back to article BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns "We put a fair amount of time into ideation sessions in an attempt to leverage your company's commercial value against the prevailing market perception," the suit says. ... "Just, ah, back that up a little there – you put a fair amount of time into what now?" the PFY asks. " …

  1. Dave K Silver badge

    Hope Simon unplugged the Management Buzzword Detector before that meeting, otherwise I smell a combustation-oriented workplace depopulation on the horizon...

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      He's certainly got a well tuned Management bullshit generator. Must be based on a gatling gun.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Ah... but the Boss understands and apparently has decided to go along with the BOFH's operational policy. I wonder how long it will last before he to is out the door... err... window?

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

          Are you referring to the boss being the victim of a future database normalisation warning? Always a distinct possibility

    2. rskurat

      Well, the suit did use 'affect' rather than 'impact' so he can't be *entirely* evil. Only 98% evil.

  2. Florida1920
    Facepalm

    Too true

    In the 90s I took a vacation from contracting to go "permanent" with a high-tech outfit. The president, an engineer, went walk-about and an accountant took over. One of his first actions was to hire a "quality something-or-other."

    At the first meeting she led, she addressed a problem that resulted from some bad silicon we were buying from a single source. It failed due to inadequate testing before the units were shipped, leaving our customers to do quality control. Her solution: "We are going to collate failure data from the field and flow it back to the engineering community."

    Not as eloquent as Simon's prose, but enough to get me to resign and go back to contracting.

    1. phuzz Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Too true

      I find asking people what they mean by (eg) 'onboardification', and then quizzing them on why they didn't just use a real word tends to reduce the amount of bollocks they come out with. If that doesn't work, start writing a 'bizspeak to English' dictionary in front of them, and make a big show of consulting it to translate each sentence that comes out of their mouth.

      You should be able to effectively de-rail the meeting and get back to doing real work within half an hour or so. Bonus points if the sales person leaves in tears.

      1. Alistair Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: Too true

        Give me a whiteboard during one of these meetings. I do that. Buzzword bingo crap in red. plain English in green. and I tend to use ~= rather than =.

      2. big_D Silver badge

        Re: Too true

        I just slam the Oxford on the table, or over here, the Duden.

        1. Stoneshop Silver badge
          Devil

          How about

          slamming the Oxford against the Duden.

          With the bit of conslutant protruding upwards out of his collar between them.

      3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Too true

        Bonus points if the sales person leaves in tears through the window.

        BOFHed it for you.

        1. mladoux

          Re: Too true

          Bonus points if the sales person leaves in tears through the window. -- less heavy lifting if they propel themselves.

  3. Dr Who

    Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose!

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Bien sur.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Buzzword Bingo

        A colleague and I often play this game when the Program Manager is in the conference call.

        Last time I cried out 'bingo!' I wasn't on mute, and neither was my colleague who proceeded to wet himself.

        This was only topped when the PM challenged me to explain my outburst (thinking to belittle me in front of other peers and manglers). However, this backfired when I clearly laid out the rules of the game and thus which word gained me the victory; by which time most of the rest of the people on the call were also wetting themselves.

        For some reason that PM doesn't speak to me much anymore! Best be anon for this one.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Buzzword Bingo

          When they brought in the consultants for a project a long time ago in a company far away, they were wasting our time with meetings.

          One week our team went there armed with buzzword bingo cards.

          The consultant was quite annoyed when the first of us shouted "bingo" and left.

          I went second. They were not able to learn. We continued that game for 3 weeks until out cfo intervened and the meetings stopped.

          1. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: Buzzword Bingo

            "We continued that game for 3 weeks until out cfo intervened and the meetings stopped."

            But did the consultants?

        2. _Charles_

          Re: Buzzword Bingo

          i walked away from the whole sorry business a couple of years ago so I should be less sensitised to this than some, but this had me crying with laughter.

          1. Adrian 4 Silver badge

            Re: Buzzword Bingo

            Sounds like the basis of an excellent drinking game

    2. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      "Plus ça change, plus c'est la même merde!"

      FTFY.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Or rather I do when I have found some risqué conference photos on a cellphone I'm unbricking "

    cellphone?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: cellphone?

      Oddly, despite not especially liking this ghastly foreign terminology, I find myself also using it occasionally during presentations. It seems to be when I need to be clear that I'm talking about a mobile phone, and not a non-mobile one, and not necessarily a smartphone, and where simply "mobile" or similar would not be unambiguous enough. I think it is because that in such cases, "cellphone", with only two syllables, wins out over "mobile phone", with three.

      1. PNGuinn
        Trollface

        Re: cellphone?

        Wot's wrong with mobe?

        1. Dabooka Silver badge

          Re: cellphone?

          Everything

          1. PNGuinn
            Thumb Up

            Re: Everything

            +1.

            (I presume you're one of my down voters with taste.)

        2. Bill M

          Re: cellphone?

          I recently used the phrase corporate standards mob in an email to describe the group of people at my place who insist on using a font not default an any operating system.

          Soon after we got proposal for an iPhone app to manage our corporate standards. They proposed doing it in a font non standard to iOS with an additional proposal to manually install this non standard font on our 5,000+ iPhones around the world

        3. Asylum_visitor

          Re: cellphone?

          It's the singular for moob, which instantly reminds me of the Family Guy scene where Peter Griffin is breast-feeding himself.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: cellphone?

            Brain Bleach - now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        4. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: cellphone?

          Not only should El Reg bring back "mobe", but also "lappy". And maybe also introduce "desky" to denote the other main PC type...

          [flees before howling mob weilding flaming torches]

          1. Gio Ciampa

            Re: cellphone?

            "Not only should El Reg bring back "mobe", but also "lappy". And maybe also introduce "desky" to denote the other main PC type..."

            Not forgetting (and showing my age here) luggables - which I always called Louise (but out of earshot of said young lady...)

          2. rskurat

            Re: cellphone?

            I used to hear "applemac" (one word) from visiting post-docs 20 years ago, hope that's still in use.

        5. AlbertH
          Facepalm

          Re: cellphone?

          Over here in Germany, it's a "Handy"!

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: cellphone?

        The BOFH has been around for a long time. Probably long enough to remember BT's System 4 which was a non-cellular mobile system. It overlapped with TACS. In BT terms TACS was 5th generation....

        1. paulf Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: cellphone?

          @ Doctor Syntax "The BOFH has been around for a long time. Probably long enough to remember BT's System 4 which was a non-cellular mobile system. It overlapped with TACS. In BT terms TACS was 5th generation...."

          Ah System 4. ISTR (among other things) that System 4 had no HLR (Handset Location Register) so you had to call the cell based on where you thought the suscriber was. Since the cells were massive that wasn't too difficult and probably explains why the system saturated at ~20k users.

      3. Marshalltown

        Re: cellphone?

        When the BOFH first appeared the "cellular telephone" was a very, very new new thing. They were actually about the size of bricks (no back pocket carrying) and would get hot enough that you might start worrying about an explosion next to your external acoustic meatus. In the US these monsters were referred to as "cell phones" in distinction to land lines. However, "mobile" was an option. "Smart phone" is an oxymoron.

    2. MonkeyCee Silver badge

      cellphone, mobile, handy

      In case you weren't aware, Simon spent a number of his formative years living in NZ.

      As another part-time colonial, my usage of the Queen's English has also become corrupted. It's typically various Americanisms that creep in, along with the usual local slang.

      Thus many oikers and kIwis will use pants to mean trousers, cellphone for mobile, and a few others.

      The worst aspect is that people sometimes mistake you for a septic with an English accent.

      1. Bill M

        Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

        The kiwi accent is remarkably similar to the Namibian accent, especially noticeable when discussing fish and chips, which kiwis & Namimbians pronounce in a far more delightful way that the slovenly aussies.

        1. CentralCoasty
          Angel

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          yes - their pronunciation has a distinctly nuclear twang to it.

      2. Zippy's Sausage Factory
        Pint

        Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

        Thus many oikers and kIwis will use pants to mean trousers, cellphone for mobile, and a few others.

        I used to know a tailor, who insisted to me that trousers is, essentially, a subset of pants. It was at this point that I realised that every profession has its own jargon which is generally speaking impenetrable to outsiders. I also suddenly remembered an urgent appointment, elsewhere*, for which I was running late.

        * Probably to meet a Mr L Ager at the bar...

        1. Anonymous Coward Silver badge

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          I believe that 'pants' comes from 'pantaloon' (=trousers)

          UK English use of 'pants' is a contraction of 'underpants' which quite clearly is the thing that is worn under the pants (=trousers).

          I hate it, but in this instance our American cousins are correct. That won't stop me 'correcting' them though.

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            I hate it, but in this instance our American cousins are correct

            They might be - but you don't have to admit it! They'll get (more) insufferably unbearable now..

            1. Donn Bly

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              They'll get (more) insufferably unbearable

              Is that even possible?

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

                Is that even possible?

                Yes, however the result is the instantaneous formation of a quantum black hole, which results in its release of Hawking radiation and destruction. Best not to be too close. Naked singularities are a bitch.

              2. Chemical Bob

                Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

                >They'll get (more) insufferably unbearable

                >Is that even possible?

                Do you really want to know?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            I believe that 'pants' comes from 'pantaloon'

            Yes, it's all very commedia dell'arte until the zannis get their hands on some heavy artillery.

          3. J27 Bronze badge

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            That's ok, we in the colonies tend to tune out that sort of noise. You'll be lucky if anyone over here listens to you at all after you try to "correct" them a couple of times.

          4. Lorribot

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            Pantaloons comes from a French word Pantalon and refers to typically baggy leg coverings,

            Trousers is an English (possible Irish origin) word that refers to a more close fitting garment.

            Underpants originally were loose fitting undergamment for the legs somewhere between long johns and boxer shorts.

            Over trousers are common in Motorcycling and refer to, often waterproof. trousers that may also ofer some element of protection from surface impact and abrasion.

          5. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Alan Brown Silver badge

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          "trousers is, essentially, a subset of pants."

          Given that pants is an abbreviation of "Pantaloons", he's absolutely correct.

          Quite _why_ the British universally equate pants as underwear is mysterious. Yes, I know "underpants", the question is how it got here from there and only in the last 40 years or so.

          ("Cellphone" comes from "cellular mobile telephone" -> "Cellular phone" in an era where non-cellular ones were visible to the masses (I had one, it was awful - but not as bad as WinCE phones). Euro-types called dumb mobiles "Handys" or "Handyphones")

      3. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

        Even worse than being taken for a septic in Britain, is having a London accent in California, half of them think you're an Aussie roo botherer.

        1. Bill M

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          Could be worse, you could actually be a septic.

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          half of them think you're an Aussie roo botherer

          I'm reminded of the rule of identifying people from small countries next to big ones:

          If unsure about Aus or NZ, suggest NZ. The Aussies will laugh and correct you and the Kiwis will be proud that you got it right. Same holds for Canada and the US.

          Just don't try it for Scotland and England..

          1. Black Betty

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            Aussies will laugh and correct you obscenely.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            TBH I tend to make a point of "confusing" New Zealanders with Australians and Canadians with Americans. Also Belgians with French. Because it's so much more fun. And when they splutter and protest I tell them it's all the same place really.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              Just don't ever call a Korean Japanese. The results can be fatal. I'm serious.

            2. Marshalltown

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              Glance at BBC News. One of the Sections is "US and Canada." I rather wonder what the typical Canadian thinks of that. Being from south of the border, my experiences in Canada never involved even needing a passport. I did get an RCMP officer a little aggravated once, but that was settled by backing away from the border crossing to a pull out and cooking and eating the sweet corn we were carrying.

            3. rskurat

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              And Austria is part of Germany, right?

          3. Scroticus Canis
            Happy

            Re: Just don't try it for Scotland and England..

            Sage advice, a heed to the nose or a punch in the face do tend to offend.

          4. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            "small countries next to big ones"

            For some values of "next to"

            That small stretch of water in between Australia and New Zealand represents the same distance you'll find between London and Moscow.

          5. mdubash

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            'Cept of course, Canada is way way bigger than the US (do USanians know that?).

        3. tony trolle
          Happy

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          lot more than half, 80% I would guess.

          Still find Americans saying chimney funny

      4. Ken 16 Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

        After working in Germany, I find 'Handy' really...useful.

    3. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

      It was for the managers benefit....

    4. storner
      Trollface

      Whatever ...

      Friend of mine called a support droid about some problem. "Do you have an Iphone or a smartphone"?

      Somehow that does kind of make sense...

    5. Chemical Bob
      Coat

      Re: cellphone?

      They're used in jails.

      Mine's the one with a carphone in the pocket...

    6. Patched Out
      Headmaster

      To be precise, a cell phone is a phone that relies on cellular communications, as opposed to a satellite phone, which does not. Both of which are "mobile phones". I also have a wireless phone in my house, which also could be called a "mobile" phone.

  5. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Happy

    Decruitment..

    It gladdened my heart (incremented my joy quotient) that Simon and the PFY leveraged the suit's lifespan reduction action plan. (de-twatified the situation) I hope enough lime or a suitable recycling site was acquired so the remains don't gameify.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Pint

      Re: Decruitment..

      Sir, I salute you! For gameify you deserve many an upvote. Hope you enjoy your Friday beer.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Decruitment..

      As this is Vulture Central, the remains will not gameify.

      The remains have been leveraged to foodify the free soaring assets.

    3. Karl Vegar

      Re: Decruitment..

      No need for neither lime nor carpets.

      This was a clear case of a workplace accident. Some old (UPS?) unit being decommissioned, accidentally slipped out the window at an (in)opportune moment. On the bright side, the cushioning saved the footpath.

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Stone soup contract

    The extras keep on coming...

    So, it seems that the "new boss" who bossplains, is not a target....

    yet...

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Stone soup contract

      bossplains is my favorite new term

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

        ... and so I can now safely assume that bossplaining is not the same as bofhsplaining, even if they do sound rather similar...

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

          "bossplaining is not the same as bofhsplaining"

          Of course they're different. Only one of them involves cattle-prods, rolls of carpet and quicklime.

          1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

            Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

            Bossplains sounds a bit like what might happen if you dropped a overripe melon from about 5 storeys high onto tarmac.

          2. Montreal Sean

            Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

            Actually, I think you'll find that both terms can involve cattle prods, carpet rolls and quick lime.

            Just from different perspectives. :)

      2. acousticm

        Re: Stone soup contract

        decruitment would be mine.

  7. AstroNutter
    Black Helicopters

    I like the new boss

    That makes him dangerous. I do hope that Simon and the PFY are keeping a very close watchful eye out. I sense that he may need to go on a nice long vacation at some point in the future. (on a building site maybe)

    1. Dave Ross

      Re: I like the new boss

      I hear that concrete suit linings are very "in" this season...

    2. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: I like the new boss

      Depend on whether this new boss is a danger to the IT crew or to other boss' sections.

      Could get quite interesting (in the Chinese curse sense) to be in a pincer movement by a top executive and some world-savvy IT "specialists".

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: I like the new boss

        I suspect that the new boss may soon be removed and replaced with a simple software implementation of his former role:

        http://www.fatsquirrel.org/veghead/software/bollocks/

        This implements /dev/bollocks, the first kernel module to wear a suit (even if only metaphorically).

      2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Quite Interesting in Deed, indeed ...... and for Many, Quite Terrifying, MeThinks.

        Could get quite interesting (in the Chinese curse sense) to be in a pincer movement by a top executive and some world-savvy IT "specialists". .... Paul Crawford

        Messing about in leaky boats on Flowing Rivers of Info and Intel with SMARTR Native Patrolling of Pirate and Private Enterprises providing Security and Safe Harbours is not a Great AI Game to be trifled with, PC, given the dire consequences available for delivery whenever programs are displaying failure. ........ https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2018/03/23/deepmind/#c_3465550

        Or perhaps you do not believe you a simply complex series of mouse clicks away from/for Almighty Power with Global Operating Devices and thus condemn yourself to be just a Passive Impassive Future Spectator rather than Leading State and/or Non State Actor in Upcoming Events Being Unfurled.

  8. 27escape

    Spot on

    A classic in the making

  9. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    "He means indicators of client use of the website," the Boss bossplains. "So tell me, how would this be done?"

    Lovely new word. Bossplains. Maybe I'll be able to use it in future.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Indeed, that and decruitment I think both are worthy additions to the lexicon...

  10. BebopWeBop Silver badge
    Devil

    The Boss seems to have learnt all about effective, safe and (possibly) non incriminating delegation.

  11. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Pint

    Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

    Any suggestions for a modern Agile, IAAS enabled version of it?

    1. Munchausen's proxy
      Pint

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

      "Any suggestions for a modern Agile, IAAS enabled version of it?"

      Thought leader.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

      LARTAAS of course.

    3. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated? IAAS?

      Is that Injury As A Service?

  12. Andrew Moore

    Nearly similar situation...

    I had a client ask me to investigate a project "and revert". So I set the whole thing back to the previous version. When they complained I pointed out the email said to revert. They tried to explain that meant "respond"; to which I asked "well why not use the word 'respond' then?"

    1. Bob Wheeler

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".

      In their education system they still teaching English based upon the Victorian ear standard.

      1. Swarthy Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".
        Why on earth do they feel the need to send an e-mail to request that you "do the needful"? I find that a couple of cups of coffee or lunch from the cheap dive down the way makes that e-mail quite redundant.

        Speaking of which....

        1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

          Doing the needful..

          Whenever I hear the phrase "Do the needful" I either picture:

          -A charity-driven prostitution program

          -A 70s-era disco dance (sing along to "Do the Hustle!")

      2. Nitallica

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        If someone requests "do the needful" of me, I'm off to a bar. My definition of "needful" involves ice and vodka.

        1. DropBear Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Nearly similar situation...

          I guess I could be persuaded to "do the needful" but it would heavily depend on whether said needful is a he or a she, and a few other factors...

      3. ShadowDragon8685

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        In fairness, every time I binge the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (leaving out the tail-ending ones where AC. Doyle himself was buying into malarkey and it started to show,) a new Victorianism enters my lexicon.

        I have confused a fair few waitresses and waiters (collectively, waitstaff or waitpersons, but to the best of my knowledge every individual encountered was precisely one of those two and had not need to correct me upon my first impression,) by explaining in terms which I considered not uncertain that I wished for there to be no pink spots whatever in my grilled meat products. (Red is right out.)

    2. jonathan keith

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      That client deserves everything that's coming to them, possibly including an extended stay in a re-education camp.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      Was your client a barrister? I had the same confusion when being given some advice from our learned freind. it lead to some very confusing emails.

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        Sometimes the legal profession really do excel in terms of stupid expressions. A very good example would be a judge who, when summing up a case where two young men were convicted of outraging public decency, told them to "Get a grip and pull themselves together", which was pretty much what they'd just been found guilty of doing, albeit in public.

    4. CentralCoasty
      Unhappy

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      "revert" is becoming a corporate favourite where I am at the moment... and yes in every single instance they mean "reply".

      It's now started working its way in the BA's lexicon.... going to make the requirements reading very interesting.... trouble is I dont see any BOFH's around here......

  13. ObSolutions, Inc

    My Gods...

    Even knowing that it was a joke all along, I could feel my hands aching to slap that twat across the room about halfway through the story.

    Superb!

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
      Trollface

      That would be twatsplaining then

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        BOFH is no joke.

      2. PNGuinn
        Trollface

        That would be twatsplaining then

        Twatsplatting.

        FIFY

        1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: That would be twatsplaining then

          Although from personal experience this and bossplaining may be synonyms...

        2. Stoneshop Silver badge

          Re: That would be twatsplaining then

          Or twatpaining.

  14. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Coat

    Missed a chance

    To get one of 2018's favourite buzzwords a run around and demonstrate its true meaning: leveraging business assets to truly impact performance.

  15. adam payne Silver badge

    <"Well which game are you trying to make it like? I'm quite a fan of murder in the dark. Get the lights, will you, Stephen?">

    It's much more fun if they don't know what's coming/

    1. Geekpride

      Get the lights - and the night vision gear. Requisitioned so they can still provide support during power outages.

  16. MCMLXV
    Holmes

    Draw a line

    "So we can 'draw a line under it'?" the Boss asks.

    "You mean 'draw a chalk outline around him'", I replied.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Draw a line

      Sounds a lot like wanting to leave evidence… Much better to know that the council has scheduled some repair work for later in the week.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Draw a line

      I'd say the project flatlined before it found its legs; the legs being the only bit left sticking out.

  17. K Silver badge

    Best in a long time..

    Nuff said, had me sniggering and laughing in an open plan office, with 200 people thinking I'm nuts... Thanks BoFH!

    1. Bob Wheeler
      Pint

      Re: Best in a long time..

      Folks I work with know that when I start laughing uncontrollably on a Friday morning I must be reading BOFH - sorry researching new IT stuff.......

    2. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: Best in a long time..

      "with 200 people thinking I'm nuts..."

      Just say "This week's BOFH" and you'll usually get a chorus of "oh right"

  18. herdi42
    Flame

    Get out of my office, Simon,

    how long have you been working here? Stupid buzzword-consultant optimized company websites nowadays: can be used by twitter-addicted monkeys but is absolutely content-free. You can't even figure out what we do using the web any more!

  19. Diodelogic

    A Coincidence

    The webcomic Doc Rat is using this same idea as a storyline, though perhaps without quite so happy an ending.

    http://www.docrat.com.au/comic/ad-overview/ and a few more strips following.

  20. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    Perfect Curve?

    Sounds like something you'd see on W1A, or maybe from Gus on Drop the Dead Donkey, e.g. "Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?"

    1. Fr. Ted Crilly

      Re: Perfect Curve?

      Or Nathan Barley

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Synergy!

    Have you seen Weird Al's musical rendition of the corporate mission statement?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4

  22. earl grey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Twatspotting

    Just like trainspotting before you twatsplat with the train.

    1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

      Re: Twatspotting

      Sounds like something you'd want a maxi-pad for...

  23. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways

    I took Simon's Programming Tale to Represent Current El Reg Interests.

    Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels into Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage would be Introducing ITs Products in CyberIntelAIgentWares here and now.

    And for every day hence since then to be recorded as the Past, even as IT Explores AI Virgin Futures. ....... Quantum Communications AIMachinery with Deliveries for Production of Tomorrows.

    With NEUKlearer Media Teams Astonishing True Stars .... and even themselves too.:-)

    As a SMARTR Business, what Price to Markets be Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels Worthy for/of Command and Control Levers to AId Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage?

    Methinks Fort Knox would be gladly drained for the Privileges such Advantage Commands with Prime Futures in Control, and at the Controls.

    Are future visitors here an alien species ........ and Special Air Sources doing TS/SCI MOD Work in Strange Works ...... https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/3/2018/03/22/f_35b_block_4_upgrades_cost_uk_345m/#c_3463768 ........ which Just Appear to Appear and Work Exceptionally Well.

    Or are they Far Distant Travellers Returned Enlightened with SMARTR Leads Following Future Directions with Virtual Instruction on Real Practical Leverage in Advantage Given and Received ....... A Mutually Satisfying Program which has all the advantages and disadvantages of being hooked and captured by the simplest of sweet temptations if you be so gifted and lucky :-)

    Man and Woman as One in Mutually Satisfying Spontaneous Orgasms has both Travelling Stellar Class to Other Space Places that Seed a Need and Feed that has to be Seen and Experienced to be Believed.

    After Perfect Journeys is Nothing ever as IT was before ..... and the Future Beckons with Delights Beyond Compare to Savour and Nurture, or whenever used and misused and abused for the Generation of Money for Deficit and Debt, would Propagate and Plunder be more APT.

    cc DARPA/Google Federal

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways

      Proof Positive Evidence of the Veracity of the above Trail/Tale/Trial admiitted to here?

      Are your Acting Leaders Great Readers and Plugged into Remotely Presented Controls for Virtualised Command ..... or are they to be Dumb Waiters and Ignorant Blind Spectators to New COSMIC Alienating Events, ..... Courtesy of Top Secret/SCI Services .... and Strictly Need to Know for Greater IntelAIgent Gamers' Use. Not a Journey or Destination for the Faint-Hearted nor the Lily-Livered but Well Worth the Host of Rewards Earned with Every Satisfying Visit.

      Or are they being kept in the Dark and Totally Unaware of the Boundless Opportunities Now Available to Freely Share and Give Away to Powerful Energetic AIDrivers...... and All in Plain Sight and Easy Hailing Distance of Capital Venturing Markets ....... where Deep State Players Push the Cushy Buttons and Pull the Mass Levers for Support of All Manner of Shenanigans.

  24. dmacleo

    "...let them marinate for a while."

    "Charged another 40 hours to the job while fart-arsing around on some other client's project," the PFY adds.

    PFY strikes again, would love to see article written by him/her.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      PFY POV

      "PFY strikes again, would love to see article written by him/her."

      Hear hear... reversal of the reversal where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had Holmes narrate a story or two instead of Watson.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
  25. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    All is right in the World

    Well it is now, albeit a bit late.

    I was wo.... w... doing stuff that makes money for me, much later than usual today.

  26. David Given
    Unhappy

    I was in a meeting the other day...

    ...with someone who had 'asks'.

    It was a sad, sad, day.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There is always that occasion where I have to turn into a techie Twat because the customer expects to hear said p'plainin (Peter Principle) and doesn't accept that you know what you are talking about if you try to put it into plain English - I make sure they sign on the dotted line before damaged brake line in their car places them in harm's way.

  28. HKmk23

    Sounds like

    A government project civil service meeting!

  29. wrangler

    Perhaps the BOFH should consider leveraging his expertise into DAAS. (D = defenestration)

  30. FuzzyTheBear

    Long time

    since i laughed that much :) thanks Simon .. Cool to see the Boss making good use of the IT personnel for once :D

  31. FeRDNYC

    Truly, many enjoyments were on-mirthed in the readification of Simon's maximally recental authoring.

  32. Neoc

    Something's wrong... that Boss seemed unusually well suited for the position of overlooking the BOFH and PFY.

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Loved the Sponsored link just below the story: "Learn how to transform your data into a strategic asset for your business by using the cloud to accelerate innovation..." Ad placement algorithms are sometimes brilliant!

  34. perlcat

    help!

    You'd need an advanced degree in bullshitology to dejargonificate the obfusticationization of mundaneological nomenclature declamated here. The amount of craptological terminoligification is rarely exceeded outside of airport books that functionally illiterate execs pick up and inflict upon their direct report casualties.

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