back to article Stuff the movement of celestial spheres, let's sit down and watch Bonnie Tyler on TV

I'm on deadline for two concurrent articles and another client has asked me to rebuild their app with a new welcome screen by tomorrow morning, which is also when I shall be training a classroom of delegates how to use spectrophotometers to create custom-calibrated ICC profiles. So much to do, so little time to prepare. Which …

  1. jake Silver badge

    Bonnie Tyler?

    Didn't she do "Coal Miner's Daughter"? Or am I concatenating dreadful pop music(ians) again?

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Re: Bonnie Tyler?

      Also the equally dire "Lost in France", which as a nipper always seemed to be belting out on a loop at various Nov 5th events my parents used to take me to. So now in my brain that song is indelibly linked to fireworks and bonfires.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bonnie Tyler?

        Normally I agree wholeheartedly with Dabbsy columns, but I also would think of "lost in france" or "It's a heartache" if you asked me to name Bonnie Tyler songs. "Total Eclipse" would be an "oh yeah, that too" song.

        Binmen TV - whatever next. Despite spending my life since the 1970's in technology, developments of the past 5 years or so really has started to depress me.

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: Bonnie Tyler?

          Bonnie Tyler had two careers, defined as (1) Before Jim Steinman and (2) After Jim Steinman.

          Career No.1 can be safely flushed from memory as it was terrible. Unless you're the kind of person who says: "David Bowie? You mean the bloke who recorded 'Laughing Gnome'?"

          1. Fading Silver badge

            Re: Bonnie Tyler?

            Faster than the speed of night is probably my favorite track of hers (off the same titled album) with its obvious Steinman influenced play on words.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Bonnie Tyler?

            Speaking of Jim Steinman, has anybody heard how cr@p the latest Meat Loaf album was?

            Like he'd had a stroke, got throat cancer and developed emphysema.

        2. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

          Re: Bonnie Tyler?

          Yes, "It's a Heartache". Which my childhood self always misheard as "It's a Hard Egg".

          1. LesB

            Re: Bonnie Tyler?

            Bother, you beat me to it, Cap'n

        3. oljensen

          Re: Bonnie Tyler?

          She actually did (Simply) The Best the year before Tina Turner

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bonnie Tyler?

      Don't ask me - I had her mixed up with Bonnie Langford!

      AC - isn't it obvious?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bonnie Tyler?

      First thing on my mind was "I need a Hero".... going to the pub to wash down / out that thought

  2. John G Imrie Silver badge

    Sheer Heart attack

    I think I'd have gone with Cardiac Arrest by Madness

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Sheer Heart attack

      Nah, that's for the spin-off prequel...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Sheer Heart attack

      What about?

      Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton

      Something's got a hold of my heart - Gene Pitney

      or even

      Kickstart My Heart - Mötley Crüe

    3. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Sheer Heart attack

      It should be the Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive.

      That's the correct beat to do cardiac compressions to, if you ever end up doing CPR. Which is a lot faster than people expect. Advice seems to differ on whether you should bother to stop to breathe for the patient if you're on your own - so if you take the US official advice and don't, you should even have enough breath to be able to sing along...

      1. GlenP Silver badge

        Re: Sheer Heart attack

        I was originally taught that Nellie the Elephant was the correct rhythm and correct number of compressions before breathing. Then it changed to doing Nellie twice, making sure you didn't pause in the middle.

        Personally I found it easier to just count!

        1. Dave Harris

          Re: Sheer Heart attack

          Toy Dolls version?

          1. John G Imrie Silver badge

            Toy Dolls version?

            ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

            Nellie the elephant ....

      2. Alister Silver badge

        Re: Sheer Heart attack

        as well as Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive, chest compressions can be done to Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, but it gets embarrassing if you start singing it out loud...

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Sheer Heart attack

          Somehow, Tom Lehrer's "Masochism Tango" springs to mind. In particular the snippet:

          "All at your command,

          before you here I stand,

          my heart is in my hand ...

          Euw!

          "

        2. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
          Coffee/keyboard

          Re: Sheer Heart attack

          as well as Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive, chest compressions can be done to Queen's Another One Bites The Dust, but it gets embarrassing if you start singing it out loud...

          My conference call colleagues need new eardrums now :D -->

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Sheer Heart attack

          Not as funny, but also:

          "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel.

          "When the Lights go Out" by Naked Eyes

          "You're my Favorite Waste of Time" by Marshall Crenshaw

          Crap from the Past did two entire shows on CPR songs back in 2012. There must be other Boogiemonster fans on El Reg...

      3. Mr Sceptical
        Boffin

        Re: Sheer Heart attack

        From what I remember from my last first aid course:

        If you're on your own doing CPR, the priority now is chest compressions as they also force air in & out of the lungs as long as the airway is clear (it's the Airway part of the ABC).

        If you've got assistance, they can do the breathing, then you swap places when you're knackered from the compressions. Then keep that up until help arrives or the patient starts to breathe on their own.

    4. SW10
      FAIL

      Re: Sheer Heart attack

      I was on the operating table for a particularly, ahem, delicate operation to ensure the family size remained stable.

      The staff had thoughtfully put on some very middle-of-the-road music to take my mind of things, which was great right up to the point where Cat Stevens sang "the first cut is the deepest..."

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: Sheer Heart attack

        The Transfusion Service could use AC/DC's "If You Want Blood (You Got It)".

        1. graeme leggett

          Re: Sheer Heart attack

          I'd say that's a Touch Too Much close to the bone...

    5. Haku

      Re: Sheer Heart attack

      How about watching the fly-on-the-wall "Ambulance" show whilst The Prodigy - Take Me To The Hospital is playing in the background.

      Too literal?

  3. Mage Silver badge

    Excellent

    I'm set up for the weekend.

    Being without any useful Internet Cap and given the descent of Irish & UK TV to Italian level, I watch DVDs / BD if watching video at all.

    Only a book lets be do less other things at the same time :)

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      Re: Excellent

      I haven't watched (UK) TV for a long time. Has it really got that bad?

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Excellent

        "got"?

        1. JulieM Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: Excellent

          Yes. Get, got, have got.

          1. earl grey Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: Excellent

            Get, got, have got, have getted, have gotted.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Excellent

      "Only a book lets be do less other things at the same time"

      You can listen to the radio at the same time ...and also ponder on how the brain time-shares attentioan in bursts between the two media. You do tend to miss the bit of the weather forecast for your area though - unless you live in Scotland or Ireland.

  4. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Drones can check out any guests

    Did they get the idea while staying at a Travelodge?

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Devil

      Re: Drones can check out any guests

      My first thought when they suggested drones to police your BBQ was not that it was a great idea. But that if I was going to do it, they'd enforce a bring a bottle policy. No acceptable booze with you and targetting mode is engaged. "You have 20 seconds to comply".

      If it detects Blue Nunn or Lambrusco, then no warning will be given before opening fire. I'm not having checmical warfare at my house.

      Then my psyche shows how low it's willing to go, by planning the mode that enforces laughter at my jokes with the threat of fiery death from the sky.

      Does this make me a bad person?

      1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Drones can check out any guests

        Does this make me a bad person?

        Own it.

      2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

        Re: CCTV Drones first thought

        Dark Angel.

      3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: Drones can check out any guests

        "Does this make me a bad person?"

        Yes, but in a good way.

  5. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    "Where are the ... spunking willies?"

    Well, if you look at the bottom right of the image, that seems to do quite well as one end of the doodle. Try having a quick look through the files again to see if you can find the other half.

    Paris, because, well, she's looking through the files too.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Where are the ... spunking willies?"

      "Paris, because, well, she's looking through the files too."

      Paris, because, well, she's looking through the flies too.

      FTFY

      1. werdsmith Silver badge

        Re: "Where are the ... spunking willies?"

        Music on French TV, well for a the last 15 years they had Alizée who at her peak would have been the cause of quite a lot of said spunking willies.

        Not the ones that were carved into wooden desklids with a compass in my day though.

  6. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Danger

    Willy doodles would probably be illegal these days.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Danger

      "Willy doodles would probably be illegal these days."

      Only if they look like the owner is under-18 - and not a smoothie.

      I have several Wicked Willie mugs - mostly of start signs. One of these days the neighbours' children - when retrieving their football from the garden when I am having elevenses - are going to ask what the Janus-style character is on the Gemini one.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "[...] and spunking willies?"

    One of my classmates in the 1960s was quite good at drawing - he eventually had a career as an Art teacher.

    Our boys-only secondary school had a teaching staff of only men - until the day a new junior French teacher arrived. A rather attractive lady - très petite. Instantly nicknamed "Fifi".

    The classmate produced one of those "flick" paper-block cartoons that you animate with the edge of your thumb. You get several seconds of action. It was quite popular in the school - featuring the French teacher déshabillé with a copious climax from the suggested viewer.

    Inevitably the headmaster found out about it and a summons was issued. What happened is not recorded - and it seems churlish to raise the subject with anyone who might know. Many old people apparently get convenient amnesia about their youthful indiscretions.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Perhaps the headmaster just wanted a look?

  8. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Better than BOFH

    Nice one Dabbsy :)

  9. 's water music Silver badge

    ringo willy cat, what happened next

    Apparently he got out of music and into catering and racism

    Tragically his son died, but does the son remind you of anyone? Do I win five pounds?

  10. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    you need only watch the first 45 seconds

    "Don't worry, you need only watch the first 45 seconds. The rest is just Ringo Willy Cat singing the rest of his song, which is utter fucking torture to be honest."

    That's a strange place to keep a spare pair of socks!

    1. Chemical Bob

      Re: you need only watch the first 45 seconds

      I found the first 45 seconds to be utter fucking torture.

    2. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: you need only watch the first 45 seconds

      The French approach to music is quite unique in the world. I remember being trapped in a Paris disco in 1975 or something - trapped by a large group of young female US exchange students otherwise I would have killed someone to get out - and the music was just fucking* awful. What made it really bad was there would be a roaring guitar intro that would drop into a plinky plonky song with vogon poetry for lyrics. I didnt have enough money to drink myself deaf - I did try even at around £3 for a demi of shit french lager.

      *no fucking fucking fucking awful.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: you need only watch the first 45 seconds

        Disco? Well, there's your problem!

        Disco still sucks. Worst thing New York ever inflicted on the planet.

        1. Roj Blake Silver badge

          Re: Disco still sucks. Worst thing New York ever inflicted on the planet.

          Since November last year, disco is only the second worst thing that NY has inflicted on the planet.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Disco still sucks. Worst thing New York ever inflicted on the planet.

            Nah. The big fat orange idiot in chief will be forgotten about in half a generation, other than as an object of derision or perhaps a cuss word. Disco, unfortunately, has been digitized and will be with us until the head death of the universe ...

        2. Pedigree-Pete
          Alien

          Re: Disco still sucks.

          Just ask Mark Watney....PP

  11. This post has been deleted by its author

  12. Esme
    Coat

    Get back to your what, Dabbsy?

    "Look, whatever, just let me get back to my box set." - you have a set of boxes? What are you a cat with kittens? Oh a boxed set of DVDs or BluRays you meant? Well why didn't you say so?!

    (mutters about the youngsters today buggering the language...) <grin> Mines the one with the wooly hat and the OAP bus pass in the pocket.

  13. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Defrag

    the only Windows program I miss.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Defrag

      Defrag. One of many Windows problems I don't miss.

  14. druck Silver badge
    Flame

    Bin Body Cams

    Maybe the cameras can also catch the bin men spilling rubbish all over the street and dumping the bins randomly on the pavement outside the wrong house.

  15. 2FishInATank

    What do we want?

    Bonnie Tyler lyrics.

    When do we want them?

    Every now and then...

    1. jake Silver badge

      Who is "we", Kemosabe?

      I mean, I have seen the enemy and he is us, but Shirley that kind of treatment is against the Geneva Convention(s).

  16. Florida1920 Silver badge
    Holmes

    the visuals themselves are quite unnecessary

    I've been non-watching a lot of Brit and Scandinavian cop shows on Netflix lately. That means, I hear the audio but am off doing something else at the same time. I rarely have to go back to pick up a thread. Note to TV producers: if you can't make the visuals compelling, just give the actors distinctive voices so we can keep track.

    Cramming a story into 42 minutes is tough. I get that, so all the blather is required. Ever notice that when two cops drive to a crime scene, one waits until they are out of the car at the scene to fill in the other cop about the people/place involved? On the way to the scene they must have been listening to old episodes of Gang Busters on MP3.

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