back to article Did webcam 'performer' offer support chap payment in kind?

Welcome again to a festive edition of On-Call, the column in which readers send stories of jobs gone bad and we sanitise them for general consumption. We usually appear on Fridays, but the On-Call inbox is bulging, there's sod-all news to write this week and so we're doing it daily this week to spread some Christmas cheer. …

  1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Had to do some work on a female client's PC - but her brother downloaded some pr0nz and did not delete it, which made me quite uncomfortable...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I was asked to recover some data from a female clients PC - which was largely corrupted images and video files.

      All of it was pr0n and all of it was hers. She had a very eclectic set of tastes.

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: work on a woman's PC.

        "It was too much like my gramma relating her sexploits."

        An elderly neighbour had a long term lover until she reached 84 - and then he was starting to get a bit too frail. When she died just short of 100 she left a daily diary. Her daughter set herself the task of deciphering the juicy bits written in a form of Pitman shorthand.

        The post-war Baby Boomers became teenagers/adults in the liberalising 1960/70s. They are now your "grandparents" - but are generally more healthy and physically active than previous or subsequent generations.

        As you get older you find that your inner mental identity remains relatively fixed at some earlier age. It is particularly mirrors that remind you your face is leading the decline into physical old age.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Only that

    A former co-worker pair (a long time ago) was fired for putting the bill for ladies of negotiable affection on their expenses.

    Officially it was for tax reasons although it was never explained if they provided receipts...

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Only that

      >ladies of negotiable affection

      That's one of my favourite euphemisms, as far as I know coined by Terry Pratchett.

      1. Peter2 Silver badge

        Re: Only that

        I saw an old, somewhat rusted sign up on a wall at a more or less disused ex military airfield retained for Air Cadets to do gliding at about 20 years ago over what used was probably one the officers mess. It stated:-

        ladies of negotiable virtue are not permitted on the premises.

        -by order <the base CO>.

        That took a few seconds to sink in at the age of ~14! I would think that Terry Pratchet probably saw a similar sign somewhere and popularised it.

      2. Youngone Silver badge

        Re: Only that

        >ladies of negotiable affection

        Nah, my Dad called them that in the 1970's. I had no idea what he meant until many years later.

      3. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

        Re: Only that

        I think "The Street of Negotiable Affection" appears in Sir Terry Pratchett's [The Colour of Magic] which was published in 1983 - the red light district of the fantasytown of the moment. The story's tourist takes a lot of fairly innocent pictures there but his portrait-box consequently runs out of flesh-tone paint.

    2. alain williams Silver badge

      Re: Only that

      Did he pay them with a small donation ?

  3. 0laf Silver badge

    Love a good pr0n investigation

    Especially when it's someone high up.

    I had to fix the PC of the MD of a car dealership which was riddled with bugs and running slow. Turned out he had a predilection for an particular anal sex website which was downloading crap onto his PC. He being the boss, machine was cleaned up and nothing said.

    another senior manager within another company was investigated when her laptop started showing popups for shemale and granny pr0n. I had to investigate and found out she'd let her teenage son use the laptop at home. Would have liked to have heard that conversation when she got home.

    1. TonkaToys
      Coat

      Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

      "anal sex website which was downloading crap"...

      Ha, I see what you did there.

    2. NorthernCoder
      Coat

      Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

      "a good pr0n investigation"

      Is that like an in-depth analysis?

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

        "Is that like an in-depth analysis?"

        Probing deeply in to the nether regions of the PC?

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

          Got in via a back-door.

          1. Triggerfish

            Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

            Tech at work on the road all the time stuck in hotels. Opened up his laptop to show female CEO something, turns out the laptop had just gone to sleep with the lid closing, and so burst into life with the porn he had been playing the night before.

            He went bright red, panicked and ran out of the building, the CEO just laughed.

    3. Chez

      Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

      Back in my helldesk days, had a desktop come in that was "running slow". I arrived right after it did, so I got there in time to see the porn splashscreen. Then the porn wallpaper, cycling through an unknown number of images. At some point, a porn screensaver. Shortcuts to porn sites splashed all over the desktop. At one point, something particularly nasty popped up and the female helpdesk tech just got up and walked out.

      The computer was dubbed "The Pornado", and with time and retellings, has passed into the department annals.

      1. W4YBO

        Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

        "into the department annals."

        Is that spelled correctly?

        1. katrinab Silver badge

          Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

          Yes

          http://www.dictionary.com/browse/annal

          1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

            Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

            "Yes

            http://www.dictionary.com/browse/annal"

            http://www.urbandictionary.com/an. . . err, forget it.

      2. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

        That's the one you don't hand back to the user and keep around for when manglement show up demanding why they need to pay you so much.

        The worst such case I've encountered is when I was asked to sort out a friend's PC after her son had been using it and managed to infest it with crapware - to find a rather large set of explicit pictures onboard, many featuring another friend's daughter.

        Some things you just absolutely wish there was mind bleach for.

    4. Vic

      Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

      He being the boss, machine was cleaned up and nothing said.

      I had a customer a while back that suffered repeated malware infections. They all came from the machine in the boss's office.

      We ended up building him a dedicated Linux machine for his porn surfing - it was much cheaper that way...

      Vic.

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

      I had to investigate and found out she'd let her teenage son use the laptop at home.

      The great thing about having a teenage son is being able to blame such things on them. ;)

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

        Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

        Talk about looking as guilty as a puppy next to a pile of poo... plausible deniability is just priceless.

      2. Dazed and Confused Silver badge

        Re: Love a good pr0n investigation

        > The great thing about having a teenage son is being able to blame such things on them. ;)

        Is that like when politicians claim that having a husband explains why they are claiming for porn vids on their expenses?

  4. TonkaToys

    Oops

    The PA to one of our board directors once downloaded some very naughty pictures of young men and decided to share it with her fellow secretaries around the company. Unfortunately for her, she accidentally emailed it to all the directors of the company instead.

    Cue me frantically dashing around the company with her opening people's mailboxes and deleting the message.

    1. Known Hero

      Re: Oops

      Best story of them all, a bit of good natured fun goes awry and somebody helps them out of their predicament !!!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oops

      Some my female colleagues in the 1990s were very vocal about any female "pin up" on their male colleagues' desks. However - they thought it perfectly ok to display a postcard from someone's holiday with the subject being a Greek/Roman "Priapus".

      1. networkboy

        Re: Oops

        Some my female colleagues in the 1990s were very vocal about any female "pin up" on their male colleagues' desks. However - they thought it perfectly ok to display a postcard from someone's holiday with the subject being a Greek/Roman "Priapus".

        Got to love those double standards eh?

        On topic of helldesk, I've *never* understood why people think browsing for this crap at work on on work PCs is okay... Boggles my mind.

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: Oops

          Some my female colleagues in the 1990s were very vocal about any female "pin up" on their male colleagues' desks. However - they thought it perfectly ok to display a postcard from someone's holiday with the subject being a Greek/Roman "Priapus".

          Got to love those double standards eh?

          I have pointed this out in the workplace, the ladies bought me a copy of Nutz to read.

    3. Mark 110 Silver badge

      Re: Oops

      I have told this story a number of times before but its worth repeating.

      A girl in the PMO was working from home and instead of emailing the monthly report to the entire project organisation (couple of hundred people) she attached a picture of her naked breasts taken on the laptop camera . . .

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Oops

        One of my friends is a teacher, a colleague of hers, a not unattractive female teacher in her mid to late 20's, once left a USB pen drive on her desk, in a class full of teenagers. Sure enough it vanished at some point during the day. But she didn't report it at the time for, because of its erm content. (I'm sure you can guess what type of pics were on there).

        Anyway over the next few days, it was obvious something was going on with the kids at school (a secondary), more sniggering than usual while the kids were showing their phones around etc.

        Eventually one of the teachers confiscated a phone in mid use, whist pupils were looking at pics of the said teacher in various poses. Turns out of course they were all passing the pictures around, and had been for a few days, and it turned out some of the parents found out as well.

        She got suspended for two weeks, with pay, followed by a light telling off.

        Even my friend (a female teacher) said if it had of been a male teacher, he'd have most likely been sacked immediately as a minimum, whereas she got off with basically some free holiday time, and a bit of embarrassment!

        1. DavCrav Silver badge

          Re: Oops

          "Even my friend (a female teacher) said if it had of been a male teacher, he'd have most likely been sacked immediately as a minimum, whereas she got off with basically some free holiday time, and a bit of embarrassment!"

          Nowadays, the children could, and probably would, have been arrested under revenge porn legislation...

        2. Dazed and Confused Silver badge

          Re: Oops

          > a not unattractive female teacher

          As a teenager I was a very keen photographer. One lesson our teacher hadn't shown up and we had a relief teacher who just let us sit there and read. So I was reading through an article in Amateur Photographer, when suddenly the teacher came straight up to me and confiscated the magazine.

          "You can have that back after school"

          I was a little bemused, but found something else to occupy my time. After school I went to the staffroom to fetch my magazine back. Later that evening I think I realised why it had been taken away by this particular teacher. There was a lovely series of photos of her topless posing with some butterflies. I'd never have noticed it was her if she'd not brought it to my attention.

        3. Trixr

          Re: Oops

          People like to sh*t over Exchange for some reason (metaphorically speaking), but I have had plenty of cause to be grateful there's a single-line command that can yoink that kind of thing out of every mailbox in the organisation.

      2. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Re: Oops

        A girl in the PMO was working from home and instead of emailing the monthly report to the entire project organisation (couple of hundred people) she attached a picture of her naked breasts taken on the laptop camera . . .

        Friends of mine used to run a fairly upmarket restaurant with a large mailing list of customers. Friends' 20-ish daughter had her nipples pierced one day, and then after an evening in the pub with her mates decided to use the flatbed scanner and send the image to her boyfriend. Drunken finger trouble ensued, and my friends awoke to find a considerable amount of not very impressed replies from their customers.

  5. Adam 52 Silver badge

    Would wandering hands Andy have felt up Larry in accounts? So why is it acceptable to grope someone just because of what they do for a living?

    1. Known Hero

      Oh I don't know, same way if you met a wrestler or a boxer, it would be acceptable to much around a little.

      Kinda like same way whenever I ever visit somebody it's acceptable to sit me down to fix shit

      1. Adam 52 Silver badge

        Yeah, right. So when you go to fix Tyson Fury's webcam you're going to casually chuck in an unannounced left hook on the way out? Good luck with that

        1. Known Hero

          Wow adam52, nice way to try and slew the whole conversation, to your favour. Lets review what your describing as an analogy.

          The "unannounced left hook" you described in relation to the first situation describes rape, and no actually I wouldn't believe it or not.

          But while there your chatting and he shows you a few moves and yeah you have a little tussle. That is almost considered a normal healthy interest in something out of the ordinary.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Funny come back but your original point is moot as you weren't there and neither was I. I'm guessing Andy wouldn't have attempted his flirt had the situation not warranted it. However if getting offended for other people is your thing then go for it.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            It was unprofessional and unnecessary.

            Some years back I did webdesign for quite a number of "Ladies of Negotiable Affections" and one of the main reasons they kept returning to me for more work was that I didn't "expect freebies" or try it on with them. Apparently most of the time, when people know what they do, any small task is expected to be repaid with a freebie. I always made the point that I expected to be paid in cash.

            However, there were those times when it was offered as an extra that would have been rude to refuse - ahem!

            Ah, those were the days...

            1. Dave 126 Silver badge

              >one of the main reasons they kept returning to me for more work was that I didn't "expect freebies" or try it on with them.

              Exactly. If you are professional, warmly courteous and reasonably groomed (which some folk consider an extension of courtesy), ladies who are so inclined may take the initiative. If the ladies are not so inclined, then trying it won't get you anywhere anyway.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Some years back I did webdesign for quite a number of "Ladies of Negotiable Affections" ... I always made the point that I expected to be paid in cash.

              Did you ask for cash up front?

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                > Did you ask for cash up front?

                50% upfront, 50% on completion.

                The few times "extras" were offered were usually a little while later when they had benefited from the - ahem - extra exposure and were very grateful and happy. I didn't always accept, but there were one or two who were so... ahem, anyway where was I...

            3. Potemkine Silver badge

              Politeness

              However, there were those times when it was offered as an extra that would have been rude to refuse - ahem!

              A Gentleman never asks and never refuses ^^

            4. Alan Brown Silver badge

              "However, there were those times when it was offered as an extra that would have been rude to refuse - ahem!"

              BTDT, refused and been respected all the more because of it.

    2. Dave 126 Silver badge

      > So why is it acceptable to grope someone just because of what they do for a living?

      As he described it, it was an accident. I did the same a month ago, hugging (and being hugged by) a friend goodbye - she was wearing a backpack and so to complete the gesture my hand had to be lower on her back than it normally would be, accidentally brushed her bum on the way to the small of her back. In no way could it have been mistaken for a grope, a grab or a slap, and she didn't appear to notice - even though I felt a small, inward pang of embarrassment.

      It's no fun for me to touch any part of a woman she doesn't want me to touch, but if you're respectful and not bad looking many a woman may grab your hand and place it on her body. The thrill is in her expression of intent more than the tactile feeling. Intent is important.

      Hugs don't always go smoothly - if I have facial stubble, it will sometimes catch on a woman's hair and pull some strands towards me as we part.

      Then there is there is the question of whether to do two cheek kisses (the norm in France, Spain and other countries) or just one... we just have to go by context, and most of the time we get it right. Abashed giggles on both sides is usually the result if we don't. In some contexts, friends will kiss each other on the lips; I don't instigate it but some women (and men from some cultures) will.

      We're strange creatures.

      1. Jamesit

        "He tried a goodbye hug during which he “accidentally had a hand a little low”"

        "Accidentally" on purpose, He copped a feel.

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          >"He tried a goodbye hug during which he “accidentally had a hand a little low”"

          >>"Accidentally" on purpose, He copped a feel.

          That very well may have been what happened. However, we can't infer it beyond doubt from the account that we have been given. M'lud.

          It does seem that he should be docked style points for hugging a client just because of her line of work (though it might have been that her character and body language caused a young man to misread a situation), but to deliberately read his 'accidentally' as 'accidentally on purpose' doesn't prove a thing.

          1. AceRimmer

            "but to deliberately read his 'accidentally' as 'accidentally on purpose' doesn't prove a thing."

            The article strongly implies it was on purpose by through the use of the quote.. i.e. his words, not mine / nudge nudge, wink, wink/ you know what I mean

            He tried a goodbye hug during which he “accidentally had a hand a little low”,

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            My impression from the story was that the young lady was naked at the time, so any kind of hug was likely to raise problems.

            1. Old Handle

              It also strongly implies the naked thank-you hug was her idea and he was a bit uncomfortable with it. It's possible he none-the-less tried to get in a feel, but that wasn't the impression I got.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I got a laptop in to look at "running slow and keyboard not working sometimes" fairly recently from a local friendly lady customer, and it was obvious the source of its sickness was spyware. In fact the keyboard issue was two keyloggers fighting each other for control, and it went on to have a further 265 spyware/malware/virii infections. Its related to this because we reckoned the primary source of it was webcam sites, especially as it managed to sign on to a local neighboring wifi point despite the wifi being disabled according to the icon, and attempt to solicit some business from me while I was working on it from a camgirl apparently on first name terms with her brother.

    There wasn't even a attempt to hide the use though, even the desktop was covered with pictures of of her brother in awkward positions, very bizarre.

    We just removed the problem and sent it back with a note not to return it for work again...

    1. fgeva

      What are virii infections?

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        >What are virii infections?

        A piece of foreign matter stuck under the 'i' key on the keyboard, obviously!

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

          Oh tomato tohmahto... check 10 websites for the virii / viruses thing and get 12 answers.

          1. Stevie Silver badge

            Re: Oh tomato tohmahto..

            Or ... take the time to learn Latin and speak with authority not predicated on some anonymous un-peer-reviewed garbage scraped from one place and replicated all over the web.

            No, I don't speak Latin. But neither do I bust someone's chops because they know more about it than I do, and I don't make fatuous appeals to popularity by citing anything on teh intarwebz.

            1. John H Woods Silver badge

              Re: Oh tomato tohmahto..

              viridae is probably the word you were looking for ;-) but come on, it's all a bit of a laugh, isn't it?

            2. Glenturret Single Malt

              Re: Oh tomato tohmahto..

              There are some words that just don't go well with the -i plural ending. After a little bit of research using a crossword solver, I think that it has a lot to do with the last couple of letters before -us. Some word endings are found commonly in Latin and even made up names (like plant names) that have such endings suit an -i plural. Even so, the -uses plural sounds just as good to me in many cases.

              The majority of -us words (nouns) seem to be more suited to the -i plural. Here are some that I think are not:

              virus, chorus, hiatus, omnibus (and bus, of course), rhombus, phallus, isthmus, tetanus, grampus, octopus (YES), papyrus, quietus, hibiscus, meniscus and platypus.

          2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            "Oh tomato tohmahto."

            You miss-spelled the second fruit, although it doesn't matter since they both sound the same :-)

        2. Old Handle

          It could be argued that virii is valid as a "humorous" or jargon plural in a computer context, much like boxen. As I understand it, the original Latin word was uncountable and meant something along the lines of miasma (but wetter), so it's not like there's specific correct way to pluralize it.

          But I do object to "virii infections". You wouldn't say "diseases infections", so that shouldn't have been plural in the first place.

  7. GlenP Silver badge

    Only Once...

    Found inappropriate material when working on a user laptop. I was archiving the data anyway since he'd left the company so I just dropped it on to a DVD and handed it to HR.

    I did have to threaten an assistant with the sack for sending "blue" jokes to customers back when I worked for a small computer company. Yes, they were funny, no, they weren't too risqué but if they'd been sent to the wrong person they'd have caused a lot of trouble.

    Glen

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There used to be a search site called "hotbot". Several people had to ring the firewall team to explain that it was a typo that had just caused them to access the "hotboy" web site.

    1. Purple-Stater

      A couple decades back, when there weren't many sources for little computer odds and ends, and I had made a couple purchases of kit from a mail order company called CyberGuys, via a catalog.

      One day at work, on my lunch break, I decided to check out their website and discovered, due to poor memory, that there was an entire universe of difference between cyberguys.com (PC parts) and cyberdudes.com (people parts).

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      There's still a gay porn website called "hotmale.com".

  9. TRT Silver badge

    At a FE college...

    we were suspicious of one student who used the LC475 lab on his own when the other suites were full of brand new Power PC based macs. So we networked in to view his browser cache folder. In real time we watched him downloading page after page of Disney smut. He was dragged in to the dean's office for a talking to, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. If you are going to jeopardise your education and hence career it might as well be for something more... potent... shall we say, than a drawing of Snow White with her boob out, pleasuring an anatomically inaccurate Thumper the rabbit.

    1. Chris King Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: At a FE college...

      One guy used to brows certain porn sites in Lynx... On a VMS box. He never downloaded anything, but apparently just got off on the text.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: At a FE college...

        "[...] but apparently just got off on the text."

        It is said that the written, or even spoken, word is better for fiction. The mind is usually far more imaginative and tuned to the reader's tastes/experiences than could be produced in pictures.

      2. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

        Re: At a FE college...

        "I only read it for the articles, honest. Actually I read in on links/lynx/w3m"

        Actually good old Usenet still has very active (and quite steamy) non-binary groups, with less-than-SFW stories sometimes several thousand lines long... allegedly. My teenage son told me about it, yadda yadda yadda

    2. James O'Shea Silver badge

      Re: At a FE college...

      Ah, Disney porn... The office's operational area extends as far north as Orlando, so we cover Walt... ah, Orange, County. it's amazing what some in the Land of the Mouse will put on their computers. I don't know which is worse, the Disney porn where the perp thinks that Bambi is a girl or the Disney porn where the perp knows that Bambi is a guy. And then there's the Lilo and Stitch porn. And the Mowgli and Baloo porn. And the Ariel and Melody porn. And, in one memorable case, the guy Bambi, Ariel and Melody porn. Note that any porn involving Lilo, Mowgli or Melody would be, by definition, kiddie porn...

      If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you don't know how lucky you are. The House of Mouse is very aware, and so are those of us who have to cleans things up.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: At a FE college...

        When VHS tape hire shops first took off in the UK there was no BBFC classification of videos - so soft pr0n was available. One contained some short cartoons produced in the early days of Disney by staff animators for their colleagues' amusement. One might say that Mickey Mouse and pals weren't so innocent out-of-hours.

        The Disney animated film "Sleeping Beauty" used the bowdlerised children's version of the fairy tale. In the original it wasn't a kiss that woke her.

        http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/12/the-real-story-behind-eve_n_4239730.html

        Incidentally the BBC have recently broadcast a two part documentary on Walt Disney that is worth watching. It is interesting that some of his most iconic animated films were regarded as flops when they were originally released.

        1. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

          Re: At a FE college...

          I'm pretty certain that it *is* a kiss that wakes sleeping beauty in the original story, unless there's an alternate version in part two of the original Brothers Grimm, or you've a source prior to Grimm.

          1. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: At a FE college...

            "or you've a source prior to Grimm."

            I'd say the former.

            Those tales pre-Grimm didn't have happy endings or happy middles.

            The Grimms did a LOT of cleaning up and reworking of tales which originally made it clear that the world was a big bad _dangerous_ place where you needed to be on your toes and _nobody_ was on your side.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: At a FE college...

            " or you've a source prior to Grimm."

            The Grimm version is close in plot to the earlier Charles Perrault's story - which is itself presumed to have been based on the more gritty Giambattista Basile’s "SUN, MOON, AND TALIA". Basile was a collector of Italian folk tales.

            http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/type0410.html

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: At a FE college...

        "I don't know which is worse, the Disney porn where the perp thinks that Bambi is a girl or the Disney porn where the perp knows that Bambi is a guy. "

        Even more confusion is possible in the new animated film "Sausage Party" - as the characters are all various items of food in a supermarket.

        It has caused some consternation over the cinema classification in different countries. Surprisingly a "15" in the UK - a controversial "12" in France - and an uncontroversial "11" in Sweden which means "7 if with an adult". Canada varies by state - from "14A" to "18A".

        NSFW?

        https://www.theguardian.com/film/2016/aug/22/sausage-party-animation-kids-rating-sweden-seth-rogen-evan-goldberg

        1. MrRimmerSIR!

          Sausage Party

          Absolutely terrible film, unless you're a 14 year old if only because it could have been so much more.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I have a mate who works as a plumber...

    .. and he once attended a house with a broken boiler. A young woman greeted him and showed him through to where the boiler was. She hadn't taken any pains to close her bedroom door, and he couldn't help but notice a range of sex toys on her bed.

    "Ah yeah, I make money by doing sex cams on the internet... but please don't think that's all I am, I'm studying to be a counsellor"

    "Really" he replied "what kind? Jungian, CBT, transactional analysis or.."

    "Jungian. You seem to know a lot about it for a plumber"

    "We'll I'm a qualified counsellor - it's just that I can make more money as a plumber."

    "Hehe, then I'm sorry for judging for you! Cheers!"

    1. Robin

      Re: I have a mate who works as a plumber...

      Thought that was going to turn into a Robin Askwith-style "Confessions of a Jungian Counselor" film plot.

    2. brotherelf
      Coat

      Re: I have a mate who works as a plumber...

      Trying to learn about cognitive behavioural therapy online may be what got her into the business in the first place.

      1. BinkyTheMagicPaperclip Silver badge

        Re: I have a mate who works as a plumber...

        Possibly easy than making a living riding bikes or teaching people to use Word.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: I have a mate who works as a plumber...

          Jungian? No. NLP. NeuroLinguistic Programming. What about you?

          I practise CLP.

          CLP?

          CunniLinguistic Pleasuring.

          *boom chikka wa wa*

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I once...

    Had to go to a CEOs office to work out why his hard disk was full to bursting.

    After spending about 10 minutes with Treesize I found about 50GB of hardcore gay porn.

    It took about an hour to skittishly explain why, without directly referring to, a huge porn collection had clogged his drive.

    I basically explained that he should archive his personal photos and videos to an external drive.

    To this day I'm not sure the guy is aware that I found it.

    However, he did offer me insane cash to do it for him. I told him I didnt have time and that I don't usually get involved in personal data matters.

    I do often wonder if his wife knows though.

    Another uncomfortable scenario...not really porn related...was when the same CEO arrived at the office after cycling in the pissing rain, he promptly took off his wet cycling attire to dry off and summoned a few of us in for a meeting regarding the IT budget. Much to our dismay he was reclined on his couch in his boxers towelling off with his cock and balls hanging out of his shorts slouching off the edge of his seat.

    I looked to my left and the bloke next to me was looking directly at me probably for the same reason I looked at him with a look of "am I really seeing this guys bollocks?" on his face.

    For an hour we had to sit there and try to have a serious conversation.

    I nearly caused the other IT chap to have a stroke when I took the opportunity to respond to the CEO making a quip about someone opening a viral attachment by looking my IT colleague directly in the eyes with the comment "what a bell end".

    I honestly thought the guy was going to pass out. His face was amazing...like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

    Ive never seen someone put so much effort into keeping a straight face. He battled so hard he broke out in a fierce sweat. With a vein popping out of his forehead.

    The CEO then reached for the aircon remote while looking at him saying "is it a bit warm in here for you?" which my colleague followed up with...in the squeakiest voice ever..."it doesnt look like it".

    The CEO then dismissed us and said to the other chap, "you'd best go home you're looking a bit peaky".

    Man oh man.

    1. AIBailey

      Re: I once...

      I nearly caused the other IT chap to have a stroke

      I really hope that's just a figure of speech in this instance....

    2. Hollerithevo Silver badge

      Re: I once...

      You don't think the CEO with his tackle 'accidentally' out didn't have it out as 'accidentally' as that feel was copped (see above)?

  12. Ogi

    I had a similar experience with a (suspected) lady of negotiable affections

    So while doing side jobs as a student in Oxfordshire, I was called out to repair a webcam. Ended up going to a tidy apartment on the outskirts of Oxford where the webcam (facing the bed) had stopped working. Whoever installed the webcam ran the cable into the nearby cupboard, so I asked her if I could open it to have a look.

    She got a bit embarrassed, but I explained to her that the computer was most likely in there, and to fix the problem I will have to have a look in the cupboard, so she relented.

    The cupboard was opened, and I was exposed to a whole range of erotica. We are talking cat suits, whips, cuffs, all kinds of heels, including some fetching studded knee length high heeled boots, strap ons, the full monty. I had never seen such a collection of sex toys and tools before.

    The girl really looked sheepish, so I broke the ice and complemented her on her taste, after that she relaxed a bit. Fixed the webcam, and got talking.

    Out of courtesy I didn't ask her exactly what she did for a living, but I could hazard a guess and she implied as such. The most memorable thing I remember is her telling me that after a couple of years renting that flat, she had earned enough to buy a massive house down the road for cash, and was moving out soon.

    This was a woman who was 23 years old at the time, I could not even imagine renting, let alone buying such a house mortgage free. Indeed, 10 years later here I am, struggling for afford a mortgage on a tiny hovel of a flat, thinking maybe I went into the wrong business.

    I do wonder what happened to her, if she settled down, and if she ever told her partner how she earned the money for that house all those years ago.

  13. IsJustabloke Silver badge
    Stop

    Andy sounds like a real peach...

    "He tried a goodbye hug during which he “accidentally had a hand a little low”, but earned only "

    Girl earns her living by taking her clothes off therefore is free to be groped at will by any passing stranger...

    Just like everyone "knows" that photographers who take pictures of women in various states of undress get paid in cash but always get a free blowjob.

    1. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: Andy sounds like a real peach...

      Interestingly the wording has been changed since.

      I agree, the original text did sound decidedly dodgy. Now it makes her sound like the villain of the piece. I expect the truth has been forgotten over the years.

    2. Potemkine Silver badge

      Re: Andy sounds like a real peach...

      "Girl earns her living by taking her clothes off therefore is free to be groped at will by any passing stranger..."

      Time travel is indeed possible, we've got here a commentard coming from the Middle Age right there.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In a similar vein (no pun intended)

    In the early days of iCloud and Photostream, I was once asked the question "how do I stop my photos appearing on my son's iPod?"

    You can probably guess the content...

  15. Alien8n Silver badge

    Neighbours

    Mentioned the work related ones so many times. But did have a neighbour ask for some help with his PC once. Just general virus infection, but his desktop photo was of his wife reclining naked somewhere in the wilderness (looked like the Peak District).

    Not really an issue, except they'd been retired a few years at this point and it looked like a recent photo...

  16. flokie

    A trophy for hypocrisy

    ...goes to a former colleague when I was working in a post sales call center. We had some test servers, and there were network shares that most of us had forgotten about. Until on a quiet day a workmate was having a peek around, and found that the #1 weirdo in the team was using the shares to store plenty of personal files.

    Not overly surprisingly, there were a few GBs of porn in several folders. Which would have been fairly unremarkable, if there hadn't been another folder with hundreds of .doc files. Most of the files contained lyrics to Christian hymns! My personal favourite though was sexshop.doc: a copy of a letter he and his missus sent to the city council, protesting against the proposed opening of a sexshop in town, as this went against all good Christian values etc..

    We didn't grass him up. I certainly didn't like the guy, but he never went out of his way to be a nuisance to me or the other colleagues. If he had, then he would have found out we knew about his porn stash.

    1. Jamesit

      Re: A trophy for hypocrisy

      "sexshop.doc: a copy of a letter he and his missus sent to the city council, protesting against the proposed opening of a sexshop in town, as this went against all good Christian values etc"

      The person doth protest too much.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All familiar

    The BDSM collection on a CEOs computer.

    The 'glam grannies' that an elderly gent liked looking at.

    The clients opening the door wearing limited attire.

    The sister-in-law's PC filled with midget porn.

    I've seen it all.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: All familiar

      "The sister-in-law's PC filled with midget porn."

      But have you caught a midget with sister-in-law porn?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: All familiar

        "But have you caught a midget with sister-in-law porn" "opening the door wearing limited attire"?

    2. Robert Carnegie Silver badge
      Joke

      "I've seen it all"

      It must have taken you quite a while.

  18. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Angel

    Pah!

    You lot have had it easy.

    Back in the day (a long time ago) as a young trainee electronics engineer I was the only male in a room of about 30 women ranging from early 20s to late 30s who were hand-wiring PCBs.

    The mildest comment I got was "I'm ready to be inspected and tested now." It was the longest month of my training.

    1. Triggerfish

      Re: Pah!

      Aaah yeah been in environments like that, once you get past the embarrasment and realistion that women have no limits on what they discuss, take notes, future girlfriends appreciate it

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pah!

      Young (male) computer operators in the 1960s had to run the gauntlet of young women if they were sent to deliver something to the punched card room supervisor. Their objective was to see how much they could cause him to blush.

      As a very junior programmer I shared an office with three women programmers - all in their twenties. Our computer runs were submitted in boxes. One of the women would keep her box on top of the cupboard opposite my desk. That meant she had to stretch on tip-toe to reach it. That was the era when her mini-skirts had reached the "pelmet" size. It took a while to stop my blushing.

      It was said she had dated all the best looking computer operators - but preferring shift leaders - and there was talk of what happened behind the tape decks on the night shift. She finally worked her way up to marrying a senior manager.

      1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Pah!

        Their objective was to see how much they could cause him to blush.

        A non-computer story in this vein: a friend's wife worked in Boots (the chemists) years ago. Late afternoon she would often get some teenage boys, still in school uniform, who would wait until the counter was quiet & grab a packet of condoms which they would proffer with payment, not saying a word.

        The girls used to take great delight in saying something like "Featherlite? Oh, you don't want those, the ribbed ones are much better" and then waving the packet in the air would call out down the shop "Jenny, aren't the ribbed ones nicer than these?".

        Cue exit of scarlet-faced teenager...

  19. ritey

    Register?

    Andy sounds like he should be on one.

  20. ma1010 Silver badge
    Pirate

    Inherited a pr0n computer

    A while back, I went to work as the "IT guy" at a medium sized business. My predecessor was the son of the Controller. The computer in my office was slow, buggy, infected with a browser hijacker (and many other nasties) and had a had drive chock full of pr0n. It was categorized, even, with categories including "bestiality."

    Of course, the install disks were missing, so I had to clean it up the hard way. First, delete the swags of pr0n, then spend a couple of days to disinfect the other nasties. Never mentioned it to anyone else at the company, though.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    VPN Follies

    Had a development team member who worked remotely from his home, and had a company server sat in the home office for some of the work he was doing. Naturally he elected to configure his router to permanently connect to the office VPN. Which would have been fine were he not also browsing porn during the working day and his browsing habits tripped an alert to the network security team. He was counselled, but never formally disciplined.and years later it was still a topic of conversation.

  22. Nolveys Silver badge
    Gimp

    I was on site once and was called over to a user's machine because it was running extremely slowly. It turned out that he had received an email containing "some_slutty_string_of_enticing_characters.avi.exe" and had decided to run it.

    A small group of people had gathered behind me and were watching what I was doing, though mostly what they were doing was gabbing with each other (I've never understood why this happens, I would think that watching me work would be like watching paint dry in slow motion). There was a vast amount of network traffic coming from the machine so I fired up wireshark. I immediately noticed that there was a torrent of smtp traffic (and no mail client running). I clicked on one of the packets at random and there it was. The way it come up made it plain as day for the entire group, which had come to include the business owner: "Preteen Deep Throats Horse Cock.avi.exe"

    The business owner and his brother were known for their extremely crude senses of humor, so the only consequences were gasps and laughter. Very luckily the malware hadn't opted to use the user's contact list.

  23. Clockworkseer

    I worked for one of those Computer recycling schemes back around the early 2000's, that took old civil service (employment service mostly) desktops and reloaded them for the "Computers within reach" scheme they had back then, were if you were on certain benefits, you could get a computer for £60 or thereabouts.

    My oddest memory is of finding a floppy disk in one of the drives in one of the 486's that we got sent (that we never used as we'd moved onto pentiums by that point) that had some anonymous civil servants complete set of musings, monographs, etc on how much he liked women in stockings, paying particular attention to a lady he spent some time with who may or may not have been his wife (in fairness, no way to tell either way.)

    Very little of it was actually 100% smutty, but it was just so well and articulately written that it bordered on art. Nameless civil servant, I salute your dedication to your interests, and occasionally wonder if you ever missed the disk you lost.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    in the late 90s i remember an email from IT that politely said something along the lines of "We like the Internet. We don't like pictures of people doing number 2s being emailed around the office. We have names. Please stop."

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As a young male of breeding age

    I believe it was Dilbert who likened our work to that of a salmon swimming upstream - but without the spawning possibilities.

  26. Cameron Colley

    Where to start?

    In a former job I used to sit next to a guy whose job it was to read all the dodgy SPAM which came in and compile a list of words and phrases to be blocked. He had to sit with his back to the fire escape so nobody else in the office could see. Nobody, that is, but the guy sitting next to him.

    Then there was the sudden ejaculation of "No! Nooooo!" from the security manager followed by a much quieter "Fisting school .com!?!?" which, apparently, was a favourite site of one of the lawyers.

    Nowadays I don't see all that just have a manager whom I've seen a video of her and her sister rubbing ice cubes onto their naked bodies together...

  27. Dr_N Silver badge

    Grabbing

    "But Andy had no relief. He tried a goodbye hug during which he “accidentally had a hand a little low”,

    Who knew Donald Trump moonlighted with a bit of IT support.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    We are all professionals

    As to expecting the webcam performer to give a little lagniappe, how many times have you been asked to look at someone's computer for free once they find out you do IT, or your doctor friend asked to look at a "suspicious" mole after introducing themselves?

  29. Raphael

    Back when I was an IT Student (at a certain campus on the Berea .... a few years before the Technikon had it's 2002 name change ... that should be vague enough to keep it anonymous), I was a student technician at the IT Computer labs (meaning we did all the grunt work of rebuilding pc's stuffed by first year students .... after some complete bastard changed the autoexec to ask them if they wanted to format the c drive.

    Anyway I digress, we had an Oracle server there (running on a solaris machine). Each 2nd and 3rd year (and BTech) student had their own user with their own DB running on it for their project work. The problem was that it was running out of space. So we were tasked to look at it. Turned out the Senior Lab Technician (a FTE) was using that machine to keep his porn stash....3/4 of the hard drive was packed full of it (the hdd was a monster for the time, can't remember the exact size, but considering I was able to purchase a massive 20GB ide hdd at about the same time, I think it was between 40GB and 60GB).

    This same Snr Lab Tech used to try save money, by not purchasing CPU fans and getting us to underclock the pcs. After the third melted motherboard, he finally let us order cpu fans for all the pcs

    There was another incident with him where we were having to shut down whole sections of the lab and do complete wipe and rebuild of the machine's to sort out a virus that was spreading all over the place in the lab (got lots of overtime for that). while we're busy working on it he comes and asks us if we'd seen an email that had the suggestive subject "The Real Story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". We cautiously responded in the affirmative. He then asked us what was in the attachment as despite trying it on most of the computers in the lab he couldn't get it to run......when we informed him that it was the source of the virus we were dealing with he, an Indian, turned completely white. We thanked him for the overtime.

  30. Herby Silver badge

    lady of negotiable affections...

    Well, everything is negotiable these days. For instance the dialog:

    Q: How about for $1,000,000?

    A: Of course.

    Q: How about for $0.25?

    A: What kind of lady do you thing I am?

    We know what kind of lady you are, we are just negotiating the price!

    Moral: The best things in life are "free".

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Expense Reports

    I once altered an official company expense report to alter, among other things, the "Entertainment" column to "Personal Entertainment Professionals". With suggestions for still more changes (like "breakfast" to "beer" from a friend, it was duly filled in under a false name, printed it, and submitted through channels to see what would happen. I couldn't see from my desk, but my friend (who could) reported the boss just shook her head, tossed it in the recycle bin, and moved on without missing a beat. In another case, work computer needed repair, and upon startup, it played a very racy sound clip, recorded by the user herself. We all wondered why she liked to listen to *herself*, but decided we didn't have to tell anybody, she can't claim to have sexually harassed herself, after all. Then there was the infamous "Anna Kournikova nude photos" virus that went around one workplace after an employee foolishly took the click-bait and opened the attachment supposedly containing the steamy imagery. Eventually tracked to a very embarrassed female employee who claimed she didn't even read the subject line and just clicked on the file automatically. Officially, management had to accept it or risk legal trouble, so they gave her the standard lecture about attachment awareness and NOT doing exactly what she claimed to have done. Unofficially, I don't think she convinced many people it was negligence instead of curiousness. Anonymous to protect the guilty.

  32. John 61

    adverts for webcam girls

    used to be on (a few years back) the Job Centre+ website 'til complaints got them removed. Going rate was £20 per hour which was more than double the min wage at the time. In some cases these "vacancies" paid even more. As another poster said about the 23 year old student getting the big house...

    1. John 61
      Facepalm

      Re: adverts for webcam girls

      Put double in the original post, logged out, left it too late. Should read triple.

      Stupid boy.

  33. lansalot

    even worse..

    My friend asked me to look at her dad's PC and dropped it off. He'd left a DVD in the drive, which duly spun into action with lesbian porn.

    Opening a beer, I decided to take a well deserved break from my IT investigations. As the can reached my lips, performer #1 crouched above #2 and let loose.... well... a #2.

    Beer down, computer off, knocked on door, "sorry, nothing I can do with this one!"

  34. trevorde

    Remembered for all the wrong reasons

    Many years ago I worked for a company and knew the sysadmin quite well. He told me how he'd had to do some maintenance on one of the salesman's laptops. Out of curiosity, he looked through his IE cache. From that moment on, the salesman was referred to as 'Mr Bestial'.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I used to work for a company which provided assistance for the mentally disabled. This company ran group homes, and each home had an office where the staff and supervisor for each home could write up reports and other administrative things. These machines had a dial up internet connection and email. My job was to manage the machines, which were (unfortuantely) the cheapest consumer grade machines we could find, or ancient machines that could barely do the work they were bought for.

    I had to assist HR at least once with capturing a machine and performing forensics to determine what people were doing on the machines instead of their jobs.. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as what's been described previously here, but there was an expectation that the overnight staff wouldn't be sitting on a computer in an adult chat room instead of monitoring their charges.

    I won't go into the number of destroyed machines I had to deal with because said charges managed to get a hold of them- thankfully the number was only a single digit in the ~2 years I was there.

    Anon to protect my current paycheck.

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019