back to article King's College London bods recruit members for penis ring study

Boffins at King's College London are looking for gents in committed relationships who don't mind slipping a variety of rings over their old fellas to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse. The research effort is erupting out the uni's Institute of Psychiatry, and is …

  1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    I hope the rings are large enough

    given this BBC news item.

    TL;DR: There were nine callouts involving "men with rings stuck on their penises" since April, it [London Fire Brigade] said.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: I hope the rings are large enough

      If you like it, shoulda put a ring on it.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I hope the rings are large enough

      The vacuum cleaner call-out was understandable - but a toaster?

    3. MrDamage

      Re: I hope the rings are large enough

      What a bunch of spanners.

      Don't they look lovely....umm, can someone call the fire brigade for me please? I seems to have, umm, slipped, yes slipped whilst fixing err something in the shed.

      I'll get my coat. It might hide the sight of my shame as I walk to the ambulance, now we just have to muffle the jangle.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: I hope the rings are large enough

        We had one in casualty who "sat on a crate of cucumbers to take off their trousers after they spilled oil down themselves, and the crate gave way and..." which, of course, prompted a call for a procession of specialists and second opinions. If they'd just said they lubed up a cucurbit and shoved it up their arse for thrillz and lulz, nobody would have batted an eyelid.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I hope the rings are large enough

          A girlfriend who was a nurse was used to A&E patients who had got a Babycham bottle stuck inside them. Sex Ed classes should teach that such an improvised toy needs a "shoulder" to stop it passing the point of no return.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I hope the rings are large enough

      There were nine callouts involving "men with rings stuck on their penises"

      So that's nine rings for mortal men, right? Certainly seems that in the darkness they got well and truly bound.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: I hope the rings are large enough

        And that single, angry, burning eye in the middle of it...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I hope the rings are large enough

          "And that single, angry, burning eye in the middle of it..."

          That would be the toaster. Still can't work out what someone would do with something of that ilk...

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: What would someone be doing with their knob in a toaster?

            The modern equivalent of putting a bun in the oven?

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: What would someone be doing with their knob in a toaster?

              Maybe they fancied a bit of hot crumpet?

  2. Alister Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    Limiting the sample size...

    "Couples who have been in a relationship for more than six months and who have intercourse at least twice a week".

    That should narrow things down a bit...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Limiting the sample size...

      I'd say 95% of married men need not apply.

      AC, as it's valentine's and ... well there's always hope, no matter how faint

      1. Martin Summers Silver badge

        Re: Limiting the sample size...

        "AC, as it's valentine's and ... well there's always hope, no matter how faint"

        Stop kidding yourself!

      2. Graham Dawson Silver badge

        Re: Limiting the sample size...

        I find it statistically unlikely that I'm typical of only 5% of the population.

        1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

          Re: Limiting the sample size...

          The salt is real.

  3. Don The Elder
    Mushroom

    The Elves hid in Scotland

    Elves were not immortal, just immune to natural death, or they would have been able to monopolize warfare by infinite reproduction, even if it took ten thousand years. That 's why they are now possibly extinct: too many Highlander scripts, followed by the last one racing on the A83!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: The Elves hid in Scotland

      It was a lack of elfin safety legislation in olden times.

    2. DNTP

      Ysgramor

      He killed all the elves. But not all of them, because some are still around.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ysgramor

        "But not all of them, because some are still around."

        That will be the Feegles then.

        The Terry Pratchett "autobiography" programme on BBC TV this week was very good.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Ysgramor

          That will be the Feegles then.

          We have one of those at home. He's a ginger-and-white half-Siamese, about 10 years old and the boss of the cats[1].

          [1] Although our senior female (called Kelda) somewhat disputes that. And she's bigger than him.

  4. Your alien overlord - fear me

    As Bernard Manning was reputed to have said - it's not the size that matters but the weight behind it !!!!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Or the weight of the millions of pounds (dollars) behind it.

  5. TRT Silver badge

    Well I can't help but think...

    this catchy little number.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A study entitled "Am I Normal?" whereby you are asked to put a foreign object around your penis and measure pleasure whilst having intercourse. Seems legit.

    The 6 weeks is a tad confusing, because 2 times 6 is 12 and 20 is the maximum plus there is no allowance for when the painters are in depending on your partners preference to such things which then questions why it's only heterosexual couples.

    I think the assumption by the study that the pleasure of sexual intercourse can be measured depending on genitalia and length is wrong, as surely the pleasure of a sexual encounter is mostly psychological rather than physical.

    I also thought elves were into jewels not rings and what do they call the rings in this study? Ring piece?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "[...] as surely the pleasure of a sexual encounter is mostly psychological rather than physical."

      The state of mind plays a big part in enhancing the effect but I suspect the dopamine high on its own is enough for many people. Obviously the state of mind can have a negative effect on erection capabilities.

      It's probably like pain. The nerves cannot be stopped from producing their effect - but the state of mind can attenuate or accentuate the feelings.

    2. MrDamage

      > "which then questions why it's only heterosexual couples"

      Because a strap-on has no nerve endings perhaps?*

    3. eldakka Silver badge

      I think the assumption by the study that the pleasure of sexual intercourse can be measured depending on genitalia and length is wrong,

      They make no such assumption:

      to measure the relationship between satisfaction and depth of penetration during sexual intercourse.

      A perfectly valid result of measuring the relationship is that there is no relationship. That is exactly what they are trying to find out, is there a relationship, and if so what is it?

  7. Martin Summers Silver badge

    "Anyone throwing their hat into the ring will be pleased to know that they're allowed to withdraw at any time."

    I would assume someone wouldn't get very far with the study if they didn't do the first and did the latter too soon.

    1. Sampler

      Better too soon then to pull out too late...

      1. eldakka Silver badge

        @Sampler:

        Better too soon then to pull out too late...

        Why is pulling out too late bad?

        1. Martin Summers Silver badge

          "Why is pulling out too late bad?"

          If you don't already know then you're going to find out the hard way!

  8. Stumpy

    Finish in six weeks?

    What, are they trying to recruit Sting or something? I'm normally lucky to finish in six minutes!

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Unless the ring is more like a plate with a hole - then it is going to act as a labial, if not clitoral, stimulus.

    Unless a ring is quite tight then it will be displaced. So the tightness will constrict the blood flow out of the penis - which could introduce new factors.

    It would be interesting how they are going to evaluate the control conditions for such unintended consequences.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      They would supply a number of them, presumably...

      at least enough to last the duration of the trial. So you wear all 24 at once and you're ribbed for her pleasure.

    2. Sykowasp

      I was imagining one of those lampshade things that dogs wear...

  10. flearider

    ffs

    anyone over 45 knows it's not the size of your knob that matters it's how fast your tongue is ..

    intercourse is for afters :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ffs

      Given the amount of variation in the size of various body parts - what is the distribution for tongues projecting past the lips?

      Google and Wikipedia almost ignore the subject for humans.

    2. Eddy Ito Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: ffs

      Hey if you're over 45 and still that flexible, more power to ya!

    3. Baldy50

      Re: ffs

      When she says OK go on then! Not too ruff I'm trying to check my e-mail, knock my glasses off and I'll....

      Hang on I had to edit, how can a guy get a ring stuck on it, just think of something horrible or a pic of your gran and it'll shrivel! Hence the removal of said item would be easy unless a certain drug was involved, I guess?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: ffs

        "[...] just think of something horrible or a pic of your gran and it'll shrivel! "

        The pressure of too tight a ring physically stops the blood leaving. It constitutes a serious medical emergency as the flesh becomes deprived of oxygen.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So this is what is called...

    A wedding ring? Does it get engraved like the one depicted at the top of the story?

    So little time, so many...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So this is what is called...

      Let's see, it's a four ring circus so there's engagement ring, wedding ring, oh, I think that is one of the final two rings so it's either the nose ring or the suffer ring. If there's a penis ring these days they've clearly taken the suffer part up a notch.

  12. Andy 97

    Respect..

    ..to the team that obtained funding for this 'study'.

    I wished I'd stayed in academia, it's much more fun than all this real stuff.

  13. hatti

    Apres ski

    I think the apres questionnaire is a poor substitute for a cigarette and something of a passion killer to boot.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Apres ski

      It's a paper questionnaire. After all, the penis mightier than the sword.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Apres ski @TRT

        After all, the penis is mightier than the sword.

        You reckon? If there's to be a duel, and I've got a steel sword, but you're only toting your pork sword, I think I know which will shortly be rolling across the floor...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Homophobic, much?

    "Specifically, they are aiming to recruit heterosexual couples..."

    Penetration counts as well as girth.

  15. Sleep deprived

    It's 2017 and this ring has no Bluetooth or wifi?

    Frankly, and even more so in the Reg, I'd have expected some Fitbit-like connected ring providing real-time telemetry (moisture, movement, vibration, temperature, etc.). And (piezo/thermo) self-powered too!

  16. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    So this could be regarded as research into feelings of insecurity

    Otherwise known as: Penetration Testing

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