back to article BOFH: We know where the bodies are buried

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns We're having a company-wide operational audit. The Boss, bless him, thinks it's a routine process aimed at solidifying the company's position in the marketplace (blah, blah, blah), however the PFY and I know better having accidentally been bcc-ed in on a private email exchange discussing a …

  1. TRT Silver badge

    Poisoning the well...

    Nice move. I like to see some professionalism in the workplace.

  2. JakeMS Silver badge

    Yeah, in situations like this you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your job.

    I can't say I wouldn't do something like that in this situation.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Sure, but you also have to be prepared the predator with its own, possibly female, BOFH.

      To be continued?

  3. Bob Wheeler
    Pint

    Where the bodies are...

    "Oh, they'll probably keep us on. As they say in the corporate world, we know where the bodies are buried," the PFY smiles.

    "Or more importantly," I add, "we know that there's room for some more bodies..."

    I now where the bodies are because I put them there....

    1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Where the bodies are...

      Beware of men barring strange gifts... Especially if it's bags of quicklime and/or cement .

      Though i do wonder how they manage to get accounts to pay for all the rolls of carpet they must go through....(because come on, you think the BOFH or the PFY pay for these themselves?)

      1. brotherelf
        Joke

        Re: Where the bodies are...

        These anti-static carpets become filled up with static, so regular replacements are needed. Just like inkjet cartridges, only the other way around.

        1. JimC Silver badge

          Re: Where the bodies are...

          Funny you should mention ink. Its that big pen plotter you see, it really scatters the stuff around. That's why we need to have that bigpiece of carpet in the server room to stop it getting on the tiles.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Where the bodies are...

        " pay for all the rolls of carpet ....."

        No, no, no. Always use old carpet that someone has thrown out after helpfully contaminating it with years of random DNA. You don't want to make life easy for the forensic bods.

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Where the bodies are...

          Beware of men barring strange gifts

          What, you didn't want them or something?

  4. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Neat!

    Although I wouldn't have opted for a mere chicken dinner. Something more upmarket (lobster anyone?) should have been on the cards for such an epic arse-saving effort

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Neat!

      such an epic arse-saving effort

      Given my chicken allergy, such a dinner would be far from arse-saving for me.

    2. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker
      Pint

      Re: Metaphorical chicken

      Allusion to: "Winner winner, chicken dinner!"

      I'm sure Simon & PFY are celebrating at the usual pub with lager and crisps.

      (It was the references here in the BOFH Files that led me to trying salt & vinegar crisps. Not too bad. Haven't paired them with lager yet.)

      1. The Oncoming Scorn
        Pint

        Re: Metaphorical chicken

        Smokey bacon is my personal preference when I can get them here or just plain ready salted.

        Crisps\chips are heavily salted in Canadaland, with much bigger packets it makes it damn hard to stop eating them during Netflix binges.

        I used to like Smiths\Walkers Sausage & Tomato or Savory Sausage flavours, but the last time I encountered any of those perodically swapped out variants they tasted artificial as hell.

        1. Korev Silver badge

          Re: Metaphorical chicken

          It all went downhill after Walkers stopped selling the Cajun Squirrel flavour crisps...

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Metaphorical chicken

            Chilli McCoys are THE crunchy comestible to accompany Budweiser. I don't know why exactly but they are flavour perfection together.

            1. Alistair Silver badge
              Windows

              Re: Metaphorical chicken

              Chilli McCoys are THE crunchy comestible to accompany Budweiser. I don't know why exactly but they are flavour perfection together.

              Budweiser has flavour?

              1. Andy A
                Pint

                Re: Metaphorical chicken

                ....Budweiser has flavour?

                No.

                They proudly claim to filter it through activated charcoal, which removes all trace.

                The pint in the icon has more flavour (and I'm not referring to the 3D version it was based on).

          2. Bitbeisser

            Re: Metaphorical chicken

            "It all went downhill after Walkers stopped selling the Cajun Squirrel flavour crisps..."

            Didn't that get replaced with that Roadkill Tabasco flavor instead?...

  5. Sixtysix
    Pint

    Absolutely believable!

    Can't believe they didn't take the chance to get rid of a few familiar faces along the way tho!

  6. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Beautifully executed.

    *wipes tear*

    *applause*

    1. Mycho Silver badge

      There were no executions in this episode though.

      1. Maverick
        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

          they were virtual

  7. Peter2 Silver badge

    Of course, the next thing is going to be the competitor company trying to use this information against their company to get them closed down, only to discover it's somewhat misleading. ;)

    1. Chronos Silver badge

      ...which then leads to accusations of anti-competitive business practices and mismanagement, wipes out predator company's share price and effectively hoists them with their own petard. I love it.

      Simon must read The Prince and think "this Machiavelli bloke. What a bloody noob..."

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Wiping out predator company's share price

        So then the BOFH's company can buy out the predator and he will have a whole new group of users to terrorize and a new PFY to mentor...perfect!

        1. Fatman
          Joke

          Re: Wiping out predator company's share price

          <quote>So then the BOFH's company can buy out the predator and he will have a whole new group of users manglement to terrorize and a new PFY to mentor...perfect!</quote>

          There!!!

          FTFY!

    2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      "competitor company trying to use this information against their company"

      You cant help thinking that would be a huge mistake on their part ...

      BOFH would have to go to guerilla war, just after Shorting* their stock

      *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

      1. Steve the Cynic Silver badge

        BOFH would have to go to guerilla war, just after Shorting* their stock

        *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

        "shorting" is exactly the word you're looking for, short for "short selling".

        You make a "short" sale (selling shares you don't have yet - a "naked" short - or that you have borrowed from your broker) and buy them in a hurry after the price drops but before you must deliver the shares you sold or pay back your broker.

        Naked short selling is just barely legal, perhaps, depending on your jurisdiction, and may result in you having to "DK" ("don't know") the sell order, in essence claiming that you never made it. That gets you a bad reputation with your broker, who will terminate your account if you do it too often.

      2. Jemma Silver badge

        Shorting..

        Oh, you meant shorting *stock*..

        So not the guys testicles to the three-phase supply...?

        No?

        Well, least said soonest melted.. Mended.. I meant mended..

      3. The Boojum

        No, I think your use of shorting is correct. Connecting their stock directly to 415V.

      4. Michael Habel Silver badge

        *or whatever the Wall St parasitic bullshit is for making money out of betting a stock value goes down.

        I think the term you're looking for is "Short Selling"...

  8. BebopWeBop Silver badge
    Happy

    "Or more importantly," I add, "we know that there's room for some more bodies..."

    Ahhhh - these articles just make my Fridays

  9. x 7 Silver badge

    the e-mail retention policy was similar to what happened at Time Computers in the months before they went bust - except the retention period was 3- days

    ALL e-mails over 1 month were deleted without warning or backup

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      A bit like quite a lot of the records where Time Computers were concerned, really. The records of where the Time delivery trucks went on the morning that they went bust would be nice to know, because the truckers somehow got lost on the way to each and every Time Computers shop.

      Similarly the records for Time's internet arm would also make interesting reading, in particular the way that the records of sales data of Time PCs mysteriously got teleported to a database just down the road, there to be grepped through by a Perl script and cross-compared with the records of who had signed up to that particular ISP.

      If you had had a fit of good sense after making the mistake of buying a Time PC and had chosen a proper ISP, then that little Perl script would dredge up your details and pass them over to Time, so that a team of operatives could ask why you had not taken up this kind offer of an ISP...?

      This is, BTW, a very good reason to not give retailers any more info than the bare minimum, since you never quite know where that info may end up...

  10. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

    It's a bit of a shock to realise that, after all these years, I had never wondered what the company did.

    1. DougS Silver badge

      Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

      I wouldn't worry about it, I doubt Simon ever wondered what his company does either.

    2. DropBear Silver badge

      Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

      Hmmm, tough one... dunno, maybe... sprockets...?

      1. BoldMan

        Re: "great heatproof kitchen furniture"

        More like widgets...

  11. Alister Silver badge

    large enough to consume our company whole whilst leaving room for dessert, a cheese board and several after-dinner cognacs.

    Oh Simon, fancy forgetting the wafer-thin mints...

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Excellent reference there...

  12. sarahemmm

    And in the wonderful new world of GDPR

    .. this will be reality ;)

  13. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    Awwww, thank you Simon.

    Thats *my* line at work.

    "I'm no longer an employee, I'm furniture, 'cause I know where the bodies are buried"

  14. chivo243 Silver badge

    yes, knowing where the bodies are

    *cough* ahem, what bodies...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: yes, knowing where the bodies are

      No idea. All ex-employees' records are deleted on the day of their exit, in order to comply with the GDPR. Including the ones who disappear in mysterious circumstances

  15. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Sounds a good idea

    But only if they actually want the company. If they just want the IP or to remove/replace a competitor and close the whole lot down this would be a bit of an open door.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      Re: Sounds a good idea

      You're missing the liability piece - if they buy the company they buy everything - IP, debts and liabilities - including past misdemeanors which have yet to come to light :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sounds a good idea

        Not sure how it works on Simon's side of the pond, but over in the US companies typically only buy the assets of a target. On paper, the liabilities get left behind. Not sure how that works in practice and how many old debits or lawsuits you can escape.

        It gets really funky if you read the fine print. BIGCO doesn't just buy VICTIMCO. The filings usually have a convoluted arrangement of shell companies that come and go in the meantime. So BIGCO creates a new company called Victimco Holdings LLC, which buys the assets of VICTIMCO, VICTIMCO essentially ceases to exists, then Victimco Holdings LLC gets merged into BIGCO.

        Essentially it's a lot of high-priced suits figuring out how to squeeze out as much cash as possible, to hell with anyone else.

        1. DuchessofDukeStreet

          Simon's side of the pond

          Simon is not on either side of the pond surely? Although the BOFH appears firmly resident in the eastern side (where the purchase of assets alone can only be done from a company in bankruptcy/administration/receivership).

      2. Montreal Sean

        Re: Sounds a good idea

        They also inherit the storage room in the underground garage.

        The one full of quicklime, carpet rolls, shovels, and the fingerprints of bigger company's owner all over everything...

  16. StuntMisanthrope Bronze badge

    Snake Charming and Ladders.

    Not so fast. The full fail routine as predicted, falling for the old audit bait. The company is sound, but undervalued. Lower the offer. #BCxFHexPFYv3.14

  17. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    A Likely Story

    having accidentally been bcc-ed in on a private email exchange

    I wonder how (and how often ) that happened? :D

    1. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

      Re: A Likely Story

      It happens to the 3-letter authorities all the time, I guess.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: A Likely Story

      "I wonder how (and how often ) that happened?"

      As far as the BOFH is concerned it happens automatically and to all emails.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A Likely Story

      "I wonder how (and how often ) that happened?"

      A couple of years ago my ISP outsourced their users' email service to a Microsoft 365 account creating company. Then one of my friends asked if I realised that my SMTP BCC addressees were now visible in his, and presumably everyone else's, emails.

  18. Munchausen's proxy
    Pint

    I like the new Boss

    He seems to know his place, and could prove to be a real asset to the team.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: I like the new Boss

      But.... at some point, he'll become a liability due to knowing that while there are bodies buried, he doesn't know how many or where. Finding out either of those two things should earn him his own personal sized carpet roll.

  19. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    What a fine Friday

    Been out in the sunshine all day (and getting paid for it), then come home to a nice beer and BOFH

  20. 100113.1537

    Lovely

    Now that is what I call a poison pill defence!

  21. bofh1961

    I can't remember the last time I let out such an evil laugh...

  22. -maniax-

    Stupid Deaths?

    I can't be the only one who looked at the picture and immediately thought this was going to be something from Horrible Histories can I?

  23. Charlie van Becelaere
    Pint

    Perfect Tale

    as we head toward Gin O'Clock. (One needs a few cocktail icons.)

  24. Chairman of the Bored Silver badge

    Epic BOFH

    Simultaneously get rid of the bidder and also put your employer on notice that your BS is sufficiently toxic that it can awaken lawyers from the dead ... so its best to keep you happy and compensated. A good strategy, I think.

    Real world: mum worked admin within the president's office of a mid-sized university. President's admin treated everyone like absolute crap - particularly the IT people, whom she found beneath contempt. "Technicians!!". Turns out the loud banging sounds emanating from the president's office were in fact ... banging sounds. And somehow, miraculously, all the zesty email exchanges between the pres and admin got CC'ed to the entire staff and Board of Directors. After the necessary personnel changes were made, mum says the IT manager walked around for days smiling enigmatically.

  25. Chris King Silver badge

    It's been a while since someone tried a takeover...

    https://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/02/23/bofh_episode_8/

    "Do you know if we're Mummy or Daddy?"

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Aud IT

    I worked at a government education institution for a while, during that time working there, there was an audit. Staff in different sections raced about collecting old records of acquisitions from the purchase request books and invoices paid etc, as they had been very remiss in this area.

    The Auditors saw the IT structure of the institution and said oh you sell to yourselves then, Ok, we'll just audit the primary acquisition department, and subsequently let everybody else off the hook.

    It was good to see all the CSO fret and lose a little sleep over their slackness. The result would have been a shambles if they had actually audited every faculty & department.

  27. This post has been deleted by its author

  28. Marshalltown

    A thouhgt - a very curious and potentially disturbing one

    If you consider just how long Simon has been ensconced in his ops room, and the close and - ah - intimate knowledge he has of company operations, there is more than a small chance that he actually owns the company or a majority through blind proxies. Owning the company and its administration would provide job security. I knew a janitor who never needed to work because unbeknownst to anyone up the line. he actually was the boss of all bosses and really did know where the bodies were buried. He mainly showed up to keep an eye on things and note any new graves.

    1. Chairman of the Bored Silver badge

      Re: A thouhgt - a very curious and potentially disturbing one

      @Marshmallowtown, that's a disturbing thought! Or maybe not - than janitor in my building is probably tolhe most polite and hard-working bloke in the whole place. Interesting.

      On a similar vein - lived near a gentlemen who used to a flag officer is the USN. Had a tour as shipbuilding superintendent. Real rough looking guy, and for some reason wanted accurate information about how things were going on the ways rather than rely on the BS feed provided by his staff... So his habit was to ditch his staff, pull on some filthy overalls, and walk around the docks and see for himself, at least until his staff found out and warned the contractors, sailors, mafia, etc what the old man was doing.

      Asked him how he found out. Answer was something like, "well, the docks were nearly empty and everything looked pristine. Found a sailor polishing a railing for no good reason and asked him why. He answered, 'some g....m mother...er From NAVSEA is walking around to see what's wrong so I gotta polish this f....g railing. What a d...khead!...'

      Asked what he did to the sailor. Response was something like 'why would I do anything??? I wanted honest feedback and I got it. he was the only man in sight doing his f....g job, so why should I be unhappy?'

  29. lardymcfartpants

    No Backups You Say?

    I recently worked for a young company in the US.. I instructed my new department to setup backups of our data as none had been taken in 9 years.

    We left a few people out, a year later the CEO went mad because the CFO lost some important docs before a meeting and insisted he be backed up... Whilst my desktop droid was at it I asked the CEO when we were going to add him...

    "I need to be able to delete all my email securely if we're audited"

    I resigned shortly afterwards.

  30. Farnet

    A little project

    One day, I will go back and read BOFH right from the absolute very beginning and try and count up how many 'bodies' have passed through IT one way or another....

    My guess is over 100.

    Unless one of you guys has already done that?

  31. Lost it

    I think there's lots of 1's and 0's involved.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bell TNT

    I wish BellSouth had done this to AT&T in 2006-2007

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019