back to article Face down in a Shoreditch gutter: Attack of the kickstarting hipster

I have taken it all off. Would you like to join me? Loosen those straps and let it all slip onto the floor. You might feel naked and not a little bit exposed but no one is watching, I assure you. No really, now that you have removed your wearable tech, this will be the first time for ages that your every move is not being …

  1. ArrZarr Silver badge
    Joke

    Restart buttons?

    Oh it could be so much better than just trying to reach the restart buttons. Imagine what happens when malware bricks your prosthetic memory drive and you can no longer remember people's birthdays etc.

    1. John G Imrie
      Coat

      Re: Restart buttons?

      I don't need technology to forget peoples birthdays I can do that on my own.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dabsy's strap-on

    So what does climbing stairs in primark underpants, wearing 17 strap-ons sound like?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Dabsy's strap-on

      Hysterical laughter, echoing from the hallways...

    2. Chemical Bob
      Coat

      Re: Dabsy's strap-on

      Sounds like Dabbsy's almost made it up the stairs...

  3. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Strap-ons?

    " I would be wearing 17 mutually incompatible strap-ons. "

    Time for the mind-bleach...

  4. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Starcrash - now that looks like a great movie - did they every do a follow up?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      No, but since Hollywood has vowed to never make an original film ever again, I'm sure they'll be a remake along shortly.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Starcrash - now that looks like a great movie - did they every do a follow up?

      Just looking on IMDB for the original - this was listed - "Escape from Galaxy 3" AKA Starcrash 2

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0175663/?ref_=fn_al_tt_3

      Not heard of either film, so can't comment on IMDB's accuracy!

      1. Youngone Silver badge

        Seriously A/C, you have to stop directing me to weird IMDB movies reviews because I wind up getting lost and reading reviews of a movie called YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE.

        No, really.

  5. Fink-Nottle

    > poked himself to death trying to locate 17 subcutanous restart buttons.

    Is that what they mean by tapping Trump Tower?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bit risky sneaking in an ELP reference, but you may just have got away with it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      > you may just have got away with it.

      Lucky Man

  7. Adrian 4 Silver badge
    Trollface

    Hushme

    I think that Hushme looks great.

    Should be compulsory for all the phone users in the office.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hushme

      I suspect handing out some proper gags and explaining it as a test for the next 50 Shades of Whatever is going to be more effective, less costly and actually more interesting.

      Or duct tape. Never forget duct tape.

      1. imanidiot Silver badge

        Re: Hushme

        Duct tape actually makes for a terrible gag. It's pretty much impossible to silence someone in such a way they won't be able to work it loose in short order.

        1. Cuddles Silver badge

          Re: Hushme

          "Duct tape actually makes for a terrible gag. It's pretty much impossible to silence someone in such a way they won't be able to work it loose in short order."

          That just means you're not using enough duck tape.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Hushme

          Duct tape actually makes for a terrible gag. It's pretty much impossible to silence someone in such a way they won't be able to work it loose in short order.

          I bow to your superior expertise (or inferior brand of duct tape). May I enquire as to its origin, or would that get the police involved?

          :)

          1. imanidiot Silver badge
            Trollface

            Re: Hushme

            @AC, lets just say all parties involved were consenting adults ;)

        3. Richard 12 Silver badge

          Duct tape works perfectly

          As long as they have a beard.

          Unfortunately it only works once, as the second time they don't have a beard.

  8. Doctor_Wibble
    Trollface

    Chop them off right away

    Using your l33t h4xx0r*.

    .

    .

    * +/- extra bonus points for punnage or possibly pwnage

  9. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Cut it out

    Implants... always a bit of a bother when the next recall notice is issued...

  10. Ben Bonsall

    Don't you need to press and hold the restart button by inserting a stylus into a convenient orifice for thirty seconds and pressing the stud behind your ear? (or is that just for DracoCorp augs?)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      The right process - and no, not just for DracoCorp

      but you forgot you may need gloves to pick up the micro SIM style card that pops back out :)

      If you push too hard you will need a friend to retrieve it from even darker recesses that you pushed it into, possibly with pliers.

      I am also unhappy with surgical upgrade cycles of software and hardware. This does not sound like a good idea. although possibly better than imagining Alistair wearing 18 strap ons...

      1. Ben Bonsall

        Re: The right process - and no, not just for DracoCorp

        I'd forgotten about the sim. The requirement for surgery and/or a trusted friend would be a serious impediment to switching provider...

      2. Phukov Andigh Bronze badge

        Re: The right process - and no, not just for DracoCorp

        Another Neal Asher fan? :)

    2. Phukov Andigh Bronze badge

      no worries about DracoCorp

      I denied The Gift and told the proctors to go pound squirm :)

  11. Mage Silver badge
    Pirate

    Yikes

    "anti-ageing cream that is so effective"

    E45 and other creams (many prescribed)) investigated by BBC and report on R4 and 5Live Extra. I was listening to the horror stories just before lunch. They are causing many deaths a year as they are too flammable. People have died from lighting a fag. Or burnt to death in bed, because the bedding is contaminated.

    So there are worse things than wearables. I saw a photo and review of the Hushme on a UK paper website, I think it might be a great present for some press secretaries. Perhaps with a tube of super glue packaged as "anti-ageing" cream

    1. Korev Silver badge

      Re: Yikes

      We tried to set fire to some of my E45 on a Scout camp many years ago and never managed it! Any idea what they did?

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Flame

        Re: Yikes

        To answer my own question: A quick google suggests that a smoker died after having some put on him. I guess being teenage boys we were incompetent...

        1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

          Re: Yikes

          In itself creams like E45 are decidely safe when it comes to flinging matches at them. However once the water and other compounds have evaporated or otherwise left, what's left is rather more flammable. It's still very unlikely to be any cause for problems on skin, however when these paraffin oils are rubbed off onto fabrics, which have a large surface area due to the fibres and oxygen gaps in between, the situation is rather different.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Want a hushme...

    ....not for me you understand, but some of the f*wits I share an office with. Do they come with super glue or is that extra?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bionic ear...

    My wife is deaf and has a BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) "installed"*. Looks like a press stud behind her ear, that is screwed into the skull, and the aid is clipped onto it. You have been warned if you Google it....

    Anyway, at the consultation with the surgeon I was given a "look", as I expressed concern about if they were going to change the connector. Why not? Apple do it!

    * Couldn't think of a better way of describing it! Implanted?

  14. martino
    Alien

    At last I can stop running up stairs

    Every time I go up the stairs, I hear lasers being fired at me from behind - I've been living in fear for some months now. The psychotropic drugs have helped a bit, but they have some pretty strong side effects,

    Thanks Dabbsy, a few weeks weaning myself off the meds and I'll be good as new. Though possibly not as fit...

    Alien: cos they're the ones with the most advanced laser guns

  15. Mephistro Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Thank you Alistair

    For the side-splitting article AND for the Emerson, Lake & Palmer video.

    Gosh, I had totally forgot these guys, and they were good!

    1. ArchieTheAlbatross
      Thumb Up

      Re: Thank you Alistair

      Still have the original flexi-single (the song's only release) which came stuck to the front of the NME in 1973!

      How sad.............

  16. TheProf
    Happy

    Caroline Munro

    The only reason to watch Star Crash.

    1. Chemical Bob
      Alien

      Re: Caroline Munro

      Yes, her performance was out of this world. David Hasselhoff also turned in a stellar performance. The inclusion of Marjoe Gortner was sheer lunacy, however. Should have cast Kevin Spacey instead...

  17. tapdo

    tapdo is a button

    Hey Alistair,

    tapdo is basically a button. You can wear it with our wristband but you can also use it as a button clipped on your belt, clipped on your watch band, attached to the wall or lying on the table.

    Kind regards from tapdo

    Markus

  18. BlokeOnMotorway

    "persuading a small fingerprint reader to recognise prints at a variety of ankles"

    These guys are good.

  19. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Flame

    Batteries

    Anyway, who’d be mad enough to have gadgetry surgically installed into their bodies when it is certain to be out of date within six months and wholly obsolete after 18?"

    I'd be more concerned about battery fires!

  20. tr1ck5t3r

    People are so easily sold a narrative, I have to question their intelligence, mind you they will probably buy a strap on AI for intelligence given a chance.

  21. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Coat

    "Surgically implanted digital enhancement"

    You need to go back and watch Johnny Mnemonic again. You know, the documentary on what happens with surgically-implanted digital enhancements ?

    It's not pretty, and you end up needing Keeanu Reeves to save the world. I'll give the whole thing a pass.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hushme the fuck up

    I watched that video and though, no fucking way, who would want that crock of sh....

    Then I realised that I sit in an office with seven other people. We're all often on the phone discussing quite sensitive information, and often it's hard to concentrate when everyone's chattering away.

    This actually, is a pretty good idea for certain office environments. My wife is a lawyer and often deals with high profile, confidential business mergers, etc. She'd look like a fucking idiot, but no chance of being overheard.

    Huh.

    1. Esme

      Re: Hushme the fuck up

      Call me amusingly quaint , if you will, but what about their having individual offices if they deal with sensitive information that others in teh same company musn't hear? It involves having those old-fashioned dividery-things, I believe they were called 'walls' with 'doors' in them to section of bits of the workforce from other bits of the workforce.

  23. Scroticus Canis

    Hive-enabled vaginal steamer

    Dabbsy I do admire you sense of adventure with this one butt.... ouch!

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Not only the lasers

    What gets me is when, supposedly in space, a vehicle is blown up, burning fragments explode in all directions, and then all fall in the same direction because of gravity.

    1. BongoJoe

      Re: Not only the lasers

      In the original Star Wars films, when they used models for everything, they got around this by filming the explosions from underneath the model so it appeared that the debris went evenly in all directions. Or so it appeared.

      Then, of course, their space had sound which to some extent ruined this sterling effort.

  25. viscount

    Okay it is _essential_ to watch the Hushme video just to hear the pronunciation of the work "phone" 20 seconds in. It's got to be a Mitchell and Webb sketch.

  26. BongoJoe

    Back to the seventies

    It's basically an acoustic coupler with an earpiece and lots of nasty bacteria.

    How does one carry this Hannibal Lector mask around? Are they seriously suggesting having it over one's neck?

  27. Alan1kiwi

    Tech madness

    He felt the cold metal close around his wrist and realised he'd made a terrible mistake.

    Why on earth had he bought an Apple Watch?

    Stolen from: http://distractify.com/humor/2016/04/25/shades-of-nerd

  28. agubaba

    The author is wishing for the exact tech as detailed in "The Bequaeathal-Godsent" novel – even including the 'brain salad' reference. Should've posted the link to the book, really:

    /www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00GLX0U0K

    It's a recent British SF work, reading like a treasure trove of ideas on future tech and ai.

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