back to article Meet the woman with a supernatural affinity for stiff lovers

It takes all sorts to make a world and some on the fringes of life often turn up on daytime TV. And so El Reg was fascinated by the story of Amethyst Realm, who dumped a human in the, er, physical realm to become a ghostbuster banger. Realm, a 27-year-old spiritual guidance consultant, told her tale of the lucky stiffs to …

  1. Paul 75

    Nick Cave's Dead Man in my Bed, or perhaps even Stone Temple Pilot's Dead and Bloated :-)

    There must be so many songs for this!

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Or anything by Stiff Little Fingers

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Interesting take on mast***ation

    Most original take on self-pleasuring. Almost as lonely as using mechanical toys. In fact lonelier.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: Interesting take on mast***ation

      Yes, if said apparition is of the stereotypical moaning ghost wrapped in chains variety, this is known as 'clanking'...

      1. Len Goddard

        Re: Interesting take on mast***ation

        Clanking chains - you mean we can have spectral bondage as well!!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Of all the things that are happening in the world at the moment, this is what the ITV's premier daytime show thinks is important.

    What a waste of air.

    1. Richard 81

      Daytime TV is always fluff like this though. It least this is less harmful to one's health than watching Jeremy Kyle.

    2. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: a waste of air

      Not at all. One of the reasons that the other things are happening is that so many of our species can self-delude to this extent. Treat daytime TV as a documentary review of humanity and you'll be better prepared for the idiots when you meet them in real life.

    3. fajensen Silver badge

      I’d say this was the Best news item of the entire week.

  4. EddieD

    A wide choice

    Obviously Spirituals would be first choice, and most Boy/Girl bands would be okay too as it's mainly ghostwritten. Sling in "Bela Lugosi's Dead", some White Zombie, and any Death Metal.

    Quite a lot of choice.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A wide choice

      +1 Bela Lugosi's Dead

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: A wide choice

        Any track from The Beatles "Rubber Soul" album

    2. FreddDagg01

      Re: A wide choice

      So why not *Joan Crawford (Has Risen From The Grave)"?

      It rocks out, and always makes me giggle at the same time.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: A wide choice

        A cover of that one from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes... How did it go now? Something about gem stones? Ah yes, Amethyst's a ghoul's best friend.

      2. wayward4now
        Paris Hilton

        Re: A wide choice

        So why not *Joan Crawford (Has Risen From The Grave)"?

        She might take a clothes hanger to your naughty ass, instead of a good time!

    3. Andrew 6

      Re: A wide choice

      How about Powerwolf - "Resurrection by erection"? Quite an entertaining track

  5. frank ly Silver badge

    You Take My Self Control

    I, I love among the creatures of the night .......etc.

  6. smudge Silver badge
    Coat

    Things That Go Hump In The Night

    Allstars, 2001, apparently - and in the first Scooby-Doo movie.

    OK, I'll admit I changed one letter...

  7. Andytug

    "Invisible Man" - Queen

    "Something Inside So Strong" - Labie Siffre

    "Ghost Love Score" - Nightwish

    "Give Up The Ghost" - Radiohead

    "Sleeping With Ghosts" - Placebo

    etc....etc

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Telekinetic-dildonics

    I wait for Ken Munro to test it for vulnerabilities

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      I'm waiting for some sort of licensing being required by some VC backed company. I guess the lawyers haven't become involved yet if for no other reason than them being blood-sucking undead.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Genesis - Dancing with the moonlit knight

      Genesis - Unquiet slumbers for the sleepers

      Iluvatar - The final stroke

      IQ - The other side

      Japan - Ghosts

      Kaipa - Screwed-upness

      Marillion - Out of this world

      Pink Floyd - The great gig in the sky

      Pink Floyd - In the flesh?

      The Specials - Ghost Town

      Steve Hackett - Spectral mornings

      Steve Hackett - In another life

      Steve Hackett - The ballad of the decomposing

      (Steve's always good for an odd song-title. His music was described by my wife as "lots of notes in the wrong places"..)

      Steve Hackett - Love song for a vampire

      Unitopia - Suffocation

      Unitopia - Not human any more

      (Observant readers may notice a slight prog tinge to my choices..)

  9. Semtex451 Silver badge

    So was she..

    to die for?

  10. hopkinse
    IT Angle

    WTF???

    Is The Register now a sister publication to the Daily Star?

    1. Richard 81

      Re: WTF???

      Is this your first time here? I guess you've not seen the Bootnotes sections before.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: WTF???

      You won't find devops in the star or tits in devops.

      1. WolfFan Silver badge

        Re: WTF???

        You won't find devops in the star or tits in devops.

        Trust me, there are lots of tits in devops.

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: WTF???

      "Is The Register now a sister publication to the Daily Star?"

      It's taken you nearly 6 years to find the Bootnotes section?

  11. hplasm Silver badge
    Happy

    First excuse...

    What's this goo on the bed!?!

    Er, ectoplasm...

  12. Sam Therapy
    Happy

    Alice Cooper - Cold Ethyl.

  13. Bucky 2

    How do I join?

    What kind of drugs do I have to take so that I, too, can participate in ghost sex? For example, in "Sausage Party," you could see into the 4th dimension by doing bath salts.

    1. DropBear Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: How do I join?

      Any, as long as it's an overdose. So I'm not quite sure it's worth it...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clearly on the spirits.

    Spirit in the sky (song recommendation)

  15. smudge Silver badge
    Devil

    If she got knocked up, then it really would be a phantom pregnancy.

    1. m0rt Silver badge

      I genuinely laughed out loud.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ...

    Sneaky Bat Machine's "Boneshaker" comes to mind...

  17. malle-herbert Silver badge
    Joke

    Who you gonna call ?

    Ghostboinkers !

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Who you gonna call ?

      You best hurry up and register that title. I suspect there's a movie in this.

  18. ukgnome Silver badge

    The only issue I have with ghosts - Well I say only.

    Why are ghosts usually "seen" wearing clothing? It's not like your clothes die when you do.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Windows

      It's true, my clothes died years ago but I'm still wearing them.

      1. Morten_T

        >>It's true, my clothes died years ago but I'm still wearing them.

        My clothes aren't dead - they just smell that way :D

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      So you're a naked ghost kinda guy? A free spirit.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Stop it!

    You're giving me the willies!

  20. Proud Father
    Facepalm

    Unchained Melody

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_(1990_film)

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There is an Australian song which I'm not going to repeat here. His name was Jack.

  22. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Coat

    So would this be

    Fiends with benefits?

  23. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

    A Little Piece of Heaven

    by Avenged Sevenfold

    (linkage)

  24. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

    Kubla Khan

    Not a song but the reference is obvious.

    "A savage place, as lonely and enchanted/as e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted/by woman wailing for her demon lover."

    (AIUI, Catholic doctrine says that all dead people are either in heaven, hell or purgatory. So there are no ghosts. Anything that appears to be a ghost, therefore, must be a demon. In this case, an incubus.

    She's lucky really. In the 17th century the equivalent of the Jeremy Kyle show was a quick trial in front of a witchfinder followed by burning at the stake. Nowadays, that's reserved for Celebrity Big Brother.)

    1. Hollerithevo Silver badge

      Re: Kubla Khan

      Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

      1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge
        WTF?

        Re: Kubla Khan - Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

        Are you suggesting that not only is she claiming to have sex with ghosts, she's claiming to have sex with lesbian ghosts?

        My mind is boggling even more.

        1. MichaelBirks

          Re: Kubla Khan - Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

          Please. "Lesbian" is so constricting. Bo, the Unaligned Succubus, swung as many ways as Captain Jack Harkness.

  25. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Joke

    Ah, souls!

    ^ The oldies are the goldies.

  26. Jonathan 27 Bronze badge

    I really don't know why people put this sort of stuff on TV instead of getting her the mental help she so clearly needs. People are so cruel.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      It's because you can't just walk up to someone and "give them the help they need". You need their consent.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I have been dressing in tomato sauce soaked rags, dragging a ball and chain round her house, for nigh on twelve years. Take my word -- she's getting all the help she needs.

    2. fajensen Silver badge

      She is not suffering and she is not harming anyone.

      “Help” would make her suffer and take something from her that she enjoys. For no reason other that imposing conformity.

      Hardly an ethical thing to do, I think

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    She's going to feel a bit of a fool

    when one day someone points out that "It is more about the pressure, you feel a weight, a heaviness” is just sleep paralysis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

  28. Graham Lockley

    Music ?

    Only one song that fits

    Alice Cooper - I Love The Dead

  29. herman Silver badge
    Angel

    Hell's Bells, Highway to Hell, Bat out of Hell...

    She sounds batty all right.

    1. hplasm Silver badge
      Devil

      "She sounds batty all right."

      Nah, she's just a Creepy fucker.

  30. dmacleo

    heh...she thought it was a spirit. I got some good disguises and.....got some :)

  31. earl grey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    "Over to you all."

    Erm, i read that as "all over you". No thanks.

  32. Garymrrsn
    Joke

    Been There Done That

    Ah, the pleasures of erotic night spirits! Unfortunately my affairs with them only lasted a short while, sometime between the ages of 10 and 13.

  33. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    A young lady from Pembroke Dock

    Was in love with the spirit of God

    But it wasn't the Almighty

    Who lifted her nighty

    'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod!

  34. Packet

    To use an urban colloqualism, "bitch be cray"

  35. Sawari Ma
    Alert

    Who's Bad

    It's All Sh*ts And Giggles Until Someone Sees Michael Jackson Haunting A Child Care Center...

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "close encounter"

    This is the right category.

    I suspect Jacques Vallée would have something to say about this.

    In the Age of Confusion and "Hypernormalization" where we find, among others: Fake News, Trump Tweets, Hillary Reality Constructions, Tortured Oligarchs in Freedom-Loving Saudi Arabia, cheap Russian Threats sheeple management, aggressive BLM moaning for more gimmedats, May Flower Brexit with a side dish of frank fascism à la Amber Rudd, Bitcoin Bubbles and now finally the arrival of Jerusalem in the mythical birthplace of $ETHNICITY, the old-fashioned encounters with "aliens", -- which I hope we may agree have been entirely on the spiritual plane because real aliens are nowhere to be found nor likely to be found -- might well morph into "close encounters of the fourth kind" entirely, i.e. interaction with GHOSTS!

  37. Mike Moyle Silver badge

    "The Ghost Inside" - Broken Bells

    "Ghost Man On Third" - Taking Back Sunday

    "The Ghost in You" - The Psychedelic Furs

    "Push The Ghosts" - The Twang

    "Ghost Rider" - Rush

    "The Ghost of Love" - Simply Red

  38. HunterofSnarks

    Clearly anything by the Grateful Dead -- she seems to think they are grateful, anyway.

  39. Mycho Silver badge

    Roses

    Too macabre?

  40. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  41. Pompous Git Silver badge
    Happy

    I'm just...

    ... dying to shag her!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'm just...

      Medium I'd Like to...

  42. Pompous Git Silver badge

    Dead Meat

    Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias

    Dead Meat

  43. This post has been deleted by its author

  44. TRT Silver badge

    So if she enjoys a bit of...

    DP A/V, would she be having fun between the sheets?

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What really happened...

    A man in a pub asked her if she'd like to see his ghoulies, she said yes, he whipped them out, and she had to fill herself with spirits to unsee what she'd just seen. We've all been there...

  46. hnwombat
    Pint

    The song answer is obvious: "Dead Man's Party".

    Many of the other suggestions are also, great, I have to admit. :-)

  47. Sceptic Tank
    Devil

    Haven't had that spirit here since 1969

    Welcome to the Hotel California

  48. jim parker

    Concrete blonde - Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Waste of good TV air-time.

    Hmm. A necromancer perchance?

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