back to article Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing

An elderly man's flatulence forced his flight to make an emergency stop after a fight broke out over his barrage of bottom burps. Passengers flying with budget Dutch airline Transavia from Dubai to Amsterdam were reportedly put out by the man's continued farting, and asked him to stop. But the man failed to hold it in, and …

  1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    should've just wound the window down :)

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Open the window?

      You say that in jest, but I have a Collins German phrase book from the 1960s that includes the useful phrase, in the 'Travelling by Air' chapter "Would you please open the window?"

      1. H in The Hague Silver badge

        Re: Open the window?

        Years ago a mate went to Rome on his hols. After rather a lot of the local wine he went onto the balcony of his hotel room and started declaiming stuff from his Italian phrase book, such as "My father was a submarine commander in the war". Gather the phrase book was a hand-me-down from an aged relative. Probably from the same publisher as yours.

        1. Rattus Rattus

          Re: Open the window?

          My hovercraft is full of eels!

  2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    I heard this story over the weekend and assumed it was bullshit, Mostly cos facebook was the source. Turns out its true but deliberatley misleading headline. Flight was diverted due to fighting , like all those other stories, the difference being this tine there was a reason for the fighting specified.

    You may ass well title all these incidents "Flight diverted due to asshole on board"

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      "Flight diverted due to asshole on board"

      End of the day, all that flatulence has to come out of somewhere...

      1. lglethal Silver badge
        Joke

        Sh%t doesnt just happen. Assholes cause it.

    2. smudge Silver badge

      I heard this story over the weekend and assumed it was bullshit

      Impossible. The bull wouldn't have fitted into a seat.

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Devil

        "The bull wouldn't have fitted into a seat."

        based on the dimensions of certain passengers (who apparently DO fit into a seat) this may simply require the purchase of an additional ticket...

        And, maybe the airline should offer some complimentary Gas-X, have the stewardi carry around a spray can of Fabreze, and/or drop the emergency air masks in cases of high 'gas' activity.

        After all, an elderly passenger may have IBS or some OTHER "complication" (too many beans) which requires the rest of the world to "accomodate" the "disability". And the intestinal pressure may be SO great, that holding it in can cause an *EXPLOSION*. Oh wait, that reminds me of a South Park episode...

        1. A K Stiles
          Coat

          re: Beans

          It bemused me on recent(ish) long-haul flights that the food served was a bean based dish, with a bean salad for the side - never mind the fact that it didn't seem terribly varied, just the sheer volume of beans being consumed on that aircraft with still 10+ hours flying time remaining was horrifying!

          The one with the respirator in the pocket please...

  3. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Man, the social animal

    Imagine what it was like huddled together in the night to keep warm during the freezing winters in caves or tents of skins, they'd have been glad of a little methane to raise the temperature.

    From all that communal sharing and striving to make life easier we arrive at the 21st century, now secluded in our little luxury flats to oversized apartments (with running water and bidets) we end up with with several grown adults starting a fight over a little involuntary gas when put in a confined space for a few hours.

    Spaceships to Mars? Not a chance, someone would try to space the other occupants for bad breath within a month.

    1. boltar Silver badge

      Re: Man, the social animal

      "Imagine what it was like huddled together in the night to keep warm during the freezing winters in caves or tents of skins, they'd have been glad of a little methane to raise the temperature."

      I doubt it, they had firewood for that. Plus a lot tended to have animals living with them and the smell of those would have masked anything grandpa in the corner would be trumping out.

      "we end up with with several grown adults starting a fight over a little involuntary gas when put in a confined space for a few hours."

      If it really stank I doubt many people would put up with it frankly. The guy had been asked to stop, could probably have gone to the toilet if he could be bothered but clearly couldn't so I guess he got what was coming to him.

      There's a reason we have "apartments (with running water and bidets" , its called hygiene. Perhaps you'd like to check out the mortality figures from cholera before we had clean water supplies and flushing toilets.

      Perhaps people in the stone age didn't care about hygeine - they also generally died before they reached 40.

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: Man, the social animal

        I doubt it, they had firewood for that.....

        @Boltar - So, you are the serial downvoter, are you...?

        Seems someone cannot recognise a lot of exageration and humour without a very obvious picture on the door of the ladies....

        1. boltar Silver badge

          Re: Man, the social animal

          "Seems someone cannot recognise a lot of exageration and humour without a very obvious picture on the door of the ladies...."

          Exaggeration sure, humour? Can't say I was laughing out loud. And his point about a trip to Mars is very valid - the chances of a spaceship making it there without at least one person going stir crazy (for whatever reason, maybe even someones bad breath!) is pretty slim IMO. The nearest equivalent is a submarine but they're 1 or 2 orders of magnitude larger that any mars spaceship will be and they can surface at any time (except in war) if someone does lose the plot and needs some fresh air.

    2. Sil

      Re: Man, the social animal

      All a question of habits.

      When you live in cities where deodorants are the norm, you're in for quite a nasty smelly surprise in public transports of places where it isn't.

      On the other hand, people living there won't remark anything out of the ordinary.

  4. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
    Coat

    It seems there's nothing else in the news these days...

    Except Brexit or Trump...

    {Gets coat and waves it around. "I'd give it ten minutes if I were you"}

  5. TRT Silver badge

    It was a real...

    Dutch oven.

  6. msknight Silver badge

    Hang on a minute...

    Why didn't they simply deploy the oxygen masks?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hang on a minute...

      Why didn't they simply deploy the oxygen masks?

      Oxygen and methane, what could possibly go wrong.

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Hang on a minute...

        "Oxygen and methane, what could possibly go wrong."

        how about:

        'Yuck, I can STILL smell it - let's light a match to get rid of the smell...'

    2. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: Hang on a minute...

      It's been a while since I was last up to date on the various rules & regulations, but about ~25 years ago it was one of those R&R's that any time a plane automaticly or the staff manually deployed the oxygen mask system, there was a LOT of paperwork as a result. You had to explain what triggered it, how long they were required to be deployed, any injuries/fatalities, etc. Staff won't hesitate to deploy them in an emergency, but they make damn sure it IS an emergency before doing so. Someone's annoying farts may cut the cheese but they won't cut the mustard. (Sorry!)

    3. JaitcH
      Unhappy

      Re: Hang on a minute...

      "Oxygen" masks are actually chemical generators with a lifespan of about 12 minutes.

      Cabin crew get the real tanked oxygen, as do pilots.

  7. SeanC4S

    If you have IBS/SIBO take an osmotic laxative 36 hours before the flight. Or if time is short magnesium citrate or hydroxide 10 hours before. Then don't eat for 6 hours before the flight and not until you disembark. If it is 2 flights taking say 24 hours you are going to be pretty frigging hungry at the end of it. I don't think you would be allowed to take glucose solution on board with you these days to provide some harmless calories.

    The joys of being old.

    1. Steve K Silver badge

      Clear the area

      This is possibly the funniest thread ever written on flatulence:

      https://singletrackworld.com/2009/02/the-picolax-thread-returns/

      If you have not read it, I implore you, find a quiet (ideally sound-proof) room with no one around and spend 15 minutes reading it.

      1. handleoclast Silver badge

        Re: Clear the area

        This is possibly the funniest thread ever written on flatulence:

        Nah, this trumps it.

        1. Steve K Silver badge

          Re: Clear the area

          Actually I forgot about that one - good point. (Although if I am being picky, the flatulence is a mere sideshow to the main event in that thread!)

        2. cray74

          Re: Clear the area

          Nah, this trumps it.

          I seem to recall contributing a review to that bag of Gummi bears, though I can't pinpoint it in that vast list.

        3. Sam Therapy

          Re: Clear the area

          That was a real blast! Thank you.

      2. VinceH Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Clear the area

        @Steve K

        "This is possibly the funniest thread ever written on flatulence:"

        Icon says it all. And I haven't finished yet - the rest is saved for later!

      3. ridley

        Re: Clear the area

        https://youtu.be/2FyD95Hv7CU

        Crepitation contest. NSFW speakers

        1. This post has been deleted by a moderator

      4. FozzyBear Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Clear the area

        I'll see your thread and raise you this

        https://forums.justcommodores.com.au/threads/trip-to-bunnings-lol.107234/

        1. Steve K Silver badge

          Re: Clear the area

          Game, set & match:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk-5RVMerfI

          NSFW unless you have earphones!

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Old may not be the issue.

      One of the side effects of eating some food you are intolerant to like Gluten, Cumin, etc is that you get the flatulence from hell. It is hell in both quantity and hellish smell.

      So instead of the proverbial old fart, it may be a younger person who has eaten something not agreeable to their metabolism. Not bad enough to get them into hospital and/or use the epipen, but bad enough to cause the well known side effect.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        Bear in mind - they hold pressure in the aircraft body at around 8,000 - 10,000 feet - the lower oxygen allegedly stops the self-loading cargo from complaining as much. But it means also that the pressure external to the body is reduced to about 700mb - two thirds of what it's expecting.

        Internal pressurisation and bloating and the relief thereof - voluntarily or otherwise - seems a not unexpected result.

        1. Alan Brown Silver badge

          "Internal pressurisation and bloating and the relief thereof - voluntarily or otherwise - seems a not unexpected result."

          Drinking a milkshake an hour before the flight is not recommended. Especially on an unpressurised flight.

          Personal experience.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            I've always avoided those "live" yoghurts BA used to provide with breakfast, for fear of that exact effect...

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Yup. Flying always makes me fart regularly. Not sure what you are supposed to do. Keep it in and explode in a messy fashion.

          1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

            At the A/C, re: farts on a plane.

            I like to give the other passengers something to laugh about while their eyes water, noses crinkle, & hair catches fire. I use one of those "twirly whistle" toy rings clenched between the cheeks to add a bit of amusement factor to every rooty toot windy poot. =-D

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        One of the side effects of eating some food you are intolerant to like Gluten, Cumin, etc is that you get the flatulence from hell. It is hell in both quantity and hellish smell.

        DISCRIMINATION! What about those of us with no known intolerances? About time scientists got off their lazy duffs and produced a "Satan's Breath" potion, able to produce foul flatus reliably, quickly and safely.

        1. bombastic bob Silver badge
          Devil

          "About time scientists got off their lazy duffs and produced a "Satan's Breath" potion"

          Habaneros with pinto beans in curry? Follow this with rice pudding and plenty of raisins. Add lecithin for an extra kick.

        2. Mark 85 Silver badge

          About time scientists got off their lazy duffs and produced a "Satan's Breath" potion, able to produce foul flatus reliably, quickly and safely.

          Beans...boiled and baked seem to work very well for this. However, I am open to large sums of money to do research.

        3. shedied

          Satan's breath

          There is a definition of "safely" that we are not familiar with

      3. Philip Stott

        Ah that might explain it

        I once had to spend 9 hours on a flight to Jamaica sitting behind a family that were all dumping the most foul smelling toxic waste into the atmosphere, it was like being trapped in beelzebub’s buttocks.

        They could’ve all had the same meal and all shared the same intolerance to one of the ingredients ...

        1. sisk Silver badge

          Re: Ah that might explain it

          I once had to spend 9 hours on a flight to Jamaica sitting behind a family that were all dumping the most foul smelling toxic waste into the atmosphere, it was like being trapped in beelzebub’s buttocks.

          They could’ve all had the same meal and all shared the same intolerance to one of the ingredients ...

          Don't be ridiculous. Of course they could. They're a family, which means they most likely share meals and definitely share genetics. If they had some meal that was not usually part of their diet I would not find the idea of a whole family developing a case of digestive distress at the same time at all unusual.

        2. Tom 7 Silver badge

          Re: Ah that might explain it

          Many years ago I used to suffer bouts of cramping foul smelling potentially projectile flatulence - to the point of clearing pubs of food eating guests. It took many (over 6) years to discover the cause. Buried deep in a dietary database I finally found a link - eating certain things in sufficient quantity over a 3 or 4 day period triggered it which was why it was such a bugger to track down.

          I save it for when certain relatives visit.

          1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

            At Tom 7...

            Damn it man, don't hold back, share the list of foods that did it to you so the rest of us can try them too! I've got relatives due over next week & I need more ammunition! =-)p

          2. A K Stiles

            Re: Ah that might explain it

            Ooh - do share (the food items, not the after-effects), for... um... science? not at all for the potential of relative welcoming.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        As someone with coeliac disease I can confirm such symptoms, as can Mrs. Anonymous Coward who has to endure some of my "side effects". Though on a plane I bring a small packed lunch to spare my fellow travellers.

  8. LenG

    even a direct order from the pilot didn't take the wind out of his sails

    Thats not really surprising - it is not something you do deliberately!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Flame

      Re: even a direct order from the pilot didn't take the wind out of his sails

      You've obviously never decided to cook baked bean and brussels sprout curry...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: even a direct order from the pilot didn't take the wind out of his sails

        "You've obviously never decided to cook baked bean and brussels sprout curry..."

        Did you ever know that you're my hero,

        And everything I would like to be?

        I can fart like a cheese-eating beagle,

        For you are the wind beneath my wings.

    2. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

      Back in the day and when I were a lad, one of my mates (Hi Tony M) could fart at will and for extended periods. Eleven seconds was his record fart. (Boys will be boys and take delight in measuring things like that)

      When we had a new teacher which was often a trainee he'd fart the whole lesson. He could fart for both sound and smell with a little notice.

      Hi sons could do the same.

      Sort of 'runs in the family'.

      1. Spasticus Autisticus
        Mushroom

        Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

        Hi Steve, nearly fell off my chair at the mention of my name - different Tony M though, I have no kids.

        I have Crohn's Disease and at times can fart for Britain, though by the sound of it I'd have been trounced by your Tony. Farts on 'planes is the best fun :-) Icon for when I have explosive diarrhoea - hot, hot, hot!

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

        "one of my mates [snip] could fart at will and for extended periods. Eleven seconds was his record fart"

        I dunno if I've done 11 seconds, but I've been known to do something similar to the "Le Petomaine" act and fart out "shave and a haircut" - and if there's any leftovers I get the "two bits" in as well. Unfortunately can't do it "at will" but with MY typical 'old fart' gas production levels, it's frequent enough that it might as well be.

        heh

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

          I dunno if I've done 11 seconds, but I've been known to do something similar to the "Le Petomaine" act and fart out "shave and a haircut" -

          My daughter did ludicrously long and musical farts when she was six or seven. You're not supposed to laugh but me and wife just could keep up the poker face. When she (girl) got a bit older and went to school she stopped doing them.

          My alltime favorite was a midnight special, a short but very loud trump which woke my wife to sitting position but she didn't know what the ruckus was. One of the kids also woke up crying in the next room due to the bang.

          AC...

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

            I teach and whilst sitting in my classroom waiting for my form to arrive I took the opportunity to let rip with the hope it would dissipate in time.

            No such luck. This was not one that would easily let go.

            I could hear pupils down the corridor asking "what the F***s that smell", even when it was time for the class to enter for registration it was not making itself scarce and I was having problems keeping a straight face.

            Eventually, I had to leave the room myself, if only not to crack up completely, having heard a plaintive cry from one little girl on the other side of the room "Oh God, my eyes are burning"

          2. Alter Hase
            Facepalm

            Re: it is not something you do deliberately!

            "My alltime favorite was a midnight special, a short but very loud trump which woke my wife to sitting position...."

            As a native of the left side of the pond, I was unfamiliar with the true meaning of "Trump"....

  9. SkippyBing Silver badge

    Smells on Aircraft

    Are more common a problem than I'd thought, if you look at http://avherald.com/ there are generally two or three reports a week of an airliner having to divert due to odours.

  10. Commswonk Silver badge

    High Risk Strategy

    It turned out a woman was attempting to mask the smell of her trump by striking the match.

    Dear <deity> it was lucky the aircraft didn't break up in flight. Explosively.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: High Risk Strategy

      Matchmaker, matchmaker,

      Strike me a match,

      Disguise my gas,

      Mask me my flatch

      Matchmaker, Matchmaker

      I've brewed me a stew,

      Of gas that I've passed from my ass.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Flatulence

    I can tell from experience that some types of chemotherapy gives you the noxious flatulence from hell, and it remains for many weeks after you are off it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Flatulence

      I had a friend visit to drop off something and asked to use the little room. He hadn't been looking too good and the smell lasted days. He came out holding his side and I asked if it hurt where his hand was and he claimed there was a sharp pain there. A few hours later he was missing an appendix.

    2. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: Flatulence

      I can confirm the claim from the A/C above that chemo can cause farts from hell. My mum is on chemo for her cancer & she's constantly complaining & farting about the side effects.

      I can't complain much though, I rather enjoy not having a sense of smell anymore... although I hate it when my eyebrows catch fire. =-Jp

  12. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

    Reminds me of...

    ...that well-known travel game "Guff Chicken".

    On any long car journey, roll up the windows and wait for someone to do a really horrible, smelly blow-off. Then, the last one still in the car is the winner!

    This is just the more world championship level version. Getting a plane to land early? That's got to be right up there.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Reminds me of...

      This is just the more world championship level version.

      Considering some of the garbage that the Olympics include as "sport", you'd have thought that farting would have been included long ago.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Reminds me of...

        I was reminded of one of Henry II's favourite court Jesters.

        Roland the Farter. I rather like the fact that he was given Hemingstone Manner and 30 acres in Suffolk, for his services. Presumably so nobody had to be too close to him...

        His duties were to perform anally annually: "Unum saltum et siffletum et unum bumbulum" (one jump, one whistle, and one fart) for the King's court at Christmas.

        I'm quoting Wiki here as I don't have access to the history book I read it in.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Reminds me of...

          Le Petomane - a professional farter. He could play tunes with his rear end, squirt water and blow out candles.

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

        2. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Reminds me of...

        Considering some of the garbage that the Olympics include as "sport", you'd have thought that farting would have been included long ago.

        They probably can't work out the right dope tests to catch cheaters. Is there a test for vindaloo?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Reminds me of...

          They probably can't work out the right dope tests to catch cheaters. Is there a test for vindaloo?

          Top level sport has been a freak and drugs show for decades, and the days of "clean" amateurs excelling through grit and energy are long gone. Even now, there's a very strange prevalence of "therapeutic use exemptions" for many top athletes, and then you've got the state sponsored doping by the Ruskies and probably others. And a whole lot of research into "special diets" that don't fall foul of the tests.

          So, personally, I;d take the freaks and drugs show to the next level, by having two parallel Olympics - Clean and Dirty. Dirty would be far more exciting and interesting, where ANY substance is permitted. And bringing this back to farting, the same would apply - vindaloo or chemicals I wouldn't mind - the spectacle and the performance are all that count and any drugs you like are welcome (like competitive cycling, I suppose). This could even lead to exciting new technologies that might trickle down to the amateur sportsmen, like visible farts, and then coloured, visible farts. Wouldn't that be ACE? Being able to crack off a paint-peeling stench in the lift at work, that hung round as thick yellow green miasma. Maybe even some nano-tech that kept the cloud coherent, so that it didn't easily disperse. Or stenches that don't fade away through reactive chemical decay, but linger for hours.

          If there were money in my technological, entrepreneurial vision for the future of farting, I'd be as rich as Elon Musk.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Reminds me of...

            Maybe even some nano-tech that kept the cloud coherent, so that it didn't easily disperse.

            With bluetooth or zigbee control, you could have fartdrones...

  13. hatti

    Its not like you can escape

    I can't imagine anything more unsavoury than sampling numerous unwanted roast ghosts while trapped at 50,000 feet, no wonder a fight broke out. Urgggh!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Its not like you can escape

      You should try having some doting parent decide to change their precious darling child's nappy one row in front. I've never encountered farts so bad they'd be worse than that.

      (Incidentally, since Concorde was retired we haven't had an airliner that would stagger up anywhere near 50,000 ft.)

      1. Orv Silver badge

        Re: Its not like you can escape

        In fact modern FAA regs require that any failure not result in exposing passengers to a cabin altitude above 40,000 feet for any length of time. That pretty effectively puts a 40,000 foot ceiling on passenger jet operation. There are exemptions, though; I think the A380 has one.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Good old air biscuits.

    So the pilot warned him and followed through.

  15. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Pint

    Better out than in

    Having spent the weekend visiting a friend in hospital, who is on a ward where many patients don't have full control over their bodily functions, I can confidently say those who started this fight haven't even come close to knowing what an offensive smell in a confined space is.

    I was left humbled by what nursing staff put up with all day every day, not only in medically caring for patients, but having respect and bolstering lost dignity.

    Hunt and anyone else who doesn't appreciate the work nurses do should spend a day in their shoes or perhaps an hour in a cesspit.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Better out than in

      "... should spend a day in their shoes or perhaps an hour in a cesspit."

      The Cesspit is being far far too kind !!!

      Spend the Day as a Nurse in a Geriatric Ward then say they are not worth *more* money & respect !!!

      Also, don't forget the people who man/woman the numerous 'Care Homes' that are in a similar position but without the 'medical backup'.

      These are the people who get to experience the worse end of the Human Lifecycle, the part that everyone would like to ignore. I have huge respect for the people who can do this day after day.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Better out than in

        I wonder who the downvoter was ?

        Mr Hunt ?

        Mr Hunt's Wife/Mother ?

        Mr Hunt's Supporter ?

        or perhaps ....

        The Downvote was because they wanted the Cesspit option

        (therefore likely to be a Labour Supporter or even an MP ???)

        Will we ever know ? :)

    2. Martin-73 Silver badge

      Re: Better out than in

      @Jason Bloomberg. THANK you.

      My own mother is currently going thru the 'body's breaking down but the mind is still 100%' stage. The hell from the loss of dignity when she has to phone her 44 yr old son to say 'i've shit all over the carpet again' (she, being 86 doesn't use such words).... has to be seen to be believed. The tears in her eyes ... bah, ageing is only tolerated because it beats the alternative, for a while

  16. rh587 Bronze badge
    Headmaster

    Tautology?

    On landing in Vienna, armed police boarded the plane to remove the men who caused the ruckus

    Police in Austria are routinely armed (in common with most of Europe). I should have thought it would be more noteworthy if they were lacking their sidearms.

    1. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Tautology?

      rh587 noted, "...Police in Austria are routinely armed (in common with most of ***Europe***)."

      I believe that you've spelled 'the world' incorrectly. :-)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Tautology?

      > Police in Austria are routinely armed

      And, in the old days, not uncommonly legless. Especially on cold winter night shifts.

    3. Korev Silver badge

      Re: Tautology?

      Even British cops at airports are routinely armed these days

  17. sisk Silver badge

    So....he was asked to stop a bodily function. Utterly ridiculous. If he was farting that much then most likely he was having digestive issues and it was very likely beyond his control. What exactly what this guy supposed to do about it? I get that it's unpleasant, but I will never understand how doing something that you HAVE to do and have little choice about can possibly be rude.

    1. d3vy Silver badge

      "So....he was asked to stop a bodily function. Utterly ridiculous."

      One of my few memories of pre-school nursery was being told to "Stop Hiccuping" and then being punished when I couldn't... Still it was a long time ago so i take comfort in the fact that the teachers dead now.

    2. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      At Sisk, re: bodily functions.

      Exactly. What next, blinking becomes illegal? Blowing ones nose is a terrorist threat? Vomiting is grounds for capital punishment? Belching gets you shot on sight?

      The man had uncontrolled & probably painful flatulence, the flight crew should have tried to make him comfy in one of the lavatories rather than let the cretins next to him start in with the fisticuffs.

      But what do I know, I'm just someone with a modicum of compassion...

  18. JaitcH
    Happy

    Remedies For Excess Gas

    1. Charcoal Tablets

    2. Flatulence Deodorizers

    3. Probiotics

    4. Flatulence Medicines

    5. Peppermint Oil Capsules

    6. Herbal Teas

    If course, avoiding airline food also helps.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Remedies For Excess Gas

      Remedies For Excess Gas

      You help yourself, but as a hobby fartist I won't be partaking of anything that interferes with the magic.

    2. LucreLout Silver badge

      Re: Remedies For Excess Gas

      7. Go For A Shit.

      I am secretly impressed at someone having to be told off by the captain for farting. That's some kind of achievment, which will almost certainly be told many times at his wake. To have landed a flight because of it...... surely that's tombstone material right there.

      Here lies Lucra Lout.

      Devoted husband and father.

      Born 19?? Died 20??

      He once farted badly enough to cause a plane to land.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: I am secretly impressed at someone having to be told off by the captain ...

        In flight attendant. "Your attention please, passengers. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the captain has now illuminated the no farting sign, so you'll have to hold it in until we have safely landed and the cabin doors have been opened."

        1. VeganVegan

          Re: I am secretly impressed at someone having to be told off by the captain ...

          In flight attendant. "Your attention please, passengers. I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the captain has now illuminated the fasten-seatbelt sign; as we are encountering s spot of flatulence."

      2. FozzyBear Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Remedies For Excess Gas

        Devoted husband and father.

        I first read that as Devoted Husband and farter

    3. sisk Silver badge

      Re: Remedies For Excess Gas

      8. Plug it

      They make plugs specifically for that orifice.

      What? Those aren't for keeping stuff in? Oh, never mind then.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Something's amiss

    So a passenger, apparently overweight, was farting. This is of course very common and as already pointed out, cannot necessarily be helped.

    I understand that the person in question may have been rude to crew or other passengers when asked to stop. Again, this would need to be put in the context of normal human reactions, especially if the person was distressed about the situation as could reasonably be expected.

    Then some other passengers decide to attack the flatulent man for whatever reason, upon which the flight crew naturally divert the flight, in accordance with company procedure, I expect.

    Then the man who was attacked, and some other passengers of the same nationality but who may or may not have been travelling with said man, were offloaded and given a "ban" by Transavia, the airline in question. These passengers were not arrested or charged since they had not committed any crimes under Austrian law.

    The Dutch nationals who assaulted the other passenger however, did commit a crime (assault) under Austrian law. Yet those were neither offloaded nor penalised by the airline nor charged with anything.

    One does not have enough elements to judge, other than hearsay and vague tabloid reports, but something (do pardon the pun) smells rotten here.

    1. Named coward

      Re: Something's amiss

      The ones who assaulted the farting man and their companions(?) were escorted off the plane. Not the farter himself

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Something's amiss

        Not the farter himself

        To bring a plane down with his bottom indicates a very high skill level and possibly some creativity, and therefore he may not have been a mere everyday farter.

        If he were creative in his flatulence and making a statement, he'd be a fartist. If he were creative, but not making a statement, he'd be a fartisan. If he were not creative, but technically very skilled, he'd be a fartificer. And if he were moderately skilled and non-creative, he'd be a fartwright.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Something's amiss

          You think that's what happened to MH370.

          "Right. That's it. I'm turning around, and I'm not going to land the plane until whoever dropped that one owns up. Come on. It's your own time that you're wasting."

      2. Wensleydale Cheese Silver badge

        Re: Something's amiss

        "The ones who assaulted the farting man and their companions(?) were escorted off the plane. Not the farter himself"

        I wonder how many thought "If only I'd joined the assault, I too would now be enjoying some fresh air."

  20. IGnatius T Foobar
    IT Angle

    How is this relevant?

    Come on guys, this is an IT rag, let's keep it to technology stories please.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How is this relevant?

      Bugger off!

      To some of us, tales of toilets and farting are meat and drink.

      1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
        Windows

        "... tales of toilets and farting are meat and drink."

        It certainly sounds like it was a bit chewy.

    2. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: How is this relevant?

      New here?

      1. jdoe21

        Re: How is this relevant?

        It's about the story of farts. You fart, don't you?

    3. Patrician
      Happy

      Re: How is this relevant?

      We often talk sh*t here, didn't you know ...

    4. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: How is this relevant?

      Bootnotes this is. Now get off my airplane.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Low pressure cabin...

    I used to work to a Nuclear Power Plant, that uses low pressure inside the nuclear buildings to keep the (probably) radioactive dust inside it.

    It is accomplished through differential (negative) pressure in the HVAC system, like an OR or the CDC would do. This is just a few tenths of millibar of atmospheric pressure differential, but enough to cause the desired effect of avoiding external contamination. Some doors even have pressure relief valves and hinged lever "crowbars" soldered to the door frames to open them, should the system enter in panic mode and add LOTS more of pressure to system.

    (We once did the math, and very few millibars would result in 50kgf of force applied on a door. "Smaller" workers had to actually use the crowbars to break the pressure seal...)

    As a byproduct, any gasses... ahem... dissolved... on the personnel would leave them, far more often than outside.

    Perhaps the boarding rooms on the airports could have a few millibars of differential ambient pressure subtracted from them. It would cause two things:

    a) People would be acclimated to low pressure cabins far faster and;

    b) People with a lot of dissolved gasses in their system would get rid of them before getting on board.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Low pressure cabin...

      > We once did the math, and very few millibars would result in 50kgf of force applied on a door.

      Yep. Same system is used on airliners to keep the doors shut. With as much as half a bar or more pressure differential, nobody is getting out¹ mid-flight in a hurry.

      ¹ Or in, which would be more worrying.

    2. Orv Silver badge

      Re: Low pressure cabin...

      Reminds me that I once had a makeshift server room in a building with no A/C. To cope with heat the rack had a massive ARU mounted on it, with three centrifugal blowers, that sucked hot air out the back of the rack and dumped it outside via a couple of 8" flexible ducts. For make-up air there was a frame in an adjacent window that held a couple of pleated furnace filters. The building had steam heat, so there were no other ventilation openings. The result was I could tell when the filters were getting clogged by how much force it took to open the door.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The French have a saying ...

    ... that it's better to fart in company than to die all alone. (Mieux vaut péter en société que de mourir tout seul.) Maybe this incident will cause them to reconsider the universality of its wisdom.

    But seriously, unless there was only one head on board or the offending passenger was physically incapable of sitting on a crapper for most of the flight, this wasn't a difficult problem to solve. The captain presumably has the authority to order a passenger with uncontrollable diarrhea or vomiting confined to the can. I don't see why that shouldn't extend to a non-stop farter as well.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The French have a saying ...

      Confine the poor old fart to the toilet? He was doing everybody a favour:

      https://www.cnet.com/news/how-smelling-farts-could-save-your-life/

      If this had been Ryanair, the other passengers would have had a surcharge for health benefits.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A rhyme

    A fart is such a little thing,

    It gives the body ease,

    Warms the bed in winter,

    And suffocated the fleas.

  24. Tim Seventh
    Mushroom

    But the man failed to hold it in

    two particularly incensed passengers took matters into their own hands.

    Stop! Stop! It's an idiom! Don't take his fart into your own hands!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: But the man failed to hold it in

      Don't take his fart into your own hands!

      Well they'd already taken it into their mouths, noses and lungs, so getting it all over their hands is surely insignificant. Of course, if bad enough to cause a fight, then presumably it was one of those ones that you can taste, and burn the back of your throat. Even if involuntary, wouldn't that count as assault?

      Imagine the horror of other passengers when they stopped in Vienna and then the plane took off with the farter still on board.

  25. onefang Silver badge
    Joke

    Just pipe the gas to the engines. End of problem.

    1. Pedigree-Pete
      Happy

      @onefang

      Farts and engines. Perpetual motion?

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Flatulence turbulance disturbance

    Maybe a Dutch man could have put his finger in it?

  27. jdoe21

    I didn't know it was illegal to fart on planes or I would have had someone removed on every flight I've ever been on!!! Farts away!

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