back to article Iran: We have defeated evil nuclear-sensing Western lizards!

Iran has gone full David Icke and accused lizards that "attract atomic waves" of spying for the West. Hassan Firouzabadi, a former chief of the Iranian general staff, told the country in a radio Q&A session that a group of pro-Palestinian campaigners had, for reasons not explained, brought lizards with them into Iran. They …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    was it a collared lizard?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      surely, if you are spying,

      it would be a monitor lizard...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Wait until they find out

      Wait unti they figure out that Ayatollah Khamenei was replaced with a Westworld-type cyborg.

    3. MyffyW Silver badge

      Laughable, but there are buffoons in all countries.

      Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe - a British woman held in Iran on fabricated charges - has yet to be released because of our own ham-fisted Foreign Secretary.

      1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

        has yet to be released because of our own ham-fisted Foreign Secretary.

        She stood little chance being released regardless of the QuasiMoron's performance.

        What is happening in Iran at the moment is a repeat of USSR in the 1930es and countless other dictatorial regimes. If you run out of external enemies or the remaining ones become too big to try to chew on you have to invent internal enemies and/or try to stitch various "undesirables" with the "cooperating with foreign power" offence. This is exactly what Iranian judiciary which is slightly to the right of Atilla the Hun is doing at the moment.

        1. PNGuinn
          Pint

          "...The QuasiMoron's performance" @Voland

          Y'know I never knew playing a cathedral organ was within his skillset.

          Anyway, I'm going to steal that sometime. It'd make a smashing job title.

          Oh, wait ...

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: "...The QuasiMoron's performance" @Voland

            playing a cathedral organ was within his skillset

            He has a skillset?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Iranically, Ike no better

          you have to invent internal enemies

          So if hostile agencies spend millions developing crafted attacks like Stuxnet, they definitely wouldn't have a budget for recruiting infiltrators and fifth columnists?

  2. choleric

    help please

    Can they send their experts over? My Apache server logs are infested with geckos.

    1. Queeg
      Trollface

      Re: help please

      Don't panic, they're just looking for bugs

    2. sisk Silver badge

      Re: help please

      Can they send their experts over? My Apache server logs are infested with geckos.

      Could be worse. At least it's not tridents.

    3. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: help please

      Are the geckos trying to sell you car insurance?*

      *For the Brits.. the gecko is used by an American insurance company in it's ads.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Are iranian generals

    trained in secret encampments in Idaho?

  4. Christoph Silver badge

    Ah, those loony foreigners, eh?

    They're obviously much sillier than the wonderful USA, which merely bans entire countries.

    1. Stevie Silver badge

      Re: Ah, those loony foreigners, eh?

      Meanwhile in a room full of rich, white (well, mostly) industrialists a few thousand miles away: "All I ask for is a few newts with frickin' Geiger-counters on their heads!"

  5. BrownishMonstr

    Played right into their hands

    They'll be quoting your article as evidence this and much more is being done to them.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Played right into their hands

      Aren't they supposed to be completely open about their nuclear activities anyway?

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Played right into their hands

      Then we should laugh at them and fart in their general direction.

      1. BrownishMonstr

        Re: Played right into their hands

        Yes they are supposed to be open with their nuclear activities. But I'm guessing there are many factions within the country, each with their own ideology and place on the political spectrum, there is—like many countries—a lot of bollockticking going on.

        We may be laughing at them but few in the country would know.

  6. MrRimmerSIR!
    Holmes

    Watch out, El Reg!

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel-related_animal_conspiracy_theories

    Vulture

    In December 2012, a Sudanese newspaper reported that the Sudan government had captured a vulture in the town of Kereinek, which they said was an Israeli spy bird and was tagged in Hebrew and equipped with electronic devices. Iran's Press TV later claimed the bird was an eagle "equipped with Mossad’s tracking and other surveillance devices."

    Ohad Hazofe, the avian ecologist, told Israeli news site Ynet: "This is a young vulture that was tagged, along with 100 others, in October. He has two wing bands and a German-made GPS chip." Hazofe denied that the device had any photographic capabilities. In an interview with CNN, he stated that "I'm not an intelligence expert, but what would be learned from putting a camera onto a vulture? You cannot control it. It's not a drone that you can send where you want. What would be the benefit of watching a vulture eat the insides of a dead camel?"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "What would be the benefit of watching a vulture eat the insides of a dead camel?"

      That's a somewhat odd remark coming from an avian ecologist, who you might think would be interested in vulture feeding behaviours. But it makes sense if coming from an intelligence expert! :-)

    2. Kane Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Watch out, El Reg!

      "What would be the benefit of watching a vulture eat the insides of a dead camel?"

      And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!

      Mine's the one made from Tauntaun skin.

    3. PNGuinn
      Holmes

      Re: "I'm not an intelligence expert"

      "I'm not an intelligence expert, but what would be learned from putting a camera onto a vulture?"

      Probably an awful lot round here.

      OTOH, whether you'd want to ....

    4. Lars Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Watch out, El Reg!

      "What would be the benefit of watching a vulture eat the insides of a dead camel?".

      Ten million views on YouTube and perhaps, if lucky, a link in a tweet by some daft person.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Watch out, El Reg!

      >What would be the benefit of watching a vulture eat the insides of a dead camel?

      I'm sure there's a market for that sort of thing somewhere on the Internet.

  7. MiguelC Silver badge

    "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

    They would say that, wouldn't they?

    1. TheOldGuy

      Re: "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

      Ah yes, the old 'innocent tourist' ploy.......

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

        So are we saying it's best not to pretend to be tourists when spying? "Just passing through" is more plausible.

        1. Chris G Silver badge

          Re: "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

          They had actual fishing rods and fish.

          Problem was the fish were still in their tins.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

            If they were salmon fishing in the Yemen it might have been believable.

      2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
        Happy

        @TheOldGuy Re: "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

        <Inspector Clouseau voice>Ah yes, the old 'innocent tourist' ploy.......</Inspector Clouseau voice>

        Must dig out one of those old Pink Panther films again

        1. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

          Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

          I see your Inspector Clouseau and raise you an Agent 86.

          <Don Adams voice> Ah, yes! The old "innocent tourists" trick!

          1. Alistair Silver badge
            Windows

            Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

            I see your Inspector Clouseau and raise you an Agent 86.

            I say we put Inspector Clouseau, Agent 86, and Columbo in one movie. Hell, we have the technology, and *someone* out there has $6,000,000 for the project........

            1. 404 Silver badge

              Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

              Lego Batman could handle it... Awesome pecks, nine abs, and never misses leg day... pew pew pew!

          2. Robert Moore
            Coat

            Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

            <Don Adams voice> Ah, yes! The old "innocent tourists" trick!

            Missed it by that much...

            Mine is the one with a shoephone manual in the pocket.

          3. TheRealRoland
            Thumb Up

            Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

            I was recently 'membered about Louis de Funès. Man, that was a trip down memory lane.

        2. Alistair Silver badge

          Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

          Must dig out one of those old Pink Panther films again

          Nope:

          Must dig out all of those old Pink Panther films again, but definitely not the newest one.

  8. Nick Kew Silver badge

    Translation?

    While it seems entirely likely that Iran has its share of nutters, is it not possible that translation issues might offer an alternative explanation in this instance?

    1. MrRimmerSIR!

      Re: Translation?

      That's very naively sweet of you. You'd be surprised how many nutters there are in power - when you remove the democratic filter, all sorts of crazy get into power.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Translation?

        when you remove the democratic filter, all sorts of crazy get into power.

        Looks like that filter hasn't been working too well in much of the Western world of late.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Chameleons ?

    Like the meme

    There's no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now

    1. Number6

      Re: Chameleons ?

      I've heard that there's a chamelephant in the room but I can't see it and people are reluctant to talk about it.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Chameleons ?

        I've heard that there's a chamelephant in the room

        Well - you know how to detect it - just put out some butter and wait for the footprints to appear.

        Or introduce some mice. I'd offer you some but they appear to be mostly disassembled.

  10. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    So is this general saying that there are nuclear materials or manufacturing plants that *weren't* disclosed to the monitoring, er, monitors?

    Because a certain orange gentleman is eager for such news. Positively itching to get a piece of news like that.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bah!

      "Because a certain orange gentleman is eager for such news."

      Cheddar Man?

      1. Chemical Bob

        Re: Bah!

        Captain Orangutan

        1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Bah!

          The librarian {thanks Terry}

  11. foo_bar_baz
    Black Helicopters

    Full Stalin

    Pro-Palestinian campaigners were deemed to be Israeli spies and presumably sent to the gulag. A bit like idealists who travelled to the USSR only to end up in Siberia due to excessive paranoia.

  12. John Sanders
    Childcatcher

    I think...

    Psyops much...

  13. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    I suppose ...

    There are animals that can detect infra-red (snakes), ultra-violet (bees), ultrasonic (bats), infrasonic (snakes again), low-level electric fields (sharks), minute changes in gravity (oysters), magnetic fields (pigeons) etc. It is quite within the realms of possibility that there are animals that can detect radiation, so the concept itself is not ridiculous.

    1. Thoguht Silver badge

      Re: I suppose ...

      Apparently the red ghost shrimp can detect beta particles and X-rays.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: I suppose ...

      there are animals that can detect radiation

      Like us you mean? After all, visible light is just friendly[1] radiation..

      [1] Unless ginger or suffering a migraine

  14. John_D

    Re: @TheOldGuy "But when we arrested them, they said they had come for fishing and were tourists."

    "I say we put Inspector Clouseau, Agent 86, and Columbo in one movie."

    2 out of 3 aint bad - Murder By Death....epic movie ;o)

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've heard crazier things

    Can they not just kill the lizards by staring at them or is that just goats?

  16. Florida1920 Silver badge
    Coat

    Jim Morrison Lives!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0Qtgd9T7kg

    The one with the gecko in the pocket.

  17. Twanky
    Happy

    Yobba Rays On!

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