back to article Zuckerberg thinks he's cyber-Jesus – and publishes a 6,000-word world-saving manifesto

Whatever Mark Zuckerberg's taking, we want some, too. Because last night it looks like the Zuck stayed up late with a couple of university freshmen and solved the world's problems, making sure they wrote it down so they didn't wake up in the morning and forget it. Behold a 6,000-word manifesto from the CEO and cofounder of …

  1. mr. deadlift
    Pint

    meh

    You know what they say, "Those who can't do, teach."

    I feel a bit of that coming out in this article.

    So Zuck's out there doing, doing whatever he wants and writing trailing missives and diatribes.

    Possibly imbibing or taking A class substances while doing so.

    BFD, you use Zuck's "infrastructure" you better believe he's going to be a rational actor in the market and pump that shit up, hype that brand and become even more monolithic.

    I conclude simply by saying this:

    What's freindface and why do i need it?

    happy weekend!

    1. P. Lee Silver badge

      Re: meh

      >What's freindface and why do i need it?

      So that you realise the truth that you need more Cuke in your life.

    2. Rob Gr

      Re: meh

      Scrabble, I'm in!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: meh

      You know what they say, "Those who can't do, teach."

      Or in this case, preach. I guess he got bullied a lot at school, and now his ego is overcompensating.

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge
        FAIL

        Re: meh

        This actually all sounds astonishingly like standard corporate bollocks-speak, such as every senior figure in any large organisation involving IT seems to want to trot out at every opportunity. Every single one of these people are serious, earnest and really do wish to make the world a better place, and every one of them ends up sounding like a hippie high on a particularly successful weed plantation.

        It basically all comes down to corporate grandstanding. Facebook is basically about deceiving people into thinking that they have a higher social status than they actually have. Humans are hard wired to be status-seeking little monkeys, and a system that lets them believe that they have oodles of friends who hang upon their every word is always going to sell on the basis of self-delusion. Facebook isn't going to change the world, but merely brighten it up for a lot of people.

        Self delusion is a powerful motivator. This is why the National Lottery has worked so well at separating idiots from their money; humans are really crap at actually perceiving reality. Zuck is no exception here; he's very, very humans indeed.

        1. Kiwi Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: meh

          Humans are hard wired to be status-seeking little monkeys, and a system that lets them believe that they have oodles of friends who hang upon their every word is always going to sell on the basis of self-delusion.

          So.. What does this say for the silver badge I am oh-so-close to getting (yet still so far away!)?? I thought you all loved me so much!

          But overall.. Have an upvote...

          (---> /me crying in anguish...)

    4. enormous c word

      Re: meh

      This isn't teaching it's preaching. I can't wait for Zuckerbergs first actual miracle where in front of the worlds massed media he actually disappears up his own arsehole on a Live Facebook videostream.

      1. Kiwi Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: meh

        I can't wait for Zuckerbergs first actual miracle...up his own arsehole on a Live Facebook videostream.

        Still won't make farttalk worth visiting1

        (cue cries of "but millions of others do!)

        1 'k so I've gone there a few dozen times to look for someone or look at something someone has really really really begged me to who I haven't felt like telling them to go and do an impression of Zuck disappearing up his own.... I have no idea how many now, but thanks to 10minutemail a significant number of the claimed trillions of "user accounts" are throwaway ones I made for the moment I was there)

    5. William 3 Bronze badge

      Re: meh

      No-one preaches hatred as righteously as a liberal.

      I personally believe Zuckerberg is a whack jab and I refuse to use Facebook.

      What I wouldn't do is cherry pick paragraphs of a 6,000 word article so that I have 1% of everything the Man said, and then use that, completely out of whatever context the other 99% content of his paper, to assassinate his character.

      It's not constructive in the slightest. It's just a rant about someone. If this was in a comment section on any forum it will be removed for being abusive.

      This article doesn't make me hate Zuckerberg, it makes me want to hate the author. Someone please tell him that pointing out the flaws in this way does not make him morally superior, it makes him a prick. No doubt they'll be screaming blue murder how offended they are I called them a prick. But hey. When in Rome.

      Scroll to the top of the page, see that Facebook logo, it's on every single Register article.

      There's a word for it.

      (And you wouldn't believe how many people are unsure of the true meaning of this word)

      Hypocrite.

  2. LDS Silver badge

    Wasn't he the man....

    ... who offered Facebook ads to people hit by an earthquake? And even had some press help him brag about how many $ of ads he graciously offered?

    1. Bloodbeastterror

      Re: Wasn't he the man....

      Well, he could sit in his Malibu mansion and count his wads of money. Or he can make a comment which might just make some sort of difference. Even if it just makes some people think.

      I'm no Z apologist - I loathe FB and despise the imbeciles who willingly sign their lives over to it. But I don't as a kneejerk reaction despise people because of their wealth - despite the plethora of negativity about Bill Gates his philanthropy is indisputable. Maybe Z's trying to justify FB's position in the world - I don't care, as long as his voice is on the right side.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wasn't he the man....

        "I don't care, as long as his voice is on the right side." ... of the mirror.

        In my opinion, this wasn't a acid trip. It was more like one of those weird highs you get from pot. Acid trips on keyboardddds get get get a a littllle ssshakay, youoy thnk youare typingg finne,,'',, bbtutt yourrruae knnot.

        If he was on acid and that "piece" of writing was imaginative to him, then he needs more acid (or there's just no hope for his imagination).

        1. fuzzie

          Re: Wasn't he the man....

          The more I hear or learn about Zuck', the more he appears to be like David Miscavige.

          There's even a passing resemblance (or maybe my eyes are going) if you swap tailored suits for tailored running gear.

          1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge
            Stop

            Re: Wasn't he the man....

            The more I hear or learn about Zuck', the more he appears to be like David Miscavige.

            I don't think he has the actual malice that DM displays. I think the article does a good job of portraying just how totally out of touch Zuck is - he lives in a exceedly-comfortable bubble, insulated by his money and his position and generates infantile an un-nuanced drivel.

            Maybe he needs to try to live on a minimum wage for a while. Or actually interact with people other than people paid to agree with him or other tech CEOs. Maybe he needs a bit of experience of life outside the ivy-league dorm room (or the amplified version called Facebook).

      2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        Re: Wasn't he the man....

        "But I don't as a kneejerk reaction despise people because of their wealth"

        Carnegie set up libraries. He didn't think he had the answers to the world's problems but he thought giving the widest number of people access to education would help.

        I admire Carnegie for his practicality. I now for the first time understand why Facebook - because, as an alpha narcissist who thinks everyone wants to know what he thinks, that would seem to Zuckerberg to be what everybody wants.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Wasn't he the man....

          "I admire Carnegie for his practicality."

          Same here, but it's always worth remembering how he and so many other philanthropists accumulated their wealth. Few of the super rich philanthropists got there by being nice.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Wasn't he the man....

            it's always worth remembering how he and so many other philanthropists accumulated their wealth

            I wish I had more upvotes. Gates is a good example of that - this is the man that got knighted for his ability to legally milk the UK school system by first giving them cheap "education price" licenses and then jack the price up a year later (which was very predictable, but nobody listens to tech people until it's too late), and that's just ONE aspect of how he made money. He even used that philanthropy by making it in many countries conditional on using Microsoft, and the cancer he started is still at it.

            So yes, I expect Zuck too to eventually go the philanthropy route to offset the damage he's done to social interaction, privacy and press. No doubt he too will hope to scrub the Net of all of that.

      3. Avatar of They
        Stop

        Re: Wasn't he the man....

        Its not his money that makes him a tool. Lets be honest he could have paid more than 15 million without breaking sweat and really put his money into something useful for refugees.

        It is the fact he is a tool, that makes him a tool. This just speaks of marketing trying to make facebook something good in the world instead of a wifi chewing black hole of personal data in the name of the almighty dollar.

        Anyone that speaks of freedoms and helping people turn out to vote, and ending up with Trump should really just shut up for a bit. Then again when Trump is in charge every other tool is massively over shadowed and can get away with writing this garbage.

      4. greenawayr

        Re: Wasn't he the man...

        "I loathe FB and despise the imbeciles who willingly sign their lives over to it. But I don't as a kneejerk reaction despise people because of their wealth"

        So you don't hate rich people, but you do hate people create an account on a website???

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Wasn't he the man...

          So you don't hate rich people, but you do hate people create an account on a website???

          Explain to me why I should hate rich people. A brother-in-law of mine earns more than I do, should I hate him now? Some of our customers have more money that I know I will ever make in my life - does that mean I should automatically snarl at them every time they spend some of that on our products? Should I hate their kids too? And at what age?

          I don't care how rich or poor people are - it's what they do that counts.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: you asked....Ledswinger's Guide to Hating the Rich

            Explain to me why I should hate rich people.

            Because they're rich, and the vast majority of rich people haven't got their doing anything socially useful, they've just come up with a scheme that extracts money from the masses, and then keeps a good chunk of it in their own hands. And more important still, straightforward bile-fuelled envy.

            A brother-in-law of mine earns more than I do, should I hate him now?

            Yes. But note that if you overtake him then you will have to stop hating him, whilst he'll need to hate you. This is the proper social order, y'see.

            Some of our customers have more money that I know I will ever make in my life - does that mean I should automatically snarl at them every time they spend some of that on our products?

            Nobody said that. But you do have to hate them in your head and in your heart, spit in their food unseen if you get the chance, or sabotage the product they're buying. FFS they could be Philip Green, Beardy Branson, Smugface Blair. WTF don't you already hate them?

            Should I hate their kids too?

            Yes. Rich kids are universally more revolting and hateable than their parents.

            And at what age?

            Birth to death, unless they either get disinherited with nothing, or inherit and then squander or drink it all away. When they're poor its OK to reconsider.

            1. thomn8r

              Re: you asked....Ledswinger's Guide to Hating the Rich

              Rich kids are universally more revolting and hateable than their parents.

              This is almost universally true, actually.

          2. Zojo

            Re: Wasn't he the man...

            You completely missed the point of that comment. Let me clarify it for you.

            "So you don't hate rich people, but you DO hate people who create an account on Facebook."

            Now do you see the point? Whether or not rich people should be hated is NOT the issue. The issue is, why boast about how you despise people who use faceook? You appear to think this worthy of merit. And you seek to demonstrate your wisdom by contrasting this with how you don't hate rich people, as if there is any link, or the one balances the other. But both are equally irrational and unworthy, and categorise people in an arbitrary way. Despising everyone on facebook is just as ridiculous, and unpleasant, as hating every rich person.

            Hope that clears things up for you.

  3. Bloodbeastterror

    Personally I welcome any attempt by any major world figure (does he not qualify, despite his relative youth?) to improve the world, even if it's only talking and offering ideas. Unfortunately when the world's most powerful people are narcissistic sociopaths it's an uphill struggle, but that's only a reason to welcome any potential ideas, not ridicule them. Ridicule is easy; ideas and actions are hard.

    1. a_yank_lurker Silver badge

      @Bloodbeatsterror - Narcissistic sociopaths have one major flaw - they believe they are always right even if the evidence says they are a complete idiot. Couple this with a refusal to actually learn anything from those whose lives they plan to screw up with imbecilic ideas and plans you have a recipe for disaster roaring through the affected lives. This extreme arrogance causes more harm especially when it is coupled with virtue signalling.

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge
      Thumb Down

      He is not "offering ideas" and nothing in his delusional prose is of any use in the actual world.

      Stop drinking the KoolAid - that is also part of the problem.

    3. Rob Gr

      I admire Bill Gates more, who put hard cash and thought towards realisable goals.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ideas and actions are hard.

      And Zuckerberg offers neither. Wait: I guess trying to take people's property from them (Hawaii) to add to your estate is an action. Is that what he is driving at?

    5. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "Ridicule is easy; ideas and actions are hard."

      Well, if he ever comes up with any actually useful actions, we can reconsider. Until then, we will ridicule his lofty and dangerously naive rhetoric.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Our greatest challenge is ending capitalism, and putting the US globalist regime to the sword.

    1. Bloodbeastterror

      Sorry, I can't resist it. I know I should. This is a glib and thoughtless soundbite with no rational thinking behind it. What's your proposal exactly?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      This

      Yep, without addressing the very thing that is based on the promotion of inequality and war, any talk like this is pointless. Capitalism poisons everything, politics and social relationships. FB is now integral to the perpetuation of this. Humanity is all the worse for it.

      1. Mark 65 Silver badge

        Re: This

        Not sure there's too much wrong with capitalism. The problem is that we actually don't have capitalism. We have oligarchs, monopolists and bought-and-paid-for politicians.

    3. John Savard Silver badge

      Uh, no. Globalism does cause problems, and free enterprise left to itself does lead to inequality. But North Korea, Russia, and radical Islam are much worse things, against which we need a stronger United States to help protect us. Unfortunately, as far as Russia is concerned, under Trump the U.S. is opting out.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        as Russia is concerned, under Trump the U.S. is opting out.

        Ah. So that happened in less than one month under Trump but not the 8 years under Obama? Do the words Crimea, Ukraine, "More flexible" ring a bell?

  5. MNGrrrl
    FAIL

    Bye Felicia

    This is what happens to people that become wealthy later in life, as opposed to inheriting it. The critical difference in the two is when you're inheriting a large amount of wealth you're also inheriting the social connections that go with it, and this has a normalizing effect on your attitudes and beliefs. But when you are Zuckerberg, First Of His Name, you don't have that network... and you're not going to develop it for many years, assuming you even realize its importance.

    Yes, I'm well aware that the man "invented" (gigglesnort) social networking, but as anyone can attest... Facebook is not real life. And if you don't get social development with real people, in the flesh, to help normalize your attitudes and behaviors, you're going to becoming increasingly disconnected and neurotic. This isn't even limited to humans: Separate any social animal from its pack or social grouping, and it'll quickly start exhibiting irrational, even self-destructive, behaviors. And while yes, humans do interact with each other nearly every day, it's the quality of that interaction that matters: Wading through a crowd of strangers or going to the bar isn't developing substantial relationships. If that sounds familiar, it should: It's become the norm for people to have hundreds, if not thousands, of Facebook "friends". Sociologists peg the number of substantial relationships a person can have as around 250. Facebook is the social equivalent of junk food... it's unhealthy in more than small doses. If you try to live on it for all your social interaction... I hope someone hands you a mirror so you can bend over and properly kiss your ass goodbye.

    Zuckerberg has fallen into a very well-prepared trap of his own making, and this is the outcome of it. He'll continue to become more eccentric with increasingly warped ideas about how the world is, due to a lack of significant social interaction with his peers. It's happened many, many times to wealthy people. Look at people who win the lottery as just *one* example: Most of the time it ruins their life and within a few years they are *worse* off than before!

    That said, I'm rather pleased with this outcome... the man was a Grade A USDA certified asshat before he started losing his marbles. His incompetence has led to LGBT, domestic violence victims, immigrants, and the list goes on, all getting booted off his site thanks to a broken "real name" policy enforced by an easily manipulated algorithm.... resulting in some people having to submit the same ID documents over and over again month over month. His incompetence led to the rise of "fake news" that spread virally and influenced many political campaigns. It's led to such things as advertisements for housing that can pre-select people based on race, gender, sexual orientation... basically anything that was illegal to do with a newspaper you can do on Facebook. Their "fix" for this problem was to add a dropdown on the form to categorize the advertisement. No human checks it. So it'll only block using those qualifiers if you specifically select the "housing" or "employment" options. Feel free to use miscellany instead.

    Frankly, if the man fell into a volcano I would consider it his most significant contribution to society.

    1. Magani
      FAIL

      Re: Bye Felicia

      The two most-discussed concerns this past year were about diversity of viewpoints we see (filter bubbles) and accuracy of information (fake news).

      One of the things as yet seemingly not noticed by FB is the number of fake ads that keep popping up. One that's prevalent at the moment is for Ray-Bans at $24. That can't be fake, can it? The URL says it *should* link to 'traralgonmarathon.org.au'. Needless to say, it doesn't. Another instance points at 'kincaidfurniture.com'

      Others that seem to be rife are obituaries for 'celebrities'. Here are a couple from the last week or so:-

      "Tom Jones, 76 Farewell to Tom Jones whose career spanned six decades..."

      URL points at 'montecarlolive.com'

      "It's Over For Hogan 'I can't believe it's actually gone' said Paul's wife..."

      URL points to 'yourbasicchoice.com'

      As I'm not heavily into Russian Roulette, I haven't bothered to click on these to find out where they go, but the little pop-up at the bottom of the screen when I mouse-over the 'ad', leads me to believe it ain't what it appears.

      How about cleaning up your own act before changing the world, FarceBook?

      1. MNGrrrl

        Re: Bye Felicia

        > One of the things as yet seemingly not noticed by FB is the number of fake ads that keep popping up.

        They notice. They just don't care.

        > How about cleaning up your own act before changing the world, FarceBook?

        Why? About a billion people are addicted to it. It's more successful than cigarettes. They only wish they could get Congress to give them a standing ovation for saying they "innovated" a fresh new way for people to slowly kill themselves through social disconnect.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Bye Felicia

          They notice. They just don't care.

          And they don't care because there are no *short-term* penalties for them not-caring. So, they might get sued if one of their ads is proven to have caused a malware infection on a computer. Even if they lose, they pay a bit of cash (barely a rounding error in todays cash-spigot), cry some crocodile tears and carry on as before.

      2. thomn8r

        Re: Bye Felicia

        One of the things as yet seemingly not noticed by FB is the number of fake ads that keep popping up.

        If you must use FacePlant, then install FB Purity ( http://www.fbpurity.com/ ), which will let you filter out 98% of the garbage.

    2. SundogUK

      Re: Bye Felicia

      tl;dr but

      "Frankly, if the man fell into a volcano I would consider it his most significant contribution to society."

      This.

    3. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Invented Social Networking?

      He didn't. There are few earlier ones, starting maybe 1998.

      He's certainly been the most successful. But successful != good.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Invented Social Networking?

        But successful != good.

        See Windows vs OS/2 in the 90's..

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Invented Social Networking?

        Earlier than that. We call it Usenet and it predates Farcebook by 24 years:

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Usenet

        About the article; sooooo gooood! I like the spirit of Zuck's message, but the glaring over-reaching nature of it spoils that message when you couple it with what the business called FB actually does for a living.

        You had me at, "What's that? A pinball machine?"

    4. Zojo

      Re: Bye Felicia

      "when you're inheriting a large amount of wealth you're also inheriting the social connections that go with it, and this has a normalizing effect on your attitudes and beliefs."

      Interesting statement. Normalise to what norms? Whatever you think of wealth, I think it would be difficult to argue that someone born into immense wealth does not have a distorted view of the world, and is likely to have attitudes and beliefs that reflect the unusual and highly privileged environment they live in. We can all think of examples of very rich people, born into that wealth, who seem, let's say, a bit unusual in their attitudes and beliefs.

  6. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    We salute you!

    No, not Zuckerdork! A cretin from the SF area did forward me the full diatribe, to which I replied "TLDR" out of politeness. I would like to recommend the Reg staffer that actually had to suffer the full idiocy of the Zuckerdork be given a medal, or at least several days off to lie down in a dark room.

    1. bazza Silver badge

      Re: We salute you!

      In that sense the timing has worked out well. Said staffer can do just that, in their own time over the weekend...

      (one imagines that The Register's editor is of the old school, cigar never more than 12 inches from mouth, brusk with absolutely everyone, master of all they survey, generous as a clam and just can't wait to shout "Stop press". Which never happens because there aren't any, and instead organises stressful stories like this just before the weekend to save on staff sick time...).

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: We salute you!

        one imagines that The Register's editor is of the old school, cigar never more than 12 inches from mouth, brusk with absolutely everyone, master of all they survey, generous as a clam and just can't wait to shout "Stop press".

        Ah, Lester, we miss you...

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: We salute you!

        cigar never more than 12 inches from mouth,

        You forgot the "magnum of cheap whisk(e)y in the desk-drawer.." bit.

    2. Kiwi Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: We salute you!

      I would like to recommend the Reg staffer that actually had to suffer the full idiocy of the Zuckerdork be given a medal, or at least several days off to lie down in a dark room.

      Mr Bryant, I never thought this day would arrive but.. I wholeheartedly agree with your post, and am saddened that I only have one upvote to give!

      El Reg, give that man (the staffer) a medal and some time off, and give that man (Mr Bryant) another upvote or few.

  7. Justicesays

    So the solution

    To Fake News, and people self selecting online into extremist echo chambers (due to a combination of semi-anonymity and a wide audience allowing "like minded" people to reinforce each others minority beliefs), would be for Facebook to buy Twitter and then shut themselves down?

    Because they are part of the problem, and no where near the solution.

    It's like he's invented a bio-weapon and is now trying to figure out how it can "do good".

    1. bazza Silver badge

      Re: So the solution

      It's like he's invented a bio-weapon and has lost control of it and now it's been used by some foreign power to cause immense damage at home and everyone he meets is saying "How could you be so ****ing stupid?" and is now trying to figure out how it can "do good".

      Fixed it for you!

  8. Mark 85 Silver badge

    The only thing missing from Z's meanderings...

    ... was suggesting we all gather together and sing "Kumbaya". Followed, of course, by several personally relevant ads and maybe a cat video or two...

    1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: The only thing missing from Z's meanderings...

      maybe a cat video or two...

      Oi! Don't knock the Cat Video. Some things are sacred y'know.

      1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: The only thing missing from Z's meanderings...

        "Oi! Don't knock the Cat Video. Some things are sacred y'know."

        I agree, if FB comprised of nothing but cats being cats and causing consternation among their servants, it would have improved the quality of everyone's life.

        I'm always slightly conflicted about FB, as a semi pro photographer having a facebook "page" is a great help to me in reaching people, I have a personal page as well, nothing on it is true in any sense of thw word but I use it to stay in casual touch (by which I mean the kind of contact I'd have with them by bumping into them in the street rather than needing to make a determined effort to ring/write them) with family in New Zealand and friends in Canada and the USA ( as well as people that live the other end of the country from me) and in that respect I don't really have that much of a problem with the whole social network thing but the way a lot of people use it makes me fear for the future sanity of a lot of people...

        PS Zuck is a bit of twat. I think he's channeling jobs but without the talent, style or charisma

  9. P. Lee Silver badge

    >so long as you maintain this level of delusion over the actual role that Facebook has in people's lives and in society, you are actually a big part of the problem.

    Indeed. Isolating liberals from reality in the world largest echo-chamber. Enticing them to abandon action in the real-world in favour of self-absorbing involvement with their phones; bombarding them with all the things they "like", distracting them other, more important things; channelling them into commercially safe causes - turning on rainbow filters on their profile pictures, instead of worrying about whether the war on terror might be killing far more people than its saving. Maybe they should stop focussing on which toilets 2.5% of the population want to use and contemplate how to support the 50% of the world's population who live on less than $2.50 per day. Maybe they should question whether prisons should be a commercial venture and if that has an impact on law-making. Maybe they should organise politically to support a candidate who does not have funding ties to big-business.

    So many options. Maybe some of them are more important than seeing what the cat of a school-friend from twenty years ago is doing with a ball of wool.

    1. sabroni Silver badge

      re: Isolating liberals from reality in the world largest echo-chamber.

      Just liberals?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: re: Isolating liberals from reality in the world largest echo-chamber.

        Oh yes, those nasty liberal people with their "socialist ideas" like affordable health care for all citizens without barriers when you have a pre-existing condition, or state parks, or the roads, or our military. Yes, even the military is a "socialist" construct; it serves all of our nation, not just the white, Christian terrorists and their cheerleaders. The only thing that moron carefully missed is that religions, and the fanatical crazy people who believe killing is an awesome directive from their made-up-story-book, are not to blame for most all problems of the world. In his tiny mind there were never any white, Christian terrorist attacks in the USA. When we all know otherwise. Conservative people are so loving and well-mannered and would do anything to help out a neighbor (unless you are not white). It is known.

        "Liberals" is the pretend-offensive term that assholes use to make our hard-won freedoms sound like an evil doctrine that must be stopped at any cost. How DARE we have an opinion that does not carefully dovetail with his own, fucked up view of the world! Wait, you'll hear this asshole cry "political incorrectness is ruining my life" next. That's another term these idiots like to use to gloss over what it means; common human decency. No, this is another useless, White, Racist, Christian secretly cheering whenever some other White, Racist, Christian bombs a government building with a daycare operation in it, or an abortion clinic, or murder a doctor. This is another White, Racist, gun-nut afraid of his own shadow, because it's not white. What a fucking creep. I guess I should explain the great hypocrisy of the "we're always right, even when we're wrong" mentality idiots like this seem to not recognize in themselves, but that does nothing. Idiots can't learn new things, and everything they think or do is fully vetted and correct in every way, but only their own mind. In the end, he'll just fly off the handle when the world doesn't bend his way, and shoot up his place of work, or some other bunch of innocents, so that they can pay for the offences he constructs inside his head they transgressed. A sad kook, unable to get help, pretending he doesn't need any. That's what I can glean from his diatribe, along with his race, sex and who he voted for. Easy to spot, hard to get rid of. :P

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    He really is a total ranga cunt who thinks he's created some masterpiece, a work of creative genius rather than just an electronic pied piper for fucking idiots with precious little else to do but share their meaningless existence with all and sundry. His shitty website will solve fuck all so he should just stick to selling everyone else's data.

  11. Paper

    Pfft globalism

    Globalism so far has turned out to be the biggest threat to humanity, with more death in the wars of the last century than probably the whole of humanity before.

    I envision the world like a town. Just because I live in the same town. It's about being good neighbours, not room mates. Half of you urinate on the toilet seat, and I therefore don't want you in my home. I have a habit of keeping my shoes on which I'm sure doesn't gel with half of you either. We don't all have to live in the same house, however if I live in your house, I expect to play by your rules, and vice versa. Besides, I hardly like my current room mates anyway...

    1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Pfft globalism

      "with more death in the wars of the last century than probably the whole of humanity before."

      TBF that has as much to do with the fact that we have had much better death dealing tech than in previous centuries.

      1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        Re: Pfft globalism

        "TBF that has as much to do with the fact that we have had much better death dealing tech than in previous centuries."

        Not so. Genghiz Khan's hordes probably killed over 15 million people using very basic technology, and if the population density had been greater he would have killed a lot more.

        One of the most effective weapons in the Russian fightback in WW2 after they had lost almost all their tank part in incompetence in 1941 - was cavalry units operating behind the lines.

  12. Eric Hunt
    Big Brother

    Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

    He's angling for POTUS.

    His personal challenge for 2017: to visit and meet with people in all 50 states by the end of the year.

    Now this.

    After watching The Orange Rump fumble his way to the soon-to-be-gold-house who can blame him?

    1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Unhappy

      Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

      I think you're right.

      Or possibly the next Messiah?

      I've only seen the start of "The Social Network" but the line from his ex-girlfriend seems spot on.

      Roughly

      "You think people don't like you because you're a geek. It's not. It's because you're an a**hole"

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

        "Or possibly the next Messiah?"

        I am completely happy with that so long as the Sanhedrin and the Prefect deal with it the same way as the last one.

        1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
          Coat

          ""Or possibly the next Messiah?""

          We should put a stop to this right now.

          He's not the Messiah.

          He's a very naughty boy.

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

          Sanhedrin and the Prefect

          Upvoted for using (mostly) the correct terms. "Prefect" should be "Procurator" but I'll let you off..

          1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

            Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

            "Prefect" should be "Procurator" but I'll let you off..

            The Pilate Stone (discovered 1961) says

            ...NTIUS PILATUS...ECTUS IUDA...

            which does not agree with "Procurator" but does agree with "praefectus", thus modern scholarship regards him as having been the prefect.

            But because it's Friday, and because you may have left school stopped doing Latin by 1961, I'll let you off.

            1. VIA_KT133

              Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

              Tu, ego amo te.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Mr Bookface wants to be President. Like?

      Nothing, and I mean nothing would surprise me anymore. Gates vs Zuck 2020 anyone?

  13. Winkypop Silver badge
    Trollface

    Facebook

    I've heard of it.

  14. wikkity

    Our greatest opportunities ... lifting people out of poverty

    "lifting people out of poverty", an opportunity? FFS, this is not an opportunity, this is what you referred to in the bit about humanity, not "All those pictures and updates"

  15. Grunchy

    I guess he must have meant well

    I used to run a BBS back in the 1980s and it devolved into pettiness, plus had hyper-limited market so I got out of it. A lot of effort with zero potential for monetary gain and nothing but grief. I guess the internet has changed a couple parts of that, but you'd have to be pretty slimy to make a BBS into a business.

    Whatevs.

    Hey! I have a good idea for safety. We had a home invasion here in Canada where the family was kidnapped and later tortured and executed, then burned up as cremation. Terrible, horrible story. Anyway it occurred to me, yeah it'd be great if you had a house alarm, like the school has a fire alarm. Like you could punch your NEST thermostat in the nose and it'd start squawking and calling 911 for you. Anyway, that doesn't exist yet I do believe, but I guess I could keep my car alarm button near to bed. So that way if somebody breaks in I could press that car alarm button, which might scare away the intruder. As an "intruder alert" as like Berzerk.

    Oh no, did I just zuckerberg? whups.

  16. Oengus Silver badge

    Facebook stands for bringing us closer together and building a global community.

    Facebook stands for data mining to provide more targeted ads and higher advertising revenue and making me richer.

    FTFY

  17. DocJames
    Facepalm

    hmmm

    I'm not a particular fan of facebook [insert further virtue signalling to el reg commentariat here], but don't think Z needs that much condemnation for this.

    He's thinking about making the world a better place. Sure this is illogical, has the tech utopianism, hand-wavy vagueness and disconnect from most people's lives that you would expect but that doesn't make it bad/evil, and it is not wrong of him to say it.

    It's an example of "if all you have is Facebook, every problem looks like a lack of friends". Or more generally, expertise and success in one area is not automatically transferable to others.

    1. SundogUK

      Re: hmmm

      "He's thinking about making the world a better place."

      Stalin thought he was making the world a better place.

      Hitler thought he was making the world a better place.

      Mao thought he was making the world a better place.

      Hell, Genghis Khan probably thought he was making the world a better place.

      We don't need people trying to make the world a better place, we need them to fuck off and leave us alone.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: hmmm

        Genghis Khan probably thought he was making the world a better place.

        Actually, he probably was. For a lawful-neutral value of "good"..

  18. PhilipN Silver badge

    What the ......?!!

    El Reg's hack's opening paragraph spot on.

    This would be laughable (as well as sick-making) save that it emanates from a guy who wields influence - as much if not more by virtue of the law of unintended consequences than by design.

    Worse : completely delusional. This piece could have been written by a hyped-up Robinson Crusoe - the lord and master of his domain - oops - the only one in it - before he saw the footprint in the sand.

    I often wonder how the World manages to work at all but it sure as hell is not going to change because of this sophomoric nonsense.

  19. Milton Silver badge

    Predictably facile and sophomoric

    Zuckerberg neatly demonstrates that skill in one area (he made a website once, I think?), even coupled with fair though unspectacular intelligence, doesn't qualify you to pontificate on matters you do not really understand.

    He gets ever closer to the mistake made by most politicians - mistaking his own prominence for inflated expertise and wisdom.

    It won't wash. Facebook is doing some good in the world, and a lot of damage as social media creates a culture of superficial infantilisation. We don't need an increasingly egotistical need to spout half baked tosh - we need a return to adulthood.

    1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: Predictably facile and sophomoric

      "He gets ever closer to the mistake made by most politicians - mistaking his own prominence for inflated expertise and wisdom."

      TBF this isn't limited to politicians.. it includes, actors, musicians, "reality TV stars" as well....

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Predictably facile and sophomoric

        TBF it's all humans who do that. I know shitty programmers that "gift" me a shitty script and think that they're "passing down great knowledge from on high," or the jumped-up plumber who knows "all of life's secrets," except for knowing anything about subjects that are not toilets, or how not to look like a plumber. There a lots of people who think they have some awesome knowledge that must be conveyed, if only people could understand it! I know teenagers who have their shit together better than most adults, along with being humble. And I know old people who are not fucking wise at all, just out-of-touch in very specific ways. So many people think they are a wise-sage, except the people who really are. Think about THAT when you're scarfing down your scone?!

        No, isolation, and having the resources to craft a false world surrounding yourself with "yes men" or "yes messages" is what makes a smashingly delusional CEO. That, or over-permissive parenting and being too wealthy without working hard for it. :P

  20. Aaiieeee

    A nice dream, sure.

    You know how every few years your brain unhelpfully reminds you of various stupid things you did or said in front of people (which made you feel stupid) and you cring and wish it never happened? Well, be happy that you usually don't do it on a global scale and that you can hope that none of the people remember it any more.

    I think everone wants what Mark is talking about and it sounds good (and makes us feel good) to talk about the problems as it tricks us into thinking we are *doing* when we actually are not. What is lacking here are any real solutions with some backing money, or a down to earth acknowledgement of the human condition or general human nature (selfishness and greed etc) which has and always will keep this Uptia in the realms of fantasy. A perfect example here is that Mark failed to acknowledge that his wealth is built on the fact people don't know or understand about privacy, personal information, and advertising, and dont know how value them properly. At a base level this is not alturism but greed which he has leveraged that into a successful business that we all wish we had thought of. If he was as compassionate as he wants us to believe in this article then to help people he'd have ensured their data isn't sold and their privacy is intact... but then he wouldn't make any money and who wants to start an enterprise to not make money? The reality is at odds with the fantasy.

    If he plowed vast sums of money into useful projects or rolled up his sleeves and assisted real people on the ground then I could respect what he was saying. Till then, as the article noted, he is probably high.

  21. Forget It
    Meh

    Cyber-Jesus ?

    Q: Who is my neighbour?

    A: I'll google that for you.

  22. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Unhappy

    So you have a choice of views.

    a) It's his well meaning but misguided view of to create (to coin a phrase) "Better living through Facebook." It's not bad, it's just sad.

    b) It's self serving BS from a megalomaniacal narcissistic designed to make him look better and generate more attention on FB (I presume it's on FB), possibly with a view to entering politics.

    I'll leave others to answer that one.

    If FB is "new media" does this make Z the first challenger to Rupert Murdoch?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Of course Zuckerberg isn't an ego-maniac"

    * - Its just that 'Privacy is dead' because he says so... So Facebook is entitled to slurp whenever they want whoever they want! Meanwhile Zuk is just 'Connecting the world'... 'Connecting the world'...

    * - Its like a demonic mantra. Never ever acknowledging selling users out to advertisers or corrupt governments. Zuk basically blames populist plebs for screwing up his vision of globalisation.

    * - But... If you sell out your granny to Ad-Men / Govt Agencies, then buy up houses and islands to build a fortress around YOUR OWN privacy... What's that called? ... Is having a dedicated team to manage your homepage every day showing off Zuk's sociopathic / psychopathic tendencies???

    * - The mainstream media paints Zuk as a visionary. But imagine if the 'leader' had his own middle eastern kingdom or SE-Asian / Latam country... Do we need yet another North Korea???

    * - But hey, most users don't care for any of this. Most have nothing to hide. Privacy is overrated just like virginity. So get rid of it! Well, its happening, welcome to the new cult of surveillance capitalism.

    * - But that still leaves whistleblowers, human rights activists and investigative journalists hung out to dry. FB basically exposes anyone who helps root out corruption or keeps 'The Elite' in check. The new UK / US laws confirm this! Plus, in other places its actually a matter of life and death. Not just the middle east, Latam has deadly corruption, Asia does too.

    * - So privacy is no longer about individual privacy. When users in the West care, that in-turn helps protect the more vulnerable in less fortunate territories. Why? Because necessary questions get asked. Just like Zuk evicting indigenous people from their own island didn't wash this time.

  24. BobC
    Pint

    Thanks!

    Never before has an online publication taken such a bullet for me, rescuing me from the meanderings of a tech-gazillionaire who clearly took no liberal arts in college.

    Love you all. Pints all around if I ever make it to Blightly.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A thought

    Hmmm, it might be worth remembering FB has engineers working on things other than their website:

    https://code.facebook.com/posts/561611824036387/inside-facebook-s-hardware-labs-moving-faster-with-more-collaboration/

    So, they seem able to prototype / develop solutions for at least some forms of IRL problems too.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Transation of Article

    Hey guys, I'm having a hard time at the moment. The stockholders are starting to revolt because we are not making enough profit. In order to continue with our mission to save the world I need your Dosh, lots of it and pronto.

    I'm sure that the word save was misspelled and SLAVE used instead but some sleazebag lawyer changed it.

    You can rebel and desert the FB ship. You did it before with MySpace and you can do it again.

    Not a FB user and never knowingly will be.

  27. gal5

    How about starting simple - stop draining mobile batteries in the background? Just the amount of batteries replaced due to facebook app drain is doing a lot of damage.

  28. wolfetone Silver badge

    A girl I knew once dated a guy who, quite proudly, pulled his pants down to reveal a tattoo on his arse, which read "100% C**t".

    That man, was Mark Zuckerberg.

    *starred out C**t because it's not 9am yet, the tattoo wasn't starred out.

    1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
      Meh

      "A girl I knew.." "a tattoo on his arse, which read "100% C**t"."

      Sounds like a UL to me.. or another Mark Zuckerberg (6Bn+ on the planet. Got to be at least two of them).

      Because

      a)The FB Zuckerberg doesn't look the sort to handle the amount of pain that would involve

      b)He seems to lack the introspection needed to realize he actually is a bit of a c**t a lot of the time.

      But who knows? Perhaps he's a deeply thoughtful individual who often ponders the human condition and the plight of humanity and is often disappointed by his own behavior.

      No, I don't believe that for a second, but there's just a snowballs chance in Hell it might be true.

  29. John Savard Silver badge

    Competition

    And here I thought you were talking about the Book that could Save the World, about the "Human Condition". When I looked at the site, which is, I guess why I saw their ads, their idea was that we were all happy and peaceful when we were animals, but when we started thinking rationally for ourselves, then we started doing evil things like murder.

    Since the conventional wisdom hasn't solved the world's problems - that the biggest cause of crime is impulsive behavior, where people act on their animal instincts instead of using rational thought - I guess trying something different, and turning around 180 degrees from common sense might make sense. But somehow I doubt it.

    Still, saying that Adam should just vomit up that apple does have precedent behind it...

  30. regprentice

    I dont think this kind of thinking is limited to zuckerberg or facebook. I work for a large bank where every app, product or 'interaction' is life changing, unique, revolutionary. Zuckerberg just has it worse than most other ceos, in direct proportion to the value of his company presumably.same logic applies to apple.

    My employer 'lifted people out of poverty' last year by not paying me a bonus and instead using the bonus pool cash to start paying cleaning/admin staff the 'living wage' instead of the 'minimum wage'. Tart up a change you were going to have to make anyway as altruism.

    I pity the poor bastards now at facebook who have targets set around this new mission statement. Not cured aids by lunchtime? Your fired go work for bebo.

    1. Alistair Silver badge
      Coat

      @ regprentice

      "Your fired go work for bebo."

      I have young children and believe that belly buttons don't make a very good salary.

  31. Mage Silver badge
    Flame

    The Anti-christ?

    "Today we are close to taking our next step." That's today. It's happening right now and, let's be honest, most of it is happening on Facebook. All those pictures and updates – that is where the real work of humanity is occurring right now.

    That's so delusional.

    Facebook steals privacy, enables, bullying, causes depression. Email, Skype and phone are better for families scattered apart to stay in touch. You need email and phone to register with facebook.

    Crimes against humanity.

  32. Roj Blake Silver badge

    Interconnected World

    I'm not against an interconnected world, but I am against an interconnected world run by cockwombles like Zuckerberg.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Interconnected World

      Thank you. You just saved me the trouble of writing something very like that, which would also have used the word "Cockwomble".

  33. mix

    Time to die...

    The best thing he could contribute to society right now is to turn the whole thing off and let humanity find something else to occupy its time, like solving world problems.

  34. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
    Pint

    Have an upvote

    For mentioning the species of humanity called 'cockwombles'.

    Have one on me for that

  35. Sparkypatrick

    "[W]e built social infrastructure...to empower us to achieve things we couldn't on our own."

    Zuck's actually not wrong about this. Sure, we group together for mutual defence; but that's an example of a thing we cannot achieve on our own. It's also not the only reason we come together and secondary in the long run to achieving economic benefit.

    The rest is deluded, self-aggrandising bullshit.

  36. Mr Dogshit

    Arse

    He's 32, he's too immature to even run a lemonade stand.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Globalisation sounds great doesn't it?

    Maybe it is great.

    But how about they figure out how to make it into the idyllic perfection they make it out to be on a small scale first. Take some of those areas billed as the most multicultural wonderlands and actually fix them. Fix LA's ghetto's/out of control drug addition/homelessness. Fix Detroit's completely failed economy/industry. Fix Chicago's murder rates and gun crime and general lawlessness.

    Fix all that, then you might succeed in having something to sell to the world.

  38. David Black

    Dear Mark

    How about you change the world in a way that you can, directly.

    How about securing online privacy rights and transferring ownership of people's personal information back to them. If they wish to open it up and sell it, they can. You could create an entirely new market, a new economy, you would revolutionise advertising. You could empower people to make decisions with their life and spark competition and innovation. Remove the concept of "free" services, show the real monetary value being transferred. All within your hands today. A new vision of a world based on openess and empowerment, not secret slurping and spying.

    Oh, and pay your taxes, you don't *need* to offshore and process profits through 13 business entities. You can because global legistlation is lax, but you could also go to a favela and shoot street children without much chance of being prosecuted either. It's about morality, get some, it'd look good with all your wealth.

    1. GrumpyOldMan

      Re: Dear Mark

      A new vision of a world based on openess and empowerment, not secret slurping and spying.

      Its not secret. We all know he's doing it.

    2. Mike Shepherd
      Meh

      Re: Dear Mark

      Nothing of his vision will happen. In Clive James' words, it's "can-say instead of can-do" (even funnier in the audio version).

  39. Mike Shepherd
    Meh

    Why listen?

    This is the man who said he'd give $3bn to cure all disease by 2100. I assume that by now someone told him to "get real". Why are we still listening?

  40. GrumpyOldMan

    Fund raising... ?

    "A few years ago, after an earthquake in Nepal, the Facebook community raised $15 million to help people recover and rebuild – which was the largest crowdfunded relief effort in history."

    In April 2015 - when the earthquake hit - $15M = £10.031710M. In 2015 on one small island nation off the coast of Europe a comedy TV program run by a charity called Comic Relief raised £78m. In one day. When all the money was gathered in the days and months that followed it totaled out at just over £104M.

    If all Zuck and FB can manage - Globally - is 10% of that....

    Just saying. Not saying its not good that FB raised that amount, but if 70% or whatever it is of the global population use it... ZB probably has that in loose change in his pocket.

    I am immensely proud of how generous the British people can be.

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In summary

    Cunt.

  42. rocklands.cave

    Pay local taxes instead of enriching your "charity"

    ...that may make things a little better in the countries of your users

  43. CDD
    Unhappy

    How Long for This World..??

    Well, Zuckerberg is a knob. We all know it, and he seems continually determined to give us more and more evidence to back up this view.

    Personally I detested him ever since El reg reported on his business card job title a few years ago (I'm CEO... Bitch). Not sure what he puts now - 'Messiah' perhaps?

    Still, my point really is just how long is FB likely to remain the premier social media platform. My wife uses it, a 54 year old woman with limited IT skills who just this morning said to me "Facebook seems to be going out of fashion". My kids no longer use it, and my wife feels it is losing its appeal, with four adverts to every post. My friend's young grandkids on being asked about FB replied "oh no, that is for old people", which makes one wonder just how much longevity FB actually has. I have no research data to back this up, and I realise that as they expand into developing countries there will be new uptake of the product, but in more developed countries it does seen that FB is reaching the 'mature' stage of the product lifecycle, if not moving into 'decline'. They do say the hardest thing for a business with one great idea is to then come up with a second good (and marketable) idea - the second album is always the hardest - so once his platform does start to seriously decline, in the best traditions of The Register, will he learn to shut the fuck up???

    ...and I agree, a medal for the poor guy that had to read this narcissistic drivel in full.

  44. steamrunner

    WTF?

    Putting aside the issue of whether The Zuck should have even written this stuff for a moment...

    ... but is it just me, or is this the crappiest article El Reg has posted in a fair while? I know it's Friday and I may be having a senior moment or three after a long week and missing the point, but WTF is this shite?

    I was so happy and content after reading this week's 'On Call' column then 'smack', I ran into this drivel.

    Zuck may well get an "F" but this article definitely gets a "U": un(re)markable.

  45. OliP

    i guess we are going to see more of this from him, over christmas it was him waxing lyrical over how he'd discovered home automation (50 years late mark?) and now he's obviously finished reading a book and now thinks he can fix the world.

    fuck off mark.

  46. Zmodem

    obviously a script kiddie who made a wack site that entertains only stupid people

    mans was so happy finding out you can uninstall everything todo with facebook on a xperia z3

  47. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    I was with you right up to the point where you started mocking the 15 million.

    Remind me: how much did the Register raise for the same relief effort?

    1. Kiwi Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Bah!

      Remind me: how much did the Register raise for the same relief effort?

      fuckerborg and farcebork collectively raised a whopping $15mill. Note what a poster above said about the UK raising over GBP 104mill, 78mill of that in a weekend. Population of UK? "Population" of freakbonk?

      As to El Reg, if only one staffer gave 1 pound, that'd probably mean as a %age that El Reg gave a shitload more than MothaZucker. Certainly, looking at total turnover OR total staff/users, to give twice the amount per capita El Reg would've had to give fuck all. 20 pence maybe? (late-on-a-Saturday maths).

      $15mill is useful, sure, and no doubt the victims of the quake were grateful for it.. But given the resources available, I'd say it's actually a very shamefully low amount. What says even more, is that Messedup Zanyburg can only use that pitiful little amount as an example of just how wonderful fb is - they haven't given a larger amount to another charity, nor have they given more to charity than that 15mill in the years since. Been a lot of nasty disasters in the world since then, but their best effort is that 15mill (assumption based on his not saying "we gave $x to y and z" (and also assuming El Reg's writer didn't skip too much there).

      1. Zmodem

        Re: Bah!

        britain is full of the middleclass who goto work, and then stay in every night watching tv hiding from the world they created for themeselves and can afford £40 atleast because they are allowed £10,000 saving and tax credits while claiming housing benefit, while everyone who works less then 30 hours still has to put up with nothing more then unemployment benefit, the rest of you wage goes on rent and council tax

      2. Kiwi Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Bah!

        fuckerborg and farcebork collectively raised a whopping $15mill.

        Reminds me of a joke I heard many years ago.. I'll make a few changes to bring it up to date..

        A fairly young lad is given a crisp new $5 bill from his parents and sent off to town to spend it on whatever he wants. Like many boys that age, he heads to the local candy store, his thoughts filled with all the chocolate and caramel and other things he'll get with his $5.

        As he's passing the local Salvation Army church on the way, he notices the $5 note isn't in the pocket he thought it was. After a few moments of frantic pocket searching he realises that somewhere he has lost his $5, and immediately he starts crying.

        One of the preachers from the Sallies just happens to be going into the building when he sees the boy crying, and he asks what is wrong.

        "M..m..m Mum gave me so..so..some money for ca..ca.candy and I've lost it" the boy sobs

        "Oh, that's sad. How much was it?" The preacher asks

        "Fi..fi..fi.. Five dollars!" Is the response

        "Well, I only have a tenner on me, and we know you don't have any change. Here, take this and enjoy".

        The boy thanks him, and resumes his journey. Very quickly the lad realises he's on to something, and he heads out over to the local Anglican. This time he stops by a drain grate outside and starts crying.

        A local minister hears the crying outside his office, and heads out to inspect. Of course, much the same conversation takes place as did outside the Sallies.

        "I've dropped my $5 down the drain"

        "Well, all I have is a tenner. Here, take it my son, and go with God".

        Happily the boy leaves, thinking of how much he could get if he keeps this up. Off he heads for the nearby AOG.

        The AOG pastor hears the boy sobbing in the street, asks him what's wrong. Of course, the conversation goes much like the previous two.

        "I'm sorry about the money you've lost, but God has been good to us this week. Here, have a $20".

        "Wow, gee thanks mister!" exclaims the lad and off he skips, now having more money than he's seen in his young life.

        Seeing how things have been improving, he decides to try his luck one more time. Off he heads to the local Catholic church Facebook HQ.

        He stops outside, and pretends to be franticly checking his pockets, searching for something important. After a few moments of this he pretends to start crying.

        One of the nuns from the local convent a FB employee just happens to be going into the building when he sees the boy crying, and he asks what is wrong.

        "M..m..m Mum gave me so..so..some money for ca..ca.candy and I've lost it" the boy sobs

        "Oh, that's sad. How much was it?" The Nun the FB employee asks.

        "Fi..fi..fi.. Five dollars!" Is the response

        "Oh, that's too bad. Here, I have $5 on me, you can have it".

        The boy looks at it with disappointment, and says "Gee, thanks Virgin Mary Mr Zuckerberg"

        The Nun FB employee says "What makes you think I'm the Virgin Mary Mr Zuckerberg"?

        "Because you're the tightest cunt I've seen all day!

        Ok.. El Reg we really do need that "bad joke alert" icon!

  48. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    With all due disrespect

    "The Red Cross, for example, has an annual budget of $3bn. That's 200 times larger and that's just one organization."

    Yes, but Nepal was just one earthquake. I suspect that the scale of Red Cross spending on Nepal was a bit closer.

    In "Fiddler on the Roof", Tevye sings "When you're rich, the think you really know." He did not identify the more serious problem, which is that when you're rich, you think you really know.

  49. Potemkine Silver badge

    "are we building the world we all want?"

    Among other things, the World I want is a World where privacy matters.

  50. happyuk

    I know his real motivation...

    All this 'global problems' guff - Zuck wants new legislation to make it easier for Facebook to get cheap foreign hires. Trebles all round!

  51. fredesmite

    Fkck FB and all those other social media sites

    FB produces nothing - if they disappeared today they would never be missed

  52. Sam Therapy
    FAIL

    The biggest problem with Zuckerberg is...

    That he's Zuckerberg.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The biggest problem with Zuckerberg is...

      That reminds me of the South Park James Cameron poem. I'll redo it for Zuck:

      Mark Zuckerberg doesn't do what Mark Zuckerberg does for Mark Zuckerberg.

      Mark Zuckerberg does what Mark Zuckerberg does because he IS Mark Zuckerberg.

      And now the Golden Girls Theme:

      Thank you for being a friend (on Facebook)

      Traveled down the road, and back again (with many pictures to Like, but not really)

      Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant (I'm 100% sure we've never met in person)

      Need I go on? I needn't. You do it for extra credit.

  53. JustNiz

    >> In the United States election last year, we helped more than 2 million people register to vote and then go vote.

    Is it just me or does Facebook "helping" 2 million people to vote actually sound really scary?

    1. mohan72

      Those are the 2 million votes that didn't really count?

  54. Howard Hanek Bronze badge
    Linux

    When I'm Depressed I Always Listen to Mark Zuckenberg

    ....and my direct access to the suicide hotline is always there to save me. They always come up with the words that returns me to normalcy. They would rather want me to live in a world where Mark Zuckerberg wouldn't have that effect on people.

  55. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Wait 2000 years

    and you get 2 wannabe messiahs come along at once. I am of course referring to the appearance of the Rev. Blair today.

  56. the Jim bloke Silver badge
    Big Brother

    The greatest evil the internet has caused..

    .. has been giving stupid people a voice.

    Empowering stupid people is a recipe for disaster - choose your own examples.

    The only reason that 'smart' people pretend to listen to stupid people, is in order to exploit them, for labour, political power, financial gain, or sex. Otherwise, they are just a waste of time.

    The greatest benefit 'social media' has brought to the world has been to siphon the majority of the stupid people into the same place, where they can be safely ignored by the grown-ups. Zuckerberg has used this concentration to monetise stupid people, reaping huge rewards. (see above)

  57. Lion

    I expect the vast majority of the 1.86 billion active FB members will not read the manifesto. Yes, I am stating the obvious.

    The danger for Zuckerberg when he produces these statements of grandeur is that there are activist investors who have been eyeing FB for sometime and have lately suggested that he be removed as CEO. To combat these corporate raiders, FB changed their corporate governance rules to give founders and early investors greater voting control. Zuckerberg benefits from 10 votes for each share and currently controls just under 57 percent of the vote. He has even given himself the right to name his successor when he dies. The very definition of 'control freak'.

    The content of this manifesto should really not come as a huge surprise. He is a caviar socialist living the capitalist's dream.

  58. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Zuckerberg thinks he's cyber-Jesus"

    So you are saying he considers himself a (cyber-)non-Messiah? Me too, in that case. Or has he converted to Christianism or Islam? Or is it just the headline missing the mark?

  59. Kiwi Silver badge
    Pint

    Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

    I might've been tempted to read such a document had I stumbled on it from another source. Thank you for doing it so the rest of us don't have to!

    ---> A million of your favourite beverage! (though that lot sounds like Zuck beat you to it!)

    I guess it goes to show.. When you sell your soul to the devil, you get what you deserve. Guess Zuck is starting to unravel?

    (And he must have sold his soul, how else could someone who writes stuff like that do so well in this world?)

  60. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm rather sick and tired of globalists telling me how great they are when all they have done is walk off with the profit without paying the tax small business have to pay. Utter hypocrisy.

  61. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    did he just ...

    spin that Kodos and Kang bit from The Simpsons out to 6,000 words?

    but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

  62. Grease Monkey

    Nice to see that there's one media outlet that's not taking that pointless stream of (barely) consciousness seriously.

  63. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What Jesus didn't do...

    Jesus didn't get to where he got through mergers and acquisitions, 57 to date for Zuck.

  64. mohan72

    The answer is Facebook, now what's the question?

  65. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Zuck should start changing the world by paying his taxes, according to how much revenue he receives in each country... from his facebook.

    Non-facebook user - I am unable to create a profile 'for fun' or to take the piss...

    Facebook reminds me of a song I enjoyed, it's something like a prophecy: adam freeland, we want your soul. :)

  66. Mage Silver badge

    They are delusional

    http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-39051972

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