back to article Vatican sets up dedicated exorcism training course

The Vatican cannot be accused of lack of interest in the continued professional development of its staff. Just look at the dedicated exorcism training course it set out this week for clergy interested in advancing their skills. Apparently it was set up to cope with demand after the number of requests for such services tripled …

  1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    How do they tell if their ghostbuster made mistakes in the exorcism since you can't prove ghosts are real in the first place?

    I'd certainly like to see how that disciplinary process is challenged.

  2. Alan J. Wylie

    the number of requests for such services tripled in Italy over the space of a few years

    CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN

    Charlie was right.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Gozer's obnoxious mutt, the one gnawing on my car rear left tyre outside, would like to disagree.

    2. Uffish

      Ghostbusters

      I hate to be prosaic about an activity with so much comic potential but no one wants exorcism until it there are problems for humans, and providing a successful exorcism service requires happier humans after the exorcism. That requires some considerable skill however you look at it, hence the recommendation of an apprenticeship period.

      1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Ghostbusters

        "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

        1. HieronymusBloggs

          Re: Ghostbusters

          "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

          That's the spirit.

          1. Swarthy Silver badge

            Re: Ghostbusters

            If you don't pay up, do you get re-possessed?

          2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Ghostbusters

            "Satisfaction GUARANTEED! Or your ghost back!"

            That's the spirit.

            Holy Ghost!

        2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          ECTO-1

          The "new" Popemobile?

        3. quxinot Silver badge

          Re: Ghostbusters

          Holy crap. I never knew that Holy Water was homeopathic....

          1. onefang

            Re: Ghostbusters

            "Holy crap. I never knew that Holy Water was homeopathic...."

            I think you mean holy piss, not holy crap.

    3. sisk Silver badge
      Headmaster

      If my memory on the matter is correct, they wouldn't be dealing with ghosts. I think that any spirits of the deceased in Catholic belief are all in Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory, leaving only demonic and angelic entities roaming around in the world. Though given that I am not and have never been a Catholic I could be mistaken. Not that angels and demons would be any more possible to prove scientifically than ghosts mind you.

      Also I think that the belief is that mistakes would either result in a failed exorcism or the exorcist would risk becoming possessed themselves.

      1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        @sisk

        Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts and, if so, what does the Pope suggests one does about them?

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          Jewish ghosts

          @Inventor of the Marmite Laser

          Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts

          Jewish ghosts would not be "working" on the Sabbath

        2. paulf Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: @sisk

          @Inventor of the Marmite Laser "Which, of course, begs the question: are there any Jewish ghosts...?"

          There must be as they were popular enough to spawn a sitcom called So Haunt Me in 1992 about, "A suburban family find their new home is still occupied by the ghost of its previous owner, a middle-aged Jewish woman."

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @sisk

          > are there any Jewish ghosts

          Yep.

          > what does the Pope suggests one does about them?

          Dunno. Convert them?

      2. Tail Up

        Does God have lungs, hands, eyes, legs, head? The Testament says Yes.

        But how do the seraphymes sing hallelujah if they have only head and a six wings?

        Cannot sleep trying to understand. Please clear it up for me, anyone.

        1. onefang

          "But how do the seraphymes sing hallelujah if they have only head and a six wings?"

          They flap their wings at audio frequencies.

    4. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Happy

      the number of requests for such services tripled in Italy over the space of a few years

      Who ya gonna call?

      // ain't afraid of no ghosts

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        > Who ya gonna call?

        Those! Bastards!!!

        Misheard lyrics, etc.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      They just teach them rm systemd*

    6. TheVogon Silver badge

      This is of course in reality the Flying Spaghetti Monster's noodly appendage just keeping Catholics occupied while he runs the multiverse.

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Debbie_Wasserman_Schultz

      - Demon or Lizard person? Hard to see from The Publicity Shot!. In any case contact with this entity should not be attempted without a proper containment grid.

  3. TRT Silver badge

    Does this course incur a fee?

    And, if so, can you pay using papal?

    Are there course materials required? Exorcise books and the like.

    1. Steve K Silver badge

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      May need some Popery to rid the room of unsavoury odours too?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. wolfetone

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        These puns are making me Cross.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      I would tell you but then I could be seen as pontificating.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        Please stop, we'll have nun of these puns please...

    3. Scott Broukell
      Coat

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      Either way, you still have to pay the VATican.

      1. sisk Silver badge

        Re: Does this course incur a fee?

        I need to find a sanctuary from these puns.

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          Re: Does this course incur a fee?

          Anyone else wanting to launch a frightfully clever pun: please only spook when you are spooken to.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Does this course incur a fee?

      It depends, the devil is in the detail.

  4. kryptonaut
    Boffin

    Exorcism Lesson 1

    Benigno Palilla: Don't cross the streams.

    Novice Exorcist: Why?

    Benigno Palilla: It would be bad.

    Novice Exorcist: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad"?

    Benigno Palilla: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

    Cardinal Fang: [shocked gasp] Total protonic reversal.

    Novice Exorcist: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Benigno.

    1. ArrZarr Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Exorcism Lesson 1

      Ximinez: Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and faith...faithand surprise.... Our two weapons are faith and surprise...and making a quick buck.... Our *three* weapons are faith, and surprise, and making a quick buck...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as faith, surprise.... I'll come in again.

    2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Exorcism Lesson 1

      Benigno Palilla: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously, and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.

      Cardinal Fang: [shocked gasp] Total protonic reversal. ... kryptonaut

      And/or total platonic reversal too, kryptonaut. For the Passion it is difficult to believe is truly awesome.

  5. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

    " ...trainee exorcists should work closely with priests in the field before taking on casework themselves

    Well of course, didn't we all learn that from the film? You need a young priest, an old priest, a hysterical mother, a small child with an extremely upset stomach, and not matter what you do, keep away from the stairs!

  6. Winkypop Silver badge
    Devil

    Exorcism?

    Cardinal Biggles called, wants his inquisition back.

    Nooooooobody....

    Seriously though, it's 2018 guys.

    Stop with the magic shit.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Exorcism?

      Fetch the comfy chair.

    2. JcRabbit

      Re: Exorcism?

      @Winkypop > Stop with the magic shit.

      "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

      1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

        Hmmm? ..... 18.02.23 for Magical Deeds indeed.

        Some, a Select Few who are Many, Equate those to Heavenly Tasks for Global Operating Devices.

        And where is the dotted line for signing up for Vatican Secret Services .... with Surreal Engagement.

        And that's quite enough information leaked for now, methinks. There are Lots to Process there into Practical Intelligence.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

          Portal access granted.

          1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

            Re: Exorcism? @JcRabbit

            Thanks. That was Simple and Easy.

            Now What? The AI Way Creating Futures for the Future?

            Ok .... and that Hot Bot News to Right Royally Really FCUK Energise Mainstream Media Streams/Virtual Terrain Teams.

            And Trialing and Tinkering with Future Programming of Quantum Communication Systems here with El Reg ...... and welcoming FeedBack/Advancing Commentary ........for Immaculate Scribes to Share as Virtually Perfect Scripts for Presentation of Future Augmented Virtual Reality as the True Source to Everything.

            In a Ground Zero 0Day Play Ground are there Skills and Hacks beyond compare .... so All who Enter In Beware and Be Aware, the Rewards for Success however are Immense and Colossal.

      2. onefang

        Re: Exorcism?

        "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." - Arthur C. Clarke

        Or, as I used to say in my mixed genre role playing game days, any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.

  7. Blockchain commentard Silver badge

    Surely this is just mis-translated to English from Italian. The priests should practice "exercising" not exorcising.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      The Pope must diet.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Would that be the Diet of Worms?

        1. Toni the terrible
    2. onefang
      Childcatcher

      "The priests should practice "exercising" not exorcising."

      Don't they get plenty of that chasing and abusing children?

      1. Toni the terrible
        Devil

        Chasing children

        as do all priests, pastors, mullahs etc etc - just like any profession that allows access to children that paedos can infiltrate

  8. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Ye Gods

    Still on the Julian calendar.

    1. Paul Herber Silver badge

      Re: Ye Gods

      I'm Julian Calendar and this is my friend Sandy Calendar.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Ye Gods

        Oooh. How bona to vada your dolly old eek!

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Ye Gods

      Still on the Julian calendar.

      There was the Greggsorian Advent Calendar, but that was not very successful

      https://www.theregister.co.uk/2017/11/13/greggs_advent_calendar/

      https://www.theregister.co.uk/2017/11/15/greggs_apologises_over_sausage_in_a_manger/

  9. Jellied Eel Silver badge

    CPD!

    Hmm.. So come next appraisal, should I ask for this course as CPD? Then complain about religious discrimination if rejected? Could be useful when Microsoft throws one of those 'An unexpected error has occurred in an unknown application' messages.

    1. big_D Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: CPD!

      NOBODY expects Errors!

      Oh, wait, I'm in the wrong sketch...

      Sidles off stage left.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: CPD!

        Coached Purging of Demons?

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: CPD!

          Coached Purging of Demons?

          No. Continuous priestly development.

          1. normal1

            Re: CPD!

            Since this Is the church: "Children per Day".......

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Whilst this is quite humorous I think Italy needs to invest more in mental health services.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      He said there were about 500,000 cases requiring exorcism in Italy each year.

      And Berlusconi is moving back into politics.

      Poor Italians. It's a double-whammy of spiritual assault and financial assault.

      1. Korev Silver badge
    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Whilst this is quite humorous I think Italy needs to invest more in mental health services.

      A short course on mandatory reporting of suspected paedophilia would be a more appropriate use of funds, I think. And the consequences of not doing so...which should invariably involve the police.

  11. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Will this help

    fix my daemons?

    1. big_D Silver badge

      Re: Will this help

      Is it a cron(ik) problem?

  12. codejunky Silver badge

    Wow

    I am amazed sometimes at the things people believe. But personal belief is their own demon to carry as long as they dont inflict it on others.

    1. Andy Non Silver badge

      Re: Wow

      While we can laugh at the belief in such supernatural absurdities, such beliefs can have a very dark side:

      "These beliefs are very real and on occasion people are going to take this to extremes where a child can be murdered,” said Inspector Allen Davis, who leads the Metropolitan Police’s response to the issue. “There are a number of ways that an adult will try to rid the child of the evil they believe is within them. They might try to burn it out, cut it out, strangle it out, drowning can be involved, or starving and beating.”

      http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/witchcraft-possession-child-abuse-murders-warning-figures-spirits-faith-belief-action-call-a8214196.html

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wow

        The autobiographical story by Jeanette Winterton - "Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit" - detailed her treatment by an English evangelical cult to which her mother belonged. They objected to her romantic relationship with another teenage girl - taking it as the sign of both of them needing to be exorcised.

        A recent twitter post showed a video of two schoolboys celebrating Valentine's day. Here are a couple of comments that were posted. I fear for the boys' safety.

        1) This is not beautiful . Satan is working 24/7

        2) What Msunery is this??? Jesus where art thou? Now we don't kill we pray for your Salvation, Without rebuke and enlightenment everything that's wrong eventually looks right unto mankind, we are a weird species ,left alone chaos rules .

        With a picture of the usual biblical quote from Leviticus.

    2. onefang

      Re: Wow

      " But personal belief is their own demon to carry"

      We need more exorcists properly trained to deal with that sort of demon.

  13. fedoraman

    This is in the Register -- why?

    I think that you're (ahem) cross-posting, again

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      This is in the Register -- why?

      I will ask you that question again after you are done chasing an autonegotiation issue between two switches in two racks which cannot be explained by anything short of the intervention of ectoplasma.

    2. egeria
      Devil

      Because many of us would like to employ an in-house exorcist to rid our data centres of the evil within.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Because many of us would like to employ an in-house exorcist to rid our data centres of the evil within.

        What? The rid ourselves of the Board of Directors? Hmm.... where did I leave that Bible and cup of Holy Water?

      2. onefang

        "Because many of us would like to employ an in-house exorcist to rid our data centres of the evil within."

        Just upgrade from Debian to Devuan to get rid of that systemd daemon. Holy water and shouting in Latin are optional.

    3. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: This is in the Register -- why?

      Because bootnotes, that's why.

  14. alain williams Silver badge

    Exorcism

    is the catholic church's equivalent to the E-meter

  15. Fading
    Pint

    My local.....

    Has many spirits I'd happily help "exorcise" - sign me up!

  16. 0laf Silver badge
    Boffin

    Choose the form of the destroyer

    It will be bad to be exterminated by a god in the form of a large domestic cat, screaming goat or iPhone6 with a cracked screen.

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

      Re: Choose the form of the destroyer

      Goatse?

      1. Toni the terrible
        Joke

        Re: Choose the form of the destroyer

        Goat Cheese???

  17. DNTP

    Exorcism is highly effective

    100% of the time it results in a situation where no objective evidence of a ghost, demon, or evil spirit (misc) can be detected.

    Almost 100% of the time the child even physically survives the process.

    In more than half of all exorcisms the child experiences no traumatic mental damage.

    Most of the time the priest isn't even sexually assaulting the child and the Church isn't covering it up.

    1. JDX Gold badge

      Re: Exorcism is highly effective

      You seem a bit obsessed with child-exorcisms, which was never mentioned.

  18. JDX Gold badge

    "lawyers and professionals"

    I really hope that was deliberate.

  19. PaulyV

    Quite head turning.

  20. Commswonk Silver badge

    Talking of Exorcism...

    Obligatory Dilbert: http://dilbert.com/strip/1994-02-02

  21. Herbert Meyer
    Angel

    Professional not required

    The Anglicans publish the Exorcism Rite in the Book of Common Prayer, to encourage Do-it-yourselfers.

    1. Peter2 Silver badge

      Re: Professional not required

      Your a professional if you do it as a profession.

      A lot of the time, instead of giving equipment a theatrical kick, we could equally do an exorcism and charge for it. I swear that half the issues that I look at should be impossible to occour.

    2. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Professional not required

      Actually they have specially trained priests and check first it's not mental or physical illness. I think DIY isn't encouraged by any major religion?

      1. onefang

        Re: Professional not required

        Off course DIY isn't encouraged by any major religion, where's the profit in that?

  22. frank ly

    *Cough*

    ... "spiritual disorders" caused by "supernatural forces".

  23. msknight Silver badge

    1% of the population.

    It wouldn't surprise me if someone showed me a heat map of exorcisms, and found that most were in America - http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=92541&page=1

  24. msknight Silver badge
    Joke

    Interesting from 2014...

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/vaticancityandholysee/10550800/Rise-of-the-exorcists-in-Catholic-Church.html

    ...

    The need for exorcisms is “rare, very rare”, said Fr Vincenzio Taraborelli, a priest in a church which lies just a few hundred yards from the Vatican. “In the cases where a mental illness is apparent, we try to send them to a doctor.”

    ...

    “People come to me thinking that with an exorcism they can resolve all the problems they have in their lives. A child is doing badly at school? With an exorcism we can make him study. They see exorcists as a last resort. Out of 100 people that I receive, there will be one who has need of me as an exorcist.”

    ...

    “Demonic” possession manifests itself in people babbling in languages foreign to them, shaking uncontrollably and vomiting nails, pieces of metal and shards of glass, according to those who believe in the phenomenon.

    ...

    ..."babbling in languages foreign to them" ... so the House of Commons is in need of an exorcist then...

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Interesting from 2014...

      If you exorcise all the demons from Parliament, who will be left to govern the country?

      1. Tim99 Silver badge

        Re: Interesting from 2014...

        "If you exorcise all the demons from Parliament, who will be left to govern the country?" The soulless senior civil service who really run it?

        Disclaimer: I was a civil servant...

        1. Toni the terrible
          Holmes

          Re: Interesting from 2014...

          The Black Pharaoh or The Sleeper - maybe, I did wonder why Mrs Mays eyes sometimes glow green.

    2. Mage Silver badge

      Re: so the House of Commons is in need of an exorcist then...

      I wondered why they all seemed mad. I assumed it was mercury or lead in the disintegrating Commons chamber.

    3. onefang
      IT Angle

      Re: Interesting from 2014...

      '“Daemonic” possession manifests itself in people babbling in computer languages foreign to them, shaking uncontrollably and vomiting APL, pieces of metal and shards of glass flying as they punch their monitors, according to those who believe in the phenomenon.'

      FTFY

  25. Howard Hanek Bronze badge
    Flame

    Improvements

    ......projectile vomit shields.......grounding cables...........helmets........heat resistant gauntlets.......toughened up user agreements.

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

      Re: Improvements

      You missed out cattleprod.

  26. smudge Silver badge
    Devil

    Opportunity

    He said there were about 500,000 cases requiring exorcism in Italy each year.

    The population of Italy is about 60M, so this is nearly 1% of the population!

    Anyway, it's a large number, so surely there must be savings to be made by offshoring the exorcism function. I've known managers who believed that the physical locks on an HSM in the Netherlands could be operated from Bangalore, so remote casting out of demons should be a doddle. As far as I know, the inverse square law doesn't apply to the forces of good and evil, so someone coming down a crappy line from afar should be just as effective as someone in the actual room - and also a lot safer.

    I would give the exorcism contract to Tata, purely for their name.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Childcatcher

    Yep

    Checked the course syllabus, Kiddie Fiddling 201 is a prerequisite

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Yep

      "Catholicism - made to make your arse water...".

      And that's if they like you - some African kids have ended up dead as a result of exorcisms - and or cut into pieces..

      One of the many reasons, as the great Pterry mentions, that missionaries should be shot on sight..

  28. Talamasca

    Kinda like sending 'thoughts and prayers'...

    ...another lesson in how to make it look like you're doing something, without actually doing anything.

  29. Paul Herber Silver badge

    Exorciser

    Yonks ago working on Motorola 6800/6809 processors, some of the dev work was done on Motorola Exorciser development systems. A heap of dung compared with the equivalent Intel gear. Many deities had words cast at them, the gear was very appropriately named.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Exorciser

      I remember the EXORciser. Large, unwieldy and horribly expensive. Worked fine for the 6800, you needed to pay almost the cost of the original system again for the 6802 upgrade. By the time the 68k rolled around, they had a different ICE.

      Thanks for the memories, but I like JTAG probes much better!

    2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

      Re: equivalent Intel gear.

      Hi Paul,

      The problem with the Intel gear was its popularity, with you, me and Richard all laying claim to having first dibs.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not necessary one hopes

    I thought no one still ran Windows Vista?

    1. onefang

      Re: Not necessary one hopes

      The seniors place I volunteer at still has a working Windows Vista machine. It sits in one corner collecting dust, no one uses it, and it's not even needed, so we can't justify the cost and effort in tracking down a legal Windows 7 for it.

  31. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Word is

    The course instructors are called Sam and Dean.

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge

      Re: Word is

      Unfortunately testing has been outsourced to Pearson.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I would think..

    ...that if an exorcist in the Vatican was actually well trained in dispelling the Antichrist the current pope wouldn't still be here.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: I would think..

      It's difficult to be a worse human being than the pope.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: I would think..

        I think the jury is still out on this... I can think of several political types, a few corporate types, and a couple of evangelist types I'd say are worse. Maybe we need to define "worse"?

        1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

          Re: I would think..

          Difficult, not impossible

      2. Toni the terrible
        Windows

        Re: I would think..

        I could, Mr Putin for one, then there is Trump, the whole of UKIP, Pol Pot (is he dead?), some of my teachers at scholl decades ago, my Boss etc. the Pope doesn't come in to the top One Hundred of worse human being

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    To paraquote..

    "How is Jimmy Saville, and have you seen him lately..."

    1. Mage Silver badge

      Re: To paraquote..

      He's dead. Or at least supposed to be.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: To paraquote..

        I take it you haven't watched ghostbusters lately...

        Exorcisms & the Great & Ancient Guild of Kiddiefiddlers & Associated Trades (Incorporating Rochdale Police Association).

        I thought Jimmy "my best mate's Ted Heath" Saville would fit right in /pun:off.

        Almost as well as Chaim Rumkowsky, who leaves even Saville in the dust.. In the annals of pure evil Saville doesn't even get close to old Rummie - I'd mention "trigger warnings" on that little story but that'd be like saying mainlining VX is a bad idea.

  34. King Jack
    Angel

    3 Steps to Heaven

    First you make up a god but because god is 100% good you make up more 'evil' spirits.

    Secondly you make the evil sprit responsible for all ills inflicted on mankind.

    Then you make up bullshit rituals to fight these made up evil spirits...

    Profit.

    If ghosts and spirits existed they would be a form of intelligent life. The discoverer of such a thing would win a Nobel prize and be front page news globally. It's the 21st century, can we stop the bullshit already?

    1. Toni the terrible
      Happy

      Re: 3 Steps to Heaven

      How can Ghosts & Spirits that are dead be considered a form of life?

  35. TimeMaster T
    Happy

    Need their contact info ...

    There has been a Succubus hanging around my place for the last couple weeks and I need to tell these guys to stay away regardless of the complaints by the neighbors.

    1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Need their contact info ...

      Would an old demon get a succubus pass?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Need their contact info ...

      "[...] and I need to tell these guys to stay away regardless of the complaints by the neighbors."

      Amazing how many apparently well intentioned articles come up on Google for "how to get rid of a succubus".

      1. onefang

        Re: Need their contact info ...

        I'd charge a lot of money to write the daemon that controls the SuckyBUS.

  36. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Pint

    Ghostly Rings

    Apple should perhaps request the help of the Vatican to exorcise the Ghostly Rings that are haunting the HomePod.

    Beer - Don't forget the coaster

  37. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Best ... exorcism ... putdown ... Ever!

    You've been Vati-CANNED!!!

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My device was speaking to me in tongues

    Wrongly entered config my son

    say two hail marys and go configure your device properly.

    The catholic concept of hell was COLD, with different levels for different sinners.

    they would freeze in hell, because Europe had devilishly cold winters

    there was a problem with my post -said theRegister, so I hyphenated Cath-olic

    1. onefang
      Boffin

      Re: My device was speaking to me in tongues

      "The catholic concept of hell was COLD, with different levels for different sinners."

      Reminds me of the lesson that my high school physics teacher taught one day, about the scientific proof that heaven is hotter than hell. Involved the existence of liquid sulfur in hell, and that heaven was lit by the light of a thousand suns. Calculations left as an exercise for the student.

      1. Toni the terrible
        Holmes

        Re: My device was speaking to me in tongues

        I dunno, we are lit by the light of more than a thousand suns - but they are a very very long long away and I doubt the whole output of M31 that we receive would warm you up very much.

  39. unwarranted triumphalism

    You're not even pretending any more are you?

    As if the teenage edgelord atheist brigade didn't have enough lies and hate to be getting on with... you have to feed them some more.

    Would you like to have a chat with the press regulator about your unrelenting anti-religious bigotry?

  40. Miss Config
    Devil

    The Pope Himself DOES Believe In Both The Devil And Demonic Posession

    Which is why he wants more and more exorcists :

    Guardian report from March 2017

    Note how he says there how at least SOME 'demonic possessions' are in fact 'supernatural'.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The Pope Himself DOES Believe In Both The Devil And Demonic Posession

      Theresa May says she believes in equality - it goes with the job.

  41. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  42. Anonymous IV
    Joke

    A load of [Papal] Boolean

    <insert witty reference to XORcism here>

  43. Dreams

    Acts 19: 15-16

    "And the evil spirit answered and said, “Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are you?”

    Then the man in whom the evil spirit was leaped on them, overpowered them, and prevailed against them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded."

    This is probably what happens to the Catholic priests more often than not...and no amount of training will change it.

  44. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Do they do storage?

    I've got some HPE 3PAR storage that needs a seeing to.

  45. onefang

    '"We touch on the most burning issues: '

    So burning witches is coming back in style.

    'Palilla blamed the rise in demand for exorcism on the growing number of people seeking the services of fortune tellers and Tarot readers.'

    Sounds like an escalating war between snake oil sellers. We'll need popcorn, I wonder what that tastes like cooked in snake oil?

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