back to article Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

An after midnight muckspreader who has been terrorising a Dublin* neighbourhood has been caught in the act by the very shopkeeper whose forecourt he’d been befouling. Alan Buckley, proprietor of Clever Buys in Finglas, plonked a toilet and a pallet of loo roll on the forecourt of his shop after a number of visits from the …

  1. This post has been deleted by its author

  2. Voland's right hand Silver badge
    Joke

    While Buckley’s CCTV system captured the curb-side crapper on camera,

    IoT story of the week? Was it an IP cam? Was it reporting the crappulent data to the cloud?

    Curious minds want to know...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. 's water music Silver badge

      IoT angle

      >>While Buckley’s CCTV system captured the curb-side crapper on camera,

      IoT story of the week? Was it an IP cam?

      Was the camera one of those dropping its own massive shit on Krebs' doorstep?

    3. NorthernCoder
      Coat

      Was it an IP cam?

      No, an HePoo cam

      1. Dick

        Re: Was it an IP cam?

        Pee to Pee cam?

        1. Olius

          Re: Was it an IP cam?

          I think it used some kind of torrent streaming technology.

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Holmes

    Horse did it?

    Horses don't eat meat, or processed sugars or drink booze, why would their "business" smell bad?

    Sherlock.... well you get it ;-}

    1. joeW

      Re: Horse did it?

      Pound for pound horse shite smells a lot less foul than that of humans, but what they lack in quality they make up for in quantity.

      Source - grew up on a horse farm and moved away as soon as humanly possible.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Re: Horse did it?

        Eating meat or processed sugars has little to do with how foul shit smells, as anyone who has ever smelled pig shit would know. There's a golf course I play occasionally that borders an organic farm that raises pigs. When the wind is just right, the smell from the pigs wafts over to the course and it is pretty terrible even though the pigs are at least a quarter mile away at the nearest point! Those in the know check the forecast and avoid that course when the wind is from the east!

        I suspect the smell difference in horse poop may have more to do with the difference in the horse's stomach and digestive process compared to a human's than their diet. But hey, I've never compared the smell of a human on a vegan and normal diet, so possibly there's something to that.

        I just know there's a lot of variation in the smell of my own shit that can't be accounted for by diet. Usually it isn't too bad (though I'm probably used to it) but occasionally it smells like I ate something half rotted that died again and rotted the rest of the way in my digestive system. Even if I haven't had any meat or cheese in the past few days. No idea what triggers that occasional very foul smell, maybe I'm just sick in some way but don't know it, I'm just glad for bathroom fans on such occasions!

        1. Commswonk Silver badge

          Re: Horse did it?

          I just know there's a lot of variation in the smell of my own shit that can't be accounted for by diet. Usually it isn't too bad (though I'm probably used to it) but occasionally it smells like I ate something half rotted that died again and rotted the rest of the way in my digestive system. Even if I haven't had any meat or cheese in the past few days. No idea what triggers that occasional very foul smell, maybe I'm just sick in some way but don't know it, I'm just glad for bathroom fans on such occasions!

          Don't you think that might just fall into the category of "over - sharing"?

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Horse did it?

            "Don't you think that might just fall into the category of "over - sharing"?"

            Sigh. The Feacebook generation.

          2. Stuart21551

            Re: Horse did it?

            AKA, TMI!

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Horse did it?

          "Those in the know check the forecast and avoid that course when the wind is from the east!"

          Sounds like the town of Midwest in central Wyoming. It's in the middle of an oilfield and stinks of rotten eggs. Interstate 25, which follows the alignment of most of the older highways it replaces makes an exception at Midwest and is routed 7 miles west of this stinkhole through some of the ugliest scenery in the state. This is not far enough because when the wind is from the east, well, you know...

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. chivo243 Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Horse did it?

        @Symon

        The shop keeper said: "who left dung deposits so foul that, as Buckley put it, “You’d swear a horse did it.”

        I read foul to mean light a match get rid of that smell, my eyes are watering, my automatic gag reflex is in overdrive and my windpipe is involuntarily slamming shut

        1. PNGuinn
          Mushroom

          Re: Horse did it? chivo423

          Wot - you mean like a teen's trainers (Sneekers for you lot over the pond)?

          >> Need this to get rid of the pong?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Coat

      A horse walks into a bar...

      The barman says, "why the long face?"

      The horse neighs, "I've just been caught crapping three times outside a shop!"

      The barman says, "what did the shopkeeper say?"

      The horse replies, "shoe!"

      Hmm. Not even a smile from any of you...

      I think I need to work on this a bit more.

      1. Hollerithevo Silver badge

        Re: A horse walks into a bar...

        Because the shopkeeper said 'Whoa!"

  4. BarryUK

    Yeah, very amusing, but the guy obviously has mental health issues. I assume you wouldn't poke fun at someone with a broken leg for walking funny? I guess it just shows how poorly understood mental health is that you consider this an amusing story.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Sadly, some do "make fun" and worse of the person who has a funny walk. Never an "okay" situation.

      That said, it is not up to the shopkeeper to deal with this man's crap!

      1. Vic

        Sadly, some do "make fun" and worse of the person who has a funny walk. Never an "okay" situation.

        That depends on whether or not it's funny.

        There's a TV programme over here called The Last Leg. Two of the three presenters have artificial legs. Many of their guests are in some way disabled - particularly during the Paralympics. And they take the piss *mercilessly* out of everyone - able-bodied or disabled. It's an equal-opportunities piss-take.

        I thoroughly recommend it...

        Vic.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Yeah, very amusing, but the guy obviously has mental health issues"

      I have been subjected to flaming on another site due to perceived "social justice warrioring", but I don't think I've ever deserved it as much as this.

      You know, even mental health professionals joke about their charges. He hasn't been named, vigilantes aren't after him with toilet brushes and stuff for getting clean round the bend, when faced with the weird shit that some people get up to and if you aren't personally involved, laugh that you may not weep may be the best option.

    3. Bloakey1

      "Yeah, very amusing, but the guy obviously has mental health issues. I assume you wouldn't poke fun at someone with a broken leg for walking funny? I guess it just shows how poorly understood mental health is that you consider this an amusing story."

      Not necessarily, it could have any cause ranging from sexual to revenge, a bet perhaps? Mental health is not the one I would plonk for first.

      I reserve the right to laugh at anything that I deem a fitting subject. I do not need the likes of you to arbitrarily tell me what topic I am allowed to laugh at and what not.

      Well, now that the Phantom Shitter of Old Dublin Town has been caught, we can go back to the Kinahan - Hutch feud and the funeral of the Queen of the Travellers.

    4. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Mental health issues?

      I assume you wouldn't poke fun at someone with a broken leg for walking funny?

      I think you assume wrongly...I know that if I had a broken leg and was walking funny I'd be taking the piss out of myself. Have you never watched 'The last leg' on Channel 4?

      One of the loveliest things that came out of all the paralympic coverage is that it made it very clear that 'disabled people' on the whole aren't. They are actually just people with a disability - which means they are people just the same as everyone else, with a personality, emotions and a sense of humour (or no sense of humour, of course). They don't need protection from well-meaning people - 'Does he take sugar?' my arse - try asking!

      </rant>

    5. phuzz Silver badge

      The line about him being a “local...respectable...family man” implies that he doesn't have any personality oddities big enough to be mentioned. Except for the whole 'shitting in the street' thing obviously.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Political correctness run amok

        I'm not a Trumpian "political correctness is ruining our country" kind of guy, but things are going too far if you can't criticize someone for shitting in the street because they might have mental issues!

        When you get down to it, pretty much everyone who commits mass murder obviously has mental issues. I guess we should only say nice things about them, too?

    6. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "the guy obviously has mental health issues"

      "Obviously"? Really? Are you a professional with direct knowledge of this person? Or are you him, in person and just a teensy bit embarrassed?

    7. quxinot

      Oh, the guy crapping on the shop and causing a potentially biohazardous, nevermind disgusting, issue is the victim?

      Some people have various disabilities, both mental and physical. And it's not an excuse, that doesn't make them victims. A lot more than half of humanity fits into some category of impediment or another. It's part of us, and we take responsibility for who we are and our shortcomings.

      Someone that "doesn't have anything against the shop" and yet shits on it three times? That's not a mental problem. That's being full of shit (QED).

  5. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    "Just a small portion of the Reg’s prodigious journalistic muscle has been devoted to this story ..."

    Just out of idle curiosity, does the muscle mentioned fall into this category?

  6. bouncy

    What a crap story ;) gutter press ;)

  7. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Buckley’s famously well priced loo roll

    I'm glad to see this resolved - I'd hate to have thought that the noxious deposit was caused a bad case of viral marketing and the tissue concerned was not simply of paper.

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. Blofeld's Cat
    Coat

    Er ...

    Did he buy any of the loo roll - or just leave a deposit?

    1. Mutton Jeff

      Re: Er ...

      Doubt there'll be any return value.

  10. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

    Sponsor:

    "Keep your data close and your cloud options open." Hmm.

    Error: dump device full.

    The night has a thousand irate shopkeepers.

    You might have mentioned (if you didn't - I forget) that Dublin is the crapital of Ireland.

    And one of its literary classics almost is "The Turd Policeman". So they probably have had that one.

    Mystery stomach-upset man rumbled.

    "Now might I do it, splat"

    These are my pat answers.

  11. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

    Poor chap

    Sounds like a bad dose of Ian Duncan Smith. At least I think that's what the initials stand for.

    1. Martin Summers Silver badge

      Re: Poor chap

      No, that would have to be a B not a D...

    2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      Re: Poor chap

      "Sounds like a bad dose of Ian Duncan Smith. At least I think that's what the initials stand for."

      I have IBS, but I've never done anything like that. On the other hand, I'd rather have IBS than have IDS come anywhere near me.

      1. Bloakey1

        Re: Poor chap

        "I have IBS, but I've never done anything like that. On the other hand, I'd rather have IBS than have IDS come anywhere near me."

        Commiserations. They are both a pain the arse as it were although IDS would probably create anxiety attacks and irritability of the grey matter.

      2. John Sturdy
        Coat

        Re: Poor chap

        Ian Bunkum Smith?

  12. DNTP

    I AM AN IT PROFESSIONAL

    PERFORMING EMERGENCY DOWNLOADS

  13. ZSn

    Dogs

    And if he was a dog owner that let his dog shit all over the street that would somehow be acceptable. Perhaps they should pass a law that allows you to crap on dog owners front gardens when you want...

    1. David Nash Silver badge

      Re: Dogs

      Not sure about Dublin but it's not really acceptable any more in the UK. People are expected to bag it and bin it, although a few seem to find it clever to just bag it and leave it.

  14. Fink-Nottle
    IT Angle

    It's a Dublin thing.

    For example, U2 keep leaving unwanted shite in my iTunes directory.

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: It's a Dublin thing.

      Don't forget the constant stream of diarrhea that is called Bob Geldof.

  15. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Holmes

    The perpetrator said he was sorry...

    But have you considered that he was only talking shit?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    CCTV

    I wonder if was on recording all the time, or movement detection?

    1. 2+2=5 Silver badge

      Re: CCTV

      Camera illumination: Infra-red or moon light?

    2. hplasm Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: CCTV

      Motion detection, I think you mean...

      1. DougS Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: CCTV

        No, pretty sure in this case he mean movement detection!

  17. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    I admit defeat

    I was racking my brains for a punny comment, but have been totally ouclassed already. Kudos to all. Ah what a wonderful world it is that has El Reg commentards in it.

    1. Swarthy Silver badge

      Re: I admit defeat

      I dunno, it seems like they've put in a crap effort so far. I expected more after this guy orchistrated his third movement. Up to Number Two could be a coincidence, but after a third time, the claim of coincidence seems a bit BS.

  18. Swarthy Silver badge

    Was he caught using the "forecout khazi" that the shopkeeper had had placed, or was he caught being caught out outside the port-a-loo?

  19. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Plaashuis vol k@k?

    1. Fink-Nottle

      Jy mag nie só oor Nkandla praat nie.

      1. herman Silver badge

        Nee man, Nkandla is 'n volkshuis vol k@k.

  20. earl grey Silver badge
    Unhappy

    well of wit?

    Seems I just pulled the bucket up and she's empty captain!

  21. Herby Silver badge

    One word...

    Depends

    No others need apply.

  22. x 7

    the blokes got shit for brains

    probably the result of too much Guinness

  23. Ian Emery Silver badge

    @ Bloakey1 Off Topic

    Ré IBS, have you investigated Autoimmune dietary advice ?

    I have an AIC induced IBS issue; the quacks have been denying various foods are an issue for nearly 10 years; however stumbling across a book on the subject last month, I tried leaving out a few of the suspect foods and my condition has improved dramatically.

    I think the "Cave Man" diet suggestions are a bit OTT, and perhaps some of the foods make a subtle difference, but I found dramatic changes from avoiding yeast (really difficult to avoid), tomatoes (really easy to avoid), and wheat (difficult to avoid).

    MY stomach issues are nearly 90% gone for 90% of the time, and I no longer feel 20 years older than my real age, in fact I feel 20 years YOUNGER than my real age.

    To other readers, sorry for the off topic.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In Dublin's fair city

    Where the shits are so whiffy

    I once caught a man crapping alone.

  25. LittleOldMe

    PoITry

    For this case, 1 will not do.

    Poems they must Number 2

    1)

    There was an old man from Dublin

    Who took a shit by the dustbin

    When caught in the frame

    His bowls he did blame

    A punishment fit? Rub his nose in

    And what will they say of him when he is laid to rest? An epootaph.

    2)

    Here lies the Phantom Pooper

    Of old Dublin town

    Who's shitty midnight antics

    Made shopkeepers frown

    But now those days are over

    As his time has come to pass

    And now we need not worry

    About his Phantom arse

    The_poIT. Will write for upvotes :)

  26. herman Silver badge

    Didn't Monty Python make a skit about scat?

    "I fart in your general direction?" is the only line I can think of.

  27. Preacher
    Coat

    Dublin accent

    "Buckley was alerted to a third late night visit from the Finglas fouler"

    Given this was in Dublin, shouldn't that be " a turd late night visit " ?

  28. Andus McCoatover
    Coat

    Downloading some brownware?

    OK....IT angle.

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