back to article The day I almost pinned my tushie as a Google Maps landmark

Facebook wants to look at my nuts. Aided and abetted by the Australian Government, the $407bn fake news disseminator is fascinated by my inseminator. By having a right old gander at my toilet duck, it hopes to stop other people from Googling my googlies. It's no game. Australia's eSafety Office has confirmed that it will …

  1. Franco Silver badge

    Facebook are trying to put out the fire with gasoline.

    I'll get my coat....

    1. JetSetJim Silver badge

      I was a bit stunned at reading that you have to send your photo to FB for it to be hashed by them, and then they look for that hash in photo uploads to block it.

      Wouldn't it be better to hash it client side and just send them the hash of photos you don't want other folks uploading? I dunno, perhaps invent some new and exciting way of creating the hash at image creation time as part of the camera software

      No doubt some naughty peeps would then hash various news photos to prevent their dissemination, but perhaps some mechanisms could be used to minimise this.

      There's a Grauniad article which states:

      In the Australian pilot, users must first complete an online form on the e-safety commissioner’s website outlining their concerns. They will then be asked to send the pictures they are concerned about to themselves on Messenger while the e-safety commissioner’s office notifies Facebook of their submission. Once Facebook gets that notification, a community operations analyst will access the image and hash it to prevent future instances from being uploaded or shared.

      Facebook will store these images for a short period of time before deleting them to ensure it is enforcing the policy correctly, the company said.

      which seems to imply a human will be looking at each of these images..... Yeah, that's a good idea

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        "No doubt some naughty peeps would then hash various news photos to prevent their dissemination, but perhaps some mechanisms could be used to minimise this."

        In what way is this functionally different to uploading the photo to Farcebook and letting them hash it?

        1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          "In what way is this functionally different to uploading the photo to Farcebook and letting them hash it?"

          You can't reconstruct the photo from the hash, so if FB only get the hash, they can't "lose" the photo.

  2. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

    while Zucker has a snicker at my pecker.

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

      Can your pecker do a marathon?

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Coat

        Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

        Can your pecker do a marathon?

        No, but it does snickers...

        And, as the advert says, "Get some nuts!"

        Although I've now created a very disturbing mental image for myself involving Mr T. I'd go and have a cuppa to recover, but that involves teabagging, which just isn't helping.

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

          "Comes up peanuts, slice after slice!"

          1. Chris Miller

            Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

            "What has a hazelnut in every bite?"

            Squirrelshit!

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

              "What has a hazelnut in every bite?"

              You sir, are off-Topic for these august commentardery columns.

        2. MrT

          Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

          Aaaand, cough!

          [pins boilerplate disclaimer of any and all involvement here]

          1. Mage Silver badge

            Re: This is why I keep reading Something for the Weekend, Sir?

            Though the biggest flaw, not mentioned by the Dab hand, is that often the victim doesn't have have the photo. The former lover / friend / scammer took it.

  3. W4YBO

    I'm stealing this!

    security rentaquote advocate

    1. B*stardTintedGlasses

      Re: I'm stealing this!

      "professor Alan Woodward of the University of Surrey, a Security Expert"

      I swear the man has been quoted in the Beeb pretty much every time there is ANYTHING remotely "hackery/security" and was even on El Reg the other day.

      "Oi Boss, whatssat geek's name? the one we talk to about the latest company to get hacked? Yeah, the one on retainer".

      1. Muscleguy Silver badge

        Re: I'm stealing this!

        You can bet your bottom dollar that the Prof lists all his media appearances in his performance assessments and gets lots of approval by his university, which gets mentioned every time he pops up. Expensive to buy such exposure and his Principal and Dean will be most impressed.

        I remember in one job dutifully filling in some online form for the university listing my competences but of course never got tapped. Just wait until there is some mass snafu in muscle anatomy and my day will come. Until then I lurk in my mad scientist lair communing my my fellow illuminati and plotting the singularity, with muscles.

  4. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Pictures!

    ...or it didn't happen!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Pictures!

      I'd prefer if it didn't happen...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ch ch ch changes

    Oh, come on, nothing really changes. If you think there were golden years, when there were no scary monsters and super creeps, then you really are living in a moonage daydream.

    1. Laura Kerr
      Thumb Up

      Re: Ch ch ch changes

      This is putting a lot of people under pressure, but I for one will have to express my sorrow and rebel rebel against this. It's pretty clear that Facebook are absolute beginners here; not only that but this is not America and I'm afraid of Americans - they're too quick to send the bombers across the universe to feel safe, even if that makes everyone scream like a baby. Young Americans don't know what's really happening while their boys keep swinging with teenage wildlife.

      Anyway, I'm well into my golden years now, so if all the young dudes want to get real, they should remember that we're here today and gone tomorrow. So listen to the DJ and let's dance with the China girl. After a miracle goodnight, the next day will see me start a new career in a new town. It's ain't easy, but I'll just stay a queen bitch.

      1. David 18

        Re: Ch ch ch changes

        @ Laura Kerr

        Bravo, well played ma'am!

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Ch ch ch changes

        There's one thing the younger ones today either never learned or ignore: "youthful exuberance is no match for old age and treachery".

  6. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Excellent, and made me smile :)

  7. brotherelf
    Coat

    What a good opportunity that would have been to turn your posterior into a Egréss Go! arena, though I guess a dodgy mystery kebab will do that just as quickly.

  8. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Grease is the word

    [I]Judging by the inconsistent performance of Apple's iPhone X Face Recognition, I wonder if the industry is quite ready to roll out what the French might call Fesse Recognition.[/I]

    Apparently the FBI have been able to do this since the 50's, at least according to Grease.

    1. Seajay#
      Headmaster

      Re: Grease is the word

      We'll have none of your BBCode here, this is a respectable site.

      It's < i> italics < /i> like this

      Does anyone know why &lt; doesn't work? It was painful trying to write that without the spaces, so I gave up.

      1. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: Grease is the word

        Does anyone know why &lt; doesn't work?

        Scroll down to "Formatting"

        M.

  9. Potemkine! Silver badge

    I knew it! 'FB' means....

    ... Fesse Book.

    1. Mark York 3 Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Re: I knew it! 'FB' means....

      I prefer Faeces Book.

  10. Richard Jones 1
    FAIL

    There Might Be An Upside

    This just could be an upside to this, it is possibly the one time that false positives were in everyone's favour.

    If it killed off a few hundred, thousand, million (delete to taste) stupid pouting faces along with some jackass nude images all could be well with the world.

    I cannot help but think that the more restricted the image coverage, the less likely it is to get a good recognition match, so it could be a useless effort.

    If anything the name of the owner would be more relevant as a search term, as in 'here's a picture of vbhgfbut's bits' but that might cramp Zuckbook's monetising efforts.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: There Might Be An Upside

      Sad reality is... Zuck, and a few other politicians just want a free pron source for "research", ahem "safety" of the public...

    2. Warm Braw Silver badge

      Re: There Might Be An Upside

      Zuckbook's monetising efforts

      I suppose it's only a matter of time before we get Buttcoin.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "[...] the photos will be recognised and blocked automatically, and the perpetrating teenage wildlife instantly get a blackstar."

    ...and a permanent police record for the subject of the picture. A teenage selfie can attract those in the UK. No doubt Facebook will be obliged to report to the police any hashing submission that appears under 18.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      A naked selfie should not be a crime for the selfie taker, no matter what the age...

      The laws in this area are totally messed up and I think just put children in more danger.

      1. lglethal Silver badge
        Go

        Hmm...

        Since Facebook are asking for the Pictures and some of the People sending them would be under 18, does that mean Facebook would be breaking the law by "soliciting underage pornography"?

        Just curious...

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Hmm...

          So everyone from Zuck down to the janitorial staff should be locked up? We're going to need more jails.

      2. Muscleguy Silver badge

        It wasn't taking the image which was and is criminalised it is transmission of it. If you are under 18 then by transmitting an image of your naked self you are transmitting kiddy porn. That is how the thing works.

        Though various things have to happen for plod to find out about it and decide to prosecute. If memory serves in that case the recipient fellow showed it around the class.

        No matter how much you might fancy someone or like them you need to be very, very sure of their reliability and honesty before you entrust them with personal secrets.

        Though it took me some time to convince my wife that I didn't have a secret Swiss bank account. She couldn't believe how poor I was.

  12. macjules Silver badge

    How did you know ...

    I may as well pop my naughty photos onto an encrypted USB stick, chuck it onto the back seat of a taxi and watch the Google analytics go crazy in the knowledge that I cut out the man in the middle and did so on my own terms.

    ... that this is the acceptable format for leaking highly sensitive government data, such as ministerial visits to Israel, comments by ministers on detained Reuters journalists?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Zucker has a snicker at my pecker

    very evocative, aka this I must see - likely on fb!

  14. Teiwaz Silver badge

    First, I'm a bloke. This makes me 99.9%* more likely to be an offender than a victim. That's just the way it is. Dirty boys. Little wonder.

    Also not a politiican (plus the ocassional celebrity) - there's been a few caught out having dispatched images of their members (from the back benches).

    * 99.9% of...

    Doing the Revenge Porn thing

    Having a nudie of an X-partner in your possession.

    Or merely having a hard disk or 3 full of young ladies with not much on...?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Without wishing to point out the obvious but the person taking the picture would be the person maliciously uploading in the majority of cases so how are you going to upload it in the first place if you don't have it?

  16. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge
    Pint

    I've tried to come up with a witty comment I could somehow work in spiders from Mars, but no luck so far.

    Have a nice weekend, everybody!

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      >> I've tried to come up with a witty comment I could somehow work in spiders from Mars, but no luck so far

      "He played it left-hand..."?

  17. Fading Silver badge
    Unhappy

    I was so worried.....

    I immediately sent lots of my naked pics to facebook - they sent them back with a cease and desist letter and confiscated my camera.....

  18. Andytug

    Tagnut recognition?

    Sounds like a job for WIN N(u)T?

  19. rcp27

    "cheerfully suggested that I share "the story" of my arse with my friends"

    Didn't you do that the other week? I'm sure I recall reading the story of MYaaRS

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Yeah, I think Dabbsy is having a mid-life crisis. He seems to obsessed with his arse these last few weeks.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's just facebooks plan/start on a new business...

  21. Cat Sitting

    ?

    Has David Bowie just died or something?

  22. Andy A

    With the current state of image analysis...

    This seems to be a guaranteed disaster zone, what with new iPhones having terrible trouble recognising their owners,

    To confirm things, MS have just rolled out a new version of their photo viewer on Win10. It, or possibly their free cloud offering, attempts to classify photo content. It offered me "fruit".

    Well, I didn't remember taking pics of greengrocers' displays, so I had a look. There were three pictures there; all had been uploaded to OneDrive.

    First up was a pic of the interior of a pagoda in the Forbidden City in Beijing. Well, there were a few apples and oranges along with the huge floral display, but you could hardly describe it as a picture of FRUIT.

    Next was a picture of the Terracotta Army in Xian. Nothing edible to be seen anywhere.

    The third was a photo of a gravestone.

  23. Lez

    Moonage has just gotten a whole new meaning

    I can now only hope for the day that Dabbsies hairy moonage footage stops being the first thing that comes to mind when I hear that song.

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