back to article User demanded PC be moved to move to a sunny desk – because it needed Windows

Welcome agin to On-Call, The Register's weekly column in which we share readers' stories of being asked to achieve the improbable, by people who are impossible. This week, meet “Richard”, who wrote to share a story from his time working at a healthcare provider at which he “received a call from someone who was demanding that …

  1. Mark 110 Silver badge

    Error 524

    IN OTHER NEWS: El Reg has been throwing intermittent 524s for the last 90 mins. On call engineers are unavailable for comment :-(

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Error 524

      They have replied to my email: "Yeah, we know..."

      Early birds catching the worm.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Error 524

      Solar storm, earthquakes, hurricanes, 524's.

      It's the Russian's I tell you.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Error 524

        The Russian's what? And which Russian?

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Error 524

          @ jake

          Beat me to it ya bugger!

        2. Evil Auditor Silver badge

          Re: Error 524

          I tell you, the Russian even throws apostrophes. Wildly!

          1. m0rt Silver badge

            Re: Error 524

            " "El Reg: TITSUP" with a suitably punny subtitle.and self-deprecating content."

            Errr...you sure you got the right rag? I am pretty confident that El Reg, whilst being deprecating about other things, are rarely self-deprecating.

            Quite right, too.

            Long live El Reg!

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Error 524

              Can I just say how comforting it is to be mercilessly pilloried for an errant apostrophe, I would miss this site.

              1. Adam 1 Silver badge

                Re: Error 524

                > Can I just say how comforting it is to be mercilessly pilloried for an errant apostrophe, I would miss this site.

                Can you imagine if you had accidentally used a comma instead of a question mark,

      2. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Error 524

        "It's the Russian's I tell you."
        The Russian's what, pray tell? Todger, left pinkie, nose...?

      3. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Error 524

        I am certain it was the Norks, it has their fingerprints all over!

    3. richardcox13

      Re: Error 524

      I'm waiting for the article to appear on the front page: "El Reg: TITSUP" with a suitably punny subtitle.and self-deprecating content.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Error 524

        Sub headings may include

        Hurricane blows El Reg stories off the web

        El - Reg avoids government sponsored take down attack using single elderly PC.

        El Reg brought down by commentard rush for Friday support story...

        1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
          Holmes

          Re: Error 524

          Nah, it's just the newly launched spy satellites from the X-37B being thoroughly tested...

    4. Adam 1 Silver badge

      Re: Error 524

      They'd love to, but they are stuck on a bunch of 418s in the kitchen.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Error 524

        418s? Plural? In a kitchen? Must be a big kitchen! Any idea who ported TCP/IP to them? I'd like to see that hack!

        http://www.bitsavers.org/pdf/univac/418/photos/418-II.jpg

    5. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: Error 524

      90 minutes ? Try 2-3 hours for me.

    6. handleoclast Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Error 524

      Hmmmm, I don't remember 524 being in the RFC. Let me check.

      Ah. Found it.

      524: an error code indicating that you're using Cloudflare and ought to switch to something else.

      1. Kiwi Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Error 524

        524: an error code indicating that you're using Cloudflare and ought to switch to something else.

        Wonder if they'd spot me making a pile of extra accounts to give you some much deserved upvotes?

        I understand El Reg's need for stuff like clodfool, but I'm sure there are better options out there. If not, maybe El Reg's commentards could band together and build something?

  2. Vulch
    Coat

    Get the medics to do it?

    Removing things from a box without setting off the alarm sounds like the classic game "Operation" which the perpetrators of the incident should surely be well practiced at...

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Get the medics to do it?

      It was my inability to win at Operation which convinced me that I should not go into medicine, much to my mother's chagrin.

      Look where I ended up.

  3. Tabor
    Coffee/keyboard

    "surely medical professionals, of all people, should know that just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there"

    Brilliant line. Thanks for that !

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Boffin

      Thinks back to student days and some of the nursing and medical students I used to know...

      Nope, some of them definitely wouldn't fit that statement ;)

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Thinks back to student days... medical students...

        There's the one about the prostitute who had a kidney removed but they sewed up the wrong hole, and now she's making money on the side.

      2. Chris G Silver badge

        I have come across a few student nurses and doctors who would investigate any cavity in the interests of advancing medical knowledge, though as far as I am aware they stopped short of inserting music media into cavities.

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge

      "surely medical professionals, of all people, should know that just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there"
      But as the bishop said to the actress: "I'll remove it when I'm finished."

    3. Anonymous Coward
      IT Angle

      PC fail

      "surely medical professionals, of all people, should know that just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there"

      No homophobia here please. Kindly report to your nearest re-education camp.

      1. Tom 38 Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: PC fail

        No homophobia here please. Kindly report to your nearest re-education camp.

        Oh, you poor poor sheltered AC...

      2. phuzz Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: PC fail

        "No homophobia here please. Kindly report to your nearest re-education camp."

        Oh AC, you poor sweet soul, when they talk about objects in cavities, they don't mean penises (which, after all, are supposed to fit in another human's body), they're talking about all the random objects that medics have to remove from people after they "slipped and fell".

        Actually I guess they might also be talking about removing penises from other objects, like vacuum cleaners.

        Chat to someone in an A&E department and you'll be amazed at the number of "naked vacuuming" and "I slipped coming out of the shower and somehow this courgette ended up in my..." type of injuries!

        1. Fatman Silver badge
          WTF?

          Re: PC fail

          <quote>they're talking about all the random objects that medics have to remove from people after they "slipped and fell".</quote>

          Does 'surgically extracting a gearshift knob from a vagina' fall into that category?

        2. GBE

          Ah, so _that's_ what a courgette is

          > Chat to someone in an A&E department and you'll be amazed at the number of "naked vacuuming" and "I slipped coming out of the shower and somehow this courgette ended up in my..." type of injuries!

          At first glance, I read that as "corgette" and was afraid it was some sort of miniature corgi.

          In the US, I think it would be called a zucchini, which is an even funnier word.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Ah, so _that's_ what a courgette is

            Zucchini is the Italian word, courgette is the French, which the Brits use for the immature variation of what they call a marrow.

            Elsewhere, you'll no doubt have spotted a reference to an "Aubergine". That's the French word that the Brits use instead of the English word "Eggplant".

            Hopefully these fine examples of the ongoing mutation of the English Language are clear as mud, and have enhanced your reading pleasure.

            1. Pompous Git Silver badge

              Re: Ah, so _that's_ what a courgette is

              "Elsewhere, you'll no doubt have spotted a reference to an "Aubergine". That's the French word that the Brits use instead of the English word "Eggplant"."

              The original word is aubergine and as jake says, French. It was a variant of alberge which is a variety of peach. All aubergines used to be purple, but plant breeders being the breeders they are, bred a white variant. This latter was called an egg-plant to distinguish it from the purple aubergine.

              "Hopefully these fine examples of the ongoing mutation of the English Language are clear as mud, and have enhanced your reading pleasure." © jake™

        3. collinsl

          Re: PC fail

          CF the Lost and Found box (Ass Box) in Scrubs

      3. Alister Silver badge

        Re: PC fail

        No homophobia here please.

        Oh purleeese! There is no homophobia present in the sentence you quoted.

        In a previous job as a medical professional I had to assist with the removal of a number of unexpected items from bodily orifices of both male and female patients, including a champagne cork, a gerbil, a gear-lever knob, and the business end of a toilet-brush.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: PC fail

          I did a stint in A&E for a while. We had a few. My favourite is...

          "I was cleaning the bathroom using limescale remover and a bleach spray, and I'd taken all my clothes off so I didn't ruin them. I started getting dizzy so I sat down on the nearest thing, which happened to be a crate which was part full of cucumbers; I work at Covent Garden Market. Anyway the top of the crate broke and I fell right in, and..."

          Then of course, hats off to the guy who came straight out and said from the off that the curtain ring currently generating something that looked surprisingly like an aubergine in the guy's lap was put on there deliberately in a crazy act of foolish sexual experimentation and that's the truth, no funny story to laugh at, so just get on with getting the fucking thing off there NOW! Please! PLEASE!

          1. imanidiot Silver badge

            Re: PC fail

            @TRT, I don't even get why people try to come up with these elaborate stories. Surely they must be aware EVERYBODY knows what actually happened. Are they really that ashamed of themselves that they don't dare to just come out with it straight away...

            1. herman Silver badge

              Re: PC fail

              "straight away" - Well, that is the problem right there. If only they were straight.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: PC fail

          "[...] the removal of a number of unexpected items from bodily orifices [...]"

          A nurse girlfriend told me that A&E patients had found that BabyCham bottles were not as ideally shaped as they looked.

          1. Tom 38 Silver badge

            Re: PC fail

            A nurse girlfriend told me that A&E patients had found that BabyCham bottles were not as ideally shaped as they looked.

            Guys, please practise safe sex and remove the cork first.

        3. MAH

          Re: PC fail

          awesome...I just spit all over my keyboard and monitor at the toilet brush....

          1. kain preacher Silver badge

            Re: PC fail

            awesome...I just spit all over my keyboard and monitor at the toilet brush....

            I'm confused so I have to ask. WHy do you have a computer in your bath room ?

            1. Mark 85 Silver badge

              Re: PC fail

              I'm confused so I have to ask. WHy do you have a computer in your bath room ?

              Porn? Or maybe the stock reports?

              1. kain preacher Silver badge

                Re: PC fail

                So on top of having a shitty computer it's sticky to.

          2. Glenturret Single Malt

            Re: PC fail

            spat (past tense of spit)?

        4. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: PC fail

          "In a previous job as a medical professional I had to assist with the removal of a number of unexpected items from bodily orifices of both male and female patients, including a champagne cork, a gerbil, a gear-lever knob, and the business end of a toilet-brush."

          The gear-lever knob just cracked me up, when I was drinking my coffee. But you own me a keyboard ...

          As for the gerbil, I googled the term, is it like .... an animal, of the mouse family ????? Seems sick to me ....

          1. Alister Silver badge

            Re: PC fail

            As for the gerbil, I googled the term, is it like .... an animal, of the mouse family

            Yep, think dormouse or hamster - roughly similar in size.

            It was apparently alive when introduced into a lady's love-tunnel, however it quickly became distressed, and eventually suffocated...

          2. Kiwi Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: PC fail

            As for the gerbil, I googled the term, is it like .... an animal, of the mouse family ????? Seems sick to me ....

            It is. I mean, wouldn't you be sick if you'd been shoved head-first inside someone's backside?

            At least a mousey-thing won't throw up much when it's sick.

            1. jake Silver badge

              Urban legend fail. (was: Re: PC fail)

              http://www.snopes.com/risque/homosex/gerbil.asp

              1. Alister Silver badge

                Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                Sorry Jake, but the case I dealt with was in a woman's vagina, and also, in England, where medics don't routinely publicise their cases.

                1. Pompous Git Silver badge
                  Paris Hilton

                  Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                  @ Alister and jake

                  I've always suspected that many of these urban legends have inspired the "adventurous" to say: "Oooh, that sounds like fun! Let's give it a try..."

                2. jake Silver badge

                  Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                  SO, after 30+ years of uncorroborated internet rumors of gerbil stuffing, and after the same 30-odd years of people trying and failing to track down even ONE case that can be confirmed, here on ElReg Alister can finally point us at the hospital and exact time where it happened for real. But wasn't written up in The Lancet or The NEJM "due to patient confidentiality", despite any number of other cases of miscellaneous stuff recovered from various human orifices somehow managing to get around the confidentiality problem on both sides of the pond.

                  Colo(u)r me skeptical ... but I'm willing to be convinced. Name the hospital, and the date, I'll make the necessary calls myself. If it happened, somebody will talk.

                  Actually, somebody would have already talked. It's human nature to gossip.

                  1. Kiwi Silver badge
                    Trollface

                    Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                    Colo(u)r me skeptical ...

                    Given some of your past claims, from wealth to power (including getting CxO level people "fired" for going against your policies) and experiences, well.. That kettle looks a little burnt, don'tchathink? ;)

                    ('tis said in jest, but if anyone wishes to take it another way, there's options both for "downvote" and "report abuse")

                    1. jake Silver badge

                      Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                      Ah, yes. Shooting the messenger. That'll fix the problem! Works every time! Good job, Kiwi!

              2. handleoclast Silver badge
                Coat

                Re: Urban legend fail. (was: PC fail)

                Damn. Does that mean the story of how the Pet Shop Boys chose their name isn't true?

                It's not like their music was worth listening to, so it was only that story that gave them any space in my head.

      4. kain preacher Silver badge

        Re: PC fail

        "surely medical professionals, of all people, should know that just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there"

        "No homophobia here please. Kindly report to your nearest re-education camp."

        Um mate Why would that make you think of gay people ? Have you not read the articles on El Reg about metal rings around men's toddgers or seen the show sex sent me to the ER? There have been plenty of cases of me and women that stock things in their bodies that don't belong, but some how you read that to mean a guy guy with stuff up his bum, No my friends it's you that just might need the re education camp.

      5. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: PC fail

        "No homophobia here please."

        What's "anal play" got to do with being gay? You're missing out, it's a bloody good fun and I say that as a happily married man in a loving hetro relationship where both myself and the missus enjoy it! When you have the time I suggest you take a good look at the items on Lovehoney, plus the wonderful sales ladies who do the videos with dead serious faces while talking about anal lube and other assorted toys! Ha ha!

  4. Dave K Silver badge

    Professionals can miss obvious things...

    I did once have a professor when I worked at a University that didn't know about the "next page" / "previous page" buttons in Outlook Web Access, he thought that the webmail interface could only show his most recent 25 e-mails. For months when he needed to access older e-mails from different machines that didn't have Outlook set up for him, he'd delete items from his inbox to bring older e-mails onto the front page, do what he needed to do, then restored his e-mails again from Deleted Items.

    You'd have thought he'd ask about this. I only spotted it after helping with a different issue on a lab PC that required him to open an old e-mail...

    1. herman Silver badge

      Re: Professionals can miss obvious things...

      Err... it is not obvious. Outlook has a totally shit user interface. I can almost commiserate with the idiot prof.

    2. Cpt Blue Bear

      Re: Professionals can miss obvious things...

      I agree that its not obvious due to OWA's bloody awful layout, but that is beside the point.

      Several times I have observed that something is so dumb / obvious / such a basic fucking requirement that there is no way anyone, competent or otherwise, could have designed it that way and that there must be a proper / better / easier way to do something. Mostly I have been right and a look at the manual or asking someone in possession of a clue will reveal it.

      The problem is a whole class of users who accept not just what is given to them but what they see in front of them without question.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    best one we've had (actually had it twice in 19 years) A Prof at our lab came down to say the toner cartridge on the printer in his corridor was out as it was printing very faint. Now as we all know give the toner a good shake and its good for a few '000 more pages.

    ME "Ok could you give it a shake and it'll be good for a few '000 more pages"

    Prof "what the printer?" (in a slow Irish accent)

    ME "ermmm no just the toner cartridge"

    Now this printer was a HP LaserJet 4300DTN so not only is that pretty big for starters it also has not one but two 500 page paper trays, so its FECKING BIG and b'stard heavy!!! I can just see him there picking up and shaking a 20+ Kg laser printer!

    The same user also had a bit of an issue involving the insert key and all his text being over written as he kept pressing it. He never did get the hang or concept of the insert key!!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      If he did shake the HP 4300DTN I wouldn't be arguing with him.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Does that mean they get better cartridge life in earthquake zones?

        1. jake Silver badge

          Probably.

          But we'll never know for sure, because the quakes knock the scanner mirror out of alignment.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        he is actually quite big, looks like big foot from big foot and the Hendersons!

        1. Ivan Vorpatril

          His name is Harry.

      3. kain preacher Silver badge

        So just the Printer is 30 kilos. That's only a broken foot or leg :)

  6. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Oh dear

    Over the last few decades we seem to be breeding a special kind of 'dumb'. This does not bode well for humanity's future.

    P.S.

    El Reg: Your flakiness is clearly down to cheaping out and using (badly) recycled electrons, so to be helpful I've sent you a few packets of brand new ones down the interwebby tubes.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh dear

      "Over the last few decades we seem to be breeding a special kind of 'dumb'. This does not bode well for humanity's future."

      no it doesn't as a lot of them go in to politics!!!

      1. Steve the Cynic Silver badge

        Re: Oh dear

        "no it doesn't as a lot of them go in to politics!!!"

        Surely that makes it *worse*, no?

      2. HWwiz

        Re: Oh dear

        On our Service Desk we have been seeing a massive rise in ID 10T errors in the last few yrs.

        I will bring it to the Service Desk Managers attention re: Breeding issues. Not sure we have a fix for that though.

        Theres no Service Pack for Stupidity...

    2. Tigra 07 Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Oh dear

      I've been thinking this for years.

      If we showed kids Mike Judge's Idiocracy at school, they'd likely think it was a documentary...

    3. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Oh dear

      Just watch the film "Idiocracy" - and think of Trump's America.

      1. bluesxman

        Re: Oh dear

        'Just watch the film "Idiocracy" - and think of Trump's America.'

        Just think of Trump's America and there's no reason to watch the film "Idiocracy"*

        * This is not intended as a slight on the film, which I very much enjoyed.

    4. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: Oh dear

      An old sig:

      Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

      1. kain preacher Silver badge

        Re: Oh dear

        You sure about that ? I've seen some craptastic programmers that even your average idiot would know they are beyond hope.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oh dear

        "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

        I think my emacs signature was at one point:

        "Make it idiot-proof, and the Universe will build a better idiot"

        So true.

    5. JimC Silver badge

      Re: seem to be breeding a special kind of 'dumb'

      Unfortunately the dumb is on the design side. The industry needs to design for people as they are, not as they'd like them to be, and it needs to design for a larger chunk of the bell curve. What was acceptable when IT users were a selected and trained cadre doesn't cut the mustard for a universal utility.

      1. Captain DaFt

        Re: seem to be breeding a special kind of 'dumb'

        The industry needs to design for people as they are, not as they'd like them to be, and it needs to design for a larger chunk of the bell curve.

        NO! Think for a moment about what you're saying!

        You want even dumber people to easily get on teh interwebs!?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As any good medical professional will tell you

    if it can be fitted into a cavity, someone will have tried it, however unwise, and regardless of the ability to self-remove...

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

      Reading this straight after the posts about Laserjet 4300DTN's did make me boggle.

      If some can insert a LaserJet into somewhere it's not meant to go, I'd have to salute them... while running to minimum safe distance. I suspect it would involve a steam hammer and a very large amount of Vaseline.

      1. Tigra 07 Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

        A steam hammer sounds like a tradesman joke, similar to the old left handed hammer or screwdriver...

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

          I have a steam hammer. It is what it sounds like it is, a steam driven hammer. Mine is used for forging steel and iron implements. A friend has one that is used to crush gold bearing ore.

          1. CustardGannet

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            @ jake

            I have a steam hammer... for forging steel and iron implements. A friend has one that is used to crush gold bearing ore.

            1849 called, they want you back !

            1. Michael Strorm

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              @CustardGannet; "1849 called, they want you back !"

              That'd be a neat trick considering the phone wasn't even invented then. ;-)

              1. Jamie Jones Silver badge

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                They have a loud voice!

            2. jake Silver badge

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              Custard, I'll happily go back ... as soon as they invent modern medicine and electric beer coolers with non-poisonous refrigerant.

        2. BoldMan

          Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

          or the old prank about sending the apprentice to the stores for a 'Long Stand'...

          1. EVMonster

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            We used to send them to Stores and ask for a Long Weight.

            Never saw them again for hours.

            Once, one of our mechanics sent a prentis to town to buy him a right-handed spanner and he came back with a massive 35mm/40mm spanner which cost the mech £5.00 which was a lot of money in 1974 ...

            1. WorsleyNick

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              They were lucky, I was only sent for a 'Short' weight. My arse did not get time to touch the chair before the stores clerk told me that I could go. I refused to go for a 'Sky Hook'.

          2. Patched Out

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            As an EE, the old joke was to send an intern down to the stockroom to get a Write Only Memory.

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              Write Only Memory?

              Some geezer called Dave Null on line one, says he wants to sell you a bit bucket.

              1. DropBear Silver badge

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                "Some geezer called Dave Null on line one, says he wants to sell you a bit bucket."

                Just pipe the call through the Dave Full on line two...

                1. jake Silver badge

                  Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                  "Just pipe the call through the Dave Full on line two..."

                  Permission denied.

            2. Stoneshop Silver badge
              Facepalm

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              As an EE, the old joke was to send an intern down to the stockroom to get a Write Only Memory.

              Well, they tend to be labeled as Exabyte 8mm drives, so, no problem, just that you have to know the cross-reference.

              1. Down not across

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                Well, they tend to be labeled as Exabyte 8mm drives, so, no problem, just that you have to know the cross-reference.

                I have to disagree. I never had any issues with 8mm Exabytes. Always were very reliable with old SunOS 4 boxen. If you had said DDS then that would be entirely different matter and I would wholeheartedly agree.

                1. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad

                  Re: Exabyte 8 mm

                  "I have to disagree. I never had any issues with 8mm Exabytes."

                  There were several product lines - classic Exabyte drives like 8500 (up to 5 GB), intermediate XL versions, Mammoth drives, and finally the VXA design they bought in. No prizes for guessing which lineage was the reliable one.

                  This page lists 8mm formats up to Mammoth

                  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Data8

                  and this has formats after Mammoth

                  en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VXA

              2. Sandtitz Silver badge
                Flame

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                "Well, they tend to be labeled as Exabyte 8mm drives"

                Sony AIT drives on IDE bus fell to that category too. To think of it, most IDE tape drives were equally WORN.

              3. MD Rackham

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                We called them WORN drives: Write Once, Read Never.

            3. Loud Speaker

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              That is a Signetics 25120. Available form any good Semiconductor supplier in 1975.

          3. Noel Morgan

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            I used to work in a hardware store.

            I still remember the day a girl on work experience was sent to the shop for 'a long screw'. I had to leave and let one of the female shop staff serve her.

            30 years ago and still makes me smile.

            1. kain preacher Silver badge

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              Should told her you only do slow screws :)

            2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              Had a very attractive young lady coworker tell me she could never remember which connector was the male and which was the female. I am a 60 something male engineer and I was at a loss. I managed to set her straight without getting HR involved, but I'll be damned if I can remember how!

              1. Pompous Git Silver badge
                Paris Hilton

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                "I managed to set her straight without getting HR involved, but I'll be damned if I can remember how!"
                Surely by pointing out that she had made you straight ;-)

          4. This post has been deleted by its author

          5. keithpeter
            Coat

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            "...or the old prank about sending the apprentice to the stores for a 'Long Stand'..."

            I still have my Round Tuit somewhere in here.

            You forgot the skyhook.

            1. ICPurvis47

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              "or the old prank about sending the apprentice to the stores for a 'Long Stand'..."

              ...or the packet of sparks for the grinding machine.

              1. imanidiot Silver badge

                Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

                They tried that sort of thing on me once. I just went home and enjoyed a cup of tea and a book, returning a 2 hours later from my "unsuccesful search". They never tried again funnily enough...

          6. Mark 85 Silver badge

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            or the old prank about sending the apprentice to the stores for a 'Long Stand'...

            Well, the military aviation types will send you off for these::

            1) A gallon of prop wash.

            2) A hundred feet of flight line.

            1. collinsl

              Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

              Other one's I've heard:

              * Fallopian tubes for the CVRT (good one because they go to stores, wait, then medical & wait)

              * Keys to the outdoor firing range

              * Tartan paint for the last post

              * Camouflage paint

              Another good one is to give the new person a chainsaw and a sealed note and tell them to take it to the RSM (Regimental Sergeant Major) - the note would say something like "Give me the wages or I'll cut your F&*("%^ head off!"

          7. Public Citizen
            Pirate

            Re: As any good medical professional will tell you

            We had great fun aboard ship [aircraft carrier] one day sending a so-new-that-he-squeaked seaman all over the ship for a Box of Fallopian Tubes. The ships phone system was buzzing for several hours as each location would report back where they had sent the poor sod next in his quest to bring back this item that he was informed was desperately needed for a critical repair.

  8. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Trollface

    "She's using the new Clinical Administration Package,” David explained.

    In her past working life my better half used to have to cross swords (scalpels?) with something very similar. Quite quickly it got slightly more accurately named to "Clinical Records Administration Package", although the acronym was all that was ever used when referring to it or describing it.

  9. Adam 1 Silver badge

    WOW

    He sounds like a right Dick!

    /Mines the gown with the tie at the back.

  10. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    open a PC ... and then remove the floppy disk ... without setting off the alarm

    So remarkably like the game "Operation"?

    1. Cpt Blue Bear

      Re: open a PC ... and then remove the floppy disk ... without setting off the alarm

      This reminds me of my first brush with the legal / forensic side of the IT dodge.

      As a junior site service monkey I was sent over to the office of a company that owned a lot of car yards in Adelaide. I was handed a carton of Pentium CPUs and a big bag of DIMMs and told to go replace the ones onsite. No reason was given, so off I went in my little noddy car.

      I arrived to find the police winding up their crime scene. It seems that overnight someone had broken in and removed all the CPUs and RAM from a dozen brand new machines. Now these things had intrusion alarms so the cunning buggers had gone in through the front panels and stripped the machines to their motherboards without tripping the alarms. All the bits were neatly stacked, along with the screws next to each machine.

      A rather attractive DC asked me what I thought of it. I replied that whoever did it clearly knew exactly how these boxes were assembled, where they were and how to to them without tripping the building alarms. In short, its an inside job.

      These days I'd know better than to volunteer such an opinion. I'd offer to write it up in a report and charge a fee.

      I did discover just how loud those little bastard sirens are when I failed to get the disarm key in and turned fast enough...

      A note for those under 40: back in the early to mid 1990s CPUs, RAM and HDDs were hell expensive. Also highly portable, easily concealed and readily disposable due to a combination of tight supply and system builders with lots of orders and few morals. There were cases of Intel freight getting hijacked at gun point. Most disties kept this stuff in a locked cage that wouldn't look out of place at a crack dealers' premises.

  11. TRT Silver badge

    CDs in 5.25" drives

    And 3.5" disks in Zip drives...

    Gah!

    1. WallMeerkat Bronze badge

      Re: CDs in 5.25" drives

      Not forgetting their modern grandchild - USB pen drives in ethernet or HDMI ports

      1. phuzz Silver badge

        Re: CDs in 5.25" drives

        Ahh yes, I remember a user who couldn't get their laptop dock to work. It turns out that a USB plug fits perfectly into an ethernet port.

        1. Kiwi Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: CDs in 5.25" drives

          It turns out that a USB plug fits perfectly into an ethernet port.

          Not only that, it also rakes about the right amount of pressure, ie it feels like a USB socvket when you're reaching over/behind a desk to put on in.

          Not that I've ever made that mistake, repeatedly, while wondering why the drive no longer works, honest!

          1. Kiwi Silver badge

            Re: CDs in 5.25" drives

            ...it also rakes about...

            takes

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: CDs in 5.25" drives

          "It turns out that a USB plug fits perfectly into an ethernet port."

          Not that perfectly. If it was perfect it would work.

  12. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Pint

    "just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there!"

    Jeez, you sound fun at a party...

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Well... use the proper tool for the proper job.

  13. PM from Hell

    there are a few tweets

    https://twitter.com/TheRegister/status/906050464508125188

    Apparently elreg were DDOS'D

    1. jake Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: there are a few tweets

      Must have stepped on the wrongright toes.

      Keep up the good work, ElReg! This round's on me.

      1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

        Re: there are a few tweets

        I cannot think who in their right mind would waste time on such things.

        But I think there are a couple of pennies to make on tipping shares/trading via internet posting/denial schemes.

        That or someone wants all our emails. :(

    2. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: there are a few tweets

      Woah there Nelly. EL reg has a twitter account and people here actually use it ? Remembers another thread er people here were calling twitter stupid .

      1. Spanners Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: there are a few tweets

        Just because it is stupid does not mean nobody here uses it.

        What is even more stupid is that people genuinely call it Social Media. It really isn't!

        1. kain preacher Silver badge

          Re: there are a few tweets

          Spanner the level of vitriol was sickening. Any one that dared suggested twitter had a use was down voted. That if you lost some thing on twitter it was your fucking fault. You are the product(cause its free) and you are an idiot because you should know nothing in life is free so you must be giving some thing up.

          1. soulrideruk Bronze badge

            Re: there are a few tweets

            Welcome to El Reg..

            This is how it works...

            Make a story about a subject, and the haters descend, so anyone talking positively about the subject will get downvoted to hell.

            Talk about it offhand in a non-related story, and well, you are dealing with normal regular readers, not so many of the haters.

            It's a weird phenomenon, but not restricted entirely to El Reg..

    3. Adam JC

      Re: there are a few tweets

      Ah, no wonder nobody noticed the status updates... they were posted on Twitter!

  14. Kiwi Silver badge
    Megaphone

    He also dispensed some advice to the effect that surely medical professionals, of all people, should know that just because something fits in a cavity that doesn't mean it belongs there!

    Well, knowing the way some of them provide wrong medications to their unfortunate victims, they don't know what shouldn't go into mouths!

    Great comment though :)

    I remember sirens like the ones mentioned for vcr's/tv's etc. Bit of a bugger when you forget, go to move the tv, and the thing screams at you and you drop your expensive, heavy tv!

    Didn't some of those things have an issue where a judiciously placed drop of super glue would forever silence them?

  15. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    “it would have been easy to do a smash and grab raid and pinch the PC.”

    Not necessarily the only problem. A bank on Tottenham Court Road used to have desks beside the windows and their PC screens were visible to passers-by.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    One more medical

    Friend from school became a nurse, she told me of many, some already aired in this thread.

    The one that lingers to this day was an admission with a navel orange and vaginismus, all the nurses took a peek as the spasms juiced the thing through the navel, stung her stretched ladycache and the cycle repeated.

    The doctor on shift suggested applying cheap sparkling wine because it was Essex (and you can work out the implied spoonerism). They did irrigate it with water to reduce the pain until it sorted itself out.

    I remember D`s comment that orange juice on my gash would be like chilli on your cock seeping into your Jap`s eye.

    Ah.. nurses, they have a way with words

  17. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Trollface

    Would love to sneak in a "wobbler" into some users' PC's and watch the hilarious actions should they trigger it by accident ....

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Maybe the wobbler could go in the mouse or even their chair.

  18. Gustavo Fring
    Childcatcher

    hmm I've heard the phrase

    "unexpected item in the tea bagging area" in my local Sainsburys

  19. Jove Bronze badge

    Wine

    My PC needs WINE, please move me to the Pub next door.

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