back to article Millionaire-backed science fiction church to launch Scientology TV network

The Church of Scientology, founded by sci-fi author L Ron Hubbard, is set to start broadcasting its own TV programmes tonight. The Scientology Network is due to start broadcasting on Roku, AppleTV, FireTV and the Apple and Android app stores at 8pm Eastern time (or midnight for UK viewers). The network’s website and Twitter …

  1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Sounds familiar

    unscrupulous commercial operation - rumours abound that Hubbard set up Scientology as a religion so it would be tax-free, while members must pay part of their income to the church

    Sounds awfully familiar.

    Also, fuck religion.

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Sounds familiar

      Sounds not dissimilar to the likes of other institutes searching to emulate and become Institutions, with two doggedly unpopular recent examples being .... a Tony Blair Institute with Bill and Hillary Clinton Foundations

      1. Michael Habel Silver badge

        Re: Sounds familiar

        Wow you were able to get away with that kind of yap here? I was under the delusion that we werent alowed to speak ill of her majesty Mrs. H.R.C.

    2. Keith Oborn

      Re: Sounds familiar

      Some years ago there was a strong meme in the SF community that the legendary White Hart pub meetings of the late 40s and early 50s had a hand in this: Ken Bulmer and Arthur Clarke, after several pints, decided that the way to make a lot of money was to found a fake religion. Elron was listening, and relatively sober.

      1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Re: Sounds familiar

        Some years ago there was a strong meme in the SF community that the legendary White Hart pub meetings of the late 40s and early 50s had a hand in this:

        The version I've heard blamed a remark from Heinlein during a poker game.

        1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

          Re: Sounds familiar

          And versions suggesting also that it was a bet between Hubbard and Heinlein. Stranger in a Strange Land, anyone?

          1. WonkoTheSane

            Re: Sounds familiar

            Not Heinlein, Harlan Ellison.

            1. bombastic bob Silver badge
              Facepalm

              Re: Sounds familiar

              and yet, it seems that Elron actually BELIEVED his own B.S. - or else he was an excellent actor.

              Also worth pointing out, why do SO many celebs fall for this obvious bullcrap? are they THAT desperate for meaning to their otherwise vacuous lives that they MUST fill it with *THAT* ???

              1. Michael Habel Silver badge

                Re: Sounds familiar

                The meaning of Life... Along with the Universe, and Everything... Is Fourty-Two.... So that's, that solved.

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Sounds familiar

                Also worth pointing out, why do SO many celebs fall for this obvious bullcrap? are they THAT desperate for meaning to their otherwise vacuous lives that they MUST fill it with *THAT* ???

                I would guess that they usually get introduced to the cult entirely legitimate religion by a friend who is already in the fold. The introduction includes an "auditing" session, wherein they are asked increasingly personal questions. After that, they simply need to be reminded about the recording of embarrassing and/or incriminating things which they've admitted to, whereupon they're "encouraged" to undertake more auditing. Over the years, I imagine the cult entirely legitimate religion are able to gather quite the collection of ruinous confessions from the celeb.

              3. dan1980

                Re: Sounds familiar

                @bombastic bob

                "Also worth pointing out, why do SO many celebs fall for this obvious bullcrap?"

                I think that one factor is that the experience 'celebs' have in Scientology is vastly different to the experience the common folk have.

                At the simplest level, the expenses just isn't ruinous for the high-paid celebs as it can and does become for 'normal' people. Their public lives mean they don't work for the Church the same way some of the more abused members do and they aren't as reliant on the church for their sense of identity or self worth.

                In other words, the power structure is very different.

                In an interview, Leah Remini explained that celebrities in Scientology are lionised (my word, paraphrasing) and have servants drawn from the rank and file. So, while 'ordinary' Scientology members have little to no power over even their own lives, celebrities of sufficient stature are given power over those of others.

                Whatever the specifics, the very existence of a Scientology 'Celebrity Centres' is sufficient indication of the differing experiences that can be had.

              4. Richard Plinston Silver badge

                Re: Sounds familiar

                > why do SO many celebs fall for this obvious bullcrap?

                Because they are _paid_. It is a sponsorship deal just like dozens of commercial products.

                The primary reason that victims fall for Scientology is that they are failures and this cult shows them that their failure is NOT THEIR FAULT. It is the fault of 'invisible Thetans' and this can be 'cleared' (along with their bank account). 'Sponsoring' successful celebrities and inventing stories that they were failures until they found Scientology is great marketing.

                It is _all_ about the money.

                > it seems that Elron actually BELIEVED his own B.S.

                I don't know why you would think that. If the story that Dianetics was based on a book that he found is true, and it is certainly true that the rest of Scientology is based on his crap SciFi, then what he believed was that lots of money and teenage girls were his reward.

            2. Tim Jenkins

              Re: Sounds familiar

              What kind of sick, twisted individual would be making bets with Harlan Ellison?

              Oh, right, L. Ron.....

              1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

                Re: Sounds familiar

                But, we had best find a replacement for it.

                Why not scrap it all together?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sounds familiar

        "was to found a fake religion"

        How would you define 'fake'? Religeons are our fictional inventions.

        1. dan1980

          Re: Sounds familiar

          @AC

          "How would you define 'fake'?"

          For me, I think a key indicator is going from zero foundational material to full-blown, registered and recruiting religion in the space of one person's lifetime.

          The closest 'mainstream' comparison is Mormonism but even that differs sharply because, first, it built upon Christian foundations and, second, it grew far more organically.

          The dicta and dogmata of Scientology were fabricated out of whole cloth largely by one person. They were not the accretion and evolution of tribal wisdoms and beliefs or appropriated religions; they were not the results of gradual morphing via a series of 'Chinese whispers' or local practices and mythologies that took on authoritative tones when collected and codified.

          It has been commented that the only difference between accepted religions and 'cults' is time. While perhaps accurate, it is overly simplistic as the addition of time changes a great deal and a religion that has survived for centuries must undergo stresses and changes that a 'religion' that sprang up last week has not been subjected to. Just as important, those practicing and passing-on the religion now are removed from the source and beginnings and so there is, in a way, less culpability on their part. They may have neglected to fully analyse and dissect the religion with a ruthlessly critical and rational methodology but that is less of a failing than those who jump on board something that only came into existence within living memory.

          The whole 'mad, bad or god' option breakdown is fitting when dealing with someone like L. Ron. He was either genuinely inspired and tapped into something real or he didn't. If he didn't, he was either out of his tree or deliberately scammed people. Of course, it's possible he was both of the latter, at different stages: first cynically scamming and then addled and believing his own stories.

          The point is that the process through the centuries actually changes the thing that makes the trip so, while one might contend (and I, personally, do) that all religions - small and large - have no metaphysical truth behind them, that doesn't make them all 'fake', per se.

    3. TheVogon Silver badge

      Re: Sounds familiar

      Isnt it these guys that offer free gullibility tests near London railway stations?

    4. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: Sounds familiar

      On the whole, and to a point yes.... But, we had best find a replacement for it. before some other "Religion" profound for its "peacfullness" decides to litter another Street Fair with dead corpses again. So on the one hand... Yeah fork religion! On the other is the question of our cultural identity. Not perticually something I wish to see die. 'cause of a few really anoying holly rollers.

    5. TheVogon Silver badge

      Re: Sounds familiar

      I guess at least what they believe in is no less credible than most other religeons:

      https://youtu.be/Bo97LdIHj74

    6. TheVogon Silver badge

      Re: Sounds familiar

      "Hubbard set up Scientology as a religion"

      A science fiction author "discovers" a religion that includes aliens and space travel! Who would have thought it...

  2. AndrueC Silver badge
    Facepalm

    The network’s website and Twitter channels both have ominous-looking countdowns to the big launch, which is timed to coincide with the day Hubbard was born, 13 March.

    Well if they timed it to coincide with his death it'd probably cause controversy amongst the faithful :)

    "Scientology leaders announced that his body had become an impediment to his work and that he had decided to "drop his body" to continue his research on another planet,[331] having "learned how to do it without a body""

    Uh huh

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Trollface

      RE: AndrueC

      Fascinating. Did they say how he moves the pen without a body?

      1. AndrueC Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: RE: AndrueC

        Did they say how he moves the pen without a body?

        Sadly the Wikipedia article doesn't elucidate and I'm not interested in following the footnote link on an article about the crackpot leader of a crackpot/evil religious organisation :)

        I'll admit to reading (and enjoying(*)) Battlefield Earth 30 years ago - bought with a £5 gift voucher for good school attendance - but I am not an advocate for Scientology. I wouldn't be an advocate for any religious organisation although if pushed I could be persuaded to retaliate by rejoining Humanists UK aka BHA.

        (*)The first half was good fun. The second half got bogged down in minutiae (how to prevent reverse engineering and how a gold-standard banking system works).

        1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: RE: AndrueC

          Fair enough. You've probably gotta become a level 100 operating Thetan to do it then.

          Scientology - the religion for RPG gamers. It's pay to win and you can level up and gain special magic powers!

          1. Michael Habel Silver badge

            Re: RE: AndrueC

            Makes you wonder how many happy souls from EA, and Konami happen to worship there?

  3. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Pint

    Z-lister club

    L. Ron Hubbard, infamous for printing his own qualifications and proving vegetables could feel pain. Decades later and his church is still experimenting on vegetables.

    1. Ilsa Loving

      Re: Z-lister club

      What do you mean? Of course vegetables feel pain.

      I've heard the screams of the vegetables,

      Watching their skins being peeled.

      Grated and chopped without mercy...

      How do you think that feels?

      Carrot juice constitutes murder.

      Greenhouses prison for slaves!

      It's time to stop all this gardening,

      lets call a spade a spade!

      1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Z-lister club

        Just ask Barry the sprout. Or his twin brother Larry....

        Mines the one with the book of ultimate truths in the breast pocket.....

        1. bombastic bob Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Z-lister club

          When I was 4 years old I distinctly remember having a dream in which my sister and I were eaten by a lion and got turned into poo. Anthromorphic poo. I suppose vegetables feeil pain when we turn THEM into poo. So I should be a 100% carnivore [at least the animals are DEAD].

          So how can I turn _THIS_ into a religion so _I_ can be a gozillionaire with an infinite number of women to have sex with at my command, ordering people around and acting like an evil dictator all the time, muahahahahaha!

          [it'd be a bit like being the 'dear leader' of North Korea]

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Z-lister club

            "[at least the animals are DEAD]."

            That's true. But how do you know when a strawberry is dead?

        2. Michael Habel Silver badge

          Re: Z-lister club

          Must be that wholy remarkable Book to ever come out of the eastern galatic rim.

      2. Dodgy Geezer Silver badge

        Re: Z-lister club

        "...shedding the green blood of our silent cousins.."

        G K Chesterton

      3. Michael Habel Silver badge

        Re: Z-lister club

        “Well,” said the animal, “I know many vegetables that are clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am.”

        The World would be a much better, and happier place if this were to ever come 'round to passing. But, this is my favorite way to troll those anoying wretched vegetarians.

    2. adnim Silver badge

      Re: Z-lister club

      "Call any vegetable. And the chances are good. That a vegetable will respond to you."

      I would pray to the spirit of Frank Zappa if I didn't think such action was only slightly less pointless* than praying to one of the gods we have created.

      *Frank actually existed, so I conclude there is more chance of a reply.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: Z-lister club

        2 weeks ago I kept thinking of Frank Zappa. Every time I checked the Met Office app on my phone and saw the message: "Warning Yellow Snow".

        I'm afraid this provided me childish amusement for the whole week. I assume I'll grow up eventually. Not much sign of it yet though...

      2. Jaap Aap

        Re: Z-lister club

        Didn't Frank Zappa start his own church? The Church of American Secular Humanism. CASH for short.

  4. wolfetone Silver badge

    Will they be showing the Louis Theroux documentary on Scientology?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      24x7 Hypno-Toad

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        The Joy of Sect

        1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

          Anyone got a pair of Hoffman glasses? Contact lenses are fine as well...

        2. Michael Habel Silver badge

          Everything you never wanted to know about sect's, and were forced to find out...

      2. TheVogon Silver badge

        "24x7 Hypno-Toad"

        And BattleStar Gallactica.

        For the Scilons...

        1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
          Stop

          Battlestar Galactica (TOS at least) was pretty obviously based on Mormonism (Kobol/Kolob etc.).

        2. Toni the terrible
          Headmaster

          Scilons?

          Surely Cylons?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It certainly won't be showing anything about psychiatry other than it being the work of the devil.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        It'll be presented by Maureen Lipman, going "ooh, he's got an Ology"

    3. King Jack
      Angel

      Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

      If you want an insight on the damage a religion can cause watch this show. It focuses on Scientology but I can tell you from first hand experience that Jehovah's Witnesses are nearly as bad. In fact all cults operate this way.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

        "Jehovah's Witnesses are nearly as bad. In fact all cults operate this way"

        No. Only Scientology employs a gaggle of lawyers to sue opponents into submission. And Islam is the only sect which encourages followers to behead non-believers ("So, when you clash with the unbelieving Infidels in battle, smite their necks until you overpower them": Koran 47:4).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

          Um...

          Luke 19:27 - -Kill the non believers

          1 Samuel 15:2-3 -- kill the non-believers, their children, and their cows.

          Deuteronomy 17:2-5 -- stone the non believers

          Hosea 13:16 -- rip open pregnant women, nice.

          Exodus 31:15 -- Kill anyone working on Sunday

          Zechariah 13:3 -- Kill false prophets (job to be performed by the prophet's parents)

          2 Kings 2:23-24 -- Don't make fun of bald people, or a bear will kill you and 41 of your friends.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

            Re: Um...

            All but one of those quotes are from the Old Testament, the violence of which was repudiated in the New Testament. The Old Testament is largely the same thing as the Torah and Muslims hold parts of the Old Testament to be sacred. And the first was from a story that Jesus told, so you took it out of context.

            Not to mention that Christians don't go around beheading people or killing former believers. Except for the recent situation in the Balkans, which is complicated by the history of the Ottoman Empire, Christians largely stopped killing others around 1700.

            You won't look at the link because your mind is closed, but the below link contains 109 quotes from the Koran exhorting Muslims to violence.

            https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/violence.aspx

            1. Alistair Silver badge
              Windows

              Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

              @AC sucked into the current war on terror islam is bad terror TERROR TERROR PEADOS!!! fear mongering by the folks that brought you Agent Orange and the F-35.

              I will point out that there are extremists in *all* religions, and many of them are active in many religions right now, if one pays attention to world news

              The 'old testaments' are the link that tie dozens of variations of religions together and turn them into disasters. Wafting the 'new testaments' about and calling them the repudiation of the old testaments indicates that you are a devout of one or another christian church, and have not spent the time to read them, since there are equally vile segments in the new testaments.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

                "The 'old testaments' are the link that tie dozens of variations of religions together and turn them into disasters."

                And storing them like a toilet roll and calling them the "Torah" doesn't change that.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

              "Not to mention that Christians don't go around beheading people or killing former believers. "

              ummmm...

              Northern Ireland?

              Eric Rudolph in the US?

              Central African Republic?

              Note that I'm not trying to deny that any Islamic-fundamentalist based violence exists (but you're asking us to believe that Christian violance. Nor am I trying to argue that the verses need to be taken at face value (but we're supposed to take Koran readings at face value).

              Here's a curve ball for your melon: which US president said the following quote?

              "I also want to speak tonight directly to Muslims throughout the world. We respect your faith. It's practiced freely by many millions of Americans, and by millions more in countries that America counts as friends. Its teachings are good and peaceful, and those who commit evil in the name of Allah blaspheme the name of Allah. The terrorists are traitors to their own faith, trying, in effect, to hijack Islam itself."

          2. Michael Habel Silver badge

            Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

            How many Bears do you think they have in Egypt & the Middle East anyway?

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

              "How many Bears do you think they have in Egypt & the Middle East anyway?"

              Not too many. But do they have the right to arm bears there? That might have a bearing on the matter.

          3. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

            Being bald myself, I heartily approve of the last one.

            Nowadays of course, thanks to social media, it's easy to find 41 friends you don't particularly care about, or for that matter even know.

        2. Pascal Monett Silver badge

          Re: "Islam is the only sect"

          WRONG.

          Go back and relearn what a sect is.

          It is not because some misguided islamic extremists have done some YouTube beheading that you should lump all followers of Islam in the same boat.

          Scientology is a sect. Jehova's Witnesses is a sect. Any pseudo-religion that attempts to take your money and estrange you from your family is a sect. Any "religion" whose teachings you have to pay to learn is definitely a sect and something to be avoided.

          Islam is most definitely NOT a sect. Islam, Judaism and Christianism all hold to the Old Testament. They have that in common.

          Now if you want to take only the extremist side of things, you don't need to go as far as Islam. Just visit your nearest abortion clinic and watch the so-called Christians screaming bloody murder threats at the people working there.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "Islam is the only sect"

            "Go back and relearn what a sect is"

            The Free Dictionary defines sect as "a religious group regarded as extreme or heretical," including both Shia and Sunni under the category of sect. Any group which believes that it has the right to kill non-believers, kill former believers, kill people who insult their religion, and enslave believers of other religions is extreme.

            According to Pew Research, the percentage of Muslims who favor making sharia, i.e. Islamic law, the law of the land is 40% in Palestinian territories, 74% in Egypt, 99% in Afghanistan, 71% in Jordan, 12% in Turkey, 91% in Iraq, and 20% in Kosovo.

            The percentage of Muslims who believe that sharia should apply to both Muslims and non-Muslims is 44% in Palestinian territories, 74% in Egypt, 61% in Afghanistan, 58% in Jordan, 43% in Turkey, 38% in Iraq, and 31% in Kosovo.

            The percentage of Muslims who believe that suicide bombings are justified to defend Islam is 40% in Palestinian territories, 29% in Egypt, 39% in Afghanistan, 15% in Jordan, 15% in Turkey, 7% in Iraq, and 11% in Kosovo.

            In other words, it's definitely NOT only a small percentage of Muslims who hold extreme views.

            http://www.pewforum.org/2013/04/30/the-worlds-muslims-religion-politics-society-overview/

            http://www.pewforum.org/2013/04/30/the-worlds-muslims-religion-politics-society-beliefs-about-sharia/#should-sharia-apply-to-all-citizens

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: "Islam is the only sect"

              "In other words, it's definitely NOT only a small percentage of Muslims who hold extreme views."

              What about the Muslims and similar foreigners in say the UK?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "Islam is the only sect"

            'WRONG.

            Go back and relearn what a sect is.'

            sect: a group of people with somewhat different religious beliefs (typically regarded as heretical) from those of a larger group to which they belong.

            Sooo, taking Judaism as the root religion here (we won't delve into the mire that is proto-Judaism), Christianity is a Judaic sect, the notable bones of contention being that Judaism rejects the Christ character being the Judaic Messiah and as to that whole meshuge 'son of God' business...

            Now Islam, that's funnier, as they accept that the character known as Christ is one of their prophets, and only a prophet, you might be tempted to regard them as a Christian sect, but as they also regard the Christ character as the Judaic Messiah minus all that 'Son of God' nonsense the Christians attach to that word, then they could be more properly regarded as a Judaic sect.

            You almost got there when you wrote 'Islam, Judaism and Christianism all hold to the Old Testament. They have that in common.', more or less stated there that Islam and Christianity are Judaic sects as the Old Testament stuff is theirs.

            A sect doesn't just have to be a small bunch of 'relidges'

            Scientology is a sect..

            Ah, I see, no, the word you're apparently looking for here is cult, their 'mythos' is a somewhat unique (and heavily copyrighted and trademarked..) mishmash of 'Golden Age' pulp SF, cod psychology and fin de siècle occultism, you'd have to stretch the definition of sect pretty far to even begin to make the Sciloons an offshoot of the O.T.O. or any other group that LRH may (or may not) have infiltrated/been a member of.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: "Islam is the only sect"

              "Now Islam, that's funnier,"

              The background of the Koran and associated fiction was a direct rip-off of early Christianity with a bit of spicing up to suit. e.g. 4 wives allowed, etc.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: "Islam is the only sect"

                'The background of the Koran and associated fiction was a direct rip-off of early Christianity with a bit of spicing up to suit. e.g. 4 wives allowed, etc.'

                Aye, but the problem is do you then treat Islam then as a breakaway Christian sect (which, I've been told by a Muslim friend, is a rather good way to start an argument/holy war depending on how tolerant the Muslim is you posit this to) or as just another contemporary-to-what-became-Christianity Judaic sect which segued into Islam with Mohammed at the helm, one which quite happily accepted the whole Judaic Messiah bit about the character known as Jesus, but balked on the whole 'Avatar of Yahweh' thing? (People's Front of Judea as opposed to Judean People's Front..)

                Re the 4 wives, historically Judaism has always been a bit weird on polygamy, it wasn't totally proscribed as far as I can remember (unlike polyandry, which was) but was permitted for a whole bunch of specific reasons, and from what I can remember Christianity went down the monogamy road early on when it became Romanised (as the Romans were on the whole monogamous)..though ISTR there was some (belatedly) continued fun about the subject after the Reformation amongst the Protestant churches...

      2. Long John Brass Silver badge

        Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

        In fact all cults operate this way.

        It's only a cult while the guy who started it is alive, after that its a religion :)

        1. bombastic bob Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

          what primarily defines a cult has several aspects to it:

          a) hierarchical authoritarian leadership, wielding control over your personal life

          b) punishment for non-compliance/rebellion

          c) manipulation (emotional or other types of coercion)

          These things alone (unfortunately) aren't necessarily a guarantee that it's a cult, but if you see all three in an organization, it's probably time to leave. If nothing else, it's a recipe for abuse.

          Also, you have to lie down to be a doormat. Just sayin'

          I came to the conclusion long ago that a number of people get involved in a church or religion so that they can have control over other people's lives, and there's enough people WANTING others to control them, that they have plenty of willing victims showing up. Both sides of this (in my opinion) represent some kind of psycnological disorder, and I wouldn't even begin to guess how to cure that. I doubt therapy would be enough. Problems like _THAT_ are most likely too deep.

          That, of course, does not in any way impugn that those others NOT in the above 2 categories have something wrong with them for attending a church or being part of a religion. Most likely they're just regular people who happen to be religious, like maybe half of the world's population...

          /me thinks: party in hell, I'll bring the liquor. it beats hot cocoa and s'mores

          1. TheVogon Silver badge

            Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

            "what primarily defines a cult has several aspects to it:"

            So for instance the Catholic Church?

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

              and all the protestant churces from the Wee Free onwards

        2. Mog_X

          Re: Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath

          A cult is a small unpopular religion.

          A religion is a large popular cult.

  5. Ilsa Loving

    "Rumored"?

    Wasn't Hubbard specifically quoted as setting up scientology specifically to be a money-making operation?

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge

      Re: "Rumored"?

      "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."

      As quoted in the article "Scientology: Anatomy of a Frightening Cult" by Eugene H. Methvin.

  6. WonkoTheSane
    WTF?

    I hope it's a subscription channel

    So I can file under NOPE!

    1. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: I hope it's a subscription channel

      So... Um whos holding the Gun to your Gulliver, forceing you to watch this? Last I heard it was only on the Internet.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Have just read "Strange Angel" by George Pendle; it's a biography of Jack Parsons who was a pioneering rocket experimenter in the 30s and 40s. As well as working to develop JATO for the US Army he was a follower of Aleister Crowley the 'magician' and cult founder. Hubbard is one of the interesting people he met in Pasadena. According to the book, Hubbard pinched Parson's girlfriend and $20k.

  8. Korev Silver badge
    Joke

    Adverts for holidays

    Does anyone think the station will have adverts for Tom Cruises?

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: Adverts for holidays

      'Fancy a short break? Book a Tom Cruise today - you'll be smiling!!'

    2. bobajob12
      Coat

      Re: Adverts for holidays

      One good thing about them...they're very short.

      1. 's water music Silver badge

        Re: Adverts for holidays

        Tom Cruises

        do they stray outside the closet?

        1. TheVogon Silver badge

          Re: Adverts for holidays

          "Tom Cruises

          do they stray outside the closet?"

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQ4xvTK2FLI

  9. SVV Silver badge

    Hmmm, who's broadcasting this shite?

    " The Scientology Network is due to start broadcasting on Roku, AppleTV, FireTV and the Apple and Android app stores"

    Well, that's a relief then. They certain won't reach any gullible fools who are willing to part with their money for crap by broadcasting on THOSE platforms!

    It'll probably be on Freeview before long, what whith there already apparently being space in the limited bandwidth for cheesy unbelievangelical cash hungry preacher channels, jewelery tat emporiums, RT, etc.........

    1. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Hmmm, who's broadcasting this shite?

      Except it's STREAMING. Broadcast is quite a different thing, only using identical data for everyone and rather rare outside a LAN. WiFi has to do it by duplicating the UDP stream for each client unless some newer version has added a true broadcast mode. Also with Broadcast there is only linear scheduling and everyone has same data at the same time (+/- distribution latency).

      LTE's broadcast mode is really a customised DTT so as to sell Scheduled Broadcast PayTV if Ofcom manages to sell off all terrestrial TV spectrum. Qualcomm did a Broadcast trial for Mobile in UK. Nokia long ago had a handset with DVB-h and there were some handsets in Germany with DVB-t, but neither mobile operators, regulators or phone makers can get revenue from DVB-T in a phone.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

    Said absolutely no one ever.

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

      Mehh, anything to bury that awful movie...!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

        Time for my favourite New York Times review! Written in May 2000:

        "It may be a bit early to make such judgements, but ''Battlefield Earth'' may well turn out to be the worst movie of this century."

        http://www.nytimes.com/movie/review?res=9C05EEDF173BF931A25756C0A9669C8B63

        We're 18 years in now and his prediction seems to be holding up pretty well...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

          You may be right however we have since then had Catwoman.

          1. bombastic bob Silver badge
            Devil

            Re: Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

            "You may be right however we have since then had Catwoman all of those movies that get Oscars because nobody would ever watch them, otherwise."

            fixed.

        2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

          Re: Great news, I might get to see Battlefield Earth the series.

          "It may be a bit early to make such judgements, but ''Battlefield Earth'' may well turn out to be the worst movie of this century." ..... We're 18 years in now and his prediction seems to be holding up pretty well... .... AC

          A Series of Blockbusting Blockbuster Remakes with Straplines Engaged to Mobilise the English Language and Send IT into Battles is more than just an HyperRadioProACTive IT AI Field on Earth, for such also Commands and Controls Almighty Forces with Superb Sublimely Secret Sources in Cyber Spaces and every Nook and Cranny of Virtual Places too.

          From Novel Advanced IntelAIgents, there is No Known or Available Hiding Place. Not Anywhere Ever.

  11. Claptrap314 Bronze badge

    Join new group alt.talk.scientology?

    What a day....

    1. Velv Silver badge
      Coat

      I thought the only thing left on Usenet was pornography and abuse. Oh, wait..

  12. Jon Smit

    I know where it won't be seen.

    Is scientology still on Germany's shit list ?

    Will their transmissions be checked for subliminal messages?

    1. jonfr

      Re: I know where it won't be seen.

      Yes and Germany is continuing to search for ways to sue them out of Germany and preferably all of Europe. This cult also appears to be big in Sweden and in Denmark.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I know where it won't be seen.

        'Yes and Germany is continuing to search for ways to sue them out of Germany and preferably all of Europe.'

        Damn!, a wild sensible reason for staying in the EU finally appears....

  13. Spaller

    I thought...

    I thought Xenu and the Thetans were a rock band...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Battle of the Extremes

    Scientology TV vs. One America News. Go!

  15. Youngone Silver badge

    Can't fault their record keeping

    Sometime about 1983 or so, I was hanging about downtown with a group of mates when we were approached by a group of attractive, chesty young ladies.

    We did what any young man would do and followed them to their office, where the scam was soon revealed. Disappointment ensued, but we had learned a lesson.

    Curiously, last year, (34 year later maybe?) an envelope arrived at my house containing a brochure on time keeping and two letters written in Chinese on Scientology letterhead which raised a couple of questions.

    First of all, my surname might be construed as Chinese, but isn't. I asked a Chinese colleague if he could tell me what the letters said, but he seemed to think they were either written by a small child or someone who was learning Chinese.

    Second question: 34 years later I have moved house lots of times, how did they track me down? Also, why?

    Weird.

    1. Gene Cash Silver badge

      Re: Can't fault their record keeping

      I'd think that's no different than other spam "tracking you down"

      I'm sure they can buy dodgy address lists like anybody else.

      1. Youngone Silver badge

        Re: Can't fault their record keeping

        True. I'm on the electoral roll also now I think of it.

        Still, 34 years is a long time.

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Can't fault their record keeping

        you might try taping the envelope to a brick, writing "return to sender" on it, and making sure that it arrives at their office with postage due...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Can't fault their record keeping

      'Second question: 34 years later I have moved house lots of times, how did they track me down?'

      Your obviously nasty engrams man, It would not surprise me that they've developed an e-meter equipped version of the fabled TV detector van...

      It's Audit time boyo...do not resist, you've had 34 years to save up the thousands of £$€ required of thee¹, you know Xenu does not want you to be clear..so become OT8! (only $277,010, give or take...and boy, do the Co$ know how to take)

      ¹ Serious point, they've the infrastructure to find out exactly how much you're worth..no profit in trying to milk a dry cow after all.

    3. VictimMildew

      Re: Can't fault their record keeping

      It took me many years to shake the bastards off after I was stupid enough to agree to read a copy of Dianetics handed to me by someone I'd always thought of as a friend. That he then charged me for the book should have given me pause but I was so taken aback I actually paid him.

      They kept sending me letters asking me my thoughts on the book. I think they eventually gave up after I told them that, though it made lousy toilet paper, I'd finally managed to finish it without reading a word.

  16. Richard Plinston Silver badge

    Dianetics, the book

    It was alleged, probably by Heinlen, that the book 'Dianetics' which started Scientology, was plagiarized by Elron. He had found a copy of a book in a 2nd hand shop in Paris, this had been written by a frenchman in the early 1930s and had been self published with a print run of just a 100 or so, most of which hadn't sold. Elron's Dianetics is primarily a translation of that.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Theme Song For The Scientology Network

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Some people think it funny but it's really rather runny.

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Tom Cruise knows it's there cuz he checked his underwear...

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    No Pain No Strain Flush those Thetans Down the Drain

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    Dianetics Uhh Uh

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: Theme Song For The Scientology Network

      I'm having trouble putting that to music in my head...

  18. John Crisp

    Science

    Well, I'll be Hubbard!

  19. Voyna i Mor Silver badge
    Coat

    Tottenham Court Road, early 1970s.

    After extensive research I discovered that an Avometer Mk. 8 on resistance range does a better job of testing your personality than the one Scientologists use. I got an accurate reading with a digital one once, but that was a fluke.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Tottenham Court Road, early 1970s.

      I should make one of those my next I.O.T. project

  20. handleoclast Silver badge
    Coat

    I hope the station shows Mork and Mindy

    'Cos I always loved the way Mork ended every episode by saying "Xenu, Xenu."

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah, those enturbulation days

    Brings back such fond memories of decent presences on QVS and TCR.

    And the odd poke at SHM in EG.

    Those were the days!

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "coerced abortions"

    What's wrong with that? The less children brought up by religious nutters, the better.

    Of course this goes for every religion, perhaps not for logicism, darwinism, sagaism and other think-for-yourself world views.

    1. TheVogon Silver badge

      "The less children brought up by religious nutters, the better."

      And the fewer children, better still...

  23. Long John Brass Silver badge
    Alien

    Xenu is a lightweight

    All hail Chtulu!

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Xenu is a lightweight

      Cthulhu - spell it right! Otherwise, he who normally should not be named in polite company may become *DISPLEASED*. I can't imagine what Cthulhu's wrath might ent[r]ail...

      /me once knew a guy who had a T shirt "Cthulhu saves"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: guy who had a T shirt "Cthulhu saves"

        Ob: "in case he's hungry later"

        ... or was that Yog-Sothoth?

        1. Roj Blake Silver badge

          Re: guy who had a T shirt "Cthulhu saves"

          Cthulhu saves, but Nyarlathotep makes incremental backups

          1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

            Re: guy who had a T shirt "Cthulhu saves"

            "Cthulhu saves, but Nyarlathotep makes incremental backups"

            So that's what the Pyramids really were: data safes for all those backup tablets.

          2. Huw D
            Coat

            Re: guy who had a T shirt "Cthulhu saves"

            "Cthulhu saves, but Nyarlathotep scores from the rebound", surely?

          3. Ken Hagan Gold badge

            Re: Cthulhu saves, but Nyarlathotep makes incremental backups

            Now *that's* what I call a T-shirt.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So bad..

    Had never seen Battlefield Earth but after looking at a couple of hilarious reviews on YouTube I now feel strangely compelled to watch it.

    Am disappointed that the new channel won’t be available on Freeview so I could see what other shite that bunch of Scientology scammers can turn out.

    Perhaps a programme staring John Travolta, Tom Cruise ( on Battlefield Earth stilts) and that creepy eyed Kirsty Alley.

    It seems that a really bad movie won’t kill off real talking, Forest Whitaker seems to have got over it as did Bradley Cooper for All about Steve (which is currently my worst movie)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So bad..

      Or even kill off real talent, damn iPhone predictive text

  25. unwarranted triumphalism

    I'm surprised no one here has cut themselves on their edginess.

  26. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Will its grip on reality be more or less tenuous than Fox "News"?

  27. Mage Silver badge

    Scientology Network is due to start broadcasting

    But we don't have to watch it.

    Actually aren't those all STREAMING. Broadcast doesn't need RF or Cable, but it's extremely rare on the Internet.

  28. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    a scientologist, a jehova's witness and a seventh day adventist

    Walked into a bar.

    Everyone else left.

    1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: a scientologist, a jehova's witness and a seventh day adventist

      After various experiments with Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and the like, I have discovered that a polite "No thank you" is the safest option. It doesn't leave much conversational entry.

      But should I find myself in a room with a Scientologist I may feel the strong temptation go go and get a vacuum cleaner and tell them it's for hoovering up the Thetans as they fall off.

      1. onefang Silver badge

        Re: a scientologist, a jehova's witness and a seventh day adventist

        'After various experiments with Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and the like, I have discovered that a polite "No thank you" is the safest option. It doesn't leave much conversational entry.'

        My favourite tactic is to turn my head away from the door, and shout to some one in the other room "The virgins are here, we can start the Satanic Mass now!".

  29. This post has been deleted by its author

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019