back to article Lethal 4-hour-erection-causing spiders spill out of bunch of ASDA bananas

Yet another British family has been forced to flee its habitat after an infestation of Brazilian wandering spiders smuggled itself into their nest on the back of a bunch of supermarket bananas. The Brazilian wandering spider's bite is so venomous it can leave males of many species with a painful four-hour long erection before …

  1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    'British version of Walmart'

    I thought it *was* Walmart? (In the same way Cadburys are Kraft foods)

    1. Chris Miller

      Re: 'British version of Walmart'

      Quite. It's a subsidiary - but the last Asda I went in didn't have a gun aisle, unlike the last Walmart I visited.

      1. JustNiz

        OK time for some fact-based info

        @Chris Miller: I seriously doubt it was an aisle, unless you're talking about airsoft or other non-lethal/toy guns. Some of the larger Walmarts in the US do indeed have a sporting section which includes a separate desk with locked display cabinets of firearms behind. Mostly hunting rifles. Its not like you can just wander down an aisle and take an AR-15 off a peg. And while I'm at it, lets end another myth: Whenever you buy a firearm in the US you have to pass an FBI background check before you can take it away (Gun shows and private trades are the only exception). Its just a form and a phone call but nevertheless it's actually not as easy/unregulated as the fact-free sensationalist UK media (including the BBC) would have you believe.

        1. asdf Silver badge

          Re: OK time for some fact-based info

          >Gun shows and private trades are the only exception

          Online sales in some cases as well. Seen much higher figures but safe to say at least 20% of the guns that switch hands in the US are done without a background check. Still as the poster above implies even here in probably the most gun friendly red state its hardly the wild wild west.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: OK time for some fact-based info

            Gun shows aren't an exception, same rules apply. Buy from a dealer and go through a NICS check, private sales may or may not need to depending on state.

            Online sales have to go to a FFL in the buyer's state, who will then run the NICS check before handing over the weapon, unless the weapon is Curio/Relic eligible and the buyer has a C&R license.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: OK time for some fact-based info

            "Online sales in some cases as well. Seen much higher figures but safe to say at least 20% of the guns that switch hands in the US are done without a background check. Still as the poster above implies even here in probably the most gun friendly red state its hardly the wild wild west"

            Since we are going there, HERE is the scoop:

            * In the U.S. , there are two types of sales: private sales between individuals and sales from an FFL (Federal Firearms License) dealers.

            * ALL new guns are going through an FFL and require a background check. That includes new gun sales from an FFL dealer at a gunshow, or sales over the internet. ALL NEW GUN SALES REQUIRE A BACKGROUND CHECK.

            * Between individuals , State law applies. In Georgia, for example, I can sell longarms or pistols face-to-face without a background check. I can send a longarm through the mail to another individual in the state without a background check. I CANNOT send a pistol through the mail to another individual without a background check. I CAN send the pistol through the mail to an FFL dealer in the state, and the receiving party would need to go to the dealer and pass a background check before he could recieve the pistol. I CAN send pistols or rifles to an FFL in another state where an individual can pick them up after passing a background check.

            The "gunshow loophole" is simply that individuals go to gunshows with a gun to sell, and may sell that gun to another individual (or FFL) in the state without a background check. This is allowed as all other face to face exchanges are allowed. Again, it is NOT allowed to purchase a gun from an FFL dealer at a gunshow without a background check. So when people are attacking "the gunshow loophole", what they are really trying to do is to prohibit transfers of guns between individuals without a background check. It has NOTHING to do with gunshows.

        2. Chris Miller

          Re: OK time for some fact-based info

          @JustNiz - it was Flagstaff, AZ (as you say, a manned area at the back of the store, you couldn't just pick up a rifle and put it in your trolley). I had a good chat with the knowledgeable guys manning the area - they were bewildered that we couldn't buy this stuff in the UK :)

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: OK time for some fact-based info

          Its just a form and a phone call but nevertheless it's actually not as easy/unregulated as the fact-free sensationalist UK media (including the BBC) would have you believe.

          Oh yes, good thing the FBI background check phone call stops all mass murderers.

        4. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: OK time for some logic-based thinking...

          The USA has about as many guns as people.

          Therefore, when somebody blows their last mental fuse on any given Monday, then they typically only need to walk to their closet to fetch their existing guns and ammo. There's no "background check" to prevent them from opening their closet.

          People go nutz every day. But in the USA, they probably ALREADY have guns.

          Background Checks are to Guns what a Drunk Driving Sobriety Test would be to **Purchasing** a Car.

          Which would be as stupid and useless as it sounds. ...Just like 'background checks' for gun purchases.

          What's actually amazing here is that I'm apparently the first and only person on Earth to figure this out. I've never seen this duh-obvious point made by anyone except me.

          1. asdf Silver badge

            Re: OK time for some logic-based thinking...

            Honestly if you don't keep a gun in your house the odds of you being murdered by a firearm outside of some inner city areas is very small even in the US. Significantly more than 2/3rd of all gun deaths are suicides and accidents. The majority of gun homicides are also committed by "loved" ones. Hardly a fan of gun control but don't like the lies that guns make you safer either. Guns don't scare me. ISIS and terrorism doesn't scare me. Traffic scares me, because that is what's most likely to kill me or an immediate family member by far at this point in our lives (more than hour spent in the car daily drives the point home). Can't wait for them to get the self driving cars bugs worked out fast enough so maybe a significant portion of the drunk fools in society pass out instead of going the wrong way on the freeway.

            1. Natalie Gritpants

              Re: OK time for some logic-based thinking...

              Traffic deaths are decreasing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reported_Road_Casualties_Great_Britain#/media/File:Killed_on_British_Roads.png and that's with traffic and population increasing. Must be all those speed cameras :-) or could it be Kevlar brake pads, radial tyres, jelly-mold car fronts and better road design?

        5. el_oscuro

          Re: OK time for some fact-based info

          Over here in northern VA, the local Dicks sporting goods has a complete section with hunting rifles and shotguns. They are behind the counter but not locked.

          1. x 7

            Re: OK time for some fact-based info

            " Dicks sporting goods has a complete section with hunting rifles and shotguns."

            Rather appropriate name for such a shop

    2. Old Tom

      Re: 'In the same way Cadburys are Kraft foods'

      You're behind the times, that should read 'In the same way Cadbury are Mondalez International'.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Cadburys

        But we still have Mars in the UK, although part of Mars international. If this had happened to one of their products, we'd be coming over all Ziggy Stardust now.

        1. Vic

          Re: Cadburys

          If this had happened to one of their products, we'd be coming over all Ziggy Stardust now.

          <jarvis> Now that's the last thing I'd want to happen </jarvis>

          Vic.

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: What A Way To Go....

      That would be pronounced "My-co--za-flow--pin".

      1. hplasm Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: What A Way To Go....

        "That would be pronounced "My-co--za-flow--pin"."

        You you really think so? Here?

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: You you really think so? Here?

          You have a point...

    2. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: What A Way To Go....

      "In addition to this, before the brand name viagra, they were going to name it mycoxaflopin"

      Oh not this one again! The generic name for Viagra is actually Sildenafil - I know because I'm an acquaintance of both the discoverer of the drug, Doctor Drew Peacock, and the owner of the patent, Doctor Hugh Jardon.

      <Coughs>

      But on a more serious note, what happens if you get bitten by one of these spiders and have to rush to A&E?

      - Doctor, help me, a spider gave me this huge erection!

      - Pervert. You've got chronic Arachnophilia and you need to go and see a psychiatrist before it's too late...

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Doctor, help me, a spider gave me this huge erection!

        Well, it wouldn't be the first time you got a hard-on from something off the web.

        1. Smody

          Re: Doctor, help me, a spider gave me this huge erection!

          I really did LOL when I read this. The headline was crazy enough ("Lethal" + "4-hour-erection-causing"?), but this was the perfect response.

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

          Re: What A Way To Go....

          > "I know what it means, i didn't even have to look it up......."

          I was rather surprised that the author didn't try to work it in somewhere (oops, no pun intended).

          Kind of hard (oops) to make a pun out of "priapism", but maybe describe the spiders as "peripatetic priapistic poisoners"?

      3. Triggerfish

        Re: What A Way To Go....

        It's not just the huge erection, apparently if you survive there's a good chance that it breaks your cock forever after.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: What A Way To Go....

          The Blue Knob of Death?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: What A Way To Go....

          "It's not just the huge erection, apparently if you survive there's a good chance that it breaks your cock forever after."

          Well, maybe for you girls that aren't used to four hour erections.

          Just business as usual for me.

          1. Triggerfish

            Re: What A Way To Go....

            Yes I said after.

            One shot one time, and never more, not sure that would keep your missus happy, then again maybe it would .........

      4. W4YBO

        Re: What A Way To Go....

        "The generic name for Viagra is actually Sildenafil"

        Considering its purpose, Cialis has a great generic name... Tadalafil.

      5. cortland

        Re: What A Way To Go....

        Well, if you know people in the pharmaceutical industry, here's an opportunity; a new NATURAL cure for ED.

        Should sell like (cough, cough) "gang-busters".

        In commercial terms, it'll have legs.

  3. Sureo

    Curious

    It's curious how the company comments are at odds with the obvious facts. They should apologize and pay for the costs involved without fuss.

    1. barstewardsquad

      Re: Curious

      It's curious how the company comments are at odds with the obvious facts. They should apologize and pay for the costs involved without fuss.

      The obvious facts being that the customer told them it had happened and so it must be true?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Must be true.

        We accept such from companies, many already proven to be less than truthful. If the customer is lying have the police investigate for fraud.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Curious

        "It's curious how the company comments are at odds with the obvious facts. They should apologize and pay for the costs involved without fuss.

        The obvious facts being that the customer told them it had happened and so it must be true?"

        When I was younger there was hysteria about the log flume ride at the new theme park - the hollowed out logs were infested with deadly snakes from South America.

        God knows what the death toll was.

        That would be the fiberglass logs.

        So, count me in the group that needs confirmation for everything.

    2. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Curious

      All our xxx are xxx they are transported to the UK and every single piece of xxx is manually checked for quality and xxx.

      I think that that is the standard 'Oh eff off and die" response to the media/public as a whole. Customer Service departments worldwide have an app they use to run off trite like that as or when required.

    3. Benchops

      Re: Curious

      The response should be: if, as you say, this is so incredibly rare, you will not worry one second about paying to fumigate each and every time it happens.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Curious

      On the other hand, 1500 baby spiders in the size of a 20p coin, they're tiny. Maybe a fully grown spider can inflict a nasty bite but these are a long way short of that, a long way from their natural environment, not going to survive.

      This story sounds a bit like it might be "over-reacting consumer spots an opportunity to screw the shop for compensation". I'd just have gone round with an insecticide spray (just to pre-empt the pedants, yes, spiders are arachnids not insects but insecticide still kills them).

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: Curious

        Generally speaking most venemous animals are venoumous right from the get go (as it's used for hunting and defence).

        In fact there is a school of thought it may be better to be bittten by an adult snake versus a juvenile because an adult snake has more control and is more likely to dry bite, or only partial inject, (have seen this behaviour with King Cobras) whereas the little uns will just fully envonomate you.

        Not sure how that translates to inverts, pretty sure it does with Octopusses, either way don't underestimate venomus animals just because they are babies.

  4. Novex

    "...every single piece of fruit is checked..."

    My arse.

    1. Pascal

      > "...every single piece of fruit is checked..."

      ... from outside the crate, through those tiny hole used for air flow and whatnot, while being loaded 10,000 at a time in a cargo container ...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      I came to say the same...

      "every single piece of fruit is manually checked for quality and stowaways."

      "We sell one billion bananas every year "

      So even if they only spent 1 second for each banana that would equate to roughly 277,778 man hours.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        "So even if they only spent 1 second for each banana that would equate to roughly 277,778 man hours."

        And that's only the bananas. Then there are all the apples, oranges, pears... And don't forget to check each grape.

        1. Triggerfish

          Tilbury

          Dock workers at Tilbury used to tell me they would all stand outside the Banana warehouse when a shipment came in with sticks and there would be a literal flood of spiders when the doors were opened.

          1. W4YBO

            Re: Tilbury

            In the southern US, we have Wolf spiders that carry their egg sacks underneath their abdomen. I don't care how manly a man you are, you will squeal like a little girl when a thousand baby spiders run out from under your shoe.

            1. Triggerfish

              Re: Tilbury

              I have walked into a bathroom only to have a full size Scolopendra subspinipes (Vietnamese giant centipede) casually wander over my bare foot, which frankly almost saved me the trip to the toilet I initially went in there for.

        2. veti Silver badge

          You're counting it wrong...

          Bananas in Asda cost about 16p each. If someone at minimum wage can check 3600 per hour (one second each), that would cost 0.2p per banana. Perfectly feasible.

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge

      Your arse

      every single piece of fruit is checked..."

      Errrrrmm. Yes, I can see that.

      But how about watermelon, or durian? Even pomegranates would be stretching it already...

      1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

        Re: Your arse

        But how about watermelon, or durian?

        Huh? You mean you get durian shipped into the UK? Colour me surprised.

        1. x 7

          Re: Your arse

          "Huh? You mean you get durian shipped into the UK? Colour me surprised."

          Saw some on sale in a fruit and veg shop on the Edgware Rd around ten years ago. I wasn't tempted

          1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

            Re: Your arse

            @x 7 - Sorry, I call fake. If it was a real durian, you wouldn't say "saw". You wouldn't need to get that close.

  5. tony72
    Coat

    Lethal 4-hour-erection?

    Any duration of erection can be lethal, it just depends where you stick it.

    1. Little Mouse

      Re: Lethal 4-hour-erection?

      Maybe if you just got bitten by one of the baby spiders?

      A three-hour non-lethal stiffy wouldn't be so bad.

  6. TRT Silver badge

    Is there an antidote?

    And how quickly does the antidote work? I'm just trying to work out the window of opportunity here.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. earl grey Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Is there an antidote?

        order of seconds

        That should do...

        1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Is there an antidote?

          So I can add "Honey! If we don't get to the bedroom right now, I'm going to die!!" to my sleazy, manipulative lines?

          Spiders just moved a few spots up my personal "man's best friend" list.

    2. Fink-Nottle

      Re: Is there an antidote?

      The only sure way is to suck out the poison from the affected area ...

  7. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Did someone ID the spider

    I am wondering, did someone ID the actual spider.

    There are plenty of other species which can end up attached to fruit and veg in a shop.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: Did someone ID the spider

      Yes, that sounds fishy..

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: Did someone ID the spider

        You know I am pretty comfortable with things like spiders and snakes, but I think even I would be a little wary about hanging around if a bunch of those little buggers have gone wandering.

        I think I would have at least got the family out before having a go at trying to identify if its a relatively harmless tarantula or a spider that has a reputation for being agressive and highly venomous. Plus bet not many people know how to identify one offhand anyway, probably move first, look up species on your phone after is the better bet.

      2. Korev Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Did someone ID the spider

        <iYes, that sounds fishy..</i> I'm pretty sure fish don't live in banana trees - you asda be certain before posting stuff like this

    2. David Nash Silver badge

      Re: Did someone ID the spider

      Yes I was wondering that too. A nest of baby spiders could be any number of species, I would imagine.

      1. veti Silver badge

        Re: Did someone ID the spider

        Too right. F***ing foreign spiders, coming in taking up British homes and British spiders' jobs, and what does Asda do? It doesn't even know the spiders' names! How are we even going to know we've got rid of them?

        This is what Brexit was for, the f***ing EU would never let us throw out the foreign spiders. Now we can control our own bananas!

  8. Khaptain Silver badge
    Joke

    4 Hour erection

    I know plenty of women that would intentionally buy these bananas for their husbands/spouse/friend if they were guaranteed that the erection lasted that long.

    You just don't want to be on your own for 4 hours...... and definitely not at work, especially if you are a teacher

    1. Anonymous Blowhard

      Re: 4 Hour erection

      "I know plenty of women that would intentionally buy these bananas for their husbands/spouse/friend if they were guaranteed that the erection lasted that long."

      and that it would be fatal...

    2. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: 4 Hour erection

      And its not necrophilia if they were alive when you started!

      1. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: 4 Hour erection

        maybe some scientist needs to find a safe dose of spidey venom as a viagra alternative? Might be hard to instruct the spider in its proper administration, though...

        1. Jamie Jones Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: 4 Hour erection

          So, to add insult to injury, before killing you, it shortens the duration of your erection?

  9. frank ly Silver badge

    Considerate

    "We are sorry for any upset this has caused and are keeping Mr Gamble updated throughout our investigation,"

    I'm sure that will be a great comfort to him and his family.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

    ....then you have a claim against them on the grounds of Health and Safety, Sales of Dangerous Goods - fuck it, I'd being suing them for attempted murder.

    Get yourselves a decent lawyer, and take these slack fuckers to the cleaners.....

    1. pryonic

      Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

      Attempted murder? Come off it...

      A murder has to be intentional I believe, so unless you're accusing some Asda employee or supplier of attaching spider egg sacks to bananas on purpose at best it's going to be manslaughter through ignorance.

    2. Lee D Silver badge

      Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

      Your food is legally allowed to contain a certain number of insects per kilo.

      The law recognises that scanning every single banana that ever moves at every stage for every possible thing is infeasible.

      So you're actually in a country with laws that will say "X insect parts per million" etc. is acceptable on their food hygiene rules.

      Beyond that, we only have some bloke's word that they a) were there, b) were spiders, c) were deadly, d) escaped into the house. People try it on all the time. Not saying that he is, but good luck suing anyone for anything like this without masses of proof and even then ASDA will hide behind their regulations.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

        Spiders are not insects.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

            That would have to be a very evil enterprise indeed. Evil ASDA, part of Evil Megacorp Inc.

            "Banana?"

            "Banana!"

            "BANANA!"

          2. VinceH Silver badge

            Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

            "I don't think anyone claimed they were."

            Read Lee D's post immediately before that one:

            "Your food is legally allowed to contain a certain number of insects per kilo."

            While it doesn't say "spiders are insects" it is in effect excusing the presence of spiders on the basis a certain number of insects are allowed, thereby conflating spiders and insects. That may not be what Lee meant, but it is what he said.

        2. Squander Two
          Devil

          Spiders are not insects.

          But in a war they'd probably side with the insects.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: But in a war they'd probably side with the insects.

            You are Bill Bailey, AICMFP

          2. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

            Re: Spiders are not insects.

            Bill Bailey (not that one) quote ftw. Can't help being reminded of the bit in In Bruges, speaking of picking sides:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4REO0pucYY8

            "It's gonna be a war man, I can see it ..."

        3. Ken Hagan Gold badge

          Re: insect pedantry

          Sound advice for anyone who is annoyed by such pedantry is just to use the word "arthropod" instead. (Crustaceans aren't insects either and there are plenty of those that I wouldn't want to find in my nosh either.) In extremis, try "invertebrate". That will annoy a few purists but it will include slugs, which are yet another thing that I don't want in my lunch.

          1. PNGuinn
            Happy

            Re: insect pedantry

            "That will annoy a few purists but it will include slugs, which are yet another thing that I don't want in my lunch."

            Quite. But how often have you found one hiding in the folds of your salad?

            You haven't?

            Oh well, you're probably not looking carefully enough. Don't worry - they're mainly veg (albeit processed) anyway. You probably enjoyed them.

            Anyone remember the Smedleys Caterpillar? (I think it was a caterpillar.) Anyways, the tinned veg co was convicted of selling a tin of peas with one in, but appealed. Won the appeal as the judge ruled that it was normal to find tat particular pest among peas, so no case to answer.

            1. VinceH Silver badge
              Flame

              Re: insect pedantry

              "But how often have you found one hiding in the folds of your salad?

              You haven't?"

              No, because to me salad is not food, and any that comes with my meals is left untouched. We have an entire history in which we have mastered the art of killing animals for food - so why let that go to waste by eating things that are just found in the ground. That's crazy.

              Icon representing the flame on which my next burger will be cooked.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: insect pedantry

                You're an evil carnivore

                1. VinceH Silver badge
                  Flame

                  Re: insect pedantry

                  In what way is eating meat - which the human race has evolved to do - evil?

                  Besides, I don't just eat meat. That burger I mentioned, for example? It will be between two halves of a bread roll, and accompanied by chips. There will also be ketchup. None of these things are meat.

                  But that salad muck? Feed it to other animals, which I may be inclined to eat at a later date.

                  1. Anonymous C0ward

                    Meat is murder

                    Tasty, tasty murder.

                2. WolfFan Silver badge

                  Re: insect pedantry

                  You're an evil carnivore

                  You say that as if it were a Bad Thing.

          2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: insect pedantry

            "Crustaceans aren't insects either and there are plenty of those that I wouldn't want to find in my nosh either"

            There are several that are quite good nosh, however.

          3. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

            Re: insect pedantry

            @Ken Hagen - I ordered a bowl of shrimps, and it was FULL of arthropods!

    3. Marketing Hack Silver badge
      Stop

      Re: If you sell someone edible goods, and they come with venomous spiders...

      Murder?? Really?? I am no expert on British law, but in the U.S. you would not even get manslaughter. Depending on the jurisdiction, you MIGHT be able to get criminal negligence (if you can prove that the store/distributor willfully failed to properly fumigate said bananas), but for a crime, you need criminal intent. Missing a spider egg sac during fumigation and inspection procedures doesn't apply.

      You could sue the crap out of the store and supplier for wrongful death, pain and suffering and product liability though.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Another person who doesn't know what murder is

    Attempted murder my arse. No-one tried to kill anyone.

    Bananas are part of nature and grow alongside other parts of nature that very occasionally hitch a ride. Unless it can be proved that the supermarket has been negligent - it would be be for a court to decide - then it's just part of life. No-one died - get over it.

  12. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    So how long will those spiders be able to live outside their natural habitat?

    1. Erewhon

      "So how long will those spiders be able to live outside their natural habitat?"

      You mean like a nice warm house with bananas in it.....

      1. Julian Bond

        Re: "So how long will those spiders be able to live outside their natural habitat?"

        Do these spiders eat bananas? I think we should be told.

        1. Khaptain Silver badge

          Re: "So how long will those spiders be able to live outside their natural habitat?"

          Do these spiders also have 4 hour erections ? I'll leave it you each and all to verify for themselves.

          1. Steven Roper

            Re: "So how long will those spiders be able to live outside their natural habitat?"

            The spiders probably do have four hour erections, and I believe it is also a fact that male spiders tend not to survive the act of procreation, so death after erection doesn't really matter for them.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re:natural habitat

      "natural habitat" is a bit outdated and vague ... we know that the UK climate is the natural habitat for wolves, bears, and wild cats. The fact there aren't any in the UK has nothing to do with it not being a natural habitat, and everything to do with human activity.

      Given how species of all forms of life can migrate in a variety of ways, it can be hard to determine what a natural habitat is. Also bearing in mind that annoyance of climate changers that an environments climate can vary enormously over quite short periods of time.

      We have had a few relatively mild winters which might - depending on the availability of food, and lack of predators - allow several colonies of these spiders to thrive and expand. And then die back - possibly to local extinction - at the first November-March freeze.

      1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: re:natural habitat

        Note to self--start shipping cages full of wolves, bears and wild cats to Britain.

        Additionally, you guys can have the raccoons and skunks that live in my neighborhood.

        1. PNGuinn
          Unhappy

          Re: re:natural habitat

          "Additionally, you guys can have the raccoons and skunks that live in my neighborhood."

          No, don't need.

          Have got plenty of political varmits of our own. Would you like some?

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: re:natural habitat

          "Additionally, you guys can have the raccoons and skunks that live in my neighborhood."

          We've got a lot of buzzards in our neighborhood that I'm willing to throw in.

          They are making me uneasy.

  13. Cuddles Silver badge

    Typical Asda

    Bananas are supposed to come with the highly deadly black tarantula. The family should be complaining for being fobbed off with a cheap substitute.

    1. BoldMan

      Re: Typical Asda

      Has the Daylight arrived yet so I can go home?

    2. Charles 9 Silver badge

      Re: Typical Asda

      Oh? I thought the Brazilian wandering spider WAS the most venomous spider out there, with the Australian funnel web at #2.

    3. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Typical Asda

      long ago, a friend of mine had a pet tarantula. kept it in a terrarium. Named it after his favorite bar.

      I wonder if you can keep a 'viagra spider' as a pet?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That's it

    Just a little bite, go on.

  15. War President
    Coat

    Leading to the eventual inquest...

    M'lord, I am not a necrophiliac; he was alive when I started!

    I'll see myself out...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Leading to the eventual inquest...

      The exact same joke was posted hours before yours.

  16. x 7

    This shouldn't be a hard case to prove in court. I hope the judge sticks Asda with a stiff damages claim. After all, the family seem fairly upstanding members of society with an upright reputation. They should go to court standing erect, stiff backed and look the Asda lawyers right in the eye. That should make the bastards swallow and choke on whats coming to them.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
      Coat

      This comment forum is getting positively sticky.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Buy better bananas

    Buy bananas from the Winward islands. Not only are you supporting small-scale renewable farming there's no risk of anything poisonous :-)

    1. WolfFan Silver badge

      Re: Buy better bananas

      Depends on the island. There are lots of great spiders on some, and at least one has fer-de-lance. Admittedly it'd probably be hard for a 10-ft snake to sneak in with a bunch of bananas, but those boys are smart for reptiles.

  18. harmjschoonhoven

    Bah,

    with spiders or without spiders, bananas are radioactive !!

    1. David Nash Silver badge

      Re: Bah,

      They are, and what's more you get antimatter from them. That's a cool fact for impressing the kids.

    2. Captain DaFt

      Re: Bah,

      "bananas are radioactive !!"

      Meh, just low yield potassium. Now Brazil nuts, on the other hand, can be 33% more radioactive than normal background, due to radium stored in the nut's fat.

      Not stopped me from eating them though, they're tasty!

      1. Squander Two

        Brazil nuts

        Brazil nuts' shells are also so high in aflatoxin that the EU tried banning them. For a few years there, you could only get them without their shells. That ban seems to have been repealed, though, judging by supermarket shelves.

        Killer fact! Saddam Hussein's regime was the only ever to weaponise aflatoxin.

        1. x 7

          Re: Brazil nuts

          "Killer fact! Saddam Hussein's regime was the only ever to weaponise aflatoxin."

          Not true. The Israelis did it as well, though never deployed it.

  19. Bibbit

    It is not all bad if you are a man.

    Providing you survive the bite the priapism subsides but you forever have extra staying power. Such "spider-men" (not no that one) are much prized as husbands and seen to bring good fortune in some cultures.

    If the family had gone for fairtrade organic bananas this would never have happened so I supposed in a way they deserve this inconvenience for exploiting the poor cowed communities of blah blah blah...

  20. JustNiz

    >> All our bananas are washed and sprayed before they are transported to the UK and every single piece of fruit is manually checked for quality and stowaways."

    Clearly, a lie.

  21. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    Angel

    Jibbers Crabst

    So many posts and no mention of Jibbers Crabst?

    http://theoatmeal.com/blog/jibbers_crabst

    (the appropriate segment starts around five minutes in. Watch the translator...)

  22. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Every single piece of fruit is manually checked for stowaways ...

    In which case logically the eggs must have been laid AFTER the fruit had been checked. So it seems that the ASDA store or its warehouse is infested with a breeding colony of deadly spiders. They should therefore be shut down immediately and fumigated.

  23. cd

    Hopefully they'll also give him a free year of credit monitoring and protection.

  24. DougS Silver badge

    Spiders on bananas used to be common

    My mom grew up in a small town in rural Kansas, and when she was a little girl the general store would get bananas delivered as a complete stalk, and once in a while they'd find a tarantula had tagged along when they were breaking it up into bunches for sale.

    They'd catch it and put it on display under a bell jar in the front window for everyone to see. According to my grandmother she about had a heart attack once when my mom opened up the bell jar and let it crawl around on her arm...apparently spiders were one of my grandmother's phobias, and my mom must have had a devilish streak in her back then :)

  25. The Mighty Spang

    Scary video about what can happen with a priapism

    "Smarter Every Day" talked to a doctor about what can happen, after seeing a similar spider in the jungle.

    WARNING. no swears or anything but the description of what can happen and what it can do to you and what the treatments are WILL MAKE YOU WINCE. and maybe crawl into a corner and cry.

    however, forewarned is forearmed. all joking aside, if this happens to you GET TO THE DOCTORS

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN0VtHez9xI

  26. Graham Lockley

    Not once in all the above comments have I seen a mention of the most obvious elephant in the room.

    'As reported in The Sun'

    Nuff said.

  27. A Ghost
    Black Helicopters

    Arachnids, Sar! Farsands of 'em!

    I have a whole family of False Widows in my home. Thousands of them. I assume.

    They parachute down at night and land on my head. I catch them sometimes. They live under my bed mostly. I regularly find them crawling over me as I go to sleep.

    I would imagine I've been bitten quite a few times by now, and I must be immune to the venom. I saw a program on a bloke that used to keep snakes and would up the dosage of the actual venom he milked, day by day or week by week, making him immune and his whole immune system stronger.

    I also live with a lot of mould, not having cleaned for years. There is bacteria everywhere. Rotting food.

    I do make sure I wash up every day though and have clean work surfaces so I don't get food contaminated - I'm a stickler for food hygiene in that sense. My fridge has several types of mould in it, having said that.

    I've had a few very severe stabbing pains, that I assume come from bites from the baby False Widows. The bigger ones are the size of a 50p coin almost, and yes, have the death skull on them. I've studied them quite a bit, and it seems there are actually two variations of them here in the south of england.

    I'd like to save them all and not kill any of them when I have a clear up soon. But alas that will not be practical - sorry little fellas.

    When I say I have thousands of them, I mean literally thousands of them. They really don't bite you at all and are actually very friendly, for a spider, just wanting to live, and to have babies, and replicate. Bit like us really.

    The death head skulls are fascinating under the magnifying glass. But you can tell that this is a spider you don't mess with. There's a mutual respect. I'm going to regret getting rid of them. I always put them under a glass and put them outside (which usually means death anyway). When you disturb them, they are all over the place and the chances of getting bitten are much higher. So I have started 'exterminating' (murdering) the little buggers, albeit with a heavy heart.

    I don't recall ever consciously being bitten by one Steatoda nobilis - but I must have been, at one point at least. If not several times.

    I used to have almost fist sized house spiders that everyone gets this time of year when the wet sets in, but funnily enough, I've not seen any for a couple of years now. Seen them off, I suppose.

    Yes, it will be a shame to see them go, when I clean up, after about five years of dust, mould, detritus, cruft and whatnot. I think five years is long enough for anyone to have a nervous breakdown, and with no end in site, no help on the horizon, it's time to POST by pulling oneself up by the proverbials.

    Oooh, titter ye not - sounds painful! Nooo...

    Maybe not as painful as getting bitten by a false widow though. I'm almost tempted to pick one up in my hand. And maybe I will, when I find the last one, just keep it as a pet - if I find I am immune, I wouldn't mind having them in the house - they certainly keep quiet company.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Arachnids, Sar! Farsands of 'em!

      Oh, God.

  28. waldo kitty
    Facepalm

    it happened again??

    this article is very similar to another one in the last year or so... bananas and spiders with an infestation that drove the family from their home... different supplier i think but still... someone's not taking their job seriously...

  29. x 7

    just thinking you could have some fun with these...........sprinkle a few baby spiderlets under your foreskin before sex. Could have an arousing effect on both partners. Only a few though - overdoing it would be problematic.

    With the correct genetic selection you might even get a version which wove a spidersilk condom as well. The ultimate in natural aids

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019