back to article Meet R2-DILDO: 'Star Wars' sex toys? This is where the fun begins

Purveyor of, er, marital aids Geeky Sex Toys this month released a "Star Toys" range, a series of intimate tools for him and her brought lovingly to life in the shape of characters from the Star Wars franchise. The battery operated devices hit online shelves to coincide with the release of The Last Jedi, the latest instalment …

  1. Symon Silver badge
    Coat

    At least there'll be no argument about who shot first.

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble? Silver badge

    Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

    Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

    "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell"

    "You're got something jammed in here real good"

    "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid"

    "Control! Control! You must learn control!"

    And obviously: "Look at the size of that thing!"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

      "That's no moon"

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

      You missed this one,

      "The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural"

    3. Nicholas Nada

      Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

      "Almost there... almost there..."

      1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

        Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

        Plenty more to choose from:

        "...don't get cocky!"

        "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

        "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

        "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

        "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

        " I can see the tower, but I can't see the exhaust port"

        "You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

        "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

        "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

        "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"

        "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

        "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

        "Rise, my friend."

        "Open the back door!"

        "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"

        "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"

        "Get clear Wedge, you can't do any more good back there!"

        1. VinceH Silver badge

          Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

          Don't forget "It's a small exhaust port, right below the main port" and (right after it) "The shaft leads directly to the reactor system."

          And didn't Obi Wan tell Luke that he'd have to "learn to use the force if you want to come"?*

          * There may have been a reference to Alderaan at the end of that sentence, which I'm ignoring.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

            Sad, to think the perfect character has been left out. Given the ears he's basically perfect as a stand-in for a jack rabbit vibe.

            "Mesa called Jar Jar Binks, mesa your humble servant!"

            "Oh, maxi big da Force"

            "Dissen gonna be bery messy!"

            "Icky, icky goo!"

            1. Kane Silver badge
              Joke

              Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

              "Sad, to think the perfect character has been left out. Given the ears he's basically perfect as a stand-in for a jack rabbit vibe."

              Whilst I agree with you, I have downvoted you, because you brought that fucking travesty of a character into an entertaining star wars discussion. How many years have we spent trying to ignore him?

              Plus, I will never be able to look at my wife's sex toys again without thinking about him. That's going to put a crimp on my Xmas break.

              Bastard.

        2. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

          RE: "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

          That sums it all up.

          "3PO, you tell that slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, he'll get no such pleasure from us."

        3. BillG Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

          "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell"

          "You're got something jammed in here real good"

          "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid"

          "Control! Control! You must learn control!"

          And obviously: "Look at the size of that thing!"

          "...don't get cocky!"

          "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"

          "Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

          "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

          "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

          " I can see the tower, but I can't see the exhaust port"

          "You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!"

          "Possible he came in through the south entrance."

          "Hurry up, golden-rod..."

          "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"

          "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

          "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

          "Rise, my friend."

          "Open the back door!"

          "Hey, point that thing somewhere else!"

          "I want you to take her. I mean it, take her!"

          "Get clear Wedge, you can't do any more good back there!"

          I didn't realize there were so many double-entendres in Star Wars. Disney does the same thing.

          Quoted them so I can easily find them for reference.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell"

      Magnificent sir, have an upvote and pint.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: "Get in there you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell"

        I do believe that all the commentards and the author deserve a pint or two!

    5. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

      I can't believe nobody has mentioned this one...

      Darth Vader: Don't be too proud of this techno terror you've constructed.

      or

      Darth Vader: Impressive... Most. Impressive.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Calls in to question all sorts of quotes from the films, doesn't it?

        Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?

    6. ShelLuser

      @Rameses

      Quotes from the movie?

      I can think of one now when you're shopping with your kids (who want Star Wars toys): "Come on kids, those aren't the toys we're looking for!".

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Cuming soon.

    IV - A New Hole.

    V - The Empire round the back.

    VI - Return of the Jism

    I - The Phanny Menace

    II - Attack of the clits

    III - Revenge of the slit

    VII - The Fanny Awakens

    VIII - The Last Jism

    IX - TBC

  5. thosrtanner

    Pictures or it's not true...

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      The Internet is teeming with pictures of what you can do with these things. Or so I'm told.

    2. Sawari Ma

      Picture Slideshow Here

      Here's Your Pictures. Just Select 'Start Slideshow'.

      https://www.popsugar.com/love/Star-Wars-Sex-Toys-44335301

  6. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Went looking for a suitable quote...

    Only thing that caught my eye was comments on a quotes website....

    Frederik fergusonApril 10, 2016 at 6:39 AM

    Don't give in to hate. That Leeds to the dark side

    Reply

    Hmm, opinions......?

    1. TonyJ Silver badge

      Re: Went looking for a suitable quote...

      "Went looking for a suitable quote..."

      Went to Leeds a couple of weeks ago to watch Queen and Adam Lambert (brilliant, by the way).

      On leaving the arena, half the sodding local roads were shut as was the M621. As was a chunk of the M1.

      Believe me....Leeds to the dark side is about right!!!

    2. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Went looking for a suitable quote...

      That Leeds to the dark side

      Bloody hell. It's been almost fifty years yet people are still having a go at Don Revie.

      *walks off muttering about those fookin Chelsea fans*

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bravo Sir, bravo!

    "so you can look forward to performing bombing runs on any thermal exhaust port you like without fear."

  8. Salestard

    Yoda was a pornstar

    One evening during a particularly dull pub quiz, we invented Porn Yoda.

    Hmm! Force! It in you!

    Take this you must!

    ad infinitum (or until you get thrown out of the pub for disrupting the quiz)

  9. frank ly Silver badge

    Try later

    "... we're trying to get the firm on the blower ..."

    They're already testing it.

  10. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Counting down...

    to when they get their first cease and desist letter from the rights-holders

    10, 9, 8...

    1. caffeine addict Silver badge

      Re: Counting down...

      7... 3... 2... 1... 6... 5... 4... *boom*

      1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

        At Caffeine Addict...

        I see you're still using one of the old Pentiums for all your counting needs. =-)p

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: At Caffeine Addict...

          Whoosh!

  11. ukgnome Silver badge

    so many Star Wars quotes

    "sorry about the mess"

    "you came in that thing?, You're braver than I thought"

    "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside"

    "Theres an awful lot of moisture in here"

    "Rise my friend"

    "into the garbage shoot fly boy"

    "you're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing and go home"

  12. jacobbe

    Daily Mail ran this story on 6th December. Only 3 weeks late. Keep up.

    1. DNTP Silver badge

      Yeah but do you think the Mail made their author basically prank call Disney to try to get some funny reaction commentary? Fast content vs deep content.

      1. caffeine addict Silver badge

        Fast content vs deep content.

        Especially the butt plug...

    2. jrd

      > Daily Mail ran this story on 6th December. Only 3 weeks late. Keep up.

      I'm sure this story was unearthed by El Reg's team of hard-working and dedicated researchers, I refuse to believe they're just copying old articles from the Daily Mail (the shame of it!)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Embarrassing maybe but not as embarrassing as admitting you read the daily mail.

    4. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge
      Angel

      RE: Daily Mail ran this story on 6th December.

      Daily Mail ran the story but ElReg did the, ahem, research.

  13. Banksy
    Coat

    This is not the clitoris you're looking for...

    I've got nothing else.....

    1. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: This is not the clitoris you're looking for...

      That was not the hole you were looking for.

    2. Chemical Bob Bronze badge

      Re: This is not the clitoris you're looking for...

      "These aren't the 'rhoids you're looking for"

  14. s. pam
    Holmes

    Suitable for Crapita?

    Seems a Darth Vader electro butt plug my be a suitable pressie for the Crapita team working on the TfL network...

    Why Sherlock Holmes. Because he told me to suggest this!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Put it in, you will.

  16. hatti

    That's not a dildo, it's a light sabre

  17. DNTP Silver badge
    Go

    An elegant accessory of a more civilized age

    Not as clumsy and random as a batter blaster.

  18. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    I reckon they missed a trick by not calling the butt-plug a restraining bolt.

  19. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    Can't believe I'm he first to point out the XKCD reference.

  20. bazza Silver badge

    Alec Guinness would be rolling his eyes...

    1. Stevie Silver badge

      Alec Guinness would be rolling his eyes...Bah

      Alec Guinness doesn't have any eyes.

      As Norman Greenbaum sang:

      "When I die and they lay me to rest, ain't gonna go around moving my chest

      When I die and I don't move a lot, I'm gonna lie in a deep hole and rot".

  21. Mike Moyle Silver badge

    Does the company make a Storm Trooper butt plug?

    "These aren't the 'rrhoids you're looking for."

  22. Astrohead

    Luke - use the force. I've run out of lubricant.

    1. Bernard M. Orwell Silver badge

      Abuse the horse, Luke.

  23. Matthew 17

    That's not how the force works!

    These toys aren't that new, I used to buzz womp rats in my T-16 back home.

  24. Chris King Silver badge

    "[At the time of publication, the author of this piece was cringing as he keyed in the digits of the telephone number and prepared to ask probing questions about sci-fi dildos, as the rest of the office laughed and downed our festive drinks – Ed.]"

    Richard, did the Ed make you do this for suggesting the story, or did you lose a bet ?

  25. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Use the force, Luke

    Close your eyes and shoot.

  26. Banksy
    Joke

    There’s something inside me that’s always been there....

    Dirty girl!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But does it illuminate?

    (Warning: very very NSFW and not good for your sanity either: https://www.therobotsvoice.com/2010/06/fan_fiction_friday_optimus_prime_and_princess_leia.php )

  28. handleoclast Silver badge
    Coat

    The name is Obi. Wankin' Obi.

    With a bit of a hand solo from Luke Skywanker.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The heading picture looked quite suggestive for a moment when coupled with the title. Then I realised R2D2 was facing forwards. I'll have to stop reading El Reg before they start using Rorschach ink blots to head articles.

  30. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    Another few quotes...

    "Do or Do not, there is no Try."

    "...hive of scum & villany..."

    "Help me R2, you're my only hope!"

    =-)p

  31. harmjschoonhoven
    Facepalm

    What Force?

    They are battery operated ....

  32. kain preacher Silver badge

    what no links ? I want to see pics.

  33. JJKing
    Facepalm

    You forgot the movie presently being rewritten.

    IV - A New Hole.

    V - The Empire round the back.

    VI - Return of the Jism

    I - The Phanny Menace

    II - Attack of the clits

    III - Revenge of the slit

    VII - The Fanny Awakens

    VIII - The Last Jism

    IX - TBC

    The Jism Strikes Back.

    snicker snicker snicker

  34. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    in the words of Chris rock: " I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody!"

  35. kesawi

    A few more apt quotes

    "No, I am your father"

    "She’s fast enough for you, old man"

    "Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes"

    "There’s always a bigger fish"

    "I sense much fear in you"

    "So this is how liberty dies"

    "I think I just blasted it"

    "Stay on target"

    "Now, witness the power of this fully operational battle station.”

    "Give yourself to the Dark Side"

    "Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your… sister"

    "Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you."

    "I assure you, Lord Vader. My men are working as fast as they can.”

    "Boy, it’s lucky you have these compartments!"

  36. silks

    Extended usage...

    The most dedicated fans will of course purchase the mains adaptor for extended use :)

  37. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Leia

    A life-like Leia android, in a Gold Bikini would probably sell quite well

  38. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    the author of this piece was cringing as he keyed in the digits of the telephone number and prepared to ask probing questions about sci-fi dildos, as the rest of the office laughed and downed our festive drinks – Ed.]

    The author isn't by any chance the new hire/intern/trainee reporter?

  39. MonkeyNuts.Com

    Never figured Darth was into BDSM!

    Princess Leia Organa: Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

    1. MonkeyNuts.Com

      Re: Never figured Darth was into BDSM!

      The again, loved black, leather, masks, strangulation, multiple identities, power obsessed and calling a special someone Master...

      I obviously lived a sheltered life.

  40. vcayenne

    Caught your eye, did it?

    I'm thinking that if the Hand Solo "penetratable" caught your eye, your testing methodology's fundamentally misguided and you'll be needing a refresher on your guidance systems.

    1. soulrideruk Bronze badge

      Re: Caught your eye, did it?

      Maybe they were trying to put it in their mouths and missed...

      Like me with my tea while reading your comment...

      For clarification, I didn't catch my eye with this tea spill...

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