back to article Man accused of $180k ass-based gold smuggling scam awaits verdict

A Canadian man accused of smuggling $180,000 of gold out of the Royal mint – allegedly in his anal cavity – is awaiting a court verdict after his defence condemned the government’s case as “appalling” and entirely circumstantial. Leston Lawrence, 35, of Ottawa was accused of charges including theft, laundering the proceeds of …

  1. Christoph Silver badge

    There's gold in them thar hills

    1. Stevie Silver badge

      4 Christoph

      Yeah, but you gotta dig for it.

  2. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  3. Spudley

    With a verdict due, I bet he's sh**ing bricks right about now.

  4. Haku
    Coat

    I'd be shitting bricks if I was caught smuggling gold up my ass.

  5. MrKrotos

    /me waits for the flood of "Gold Ring" jokes :P

  6. GarethJ
    Coat

    I just think he was the Golden boy, who was looking to obtain the Golden Globes award.

    Mines the one with the Golden Ticket in the pocket.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Surely it must have caused internal damage to some organs...

      Could've wrecked 'em.

    2. Morten_T
      Joke

      "/me waits for the flood of "Gold Ring" jokes :P"

      You mean "One ring to fool them all" kinda thing?

  7. wikkity

    Why on earth would you sell it so close to where you got it from and you'd have to be daft to keep selling to the same place each time, assuming it's an above board establishment..

  8. Steve K Silver badge
    Coat

    Questioning

    Q: "Have you got any gold on you?"

    A: "Yes, stick your hand up my arse, I've got piles"

  9. Richard Rae

    Rainbows?

    Maybe his arse is the end of the rainbow?

    1. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
      Childcatcher

      Re: Rainbows?

      So he's a unicorn! On the other end of things, when he says he enjoys golden showers, it is not a euphemism.

  10. Detective Emil
    Coat

    Laundering the proceeds of crime

    Absolutely essential in this case.

  11. Tromos
    Joke

    Usually the other way around.

    The hole with the mint in it.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Usually the other way around.

      It works both ways in this case

      1. Dave Harvey

        Re: Usually the other way around.

        Here in South Wales, we regularly refer to the "Hole with the Mint in it" - by that we mean Llantrisant!

    2. ridley

      Re: Usually the other way around.

      It's the comments like this one that make me keep coming back to The Register. Bravo Sir/Maam

  12. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

    Midas touch...

    Though I wouldn't want to handle the Gold when he's finished with it...

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: Midas touch...

      Though I wouldn't want to handle the Gold when he's finished with it...

      Reminds me of a story I heard from some of my less reputable friends. A guy they knew smuggled some cocaine into the country by anally inserted package, but the package leaked slightly. Not enough to be a problem for him, but the goods got contaminated. He failed to sell any of it, because absolutely nobody wanted to put it up their nose, and had to explain to the large, not easily amused money lender why he couldn't repay the debt with the considerable interest promised.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Midas touch...

      And you certainly wouldn't want to bite it to see if it's real, either.

  13. Tom 7 Silver badge

    One ring to fool them all.

    And he might have taken the precaution of some boiled eggs to bind them too.

  14. Rande Knight

    Stupid criminal is stupid

    Another criminal gets caught for being stupid and not even taking the most simple money laundering precautions.

    If you want to launder gold, start up a jewelry business making gold rings and chains, you buy an amount of gold legally and then you sell the rings and chains at a larger markup than usual due to the increased amount of gold you can include using the pilfered loot. Took me 2 mins to think of it. No doubt with some actual thought someone could think of one better.

    1. ridley

      Re: Stupid criminal is stupid

      Working in a Mint and starting up a Jewellery business might be seen as suspicious in some circles.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "found four pucks in Lawrence’s safety deposit box"

    When that's one way of describing it...

  16. TRT Silver badge

    "...found four pucks in Lawrence’s safety deposit box"

    Never heard it called that before.

  17. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    RCMP ... found four pucks in Lawrence’s safety deposit box.

    Well, that's a new euphemism.

    "You're walking funny today."

    "Had a seriously hot vindaloo last night and my safety deposit box is suffering."

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Deterrent

    He later said his time in gaol had in no way reduced his capacity for crime.

    1. ridley

      Re: Deterrent

      I see what you did there.

  19. Identity
    Big Brother

    Heavy, man!

    Have you ever picked up an ounce of gold? That's gotta hurt!

    Did he tell his lawyer, "There's more in it for you if you get me out of this"?

    1. danR2

      Re: Heavy, man!

      * "...if you get this out of me."

      fixed

    2. ridley

      Re: Heavy, man!

      I would rather stick an ounce of gold up my jacksie than an ounce of aluminium! It isnt the mass that matters its the volume....

  20. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Two points, if I may.

    1 "... the facility was unable to establish whether it was actually short of gold." Huh?

    2 "Prosecutors revealed that prior to the court case they had examined the possibility - with a dedicated mint security person taking one for the team, by taking one of the cookie-sized pucks out of the facility in the manner described." Always read the fine print in the job description before you sign the contract.

    1. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge

      The facility he worked in refined the gold that was shipped to them, so they end up losing quite a lot of mass when the impurities are removed. But why they wouldn't measure the output to make sure it was at least close to the input, is kind of a stupid thing on their part.

      But what really confuses me, is why didn't the guy bother to melt the pucks down into a different shape. Maybe make them look like some old colonial-era coins or something that he 'found' while diving or something. Hell, might be able to fool coin collectors and get even more money out of the gold.

  21. This post has been deleted by its author

  22. x 7

    Do you think he had to pucker his sphincter to retain the pucks?

    And will the new security checks include a daily asshole inspection? I think I'd want a very large bonus for having to endure that. What about the female employees? They have extra hiding places. Will they get a double inspection?

    1. DougS Silver badge

      If they had believed the walk through metal detectors it wouldn't be a problem, since previously he didn't set them off and suddenly he started doing so (randomly, since I doubt he was smuggling gold out every day)

      It would only be a problem for someone who had some metal in their body due to joint replacement or the like, who would set the detector off every time.

    2. cosymart
      Big Brother

      BOGOF

      The females get a special offer :-)

  23. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    "Mint security intern taking one for the team". FTFY.

  24. Steve K Silver badge
    Joke

    Apparently afterwards

    He spoke to the doctor:

    "Doc - I've got a flywheel stuck up there too."

    "Hmm, how long has it been there?"

    "I don't know, but it's been driving me nuts."

  25. Tim Schutte
    Trollface

    He was accused of "laundering the proceeds". . . I should hope so!!!

  26. AceRimmer1980

    Now that's one turd worth polishing.

  27. danR2

    Clean money

    "...laundering the proceeds..."

    Geez I hope so.

  28. danR2
    WTF?

    Judge Doody presiding

    No, I did NOT make that up.

  29. MrDamage

    Missed Opportunity

    Surely the headline should have read;

    Dumbstruck schmuck stuck pucks up muck-pucker.

  30. Scroticus Canis
    Alien

    Bum handheld scanners then

    On a saner note. The hand held scanners used at a platinum refinery I worked at, would always go off if female staff had a copper containing IUD fitted (<1g Cu) ; from both belly and bum side scanning. This was 15 years back so the scanners used by the canuks must be pretty crappy not to pick up an ounce of gold.

    (Alien as they are probe a lot)

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