back to article BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones

"Look, all we want you to do is take this simple test which will tell us your personality type and the things you respond to," the Boss burbles. "Angry, and Free Beer!" the PFY chips, strolling into the conversation. "Oh good, I was hoping to catch you," the Boss says, turning to the PFY after a fruitless 10 minutes trying to …

  1. Jay 2
    Happy

    Great stuff, that's really brightened up my Friday!

    1. James 51 Silver badge
      Pint

      I misread your comment as 'that's really beered up my Friday!'. I really do need to pay more attention.

    2. VinceH Silver badge
      Happy

      I've only just read it - so it's brightened up my Monday before I've even set off for work! :)

  2. b0llchit
    Thumb Up

    Any day

    Bar: 1) non-optional 2) agree 3) cannot disagree

    Friday: 1) agree 2) agree 3) agree

    BOFH: 1) strongly agree 2) emulation assured 3) courses absorbed and implemented

  3. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Pint

    More beer!

    You've earned this one (and several more) and with the Boss out of the way, there's nothing to stop an early start to Friday afternoon!

  4. 45RPM Silver badge

    Where can you be found in 20 minutes time? a) The Pub b) The Pub or c) The Pub

    What will you be drinking? a) Bitter b) Lager c) Stout

    What time will you be back in the office? a) Monday b) Tuesday c) Wednesday

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      d) What office?

      1. TeeCee Gold badge
        Alert

        e) What the hell makes you think I'll be coming back?

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Happy

      Aha! You're trying to trip us up by including lager in the questionnaire. Presumably you've wired they keyboard up to the cattle-prod for anyone who answers with that!

      1. wowfood

        And no option for Cider drinkers? Terrible.

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Cider drinker?

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIBMt28d1FA

        2. TeeCee Gold badge
          Happy

          Christ! Every bloody time you produce a questionnaire there's some bloody minority you've never heard of pop up to claim you've discriminated against them.

          1. Esme

            @TeeCee - too right! If you think I'm going to touch that gnat's pee waste of good grain and water that you call beer, then you're very much mistaken. Mine's a single malt!

          2. gcla72

            Christ you say! What about other* religions?

            *God may not exist.

  5. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    2B) or not.

    I took a personality test as part of an interview process. Once done and analysed the assessors came back in to discuss it. To break the ice and keep things friendly they opened with a humorous, "good news; you're not an axe murderer".

    Chuckles all round, discussion ensued, and I was offered the job.

    But it set me thinking. I am so tempted to take a small axe to interviews in the future so I can plonk that on the desk and ask, "are you sure about that?", if it ever happens again.

    1. Maverick

      Re: 2B) or not.

      I have never accepted a job after being asked to do one of these as part of the selection process, clearly the step I missed was the head>desk interface

      duly noted

    2. MonkeyCee Silver badge

      Re: 2B) or not.

      Them: "good news; you're not an axe murderer".

      Me: "Don't be silly. Axes are dirty. Fire is pure. Only fire will cleanse the filth from this world. Definitely no axes."

      1. Captain DaFt

        Re: 2B) or not.

        -Them: "good news; you're not an axe murderer".-

        "Yes, I've always preferred a crowbar."

        1. Toltec

          Re: 2B) or not.

          -Them: "good news; you're not an axe murderer".-

          Too Iron Age, battery powered chainsaws is where it's at.

      2. Dennis Behrens
        Flame

        Re: 2B) or not.

        But you need an axe to chop the wood so you can build a bigger fire... :)

    3. Blofeld's Cat
      Coat

      Re: 2B) or not.

      '..."good news; you're not an axe murderer" ...'

      Ah yes I remember going for interviews with all manner of these tests.

      I don't know what the company got out of them, but they did warn you what to expect if you took the job.

      1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

        Re: 2B) or not.

        "We cannot figure out why all out staff are crazy... perhaps we could filter them out in the interview process"...

        Strange how they never realised, no one turned up crazy, but they all left that way!

    4. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: 2B) or not.

      If it does happen, just whip out a garotte...

      "Correct. I am NOT an axe murderer. Far too messy".

    5. Farmer Fred

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "I am not an axe murderer - I have no problems with axes, it's people I have issues with and axes are very good for resolving those issues."

    6. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "good news; you're not an axe murderer".

      That's what I told the jury...

    7. Robert Moore
      Joke

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "good news; you're not an axe murderer"

      That's not what my ex-wife used to say.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: 2B) or not.

        "good news; you're not an axe murderer"

        Nope, never murdered an axe in my life!

    8. LDS Silver badge

      Re: 2B) or not.

      I underwent a test at the selection for army officers. One of the question was if I liked flowers. The problem was I couldn't answer I like flowers, just as much as big guns, tanks, and fighter planes...

    9. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "good news; you're not an axe murderer".

      Bad news for the test administrator... I lied on the test. :)

    10. TeeCee Gold badge
      WTF?

      Re: 2B) or not.

      Worse still is where they have "types".

      I went on a "team building" event once where, before attending, we all filled out the questionnaires. On arrival, when it came to me, the bloke presenting was made up. He'd never seen one of me before and followed me around like a small dog for the entire week, taking notes[1] all the time.

      Apparently the "mad bastard who just sees the right answer"[2] trait is supposed to come as secondary with something other trait as dominant. He'd never seen it as dominant, let alone in purity, until then.

      [1] And here the small dog analogy dies like the, er, dog it is.

      [2] Best translation of their categories I can come up with.

      1. Tim J

        Re: 2B) or not.

        Sounds rather like the primary trait was actually smug self-satisfiedness.

      2. Chris King Silver badge

        Re: 2B) or not.

        I went on a "team building" event once where, before attending, we all filled out the questionnaires. On arrival, when it came to me, the bloke presenting was made up. He'd never seen one of me before and followed me around like a small dog for the entire week, taking notes[1] all the time.

        At least he didn't try to hump your leg. And anyway, you're doing it wrong if they're not backing away and looking for exits...

        Three pages of replies, and nobody's even mentioned "Prisoner's Dilemma"/the "Red & Blue"/"Green & Blue" games - you know the ones, where everybody's supposed to work out that they get equally well rewarded if everyone votes like sheep for the most mediocre option - oh sorry, I meant everyone always votes for the option that appears to benefit all sides equally.

        I was dragged into one game like that...

        Instructor: Hmm, why have you voted like this in the later rounds ?

        Me: Damage limitation. Our negotiator got the diplomatic equivalent of an atomic wedgie and lost us lots of points.

        Instructor: You're not very trusting, are you ?

        Me: Lady, I do IT security. I'm paid to think bad thoughts and try to make sure they never happen.

        Instructor: Okaaaayyyy, I think I'll go and to talk to that team over there...

        What did I learn from that day ?

        (a) Certain colleagues have better "poker faces" than I ever imagined ;

        (b) It's wrong to stereotype people, but it's perfectly acceptable to be put in one of sixteen MBTI "pigeonholes" by a consultant ;

        (c) We should all be more like dolphins - of course, we did this around the time when several studies came out about dolphin behaviour... "So, should we go out and kill porpoises, and take bites out of human researchers when we're hungry ?" Don't even get me started on the sex life of dolphins, several journals suggest they're just as filthy as H. Sapiens when it comes to inserting tab "A" into slot "B".

    11. Justicesays
      Trollface

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "good news; you're not an axe murderer".

      Followed by.

      "Unfortunately this mean you do not qualify for the CEO position. If we have any non-executive positions come up later be sure that we have your CV on file.

    12. Alan W. Rateliff, II

      Re: 2B) or not.

      After working for a company for a couple of years and being promoted to a manager, I took a personality test which had been recently implemented for new hires. I failed. Yet, at this and another company which had a personality test as part of the hire process, I watched as several employees who passed were fired or in one case arrested for stealing from the store, as well as other "minor" policy infractions like showing up for work drunk, showing up hours late or not at all, non-physical (unprofessional dialogue, to say the least) altercations with customers, and general don't-give-a-shit attitudes.

      Yeah, great tests, these; great test of upper-management or HR gullibility.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 2B) or not.

        Yeah, great tests, these; great test of upper-management or HR gullibility.

        The way I see some of the companies being lead I suspect those personality tests are merely there to establish if you indeed have a one, as that makes you unfit for a senior position ..

      2. bdeluca

        Re: 2B) or not.

        Yeah, great tests, these; great test of upper-management or HR gullibility.

        most of my bosses have been crazy so it sure works.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: 2B) or not.

          I took a personality test to work in the civil service.

          I failed, not getting the job. Turns out I have a personality.

    13. Twist Rolarian

      Re: 2B) or not.

      "good news; you're not an axe murderer"

      It's the ones who can kill with a dull crayon or a can of soup that are the real heroes.

      https://youtu.be/tDdo7UAO83U

    14. Long John Baldrick

      Re: 2B) or not.

      I was trying to rent an apt/flat years ago and the landlord call a dear friend of mine who had agreed to be a reference. He caught her in the middle of an experiment she was doing(using a fair amount radioactive iodine) and said "Well, he's not a serial killer". I still got the apt/flat.

    15. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 2B) or not.

      I would have replied

      "Of course not, I prefer my bare hands, an axe is too quick..."

    16. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 2B) or not.

      Back say 30 years ago, a friend got hold of one of the Scientology questionaires. He went through it & designed answers for it to give exactly the impression he wanted, then wandered around near their office until he was asked if he would care to come in for a free test...

      He was carefully and politely shown out some time later, without them trying to get him to join up, having given responses that indicated, in his words, "the profile of an axe murderer having a bad day."

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Pint

    Not once, but twice

    "You fell!" I said to the Boss again as I once more help him to his feet "And you hit your face on the desk!"

    Low blood sugar! LOL, who, the PHB or the PFY?

    It must be Friday! Beer O'clock is just around the corner!

  7. Version 1.0 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    El Reg - PLEASE!!!!

    Please put the modified survey on-line ... I have people who need this experience ... that is everyone who sends me a Survey-monkey email each month.

    1. adam payne Silver badge

      Re: El Reg - PLEASE!!!!

      "I often blame technology for my own shortcomings. IT'S ONLY GOT STRONGLY AGREE!"

      "I am frequently upset by questions I can't answer that might highlight my lack of competence Agree to Strongly agree - but STILL no disagree."

      There was me thinking that working with one of these people was almost mandatory in any IT job.

  8. Blofeld's Cat
    Pint

    Ah...

    This reminds me of the probably apocryphal story where someone was given a Rorschach test and responded with a sexual description for each inkblot.

    At the end of the test the psychologist suggested he was obsessed by sex - to which the man replied:

    "Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures."

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      How to ace a Rorschach test

      "Bunny rabbits...bunny rabbits...bunny rabbits...two black lesbians...bunny rabbits...napalm...bunny rabbits..."

    2. Wensleydale Cheese Silver badge

      Re: Ah...

      "Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures."

      That was done as comedy sketch.

      Here's one version but I'm sure that someone more famous also did it.

  9. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    Hmm. The only test like this I had to take was when I was up for national service. I ended up guarding tactical nuclear weapons.

    Anyway, thank you, Simon! If we ever should meet, drinks are on me.

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      One week, work asks me to fill an a "mini" MBTI test (which looked like it was ripped out of a magazine), the next they ask me if I'm storing hazardous chemicals in my office - the list included "organophosphate-based nerve agents (e.g. VX, Tabun, Sarin)".

      Hmm, were they worried I was going to extract a terrible revenge for being made to sit through a "team-building" day or something ?

      1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
        Alert

        @chris king

        Or that you had been sniffing them?

        1. Chris King Silver badge

          Re: @chris king

          "Oh my god, have you been poisoned, or are you frothing at the mouth because someone's said something really stupid in an e-mail ?"

      2. Rich 11 Silver badge

        the list included "organophosphate-based nerve agents (e.g. VX, Tabun, Sarin)".

        I would have been insulted if asked that and they felt they needed to give me examples.

      3. Dave 32
        Coat

        Organophosphate-based Nerve Agents

        The appropriate response is: "Yes, but in quantities that fall into the exempt category for reporting."

        Dave

        P.S. I'll get my coat. It's the one with the bottle of Atropine in it.

        P.P.S. And, lest any of you think I'm jesting, I really do have a bottle of Atropine in my coat pocket!

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Organophosphate-based Nerve Agents

          P.P.S. And, lest any of you think I'm jesting, I really do have a bottle of Atropine in my coat pocket!

          Smart man... less conspicuous than a full-out hazmat suit with breathing apparatus.

      4. x 7

        "- the list included "organophosphate-based nerve agents (e.g. VX, Tabun, Sarin)""

        I didn't have those, but I did have the materials to make them...........along with Diisopropyl flurophosphate and Diethyl p-nitrophenylphosphate. Oh and a couple of kilos of LSD made by a student of Dr Hoffman. Snake venoms, ricin, aflatoxins, synthetic cannabinol..........the list goes on. Fun days, long since gone

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "- the list included "organophosphate-based nerve agents (e.g. VX, Tabun, Sarin)""

          Black-powder and pharmaceutical grade Benzine in my office together with a still and numerous books concerning the manufacture of various substances that I've always thought would be fun but have never had time to play with to date.

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            "pharmaceutical grade Benzine"

            Pharmaceutical? AR I can understand but it's carcinogenic. Although we did use a small oven in the microscopy lab to evaporate it off preparations...

            SWMBO once used the same oven to make Analar meringues (well the sucrose was Ananar).

            1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

              'Pharmaceutical grade' refers to purity (99%+ with known impurities), not intended use!

              ...and the OP probably meant benzene (C6H6), not benzine (petroleum distillate)

  10. sandman

    Love these tests

    I remember going for one job and being given "the Test". I was delighted, it was the standard Myers-Briggs, which for some obscure reason I'd been researching. I just asked HR what personality they'd like me to be and got on with it. Note: These were intelligent HR people with a sense of humour. They knew it was bollocks, they knew I knew it was bollocks and I knew that, etc. Got the job.

    https://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2013/mar/19/myers-briggs-test-unscientific

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Love these tests

      Problem is, people start thinking those "Four Letters Of Doom" are gospel, and that they will never change.

      Worse, you get people trying to communicate things in several different ways, to reach each one of the ST/NT/SF/NF types, and boring/annoying the hell out of the other three in the process.

      When this happened, I noticed that people were also writing down their colleagues' MBTI types on their whiteboards, and I had a homicidal fantasy about "resetting" the department with nothing more than a super-soaker full of whiteboard cleaner.

      1. Diogenes

        Re: Love these tests

        Problem is, people start thinking those "Four Letters Of Doom" are gospel, and that they will never change.

        I have changed - I am now more of an INTJ than I ever was - I just about peg out the 'TJ' bits, whereas in my late teens was only slightly TJ.

        At the place where I first encountered this, they did the MB & Belbin tests. The incredibly close & productive team I was part of was regarded as having the 'perfect' makeup of roles and personality types by the facilitator. Of course we were broken up within a week of returning to work. sigh

    2. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Love these tests

      Most employers won't pay for a proper Meyers-Briggs, so you end up with something even less accurate or useful. The "mini-test" I mentioned previously was of the sort where you have sixteen questions in four blocks - "If you answered YES for questions 1-4, your first letter is E, otherwise your first letter is I", and so on.

      They would have got better results if they said they had a magical sorting hat... Don't let me be Slitherin !

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: Love these tests

        With a bit of practice you can get a perfectly balanced zero score. "Hmm, it appears this one has no personality."

    3. 2+2=5 Silver badge

      Re: Love these tests

      "Since there are no wrong answers, would you mind just filling in "A" on every question to save me the trouble?"

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Love these tests

      "These were intelligent HR people with a sense of humour."

      Is that a double oxymoron? I think my head just exploded!

  11. Andy Scott

    BOFH old stuff

    If anyone needs a bigger fix of BOFH stories you can find the really old ones here(from 20 years ago) http://bofh.bjash.com

    1. Korev Silver badge

      Re: BOFH old stuff

      Any idea what happened to the old archive at bofh.ntk.net?

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: BOFH old stuff

        Try here: http://www.theregister.co.uk/data_centre/bofh/

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Employee Surveys

    Our 100-person company did one a few years back. The responses prompted a pledge to form a working group to address them.

    Two years on, most of the working group has left, there has not been another survey since.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Employee Surveys

      Lucky you. My one-of-the-top-not-very-many-companies company still gets suckered into that kind of crap. Plus the towcurlingly awful in-house training and equally awful out-house training in things like making sure we insult all racial stereotypes equally (at last that's what I THINK the idea is), how to lift things properly (Admittedly useful if you have a suspiciously heavy and lumpy roll of carpet or a full sack of quicklime you need to move rapidly) and what our corporate ethos is (Without actually mentioning screwing as much as we can out of our customers.

      Very, very anon

      1. Alan W. Rateliff, II

        Re: Employee Surveys

        "out-house training"

        Now here is a company trapped in the past.

        1. Chris King Silver badge

          Re: Employee Surveys

          "out-house training"

          Maybe it says something about the quality of the training ?

          Probably crappy, and you don't want to be down-wind of that sort of stupidity ?

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Employee Surveys

          "out-house training"

          Brick built?

    2. Johnny Doe

      Re: Employee Surveys

      Question: "Do you have time to join a working group?"

      Translation: "Are you so underworked that we could sack you and no-one would notice?"

    3. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Employee Surveys

      "I think we'll try that again when the department is in a happier place" was the way our lot put it.

    4. Elf

      Re: Employee Surveys

      Death By 'Working Group'? My GODs man, we have *rules* in Warfare!

      1. A K Stiles

        Re: Employee Surveys

        Ah - previous employer termed that one as 'special projects'

  13. Dr. Mouse Silver badge

    One of the best

    I have to say this is one of the best BOFHs I have read!

    Don't get me wrong, I love a bit of violent retribution and murder, but this one is just hilarious. Well done Simon!

    1. WonkoTheSane
      Trollface

      Re: One of the best

      Strongly agree...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Employee survers

    Our 100 person company did one a couple of years ago. The responses were troubling enough that a working group was formed to address them.

    Two years on, most of the members of the working group have left, the company has relocated and there has never been another survey.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  15. LDS Silver badge

    Get out of the server room sometimes...

    ... and look at how beautiful a field of yellow potato flowers could be.... potatoes aren't truffles <G>

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Get out of the server room sometimes...

      "look at how beautiful a field of yellow potato flowers could be"

      Are there any yellow flowered varieties?

      1. x 7

        Re: Get out of the server room sometimes...

        "Are there any yellow flowered varieties?"

        Don't think so, but the yanks do have a yellow flowered nightshade - Physalis crassifolia. Disconcertingly my local Asda was selling what looked like the fruits of these as food a few weeks ago. I scoffed a whole box of them but wasn't overly impressed

  16. Fortycoats

    Obligatory Dilbert

    http://dilbert.com/strip/2013-08-01

  17. timhowarduk

    Spot on

    I had to do a cultural intelligence survey recently asking me to comment on my bosses cultural intelligence.It was cringe worthy.

    Questions included "This person is suitable for an international role" (he already has one, how long do you think I would have one if I disagreed!) and "When addressing people from different cultures this person increases their use of hand gestures" (the mind really does boggle). All from Strongly Disagree to Strongly Agree.

    I also note that without fail there will be a sentence of the form "this will take you about 4 minutes to complete" in the email. Also you will gasp when you click the link and it says "page 1/64"....

    1. JonP

      Re: Spot on

      ... Also you will gasp when you click the link and it says "page 1/64"...

      Ah yes, the link that IT spend the other 99% of the time telling you not to click...

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah yes. I've done a different-flavour-of-bullshit version of one of these recently.

    Sadly, it was for a project now which we now have - and I kid you not - a designated, Contractually-Named Person in the role of 'Personality Manager'...

    Also very very anon...

  19. dmacleo

    ima tater :)

    1. TechnicalBen Silver badge

      But are you...

      The Potatoman? : https://youtu.be/CnAeHNZAbNs

      1. Alan W. Rateliff, II

        Re: But are you...

        No... Banana Man!

      2. Chris King Silver badge
  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I must have accidentally taken my axe to the interview.

    Back in the 1980s when these personality tests first started to emerge, I had already been interviewed for a developer position and the boss had said the job was as good as mine. Final hurdle, a verbal personality test by HR, something they had just begun to experiment with. I didn't get the job. Looking back I guess they just weren't geared to comprehending the responses from someone with Asperger's, so probably mistook me for an axe murderer.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    To what extent...

    The Office

  22. burgers22

    We have a Star Wars MBTI reference next to the standard one on the wall, you can guess which got more attention. For the record I'm Darth Vader during the week and Hans Solo at the weekends - naturally I'll take that analysis as spot on........

  23. 2Fat2Bald

    Usually....

    The company starts trotting out this stuff when they're in trouble and frantically looking for an answer other than "management incompetence" as to why.

    Typically they'll have paid a great deal of money for the survey company's services, despite telling everyone that there is no money for frivolous things like annual increments, staff benefits, modern IT equipment, training etc etc etc.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How many workplaces should make new recruits watch the film "Brazil" in full

  25. earl grey Silver badge
    Pint

    you owe me a keyboard

    And you deserve a beer for that.

  26. Herby Silver badge

    On personality type tests...

    I (and my soon to be wife) took these before we were married. Compatibility and all that. Somehow the nice guy who married us (it was a few years ago) liked what he saw. Some of the questions are there for consistency so you need to remember everything so you don't answer up and down for the same question. Yes, they are all strange things, but mostly they seem as a place to "start talking" with a head shrinker (not that my head needs shrinking).

    If you know how they are being used, you (given a suitable understanding of the test) can use them to your advantage. Hopefully we are all not psychopaths. Then again, we read BOFH, and that makes us.....

  27. Sargs

    If I wanted to fill in stupid questionnaires, I'd be browsing Facebook, boss.

    At BigCorp, we seem to get a questionnaire about some aspect of business life at least once a quarter. They tell us they're anonymous, but the password to the external website is our employee number. They tell us that they're not mandatory, but we get email reminders until we've filled them out.

    Regardless, employee morale and trust has never been higher. The responses tell them so.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: If I wanted to fill in stupid questionnaires, I'd be browsing Facebook, boss.

      "Regardless, employee morale and trust has never been higher. The responses tell them so."

      What your responses tell them is that you don't trust each other. If you did you'd all let rip.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fun with Faculty

    I had a professor in grad school that had us take a similar online personality test and print out the result to hand in. I took the test, printed the result...and saved the HTML source of the report page locally.

    I went back through and corrected some obvious errors, and printed out a new copy. When I handed it in, I commented how amazingly accurate it was.

    Your Personality Type: Asshole

    I wrote an impressive missive on the Asshole personality, but I can only remember a couple of lines now.

    "Assholes often play a critical role as the agents of change in society." and "Assholes think they're always right. That's because they usually are. This is why many others call them Assholes."

    The professor chuckled, then asked if this is really what I wanted to turn in. I thought about it for a second, then gave him the actual result. The first few minutes of class were often interrupted by poorly muffled laughter as my Asshole result was circulated around the class.

  29. TechnicalBen Silver badge

    I actually did an interview test...

    For a well known plumbing hardware supplier which was all awkward 3d cartoon animated video style. It followed the "strongly agree/disagree" personality types. I am not sure which was worse, the strange questions with no option for the third way out (I'd prefer not agreeing or disagreeing when two wrong answers are offered. ;) ) or the strange video proceeded by asking me which of 3 equally wrong methods of shouting at the boss were "acceptable".

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I actually did an interview test...

      "3 equally wrong methods of shouting at the boss"

      Does not compute.

  30. ecofeco Silver badge

    There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions.

    HA! Sounds like every place I've ever worked.

    Even after being told, "Feel free to ask questions. We encourage it. No questions is too dumb."

    To be met with, "What a stupid question. Did you take notes?"

    Sorry no. I can't write that fast and why the hell do you not have a KB?

  31. Frank N. Stein

    🐶

    This made my Friday, Epic!!

  32. Frank N. Stein

    BS

    Employers use Personality Tests for reasons they don't mention. It's not anonymous, despite what they say. They can track you via several methods and know what answers you give. They want to personality profile staff in order to determine who is of the hive mind or who is an "individual". Hive mind answers are always best, whether they are your real personality or the personality you use to keep things running smoothly and do your job well.

  33. Mage Silver badge
    Facepalm

    It's all nonsense and subjective junk

    Personality tests.

    Psychometric tests.

    Polygraph lie detector.

    Even a lot of MRI based tests turn out to be made up stuff, faulty statistics package.

    It's not either evidence based, repeatable, statistically significant or scientific.

  34. Andy Non
    Happy

    Appropriate job

    When I've tried those online tests that predict what career my personality is best suited to, they always said "software developer". Which is indeed how I did spend my working life anyway. But I always wanted to be a lion tamer. :P

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8I5TtNfjBI

    1. Alien8n Silver badge

      Re: Appropriate job

      "I want to be a lumberjack..."

  35. GrumpyKiwi Silver badge

    Pseudo scientific load of cobblers

    When I came back to NZ in 2000 and was desperately looking around for a job - and had a wife reminding me everyday that I didn't have one and needed to appear as though I was keen on one.

    One of the places I interviewed at was a local city council (Manukau for anyone who cares). I aced the technical part of the testing and they wanted me to come back the next day for psychometric testing. Meanwhile I'd also aced the technical testing for a much more interesting (and better paying) role, but they weren't going to let me know whether I had the job until next week.

    So I set out to sabotage the council job and answered the questions in as sociopathic way as possible.

    When a question asked "I consider the impact of my actions on others before acting" I ticked NEVER.

    "The feelings of others are important to me" got the same answer. And so forth.

    Naturally this resulted in them loving my psychometric profile and offering me the job - thus thoroughly confirming my opinion of such tests as being as scientific as astrology and homeopathy.

    1. LINCARD1000
      FAIL

      Re: Pseudo scientific load of cobblers @GrumpyKiwi

      Working in NZ local govt myself, I hear you. HR? Stands for Hopelessly Retarded, doesn't it?

    2. ShadowDragon8685

      Re: Pseudo scientific load of cobblers

      Did it occur to you 16 years ago that they were looking for a sociopath to employ?

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