back to article A todger, a 2.5kg dumbbell, the fire brigade... and the inevitable angle grinder

A German chap is in recovery mode after firefighters battled tirelessly for three hours to free his member from a dumbbell weight. The unnamed gent based in Worms, a city nestled in the Rhineland-Palatinate, mid-west Germany, got his spawnhammer stuck in the 2.5kg metal disk on Friday and was transported, ever so gently, to …

  1. Semtex451 Silver badge
    Pint

    Well he did bench 5kg

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Coat

      Correction - clue in headline

      Oh 2.5Kg is that all?

      I got excited on account of the photo

      I'm famous for going off half cocked.

      1. VinceH Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Correction - clue in headline

        "I'm famous for going off half cocked."

        And that's how the guy in question almost ended up.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Unhappy

      Bench test

      I feel more likely he wasn't able to bench 5kg, which led to his heavy metal mishap.

  2. Mattjimf

    And the female equivalent

    http://www.deccanchronicle.com/lifestyle/sex-and-relationship/180917/couple-rushed-to-hospital-with-mans-head-stuck-in-his-wifes-vagina.html

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: And the female equivalent

      That dude only got half his head stuck. This gent went 'whole body,' and he didn't mess around with little iron donuts. High gravity minerals were employed!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He should have stuck to cock push ups.

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      "He should have stuck to cock push ups."

      Well, one is all you need!

  4. Richard Gray 1
    Joke

    What a dumbbell end...

    Thank you I'm here all week

  5. TRT Silver badge

    If he was visiting the A&E department...

    did he have to suffer a long weight?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: If he was visiting the A&E department...

      Well they did give him a hard time as it took three hours to get it off.

      1. AndrueC Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: If he was visiting the A&E department...

        as it took three hours to get it off.

        So, he's got a lot of stamina then?

  6. Jimboom
    Trollface

    Simply a misunderstanding

    You see someone told him that he should go pump some iron.

    And he even thought it was working in the beginning.. after all he was promised rock hard muscles.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Simply a misunderstanding

      Maybe he was just going back to his roots as a Caramoja tribesman?

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Simply a misunderstanding

      I need a new keyboard now. You win the Internet for that.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    a “vibrating” saw

    I thought those were reserved for the (pardon me), members of the opposite gender?!

    p.s. a link to a youtube video, or it didn't happen!

    1. cray74
      Facepalm

      Re: a “vibrating” saw

      p.s. a link to a youtube video, or it didn't happen!

      Unfortunately, in 2009 one enterprising woman did attempt the use of a vibrating saw. Her mistake (work safe news article) was fitting the prosthetic, plastic male component over the existing saw blade rather than using a safer mount. A hospital visit by way of helicopter airlift followed.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: a “vibrating” saw

        I feel sick.

    2. H in The Hague Silver badge

      Re: a “vibrating” saw

      Probably one of these:

      https://fein.com/en_uk/oscillating-multi-tool/multimaster/fein-multimaster-fmm-350-qsl-edition-2017-0372811/

      Very useful for awkward jobs and safe to use close to the human body as the blades don't grab (I think they're also used for removing plaster casts). Still, I prefer to keep mine away from my body parts. (So far I've only worried about my fingers, but now ....)

      Though it looks like they broke the cast iron (relatively brittle) weight rather than cutting all the way through it.

      1. cray74

        Re: a “vibrating” saw

        Though it looks like they broke the cast iron (relatively brittle) weight rather than cutting all the way through it.

        I brought this up with the metallurgical lab at work and its fracture mechanics team during lunch, since we'd pretty much run through all our Irma stories last week. (Some more squeamish lunch participants favored a return to weather stories when I raised this topic and said, "I've got pictures!") Anyway...

        Brittle cast iron does have fairly straight fracture surfaces, but not as straight as depicted in the article's photo. The only place I'd suspect of a fracture is the cut through the "2" in "2.5", there seems to be a chip at the rim of the weight there.

        The other surfaces are too linear for fractures - there'd be some deflection and pebbling in the surfaces. It looks like the two smallest chunks (left side of the photo) and the chunk on the lower right were removed as circular chords to make way for shorter, direct cuts to the center. That simplified and minimized the sawing heading radially inward toward the delicate meat bits ("spawnhammer?") trapped there.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

          Re: a “vibrating” saw

          Seriously, you should write a paper on this, this is actually quite interesting. I'm not quite sure where to publish it, though.

          1. Swarthy Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: a “vibrating” saw

            I'm not quite sure where to publish it, though.
            In Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, of course.

  8. chivo243 Silver badge
    Meh

    C'mon just think

    of that lovely ex-wife... who needs a visit to the hospital? However, I wonder if guys who end up in this kind of predickament can get a woman?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: C'mon just think

      I'm going with "yes." After all, he's the man that "breaks iron plates."

      1. Elmer Phud Silver badge

        Re: C'mon just think

        Nah, 'The man who shags metal rings' just doesn't add that air of mystery.

  9. defiler Silver badge

    Ummm - I fell...

    Seriously, I think it should be part of the CE regs that all holes must be clearly too small to stuff a penis into, or too big to get one stuck.

    Either that or there should be legislation that said appendages are forfeit to the Gods of Misadventure.

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Meh

      Re: Ummm - I fell...

      "Too small" would be too small to get a bar through capable of holding the weight. Some people are cursed with devilishly tiny todgers.

      Likewise "too big" would be wider holes than now.

      The only solution is for some men to raise their standards and stop fucking fucking gym equipment.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Ummm - I fell...

        Like that time on the pornch killer.

      2. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: Ummm - I fell...

        @Tigra 07

        Or bicycles...

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/15/bike_bloke_sentenced/

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/10/26/bike_incident/

    2. handleoclast Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Ummm - I fell...

      Such regulations would mean that testing would need to be carried out.

      Tests for holes in the cases of electrical equipment, to ensure that somebody can't touch live parts, require the use of a British Standard Finger (yes, there really is such a thing).

      Your proposal would require the creation of a British Standard Penis (by this I don't mean Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson or Tony Blair). Which might be a very useful test item because it would have prevented the famous Hoover Dustette Penile Mutilations (it's warm, it vibrates, it sucks, it aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggh).

      1. razorfishsl

        Re: Ummm - I fell...

        There IS a BSI Penis.

    3. HildyJ

      Re: Ummm - I fell...

      Adding hole size to the CE regulations would be too complicated. Instead, all products with a hole between 2 and 6 cm should be required to have a safety warning, "Do Not Insert Penis", in permanent contrasting 36 point type surrounding the hole.

  10. Richard Scratcher
    Coat

    Angle grinder?

    Surely just a quick clean and jerk would do the trick.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Angle grinder?

      If he'd have gone straight to the snatch instead, he'd not have found himself in this situation.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Angle grinder?

        I bet he was doing squats at the time, too...

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You missed the back story...

    ..he decided that clothes were to restrictive, so he decided to do it naked.

    However he slipped and his member accidentally went inside, at the same time the bar accidentally entered his rear orifice.

    Whilst repeatedly trying to remove the bar with multiple forward and backward motions, he failed to notice it was causing issues with the blood supply to his penis, causing an unexpected swelling.

    It was at this point he tried thrusting backwards and forwards multiple times, but it just got more stuck. Even self lubricating failed to help, in fact it seemed to become more sticking as the lubrication dried.

    Honest Dr.!

    1. Tim Jenkins

      Re: You missed the back story...

      I'm so naive.

      I genuinely thought that this might have been a tragic accident, where the gentlemans gentleman had somehow become trapped between the flats of two weights, perhaps while stacking them with sweaty, post-workout hands.

      Then I began to wonder why all that rescue equipment was required, and why it was necessary to shatter the disk to 'extract' him.

      And then I read the above...

      1. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: You missed the back story...

        "I genuinely thought that this might have been a tragic accident, where the gentlemans gentleman had somehow become trapped between the flats of two weights, perhaps while stacking them with sweaty, post-workout hands."

        I've actually done that but with my index finger, it was the most intense pain I've ever felt. 2 x 25Kg weights slamming together and my finger tip in between. I've never seen so much blood come of me from small place! It cost me finger nail too which to this day, 25 years later, still never grew back properly.

  12. wolfetone Silver badge
    Trollface

    2.5Kg?

    Imagine what he'd have managed with viagra?

    1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: 2.5Kg?

      Amputation?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    When will people learn, if you use your pubes as whiskers you'll never get stuck.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge
      Windows

      Words to live by - right there.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      How hairy are you Dude? Unlike at Cat - my "whiskers" are at the back.

  14. richardcox13

    Disappointed

    No Diet puns.

    Doesn't anyone know their history?

    Diet of Worms.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Disappointed

      Hier stehe ich, ich kann nicht anders?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    To be fair his personal trainer did tell him to "pump some iron"

  16. Vizesnyolcas

    deja vu

    In an incident in Budapest some four decades ago a diamond tipped dental drill was employed to remove a stainless steel ball bearing.

  17. hi_robb

    oh dear

    I hope he doesn't attempt the clean and jerk next.

  18. Banksy

    It's what you do with it that counts...

    That's what I tell the ladies anyway. No need to be trying crazy methods to make it bigger.

  19. Mike Moyle Silver badge

    The DISK weighed 2.5 Kg

    I'm sure the dumbbell weighed considerably more!

  20. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
    WTF?

    Call me naive about such matters, I tend to stick to putting my member in the holes God made available in our beloved human counterparts but couldn't they show him a picture of his gran naked or just jack him off, surely either of these would make said member flaccid?

    1. Swarthy Silver badge
      Unhappy

      To actually be serious (for a second)

      That's the danger of these types of ordeal, the blood cannot flow back. (Closed-flow priapism)

      Arteries are on the inside of appendages, to keep them more protected; while veins are on the outside. While blood can flow into the {arm/leg/finger/todger} in a restricted area, it may not be able to flow out.

      Sedating the gent can help as less blood will be directed to the area in question, but the pressure keeps the blood from leaving.. had they tried manual manipulation, as you suggest, the blood pressure in his wedding tackle would have increased, still with no return option, rupturing quite a bit of tissue and would have prevented him from ever getting into this (or any other) situation ever again.

  21. ShadowDragon8685

    What I don't get is why European docs always, always call the fire brigade.

    And how the fire brigade manages to do this kind of thing without losing their lunch.

    In the U.S., the firemen take one look at this kind of situation, when called, and Nope the hell out!

    Then a urologist is properly consulted, an incision is made, the member is drained, and the offending device simply removed.

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge

      I'd rather take my chances with the vibrating saw.

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