back to article What augmented reality was created for: An ugly drink with a balloon

Dabbs (Mrs) and I are in bed. She is shaking my shoulder to wake me up. “Not again,” I groan. “I’ve done it three times already.” Disappointed, she slips out from under the duvet, dons a dressing gown and heads off by herself to locate the source of “the noise downstairs”. Hearing bumps and creaks during the hours of …

  1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

    Oh God

    Now I have realised I am wearing a checked shirt. But, at least, no square beard. And that thing in my pocket isn't an iPhone.

    Even so it could be a slippery slope.

    Fortunately I'm alcohol intolerant so no risk of cocktails.

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Oh God

      Regrettably I am also alcohol intolerant. I tolerate it so little that it never stays in the glass for very long.

      1. Dwarf Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Oh God

        Regrettably I am also alcohol intolerant. I tolerate it so little that it never stays in the glass for very long.

        Look on the bright side, it could be worse. You could get one of those male only medical complaints such as Beer Bulimia, which only ever seems to come after 20 pints !

        The only other one is obviously Man Flu - which has the awful medical details here

        Coat icon - because its got the wallet in it for the next round, or the pack of industrial strength man flu tablets in the pocket.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge
    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Oh God

      Don't worry, it's a cumulative AND rather than an OR. You need to be wearing a check shirt AND sport a squared-off beard AND have pockets stuffed with plenty of spare investor capital. It's otherwise known as the Hipster Perfect Storm.

    3. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Oh God

      Up until a few decades ago, there was mixed drink called a "Horse's Neck"... non-alcoholic and those around you were seldom the wiser. It was great to attend a "business meetings" and while everyone else got passing out drunk, you could remain sober. It was a favorite of old-time sales types. Get the client tanked while remaining unaffected. At the proper moment, get the "client" to sign the contract.

      1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: Oh God

        "It was great to attend a "business meetings" and while everyone else got passing out drunk, you could remain sober"

        Hmm, I must have slipped into some alternate reality

  2. John Mangan

    My first visceral disagreement with Mr. Dabbs

    "Admit it, you’ll do anything to avoid being left alone at home."

    Quite, quite the opposite. And choosing shopping as an alternative!? Quelle horreur!

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: My first visceral disagreement with Mr. Dabbs

      indeed! When Mrs. Kiddingme is away, I can turn up telly as loud as I want. Watching sports while she's away is better as well. I can use the Pause and Instant Replay function on my Tivo as much as I like without hearing snorts of annoyance from the other end of the sofa. When she's away I can perform chores and projects from the Honey-Do list as I see fit, without all the "helpful" input/advice. Definitely NOTHING wrong with occasionally being left alone at home

      1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: occasionally being left alone at home

        "Definitely NOTHING wrong with occasionally being left alone at home"

        Indeed, It fact Mrs Jeltz insists on separate domiciles in order to facilitate the philosphy.

        ...or maybe she dosent like my poetry

      2. Lars Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: My first visceral disagreement with Mr. Dabbs

        "NOTHING wrong with occasionally being left alone at home".

        Women have exactly the same feeling/demand, and now I cannot remember who that cleaver man was who said - "leave your woman often but never for too long". Did he base this wisdom on his own experience or his friend's experience and what about the "too long".

        PS. that first pic, what happened to them, hotel something?

    2. Amorous Cowherder

      Re: My first visceral disagreement with Mr. Dabbs

      Ditto! My Saturday afternoon/evening when everyone goes to my sister-in-law's, who I love dearly as it happens, for dinner. The stomping and stropping of my teenage daughter taking 2 hours to get ready, my wife making sure I've done all the tasks for the weekend all happen at midday Saturday. Then around 3pm silence settles upon the house and I have 6-7 hours of bliss to enjoy. I reserve that time for such private things as...

      * Digging out my copy of The Rocky Horror Show and singing along ( quite a sight to witness I'm sure, a 45 year old heavy metal fan in his Megadeth shirt singing "The Time Warp"! )

      * Tending to my chilli plants ( usually talking to them! )

      * Digging out some utterly naff sci-fi movie ( watched "Colossus" the other day for the first time in ages, very prophetic! )

      * Cooking a stinking hot curry using the aforementioned home-grown chillis.

      * Grabbing a huge bag of Doritos, a packet of Oreos and/or a bar of Caramel Dairy Milk and fininshing the whole lot in 45 mins, washed down by a couple of ice cold Newkie Browns. Then doing any of the above.

      Sorry, but that precious Saturday afternoon is just one of many reasons our marriage is still very much alive and kicking! Long may I be forever in my sister-in-law's debt for organising it.

  3. frank ly Silver badge

    practical consideration

    "... preferred to send their own children downstairs ..."

    They can move fast and low. With a short, sharpened iron bar they're ideally placed to break shins or stab delicate areas. If they get carried away and use lethal force then they can't be prosecuted (if they're young enough).

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      "With a short, sharpened iron bar "

      You mean a screwdriver?

      1. Scroticus Canis
        Trollface

        Re: "With a short, sharpened iron bar "

        Bugger the screwdriver; a short crowbar works much better as a shin cracker.

    2. annodomini2

      Re: practical consideration

      Slashing Achilles, we have a history in the UK, look it up

    3. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Re: practical consideration

      "... preferred to send their own children downstairs ..."

      You never know. There was a running gag in my previous job that my children are trained to enter the Hunger games and win them (*). So they may actually enjoy the experience (the intruder will not). They will definitely perform better than me too - I am getting slow proportionally to my beard going white.

      Each of them does 2+ martial arts, at least one "force" sport like Water Polo and have been able to do half of an adult Triathlon since the age of 8. It has been many years since anyone has even considered the idea to lay a finger on them in school.

    4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: practical consideration

      ... preferred to send their own children downstairs ...

      Not having sprogged, I leave such things to the dog. If he can be bothered. If not, then one of the Feral Attack Kitties(TM)[1] could conceivably stir themselves from their luxury slumber to go and see.

      Then again, maybe not.

      [1] Mostly, the subject of their attacks is a bowl of cat kibble or hideously-expensive[2] cat pouch food.

      [2] They get whatever is on special at $CURRENT_SUPERMARKET. Except the really cheap stuff - even the dog won't eat it. Which, considering some of the things he *does* eat, is pretty damning.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: practical consideration

        If not, then one of the Feral Attack Kitties

        My mom's previous cat(*) in her younger days was immediately on the wardrobe next to the entrance the moment she heard a noise outside. An attempt to enter without approval would have resulted in half of the skin on your head, neck and back missing and/or nicely punctuated by 16 sharp razorblades and/or a set of 30 small daggers.

        It reached a point where my mom has learned to intercept her in-flight without even looking.

        *) Female Siamese.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: practical consideration

          "[...] nicely punctuated by 16 sharp razorblades and/or a set of 30 small daggers."

          My friends' children were taken to the local cat shelter to choose one as a pet. They picked the one that was clinging upside down to the cage roof.

          Needless to say it turned out to be a crazed megalomaniac. It would roll on its back inviting a tummy tickle - and then pounce on your fingers with tooth and claw. The other cats in the neighbourhood soon learned to cede territory.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: practical consideration

        "Except the really cheap stuff - even the dog won't eat it."

        The local food bank had a "meet the public" day in our local supermarket. A good opportunity to ask them questions about what food is best to be donated.

        My concern was over buying cheap tins of "stewed steak" from a discount store. They said they had no problems - except with a certain major supermarket's own brand of instant coffee which was considered undrinkable.

        1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

          Re: own brand coffe

          except with a certain major supermarket's own brand of instant coffee which was considered undrinkable.

          Im not fussy. I generally manage my budget by assuming that id I get the shittest (or oldest) example of anything it will be value for money -or i can fix it up.

          The system works.

          (oh , except coca cola)

          The couch donated to me is just as good as the new £800 pound one that replaced it at a friends house.

          Beer is a good example too Lidls "Excelsior" lager tastes tha same as the poshest 'Pironi' to me

          So I'm used to own brands , and have never had a problem.

          Until last month.

          Morrisons Coffee

          To paraphrase Red Dwarf's Lister:

          " A great coffee , I mean a truly world class coffee, should not leave you with foam moustache you have to remove with turps"

  4. chivo243 Silver badge
    Mushroom

    it’s the women of the house who do the checking??

    Waking the Mrs...?? Anybody have any extra C4?

    Self explanatory icon...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: it’s the women of the house who do the checking??

      Don't need C4 to wake my Mrs. ... - she sleeps though f'in everything except me very slightly interfering with her night clothes ...

  5. LesB
    Thumb Up

    Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

    Ahhhh, nostalgia!

    1. Novex

      Re: Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

      I knew I recognized that picture from somewhere...

      :D

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

      Indeed I thought the same and a quick right click confirmed it...

    3. Zog_but_not_the_first Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

      That was going to be my post too. Tempus bloody fugit.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Coat

        Tempus bloody fugit.

        Tempus Fuckit: Roman for 'Damn, is it that late already?'

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

      I thought it was a young Dabbsy before the marriage chains were installed. :-)

      (God, yes LLL was sooooo long ago now!! Anyone up for nostalgic trip to The Brown Derby? See icon)

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: Is that Leisure Suit Larry in the header pic?

        Didn't recognise it at first because the picture is in colour... played Larry on a 80286 with a Hercules monochrome display way back when.

  6. Sparkypatrick

    Why won't you serve me?

    I've got the right change and everything.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Why won't you serve me?

      A long time ago in a garden far away, I shared a house with three mates, we decided to have a party one weekend in the garden.

      We stuck a bloody great tarp up over the lawn tied to a couple of trees and one of my mates who was a friend of Splodge invited them to come and play under the tarp along with other friends of ours with a musical bent. The party was great, dozens of gate crashers as well as our friends. Splodgness were playing when the local bobby turned up ( a relative of one of the tenants), he said 'can you ask them to turn it down a bit, only we are getting complaints about the rock concert from a couple of miles away!'

  7. Dr_N Silver badge

    Snakebite 'n' black...

    Is there an AR app that generates images of you after consuming such beverages?

    (Lying in a pool of your own purple vomit, for example?)

    1. Morten_T
      Happy

      Re: Snakebite 'n' black...

      Thanks you just reminded me of this one:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKMQKgSnGy8

      Green, not purple though :)

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A woman friend used to rope me in to go shopping expeditions with her - and to carry the bags.

    On one occasion she was buying shirts for her husband - as he would never go shopping. She asked for the appropriate size. The assistant looked at me, bags in hand, and made some remark about that not seeming right. "Oh - he's not my husband".

    1. macjules Silver badge

      For a second I saw that as "A woman friend used to grope me in to go shopping expeditions with her "

      1. DougS Silver badge
        Trollface

        Groped into it

        Some of us need more persuasion than others to be sucked into the "all day bag carrier" drudgery.

  9. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
    Alert

    Noise in the night?

    Meh - if the dog doesn't move neither will I.

    Luckily Sighthound Xs (aka Lurchers) are well known for their laziness - 30 second sprint followed by 23 hours of sleep.

    The dog going berserk is a hint its time for coffee.

  10. juice Bronze badge

    Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

    So someone I know took great pleasure in ordering drinks to random tables. Much confusion all round. And free beer, so it's not all bad.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

      That's genius. I hadn't thought of that, I thought it would at least be locked down to their WiFi network.

      1. juice Bronze badge

        Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

        The gentleman in question was actually sitting in the pub and observing the results, but it's a good question - I'll have to take a look at the app at some point :)

        1. Richard 12 Silver badge

          Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

          It's very slow. Or rather, the lead time doesn't depend on what you order.

          A colleague ordered a cup of tea that way.

          Half an hour later, a tray was borne to them upon which was a cup of tea, milk and sugar.

          History does not record whether it was still hot.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

            "It's very slow. Or rather, the lead time doesn't depend on what you order."

            I saw similar when I was dragged against my will into a hipster cocktail bar. The App orders seemed to take much longer to arrive at tables I could see than those ordered directly, face to face. There may be a lesson in that.

            1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

              Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

              " than those ordered directly, face to face. "

              Depends on the time / place / staff

              Wetherspoons are absolute masters of making you wait at the bar - it dosent matter how busy or quiet it is they will dynamically adjust the amount of bar staff to ensure a lengthy wait.

              With this in mind , you can use the app *before drinks are actually required* if you suspect a delay may occur

          2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

            Re: Wetherspoons now offer table-service via a phone app...

            "A colleague ordered a cup of tea that way."

            That right there is the problem. Order a sensible drink with less rare parts and assembly required and it may have come more quickly.

            I suspect its down to the motivation of the individual staff / venue though.

            A resounding success when I tried it

  11. toxicdragon
    Pint

    "brandishing a rolled-up copy of Judge Dredd The Megazine"

    My respect for you Mr Dabbs rises. Good choice of reading material.

  12. earl grey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    That's Mr. Pillock to you

    Oh, wait....

  13. Potemkine Silver badge

    "Pillock"

    Thank you Mr. Dabbs, I learn new words each week reading your chronicles ^^

    Admit it, you’ll do anything to avoid being left alone at home.

    On the contrary! I'm one of those, I would rather drink that pint of kool aid rather than going shopping! .. I guess anyone doesn't have a "cave bear" side as developed as I have.

    1. Jack of Shadows Silver badge

      Re: "Pillock"

      Dragon-side here. I much prefer being in my cave, guarding/fondling my treasures, and smoking rather a lot. Not that I'm totally averse to sometime expeditions gathering more treasures, but the modern practice of ordering them online and having them delivered to said cave speaks well to me.

  14. Trilkhai

    Depends on the store

    Admit it, you’ll do anything to avoid being left alone at home.

    Not even close, at least not for most shopping — I'd much rather hang out at home making an idiot of myself singing along to old rock songs and taking advantage of the lack of interruptions to actually get some stuff done. On the other hand, if it's a trip to buy office supplies, books, tech, or to a pet-supply store, count me in.

  15. John H Woods Silver badge

    Cocktails (and Wetherspoons) can be fun ...

    I defiantly [stet] wanted a an espresso martini, the perfect Geek cocktail ... in a Wetherspoons in the Grim North* ...

    "Can I have an espresso martini?"

    "Sorry, we don't sell those. This is our cocktail menu" *points*

    "Ah. OK. Just an espresso please"

    *1 minute later* "One espresso love, anything else?"

    "Can I have a double vodka? How about Grey Goose?"

    "Sure. Anything else?"

    "Any chance of a small Kahlua?"

    "Sure. Will that be everything?"

    "Got any ice?"

    "Yep, help yourself from that bucket. Anything else I can help you with, love?"

    "Yeah ... Can I borrow your cocktail shaker?"

    In the end she offered to shake it for me but I told her I was happy just to get the drink. I got my karmic comeuppance for being a smartarse when, some ten minutes later, my not-quite finished glass was swiped from the table by a member of staff desultorily clearing glasses whilst studiously avoiding eye-contact.

    *I'm allowed to say that, I'm sort-of from Middlesbrough

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nothing new here, move along.

    Cocktails become interactive art

    Isn't that why they invented absinthe?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have found a great way to avoid the problem of noises in the night: A Sun server in the closet next to the bedroom. The nice soothing white noise will drown out almost everything except the helicopter ambulance or a swarm of Hell's Angels (both are common problems here).

    I have measured the (nice soothing white) noise output at 92dB. And power consumption is a mere 200W. I am assured that Dell and HP make noisy beasts too, but AFAICT, you can't get that much noise from such a low power from any other brand!

    And, as a bonus, it serves as a NAS and a Samba server with added MediaTomb.

    Disclaimer: I have plenty of experience of sleeping next to British Rail 5,000HP locos.

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