £50s and the other not even aware of what was going on but panicking because he had fallen for a phishing scam (Honestly, he was quite young and its 2018 - who honestly things that HMRC are issuing tax rebates via email?)

        Anyway he was panicking saying that they were "going to empty my account" because he gave them his card details.

        I *definitely* heard the guy serving me mutter "Good luck with that" - Highlight of the day.

        On the plus side, Ive managed to get enough money from my business account into my personal account to pay the mortgage! Even if it did mean ten minutes for small talk with the teller while we waited for it to go through!

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        "The pensioners seemed happy enough"

        Huh? This is one who wouldn't have been.

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

          "The pensioners seemed happy enough"

          Huh? This is one who wouldn't have been.

          Probably the ones from the old folks home who only get to go out once or twice a month on the bus and know that the drive will get pissed if they make him wait more than 10 minutes. . But in this case, they actually got to stand around and talk to other people. Hopefully, the bus driver was in line with them.

      3. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        "The pensioners seemed happy enough but everyone else was plainly pissed off."

        I am a pensioner and we were fortunate to be first in the queue to open an account at the Nationwide today because by the time we left there was quite a queue.

        What made me finally flip? The announcement of the job of Head of Infrastructure. It's a bit like Ford advertising the job of Factory Manager, or Tesco advertising the post of Head of Logistics. It points to a level of cluelessness in Spain that makes the Armada look like a well run project. And the chance of that altering in a reasonable timescale?

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

          first in the queue to open an account at the Nationwide today because by the time we left there was quite a queue

          I'll bet that Nationwide[1], as the last of the great Building Societies, are laughing all the way to the cash-tills..

          [1] Of which I'm a member, having had an account since about 1987. Which was about when I started getting utterly disillusioned by banks, having been royally shafted by them as a student. And I've used the Natwe as my only banking facility since (other than saving accounts at various other building societies).

      4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        "The pensioners seemed happy enough"

        Probably because they were first introduced to saving and banks through the school "bank", which I believe was run by the TSB across much or most of the country which then converted into a proper TSB account on reaching 16(?). They've probably never changed banks since then.

    2. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

      What really boils my p*** is when I hear the phrase "unusually high call volumes" being used as an excuse - *every time* that I try to get through to the call centre. Look, I've tried calling every day for nearly a fortnight at different times of the day and night, and always get the same message. The call volumes aren't unusually high, it's just that the call centre is under-staffed and/or under-skilled to be able to deal with them.

      When I finally get through and am greeted by an enquiry as to what my call is about..."well I started trying to get in touch with you with a query about my account, but now my call is actually about closing that account so I can take my business elsewhere".

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        "unusually high call volumes"

        The fact that they thought it worth preparing a recording of that phrase tells you all you need to know about their call centre planning.

        1. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

          That and the fact that some companies' call volumes are apparently always "unusually high". Which makes them no higher than usual.

        2. rskurat

          Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

          no, the planning is as required my management. So is the lying.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        The call volumes aren't unusually high, it's just that the call centre is under-staffed

        This.

        It seems that no-one in the many consumer-facing industries have heard of the phrase "capacity management" (which doesn't just apply to IT - it also covers the squishy meatbags of mostly water).

        Or rather, they have heard about it. And realised that implementing a proper system would require money and *gasp* might result in some of their minimum-wage phone answerers not being 100% busy. And, in an MBA world, we can't have inefficiencies like that! Why, it'll reduce the management bonuses and, if some $MORE_SENIOR manager should happen to see one of the $LOWER_MANAGERs staff sitting idle might question their skills, parentage and budget!

        Sadly, it's no use getting angry with the poor saps that have to answer the phone - they don't make policy or set budgets. And you can bet that the ones who do the policy and budget stuff are not readily available to be talked at.

    3. macjules Silver badge

      Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

      But apparently only 50% of customers are having a bad experience.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

      In the depths of time, a major compute manufacturer launched a new platform, and I was working in the newly set up support operation, taking the phone calls of disgruntled customers (experienced people taking the first call, it didn't last) who were having the inevitable teething problems of a completely new system.

      Unsurprisingly, there were times when there were more customers with problems than there were people to take the calls, so to limit the waiting times, an overflow answer phone was installed to allow people to request a call back rather than waiting.

      The message on the phone went something like this.

      "Due the unprecedented success of <major platform name>, we are experiencing high volumes of calls. Please leave you details and a brief description of your issue, and we will call you back"

      Remember that this was a support centre, and the only reason customers were calling was because of problems.

      Success? We laughed...

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: We are currently experiencing large volumes of customers

        whilst not a national building society, the Cumberland is a decent one that has done us fine over the years. One things that does work is their customer service. Each branch has a manager that gets things sorted and do actually call you back or keep appointments.

  2. Dr_N Silver badge

    French Cinema

    Does Mrs Dabbs not make you watch French films?

    Or (the most annoying film watching experience) American or British films dubbed into French?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: French Cinema

      "Or (the most annoying film watching experience) American or British films dubbed into French?"

      Any film dubbed into another language is often annoying - the lip sync is often nowhere near right. IIRC "Battle of Britain" (1969) was unusual for having all the German and Polish dialogue subtitled. Not sure if a German release of that film subtitles the English dialogue.

      1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
        Meh

        Re: French Cinema

        > Not sure if a German release of that film subtitles the English dialogue.

        Almost certainly every single word is dubbed. It's a German thing, certainly does not help to get people used to what other languages sound like.

        In one tear inducing moment a German man in his thirties asked me whether a lady speaking French was speaking ... English.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: French Cinema

          > Not sure if a German release of that film subtitles the English dialogue.

          Don't subtitle the war! I subtitled it once, but I think I got away with it.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: French Cinema

            I'm suddenly reminded of my childhood watching "Monkey" which was a Japanese version of a Chinese story dubbed into English.

            I don't recall finding it annoying, indeed if it had been left entirely in Japanese it would be been entirely baffling.

            It has the catchiest theme tune ever and anyone reading the above will suddenly have fragments of it coming into their head, forcing a youtube frenzy to find it.

            Ha, Chipitaka

            1. Dr_N Silver badge

              Re: French Cinema

              ♪♫♬Born from an egg on a mountain top ... ♬♪

              1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
                Childcatcher

                Re: French Cinema

                You swine Pigsy, now I have that in my head for the whole weekend.

            2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

              Re: French Cinema

              Ah Monkey! That was brilliant. I tried to track it down a few years ago, and was rather disappointed to see that they'd only dubbed the first series into english, so you couldn't watch it all done by the same people.

              About ten years ago I bought the brilliant digitally re-mastered version of Das Boot. There was some awful dubbing in that, as I think the film version was dubbed whereas the TV mini-series used subtitles. Very unusual project that they shot a 3 hour film simultaneously with a 6 hour mini-series.

              Only the main actors had done English dialogue. So they went back to all the other original German actors and got them to re-voice themselves.

              So you can now watch it in German with subtitles, or in English but with the original actors doing it so it's actually good.

              One of the Amazon reviews complained that in english, the voices don't synch with the lips. What you want them to re-shoot the entire 6 hours, as well as re-doing the soundtrack!?!?

              1. Another Brick

                Re: French Cinema

                Surely dubbed TV adaptations can't be discussed without mentioning The Flashing Blade !

            3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: French Cinema

              "if it had been left entirely in Japanese it would be been entirely baffling."

              My kids watched it. From what I recall how exactly would leaving it entirely in Japanese have been any different?

            4. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: French Cinema

              Speaking of confusion, I vaguely remembered "Monkey" featuring what I thought was a girl, and my Dad later telling me it was actually a boy monk.

              Which I found out later still *was* (quite obviously) played by a girl anyway.

              Er... okay.

            5. Paul Crawford Silver badge

              Re: French Cinema

              Around the same time as 'Monkey' was The Water Margin, another triumph of poor (or impossible) translations.

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Re: French Cinema

                "Around the same time as 'Monkey' was The Water Margin, another triumph of poor (or impossible) translations."

                Better yet was The Magic Roundabout. No lip-sync issue, but they didn't even bother translating it. They just made up new English language stories to match what was going on in the video.

                1. Alan Brown Silver badge

                  Re: French Cinema

                  "They just made up new English language stories to match what was going on in the video."

                  In my part of the world, the childrens' programmers clearly didn't know what to do, so they played the french soundtrack at low volume underneath the english one.

                  Then again this is the same bunch of muppets who must've just glanced at the intro to Sapphire and Steel, decided "kids cartoons" and put it on at 4:30pm on a weekday. It scared the shit out of a generation of young children.

              2. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
                Headmaster

                Re: French Cinema

                The Water Margin was much earlier mid 70's latest, Monkey was 1979, I remember it as I had just left school.

            6. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
              Thumb Up

              Re: French Cinema

              @AC

              "Monkey"

              BBC2 @ 1800...

              Also Harold Lloyd and Laurel & Hardy were on the same slot...

            7. Alan Brown Silver badge

              Re: French Cinema

              "which was a Japanese version of a Chinese story dubbed into English."

              Where every cast member was a japanese pop star and the boy priest central to the story... wasn't.

    2. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Re: French Cinema

      There's something about having visuals and dialog out of sync with each other that I find very annoying. I'd much rather have subtitles.

    3. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: French Cinema

      "Or (the most annoying film watching experience) American or British films dubbed into French?"

      Annoying? I thoroughly enjoyed watching Saving Private Ryan dubbed into French with English and Dutch subtitles. (But I never offered to take my father to watch it in case he created a disturbance and started throwing things at the screen.)

  3. d3vy Silver badge

    Well, thats 10 minutes of my life I'm not getting back!

    I always find that a strange expression as I am yet to retrieve ANY time from my past regardless of what I was doing.

  4. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    Dabsy, you are awesome! =-D

    As soon as that last video began to play I was forced to crank up my speakers until the knob broke off so I could air guitar like a freak. They exploded & caught fire, I had to spray them with extinguishing foam, & now my computer corner looks like a bright pink merrangue pie.

    I consider this a great weekend already & it's barely started! THANK YOU! =-D

    1. Joe Werner
      Mushroom

      Re: Dabsy, you are awesome! =-D

      ... and that's 9 minutes and a set of expensive speakers you are not getting back .... ;p

      I'm at work in a new job, so I avoid the loud-music-and-air-guitar-combo (for now)....

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dabsy, you are awesome! =-D

      > As soon as that last video began to play I was forced to crank up my speakers until the knob broke off so I could air guitar like a freak.

      @ Shadow Systems

      At least you were spared the site of Page's lips attempting to launch themselves into space in search of a missing harmonica that one of the roadies had cruelly removed without telling him...

  5. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Stop

    Arrrgh!

    I recently wasted 15 minutes watching a sci-fi movie called Arrowhead. (2016) I honestly thought that they had stopped making such crap in the 80s. It should have gone straight to VHS tape and only be shown in Alaska!

    https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3013160

    P.S. It's so bad they changed the name to Alien Arrival

    1. David 18

      Re: Arrrgh!

      "I recently wasted 15 minutes watching a sci-fi movie called Arrowhead. (2016) I honestly thought that they had stopped making such crap in the 80s. It should have gone straight to VHS tape and only be shown in Alaska!"

      Nooo, they are still churning them out 10 a penny, you can find them on SciFi Channel, I occasionally get duped by the synopses if I have a rare couple of hours to kill at the weekend and get drawn in. Often they are so bad it's funny, so i watch the whole thing.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Arrrgh!

      According to Wikipedia, it's an Australian production and the budget was $180,000, which is probably less than the dental floss bill for the latest Avengers film.

      What did Alaska do to deserve it anyway? Apart from Sarah Palin, that is.

      On second thoughts... yeah, fair enough.

  6. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

    Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

    Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, "Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time".

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

      And now it's time for the penguin in your computer to explode.

      1. Ben Bonsall

        Re: Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

        I still have the CD for that, I once spent a few days trying to convert it to run on win 95. That was a waste of time too.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

          I havn't checked to see if it still exists, but there used to be a web page for a "Big Red Button" that literally did nothing at all when pressed...

          1. Dave559 Bronze badge

            Big Red Button

            Are you absolutely sure that the Big Red Button did nothing at all?

            It's a very big universe out there...

          2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Joke

            Re: Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

            "I havn't checked to see if it still exists, but there used to be a web page for a "Big Red Button" that literally did nothing at all when pressed..."

            Every time you press, somewhere, a computer dies. You bastard!

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time.

      I still have that somewhere... loved the mechanical typewriter sound effect.

      A friend borrowed it once and installed ALL the sound effects on his company laptop. Whatever you did, using whatever software, it would make a sound. A couple of days after, his boss borrowed the laptop (because the boss' laptop was on the fritz) to do a presentation for some customers. A somewhat mixed reaction... it probably would have went better if he had thought of just turning the sound off (this was so long ago, laptops still had an actual dial/knob to turn).

  7. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Films that send you to sleep

    Not to worry, she's experienced worse. Her idea of the ultimate life-wasting movie is Steven Spielberg's Close Encounters of the Third Kind, an opinion that I like to point out to her is tainted by her admission that she fell asleep in the cinema

    If you want to fall asleep watching a film, then may I humbly suggest 'On Golden Pond'. Five times I've started to watch it only for fall asleep after 20-30 minutes.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Films that send you to sleep

      Myra Breckinridge is dull enough for sleep, for an alleged comedy even for the weirdness in Hollywood that was 1970 it was pushing the envelope.

      What stopped me from falling asleep and then walking out was the feeling of wanting to stalk and assassinate the cast even looking at Raquel Welch didn't alleviate the feeling.

      Worst bloody film ever! ( along with quite a few others)

  8. Bill M

    Procrastination

    There was no procrastination in my reading the article as soon as I saw it. Shame it was drivel.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Procrastination

      Pass on my regards to your Mum!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Procrastination

        That was 20 seconds of her life that she wasn't getting back.

  9. Franco Silver badge

    I wonder what all these people visiting bank branches are doing, I've had to go in about 2 times in five years. Once to my personal bank to pay in a cheque (the counter assistant was desperate to show me how I could do it at an ATM, till I pointed out that there is no chance I'll remember how to do it the next time I get a cheque in another 5 years) and once to my business bank to collect a new debit card as the first replacement was lost in the mail.

    Anyway, if you want to see a truly bad film, watch Torque. As someone had the bright idea to take all the originality out of Point Break (not that there was a huge amount although it's an entertaining enough film) and remake it with cars as The Fast and The Furious, a second someone had the bright idea to remove even the vague semblance of plot in TFATF and remake it with motorcycles

  10. ArrZarr Silver badge
    Coat

    Curse you, Dabbsy

    You have left me in a conundrum of terrifying inversiveness as the pressure is on to make this negative comment funny. Normally I'd just crank out some Pratchett or Adams reference based upon the article but given your challenge this feels insufficiently inventive for your challenge, as does my usual lazy sarcasm.

    Given your usual subject material, there's the old cliché of being unable to perform under pressure but I'm as uncertain as if there were an excitable dog in a paddling pool of disembodied breasts looking at me in that particular way dogs have that lets you know that they don't like you whether that's even sufficient.

    But writing this comment is definitely ten minutes of my life that I will never get back.

    1. Justin Case

      Re: Curse you, Dabbsy

      >>a paddling pool of disembodied breasts looking at me

      Yikes - that's all. Yikes!

  11. Dan 55 Silver badge

    By trying to access your account, you are making it harder for yourself to access your account

    However you are making it easier for everyone else. As the caching server is a feeling a bit peaky, if it ever gets as far as reading your financial information from the back end, it'll randomly distribute it to everyone else trying to log in.

    Genius.

  12. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
    Happy

    Last Year at Marienbad...

    the description of the film (I have not seen it) suggests Herr and Frau Dabbs might also like Buñuel's The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.

    For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

      For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers.

      For full acerebral mode, there's The Sex Lives of the Potato Men.

      Only the knowledge that it was a tax scam prevents me from thinking the entire human race should be eradicated immediately.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

        "The Sex Lives of the Potato Men."

        Gave a whole new meaning to the name "Mr. Potato Head".

        (No, not really. Saw five or ten minutes of it and it wasn't even charmingly bad, just dismal.)

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

      "For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers."

      Let me get this right.

      Are these lesbians who for some reason kill vampires or people who slay vampire lesbians or lesbian vampires who kill people?

      Inquiring minds etc.

      Ah! Also a linky please?

      1. Jonathan Richards 1

        @Chris G

        ... who requested a linky.

        Try this: Lesbian Vampire Killers

        What, you don't want any combination of lesbian, vampire and killers in your search history??

        1. Chris G Silver badge

          Re: @Chris G

          @ Johnathan Richards 1

          I didn't for one moment think it was a real film, thanks for the link.

      2. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

        Wiki-clicky: Lesbian Vampire Killers.

        "Critical reception: Reviews of the film were largely negative." I guess critics suffered from a lack of those ------>

        In case Lesbian Vampire Killers is too artsy-intellectual for your taste, search for "Journey into Bliss" by Wenzel Storch.

    3. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

      ... is an absolutely f***ing superb film

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "The breach affected a limited number of customer records..."

    Yes, limited. All of them except one, the CEO Paul David Pester (PDP) because he got his money out early.

    This well-publicized mess undoubtedly has led to the hackers pouncing on TSB with everything they have because they know no one is going to notice.

    Well, not everything they have. No need to do a Denial of Service attack because that one was self-inflicted. As is the Distributed part, their customers making things even slower.

    Or perhaps it's as simple as their upgrade has them running on PDP-11's? Or perhaps a pester has gotten into the code?

  14. Hans 1 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Muse Ik ?

    As for music, Led Zep are solid, but I always thought of this song:

    https://youtu.be/ZFjfa_RB6Pc

    Obviously ...

  15. Excellentsword

    Celebration Day is one of the best gig films of all time. Of all time!

  16. juice Bronze badge

    > Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time. I've used good and bad, well-designed and pants, and plenty of painfully slow stuff – every version of Windows ever released, for example – but none of it has impacted on my longevity.

    Dunno - all that sitting and watching the spinning hourglass isn't good for your health! Nor does it do your blood pressure any good to sit on hold while some poor tele-support person sits and waits for their computer to say No.

    A couple of times in my career, I've reduced response times drastically for some big systems, via simple things like enabling gzip compression on the web-server, stripping down badly written templates or cleaning up badly written javascript.

    In the most recent incident, the offending HTML/JS was sat on the main page of a CRM system in constant use by several hundred call-centre staff. Taking a chainsaw to this shaved several seconds off the load time, which then translated to several FTE per day in terms of time saved - and in the process, it made both staff and customers slightly happier as it had a measurable impact on call duration!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      One of my customers rolled out a new system for the customer Help Line. The first question was "What is your post code". It then took literally several minutes for the system to do the look up.

      In testing on the in-house LAN there hadn't been a problem. Unfortunately the Help Desk was at the end of a 2mbps WAN.

      It transpired that someone had saved money by putting the post code look up database on the server in the data centre - needing only one licence. The thick client PCs therefore had to interrogate it with a large number of iterative requests to get their answer.

  17. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "During the cold spell last month, calls to my gas boiler maintenance insurance hotline (Corgi Homeserve, if you must know) "

    More fool you. Just find a reliable local boiler engineer. Yes there some.

    1. TheProf

      Just find a reliable local boiler engineer.

      And that's easy because they ALL claim to be reliable.

      1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        Re: Just find a reliable local boiler engineer.

        "And that's easy because they ALL claim to be reliable."

        Five minutes on the phone and a check at Companies House and I had a reliable and financially secure local HVAC engineer. It isn't really that hard.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Just find a reliable local boiler engineer. Yes there some.

      And, when they are at your house, working on your boiler, make sure to supply them with plenty of tea/coffee/biccies..

      That way, their phone won't mysteriously fail to answer once they see your number calling them..

      1. Cpt Blue Bear

        "And, when they are at your house, working on your boiler, make sure to supply them with plenty of tea/coffee/biccies.."

        One of the secrets to keeping good reliable trades. The other is always to always ask "is cash OK?" while reaching for your wallet.

  18. Allonymous Coward
    Facepalm

    Hold on a minute!

    When did Situation Publishing get a nice icon in the footer? Have I not been reading far enough down the page in the past?

    Pretty. I like the look of that.

    Well done.

  19. f4ff5e1881
    Coat

    If at first you don't succeed...

    I posted this a few days ago on the same subject, but it got pulled by the Moderator. I really don’t understand why. No profanity, no trolling. Just exceedingly mild satire. Perhaps it hit a nerve somewhere? I’ll give it another go and see what happens!

    Fawlty Server Towers.

    Overheard in the IT control room at TSB server farm, Monday 23rd April 2018, 11:17 BST (of course not, it’s just a bit of fun, okay?):

    Sabadell manager: “We bring sweet food, is nice, you like!”

    TSB techie: “That’s awfully kind of you but we’re a bit busy at the moment.”

    Sabadell manager: “Qué?”

    TSB techie: “We’ll have some of it later?”

    Sabadell manager: “But is nice!”

    TSB techie: “Well, okay then. That’s very generous of you. Look at all the doughnuts. Surely there’s too many doughnuts on those trays?”

    Sabadell manager: “No, no, no. Not ‘on those trays’. Uno dos tres!”

    And TSB lived happily ever after.

  20. cosmogoblin

    That's 2.8 minutes of my life I'll never get back

  21. ITBloke

    Proper time wasting

    Alistair, you need the pub asap.Consider this a prescription.

  22. TheProf
    Pint

    Movie time

    The Adventures of Baron Munchausen was enjoyed? Out of the 3 (the others being CE3K and The Fisher King) I'd have thought that was the least likely to be enjoyed. I like it but that's because I like Gilliam's work. And it has Uma Thurman in it.

    I've just borrowed and watched Aliens, Total Recall and John Carpenter's The Thing. And now I recall why I haven't bought my own copy of these exciting 1980's (loosely speaking) films.

    Perhaps someone could enlighten me as to why a commercial space tug has a 'self-destruct' mechanism? And assuming a logical reason can be made for such a device, why does activating it fill all the corridors leading away from the control room with steam? And how come the escape shuttle won't take 4 people when there were 7 members in the crew?

    1. f4ff5e1881
      Trollface

      Re: Movie time

      I think movie makers everywhere love steam. It’s a surprisingly common phenomena in the movie world. Especially in American street scenes at night. Not that I’m implying that Hollywood is a load of hot air.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Movie time

        "Not that I’m implying that Hollywood is a load of hot air.""

        Cue Marilyn Monroe.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Movie time

        "I think movie makers everywhere love steam. It’s a surprisingly common phenomena in the movie world. Especially in American street scenes at night."

        It makes dressing the set easier and cuts down on the special effects bill, especially when filming in, say, Vancouver and the show is set in, say, Chicago. Darkness and fog/steam hides a multitude of sins.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

  23. Fading Silver badge
    Windows

    To be fair....

    I probably would have wasted those 10 minutes anyway......

  24. Rol Silver badge

    Happy belated anniversary Dabbs

    I do believe "backdoor man" alludes to the underhand art of cuckolding, as in. "Jesus! It's my husband. Quick! Leave by the backdoor". Well, that was Zeps take on it - "Come in my front door, hear my backdoor slam"

    Then again if your back door slams as you're coming in the front door you might want to avail yourself of the services of a proctologist.

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: Happy belated anniversary Dabbs

      The Jim Morrison / doors version of Howlin Wolfs (Willie Dixon wroteIIRC) Backdoor Man leaves you in no doubt it's about cuckery

      But sang by whoever a few key lyrics:

      "The men don't know, but the little girls understand"

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What you have all failed to spot

    Is that Dabsy has set us up precisely to become the problem if we complain.

    Whatever we say, the commentards (aka customers) will be wasting his time in a nice circular argument.

    Sorry Dabsy but that's the sort of tactic Mr Trump uses in order to stifle any debate.

    Nevertheless I applaud your observation and description, and indeed diversion, from our own opinions being heard.

    :)

  26. AZump

    "Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time."

    Even this Yank has installed Monty Pythons Complete Waste of Time.

  27. peterm3

    why not do a review of banks?

    It would be great to do a comparison of British banks. There aren't many to choose from so it wouldn't be too time consuming!

  28. This post has been deleted by its author

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Six years, wow, I've just done the math and that's like 6 x 10 so 60 minutes which is an hour so I could have had up to three shits in that time.

    Keep up the good work good sir.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Six years

      That's six years of weekly columns, less Augusts and Christmases.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Six years

        So that's 46 x 10 x 6 / 60 = 46 / 3 = Up to 15.3 Recurring shits. Not sure how I feel about the recurring part.

  30. Potemkine! Silver badge

    You bastard!

    By the way, it's been six years

    Now I'm feeling old :doh:

    by definition you work in the (Computer Systems Frequently Go) Tits Up industry

    Parodying the War Nerd, I say we should just drop the façade and call IT the Department of “Whoops!”

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: You bastard!

      The passing of a mere six years makes you feel old? You must be very young ...

      1. Potemkine! Silver badge

        Re: You bastard!

        If only! I just had the feeling it was last year, and I'm realizing 6 years have passed...

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: You bastard!

          If only! I just had the feeling it was last year, and I'm realizing 6 years have passed...

          As my father would say: "5 minutes on hot stove seems like a 5 hours. 5 hours with a beautiful woman seems like 5 minutes." So process the timescale accordingly.

  31. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    minutes

    Isn't standard reading speed about 250 words per minute? Then 100 wpm is on the slow side, but not unreasonable for complex prose. AD should be grateful that his readers take the same care with his prose that they would with, I dunno, Locke or Russell, perhaps.

  32. Baudwalk

    I’m with you...

    ...on Baron Munchausen. Gilliam’s best, IMHO.

    As for French flicks, few seem to know about, but should, may I nominate quirky action comedy “Les aventures extraordinaires d'Adèle Blanc-Sec“ and arty-farty “Le Scaphandre et le papillon”?

  33. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

    And...

    Can't log in again but at least an opportunity to use one of my favourite lines from BBC comedy, though I forget the programme: "Look at you! You're up and down like a whore's drawers!"

  34. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    I was in my mid-30s by the time I managed to catch Dumbo all the way through on the TV, and realised I'd already seen all of it via dozens of 5-minute clips on Screen Test.

    1. Colin Wilson 2

      ".... I managed to catch Dumbo all the way through"

      Avoid the scene where his Mother's locked in a cage with a sign saying "mad Elephant" - at least if anyone's around.

      Worse than th 'Daddy! My Daddy!" bit at the end of the Railway Children...

  35. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    My list of French films includes Amélie, that bicyling animation one, and that one about two lovers who drown the third party in the swimming pool.

  36. Don The Elder

    9 minutes to watch a 233 second video

    Must be tapping the back arrow with your foot in time to the music. That disconnect with our universe would explain a lot of your life. What is that fantastic wind-up stringed instrument? Was it designed for arthritic musicians or, as with so many things useful at my stage in life, amputee veterans of the Napoleonic and Great Wars?

  37. rskurat

    the Baron

    completely agree regarding Baron Munchausen. Very weird, very enjoyable. Uma Thurman's 1st film, I think.

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