back to article Utah fights man's attempt to marry laptop

The Utah Attorney General's Office says marrying a laptop is not a constitutionally protected right, particularly if it's less than fifteen years old. Responding to a quixotic lawsuit that aspires to undo the US Supreme Court's recognition of same-sex marriage, David N Wolf, Assistant Attorney General of Utah, contends that …

  1. Oldfogey
    Childcatcher

    OK Computer

    Several of my computers, still in at least occasional use, would meet the 18 rule in the UK.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Ship of Theseus

      But is it the same computer if all the parts have been upgraded?

      1. Mephistro Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Ship of Theseus

        Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          "Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so..."

          Or are we? Deep.

        2. h4rm0ny

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          >>"Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so..."

          If you're the same person as when you were born then... No, wait - never mind. This would explain a lot of things...

        3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born

          And our cells get replaced every 7[1] years or so..

          [1] Some a lot more quickly - skin cells are replaced a lot more quickly than that.

      2. heyrick Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Ship of Theseus

        Is it the same woman if some of her parts have been upgraded?

        1. uncommon_sense
          Joke

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          As long as it's got an SD-slut, it should work..

      3. This post has been deleted by its author

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ship of Theseus

        Well if he consummates the marriage he's going to need a new keyboard.......

        1. oldcoder

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          Could that "closed laptop lid" count as S&M ?

      5. SouthernLogic

        Re: Ship of Theseus

        Are any women in CA the same after all their upgrades?

        Are the Kardasians?

        1. Toni the terrible

          Re: Ship of Theseus

          Are the Kardasians? - are they what? Laptops?

    2. Haku

      Re: OK Computer

      I've got an old Epson HX-20 kicking around somewhere in its case, from 1980, known as the first laptop computer, with a built-in miniature tape recorder & printer!

      In another box there's some Psion Organiser II's from the mid 80s.

      Plus other old computer tech I've forgotten I own.

      I'm not a hoarder, I'm an old junk tech collector....who collects old junk tech ;)

    3. wayne 8

      Re: OK Computer

      I've already brought up the 18+ rule and the date of manufacture of a sex bot on another forum.

      Sticky issue.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Alert

        Re: OK Computer

        Sticky issue.

        Ewww.... use soap and water please.

        1. Blake St. Claire

          Re: OK Computer

          >>Sticky issue.

          >Ewww.... use soap and water please.

          Bleach.

        2. Tronald Dump

          Re: OK Computer

          and that's just the keyboard!

      2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

        Re: OK Computer

        I've already brought up the 18+ rule and the date of manufacture of a sex bot on another forum.

        Sticky issue.

        Yes, old plastic and foam doesn't age gracefully :)

        1. Stuart Castle

          Re: OK Computer

          Re: "Yes, old plastic and foam doesn't age gracefully :)"

          The scary thing is that I read that immediately after reading the words "The Kardashians" and context wise, it seemed to follow on.

          1. Eddy Ito Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: OK Computer

            Justice of the Peach: "Cortana, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

            Cortana: "I'm sorry. Something went wrong. Try your search again."

            The one with a pit in the pocket.

      3. razorfishsl

        Re: OK Computer

        Don't be silly......

        Since using a dildo would be classed as sexual abuse of a minor.

    4. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      Re: OK Computer

      Why didn't Microsoft and Intel consent 2 years ago? Don't they approve of you?

    5. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: OK Computer

      I have a Compaq 286 luggable from 1986. A large chassis, but capable of taking two 5-and-a-quarter inchers at the same time.

  2. BongoJoe
    WTF?

    So if he had married the laptop and in the next Windows 10 update the thing died with a BSOD would Microsoft be up for a murder rap?

    Or would the doting husband to be be now unable to remove bits of the machine's hardware because that would be harvesting organs?

    All stuff that those crazee Utans need to tell us, I am sure.

    1. DNTP

      Legally marrying anything running WIn10 automatically counts as an abusive relationship in any civilized court and if you are in that situation I can nonjudgementally give you a few phone numbers where you can get help.

    2. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Marry a laptop?

    Dude must have been homeschooled...

    My god! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film.

    1. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: Marry a laptop?

      No he is say the same sex marriage is wrong and absurd , that we must abide be his definition of marriage. In his mind letting gays get married is destruction of marriage (like he has the rights to that word). So in his mind if two guys can get hitched why can't marry my dog, my gun my computer. Wait on second though I would not mind if he married a shot gun and tried to consummate that marriage .

      .

      1. Suricou Raven

        Re: Marry a laptop?

        People made exactly the same argument back when the issue was interracial marriage. If the government can't regulate who is allowed to marry who, then how can it legally stop someone marrying their horse?

        1. h4rm0ny

          Re: Marry a laptop?

          >>"People made exactly the same argument back when the issue was interracial marriage. If the government can't regulate who is allowed to marry who, then how can it legally stop someone marrying their horse?"

          Where did this odd idea that marriage is about love come from? I thought it was all about ensuring proper inheritance and obligation to look after children. Interracial couples can have children. People and laptops (and horses) cannot. Gay couples sort of cannot but there are both adoptive and technological alternatives depending.

          1. Suricou Raven

            Re: Marry a laptop?

            Marriage has served many purposes. Which purposes these are has varied throughout history. There are certainly many couples who married without love in order to secure alliances between powerful families, but there are also people who gave up much of their wealth and status to marry someone beneath their class whome they loved. Even the occasional royal marrying a commoner.

            The importance for child-rearing is somewhat lessened today by the availability of contraception. It is no longer an inevitability that every sexually-active heterosexual couple will produce children, as used to be the case, so there is no longer that need to force them into a long-term legal union to make sure they would have no choice but to combine resources to care for those children.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Marry a laptop?

              "Marriage has served many purposes. Which purposes these are has varied throughout history. There are certainly many couples who married without love in order to secure alliances between powerful families, but there are also people who gave up much of their wealth and status to marry someone beneath their class whome they loved. Even the occasional royal marrying a commoner."

              It's only recently that marrying for love was something a large fraction of the population did. Increased mobility and telecommunications have radically increased the ability to connect with other people, which has made it much easier to "find love".

          2. Nolveys Silver badge
            Gimp

            Re: Marry a laptop?

            @h4rm0ny

            Where did this odd idea that marriage is about love come from?

            "Baby, this love is so good! We've got to get the government in on this!" (apologies to Doug Stanhope)

        2. Eddy Ito Silver badge

          Re: Marry a laptop?

          Why would anyone want to stop someone from marrying their horse? They're happy, assuming the horse has consented to the union, and it comes with the benefit of potentially removing them from the gene pool so we're all a little better off, aren't we?

          1. Roj Blake Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Why would anyone want to stop someone from marrying their horse?

            Consent might be an issue...

            Vicar: Do you take this man as your husband?

            Horse: Neigh

      2. TitterYeNot
        Coat

        Re: Marry a laptop?

        " In his mind letting gays get married is destruction of marriage (like he has the rights to that word). So in his mind if two guys can get hitched why can't marry my dog, my gun my computer."

        I think we're misjudging this guy here. From the article:-

        "This is Sevier's third bite at the Apple, so to speak – or fourth if you count his 2015 lawsuit against Apple for his porn addiction"

        So he's not on a crusade against gay marriage, he just wants to marry his laptop so that all the sex will stop...

        1. Androgynous Cow Herd

          Re: Marry a laptop?

          Thanks so much for that hearty laugh.

        2. Tom 7 Silver badge

          Re: Marry a laptop?

          Does the sex stop? It may go down on him.

      3. h4rm0ny

        Re: Marry a laptop?

        They should call his bluff and make him marry it. I'd enjoy seeing the consequences when he had to get a divorce because he actually wanted to marry a real person later, and the laptop got half of his stuff.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    15 years old.

    How can it consummate the marriage with a 3 and half inch floppy disk?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Try a 10 inch floppy.

      We had much bigger ones in the old days.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Coat

        Bigger is not always better

        Well, the 8 (not 10) inch floppy would still be, well, floppy; that 3.5 inch one is much stiffer.

        Maybe he should fit his laptop with one of those JizJaz drives.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Should this ever come to pass, please don't tell us if he ever gets to consummate the marriage and the port he used ...

    EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      It's Utah, he be using the Mormon parallel port. Ah yeah!

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        It's Utah, he be using the Mormon parallel port.

        If he marries a succession of laptops, would that make him a serial port monogamist?

        1. theworm123

          No because a monogamist only sleeps with one laptop.

        2. Oh Homer
          Coat

          Re: "serial port monogamist"

          Good job he doesn't interface with the thunderbolt port, or he'd have a heart attack.

          1. Suricou Raven

            Re: "serial port monogamist"

            I hope he manages to get it into the cooling vents. And that it has a nice fast fan.

            1. LaeMing Silver badge

              Re: "serial port monogamist"

              I hope one isn't firewire and the other USB!

              -> Irreconcilable differences!

    2. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      But he'll be pleased because it'll be a female port

  6. Mephistro Silver badge
    Devil

    Fifteen years?

    That makes marrying a sheep* impossible! It's outrageous!

    *: An alive one, at least.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Fifteen years?

      Many of the Boyos that fancy sheep prefer them as mistresses.

      If her indoors has a headache they have backup!

  7. harmjschoonhoven
    Happy

    18+ years old

    Many years ago I got involved in negotiations about purchasing an aging DEC PDP-11. The female computer engineer how was in charge of the beast was almost up in tears. And if we 'd asked her if she had wanted to marry it, she probably would have said Yes.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: 18+ years old

      Well, at least you can't fault her taste in partners.

    2. wayne 8

      Re: 18+ years old

      I slept with a PDP-11/04 back in 1979. NYC was pretty crazy.

      The PDP (RT11) was busy printing a massive General Ledger on greenbar fanfold paper. When the printing stopped I would wake up and see what it needed. Another box paper or something more serious. Then back to sleep.

      Earlier in the evening I would start a job then walk over to Times Square to grab a liter of German beer. Finish that off and go back in time to start the next step.

      I also developed the Financial software that was producing the reports.

      I was a DevOP before there were DevOps with a side of BOFH.

      1. LaeMing Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: 18+ years old

        Oh yeah baby. Put that paper into me again. All the way like that! Yeah Yeah, you dirty stud you.

  8. Oldfogey

    Some breeds can live up to 20 years - so don't give up hope

  9. ma1010 Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Idiots

    There really should be a law forcing idiots who file this sort of "lawsuit" to pay for the all the time they waste. How much time has the AG and staff wasted on this? How much court time will this silliness consume?

    I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to file frivolous lawsuits, just that they should have to pay for their hobby, full compensation for the time they use up. Otherwise, the taxpayers foot the bill, and government already wastes far too much.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Holmes

      Just like the other idiots

      Who argue we should have laws making people pay the defendants' costs for frivolous lawsuits. Even though we have long had laws making people pay the defendants' costs for frivolous lawsuits.

  10. The Wild Tomcat

    Social trolls should be treated like patent trolls should be.

    1. SuccessCase

      There is quite a bit wrong with that statement, where to begin:

      1. You don't have to agree with the motives of these people to agree it is good they have the right to try to clarify law through a court of law and to want to uphold their right to clarify the law through the law.

      2. Who is the arbiter of "social trolling" versus simply a different opinion? Having a society where there is social trolling, is certainly better than having a society where social trolling is disallowed. What kind of mechanisms would allow that and how could they look any different from despotism? The only answer I suggest is that you would devise a system of law that would end up looking very similar to the system that has given rise to this story.

      3. They will lose their case, thereby the law will underline and protect legislation for gay marriage. That seems to me to be a good outcome and a good example of the law working well and in the interests of society and the intent of the legislation that has been passed.

      4. There will have been demonstration everyone has recourse to the law but that these people have wasted their money simply through being idiots.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        >2. Who is the arbiter of "social trolling" versus simply a different opinion?<

        Currently, it seems to be the rabid left/feminazi/green/homosexual/globalist/humanrights Theocracy Cabal of Evil..

        >Having a society where there is social trolling, is certainly better than having a society where social trolling is disallowed.<

        Yes, it's a safety valve.

        >What kind of mechanisms would allow that and how could they look any different from despotism<

        There are no difference!

  11. Richard 30
    FAIL

    This is not arguing in the alternative (which is presenting one or more parallel lines of argument, each serving as a fall back to the main argument). This is reductio ad absurdam.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Marrying a laptop is silly but...

    I'm honestly surprised their have been no serious attempts to marry a corporation. Persons in the eyes of the law, right? I don't see why it wouldn't work.

    1. Barry Rueger Silver badge

      Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

      Given how individuals are treated by corporate "persons," I'm sure that the latter would respond, "Married? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

        Could be an interesting way of getting around the monopolies+mergers rules - have the corporations just marry

        1. Esme

          Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

          If corporations are legally persons, I wanna sue some past employers for their abusive behaviour towards me!

      2. h4rm0ny
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

        >>"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

        ...Choclate milk?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

      Many people have tried to marry corporations. Some have succeeded for a brief time period.

    3. oiseau Silver badge
      WTF?

      Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

      "I'm honestly surprised their have been no serious attempts to marry a corporation. Persons in the eyes of the law, right?"

      Any moment now ...

      After all, it's the US: you can actually apply for a patent of round corners and file a suit in a small claims court to recover $17.31 in expenses for a date gone awry.

      It's just a matter of time.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

        "After all, it's the US: you can actually apply for a patent of round corners and file a suit in a small claims court to recover $17.31 in expenses for a date gone awry"

        Seriously? Next you'll be saying they have a president who makes up fake terrorist incidents at Bowling Greens and in Sweden, and when a real one comes along he spouts unhelpful, out of context stuff about the city's mayor?

        It could never happen ....

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

          And didn't!

          You are an example of the rabids!!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Marrying a laptop is silly but...

        the Useless States of Advertising:

        Where Bonkers Means Business!

  13. FlamingDeath Bronze badge

    It takes two to tango

    Does the laptop get a say in all of this?

    1. Elmer Phud

      Re: It takes two to tango

      O.K. Google . . .

    2. h4rm0ny

      Re: It takes two to tango

      I'm tempted to ask my phone "Cortana, will you marry me?" just to see what it says, but imagining it in my search history is just too mortifying.

      1. katrinab Silver badge

        Re: It takes two to tango

        Siri says "I sure have received a lot of marriage proposals recently"

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is this the same Chris Sevier whose license to practice law was revoked due to mental health issues? Or the same Chris Sevier who has had several restraining orders placed against him for stalking and harassment? Or the same Chris Sevier who had a warrant for his arrest due to failing to pay child support and violating restraining orders? Or the same Chris Sevier convicted of assault?

    I'm not sure his laptop would want to marry him...

  15. Elmer Phud

    Laptop dancing

    I have a couple of old lappies here, they may have met this man already as they are well fucked.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So what if I were running Damn Small Linux (2008) on my 80486 (1989)?

    :)

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ive been inside...

    A lot of other peoples laptops. Does that make me some sort of deviant?

    1. oiseau Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Ive been inside...

      "Does that make me some sort of deviant?"

      No ...

      Depending on what 'a lot' means, maybe just overly promiscuous.

      Have a good week-end.

    2. katrinab Silver badge

      Re: Ive been inside...

      No, just a doctor/surgeon.

    3. uncommon_sense

      Re: Ive been inside...

      >Ive been inside...

      A lot of other peoples laptops. Does that make me some sort of deviant?<

      No, just a masochist or PFY...

  18. jobi1

    I would rather marry my bed. We sleep together every night...

    1. h4rm0ny

      I had a bunk bed, once. It worked for us.

      1. LaeMing Silver badge

        Did you prefer on top or on the bottom?

  19. ee_cc
    Thumb Down

    Jr forum troll

    This lawyer trying to pull off a False Dilemma fallacy isn't that entertaining. I've seen more subtle and elegant attempts on good ol' usenet.

    Try harder.

    1. James O'Shea Silver badge

      Re: Jr forum troll

      "This lawyer trying to pull off a False Dilemma fallacy isn't that entertaining. I've seen more subtle and elegant attempts on good ol' usenet."

      There is a... gentleman... who has posted 'OT: Same-Sex Marriage in the Light of Reason' on talk.origins last week. Apparently it's an effort to show that allowing same-sex marriage will inevitably lead to incest. In particular, according to the... gentleman, who is a math prof at the University of South Carolina if his sig line is to be believed, same-sex marriage will inevitably lead to gay incest involving elderly parents and their children-turned-caregivers.

      I swear that I'm not making this up. Google Groups is your friend for those who want to see all 49 (as of the time I post this) replies in that thread.

      name redacted 'cause otherwise El Reg's mods would kill this post.

  20. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Badly written law?

    Sounds like the marriage laws were badly written - possibly they got some of the Westminster legal drafters involved.

    If a law on marriage doesn't start by saying something very like "marriage is a contract between two consenting, adult individual persons..." then it's badly drafted. That then simply excludes a) children (a problem in some states), b) corporations c) things d) animals and e) football teams or other groups of people. If you want to allow polygamy and polyandry then drop the 'two', but that does introduce some interesting complications for who gets a 'widows' pension!

    1. Suricou Raven

      Re: Badly written law?

      Marriage is defined as much by precedent as by legislation. It's part of common law. Legislation tends not to define what marriage is so much as what marriage isn't.

    2. Toni the terrible

      Re: Badly written law?

      Add 'human' in there somewhere to keep out the corporations

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    With a gun to my head...

    I'd marry the Mac - low maintenance, chic, cool-to-the-touch, doesn't fall ill often, is more amenable to letting you tinker under the hood, trendy, and is likely to be more succesful in facilitating the daily practicalities of a dual-income household :D

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WOT?

    Is this bloke just insane and intent on making lawyers richer, or is he filing these cases on his own, wasting time and money, instead of taking his meds, as prescribed?

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: WOT?

      As the story says, he is doing it to attack gay marriage.

      As when the Great British Buffoon (TM) said that "they" would be allowing you to marry dogs next

  23. MelmIT

    Flying with your laptop

    I am sorry sir you will have to stow your "wife" in the cargo hold.

    1. BongoJoe
      Coat

      Re: Flying with your laptop

      Which is slightly better than having to 'turn on' your wife for the amusement of the border official.

  24. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    Admittedly, a laptop would be a better date than some I've had....

    Just sayin'

    1. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: Admittedly, a laptop would be a better date than some I've had....

      you've never dated a sony laptop then.

  25. Mage Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Inspirion 7500

    I'll sell it to highest bidder. It's an adult next year in January.

  26. Amazing Laptop

    I hope he does (not) catch a VIRUS...

  27. the Jim bloke Silver badge

    If its a Win 10 laptop

    Then he's going to be the one wearing the wedding dress

  28. Chronos Silver badge

    Let him.

    Then infect his laptop with a trojan that makes it file for a divorce. It owns half of his worldly possession at that point. Stupid needs to have real world consequences, I think.

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wait, it's April 1st already!?

  30. SouthernLogic

    It is sad that any government is in the marriage business anyway. There is no need for it.

  31. scrubber

    ...is the only logical outcome.

    Actually, the only logical outcome is for the state to get out of the marriage business. Be careful what you wish for.

  32. chribo

    HAL 9000 ready to get married

    HAL 9000 (cf. 2001: A Space Odyssey) is obviously legally fit to marry in UT according to the definition given by the Attorney General. It has been installed 1992 and is able to consent or - as seen in the documentary by Stanley Kubrick - refuse content.

  33. Chairman of the Bored Silver badge

    Running Vista felt like my marriage...

    Let's see...

    ...constantly asking me stupid questions that just serve to slow me down and piss me off

    ...crashing continually, throwing messages that have no correlation with the 'real problem' whatsoever

    ...continual bloating

    ...no matter how big a hard drive I threw in it, just not enough

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    wtf?

    Instead of marrying his computer, he should marry his therapist. At least then he can get some free help. Seriously, this reminds me of a mini-goddess episode where the rat was supposed to marry a teapot...

    https://youtu.be/3FRzcPYBzhQ?t=192

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: wtf?

      "he should marry his therapist"

      that's huge no no in the US. If a therapist or shrink dates a client they can lose their license. If they have sex it can be rape.

  35. hi_robb

    Hmm

    What does the guy call his laptop?

    Adele?

  36. Alan Ferris
    Coat

    Buggered

    There goes his on-line porn viewing... unless he's a two-timer...

  37. Alan Ferris
    Coat

    Buggered

    There goes his on-line porn viewing ... unless he's a two-timer

  38. hatti

    Consumating the marriage

    Not tonight, I have updates to install

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