back to article BOFH: But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns “I don’t know what to say,” the Boss says, looking confused. “It’s OK, there’s nothing to say,” I reply. “It happens every year – you’ve just not been here long enough to know.” The Boss has a dilemma. A pair of our main virtual hosts has some interoperation hardware issue which is …

  1. Augie
    Pint

    Excellent..

  2. Wiltshire
    Joke

    Re these designer belts with a 128 gig USB3 stick built into the buckle.

    That'll be my excuse for taking off my trousers in the middle of the office.

    It's the only way we're going to be able to do this business-critical backup.

    1. Jonski

      ...taking off my trousers in the middle of the office... to do this business-critical backup...

      Mooning the office is a different kind of back-up methinks.

    2. Jedit
      Joke

      "It's the only way we're going to be able to do this business-critical backup."

      If you undo your belt your trousers will fall down. Is that what you mean by a business critical back up?

  3. John G Imrie Silver badge

    Oh dear

    The BOFH, the PFY and the Boss working together. This can only end in tragedy. I wonder who for?

    1. thosrtanner

      Re: Oh dear

      I detect a tragedy for my coffee, followed by a large laundry bill

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Oh dear

      The BOFH, the PFY and the Boss working together. This can only end in tragedy. I wonder who for?

      Yes, it's a shame that all desktops have cameras now, and that the ironic accident just happened to be in sight of at least 3 separate ones.

      Why else do you think they want those USB sticks?

      :)

    3. Bullseyed

      Re: Oh dear

      I would have assumed the boss would fail to push the director, get fired, and they'd put in the window security to prevent "crazies" from trying to defenestrate people.

      1. YetAnotherLocksmith

        Re: Oh dear

        Would you? You must be new here. ;-þ

  4. chivo243 Silver badge
    Devil

    The coin drops

    I was wondering why that window situation hasn't been addressed... It's all part of the bigger scheme!

  5. adam payne Silver badge

    There was me expecting them both to go out of the window.

    Getting money to replace server kit is like pulling teeth sometimes.

    It is much easier to keep rebooting that old Exchange box you want to replace to cause downtime. Of course you would move the MDs mailbox on to that server before you starting your campaign of random reboots. The project gets of the ground quite fast after the MD can't access his mailbox of few times.

    Of course I have never done this and you can't prove I did. ;)

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      (Psst! You forgot to post anonymously. Now the Internet knows your crime and will applaud or punish you accordingly.)

      1. Roger Varley

        We are talking about a BOFH here. Adam Payne is probably the name of the annoying little twonk he is forced to work with (or for)

        1. FeRDNYC

          In the comments on a story about defenestration? C'mon, people. This so-called "Adam Payne" is a transparent alias!

          Yours Cordially,

          George Glass

          1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

            @ George Glass

            You're not related to Patti O'Doors, are you?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Methinks you may have missed the punchline.

        a damn pain

        A million apologies if I am wrong Adam.

    2. Dr Who

      Very good. But did you write that on a smartphone whilst packed into a railway carriage sardine style?

    3. Jonathan Schwatrz
      Happy

      Re: Adam Payne

      ".....old Exchange box....." One trick that seemed to be in vogue a few years back was to give a "monitoring function" to a server. In essence, many monitoring tools allowed you to dump reports out as HTML, so it was easy to write a C program to get the unformatted HTML file from the real monitoring server, format the HTML into a webpage file, and then have this read from your internal webserver. Getting reports and monitoring data online was all the rage. Then, simply give any server under review the formatting program for a vital service, such as Exchange. When the beancounters started asking if you really needed server X (which just happened to be your Counterstrike server and illicit MPEG storage), you could say; "Well, it runs our Exchange monitoring function, and email is a critical business service, and I'm not sure we want to run the risk of losing visibility of a critical business service....."

      Of course, an added benefit was if you were ever seriously pushed to make cuts in your server estate (and after the obligatory stonewalling and emphasis on how hard a task that would be, as in requiring overtime), you could simply collapse a few "monitoring function servers" into one and claim "significant server estate reduction".

    4. K Silver badge

      lmao, this used to be one of my many tricks when we needed new ESXi upgrades... be careful if you do this, consider a carefully placed and unassumingly named script on the server to take care of it.

      Though nobody ever clocked on it was 1 VM that had a "problem", rather than the whole ESXi host (which was running about 20 VM's).

      Another tip. when the Firewall needs an upgrade, switch on QOS and drop the priority of (or rate limit) HTTP, HTTPS and VOIP.

  6. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Wow!

    The lions sleeping with a lamb.

    I'm shocked! Truly shocked!!

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      They just tenderising the lamb until it's kebab time.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Wow!

      You know what they say.

      Keep your enemies close, and your snacks (victims) closer.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wow!

        And...

        "To stab some one in the back, you must first get behind them."

    3. Oengus Silver badge

      Re: Wow!

      The lions sleeping with a lamb.

      Whats the old proverb? The lamb may lay down with the lions but you can bet they lamb won't get much sleep...

  7. Dr. G. Freeman

    So now his BOFHness has video footage of the Boss helping the IT director out the window.

    And his fingerprints on the window key as more evidence.

    Bye boss.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Pint

      Great username Dr Freeman -->

    2. Jame_s

      "Make that six,” the Boss says, wiping his fingerprints off the window key before dropping it in my drawer.

      video maybe, fingerprints on the key, no

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        fingerprints on the key, no

        According to the Jason Bourne movies, retro-fitting those isn't a problem, even if the owner of them isn't around ..

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge

        "Make that six,” the Boss says, wiping his fingerprints off the window key before dropping it in my drawer.

        video maybe, fingerprints on the key, no

        This Boss is either a fast learner or perhaps a former BOFH .

    3. ILW

      I would think with that sort of evidence, the boss would be more useful alive?

    4. MJI Silver badge

      But they sometimes get bosses they like!

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        "But they sometimes get bosses they like!"

        Indeed, what is better than a boss who is willing to get his hands dirty for the greater good? One who's aims are *broadly* in line with the BOFH and PFY? Also must come as a great relief to know that it is not only their window that seem to be an H&S trap...

        Methinks a few nice new 4k monitors and fast desktops are coming to desks near by, such as shame of one was *caught* with pr0n on it...but maybe the boss is too useful...

    5. Marshalltown

      I

      "...And his fingerprints on the window key as more evidence...."

      Reread the bit when the Boss returns the key. He wiped it before dropping in the drawer. One to watch closely.

      1. Kiwi Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: I

        "...And his fingerprints on the window key as more evidence...."

        Reread the bit when the Boss returns the key. He wiped it before dropping in the drawer. One to watch closely.

        ...As he finds the not-so-secure grating in the ROB faller...

  8. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Happy Friday everyone!

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
      Pint

      thankyou! countdown to beer begins when I finish in 5 mins... :)

  9. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    Nicely done.

    The window situation is now dealt with - I have to wonder how the charged brass pole will be handled next.....

    Apparently Simon has either decided that this Boss is someone he can work with, or the plot is far deeper and more twisted than we've seen before. I'm guessing there's a director's female offspring in the mix somewhere.....

    1. Kiwi Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Nicely done.

      I have to wonder how the charged brass pole will be handled next

      Quite shockingly I'd imagine...

  10. Valerion

    Is this the dawn of...

    The BBFH ?

  11. DuchessofDukeStreet

    Dr G Freeman appears to have the situation summarised...Simon will never be working with a Boss for any legitimate reason. Such behaviour would be treasonous to a BOFH of any calibre...

  12. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    Stop

    Draw full of random keys

    So thats why I always find draws full of random keys!

    The BOFH could of at least disposed of said keys before our company brought their building.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Draw full of random keys

      The BOFH could of at least disposed of said keys before our company brought their building.

      Bought!

      sorry ... </pedant> .. relax! have a beer! its friday!

      1. FeRDNYC

        Re: Draw full of random keys

        You were pedanting, and overlooked "could of"? (It's "could have", or the contracted form "could've".)

        Tsk. How quickly can we get a sales guy in to talk about some pedant upgrades?

        1. Muscleguy Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: Draw full of random keys

          You missed the title, it is drawer.

          Icon because pedantry is a vitally necessary skill in science. As in writing code, software or DNA/RNA.

          1. Gary Turner

            Re: Draw full of random keys

            Actually not. A draw is the movable part, the part that is drawn. The word drawer is more common today, but woodworking books from pre WWII generally call them desk draws or a chest of draws, etc..

            g.

            1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge

              Re: Draw full of random keys

              "but woodworking books from pre WWII generally call them desk draws or a chest of draws, etc.."

              Ah no wonder I made the error, my school was very hard up for anything (Should see the nice shiney place now)

          2. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
            Facepalm

            Re: Draw full of random keys

            Blast, that was very poor of me, however it makes a change from randomly offending people.

  13. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Pint

    Lovely episode

    Needed that after a tough week. Need one of those too -->

    But that can wait a little longer

  14. Florida1920 Silver badge
    Windows

    Another reason

    not to use Windows.

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: Another reason

      Back in the '90s I always warned people living in wood houses not to run OS/2 version 3.0, far too dangerous!

  15. Pirate Dave
    Pirate

    “No, it’s too generic and we already have safety servers."

    That made me snort. It's a shame you can only plant a crop in some fields every few years. Usually the cycle corresponds to the changing of the employment status of the Senior Beancounter. If there's nobody around to say "Hey, didn't you buy a new CMS server 2 years ago?" then it's time to do a PO for a new CMS server...

  16. This post has been deleted by its author

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For us, it's more of a "well, the previous manager decided to collapse the virtual machines running on 11 hosts to a blade chassis with 8 servers on it without consulting us to make sure that it would support the load and have enough spare capacity for expansion."

    which is why we are spending an Imperial Arse-load of money on servers instead of storage this year. (that was about the only GOOD thing the last manager did was to buy a metric f*&k-tonne of storage during his tenure, except that I would have preferred an upgrade and expansion to the existing storage appliance than replacing it with one that does only about a third of what the old one did.)

    anon for obvious reasons.

  18. CbD1234567890

    Didn't they just get a rubbish bin outside the Boss' office - full of sharp broken glass to make a "point"

  19. ShadowDragon8685

    Goodness, did the BOfH actually get a Boss who is competent (or at least canny enough to stay out of his way,) and operating, like him and the PFY, on the wavelength of pure Bastardry?

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