back to article Swedish school pumps up volume to ease toilet trauma

Rather than forcing kids to suffer the embarrassment of composing their own wind sections in the toilets at schools, one solution proposed in northern Europe is to pipe in sweet music to drown out any anal-based arias. Swedish local councillor Cecilia Cato, based in the town of Tingsryd, devised the plan amid concern that some …

  1. David Neil

    Stage Fright is real

    Happens to the best of us

  2. Excellentsword

    Shitfun – Autopsy

  3. Paul Kunert

    Butthole Surfers?

  4. LeahroyNake Bronze badge
    Flame

    Queen

    Don't stop me now or I want to break free !

  5. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

    Wind beneath my ring.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      One or two edits to one of Van Halen's most famous songs would be suitably encouraging and optimistic. 'Might as well dump...DUMP!....Go ahead and dump'

  6. frank ly

    When I was a lad ....

    .... , we were never embarassed by toilet functions or noises. We used to have contests to see who could make the highest splash mark on the wall. Any noises were a source of pride and boasting and strenuous effort to do better. Why are kids nowadays so delicate?

  7. elDog Silver badge

    Why do you think Tchaikovsky composed the 1812 Overture?

    Apparently Napoleon had fearsome farts and loved shooting his cannons to cover them up. He really wasn't belligerent at all.

    Same for Bach and his canons......

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      But when you were a lad, all this were fields.

      1. hoola Bronze badge

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        Nah, outside toilets at First School (Primary nowadays), who can pee over the wall so that it went onto the teacher's cars parked the other side. The whole thing was pretty much Victorian, a ceramic glazed trough like a gutter about 15 feet long, painted walls and quarry tiles.

    2. 45RPM Silver badge

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      I feel sorry for all the young chaps who’ve only been going to the pub since the smoking ban. Before the smoking ban, we had great fun trying to fill the little metal ashtrays which were thoughtfully screwed to the wall above the urinal.

      Actually, I feel sorry for the ladies too - they’ve never had the pleasure either.

      Sigh. Happy days.

    3. Shadow Systems Silver badge

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      Exactly! Embarrased? Oh HELL no!

      I'll sit there singing "Sixteen Tons" & accompanying the wet wind section with a selection of armpit farts, wet slobbery zrbts into the elbow, honks, & a drum-roll tappity on the floor with my feet.

      Don't be embarrassed, be entertaining! =-D

      *Cough*

    4. W4YBO

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      It's a shame! They don't know what they're missing. You'll still hear an exhortation to "Pull my finger" in my group of peers.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      >Why are kids nowadays so delicate?<

      Because they were brought up by feminist pedagogues and not by their parents!

      This also relates to many other problems in our society, stemming from the feminized western male.

      It must be solved, if our race and culture is to survive!

      (vision: white naked male on beach chewing a ham sandwich while holding AR15)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        My internal feminist (forcibly installed during the 1970's) would dearly love to disagree with this, but unfortunately there's more than a grain of truth to it. In Japan it's gone so far now that many men will sit down to urinate rather than stand because it makes less noise. And this is even in the land of the Toilet Queen.

        (And before you ask, a Toilet Queen is a little box you fix to the wall of the toilet that emits white noise or other sound-blanking noises)

        1. Lars Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          Japan came to my mind too, so I had to look her up, as Cato doesn't "sound" very Swedish.

          Here she is, political ambitions perhaps. Named and shamed?.

          https://tingsryd.se/fortroendeman/cato-cecilia-c/

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          I sit down to piss simply because god attached a garden sprinkler to the end of my winkle.

          By doing so I ameliorate the noise made by my SOH when she walks into a lake of piss on the loo seat.

          1. Orv Silver badge

            Re: When I was a lad ....

            I sit down to piss simply because god attached a garden sprinkler to the end of my winkle.

            The physics of one stream of liquid falling nearly a meter and entering a pool of liquid are such that no matter how good your aim or well-formed your nozzle, there's gonna be splashback. I have nothing to prove to anyone in my household, so I'll take sitting to piss over scrubbing pee mist off the wall any day. It also greatly reduces the dexterity requirements when it's early in the morning and I haven't had my coffee yet.

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          In Victorian times, people hummed and sang to mask the sounds of discharge. It is hardly new...

          As far as sitting down to pee, you can chuckle over this http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30937492 but if you had to clean the urine off of the floor or walls, you would demand men sit. For women, there is always GoGirl.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        @AC with the homoerotic fantasies about naked white males

        Pretty sure society would be better off if we figured out how to eliminate racist morons like you from the gene pool, rather than worry about the 'feminization' of western males.

    6. S4qFBxkFFg

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      "We used to have contests to see who could make the highest splash mark on the wall"

      I remember my dad telling me of an acquaintance in primary school who (after holding it for a day) was capable of (and proud of) hitting the ceiling.

      I never used the toilets at school - not because of embarrassing noises - but because they were vile hellholes - seldom cleaned, seldom flushed, inadequately supplied with paper, etc. etc.

      (Also, if I was in charge of the school in Sweden, I'd just have the sound system permanently playing a loop of farting/splashing/grunting noises.)

      1. Orv Silver badge

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        "I never used the toilets at school - not because of embarrassing noises - but because they were vile hellholes - seldom cleaned, seldom flushed, inadequately supplied with paper, etc. etc."

        In my school we had no stall doors and there was no soap. Needless to say it had to be a pretty severe emergency to get me to use one. Especially since there was always some kid ready to smack me into the wall or throw water on me.

        1. veti Silver badge

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          In my school we had no stall doors and there was no soap. Needless to say it had to be a pretty severe emergency to get me to use one. Especially since there was always some kid ready to smack me into the wall or throw water on me.

          You had water? Luxury! In my school, if you wanted water, you had to wait for a nerd to come in and smack him into the wall until he cried!

        2. Nolveys Silver badge

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          In my school we had no stall doors and there was no soap. Needless to say it had to be a pretty severe emergency to get me to use one. Especially since there was always some kid ready to smack me into the wall or throw water on me.

          Ah, grade school/high school. Nothing says "welcome to our fucking society" like spending almost one's entire childhood in a place designed to resemble a prison.

      2. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        (Also, if I was in charge of the school in Sweden, I'd just have the sound system permanently playing a loop of farting/splashing/grunting noises.)

        Screamin' Jay Hawkins - Constipation Blues.

      3. 2Nick3

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        "Also, if I was in charge of the school in Sweden, I'd just have the sound system permanently playing a loop of farting/splashing/grunting noises."

        If you're going to be worried about this, that is really the best solution.

      4. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        (Also, if I was in charge of the school in Sweden, I'd just have the sound system permanently playing a loop of farting/splashing/grunting noises.)

        'Pervers Pépère' (a comic strip character by Marcel Gotlib) takes, as one gag, a tape recorder past a water spewer, a weight lifter and a jackhammer operator, then pinches a little girl and finally kicks a large stone into a canal, recording it all. He then goes into a public toilet, rewinds the tape and plays back the succession of noises, to the (rapidly increasing) horror of the loo lady outside the stalls.

      5. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        Agreed, the solution is to play sufficient recorded plops, splashes, gurgles and guffs that the ones that you make yourselves go unnoticed.

        Years ago wasn't there a new thing in Japanese electronic toileting, of playing the sound of a waterfall, likewise as covering noise rather than encouragement although it works for that as well.

      6. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        "I remember my dad telling me of an acquaintance in primary school who (after holding it for a day) was capable of (and proud of) hitting the ceiling."

        We didn't have ceilings in the school urinals - just open air above our heads.

        The Australians in the 1990s had a very non-PC approach to such matters in their children's TV programme series "Round The Twist". It even reached the BBC - and apparently appealed to kids' sense of outraging adult sensitivities.

        Here's a sample relevant to the quoted comment Little Squirt. See 21m37s denouement if you don't have time to get the full story.

        1. heyrick Silver badge

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          "Round The Twist" - recently got the DVD box set, to happily remember one of the craziest shows of my (late) childhood.

        2. werdsmith Silver badge

          Re: When I was a lad ....

          My memory of the school toilets is the gutter with loo cakes in them at the bottom of a porcelain wall that used to be everywhere before things started to get more private. Still some of those in old unrenovated pubs.

          Standing there one day, 6 or seven in a line, one lad looking down had his glasses fell off into the gutter and instantly all streams converged on them, pushing them along the gutter toward the drain....

          But generally the loos in schools being out of sight from staff were not places to hang around unless you wanted a beating or something more humiliating.

      7. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        Perhaps the MP3 files from this project might be useful:

        http://triggur.org/robodump/

      8. Steve the Cynic

        Re: When I was a lad ....

        "I remember my dad telling me of an acquaintance in primary school who (after holding it for a day) was capable of (and proud of) hitting the ceiling."

        Might have been one of my former(1) classmates from when I was in primary school, several decades ago. (Hint: 1975 is included in that period of my life.)

        (1) And no, I'm not in the least bit disappointed that these people are *former* classmates. I regret somewhat having them as former *classmates*, or even former *countrymen*(2), but there you are.

        (2) I've spent a third of my life living outside my native country...

    7. FuzzyWuzzys
      Mushroom

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      Many the time me and my mates would have "postern blast" competitions to see who could make the loudest noise! Something about my diet and motions meant I could easily be heard 75 yards away! Ha ha!

      1. Shadow Systems Silver badge

        @FuzzyWuzzys, re being heard...

        Heard 75 yards away? BAH! Come back when they register on the Richter Scale! =-D

    8. Oh Homer
      Childcatcher

      Re: "Why are kids nowadays so delicate?"

      Probably for the same reason that they're a bunch of hypochondriacs with fictional "disorders", because the prevailing loony trend of political correctness encouraged them to be.

    9. Lars Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Why do you think Tchaikovsky composed the 1812 Overture?

      From farts to Tchaikovsky, not bad for a Monday and has helped me to stop laughing after the election.

      For those of you, unfamiliar with "1812" try this, especially if you think "old" music is boring.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGiz_qbViE0

      And the longer one here, one of the best you can find on Youtube.

      Tchaikovsky Overture 1812 - Seiji Ozawa

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DFsF_0tfiM

      And then there is the Wiki for your further information.

    10. Timbo

      Re: When I was a lad ....

      The secondary school I was "allocated" to (SE London, 1969) was known for its roughness, with plenty of stories of older pupils causing physical injury and suffering to the 1st year intake.

      So, having one's head pushed down into the (used) toilet bowl and it being flushed, being forcibly circumcised and of having razor blades dragged across one's chest - all "initiation rites" performed by these older male pupils.

      As an 11 yr old, I wasn't expecting to see the 2nd year :-(

      About 2 years later a new head, (who was ex-army) was installed and the school improved dramatically and the nasty elements were removed.

  8. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    Several decades later

    A class action against the school for hearing loss.

    1. Lars Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Several decades later

      I don't think they have "class actions" in Sweden (yet).

  9. jzl

    Big Log

    by Robert Plant

  10. malle-herbert Silver badge
    Joke

    Every piss you take...

    I'll be watching you...

    1. John G Imrie Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Every piss you take...

      With that title, you really expect me to click on that link?

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Alert

        Re: Every piss you take...

        Somewhere in the readership is one brave soul who will click on it.... and hopefully report back.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Every piss you take...

          I did. It's a video by Police. Boring as arse.

          A much better vid is on Handleoclast's post further down.

          Cheers… Ishy

  11. Paul Kunert

    Dump Truck by Blind Melon

  12. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Coat

    4'33" by John Cage

    I think it would be better to change people's attitudes than further encourage them to believe sounds we all make are something to be ashamed of, are evil or wrong, and need to be covered up.

    It is a perpetuating harm which affects an incredible number of people. Let's start by figuring out who is indoctrinating people into believing what's entirely natural isn't acceptable.

    Mine's the one with the "Loud and Proud" badge ...

    1. Orv Silver badge

      Re: 4'33" by John Cage

      I think it would be better to change people's attitudes than further encourage them to believe sounds we all make are something to be ashamed of, are evil or wrong, and need to be covered up.

      Judging from conversation threads I've seen, whether it's ever OK to fart in public is apparently highly controversial among women. Also controversial: Whether it's OK to fart in front of your husband. It's crazy how repressed our social norms still are, especially for women.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: 4'33" by John Cage

        "It's crazy how repressed our social norms still are, especially for women."
        Never stopped my mother, but then we were working class. Her refrain:

        "Where e'er you be on land or sea

        Always let your wind blow free."

  13. 0laf Silver badge

    Nothing compares to poo - Sinead O'Colon

    Jumping Jack Flash (It's a gas gas gas)

  14. Alan Ferris
    Coat

    Sorry

    Any Urrrr ... Soul music

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wagner

    "Ride of the Valkyries"?

    Dave

    P.S. Hey, I could have said Wagner's "Bridal Chorus", since that's where most weddings belong... ;-)

  16. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    Can safely say that

    I as a parent insist on setting a good example for my boys.

    We all make various noises -- and it seems that since I've had my gall bladder out, my variety of noises has only expanded.

    If someone over there has been abusing their kids by making potty time something to be ashamed of, its time to fix the parents, or the social structure that permitted the shaming.

  17. hatti

    Why do toilet numbers not go higher than 2. I'm fairly sure I went for a number 5 once.

    1. handleoclast

      Number 5?

      I nearly bust a gut laughing as I tried to figure out what a number 5 could possibly be.

      A number 6 I could understand. And a number 10. Very cheap cigarettes, those. But a number 5 boggles the mind and defies the imagination. And made me laugh so hard I just did a number 3.

      1. Herby Silver badge

        Re: Number 5?

        Look, we here in IT land use binary, so number 10 is completely logical.

        We now return you to your regularly scheduled comment section.....

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. hatti

        Re: Number 5?

        Its a number 1 and a happy ending.

    2. Paul Kunert

      Good curry was it?

  18. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

    Icicle Works

    When It All Comes Down

    1. Down not across Silver badge

      Re: Icicle Works

      I raise you John Mellencamp and Crumblin' Down.

  19. A K Stiles

    Toto

    The first 30 seconds or so of Africa.

  20. handleoclast

    They need music that emphasises morality

    Obviously, they need music that reinforces Christianity's moral teachings. Specifically about saving oneself until marriage. Such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY

    Warning: very NSFW.

    But if whoever checks the suitability of music doesn't go further than the first few bars...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Re: They need music that emphasises morality

      @Handleoclast

      And just how did you find that vid???? Pray tell.

      Cheers… Ishy

      1. handleoclast

        Re: They need music that emphasises morality

        @Ishy

        I found it because my choice of youtube videos is rather eclectic and youtube's suggestions algorithm bears almost no relationship to what I've watched or what I'm interested in. Occasionally when I tell youtube I'm not interested in a suggested video it will explain that it suggested that particular video because of a video I'd previously watched, but which as far as I can tell is unrelated in any way, shape or form.

        I have no idea why youtube suggested that video to me. Actually, it was another video of the same pair doing the same song. The one I referenced here was titled "The Loophole." The one youtube suggested to me had a cruder title (taken from the lyrics, starting with "f"). And two very cute women in the thumbnail. There was no way I could resist that.

        No way I could resist watching some of their other videos, either.

        Makes a change from the cat videos. Ob cat video (affectionate cats).

  21. vir

    I Thought The Japanese Had This All Sorted

    Doesn't Toto make toilets that have a modesty noisemaker?

  22. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    Slip sliding away.

    Sixteen tons.

    I can see clearly now.

    Splish Splash (I was taking a bath).

    Good vibrations.

    Come on, Feel the Noise!

    Smokin' in the boys' room.

    Sweet Dreams (are made of these).

    Too much time on my hands.

    =-D

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Slip sliding away.

      "Too much time on my hands."

      Make sure you wash them.

      A few years ago it was noticed that while we older men would have a conversation at the urinals - our younger colleagues would disappear into a stall. They often didn't bother washing their hands afterwards - they just made an immediate beeline for the exit.

  23. 45RPM Silver badge

    For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

    When I was a lad, at boarding school, the only loo paper provided was Izal Medicated. I don’t think that you can get it anymore - but (for the uninitiated - i.e. the youthful) it was like wiping your arse on a flimsy*.

    My particular use for Izal was to (before settling comfortably) fold a little flotilla of ships and float them in the bowl (4 or 5 was generally possible in the bog dock) - and then see how many of them I could sink with my tor-poo-do.

    Ashamed of having a shit? Not me. It’s a great way to pass the time - even if all that you have to entertain yourself is a copy of AutoTrader (or a phone with The Register!)

    *you don’t know what a flimsy is? Strewth! It’s a thin, crinkly, piece of paper that would be placed behind the ‘original’ with a sheet of carbon paper inbetween. That way, when the ‘original’ was printed with an impact** printer of some description you’d have an instant copy. In any event, a flimsy would be crinkly and uncomfortable to wipe your arse with - and with a high likelihood of Bungle’s Finger*** as a result.

    **dot matrix, daisy wheel, golfball - that manner o’ sausage.

    ***look it up.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

      When I was a lad, at boarding school, the only loo paper provided was Izal Medicated.

      I too remember (without fondness) Izal Medicated. Very similar to greaseproof paper, and completely non-absorbent.

      But, 40(cough) years on, it's the smell of carbolic soap which always brings back memories of my infant school toilets - tiled in dark green, with lighter patches where the moss had taken hold...

      1. 45RPM Silver badge

        Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

        @Alister - I didn't mind the smell of carbolic soap. Actually, I quite like it in a weird sort of way. I'd buy it today if it weren't for the fact that my wife wouldn't be too happy.

        Back in the day, of course, the authorities weren't so precious about dirt and grime, and we used to be able to get to, and hide behind, those huge, wheeled, galvanised bins that all the food waste and other stuff from the kitchens got lobbed into. I don't know how big they really were, except that they were bigger than me (at the time). And they always had a weird, yellowy brown, slick at the base - and a very pungent smell of rotting cabbage and other food waste. Not all the evocative smells of childhood are pleasant!

      2. 45RPM Silver badge

        Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

        @Alister - by the way, I disagree about greaseproof paper. Izal was no way that strong!

        1. Alister Silver badge

          Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

          @45RPM

          I was thinking more of the texture, rather than the strength :)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

        "When I was a lad, at boarding school, the only loo paper provided was Izal Medicated. "

        In the 1950/60s many households still only had outside toilets. On the back of the door was a nail from which hung neatly cut squares of the previous days' newspapers. Hard as Izal but at least you could catch up with news. Annoying when you couldn't find the other piece of an interesting story.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

      "My particular use for Izal was to (before settling comfortably) fold a little flotilla of ships and float them in the bowl [...]"

      Someone's autobiography described a school where the pupils' toilets were wooden benches with a hole - over a water-filled open drain that ran the length of the stalls. A common trick was to make a paper boat and float it along the length of the drain - driven by the prevailing current. They would usually set fire to the boat before releasing it - and wait for the screams.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

        They would usually set fire to the boat before releasing it - and wait for the screams.

        Given the possible methane content of the environment there must have been the odd riks of explosion as well :)

      2. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

        A common Victorian design of lavatory for mills and factories consisted of a series of stalls with seats atop a porcelain gutter part-full of water, with a flush unit at one end. Periodically, this would be triggered and the accumulated turds flushed away.

        However, a very common trick eventually forced a re-design of this system. The trick was simple: chuck a large ball of lit waxed paper down the hole closest to the flusher, then trigger it whilst some of the other stalls were occupied. This then burned the backsides of anyone not quick enough to stand up as the burning paper came past. Smarter pranksters generally departed rapidly before any scorched-arse victims could find them.

        The re-designed system merely had partitions dipping down into the water surface in the gutter to extinguish burning items; mill workers in those dim and distant days didn't have access to metallic sodium and the like.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: For Your Izal Only (Sheena Easton)

      "It’s a great way to pass the time - even if all that you have to entertain yourself is a copy of AutoTrader"

      In the 1960s. After lunch my brother-in-law would go to the outside toilet - taking a cup of tea or half an orange to consume. It was said that being in a large family this was the only place for some privacy.

  24. Rande Knight

    I didn't go to the loo much at school either

    But that was mostly due to soap only being provided when there was a school inspection due.

    ...and it being a hangout for bullies/drug users.

  25. JLV Silver badge

    Let it go -

    Dancing with myself - that music can cover other noises than farts ;-)

  26. BenDwire

    On the bog reading a newspaper

    Comfortably Numb

  27. Christoph Silver badge

    Blazing Saddles

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      That scene from the Bond film*, where 007 is fighting the baddie in a stall, and the Texas in the next stall thinks he's having a particularly difficult shit, and cheers him on...

      *I'm old and don't feel like searching on this tablet Typing is hard enough.

      1. JulieM Silver badge

        That was not James Bond -- it was Austin Powers -- International Man of Mystery (the first one).

  28. Scuby

    Expell the demons!

    Oh Fortuna - Karl Orff

    Ave Satani - Theme from The Omen

    Night on Bald\Bare Mountian - Mussorgsky

    1812 Overture...

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who shits at school?

    The school day is only 6 hours long. In 14 years I took at most 3 hover-jobs at school.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: Who shits at school?

      The school day is only 6 hours long.

      It may be now, but both my junior and secondary school days were 81/2 hours - 8:30 to 16:00.

      After consuming the provided stodgy school dinners, a bowel evacuation was commonly required during the afternoon!

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        Re: Who shits at school?

        If you think 0830 to 1600 is 8 1/2 hours, you should go back to school.

        1. Alister Silver badge

          Re: Who shits at school?

          I admit my typo - 7 1/2 of course

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Who shits at school?

        " 8:30 to 16:00."

        For school I left the house at 7:30 to catch a series of buses - and returned home by about 17:00 - later if there was a hobby club.

        Urinals were no problem - but It took me many years to get over my childhood aversion caused by the schools' Victorian buildings' ancient sitting toilet facilities.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Who shits at school?

          You're not supposed to shit in the urinals dude.

    2. 's water music Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Who shits at school?

      The school day is only 6 hours long. In 14 years I took at most 3 hover-jobs at school.

      Mine were up to 670 hours. Ok they taught an aggressive programme of anal retentiveness but most kids still needed to go during school hours at least up to Deps*

      *lower sixth

  30. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
    Angel

    Motorhead: The Bomber

    Other fitting titles from this fine band can certainly be found.

    For the weed smoking kids I suggest B52: Party out of Bounds

    Hmmm, Salt n Peppa's Push It could be also quite appropriate.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Kids these days....

    When I was a wee lad my parents sent me to military boarding school in Florida.

    Due to the amount of young reprobates being presumably sent there to shape up, the school was probably verrrry concerned about drug use or wanking in the stalls because there were none. No walls, partitions, nada.

    Just a long line of toilets were you could observe someone doing his business 8 bogs down.

    Strangely enough I was really constipated for about a week and then learned not to give a shit ;-)

    Nowadays, both my kids can be counted on to hit the crapper like clockwork as soon as they get home, because of course, it wouldn't do to do it at school ;-)

    p.s. don't approve of the above, but you get used to almost anything if you really have to

  32. chivo243 Silver badge

    Anything by

    The Bloody Stools...

  33. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Teargas

    I thought Katatonia's song was about something else but now I'm in a fog.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Supergrass

    Richard III ?

  35. vonBureck

    Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?

    Nothing like a bit of Frank Zappa to show 'em what life is really all about.

    1. Chemical Bob

      Re: Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?

      Damn! Ya beat me to it but forgot the youtube link...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vmPwZT-9zY

  36. Pompous Git Silver badge
  37. Chemist

    I started work at a very classy research centre.

    In one loo the graffiti read :

    "Ici laisse tomber en ruine tous les beaux arts de la cuisine"

    ( or something similar - it was nearly 45 years ago)

  38. Anonymous Coward
  39. Herby Silver badge

    One thing for sure....

    Bathroom stories bring out the best in ElReg commenters. I've even learned something (what is a "flimsy"). Life is full of surprises.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      What did Rome do for us

      Disappointing there isn't any comment in Latin quoting Ancient Roman writers' observations on the subject.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: What did Rome do for us

        There's a scene in Aristophanes Frogs where Dionysus meets Aeacus a security guard in the underworld. Aeacus believes Dionysus stole his puppy, Cerberus, so he's really pissed off. Aeacus tells Dionysus that the hags of hell “are going shred your blood-soaked kidneys,” whereupon the immortal deity Dionysius falls flat on his face cowering in fear. Dionysuius’ next line is: “I shit myself!”

        Will that do?

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: One thing for sure....

      I know of a couple "flimsies":

      1) A telegram or TELEX printout is called a flimsy. Some people called the output of early thermal printers flimsies.

      2) One of my Uncles called a fuel can a flimsy (he claimed he learned the term from the Brits in Italy during the last days of WWII ... not sure where this actually came from, he's the only person I ever heard use it).

      3) Bingo cards, according to one of my Aunts (wife of the above Uncle).

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: One thing for sure....

        2) One of my Uncles called a fuel can a flimsy (he claimed he learned the term from the Brits in Italy during the last days of WWII ... not sure where this actually came from, he's the only person I ever heard use it).

        This comes from the British issued fuel cans being made of very, very thin metal, due I suppose to rationing of materials. Most British land forces quickly adopted captured German ones (and later copied and manufactured their own), which were much more strongly built. Hence why they are still commonly called Jerry cans.

  40. CCCP

    Just show them the election result...

    And they'll piss themselves laughing. Problem solved.

  41. Reg Whitepaper

    Handel's Water Music?

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qz3lwXEGWIM

  43. Stoneshop Silver badge
    Flame

    Suggestions

    Hüsker Dü - From The Gut

    Hüsker Dü - Bricklayer

    Hüsker Dü - Too Much Spice

    Roxy Music - Both Ends Burning

    Wipers - Let It Slide

    Wipers - Against The Wall

  44. ofnuts

    "There is a bathroom on the right" by CCR

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExViB7ArQNA

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In the 1970s my Finno-Swedish girlfriend turned out to be the daughter of a Government minister and CEO of a large company. She invited me to a holiday at their summer cottage on one of the larger islands in the archipelago.

    The outside toilet was the common Scandinavian cottage "dry earth" bucket under a hole in the wooden bench. The bench had two holes - and my friend told of her long, long school summer holidays when she and her best friend would gossip for a while while using the toilet.

    There was a similar two-seater on a farm in England that my friends were renovating. It had been a working farm until 1970 - with no electricity or mains water/sewerage. When landscaping the garden it was discovered that the bank by the toilet was coal-fire ashes several feet deep - with many Camp coffee bottles in the layers. For years afterwards broken glass would often appear on the surface of the new lawn.

    On a one day visit to China in 1993 the tourist group included several USA elderly ladies. On getting off the Pearl River ferry they asked for the "comfort station" and were directed to a building. My girlfriend followed them. She knew what to expect - and later described those ladies' reactions to a row of toilets separated by low walls.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And the moral of the story is: Yanks shouldn't travel.

      1. jake Silver badge

        The moral of the story is ...

        ... City folks shouldn't travel outside their comfort zone.

        (That and ACs have never actually spent any time in the USA.)

  46. Garymrrsn

    What will happen down the road?

    If these kids don't learn to deal with the embarrassment of toilet noises now, what will happen to them when they reach old age? There is a reason behind the term "Old Fart".

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Are You Embarrassed Easily?

      The course has been designed by Dr. Carl Gruber of the 'Institute of Going a Bit Red' in Helsinki. Here he himself introduces the course.

      Hello my name is Carl Gruber. Thank you for inviting me into your home. My method is the result of six years work here at the institute in which subjects were exposed to simulated embarrassment predicaments over a prolonged fart, period, time (sound of farting). Sorry.

      Lesson two, noises. Noises are a major embarrassment source. Even words like tits, winkle and vibraphone, cannot rival the embarrassment potential of sounds. Listen to this if you can. (slurping squishy noise). How do you rate your embarrassment response? A) High, B) Hello, C) Good evening. If C, you are loosening up and will soon be ready for this. (plopping, popping noise) Well, how did you rate? A) Embarrassed, B) Hello, C) Good evening.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What will happen down the road?

      "If these kids don't learn to deal with the embarrassment of toilet noises now, what will happen to them when they reach old age?"

      Blame it on the old dog under the table.

  47. TRT Silver badge

    I suppose...

    any sort of plop music would do.

  48. Captain DaFt

    Forgotten already?

    Not one mention The Butthole Surfers?

    In the whole thread?

    Really?

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Forgotten already?

      "Not one mention The Butthole Surfers?"
      Turd comment... So to speak ;-)

  49. IvyKing
    Mushroom

    Donovan's Intergalatic Laxative

    If shitting is your problem…..

    Another oldie, "It's a Gas" by Alfred E. Newman.

    Don't think Svensk cuisine would hold a candle to Tex-Mex for gas production, then again holding said candle could be a fire hazard.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Donovan's Intergalatic Laxative

      "[...] then again holding said candle could be a fire hazard."

      There was a music hall speciality act called "Le Pétomane" - but I don't think he ignited his farts.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_P%C3%A9tomane

  50. jake Silver badge

    Cato is Swedish?

    And here I always thought he was from Hull ...

  51. Putters

    This is just going to cause new anxieties ...

    some poor kid ... sitting there, unable to squeeze one out ... do to anxiety that the heavy plop or postern blast is going to coincide with the silent bit between tracks ...

  52. Gruber

    as we have started down memory lane...

    ...concerning less advanced facilities, I would like to share the experience of the cottage we used to live in in Norfolk. In the outhouse was a 48 gallon drum stood on end with the other end removed and a lavatory seat perched upon it. The drum was situated in a small cubicle in the outhouse and it was a fine and quiet place in which to contemplate the world (some come here to sit and think ;¬) etc.). Unfortunately 'progress' intervened and a septic tank was installed in the orchard and a normal Crapper in the bathroom. This meant that the oildrum was now surplus to requirements and so the council were duly called to remove it. At this point I should mention that the drum had become rather full, to within 4 inches of the top.

    In due course a lorry turned up, just a regular flat-bed lorry with two council employees in the cab. They introduced themselves and then went round to the outhouse to start the removal. They must have spent around 15 minutes looking at the problem ;¬) before deciding that they should 'walk' the drum to the lorry by rolling it on its edge. This was just about possible with great care but the 'contents' were lapping perilously close to the edge the whole time.

    Eventually they arrived with the drum at the back of the lorry, and another lengthy pause ensued while they argued about how they were going to get the wretched drum up onto the lorry. My brother and I (6 years and 8 years old) were spellbound. This was the best entertainment we had ever seen, better even than the clowns at Billy Smart's circus or the time that our father spilled some gravy on grandma's white two-piece and had to go into the kitchen to smother (unsuccessfully, I might add) his laughter.

    A few attempts were made at a conventional lift with both chaps forcing their fingers under the rim of the drum, but instability showed itself very quickly and much slopping of contents could be observed. So far they had managed to avoid any spillage but it was close.

    Their next cunning plan involved one guy standing on the flatbed and reaching down to grab the top of the drum, while the other attempted the conventional lift from the bottom of the drum. With much straining and groaning and use of Norfolk rural epithet, the drum slowly made its wobbling way towards the flatbed; it must be said that the greater part of the effort was contributed by the unfortunate guy on terra firma, and he was clearly at the end of his powers by the time the base of the drum came to rest on the edge of the flatbed. It was a huge misfortune then, that this herculean effort was rewarded by a slip from the guy on the lorry which allowed the drum to sway and nearly fall. He managed to rescue it and slide it fully onto the flatbed, but not before a veritable Niagara of 'contents' had cascaded over his unhappy colleague below.

    My brother and I were thunderstruck: we laughed until our sides were aching, but this was nothing compared to the guy on the flatbed, who started crying with laughter, and then smartly jumped off the flatbed and nipped round to the cab where he proceeded to lock himself in the lorry. He carried on laughing and at one point it seemed as if he would be sick.

    The unfortunate 'creature from the black lagoon' in the meantime had been trying to wipe himself off with clumps of grass, with the success that you can imagine this activity might engender. He made various entreaties to his colleague in the cab, but it was no dice. Eventually he heaved himself up onto the flatbed and secured the noisome drum with ropes and then the lorry left, flatbed occupied by the drum and the now brown-overalled council employee, with attendant cloud of delighted flies.

    This memory has been treasured for nearly 50 years.

    So it seems very tame that teenagers are unable to perform in public - I won't mention the competitive element that other commenters have mentioned other than to say that producing the longest flame was a key competence needed for dormitory life ;¬)

    1. werdsmith Silver badge

      Re: as we have started down memory lane...

      That's so funny I need the loo now!

      That curious look from colleagues in a quiet office as I try to keep quiet! :)

    2. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: as we have started down memory lane...

      Mike Hayes of Prickle Farm fame used to relate a story about cleaning out the septic tank on the day of a wedding he had to attend. He fell in and no amount of washing could remove the stink!

      First house we lived in in Australia the night cart used to collect the full can and replace it with an empty one. Mother wrote a letter to the local paper in UKLand. They refused to print it on the grounds that life couldn't ever be that primitive, even in the colonies.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: as we have started down memory lane...

        "First house we lived in in Australia the night cart used to collect the full can and replace it with an empty one."

        Working in Stockholm in 1978 I rented a summer cottage in a nearby village for the summer. The toilet was a privy in the garden. Under the toilet seat was a large metal can.There was also a bucket of earth with a small shovel. This was used to cover your faeces in the bucket. Once a week a truck came round and replaced the can.

        IIRC in the Irish novel "At Swim, Two Boys" there is a description of the night-soil man (circa 1916) having to bring the contents through a shop with the customers trying to ignore him.

  53. Andrew Moore

    Noy only Plopp...

    but they also have a chocolate bar called Kexx. I like to take the bar from Plopp and stick it into the Kexx wrapper and tell everyone that I "have a Plopp in my Kexx"...

  54. ShadowDragon8685

    El Reg commentariat, you disappoint me.

    How could three pages have happened and nobody pointed out that the answer to this problem already exists? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilets_in_Japan#The_Sound_Princess

  55. gaz 7

    Disappointed

    That no one else has suggested Something inside so Strong by Labri Siffri

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otuwNwsqHmQ

  56. Schultz
    Stop

    Wrong solution

    Soft music will not properly cover up the more voluminous eruptions. The solution should clearly involve playing fart sounds over the intercom. That would make everyone comfortable.

  57. no-one in particular

    "Invocation Of The Fundamental Orifice Of St. Agnes" by Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias

  58. W4YBO

    Talking Heads - Burning Down the House

    Just for the percussion; ought to cover nearly anything.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Talking Heads - Burning Down the House

      Let the kids make their own percussive music.

      10 year old Alex Shumaker "Welcome to the Jungle" Guns n Roses

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwq8UQSGzgg

      Paradise City 6 year old Drummer - Avery Drummer Molek

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIBZrX5eoI8

  59. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Spike Milligan in his book "Rommel? Gunner Who?" spoke of "Richards floating everywhere" after a particular rainy spell. The explanation given was Richards = Richard the Third = Turds, being a cockney rhyming slang.

    So there you have it. Richards is just another name for turds.

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If you've had a child with encopresis...

    ...then you are not laughing at this.

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: If you've had a child with encopresis...

      What I have is an incontinence problem. Happily I wear my Depends while pissing myself with laughter.

  61. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Amongst all this music...

    There must be a few number ones and number twos

    1. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Amongst all this music...

      Not to mention hits and misses!

      Oill give it foive!

  62. Puuru

    Old Hat (Fart?)

    Sorry Sweden, but Japanese public toilets have provided this facility for decades.

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