back to article Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

With the exciting news that Apple is going to hold a conference in June where it will announce new products – only the 15th time it has done so since 2003 – we felt it was time to write down some wild speculation because, like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do. Of course the big news is that June …

  1. malle-herbert
    Trollface

    Well...

    Being able to deliver electric shocks to someone who stole your earbuds would be a nice feature !

    1. J. R. Hartley Silver badge

      Re: Well...

      Hahahaha. Is a soo salty.

  2. beboyle

    You omitted to say how many people are already standing in line for this phone, or where we can go to join them.

    1. Youngone Silver badge

      Those of us who are really dedicated Apple people (and therefore better than you) stayed in the queue from the iPhone 7 release.

      A long wait, but will totally be worth it. The iPhone 8 will be 1mm smaller on one of the dimensions!!

      Gamechanger!!

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Come along commentards, pay your way!

    we felt it was time to write down some wild speculation because, like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do.

    It was my pleasure to click on the clickbait. If that pays your salary I am pleased, in fact we're all happy.

    1. DNTP

      Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

      Honesty in the technology sector news, what is this world coming to.

      Although you neglected to mention that despite featuring wireless recharging, the phone still needs to be plugged into the iCharger for so that you have to buy a $99 charger for each phone security authentication purposes. Oh and the wall cable on the iCharger starts to fray and split after 12 months.

    2. ratfox Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

      Biting the hand that feeds IT since 1994!

    3. B83
      Unhappy

      Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

      I dont like apple, to expensive, and just wanted to see if it was really true about the defibulator for the rodent, although I did suspect that it might be slightly erroneous.

      My mate is apple obsessed and I was looking forward to taking the piss out of him and calling him Hammy the Hamster or something equally childish.

      Damn, damn, damn your click "like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do." scam.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One too many facts!

    Oh, that was fun. And we all had a good laugh. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except perhaps my wife, and some of her friends... oh yes and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it most people like a good laugh more than I do. But that's besides the point.

    "IPHONE X"

    IRL the internal name of every new iPhone is iPx, for iPhone X which is whatever the next series number is. FYI.

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: One too many facts!

      But this is iPhone X with added +, which makes it more of a reason to trade in your newish £700 iPhone 7 for £150 to Apple and pay another £700 for iPhone X+. The fact that it is also a veterinary help to small furry rodents and Donald Trump's hairpiece is an added bonus. I would be claiming my place in the AppleStore queue in Regent Street right now, were it not for the fact that I sold off my iPhone 6s after years of being duped by Apple's "buy a minor update" and bought a OnePlus3T instead.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: One too many facts!

        You could have said No and not bought the upgraded phone and kept the old one for another few years.

        YOU made a decision to spend that money.

        I made a decision to use Apple phones.

        I also made a decision to never buy new ones. I get secondhand ones from Pawn shops.

        It wasn't that hard a choice you know.

        When the next OnePlust comes out will you be first in line for it? I'm sure we'd like to know so that a space can be reserved for you in the queue that will probable run the lenght of Marylebone High St.

  5. Dwarf Silver badge
    Joke

    I'm still waiting

    Apparently the iPhone 5 was supposed to come with the holographic keyboard and the holographic displays, but mine still doesn't work and I've been the genius bar several times about this critical defect.

    Its in the official advertising video here.

    If they don't get their act together then my next stop is trading standards.

    1. Ben 54

      Re: I'm still waiting

      Did you also report that Wave doesn't charge you phone when you put it in a microwave?

      But seriously, some people might think you are serious here :D That video you mention was making the rounds as fact in some place in Asia those days. Top management in the one company showed it to me asking my opinion while I traveled on a roadshow, and were very disappointed when I told them it is probably fake.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: I'm still waiting

      "holographic keyboard and the holographic displays,"

      Yes, I KNOW I'm responding to a joke post, but....the projected virtual keyboard has been around for at least 20 years, although that video does show what Apple are good at. Taking something and improving the UI. And why are all conceptual holographic displays always semi transparent? Who would want to to be watching video or reading information on a "screen" you can see through? That's gonna cause some eye strain issues with the all the (re-)focusing problems.

  6. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Might as well

    Get rid of that stupid old phone feature. Come on, that's 1849 technology that should be left to the cheap Androids. Do you really want to talk to your boss? Your Mom? Use the laser face scanner to send an emoji and be done with it.

    1. Christian Berger Silver badge

      You don't have a headphone socket anyway

      Why not remove all sound features from it. Sound is just so sold fashioned. And while you are at it, remove the display, those only crack and limit your runtime anyway. After a couple of itterations you could have the ideal smartphone, an extremely stylish piece made completely from something as bendy as rubber, but as smooth as acryl or glass, but with no electronics inside... well perhaps you could have some on chip oscillators so you can claim that it's an octacore running at x GHz.

      1. psychonaut

        Re: You don't have a headphone socket anyway

        they make half the thing out of acrylic glue anyway, not much of a step up really...

  7. HildyJ
    Devil

    Power button

    You neglected to mention Li Chi Nyut's leak that in addition to eliminating the home button, Apple will eliminate the power button. An enhanced Siri will determine when the iPhone should be used and turn it on for you.

    Also, it is rumored that the defibrillator function will also be able to deliver small shocks to your ears if it detects that you're holding the phone wrong.

    1. AndrueC Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Power button

      deliver small shocks to your ears if it detects that you're holding the phone wrong.

      Or perhaps if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes.

      1. Jedit
        Mushroom

        "...if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes."

        No, that's what the Remotely Controlled Detonation feature is for.

        And Samsung can't claim prior art on this one; when their phones detonate it isn't remotely controlled.

    2. Michael Thibault

      Re: Power button

      > Apple will eliminate the power button.

      Of course they will, as there's no point in having a power button when you've eliminated the batteries. DUH! Oh, and it's not "wireless charging", it's "wireless power". Thanks Nikola!

  8. PNGuinn
    WTF?

    Click Bait.

    More bloody click bait, and we all fell for it.

    C'mon el Reg - what we all REALLY want to know is are you getting an invite to the launch this time??

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Click Bait.

      C'mon el Reg - what we all REALLY want to know is are you getting an invite to the launch this time??

      They could employ #1 Apple Fan and National Treasure Stephen Fry to report on the event. On second thoughts, perhaps not.

    2. imaginarynumber

      Re: Click Bait.

      I guess that the staff from the Reg and the Graun can find a pub in London and have a pint whilst they stream the footage of the launch.

    3. imaginarynumber

      Re: Click Bait.

      Any media outlook that uses the term thickness to describe the depth of an iPhone is unlikely to get much Cupertino love.

      The approved term is "thinness", as in 6.9mm thin.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Click Bait.

        The approved term is "thinness"

        So, what is the official El Reg term for the opposite of embiggened? Disembiggened?

        1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
          Coat

          Thinness..

          It's true. And a grass-roots campaign is being simultaneously waged to abolish the term "obesity." Henceforth larger people will simply have a negative thinness quotient.

        2. tiggity Silver badge

          Re: Click Bait.

          Detumescent?

  9. Apprentice of Tokenism
    Go

    [...] or is that the IPHONE X!!!!!!! [...]

    A reliable source claimed that it will be called the iPhoeniX - rising from the ashes.

    [...] and Apple-approved music device and [...]

    your Apple-approved music

    FTFY

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Devil

      your Apple-approved music

      Your?

      It's a bunch of entries in a playlist you're allowed to access and even modify, and on selecting such an entry Apple will deign to stream it from their servers to your AASR*, at least, if you have paid your iTunes fees.

      * Apple-approved stream receiver

    2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      iPhoeniX

      Isn't that Samsung's new 'phone?

  10. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Happy

    an incredible 6.9mm –

    FAKE NEWS!! It's going to be 6.897mm

  11. Burbles

    If anything could convince me to buy an IPhone it would be a rodent defibrillator. As someone who keeps many rodents, many from backgrounds of neglect, I would personally love to see a rodent defibrillator.

    1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

      defibrillator..

      In an Enterprise environment, the defib feature can be used to automatically keep people from falling asleep in late afternoon meetings.

  12. Black Rat

    Now listen carefully Bond...

    New iPhone X, push the earbuds into the sports nutrition bar thus to make a demolition charge.

  13. Unep Eurobats
    Gimp

    The Unbelievable Truth

    I feel like I've stumbled into an episode of the Radio 4 panel game where contestants have to spot the five truths hidden among the lies. All that's missing is Henning Wehn claiming that 'der iPhone vas invented by Jesus', whereupon Stephen Fry buzzes and David Mitchell says sarcastically, 'So you think the iPhone was invented by Jesus ... well you're absolutely right.'

    1. John H Woods

      Re: The Unbelievable Truth

      I love that programme, especially when Herr Wehn is on it. I think he's got to hold the record for the boldest unspotted truth, starting a spiel on the Ancient Greeks by starting "The Ancient Greeks were mostly idiots ..."

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: The Unbelievable Truth

        My favourite from the Unbelievable Truth went alongthe lines of:

        "The word 'Shark' was coined by seaman Mark Cooper, when he fell into the ocean and attempted to use three different swear words simultaneously..."

        It sounds so plausible!

    2. Stoneshop Silver badge

      Re: The Unbelievable Truth

      I feel like I've stumbled into an episode of the Radio 4 panel game where contestants have to spot the five truths hidden among the lies.

      US journalists must currently feel likewise.

      Except that s/five/any/, and there are no prizes anyway.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: The Unbelievable Truth

        US journalists must currently feel likewise.

        US "journalists" are the problem as they make up bullshit faster than a cattle truck laden with bovines that have coli bacterium gut problems. I necessary, it is declared "leaked" as opposed to "stitched together from whole cloth while recovering from last night's ethanol overload paid for by some Washington Insider".

        The last shooting war they got us into wasn't fun and is still ongoing, the next one will be the last.

  14. Zmodem

    whats wrong with bluetooth 4 and quick access to 1000s of devices rather then 3 devices with an iphone 8, before 3d selfies, they should make the camera better, and as good as the xperia z3 atleast with a simple point and click https://s24.postimg.org/7h0xkxwwl/DSC_0005.jpg, selfies are all the iphone camera can take

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      ???

      (I had just wanted to post '???', but The post is required, and must contain letters.. Never mind, it's just zmodem being moronic again. )

      1. Zmodem

        why, iphones are shit, you can look around the internet for photography samples, they all suck and simple, so they can only do selfies

        who are sad enough to actually own alot of apple products, they all suck and don't do nothing much

        you can root a xperia and happlly have a full linux, unlike samsung where nothing on google play works even when you phone is'nt rooted

        iphones and galaxy's are for the cool, proving they both suck and people will buy it just to be cool, all fashion products are rubbish and never do nothing much

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        it's just zmodem being moronic again.

        Fall back to using xmodem? You *expect* it to be moronic..

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Whatever it is...

    ...and however much it costs...

    I will buy it. And I will feel special.

  16. moiety

    I'm calling it

    FAKE NEWS!

    You'd need way more than 45V to reanimate a lowland paca.

    1. dbayly

      Re: I'm calling it

      You'd need way more than 45V to reanimate a lowland paca.

      But, a sustained 45V might cook one nicely in short order.

      1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: I'm calling it

        "What is the reanimation threshold voltage of a lowland paca?" "African or European?" Aaaaaaaaaaagh...

  17. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
    Happy

    Excellent article if clickbait.

    Keep it up, Apple will most probably add undocumented system calls to block any The Register websites :)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As an Apple User...

    ...I have to congratulate El Reg for slagging Apple and actually managing to be very funny in the process. For once.

  19. Frank N. Stein

    #YAWN. PASS. Nothing impressive in the rumors. Let's see what they actually bring. I'd say "Thinner and Lighter", with tech that already existed in Android Phones and will suddenly be hailed as MAJOR innovations.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      I'd say "Thinner and Lighter", with tech that already existed in Android Phones and will suddenly be hailed as MAJOR innovations.

      That is a superb and succinct summary of the salient suggestions in the [s]article.

  20. phil dude
    Boffin

    medical uses...

    The laser scanning, if true, has potential medical uses.

    In fact, improving phone tech is generally lowering the bar to some very cool med-tech advances.

    P.

    1. Kiwi Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: medical uses...

      The laser scanning, if true, has potential medical uses.

      Do you know how seriously foul the human mouth is? And how unsanitary things like pockets are?

      Would you really want something that's been close to a mouth or inside a pocket anywhere near your delicate internals?

      For that matter.. Would you really want a surgeon who uses Apple "Technology"[massive coughing fit] to even touch the carcass of the nearest deceased rodent, let alone work on your good self?

  21. chivo243 Silver badge

    don't you believe it

    I was taught not to believe everything I have read. But a 1000 credit iPhone seems plausible...

  22. LeeAlexander

    Yaaaaaaawwwwwn - No one is interested in over-hyped 3D let alone a tiny little phone screen!

  23. W4YBO

    "...like lemmings..."

    Geronimo!!!

  24. luminous

    Mac Pro 2?

    You left out all the wild rumours flying around about the next generation mac pro. Interesting if true and I definitely want one.

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Apple Kit and Chocolate Bars

      Apple kit is just like Chocolate Bars.

      1) Each generation is smaller than before

      2) Each other generation to 1) costs the same or more

      3) Every version leaves the user thinking that it was better before. Take KitKat's before Nestle took over. Now the taste is far too sweet and cheap.

      So the new Mac Pro will be the size of the current MacMini.

      IT will be prefectly smooth apart from TWO things.

      1) a socket for the power lead

      2) an on/off switch.

      Getting data In/Out and Video out will be controlled by magic.

      Oh, and it will cost the same as a Dacia Sandero.

      Perfecton does not come cheap (cough-cough)

      Paris because even she can see when someone is REALLY taking the piss.

  25. tempemeaty
    Trollface

    iBluVibe

    What? No mention of the new "iBluVibe" feature that works when the iPhone is in a pocket? The new feature has the same effect as a double dose of Viagra and can be programed to go off any time of day or night...

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: iBluVibe

      No need for that. The pure thought of a new iPhone has the effect of a serious overdose of Viagra.

  26. The Mole

    Defib

    Was going to pre-order it now but I think I'll wait for the announcement to confirm that the defibrillator function really is compatible with moles as well as other rodent types.

    1. Dwarf Silver badge

      Re: Defib

      Well, rumour has it that it doesn't work on Dwarfs - too much beard.

      1. Zmodem

        Re: Defib

        in the real world it will make the iphone banned in nearly every country

  27. WatAWorld

    Rodent defibrillators have a practical use in executive suites

    Why buy a human defibrillator when your key headcount consists entirely of rodents?

  28. Kiwi Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Beautiful, just beautiful..

    And so accurate!

    Cept the "last years Samsung" stuff.. Try 3 years ago.

    Love it!

  29. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Roland Rat Superstar

    With a rodent defibrillator, who better to help promote the phone than Roland Rat? Some may remember he helped reverse the plummeting viewing figures of TV-AM

  30. s. pam
    Holmes

    Don't forget the female sex toy feature

    Inserted properly, women can enhance their pleasure with the iPhone8 as it comes with their needs in mind.

    1. Rimpel

      Re: Don't forget the female sex toy feature

      rounded corners?

  31. Darlene

    The whole thing

    Thanks for my morning laugh! I will be sharing this article and the comments are just as great! Such fun and re Click Bait? Brilliant!

  32. Danny Boyd

    It's still February, right?

    Now please help out me dumb American: was April Fool's Day moved ahead in UK, perchance due to BREXIT I heard something of?

  33. beardypete

    Great article - Donald will be proud of you!

  34. Raphael
    Pint

    you guys aren't ever going to get off there "do not communicate" list. You know that right?

    All up, Brilliant article, I know some muppets already standing in line for it.

  35. PhilipN Silver badge

    Head phone

    I want a phone small enough to fit somewhere inside my skull. Plenty of room there. Or even a dental implant. Kinetic charging from chewing gum. Siri to whisper the time in a sexy voice. Built-in heart-rate blood pressure and steps monitor. Satnav. Fuck this is a good idea. In fact several implants linked by - what else - blueteeth. Phew! Now I have seen the future 50 years hence I need to lie down and listen to War and Peace.

    Oh not finished. Direct link to the optic nerve so no external display. Do not disturb I am watching Star Wars Part Soixante-Neuf.

  36. Peter Gordon

    "Galaxy, Lumia, Nexus, Moto Z or Priv."

    .. and the Pre before that. How soon we forget :-(

  37. Alienrat

    Mole?

    Well, the article seemed totally reasonable and I was about to book my ticket to California for the unveiling of this wonderful device, I have longed for a phone that was less than 7mm, 7.1 was way too big and I am often called to the scene of rodent cardiac incidents, this would solve all my problems. Then I noticed the obvious - Mole? A Rodent?

    With this sort of major error I am beginning to believe that some of the other facts might be less than totally accurate!

  38. a pressbutton

    I misread fearless for earless

    A phone that does not use your ears, so you do not need to make calls, or talk to anyone or listen to anyone

    There would be a massive market for that and you could charge about 2 x the ipad for one.

  39. BazzF

    In other news...

    Samsung have started production of the Galaxy Note 8. This version feature a non-exploding battery. Probably.

  40. Big_Boomer Bronze badge

    Absorbent

    El Reg has got it wrong again. It won't be called the iPhone8 or iPhoneX. It will be called the xPhone and will be SUPER absorbent so as to be able to survive the cum showered upon it by over-excited fanboiz. Added features will be whatever Apple deign to allow you to have, and you'd better be grateful or else. Prices will be high enough to make only the stupidly rich able to afford it, which is just as well since they are the only ones gormless enough to think that the interface is anything other than Fisher Price revisited.

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019