back to article The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

With Hollywood types scratching their heads over who'll be the next James Bond, El Reg called on our finest asset - the beloved readers - to propose a successor to Daniel Craig, and you didn’t disappoint. The proposals ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous - anyone would think this wasn’t a serious exercise. And as …

  1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Where is this poll of which you speak?

    As title

    1. Steve Evans

      Re: Where is this poll of which you speak?

      I think it's like one of those "democratic" elections certain countries prefer...

      1. The Jon

        Re: Where is this poll of which you speak?

        I guess it must be For Your Eyes Only...

        1. wolfetone Silver badge

          Re: Where is this poll of which you speak?

          If there are no people to vote for, doesn't everybody win?

    2. SW10
      FAIL

      Re: Where is this poll of which you speak?

      First test failed—this is not a poll for Bond but a capability assessment to find the next Q...

    3. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: Where is this poll of which you speak?

      During loading, a DIV with id="poll", situated between the final two paragraphs, inherits some styles and then disappears because it also contains style="display: none;".

      Other than that the DIV is empty. Whoops!

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Clearly, if Basildon Bond is being mentioned, then Russ Abbot must be on the list.

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Why does it have to be a man? Denise Van Outen is also from Basildon.

    2. theModge

      Cake is a made up drug

      I can't hear Basildon Bond without thinking of the Brass eye episode around cake....

  3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    I don't know who could do it, but I'd love to see a Bond that behaves like Basil Fawlty.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Right. If you don't stop your annexation of the crimea, I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing.

  4. 45RPM Silver badge

    In the absence of a poll…

    I nominate Idris Elba. I think that if 007 is to be kept fresh and interesting then it needs to be periodically reinvented - and Idris could make for a seriously gritty, hard as nails, bad-ass Bond. Slimy and sleazy have been done to death - I want to see a Bond who I can imagine standing up to torture or beating the crap out of his opponent. Idris is that man.

    Or, and to amp the controversial (quite a lot), I’d pay to see Jamie Bond - played by Rachel Weisz, Naomie Harris or Kate Winslet. That would take quite a lot of reinvention since a female Bond would need to be significantly more intelligent than her male counterparts, since she’s unlikely to be able to overpower stronger opponents through brute force alone. Which isn’t to say that she couldn’t muster serious violence, if required…

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: a female Bond

      Why would a female super-spy character need to be shoehorned not just into the Bond mold, but the actual character as well? I suppose it might suit some sort of marketing angle, but why not just invent a new franchise, or do a proper spin-off with a new independent character?

      1. 45RPM Silver badge

        Re: a female Bond

        @AC, I’m up for that as well - but by leveraging the bond franchise, the film is likely to get more traction and more viewers. Let’s face it, you could well have said the same about the new Ghostbusters film - but if that film had been made under a different name I don’t think that it would have generated the interest and buzz (both positive and negative) that it did. And yes, the 2016 Ghostbusters is regarded as a commercial flop (despite being an excellent film), but it still made $224m vs. costs of $144m - which I’d call hugely successful, and probably more successful than it would have been if it had been called something other than Ghostbusters.

        The Bond films can get boring very quickly unless they’re regularly reinvented. And their reinvention is what keeps them interesting, relevant and exciting. I think it’d be great if they underwent a big reinvention this time!

        1. Richard 81

          Re: a female Bond

          Not that the all female Ghostbusters are female alternatives of Ray, Egon, Peter and Winston, they're entirely new characters.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: In the absence of a poll…

      Why do people keep banging on about Idris Elba? It's like you all think he's the only black, british actor out there.

      Nobody mentions, say, David Gyasi, or Charles Venn. It's always Idris fucking Elba.

      1. AMBxx Silver badge

        always Idris fucking Elba

        Back in the '80s, the BBC used Art Malik in a similar way whenver they needed an asian actor.

      2. 45RPM Silver badge

        Re: In the absence of a poll…

        @AC - because he’s proven, a known quantity, he has star quality. But yes - I agree. Cast someone else. Cast someone unknown. I don’t really care - as long as the actor has screen presence and believablility. Oh, and I’d prefer it if it wasn’t just another white bloke.

        1. E 2

          Re: In the absence of a poll…!

          @45RPM - how about a Polish immigrant or Syrian refugee then?

          1. 45RPM Silver badge

            Re: In the absence of a poll…!

            @E2 - because I think (s)he'd have to be British by birth rather than by adoption. But maybe that just shows a lack of imagination on my part. It might be quite nice, and certainly very relevant, for him/her to be the child of immigrants though…

      3. Jonathan Richards 1

        Re: In the absence of a poll…

        >Why do people keep banging on about Idris Elba

        Maybe because they think he's a good enough actor to take up the baton of Bond? After all, choosing an actor *simply because he is "black"* would be definitively racist, wouldn't it?

      4. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: In the absence of a poll…

        I'd say Idris Elba gets a lot of mentions from people who saw Vaughn Rice as a monster-hunting James Bond.

      5. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: In the absence of a poll…

        >Why do people keep banging on about Idris Elba? It's like you all think he's the only black, british actor out there.

        Elba has come top in quite a few "World's Sexiest Men" polls by various magazines - and being irresistible to women is a core Bond characteristic. Of the two gentlemen you cite, Gyasi looks too good natured - though does wear a suit well - and the other looks too youthfully cheerful.

        Chiwetel Ejiofor is more eligible, though he himself has suggested an American of Mexican descent, Micheal Pena - though perhaps just to throw the journalist off the question (can't blame him). I'm not sure that a franchise character is Ejiofor's cup of tea, either.

        There is an element of 007's character that suits his being non-white (or non-English): His feeling of never quite being a part of the establishment he serves.

      6. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: In the absence of a poll…

        Because Idris Elba is cool. Nothing more to it.

        Unfortunately, he's also too old. He's 44 now, and would be fine for the first one ......... but by his 3rd film he'd be in his 50s. That starts to get a bit silly, as previous Bonds have shown.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: In the absence of a poll…

      Female Bond has already been done in Besson's Nikita. Personally, based on her role in Leon, I'd love to see Natalie Portman reprise the role as an adult.

      However, Bond has always had strong female characters, with even a slight role reversal in Spectre for Monica Bellucci.

      Shit! Natalie Portman and Monica Bellucci in one post. That's mean done for the day. Where's the kleenex icon, when you need it! I guess this one'll have to do instead! :-)

      In any case, the actor matters much less than decent scripts: both Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan were great selections but they were giving fucking awful scripts and even worse directors.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: In the absence of a poll…

      BS meter on full alert!!!

      My wife is five foot five, has Black Belts in 6 different Martial Arts (including Kupso and Cilat). On top of that, she's trained in the use of Samuri Sword, Staff, Kali Sticks and trident daggers. There's not a Bond Baddie on the planet who could last two minutes against her.

  5. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge
    Coat

    Err... Bondy McBondFace?

    I don't want a prize, just acceptance.

  6. Steve Button

    Alistair Dabbs.

    Dabbsy or cancel the franchise. He's the only choice I assume!?

    1. TimR

      Re: Alistair Dabbs.

      Agreed - and it does seem as if he's in training for it....

  7. Efros

    Ewan McGregor

    About time a Scot was back in the role.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Dour faced Scot, loved by the ladies? Nicola Sturgeon.

  9. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Coat

    Emily Blunt

    If only for the flirtation with Ms Moneypenny

    *I'll get my coat, it's the one with the PPK and exploding belt buckle

    1. 's water music Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Emily Blunt

      If only for the flirtation with Ms Moneypenny

      *I'll get my coat, it's the one with the PPK and exploding belt buckle

      Oh, is that what your attributing the explosion in your trousers to?

  10. TRT Silver badge

    I meant to look for a suggestion...

    but forgot.

    Joseph Fiennes would be my man for the job.

  11. Toltec

    I thought of-

    Rufus Sewell, but it might be fun to have a bit younger Bond so went for Nicholas Hoult and because Hiddleston, Elba and Cumberbatch are too obvious.

  12. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    They'll probably give it to

    some upcoming american (wannabe) star who'll make a complete pigs ear of speaking proper English (even Mr Connery made it sound gorgeous).

    Then they'll give up after one film that bombs at the box office.

    Then they'll offer it to Idris.

    That the movie biz folks.

  13. Alister Silver badge

    Living embodiment of a martini Julian Clary

    Umm... "shaken, not stirred"?

    or is it "any time, any place, anywhere"?

  14. Alister Silver badge

    I think Dominic West should be considered for the role, he did a fair job of being the baddie in Johnny English Reborn.

  15. King Jack

    Milk Tray Man

    I thought the milk tray man was George Lazenby?

    1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: Milk Tray Man

      I thought the milk tray man was George Lazenby?

      No. George Lazenby was Big Fry.

      IIRC the ad said "Big Fry comes into town..." and featured Big Fry with a massive chocolate bar on his shoulder. I'm guessing this ad was produced by a team that had just enjoyed a long lunch and had to have something ready for a client presentation at 9:00 tomorrow.

  16. Professur

    I want a Bond who doesn't spend most of the movie crying about his childhood. Is that too much to ask today?

  17. TheOtherHobbes

    It'll probably be Simon Pegg - a fitting end to an improbably and inexplicably successful career.

    I think the next Bond should be virtual - maybe Siri, with Alexa as the villain.

    Just imagine the sexual tension.

    1. Roger Kynaston
      Coat

      Siri as Bond

      If we have Siri as Bond then the villain has to be Cortana while the rebellious good guy that Bond/Siri uses to defeat has to be a penguin.

      In terms of a Jane Bond - why not Sophie Okenedo?

      Mines the one with no original ideas it in it.

      1. 45RPM Silver badge

        Re: Siri as Bond

        Sophie Okenedo? Good call! Have an up-vote.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The next bond...

    Andrew Lincoln.

  19. Graham Marsden
    WTF?

    Black Bond, Female Bond? Why not a French/ American/ Chinese Bond...???

    Seriously, in these days of tiresome "reboots" (re-hashes might be a better word) because either people are running out of ideas or the big money is running scared of trying anything new, it would be just as daft to change Bond's colour, gender or anything else.

    If you want a female secret agent, come up with a character and background that will do justice to the idea, the same for a black agent (who doesn't have to be a John Shaft alike) don't try to force the Bond character to conform to a change simply for change's sake.

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      Re: Black Bond, Female Bond? Why not a French/ American/ Chinese Bond...???

      @Graham Marsden - Why not 'force the Bond character'? He's been a comic slimy perv (Moore), a potential family (Australian) man (Lazenby), a thug (Craig), by turns suave and bored (Connery), pointless (Dalton) and outclassed by his gadgets (Brosnan). All very different characters - and different from the character in the books too (educated, upper class). Changing the colour of his skin is a minor change by comparison, and if you're going to change the colour of his skin - why not change Bond's sex too?

      As to changing nationality, why? The thing is that there are many secret agent films with American stars (Bourne and Hunt being the most obvious). France has Hubert Bonisseur de La Bath. I'm not familiar enough with spy films from other countries - but I feel sure that each must have its own spy adventurers. But there aren't many British black, asian or female spies - and, last time I checked, the British nationalities do seem to include quite a few women and non-whites. So why shouldn't our greatest fictional hero represent them too?

      And yes, if you want him to be gay, I'm fine with that too.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: aren't many British black, asian or female spies -

        Hmm. Anyone want to go through all episodes of (e.g.) Spooks and make us a histogram? (I assume we are talking about fictional spies - if not, how about a FOI request to MI* :)

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Why not a Chinese Bond?

          Because we learned this week from the iPhone launch that apparently in Cantonese the number 7 sounds so similar to "penis" that it can be the source of much hilarity.

          "The name's Bond. James Bond. Double-oh-penis. Stop laughing please."

          1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
            Joke

            Re: Why not a Chinese Bond?

            Vodka Martini, shaken, not stir-fried

          2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
            Coat

            Re: Why not a Chinese Bond?

            The Spy Who Loved Chow Mein

  20. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Cleese?

    It can't be Cleese, he's already working for MI5 as Q - can't send him back out into the field at his age.

  21. tiggity Silver badge

    Could be a nice earner for some (female) Olympians

    Another person happy to see a gender change in the franchise.

    No shortage of women who could (convincingly) do the hard as nails physical combat stuff - e.g. Jade Jones & Nicola Adams both retained their 2012 Olympic titles in combat sports.

    And given that 007 is not the most demanding acting role, would not take long to train someone up (who already has the combat skills) in the minimal acting skills needed.

    1. theModge

      Re: Could be a nice earner for some (female) Olympians

      Sean Cannery was acting?

      1. Graham Marsden

        @theModge - Re: Could be a nice earner for some (female) Olympians

        Yes, Connery was playing the same character he plays in every film!

    2. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Could be a nice earner for some (female) Olympians

      If you want tough as nails, there's Vyvyan Basterd (Adrian Edmondson), though he might need to work on the 'suave and bored' attitude a bit.

  22. CanadianMacFan

    Aidan Turner

    I was thinking Russell Tovey but his flatmate in Being Human seems to have the poise to play Bond better.

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      Re: Aidan Turner

      Wouldn't his ears get in the way? Tovey's I mean, not Turner's.

  23. A. Coatsworth
    Happy

    Dabbsy it is

    He has already shown he can handle double entendres better than Moore and Brosnan put together.

    Even so, the best suggestion n the original note didn't make it to the poll: filling up the Bond franchise with The IT Crowd's... ermm... crowd.

  24. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Larry Ellison needs to be a Bond villian--not Bond!

    Yes, Mr. Bond, once Operation Red King is completed the ENTIRE WORLD will be paying me 22% for maintenance!!

  25. Haku
    Devil

    I want Joey Essex or Justin Bieber to get the role.

    Because the film forums would be hilarious to read.

  26. Mutton Jeff

    Bondy McBondface

    is this the right compo?

  27. Dave 126 Silver badge

    John McAfee?

    That's if he isn't too busy running for President of the USA, obviously.

    / not sure if serious

  28. Mandoscottie

    Give it to Cameron or Nigel Farage, they got feck all else to do these days :D

    I vote Farage (i can see it now a bondesque Condorman type flick) "dickeadman!"

  29. Measurer
    FAIL

    Just the chap...

    Oh god, please don't let it be James Corden!

  30. This post has been deleted by its author

  31. The Vociferous Time Waster

    Hey, here's an idea

    We should have a female Bond, or maybe a black Bond? Oh, wait, that's already been harped on about every time they do the casting for a new movie. It's worse than when the Doctor regenerates and people start going on about equality in the way that people only do to appologise for white male privilege.

    I don't need to see fictional characters rebranded with a new race or a new gender just to balance things up, I want to see new and interesting characters given screen time regardless of their race or gender. Don't give me a black Bond give me a black character in an action movie that is as good or better than the Bond franchise.

    1. E 2

      Re: Hey, here's an idea

      Helen Mirren is in the list!

  32. Blofeld's Cat
    Mushroom

    Hmm...

    I don't really care who plays Bond as long as Eddie Izzard plays the villain.

  33. E 2

    Whither the BOFH?

    Whither the BOFH?

  34. Long John Brass Silver badge

    Mark Strong

    Seems to have the appropriate menacing air about him.

    Bond is a killer the only thing that should separate him from the people he hunts is who his employer is

    IE: He works for Her Maj therefore good guy

  35. Long John Brass Silver badge

    Here is an idea

    What about a bond movie from the PoV of the bad guy(tm)

    Henchmen disappearing left & right

    betrayed by your favourite wench

    That sinking feeling as the remorseless Bond moves in for the kill

    1. 45RPM Silver badge

      Re: Here is an idea

      That would make for an awesome film! Screw who Bond is - the point of view could be the secret sauce to make the new Bond film stand out. And, to up the tension, the audience could be in the dark as to who Bond is - at least initially. Henchmen going down at the hand of an unseen aggressor. Is it the chap who looks suspiciously like Mark Strong? Or is it that dude who might have been seen in TV shows like Luther? Or maybe they got a little too close to Kate Winslet?

      1. Long John Brass Silver badge

        Re: Here is an idea

        Hmmm how about this for continuity....

        Dan Craig as an outgoing Bond ... Only really see him in the last 5 min of the flick

        Mark Strong as the bad guy(tm) and at the end becomes the "new" Bond

        To cheesy?

  36. Roj Blake Silver badge

    Rupert Friend

    Why no option for Rupert Friend on the poll?

    I'm talking about the actor, not Bill Badger.

  37. Nameless Faceless Computer User

    Waiting for Michael Keaton

  38. John Styles

    Jessica Alba

  39. Adrian 4 Silver badge

    Dylan Moran

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