back to article What do we want? Consensual fun times. How do we get it? Via an app with blockchain...

"Don't ruin the moment. Asking to sign a contract to have sex can be awkward." Of course the simple answer here should be, you're right – I won't. I'll have a respectful conversation with my partner, and if at any point they say no, we'll stop. But it's 2018 now, so obviously that's not what happens next. Instead we get …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've seen some stupid ideas in my time but that's ridiculous and wrong on so many levels it'll probably be a success.

    Curiously though how many options is the thing going to have? I can think of about 20 off the top of my head that one can engage in with a partner. An*l in the garden shed while being watched by a neighbour is one that springs to mind.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      This is indeed stupid, but then so is so much of the "obtain explicit consent" stuff being promulgated now. How many people in real life really ask questions such as (to take the example in the video) "do you want to have sex with me?", or "may I touch xxx?". In reality things aren't that neat & tidy, and both parties mainly rely on non-verbal communication, which is wide open to misinterpretation.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. jonathan keith

          "Self pollution has 100% consent, and no pulling out, as it were."

          Plus there's the added bonus of having sex with someone you love. Or at least like. Most of the time.

    2. Lysenko

      I've seen some stupid ideas in my time but that's ridiculous and wrong on so many levels it'll probably be a success.

      I couldn't agree more, but enough about FaceBook ........

    3. tony2heads
      Unhappy

      Shed

      How can you think of such a thing! Sheds are places where a man can contemplate life (while pretending to work on something) without any interruptions of any sort

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Robert Moore
      Thumb Up

      Re: What One Desires.....

      I want a 100% monogamous sexual relationship, with all the wining and dining aspects too - with a woman who has her own place, as i have mine, and they do not want anything more.

      Is this possible - and it would be good if there was an app allowing people to contact one another for this.

      You betcha. I have had that exact arrangement for the past 6 years. It is fantastic. You just need to be open and honest about what you are looking for going in.

      1. Lysenko

        Re: What One Desires.....

        I want a 100% monogamous sexual relationship, ... Is this possible

        .....

        You betcha. I have had that exact arrangement for the past 6 years.

        If your consent to this sexual relationship is predicated on the "100% monogamy" clause then should your partner have an affair without your knowledge, that renders any subsequent sex with you non-consensual and therefore "rape" under current "zero critical thinking tolerance" criteria.

        In fact, it's rape on two grounds (fraud and by proxy) as well as reckless endangerment while owing a duty of care, which is a pretty profitable area of tort. Lawyers in the bedroom - lovely.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Robert Moore
          Coat

          Re: What One Desires.....

          If your consent to this sexual relationship is predicated on the "100% monogamy" clause then should your partner have an affair without your knowledge...

          I trust her not to break our agreement. If the day ever comes that I no longer have this trust, that is the day I leave, and sue for visitation with her dogs.

        3. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: What One Desires.....

          Lawyers in the bedroom - lovely.

          Along with two witnesses to the document signing and a Notary Public to make it "official". And...possibly several witnesses to verify that the contract isn't broken.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What One Desires.....

      Don't give up! I'm over 50 and for the last year have been in an awesome relationship with someone who like me is self sufficient, independent and generally awesome. That came out the blue after 18 years of being single. It can happen!

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: What One Desires.....

        > Lawyers in the bedroom - lovely.

        Scene: Two lawyers eating their lunch in the park whilst a pulchritudinous jogger goes by.

        Lawyer 1: I'd really like to screw her!

        Lawyer 2: Oh yeah? Out of what?

        1. LaFin

          Re: What One Desires.....

          Thank you for that word. I had not come across it before. No pun intended..

  3. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Gimp

    Oh great..

    First it was bit coins, next it's going to be legal documents for getting laid that are going to bring the fall of civilisation...

    On the plus side at least you could say it brought about the f**king apocalypse in a very literal sense.

    Gimp because how deep does the options go?

  4. Dan 55 Silver badge

    Black Mirror has once again foretold the future

    Not the simulation bit, not yet anyway, but the consent-o-app bit in Hang the DJ.

    I just hope Brooker got Metalhead wrong.

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: Black Mirror has once again foretold the future

      I just hate C4 kicking Brooker to Netflix and leaving us with Electric Dreams.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: Black Mirror has once again foretold the future

        Yeah maybe, but Channel 4 have done far, far worse. Such as broadcasting the Simpsons and cutting out some jokes for length but not saying that they do, and only broadcasting the Daily Show once a week yet asking Comedy Central to make the other episodes unavailable to UK viewers on the Comedy Central website.

        1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

          Re: broadcasting the Simpsons and cutting out some jokes for length

          It's not for length. I noticed this when episodes were broadcast more than once per week, at different times of day. What struck me about jokes in evening shows which were missing from afternoon shows was that the subject matter was always either sexual or drug related. FWIW, I hate it too.

          1. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Re: broadcasting the Simpsons and cutting out some jokes for length

            I've noticed the scene when Homer asks his family to guess where he got the money - and they all reply 'drugs'- has been cut from Channel 4's evening showings. It's noticeable because later in the episode the cut scene is referred yo when Lisa exclaims 'I almost wish it was drugs!' - which makes no sense with no context.

            'The last bastion of the true spirit of rock and roll' was how Frank Zappa described the Simpsons. Oh well. Fuck you Channel 4, you used to be cool.

  5. AbortRetryFail
    Joke

    Rather have a cup of tea

    Looks like Boy George was strangely prophetic after all.

  6. David Webb

    Typical, now my future sexual partners will have a real excuse to be using their phone during sex rather than the usual "wow, bored, might as well check facebook."

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "[...] now my future sexual partners will have a real excuse to be using their phone during sex [...]"

    Assuming they can get a signal in the middle of a cornfield***.

    Back in the 1970s a couple of friends tried all sorts of unusual locations that proved less idyllic than expected. Corn stubble is painful; hot sun burns buttocks; the sea washes away natural lubrication; sand gets everywhere.

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      re al fresco

      Insects are also a problem, especially the areas they seem to get attracted to in those situations.

      Top tip - avoid woods in Summer when insect numbers can be very high

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Top tip - avoid wood in Anne Summers

  8. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Stop the planet

    Seriously, I want to get off.

    I'm utterly fed up of this amusement park design by lawyers and run by acountants.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Stop the planet

      Add to that.. Tweeting everything minor thing. And now... taking your mobile the bed and checking it during the ensuing events to ensure that nothing has changed, legally.

    2. Cuddles Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Stop the planet

      "Seriously, I want to get off."

      That's exactly what this app is for!

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A problem with human nature is that people are influenced by what other people think after the event. Therefore youthful indiscretions that they initiated with an open mind may later on be denied when a new partner or social group disapproves. At worst they transfer the blame for the activity onto their previous partner.

    Twenty years ago married friends could get very proscriptive when they thought their kids were possibly doing something sexual. When reminded about what they as a couple had done at the same age the reply was often "Yes - and that's why they aren't going to get the chance".

  10. SkippyBing Silver badge

    What kind of sick f**k

    Doesn't want tea?

    1. Martin Budden

      Re: What kind of sick f**k

      I can't stand tea. Or coffee.

      I'm drinking beer right now.

    2. Tim99 Silver badge

      Re: What kind of sick f**k

      Doesn't want tea? - Do you put the milk in before or after? Potential relationships have foundered on less.

      1. Muscleguy Silver badge

        Re: What kind of sick f**k

        They physics is absolutely sound. The question devolves to: do you like the taste of scorched milk, or not? or don't care?

        Adding a cold liquid to a very hot liquid will risk scorching the cold liquid. You may remember from Chemistry labs about the dangers of adding cold acids to boiling liquids? Similar.

        I drink tea and coffee black, I actively dislike milk in tea, however added, but if I'm having cream in my coffee I add it first. BTW cappuccino works because you heat the milk to froth it. So scorching does not apply.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What kind of sick f**k

      As the Hell's Grannies graffiti said - "make tea not love"

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If anyone thinks I'm going to spend half an hour filling in a consent request for the foreplay they can think again.

    Regards,

    Gigolo

    1. veti Silver badge
      Devil

      That's the whole point of the app! That "half hour" can be reduced to 30 seconds of frantically fondling your phone - and let's be honest, that part won't be a new experience for either of you...

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Andrea Dworkin called for this in the 1990s.

    I remember because at the time it was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard. Still high on the list.

  13. Mookster
    Facepalm

    Hasn't this been around for a while?

    Didn't it used to be called "Marriage"?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hasn't this been around for a while?

      In many jurisdictions even inside marriage consent has to be negotiated every time. Conjugal rights are are no longer the male divine prerogative that they once were considered to be.

  14. SVV Silver badge

    Romance isn't dead!

    "How does it work? Well, it's your classic love story, really. Boy meets girl, girl fancies boy, boy whips out phone and pings a consent request to girl via a message, girl sets preferences. These might be "use condom", "STD free" or agreeing to taking kinky photos or videos."

    I mean, this is meant for a first date, right? No woman I know would think that someone who pulled out a phone and used an app like this is anything other than a complete arsehole. 'STD free' as an option? I mean.... I know Americans can get a bit weird when it comes to dating, but really! Hopefully everyone with any sense would walk away rapidly before even getting to the point of selecting that.....

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Romance isn't dead!

      But its designed by "tech bros" who know things. Um... maybe not people though but computers and tech stuff. So all is good. <sarc off>

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The other month, after a nightclub, I arrived at a lady friend's house to find some of her well meaning female friends had escorted her home against her will. 'Now is not a good time' one of these strange people told me, but the lady of the house told them to shut up and invited me in warmly. What my lady friend and I knew was that we'd been seeing each other for a few weeks, but out of consideration for small-town gossip we hadn't made it public - so her friends thought I was just a random man from the club who had followed her home. These women, despite my lady friend telling them to go away, insisted on taking a photograph of me. I consented to them doing so, since I had no interest in anything non-consensual (indeed, I don't merely need consent, I need enthusiasm... but then I've never been married). Thankfully the uninvited women then left.

    A few weeks later, my lady friend and I bumped into the protective woman on the street, and the woman apologised to me for taking my photo, saying she did it for 'the sisterhood'. I told her not to worry because I understood her actions came from a good place.

    Life is nuanced.

    1. nijam

      > ...the woman apologised to me for taking my photo, saying she did it for 'the sisterhood'...

      OK until the comma, but the subsequent clause completely devalues the "apology", if you think about it.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The town is home to a lot of very different people. The photo-taking woman I roughly categorised with others I know of similar sensibilities, some of whom I've come to know well (platonically) through regular pub use. For example, I have a rough sense of where their sense of 'right on' might not agree with my sense of humour and avoid it... these avoided areas are usually socio/political in nature. I've not known anyone in the pub to object to sexual humour per se as long as it's not directed at anyone - let's face it, sex is essentially ridiculous and everyone can laugh at willy jokes and double entendres in the right context. Often it's the women who lead the jokes in the lewd direction, and through laughing and self-deprecating confessions we all get to understand each other, fears and desires, warts and all. It's an understanding thankfully unfiltered by twits on Twitter. It's great actually - as long as everybody is happy you can say anything you want - what a relief from the feeling you have to watch what you say.

  16. Blofeld's Cat
    Childcatcher

    Hmm ...

    I think the late Victoria Wood could have made a whole routine out of this app.

    Something along the lines of "The Ballad of Barry and Freda" perhaps.

  17. johnrobyclayton

    Objective Measurement

    Receiving consent is required before engaging is sexual activity by another.

    This is enforced by law and evaluated in the courts.

    At this point in time, as far as I am aware, there is no generally agreed upon standard for objectively measuring or determining consent prior to engaging in sexual activity with another.

    Therefore, as far as I can see, any sexual activity between two or more people must be defined as suspect until a legally binding statement has been recorded by all participants that they did indeed consent to the sexual activity.

    This is insufficient.

    Consent has a very complex definition and it is getting more complex all the time.

    It includes any one or any combination of:

    State of mind of any of the participants, before during and after

    State of mind of others, before during and after

    Age of any participants

    Information available to any of the participants

    Information provided by any of the participants

    Differing local statutes

    The list goes on ...

    I for one do not like an environment where the appropriateness of my sexual activities with others simply cannot be defined before or during the event and can sometimes only be guessed at after.

    You might dislike the solution presented in this article.

    If so, present a better solution to this problem.

    Romance, love and tenderness are all fine and dandy but they are a pile of crap in a court of law.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    bias

    The bias in this article is ridiculous.

    On the surface of it, this app is solving a semi real world problem.

    Why the hate?

    You can't have a normal romantic conversation any more, in a world where lawyers have been unchained to analyse semantics and verbal contracts. It is already ruined. Why hate an app that addresses it?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: bias

      Exactly, as someone who was put through hell for a year because someone I was seeing for 3 months decided to change their mind after the events of 6 weeks of bedroom activity, I'm all for people trying to come up with a solution. We live in a world where criminals exist. To put your fingers in your ears everytime someone points that out is just plain stupid. What does the author suggest people do to protect themselves from criminal activity? She seems to be suggesting that people simply play nice. What an incredibly naive view of the criminal world we live in.

      Come on Rebecca, suggest a workable solution.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: bias

        A more workable solution would be for people to spend more time socialising face to face and

        not through Twitter/Tinder etc, thus learning how to read cues in others. This app doesn't solve anything because a girl can change her mind at any point (including after the form is signed) and that should be respected.

        So, as a start, beer duty should be reduced to encourage mixed socialising in pubs.

        If you really want a technological 'solution' then maybe some kind of encrypted and escrowed audio recording of the whole night, which can only be accessed in the case of a dispute. (I'm just thinking out loud here)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: bias

          "This app doesn't solve anything because a girl can change her mind at any point [..]"

          So can a guy. It's unpredictable what can puncture what looked like being a sexy encounter. As the man from The People used to write "made my excuses and left".

  19. Allan George Dyer Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Am I the only one consumed by curiosity?

    Neil Brown: "I rarely insist on multi-page written agreements before having sex."

    So on what occasions did he insist? Is it a new fetish? (Rule 43 says no...)

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Might have been useful

    for Julian Assange

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Might have been useful

      Linus Torvalds in on record as saying that he makes sure he is never alone with a woman he doesn't know - at conferences, for example. His rationale is just to avoid any possibility of a slur or rumour that would just distract from his life's project.

  21. Robert D Bank

    needs a live feed to change the status of the consent as you go...

    fit-bit to app, yeah I'm up for it, fit-bit to app, I just want to sleep. fit-bit to app, I'm hungry (for food), fit-bit to app, I need a dump, fit-bit to app, nah..to many people on this train...

    1. LaFin

      fitbit to app "breath in" fitbit to app "breath out" fitbit to app "my battery is low" fitbit to app ........ "hello?" fitbit to app "anyone there?"

  22. MK_E

    And just when I thought those college campus consent to sex forms couldn't get any stupider, techbros found a way.

  23. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Multi page contracts

    I don't know about you, but even as a lawyer, I rarely insist on multi-page written agreements before having sex.

    Agreed, I prefer to use a haiku.

    I want to fuck you.

    Do you want to fuck me too?

    If yes sign right here.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What about accidental activities?

    A bit of unexpected movement / slippage at the wrong time (especially in some of the more awkward positions) and you could be in the (not pre consented) brown instead of in the pink - is there some 5 second rule or similar in which to correct the mistake ?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What about accidental activities?

      It's like bumping into someone on the street - as social creatures we're tuned in to whether it was deliberate or accidental, especially if a genuine 'Shit! Sorry!!' is immediately uttered. Again, as social creatures we're attuned to whether an apology is sincere.

      Savoury and respectable activities such as hill walking run greater risk of injury (grazed legs, twisted ankle) or lingering discomfort (midge bites, pulled muscle).

      I once caught up with a friend a couple of days after our liaison in a car and we both laughed at noting that we both had the same number of carpet burns (not noticed at the time, but like nettle stings are awakened in the shower). There was a pleasing sense of mutually about it. I shrink in horror at the mere thought of hurting someone.

  25. Jay 2
    Gimp

    Back to the future

    In the 80s flick Cherry 2000 things in society have got so bad, that people have to take lawyers with them to bars to draw on contracts before any hanky-panky can take place. Due to such things, the main protagonist prefers to have a sexbot.

    To a certain extent, both those fictional things are now things.

  26. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Being passed out means "no" at any time.

    Wonder how many people got burnt by having sex with a passed-out partner...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Passed out doesn't mean no lube

  27. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Dabbsy at it again :D

    https://www.theregister.co.uk/2018/01/12/self_driving_cars_still_do_not_exist_even_if_we_think_they_do/

  28. Scott 53

    Wait, scroll back a bit

    ...sextech?

  29. The Mighty Biff

    DocBrown knows about tea : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2rfHYq2dSE

    and Mrs Doyle probably access youTube : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N20wHvMPTGs

    I can't take credit for those links - culled from this morning's irc conversation :)

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Tea ? It's a bad idea !

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX6va9glqgA

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fifty shades of

    Bitcoin?

    Or would that be Boinkcoin ?

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