back to article Queen Lizzie awarded good behaviour medal

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second has been awarded the Long Service and Good Conduct medal for 65 years' military service without a criminal record. The news of Her Maj's gong, along with a similar one for her hubby Prince Philip, was rolled out in a government statement. Previously awarded to non-commissioned …

  1. wolfetone Silver badge
    Joke

    Is there anything this woman can't do?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Dissolve parliament when government wants to act Undemocratically, apparently.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "Dissolve parliament when government wants to act Undemocratically, apparently."

        IIRC - technically she can - and it would precipitate a constitutional crisis.

        1. S4qFBxkFFg
          Go

          "precipitate a constitutional crisis"

          Excellent things, constitutional crises - they make for amusing new articles as the hacks get flustered over things that will affect them little, and their readers even less. Also, it keeps MPs and Lords busy instead of them trying to fill their time by passing unwanted and unnecessary legislation.

          1. AndyS

            Actually I suspect a constitutional crisis consisting of the monarch attempting to sack the government would, in fact, impact our daily lives quite significantly. Who knows how - most likely there would be a very severe recession (perhaps even making the pending Brexit mess look like a cake walk). It would certainly be more, uh, entertaining than "Does the media have a right to see Prince Charles' letters," for example.

            1. Dan 55 Silver badge

              Belgium and Spain seem to have survived.

          2. LeeE Silver badge

            Constitutional crises? When did they replace the Billiard's table in the officer's mess with a Pool table?

            1. Pompous Git Silver badge

              When did they replace the Billiard's table in the officer's mess with a Pool table?

              There will never be a grocer's apostrophe allowed in the Officers' mess thank you very much.

      2. Crazy Operations Guy

        "Dissolve parliament when government wants to act Undemocratically, apparently."

        She dissolved Australia's Parliament back in '75 to get them to stop acting like petulant children[*].

        Technically it was the Governor-General, but he did so under advice from Her Maj.

        [*] Well, she tried...

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Technically it was the Governor-General, but he did so under advice from Her Maj.

          Her Maj is not the CIA!

          On 11 November 1975* Whitlam intended to inform parliament about the CIA's undermining his government. He was summoned by Sir John Kerr who used his vice-regal “reserve powers” to sack Australia's democratically elected prime minister. The USA's “Whitlam problem” was solved. Australian politics never recovered, nor have we regained our independence. (Hence the link to the drover's dog song the other day).

          John Pilger

          NB I am fully aware that Pilger appears congenitally unable to say or write anything positive about the USA, but that does not mean everything he writes is wrong.

          * Remembrance Day. Whitlam exhorted us to never forget. Some of us haven't.

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Happy

      Is there anything this woman can't do?

      Spend 15 minutes in the same room as Donald Trump?

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Oh.. did he try to grab her privates? Whether he did or not is irrelevant I supposed as many of us can't stand him.

        Disclaimer: I wouldn't tolerate being the same room with either candidate. Equal opportunity cranky old-man, I am.

  2. Afernie

    Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

    I remember well her first engagement as a scared young rookie in Korea, stalking silently on patrol through the jungle during the Malayan Emergency, hitting Argentine positions around Stanley in her Harrier.

    Aww. It turns out that was just the alternative version in my head...

    1. graeme leggett Silver badge

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      I think you might be on to something there. We will need an illustrator for the comic version.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        @graeme leggett

        We will need an illustrator for the comic version.

        Celebrity Deathmatch - MTV

        HM Queen v Putin

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

          HM Queen v Putin

          She'd make mincement of him. In French. Smiling all the way.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      don't we have laws that forbid and punish plebs mocking Our Royal Overseers yet?!

      1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

        laws that forbid mocking Our Royal Overseers

        We have plenty of laws against free speech, especially on the internet, as we were recently reminded by TheRegister. If anyone can read May's web site without throwing up, it would be interesting to check if it fits the crown persecution service's guidelines for hate speech.

        IIRC, there was a law against insulting the Prince of Wales' girlfriend that came with a death sentence, but I can longer find any evidence of it. For the time being, you can still commit arson in the royal dockyards and soldiers can mutiny in time of war without getting hanged or beheaded or shot.

        Various laws removed the death sentence from the UK, including the 6th and 13 protocol of the European Convention on Human Rights and the Human Rights Act 1998. Theresa may has said "The Human Rights Acts needs to go". Shortly afterwards I am sure the Motion Picture Ass of America will bring back the death sentence for piracy.

        (On a lighter note, I am looking forward to Liz 10.)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Pint

          Pint of clarification

          Is that "Theresa may have said" or "Theresa May has said"?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        don't we have laws that forbid and punish plebs mocking Our Royal Overseers yet?!

        1 - you clearly haven't yet caught on to the British sense of humour

        2 - she is rumoured to be far more capable than you can imagine

        3 - if you were really overdoing it, I think it is unlikely they would drag your plebish rear end into court. Instead, you'd probably get a visit from a couple of very fit people with a preference for dark clothes..

      3. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        But we are not mocking.

        1. Afernie

          Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

          "But we are not mocking."

          Or if we are, it's affectionate. I'm abolitionist by political view (in the long term), but it's not personal; she is a pretty remarkable lady.

    3. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      To be fair Philip probably had enough frontline action for both of them.

      But you don't know that the Queen isn't secretly in the SAS - and that's why they had to put that bit in the Olympic opening ceremony, as part of the cover story. Hiding it in plain sight.

    4. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      I think she actually would have been tough enough to do all that, and then some.

      1. Ripper38

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        Re: all that, and then some... Oh yes. After 65 years of LS&GC me thinks HM knows a thing or two that would shame even the wiliest of ex(?) KGB officers.

    5. PatientOne

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      You might want to check out what she did during WWII.

      "After months of begging her father to let his heir pitch in, Elizabeth—then an 18-year-old princess—joined the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service during World War II. Known as Second Subaltern Elizabeth Windsor, she donned a pair of coveralls and trained in London as a mechanic and military truck driver. The queen remains the only female member of the royal family to have entered the armed forces and is the only living head of state who served in World War II."

      So she wasn't really a rookie by the time the Korian conflict came around. But she clearly had you fooled :p

      1. Dan Wilkie

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        Was going to say the exact same thing.

        Also for the most part, Officers aren't known for their high number of confirmed kills. If they're going round slotting something they're not busy doing officer-y type things. Which I presume are cocktail parties, or Kayak-Flaregun-Duels or whatever it is that they do.

        1. W4YBO

          Re: Kayak-Flaregun-Duels

          Had to Google that phrase, but what a great payoff!

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      "I remember well her first engagement as a scared young rookie in Korea, [...]"

      The chronology is off by several years. She served in the Territorial Army in WW2 as a driver and car mechanic.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2grMaRttws

      1. Afernie
        Coat

        Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

        "The chronology is off by several years. She served in the Territorial Army in WW2 as a driver and car mechanic."

        Ah, yes but she wasn't the QUEEN back then, now was she? Anyway, we're saving all that stuff for the Prequel. Celebrity carpool greasemonkey by day, SOE triggerwoman by night.

        Few are aware that after the Battle of the Hook, when the 1st Bat. (Duke of Wellington's Regiment) fired red white and blue smoke at Chinese lines to mark the Coronation, it was actually Lizzie herself behind the gunsights. That lassie in the ermine? Actor. Didn't even look like her. True fact.

    7. You aint sin me, roit
      Pirate

      Re: Ah yes. More confirmed kills than anyone else

      Orb and sceptre combo... lethal in close combat.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm guessing Charlie boy didn't get any due to his riding a motorcycle down the corridor are Dartmouth and bouncing a plane off the end of a runway....

    1. You aint sin me, roit
      Trollface

      Charlie?

      And shagging a horse...

      1. wolfetone Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Charlie?

        And offering to be a tampon...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I thought the motorcycle was in a Paris tunnel?

    3. Adam 52 Silver badge

      Charles wasn't charged following the Port Ellen crash.

  4. frank ly Silver badge

    Fascinating fact

    The Queen can't get a criminal record. She would have been able to get one before her coronation but she was well behaved, apparently.

  5. TheProf
    WTF?

    Me me me!

    Can I have a medal please? I've done f*** all for the past 15 years.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Queen Lizzie"?

    I did a double take reading that, thought for a moment the surviving members of Queen were somehow teaming up with Thin Lizzy. The boys back in town indeed!

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "Queen Lizzie"?

        Seven Seas of Rhye Whiskey in the Jar?

        The Good Old Fashioned Lover Boys are Back in Town?

        etc etc....

    2. Dave Harris

      Re: "Queen Lizzie"?

      "thought for a moment the surviving members of Queen were somehow teaming up with Thin Lizzy"

      That actually happened in 1977: http://www.queenonline.com/en/the-band/interviews/queen-1/queen-thin-lizzy/

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wellington quote

    I think he had more than a long service medal.

    Field punishment, inc flogging. And the commanders seem to think it worked except for a few hard cases

    http://www.napoleon-series.org/military/organization/Britain/Miscellaneous/c_militaryjusticeinquiry.html

    That Nosey quote in full

    "The French system of conscription brings together a fair sample of all classes; ours is composed of the scum of the Earth—the mere scum of the Earth. It is only wonderful that we should be able to make so much out of them afterward. The English soldiers are fellows who have enlisted for drink—that is the plain fact—they have all enlisted for drink."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wellington quote

      His other quote about the army.

      "I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me."

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Wellington quote

      When the daily ration was a third of a pint of rum a day, wouldn't you want to join the army?

  8. wyatt
    Devil

    Naff all with being good, all to do with not getting caught.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      I bet she hasn't got receipts for all those crowns! Philip does the safes, while she smuggles the stones. What we need to find out is who their fence is.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Coat

        @I ain't Spartacus

        What we need to find out is who their fence is.

        What about that bloke who once owned a store in Knightsbridge that had a Royal Warrant?. I think he fell out with them, especially Philip

    2. Vincent Ballard

      Not getting caught

      Or if you get caught, knowing the regulations well. My grandad's war memoir includes an episode from 1946, in the British Army of Occupation on the Rhine, where as acting captain his duties included judging courts martial one week a month. I quote:

      One of the few Army offences we heard concerned a Company Serjeant Major. He was charged with being improperly dressed.

      The Prosecuting Officer outlining the case said - The CSM had been seen chasing an ATS Private across camp. The CSM and the ATS were both stark naked.

      The CSM pleaded NOT GUILTY, - He agreed with the Prosecutor's statement of events, and submitted that "He had been dressed in accordance with KRR (King's Rules & Regulations) No 2352 of 1942 - Dress Sports for the Use Of - which says - "All ranks shall be appropriately dressed for the Sport in which they are engaged".

      The case was dismissed.

  9. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    Bravo

    I've away my copy, but I believe that in Goodbye to All That Robert Graves quoted a common saying that this medal was awarded for "fifteen years of undetected crime".

  10. Tromos
    Joke

    The Queen HAS got a criminal record

    Des O'Connors greatest hits

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The Queen HAS got a criminal record

      Perhaps she should have given how many innocent people have died at the hands of her military forces.

    2. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: The Queen HAS got a criminal record

      Des O'Connors greatest hits

      That is such a 70's/80's joke - well done.

      1. Pedigree-Pete Bronze badge
        Happy

        Re: The Queen HAS got a criminal record

        Pure Morecambe and Wise. Brilliant.

  11. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Missed cue.

    This is what passes for publicity by the Buckingham Palace bureaucracy these days?

    Obviously one of the younger Royal doxys failed to have a baby on cue so they had to go to plan B and reach for a medal she could qualify to receive and had not yet been awarded.

    Couldn't they have had Harry dress up as a Nazi again? As publicity stunts go, this is pretty weak.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Missed cue.

      "Couldn't they have had Harry dress up as a Nazi again?"

      Or not dress up - which raised more public prurient interest.

  12. scrubber

    Commander in chief

    As head of the armed forces hasn't she sent "our boys" off to illegal wars to commit war crimes without so much as a frown?

    And in nonmilitary terms why hasn't she ever stood up for her subjects and refused to sign any bill that stripped our historic rights?

    She's a waste of space and the institution is a national embarrassment for a so called modern democracy.

    1. Hans 1 Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Commander in chief

      >She's a waste of space and the institution is a national embarrassment for a so called modern democracy.

      Come on, she is the crown attraction of London zoo. Mind, all the tourists see are her serfs dressed-up like prima donnas, but it works, they all come in the hope of seeing a medieval head of state.

      Upvoted, but I disagree with her interfering with politics, shit, I would force her to step down immediately, dismiss all her mates in the house of hereditary lard, while we are at it and organize a presidential and general election for both houses ... you know, to achieve some form of democratic government, with an elected head of state.

      One prime minister with one elected chamber is NOT enough, you have no counter balance, and the house of hereditary lard is undemocratic, so does not count.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Commander in chief

        I would force her to step down immediately, dismiss all her mates in the house of hereditary lard, while we are at it and organize a presidential and general election for both houses ... you know, to achieve some form of democratic government, with an elected head of state.

        So you could choose between a Hildebeast and a Donald? Are you a full-time idiot, or is it just a hobby?

        1. Kurt Meyer

          Re: Commander in chief

          @ Pompous Git

          "...a Hildebeast and a Donald? "

          Would May and Farage serve to fill those roles?

          1. Pompous Git Silver badge

            Re: Commander in chief

            Would May and Farage serve to fill those roles?

            I am assuming that question is rhetorical. It would be difficult to find a more competent head of state, elected, or constitutional, than Queen Elizabeth. I have a very good and close friend whose wife is a communist and a monarchist purely on the basis of her admiration for our head of state. Dare I say it? She is without peer.

            1. Kurt Meyer

              Re: Commander in chief

              @ Pompous Git

              "I am assuming that question is rhetorical."

              No,no,no, nothing of the sort! No seriousness intended or implied!

              I meant it as a good-natured jibe towards a fellow who'd (perhaps inadvertently), introduced two names into a thread where I least expected to see them.

              Mea culpa, Mea culpa, Mea maxima culpa.

              1. Pompous Git Silver badge

                Re: Commander in chief

                Mea culpa, Mea culpa, Mea maxima culpa.

                Now that's enough of that goodfellow. Of course I took it as good-natured. As for inadvertent, The Git is renowned for bringing down the tone of any conversation.

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Commander in chief

        I would force her to step down immediately, dismiss all her mates in the house of hereditary lard, while we are at it and organize a presidential and general election for both houses ... you know, to achieve some form of democratic government, with an elected head of state.

        Ah, you mean like in the USA at the moment?

        Would you really have wanted a President Blair? Or some equivalent to Trump or Clinton?

        There's a lot to be said for having a second house that isn't elected, and so doesn't have to consider every decision in terms of "will I get re-elected if I do the right thing?", as a review body.

      3. scrubber

        Re: Commander in chief

        "I would force her to step down immediately"

        You and whose army?

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Commander in chief

      @scrubber

      She's a waste of space and the institution is a national embarrassment for a so called modern democracy.

      What's the alternative? Some politician as head of state? Tony (& Cherie) Blair?

      (Actually, Ireland has this time got a decent person in Michael D. Higgins as President)

      1. scrubber

        Re: Commander in chief

        "What's the alternative?" [to an hereditary head of state]

        Why are people so bloody unimaginative?

        Selection at random, like jury duty.

        A TV show called I'm a monarch get me out of here.

        A cage fight.

        Pistols at dawn.

        Musical chairs.

        A bake off.

        Who cares? But it would be nice if the public has some say in, you know, a democracy.

        It would also be nice if they could exercise their constitutionally granted powers without creating a constitutional crisis. Then perhaps Blair's massive mandate to smash our rights with 40% of the vote would not have happened.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Commander in chief

          Who cares? But it would be nice if the public has some say in, you know, a democracy.

          Dunno about the UKLand situation; I'm a bit parochial. In Australia at least we see the role of the Head of State (Her Elizabethness, Queen of Australia) to be the chief public representative of the state. That is she is there to act in our interests when they conflict with an elected government's wilful disregard of the Constitution. A hereditary monarch is trained from childhood for the role.*

          You appear to be suggesting that the role is quite trivial and can be undertaken by any random idiot. I do not for one instant believe that to be so.

          * It is a role that not all would wish to undertake. Cf Edward VIII.

          1. scrubber

            Re: Commander in chief

            No, I am suggesting, among other things, that she has never undertaken this constitutional rile that she was trained from childhood to fulfil. Others are suggesting that should she ever do so it would trigger a constitutional crisis that would take down the monarchy. I am then left asking: if she won't, and can't, perform her supposed duty, then what is the fucking point of the position of monarch? And perhaps some oil chosen by lottery would be less deferential.to the political classes, especially since their position, and that of their family, is not dependent on the largess of the already privileged using public money.

            1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

              Re: Commander in chief

              No, I am suggesting, among other things, that she has never undertaken this constitutional rile that she was trained from childhood to fulfil.

              No UK leader has given the order to launch a nuclear strike either, does that mean they've all failed and should be removed?

              The important thing about having great executive power is to organize things so that it never needs to be used. That is why she meets regularly with her prime minister, and why all new parliamentary sessions start with her speech. She hasn't done anything which triggers a crisis, because she hasn't had to. That's how it should be.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Commander in chief

        "(Actually, Ireland has this time got a decent person in Michael D. Higgins as President)"

        Wasn't Mary Robinson a breath of fresh air when she was president?

    3. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Commander in chief

      And in nonmilitary terms why hasn't she ever stood up for her subjects and refused to sign any bill that stripped our historic rights?

      Those bills only get to her after passing through Parliament, and since we (for good or bad) elect the members of the House of Commons, there is a presumption that we have presented those bills. The House of Lords is there to push things they feel are unconstitiutional to the Commons for review. At the end of the day if HRH did refuse the Royal Assent it would effectively mean she was refusing the advice of the people we elected, and would prompt a constitutional crisis. The last time that happened we eventually ended up at war with the American colonies...

  13. MJI Silver badge

    Philip

    If her father had not died so young I wonder how high in rank Philip would have gone?

    Could he have got to the top?

  14. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

    republicans

    It's refreshing to see that the disgusting republican posts on here are being heavily downvoted. It reaffirms my faith in my fellow citizens.

    1. Kurt Meyer

      Re: republicans

      @ disgustedoftunbridgewells

      "the disgusting republican posts"

      They've so far overlooked this thread, although that irresponsible Aussie above has tempted fate with his mention of certain names. ;-)

      1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

        Re: republicans

        Who's Australian?

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: republicans

          Who's Australian?

          Who do you think?

        2. Kurt Meyer

          Re: republicans

          @ disgustedoftunbridgewells

          "Who's Australian?"

          The Pompous Git. I was attempting to give him some gentle ribbing over his mention of (looks around) "a Hildebeast and a Donald?" in one of the few threads that had been mercifully free of their presence.

          Your part was contained in the phrase "the disgusting republican posts", and yes, I do recognize the difference between a republican and a Republican.

          To recap this two act play:

          The Pompous Git played the part of -

          "The irresponsible Aussie."

          You played the part of -

          "The innocent bystander."

          And I played the part of -

          "The fellow who's calls are not returned by the local comedy clubs."

          I hope this goes some way toward answering your question.

    2. scrubber

      Re: republicans

      If she's so fucking good, and the institution so wonderful, how come no country not already brainwashed into it is looking to have Liz adopt them?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: republicans

        "[...] how come no country not already brainwashed into it is looking to have Liz adopt them?"

        Countries with no prior relationship to Britain's rule have joined since the eligibility criteria were changed viz Mozambique (Portugese) 1995, Rwanda (French) 2009

        Other countries have expressed some interest for whatever reason they felt would benefit them.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commonwealth_of_Nations_membership_criteria#Eligible_states

        1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

          Re: republicans

          Wasn't there talk about France joining the Commonwealth in the 50's?

          I doubt they'd have taken our monarch as HoS though. That's another reason to hate the French.

  15. DanceMan

    Dept. of Silly Hats

    Nevermind, well done Liz.

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