back to article Ten new tech terms I learnt this summer: Do you know them all?

I'll never forget the day I found my children looking at Spam for the first time. My son was particularly perplexed, asking: "Is that what I think it is?" It was my own fault. I had left the tin on the kitchen counter. Even in his tender years, my tech-friendly tweenager was perfectly familiar with spam. But not Spam. He'd …

  1. Chronos Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    T|N>K

    How can you discuss policy with a minister whose only means of expression is to scream at you "Eeeeeeeeeeeee-oooooooo buh-doyngg buh-doyngg eeeeee-AAAAAAHHH!" before promptly hanging himself?

    Absolute bloody genius. I'm assuming, since he does the gain adjustment bit, that he's a v.92 modem?

    1. Missing Semicolon
      Pint

      Re: T|N>K

      @Chronos.

      You, sir, win nerd-of-the-week award.

  2. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Fortunately

    I drained my cup of tea before reading this. Otherwise, my keyboard would have been in for another barrage of hot Keemun Congou tea ...

    yet again

    Great Friday read!!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "weaved"

    Is that the trendy new term for "woven"?

    1. Steve the Cynic

      Re: "weaved"

      "weaved" might also be a mis-grammaticisation of "wove". 'I wove a fabric of lies", rather than "I weaved a fabric of lies". But when it's a past participle, yeah, "woven". "I have woven a fabric of lies". And of course, you can use a past participle as an adjective: "Felt is not a woven fabric." (This happens to be true...)

      But there's also the people who say "I have went". That makes my teeth itch.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: "weaved"

        I have went

        I assume that you live in Wiltshire. That seems the standard grammar round these parts.

      2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
        Trollface

        "I have went"

        "I have went"

        I was sat over there when I read that.

        Teeth itching now?

        1. dqon

          Re: "I have went"

          Active or Passive ?

      3. earl grey Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: "weaved"

        "But there's also the people who say "I have went"."

        Everyone knows it's I done gone.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: "weaved"

          "Everyone knows it's I done gone."

          Not in the one-tense Bristollian dialect where "I goes ..." could refer to an action in the past, present or future

      4. Blitheringeejit
        Headmaster

        @Steve the Cynic

        Since it appears to be National Pedantry day...

        "There ARE also the people..."

        FTFY, albeit with my own teeth afire.

      5. Ken Hagan Gold badge

        Re: "weaved"

        "I have went"

        If the pedants will look away long enough for me to say "It's not very irregular.", then I will. (If they won't, then would the rest of you be so good as to skip the rest of this post. Otherwise we'll get logical paradoxes.)

        I think "went" is to "wend" what "spent" is to "spend" and so "I have went" is about as irregular as "I have spent" and therefore rather more regular than "I have gone". It should, of course, be "I have goed" but I imagine it is too late to insist on that now.

        Quite how the verbs to go and to wend (as in, "wend their merry way back from the pub") ever became entangled remains as mysterious as ever, of course, but most western European languages seem to have one or two stupendously irregular verbs with different persons and tenses taken from different root verbs in older languages. I think it is some kind of competition.

        1. Michael Thibault

          Re: "weaved"

          I was wanting to say exactly that.

      6. Captain Badmouth
        Headmaster

        Re: "weaved"

        "I have went"

        There was a young man of Gwent

        Whose pr**k was exceedingly bent

        To save himself trouble

        He stuffed it in double

        And instead of coming

        He went.

    2. Graham Dawson

      Re: "weaved"

      That's an example of the constant regularisation of irregular verbs.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "weaved"

        In my feeling of usage (but don't ask me why):

        He wove a pack of lies. He weaved his way through the crowds.

        1. m0rt Silver badge

          Re: "weaved"

          Did he have one of those new NetWeaving machines that fit in a large pocket? Modern tech is wonderful.

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: "weaved"

          He wove a pack of lies. He weaved his way through the crowds.

          One is (I think), past-perfect (ie a complete past action) and the other is continuous historic.

          Hopefully, someone who remembers more about English grammar will be along shortly to tell you all how wrong I was.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "weaved"

            "One is (I think), past-perfect (ie a complete past action) and the other is continuous historic.

            "

            Parce que nous sommes tous francais(es). Или русский.

            The application of Latinate grammar to English is something I find irritating. It makes me want to boldly split infinitives, just because I can. And because it's Friday, sacred to Freya, and not vendredi, sacred to Venus.

            1. Phil Endecott Silver badge

              Re: "weaved"

              > Friday, sacred to Freya

              No, Friday is Frig's day.

              Frig is the wife of Odin, whose day is Wednesday.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: "weaved" - No, Friday is Frig's day.

                I found this

                "In a world that knows too many details about unimportant matters, one would think that our collective expertise could be certain about something as essential as the days of the week. There is, however, a scholarly debate regarding which goddess of love in Norse mythology is the namesake of “Friday.” To complicate matters, it may be that Frigg (or Frigga) and Freyja were at one point one goddess, or at least stemmed from the same one. It’s a headache."

    3. David Roberts Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: "weaved"

      Useage: I weaved it cos i din like it

    4. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: "weaved"

      Bloody hell, did I write that? The shame.

      PS: no one likes a smart arse.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "weaved"

        "Bloody hell, did I write that? "

        There was some research a few years ago that said the brain makes a regular conjugation immediately. It takes a little longer for it to be overridden by the correct irregular form. So if the second process gets delayed too much - then we just use the regular form.

  4. Khaptain Silver badge

    DabbSmithing

    "DabbSmithing" : Verb

    The art of publically criticising anything that appears worthy of a critic on a Friday. Often appreciated by technophiles, trolls and a variety of other non P-Book readerships.

    1. ecofeco Silver badge

      Re: DabbSmithing

      Dabbsing?

      1. psychonaut

        Re: DabbSmithing

        dibdabbing? although i think that already has an urban dictionary entry which isnt pleasant

      2. Ugotta B. Kiddingme Silver badge

        Re: Dabbsing?

        how about simply Dabbling? Use of the capital D will allow those of us who understand to grin knowingly at each other whilst the plebs wonder what we are on about.

  5. Gasp!

    Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

    Are these not tropical diseases?

    1. TheOldGuy

      Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

      I thought they were Prog Rock bands.....

      1. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

        Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

        Hear Alistair Scream At Technology Peeps.

      2. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

        I'm certain Gaseous Elbow is a German avant garde band. They record and playback cushion smashing and strangled stag beetles.

        1. Rosie Davies

          Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

          I was impressed at the self-restraint that prevented Gaseous Arse not being used instead.

          Rosie

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

            I was impressed at the self-restraint that prevented Gaseous Arse not being used instead.

            Possibly rejected for being too close to home..

          2. Wensleydale Cheese

            Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

            I misread it as "Gaseous Below"

            1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
              Trollface

              Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

              I always thought liquid voice was another synonym for a technicolour yawn or pavement pizza delivery...

          3. Captain DaFt

            Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

            I was impressed at the self-restraint that prevented Gaseous Arse not being used instead.

            Of course, if one doesn't know their arse from their elbow... ☺

      3. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

        Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

        I wish they were Prog Rock bands.

      4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

        I thought they were Prog Rock bands.....

        I don't think so. Although, Liquid Voice would be a fine band name, if only so that you can use the noise of Dabbsy gnashing his teeth as a suitable rhythm section..

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Sublimated Ear and Gaseous Elbow.

          Although, Liquid Voice would be a fine band name, if only so that you can use the noise of Dabbsy gnashing his teeth as a suitable rhythm section..

          You could retro the name to the '50's.... "Liquid and the Voices".

  6. Admiral Grace Hopper

    Don't dis the innovative

    Our future lies in innovative jams and marmalades. It's the way forward.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Don't dis the innovative

      "[...] and marmalades."

      What sort of music is that?

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Don't dis the innovative

        "[...] and marmalades."

        What sort of music is that?

        It's a mashup between a madrigal and a carronade.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fibre

    I still maintain this is the easiest way to distinguish the service for the general public. Granted, lots of us know it's not actually fibre all the way to your house, but at the end of the day the bulk of slow internet connections is caused by the bottleneck at the cabinet, and fibre helps resolve this issue. There are those who suffer being miles from the cabinet but still, keep it simple for average Joe.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Fibre / POTS

      Also:

      POTS is analogue duplex voice frequency over copper / steel. i.e. DIAL-UP. We've all heard of that.

      Broadband from the exchange uses ADSL/ADSL2/ADSL2+. Lots and lots of people have heard of that.

      3G/4G. Internet for mobiles. Everyone has heard of it.

      Fibre-to-the-cabinet uses VDSL/VDSL2. No bugger outside the telecomms industry has ever heard of it.

      1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Fibre / POTS

        I still think the even older definition of fibre is more appropriate.

        After all, given the amount of shit some of these companies produce, they must be consuming enough fibre to fill several breakfast bowls...

        Bran flake anyone?

        1. Teiwaz Silver badge

          Re: Fibre / POTS

          Bran flake anyone?

          So that's how BT get broadband - force-feeding of bran flakes then burying said produced 'cable' -

          - Explains the shit service....

    2. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: Fibre

      Just call it by the technology used. People will catch on soon enough (if they even care)

      Dial-up -> ADSL -> ADSL2(+) -> VDSL (or FTTC if you must) -> FTTP

      Calling something something that it isn't is just going to confuse people in the long run. How many people still think that their desktop background picture is a "screensaver" FFS?!?!?! When FTTP gets widely deployed (currently scheduled for the 57th of Novemruary), they won't know what to call it because some bugger has made people associate fibre optics with this pitiful excuse that's copper from the cabinet.

      By the way, even when using dial-up, it was fibre from the exchange so the components haven't changed. Copper/Aluminium from me to someplace over there and glass from there onwards.

      1. GregC

        Re: Fibre

        How many people still think that their desktop background picture is a "screensaver"

        Or that their entire PC is a "hard drive"....

        1. really_adf

          Re: Fibre

          How many people still think that their desktop background picture is a "screensaver"

          Or that their entire PC is a "hard drive"....

          ...or "the CPU". Although there is at least some obvious logic to that.

        2. Spanners Silver badge
          Go

          Re: Fibre

          Or that their entire PC is a "hard drive"....

          A senior managerial person came to our office and announced she needed a new hard drive. Having a few on my desk I held one out. There was a long blank moment before a "we are not amused" expression.

        3. Ripper38
          Childcatcher

          Re: Fibre... PC is a "hard drive"....

          @ GregC What's a PC? ...asking for a Gen XYZ something grandchild

      2. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Just call it by the technology used...

        If there's ONE good thing you can say about Virgin, it's that they run an advertising campaign where they call their cable product DOCSIS3. Even if they only do that distinguish it from BT's offering and to make it sound sexy.

        1. really_adf

          Re: Just call it by the technology used...

          If there's ONE good thing you can say about Virgin, it's that they run an advertising campaign where they call their cable product DOCSIS3.

          You mean this one? The one that shows the same cable as used on many adverts but makes it clear it is co-ax instead of implying it is fibre?

          I rather suspect VDSL being branded as "fibre" is the inevitable result of Virgin's "genius" decision some years ago to start marketing their unchanged HFC network as "fibre" to make it seem inherently superior.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Just call it by the technology used...

          Is that the ad where they show the cable and then proceed to call to Fibre?

      3. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: Fibre

        Calling something something that it isn't is just going to confuse people in the long runCalling something something that it isn't is just going to confuse people in the long run

        "LED television" anyone? What they really mean is an LCD television with an LED backlight instead of one based on a fluorescent tube, not a display made up of millions of tiny LEDs. For that you need (new term) "OLED" (grrr)...

        M.

        1. Mage Silver badge

          Re: For that you need (new term) OLED

          OLED are really diode like Electroluminescent dots, not true LED. Most people have only seen very large discrete (possibly) 2mm to 6mm LEDs on billboard sized panels, so Sony called their proof of concept real LED TV a Crystal TV.

          What about 3D displays? Almost all are stereoscopic.

          Or Laser (or worse Lazer) used in a description of something that's only LED?

          Or HiFi (most can't meet 1970s DIN standards)

          Or Enhanced Bass sound bars and Bluetooth speakers with loudspeakers inside similar to a 1960s pocket transistor set.

          Digital TV aerials. (The signal is coded "analogue" unless Morse code and there is no such thing as a "Digital" aerial for anything),

          AI

          Machine Learning

          A 14nm device is not 14nm in sense a 90nm device was 90nm.

          Internet Radio. It's NOT a radio, not even in the sense of DAB. No broadcast transmission (even WiFi is not really broadcast, 10 clients can't use the SAME transmission, you'll get a little less than 1/10th of the bandwidth each).

          Apple TV: It's got no cable/satellite/terrestrial tuner and it's got no screen.

          At least Amazon removed "Kindle" from the Fire (it's a crippled Android LCD tablet, not a long battery life eInk screened eReader).

          Stuff being advertised in supermarkets etc with no mention at all that you need Internet and probably uncapped broadband to use it AT ALL.

          I looked at Wacom note taking gadget, it DID indicate it uses Cloud & Broadband. The box seemed to suggest it couldn't download to my laptop WITHOUT "the cloud". Maybe you can just use a USB cable like a Kindle or Kobo or my phone, but it didn't seem so.

          Marketing of tech is totally broken. Much of the actual SW & HW seems stupid now too in reality.

          1. psychonaut

            Re: Novemruary

            "When FTTP gets widely deployed (currently scheduled for the 57th of Novemruary"

            fucking genius mate,.

            this is the exact date that is listed for FTTC for Sunningdale on the BT website

            1. Paul Kinsler
              Happy

              Re: When FTTP gets widely deployed

              File Transfer Transferring Protocol? First To The Post? Er...

              1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

                Re: When FTTP gets widely deployed

                If you were serious, Fibre To The Premises ( as opposed to FTTCabinet )

              2. Jonathan Richards 1
                WTF?

                Re: When FTTP gets widely deployed

                > File Transfer Transferring Protocol? First To The Post? Er...

                Fibre To The Penis. cf Teledildonics.

                1. Michael Thibault

                  Re: When FTTP gets widely deployed

                  "Fibre To The Penis. cf Teledildonics."

                  That would be video on de hand?

          2. earl grey Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: For that you need (new term) OLED

            "Or Enhanced Bass sound"

            Would that be the Enhanced Billy Bass talking fish sound?

          3. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

            Re: Could be worse

            Imagine how daft marketers would sound if they promised "up to 20 millibits per second!"

          4. Barry Rueger

            Re: For that you need (new term) OLED

            Or Enhanced Bass sound bars and Bluetooth speakers with loudspeakers inside similar to a 1960s pocket transistor set.

            This! Laptop speakers the size of a penny, much less whatever is inside your mobile phone, will never, ever produce a sound quality worth bothering with.

            Though they'll still be better than anything "beats."

            ((Old enough to remember when the Bose and Bang & Olufsen names were something you would aspire to own.)

          5. katgod

            Re: For that you need (new term) OLED

            Many of your examples are good but OLEDs are LEDs, their just not inorganic but instead use organic materials, and like LEDs they can be passive or active, maybe leading to the diode confusion.

      4. Captain Badmouth

        Re: Fibre

        "Calling something something that it isn't is just going to confuse people in the long run."

        I see what you did there.

      5. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Fibre

        "VDSL"

        Marketing are NEVER going to go with a product terms that sound like an STD. Oh...wait.

    3. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

      Re: Fibre

      Keeping plenty of fibre in your cabinet is a great way to avoid a bout of gaseous elbow.

    4. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: Fibre

      Yes, but the problem is when we get FTTP we're buggered.

      The name will be like USB speed names ( extra-ultra-sobloodyfastyouwon'tbelieveit-fullspeed usb )

      1. David Nash Silver badge

        Re: Fibre

        "The name will be like USB speed names"

        Or telescopes:

        https://www.universetoday.com/133800/rise-of-the-super-telescopes-the-overwhelmingly-large-telescope/

        1. tfewster Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: Fibre

          "The name will be like USB speed names"

          Hmm, beyond infinity => Buzz Lightyear? "Buzz" has a short, snappy ring to it - "I'll use the Buzz", "Buzz speeds" etc. etc. ad nauseum

    5. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Fibre

      BT ring me on a regular basis, the caller reading from a script, to tell me that their 30Mbit shite is faster than my existing 150Mbit cable service. Even if I run a broadband speed check, while they're still on the call, that reports speeds in excess of 130Mbit, they insist 30Mbit will be faster.

  8. Martijn Otto

    I am still waiting

    for the smart sandwich.

    This smart sandwich will be made from materials that can recognize when they enter an acidic environment (say something like hydrochloric acid) and then break itself down.

    This way it could be absorbed through a semi-permeable membrane. Wouldn't that be brilliant?

    1. Chronos Silver badge

      Re: I am still waiting

      Innovative. Will you be leveraging the existing competences of the digestive tract to usher in a new paradigm of goal-focused nutritionalisation, a value-added proposition to enhance the projected earnings potential for steak-holders?

      1. A K Stiles
        Pint

        Re: I am still waiting

        Not sure whether to vote up for the implied sarcasm or down for the proximity to actual manglement-speak that has to be endured on a regular basis... In the meantime, have one of these.

        1. Chronos Silver badge

          Re: I am still waiting

          I thank you, sir. It's definitely parody. I wouldn't inflict that kind of thing on people intentionally, especially not on a Friday.

      2. ecofeco Silver badge

        Re: I am still waiting

        Well played Chronos.

        Well played!

      3. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: I am still waiting

        Once again the sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!

      4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: I am still waiting

        @Chronos.

        I have only one thing to say - the fact that you can write all that without your intestines rising up your throat and strangling you indicates that you are, in fact, a Vogon.

        Please report to your nearest immigration centre for Locational Reassignment.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I am still waiting

      "for the smart sandwich."

      That will be the beef sandwich that assures you its morally ok to eat it.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I am still waiting

      "[...] for the smart sandwich."

      A recent article (which Google can't locate) said that M&S were incorporating sensors into their food packaging to indicate how long the pack had been open. It also compensated for lower deterioration if stored in a fridge.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re:That will be the beef sandwich that assures you its morally ok to eat it.

        "I have been force feeding myself for weeks now, so my liver should be particularly tender".

    4. Michael Thibault

      Re: I am still waiting

      "for the smart sandwich."

      Would such a sandwich be DIY? Or would it require the help of a maker fair?

  9. tinpan

    Made me LOL (this acronym still means the same, I hope). Will get me through a session of programming!

  10. Tetchmeister

    Testiculate

    Testiculate:

    Any male talking bollocks.

    Was on 8 out of 10 cats the other night.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Testiculate

      Or another one that seems to resurface around here every so often:

      Chesticulate

      originally defined as a male describing the figure of a woman, but lately seems to have migrated to meaning when a woman is animatedly describing something by waving her arms about.

    3. John H Woods

      Re: Testiculate

      It's waving your hands about and talking bollocks.

      Did they only get half the joke?

      1. This Side Up

        Re: Testiculate

        Wasn't it Adam Hart-Davis who coined that one?

        1. John H Woods

          Re: Testiculate

          I doubt it. Military slang for long enough from me to remember it from childhood in JHQ Rheindahlen...another useful Mil. portmanteau is the term for someone who is a bit of a dick and gets in the way... Knobstacle.

  11. TRT Silver badge

    Codex?

    Dat's de fings wot lets you see vids innit?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Codex?

      Not if they are on Theresa May's "Index Librorum Prohibitorum".

      1. WolfFan Silver badge

        Re: Codex?

        Not if they are on Theresa May's "Index Librorum Prohibitorum".

        Errm... Every book ever written is on that index.

  12. wheelybird

    Teledildonics

    Teledildonics (with the same meaning) has been around for at least ten years.

    I have a vague memory of it being used in conjunction with some old-school VR (back when that stuff was done with Amigas).

    1. Don Dumb
      Terminator

      Re: Teledildonics

      The term has been in the Jargon file for longer I believe (haven't looked at it in over ten years). There was a view that such technology was inevitable, quite presciently as it turns out.

      1. Dave Bell

        Re: Teledildonics

        The first times I saw it, it was in association with multi-player text-based games, and some of those are still running. There were already comments about one-handed typing taking place, and it's still arguable that it's more fun to create personal text, rather than rely on something that looks like just another porn movie. A lot of the VR erotica turns out to depend on motion-capture animations.

        But even with just text, and a dial-up modem, these remotely-controlled devices could be added without using excessive bandwidth.

        It may have all the problems of the Internet of Things, and it's simple enough that's surprising that it's still so obscure. Some sort of simple motor control may be all that's needed. But add a bit of security, IP67 sealing (a QI charger would be good), and developing a safe and secure control app, and I rather doubt the numbers would work out.

        Do you really want hackers to take over the teledildonics? There's likely a kink for that. Rule 34 applies.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Teledildonics

      Yup. About 20 years ago during the first VR bubble and all that blurb about cybersex. I dimly remember devices that plugged into the centronics port.

      1. cynic 2

        Re: Teledildonics

        It might be even older than that. I have a vague memory of it turning up in the Grimbledon Down strip in New Scientist back in the Stone Age.

      2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Teledildonics

        > I dimly remember devices that plugged into the centronics port.

        There was a spoof(?) website at the time called something like "fu-fme.com" with illustrations of people <ahem> interfacing with the front of tower units.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Teledildonics

          interfacing with the front of tower units

          Oh well - that's one way to give the computer it's fluid sacrifice. Personally, I'd prefer to use the traditional method of slicing onself on a bit of the chassis, but chacun a son inflammatory arthritis..

        2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Teledildonics

          Found it!

          http://www.easylife.org/fufme/

          Illustrations here: http://www.easylife.org/fufme/faq-use.html

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Teledildonics

            We used the term Teledildonics at SAIL in (roughly) 1978. I am 99% certain it did not originate with us, but it is something that Uncle John would have come up with ... It's a shame the gootards fucked up DejaNews, there were numerous threads on the subject in the early 1980s (some even serious!).

            That said, whois reports teledildonics.com was first registered in 1998, although I find that difficult to believe. I'm sure it was much earlier than that ... come to think of it, wasn't it in 1998 that InterNIC finally lightened up a trifle and started allowing so-called "risqué" domain names?

        3. Esme

          Re: Teledildonics

          I recall a late-night conversation with my (also female) boss whilst between backup jobs on the mainframes we were running back in 79, when we jokingly discussed the possibilities of "remotely controlled 'joysticks' (fnar,fnar)" - we'd both heard of the term teledildonics by then.

        4. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

          Long after the 1970s were chronologically over, the back pages of dear old "Personal Computer World" magazine still included hardware adverts particularly from Asia - I think these were a Dabbs subject before - of modems and motherboards and keyboards that apparently were particularly popular with young women customers in swimming costume or less. Or nothing. I don't mean to be sexist or hypocritical - I can't say that I felt a strong objection - but it did seem incongruous.

      3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Teledildonics

        plugged into the centronics port

        Fnarr. He said 'centronics' And we all know what sort of filth that conveys eh?

  13. big_D Silver badge
    Joke

    AKA iPhone?

    Spam was a thing that came in square tins with rounded edges.

    That explains a lot about the iPhone. :-D

    1. BenDwire
      Headmaster

      Re: AKA iPhone?

      Ah, so Steve Jobs took his inspiration from a 1970's school dinner - spam fritter anyone?

      1. big_D Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: AKA iPhone?

        I remember Spam fritters, haven't eaten them since I was about 10! Ah, the memories. They usually had enough left over, that we could go back for seconds... That probably explains my wasteline.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: AKA iPhone?

          That probably explains my wasteline.

          And, trust me, if you were eating spam it most certainly was a wasteline..

        2. This Side Up

          Re: AKA iPhone?

          Ah, Spam fritters! They served them at the canteen when I worked on the BSC Redcar complex in the dim and distant past. We reckoned they were made from dumper truck tyres.

  14. FuzzyWuzzys
    Facepalm

    Teledildonics

    I remember in the early 90s when VR was doing the rounds yet again as the next-best-thing-that-will-never-happen and teledildonics was constantly being discussed on trendy late-night US teen shows. We'd all be jacked in, jacked off, plugged in and plugged up to various crap VR apps on 486sx PCs to experience having a very, very non-sexy virtual wank in something akin to the "Money for Nothing" video by Dire Straits!

  15. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
    Pint

    Meta you say?

    I'm so Meta - Even This Acronym.

    Can't remember where I saw it - apologies for lack of attribution.

    of course it was Obligatory XKCD reference

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Crowdcasting"

    That's what Spencer Tunick does for his photographs.

    Hull naked shoot (NSFW)

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      >> Spencer Tunick

      I could have painted them blue in Photoshop afterwards for a couple of hundred quid. It would have taken me 3 seconds.

  17. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
    Pint

    "Eeeeeeeeeeeee-oooooooo buh-doyngg buh-doyngg eeeeee-AAAAAAHHH!"

    Made my day week, this. It really did.

    Nice weekend, everybody!

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
      Happy

      Friday, Dabbsy article, beer o'clock.

      Good.

  18. Chuunen Baka

    Free gift

    All the years I've been annoyed by "pre-booked" and never noticed "free gift". Thanks for giving (gifting?) me another thing to bother me.

    1. Swarthy Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Free gift

      I offer up "ATM Machine", "PIN Number", and "3AM in the morning".

      1. John H Woods

        Re: Free gift

        Paninis...

  19. ecofeco Silver badge

    Who comes up with these words?

    Does these words come from military intelligence or re-branding marketers?

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Who comes up with these words?

      Does these words come from military intelligence or re-branding marketers?

      No - it's worse than that. They come from (lowers voice, whispers) Americans

  20. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

    Spam

    After I'd de-canned, sliced and fried it

    And then promptly threw it in the bin[1] as utterly inedible?

    It always amazes me that the Senior Controller who is, in almost all respects, a Perfect Person[2] nevertheless has an inexplicable fondness for the disgusting pink sludge that you get in a can of spam, preferrably fried until it has the consistency of very salty shoe leather.. Especially as (when we were first married) she didn't like sausages since they, apparently, had "everything in them excpet the squeak".

    [1] Or fed to the dog. After all, the role they are most suited for in an enlightened household like mine is at the bottom of the social ladder[3] and thus, the cleaners-up of leftovers once the real owners (and us) had finished.

    [2] Or so she tells me. And who am I to argue? It could be said that she has at least one flaw[4], but I'm not going to be the one to suggest it.

    [3] Cats, her, me, dog.

    [4] Well, she did marry me.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Spam

      You made me hungry!

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Spam

      Spam is fantastic. Unfortunately for me, I'm now vegetarian.

  21. David Roberts Silver badge
    Windows

    Broadband

    Unless my memory fails me (which it often does) I think this used to describe a modulation technique where a single physical cable carried multiple signals at different frequencies.

    However it was redefined by marketeers in terms of speed to avoid confusing people.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Broadband

      its ok , the term wont be here long, the yoof call it "wifi" now

      It least these TVs with increasingly pointless and stupidly high resolutions follow a sensible naming convention and havent blown their load and used all the options up on phase 1 by calling it "High Definition" . oh wait , well at least *now* they've corrected that.

      1. Mage Silver badge

        Re: HDTV

        "HD Ready TV" = Won't ever receive it on the aerial, but MIGHT down sample it (as low as 480 lines on on Plasma set I saw) via a base band connector (Component, DVI, HDMI without HDCP or HDMI with HDCP versions. Only the HDMI + HDCP can actually use a typical HD source).

        Also a 32" (even) 1920 x 1080 so called HD, is only a digital version of NHK hybrid satellite 1125 line enhanced TV. Computers had MUCH higher resolution on CAD in 1990s and many laptops by 2002 were 1600 x 1200 @ 15", which is only exceeded in visual terms by "4K TV", or "retina resolution" screens.

        1920 x 1080 @ 17" is also crap compared with 1600 x 1200 for working with documents. Also 16:9 on larger screens @ 1080 lines is too wide for reading glasses compared with same dot resolution @ 1200 lines on reading glasses.

        The move to 1366 x 768 and 1920 x 1080 laptop & desktop 16:9 screens instead of 4:3 1600 x 1200 or better is crap. I use a 42" TV to watch video, not my laptop.

        1. J. Cook Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: HDTV

          Indeed. I had a 21" Trinitron CRT that maxed out at 1600x1200, and that was back in 2000. BLoody thing weighed a ton and a half, too.

          Granted, the 24" screen I'm seeing this on is an actual native 1920x1080 panel, but still... I don't miss the 100+ pound desk-bending firebottle, but I do miss the massive amounts of screen real estate on a single monitor. (which is why I have two monitors hooked to the system I'm using.)

          Beer, because I'll be drinking on in a couple hours.

      2. This Side Up

        Re: Broadband

        and Bandwidth - this used to refer to the width of a signal within the frequency spectrum. Now it seems to mean capacity or throughput, or just the amount of time you have available for something.

    2. Down not across Silver badge

      Re: Broadband

      Unless my memory fails me (which it often does) I think this used to describe a modulation technique where a single physical cable carried multiple signals at different frequencies.

      That's more or less the gist of it. Another factor is that compared to old 56kbps (and before that of course) the communications was over the normal voiceband (ie narrowband) of ~4kHz (IIRC) whereas with xDSL you're talking about hundreds of kHz which is pretty broad compared to 4kHz.

      If you look at xDSL diagnostics that shows the frequency usage you may or may not notice that your up and downstreams are divided into 4.3125 kHz channels.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Broadband

        Look up "frequency division multiplexing".

        Nobody ever said marketing knew anything about engineering.

  22. Sloppy Crapmonster

    Dilatechtonics

    The art of preserving earthquakes.

  23. Irongut

    Teledildonics

    Teledildonics is a term that has been around for a long time, with the same meaning even. It was in an episode of The Big Bang Theory several seasons ago so it is quite mainstream, you really should have heard it before now Dabsy.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Teledildonics

      I watched Big Bang Theory once. It is overrated.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Teledildonics - I watched Big Bang Theory once. It is overrated.

        It was all right till it underwent massive inflation after which it become a bit vacuous.

  24. AbortRetryFail
    Joke

    Sexual compatibility

    Not sure if you need to be fluid-bonded, or fibre-bonded, in order to use teledildonics. Either way it could be a pain in the arse (if that's your thing).

  25. short

    It's not a pbook, it's a Holmes-Ginsbook Device

    “The Holmes-Ginsbook Device” , Isaac Asimov, seemingly only released in the collection Opus 100, is a fine short story about two devoted scientists and their invention of an improved document reading device, as the current state of the art made it too difficult to look at girls and smoke.

    I can't remember many of the other stories in that book, but this one has stuck with me.

  26. This Side Up
    Headmaster

    Ultrasonic Sound

    Surely it's an oxymoron, not a tautology?

  27. jake Silver badge

    Meaning of "MoDem"

    It's an old Southern USAian phrase, meaning (roughly) "May I please have another portion of biscuits and gravy?", accompanied with gesticulation toward same.

    Note this is the savory quick bread variation of biscuit.

  28. Gobhicks

    Mondo 2000 ...

    ... was a pre-millenium zine that I'm sure many Regitards will have heard of. "Teledildonics" has been around at least since then. RU Sirius? I sure am.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Mondo 2000 ...

      In the mid 90s a friend asked me why I didn't read Wired ... I answered "because Wired is a cheap, plastic, Madison Avenue driven imitation of High Frontiers and Mondo 2000". Naturally, he didn't get it.

      (I wonder if our ex-moderatrix was inspired by Queen Mu, the domineditrix?)

  29. Paul

    I first heard the term teledildonics about 25 years ago, and thought it very amusing. It wasn't a terribly serious concept, as the Internet was still fairly new let alone connecting robotic things to the Internet!

    1. jake Silver badge

      "About 25 years ago" ...

      ... the Internet was "about" 25 years old. That's hardly "fairly new" ... And trust me, we had robotics hooked up to the 'net before the TCP/IP switchover at the beginning of 1981 (SAIL, SLAC and NASA/Ames that I worked on; MIT, UCLA, Utah et ali had their own robotics projects, there were others).

  30. DropBear Silver badge
    Trollface

    "the likes of completely surrounded, pre-booked and free gift"

    Wut, not "irregardless"...?

    1. Andy A

      I'm sure "irregardless" is a real word.

      It is a property that an infra-red diode possesses when not being watched.

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