back to article BOFH: The trouble with, er, windows installs

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns "What you're looking for is plausible deniability," I say to the Boss. "I don't know what you mean." "Well you know the rule about hanging up on someone?" "No." "Always hang up when YOU'RE talking, never when they're talking." "They'll hear the handset going down." "Only if you' …

  1. mr_souter_Working

    Database Normalisation Warning

    yep - that would be an issue for me as well, sadly i work in a low building.........................

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Database Normalisation Warning

      So, no unfortunately loose and unshielded electrical cabling? Or unreliable light switches? Pzzzt!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Database Normalisation Warning

        I used to work in a place with exposed 7,000V switchgear running HALF AN INCH apart of STEEL CABINETS that could be leaned on.

        A nice push on them would cause "sparks".

    2. John 110

      Re: Database Normalisation Warning

      You've got windows!! Bastard!!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Database Normalisation Warning

        They don't open though.

        Unless you push really hard and fast.

        1. JR
          Devil

          Re: Database Normalisation Warning

          Any window is openable at least once.

  2. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Excellent as usual.

    Pub o' clock it is then.

    Cheers.

  3. Dave K Silver badge

    Looks like falling out of a window is the new Halon. Always knew the BOFH would find an alternative!

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      It is also both sustainable and more friendly to the environment, in more than one way. See? Going Green can be fun if you do it right.

  4. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    And this boss had been doing so well...

  5. Andy Taylor

    Simon's taking inspiration from George R R Martin - introduce a character, get people to like them, kill them off unexpectedly.

    Thinking about it, the BOFH probably has a higher body count than GoT.

  6. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    Nice to see that the BOFH celebrates "black friday" over there. I'm wondering if the Security fellow has an aversion to touching brass firepoles outside windows.

    And dammit, I know *just* what the BOFH means. Horriday change lockout on Tuesday morning.....

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Coat

      Mine's the red Star Trek crew member's jacket…

    2. Jonathan 27 Bronze badge

      Certainly more that all the named characters who died in Got. Probably less if you include all the nameless soldiers.

    3. macjules Silver badge

      Simon's taking inspiration from George R R Martin - introduce a character, get people to like them, kill them off unexpectedly.

      No, get people to talk about them than kill another one off.

      "WTF George why did you kill another Stark?" (Red Wedding - Rob and Talisa)

      "Oh come on dude, seriously stop killing off Starks please" (Red Wedding - Catelyn)

      "Ok, I'm going to shut up now in case you kill another. BTW, when is Book 6 coming out.. WTF you just killed off Jon Snow you bastard."

      1. LaeMing Silver badge

        George is actually on record as saying: "Every time someone asks me when my next book is coming out, I kill a Stark."

        1. imanidiot Silver badge

          Luckily he's fast running out of Starks to kill if he keeps going like he does now.

    4. Marshalltown

      "Simon's taking inspiration from George R R Martin..."

      Not all. BOFH was around long before GoT.

      http://bofh.bjash.com/bofh/genesis1.html

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "long before" is a stretch, and may even be incorrect.

        I can't remember the first time I read BOFH, but it would be have been mid to late 90's

        The first Game of Thrones book came out in 1996...

        Perhaps Simon IS George R. R. Martin....

  7. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    Some top tips there at the start of the story :)

  8. earl grey Silver badge
    Pint

    Have one

    And then have another.

  9. Florida1920 Silver badge

    If I worked with BOFH

    I'd ask for a ballistic sweater for Xmas.

    1. DropBear Silver badge

      Re: If I worked with BOFH

      Is that the one with a built-in auto-deploying base-jump parachute...?

  10. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Sheer genius!

    Lovely Friday treat. Especially after a week in which you feel like implementing a number of database normalization warnings yourself.

  11. chivo243 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    that's one way to mire the project!

    "And that's a tricky one - because on the one hand we're trying to encourage BYOD so that staff don't use their home machines for personal stuff but on the other hand we're also trying to ensure the inherent safety of our systems."

    Dazzled with brilliance or baffled with BS, that'll keep the project in neutral...

  12. Jonathan 27 Bronze badge

    I don't know about that, I'd expect the BOFH to just add whatever resolutions he likes into the database or just select whatever the code phrase for "User is an idiot" for every call. I generally find that systems that limit resolution options don't result in unclosed calls, just calls that are categorized.

  13. Sixtysix
    Linux

    Over reliance on Windows...

    ... as a BOFH you'd have thought they'd have diversified by now!

    1. Neil 44

      Re: Over reliance on Windows...

      But they are Open Source - or is it Open Destination?

      1. FeRDNYC

        Re: Over reliance on Windows...

        As long as they open, period! Non-openable windows are the BOFH's greatest challenge. The sort of person who designs buildings with those is liable to suffer a catastrophic database normalization error in their own home.

      2. IanTP

        Re: Over reliance on Windows...

        Final Destination, surely :)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "Open Destination?"

          "But they are Open Source - or is it Open Destination?"

          Open Sink (fast one, too).

  14. adam payne Silver badge

    Database normalization warnings, their a killer they are.

    1. William Towle
      Go

      > Database normalization warnings, their a killer they are.

      :)

      My first thought was that if you were getting such warnings you could differentiate between incidents by putting the date in the field.

      Then I remembered this was the BOFH, and realised that might still not be sufficient...

  15. CbD1234567890

    Normalize the company into oblivion, shall we?

  16. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Pint

    Maybe i'm just fortunate enough that I can hang up when we have an annoying call or charge more to get rid of them.

    Been offering free delivery all day for Black Friday...It's always free, but it results in a lot more sales when people think it's free today only...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "And that's a tricky one - because on the one hand we're trying to encourage BYOD so that staff don't use their home machines for personal stuff"

    Should be "so that staff don't use their work machines for personal stuff", surely?

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      No, I think the BOFH is *quite* happy for people to use work machines for personal stuff. You never know when admin-level access to someone else's personal stuff might come in handy.

    2. offroad99

      I don't think you understand the insinuation.

  18. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Friday

    Dump in-tray in bin

    BOFH

    Shutdown (Forcibly: plug out)

    Pub

    What on God's Earth could be better.

    1. Blofeld's Cat
      Pint

      Re: Friday

      "Dump in-tray in bin"

      No, no. You dump your in-tray into your out-tray.

      I did this for years, and was pleasantly surprised by how little stuff came back for a second go.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Friday

        Minister: It’s not that simple, is it?

        Sir Humphrey: Would you like us to simplify it for you?

        Minister: I would.

        Sir Humphrey: In that case, just move all the paperwork that we give you from your in-tray to your out-tray. We’ll do the rest.

  19. FeRDNYC

    I can see a new Facilities trend...

    "It's a very nice office space, good parking, but does it have first order normal windows?"

    1. Loud Speaker

      Re: I can see a new Facilities trend...

      Mine is the one with WindowsXP

      1. Graham Dawson

        Re: I can see a new Facilities trend...

        xtra-pivoting?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What the fûck is it with beards? Face merkins.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Interesting correlation...

    As I read this episode (late in the day, west coast USA), I am watching an episode of _Law & Order_ which relates to mob bosses and hit men. Somehow there might be a correlation between mob "wise guys" and being a BOFH.

    You know.. Bodies disappearing, "Accidents", etc...

    So there you have it, a BOFH is a level above a mobster, and has "Plausible Explanations".

    Moral of the story.....Don't get in a BOFH's way.

    p.s. I checked the witness protection box before I entered this comment.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Re: Interesting correlation...

      A BOFH worth his name *will* find vays und means of givink you problems the rest of your life*

      *usually way shorter than the average human lifespan**

      **sometimes by the order if an hour or two, depending on the method used to piss off said BOFH

  22. lsces

    How many other laptops trashed with this weeks updates?

    Just spent the morning around a neighbours trying to restore this laptop so it works with the second monitor. It was working perfectly Thursday and has been for a number of years even after M$ forced an update from W7 t W10 DESPITE!!! update being switched off. It seems now that the latest update does not like the hardware ... in which case Don't Frigging UPDATE a machine that you can't keep working !!!!!

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Re: How many other laptops trashed with this weeks updates?

      Yay for M$.

      NOT.

      Perhaps you've posted this on the wrong thread? Still quite entertaining, and forewarned is forearmed since my company have a couple of users with laptops and dual-screens.

      Now I am going to dread going to work on the morrow... :)

  23. ShadowDragon8685

    Simon might want to rethink this one. This one's wise to his ways, having been party to a window incident himself. He's also canny - perhaps canny enough to have lodged a tell-all confession with his solicitor to be sent to the Met "in the event of my untimely demise."

    Besides, having The Boss on his side for once would allow for great power to be leveraged by the IT department... Aaand having admin-level access to his boss's personal machines could be good leverage. The best leverage; yuuuuge leverage!

  24. Huw D

    I think the only place with a higher body count is Midsomer.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Can't work out why anybody would want to live there. Housing must be cheap.

  25. Myvekk

    I never before realised how synonymous Database Normalisation Warning was to Defenestrating...

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