back to article Swedish Pokemon teens terrorised by laser-wielding 'sex pigs'

The tiny Swedish town of Insjön has been left shaken, traumatised and probably put off its breakfast after two porcine-feature exhibitionists launched a laser-enhanced sex spree on Friday. The porky pair were first encountered by a brace of Pokemon hunters, who were tracking Squirtles and Bulbasaurs in a local park on Friday …

  1. JeffyPoooh Silver badge
    Pint

    Wow...

    Just wow.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wow...

      2005 called, it wants its meme back.

  2. TRT Silver badge

    Well you know, Sweden...

    That kind of thing really isn't my bag, baby.

  3. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Due to conditioning

    I read that as 'Swedish Pokemon team' and was quite disappointed to discover that Pokemon hadn't been made an Olympic sport.

    1. Preston Munchensonton

      Re: Due to conditioning

      I read that as 'Swedish Pokemon team' and was quite disappointed to discover that Pokemon hadn't been made an Olympic sport.

      I thought the same thing, though I was incredibly relieved to see that the IOC had resisted the urge to fall down the rabbit hole. Enough Olympic madness as it is, apparently.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    To quote an earlier commetard

    "This manufactured Pokemon craze is about as authentic as Pulled Pork".

    1. GitMeMyShootinIrons

      Re: To quote an earlier commetard

      Sounds like there's plenty of pork being pulled here...

  5. Dan 55 Silver badge
    WTF?

    Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

    If the couple has had sex in the water wheel, it can fall under the heading of sexual molestation – if people become annoyed by it."

    Who would they be molesting, each other, other people in the vicinity who happen to be annoyed, the waterwheel?

    1. The Indomitable Gall

      Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

      Given the general weirdness of all the quotes, I think I'd pin that one on Google Translate....

    2. NorthernCoder
      Coat

      Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

      It is somewhat lost in translation, but what is meant is if anyone was around and was offended by it rather than appreciative.

      In other words, Google translate made a ham of it...

    3. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

      "If the couple has had sex in the water wheel, it can fall under the heading of sexual molestation – if people become annoyed by it."

      Why am I now thinking of the Swedish Police asking complainants to rate the performance, followed by something like this if they fail to impress the judges ?

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

        I read it 'fine outside the waterwheel, not fine in the waterwheel '

    4. phuzz Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

      Isn't that something like the UK laws on public nudity? ie it's fine, unless someone makes a formal complaint.

      Not that I'd know or anything.

      >>>> my coat, definitely wearing it your honour.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Should have stayed away from the water wheel...

        @phuzz

        >>>> my coat, definitely wearing it your honour.

        just ensure it's buttoned up at all times

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    And here I thought...

    ... the phrase to give someone "a good porking" was just a euphemism; never thought to see anyone acting it out literally.

    What is Swedish for "spam truncheon" anyway?

    1. Chika

      Re: And here I thought...

      Dunno, but the term "Making bacon" sprung to mind...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: And here I thought...

      > What is Swedish for "spam truncheon" anyway?

      "Spåm truncheön."

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: And here I thought...

      Presumably the film title "Porky's" has some reference to euphemistic slang - rather than just the name of the bar? Wasn't there a cherry lost somewhere in there too?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In unrelated news David Cameron takes holiday in Sweden after quitting office.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Isn't the current PM in Europe at the moment too?

      1. Geoffrey W

        Everyone in the UK is in Europe, at the moment.

  8. El Duderino
    Paris Hilton

    Porkemon?

    Paris, because, you know

  9. Simon Harris Silver badge

    Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

    whatever next?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

      long pig hunting competition...

      1. psychonaut

        Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

        mmmm longpigs....nom nom nom

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

          Pigs.... In.... SPAAAAAAAACE!

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

            Pigs in blankets.

            1. Adrian 4 Silver badge

              Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

              Pigs in mole stations.

    2. Strahd Ivarius

      Re: Pigs with frikkin' lasers...

      Hopefully sharks with laser?

  10. Warm Braw Silver badge

    If the police catch up with them...

    ... I wonder if the Ecuadorian embassy will save their bacon?

  11. cbars

    Swedish

    They do have a reputation for enjoying a good oinking

    I'm not telling porkies

    Seems like these two made a pigs ear of it though

    At least they didn't hog the laser light

    Some joke to do with masks...

  12. Aaiieeee
    WTF?

    Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

    In a previous job a colleague received in the post a laser pointer for presentations and after opening it proceeded to 'test it out' by shining it at people. Obviously the only way to catch anyone's attention is to shine it in the face/eyes.

    When I realised what was flashing near my face I went absolutely berserk. I had to snatch it from their hand and show them the big yellow warning label.

    Nobody has the right to damage my eyesight and I will react with extreme hostility if they try, even naively.

    Oh, and there was a manager who suggested looking into directly into the 10GB SFPs on our core switch to see if the light was on, and thought I was being 'ridiculous' for using the camera on my phone to check it.

    Edit: It makes me angry just thinking about it!

    1. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

      Re: Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

      Who TF downvoted you? Lasers are fscking dangerous.

      1. Geoffrey W

        Re: Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

        The kind of idiot that points them at people and aircraft.

      2. John H Woods Silver badge

        Re: Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

        Maybe he was downvoted by the manager to whom he referred?

    2. Kernel Silver badge

      Re: Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

      "Oh, and there was a manager who suggested looking into directly into the 10GB SFPs on our core switch to see if the light was on, and thought I was being 'ridiculous' for using the camera on my phone to check it."

      Or, as a common sign in the places I work says, "Do not stare at laser with remaining eye."

    3. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Some prick is shining lasers at teenagers playing a computer game?

      When I realised what was flashing near my face I went absolutely berserk. I had to snatch it from their hand and show them the big yellow warning label.

      Berserk is when you bust his nose and a couple of teeth, THEN show him the warning label.

  13. Sir Barry

    ???

    Would this be classed as bestiality?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ???

      Maybe in the same parallel universe where women dressed in school uniforms and adult babies are classed as child pornography.

      1. Preston Munchensonton

        Re: ???

        Maybe in the same parallel universe where women dressed in school uniforms and adult babies are classed as child pornography.

        Ah, so give the EU like 6 months to finalize the regs...

  14. tiggity Silver badge

    King & Queen T shirts

    Maybe they were Nido King & Queen masks?

  15. DropBear Silver badge
    WTF?

    Not that I condone molesting anyone with a laser of any kind - but didn't they say the typical modest "laser pointer" class lasers (not the "overkill" version that can pop balloons, mind you!) was limited to that power level exactly because it can't damage the eye before its blink reflex closes it - so to do actual damage you'd have to forcefully keep one's eyes open...?

    1. imanidiot Silver badge

      If its a proper well designed and tested model that meets specs, theoretically yes. Since most of these things come from china, in practice not at all.

      1. Dr_N Silver badge

        "If its a proper well designed and tested model that meets specs, theoretically yes. Since most of these things come from china, in practice not at all."

        But enough about iPhones....

    2. Geoffrey W

      So that makes it OK to shine them at people? I bet it was you that down voted the angry post above.

    3. cray74

      but didn't they say the typical modest "laser pointer" class lasers (not the "overkill" version that can pop balloons, mind you!) was limited to that power level

      Regulations vary. The UK recommends laser pointers remain below 1mW, while the US limits them to 5mW. Sweden limits pointers to 1mW in schools and public areas. Actually, 1mW seems to be an EU standard as I read more on this.

      Studies have shown that 5mW laser pointers are not dangerous for exposures under 10 seconds, but that doesn't address directly holding the laser up to the eye/pupil. Yes, people do that. My undergrad optics physics professor had an anecdote about a salesman at a laser convention who did something similar to prove his lasers were safe to shine between convention booths. The salesman was proven wrong immediately.

      However, as of December 2015, the US found 90% of blue and green laser pointers sold in the US do not comply with the 5mW limit. They are also frequently falsely labeled, with supposed 1mW lasers producing up to 20 to 100 times that wattage. Unless the EU is fantastically better at intercepting over-powered lasers or has different sources for its pointers (most pointers source their LEDs in Asia, right?), then the problem is probably similar there, too.

    4. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
      Boffin

      > ...before its blink reflex closes it...

      Fun fact: a certain percentage of people (very much non-vanishing but cannot cite the number) does not have any blink reflex when a laser is shown into their eyes. Learned that from a laser safety guy.

      Plus shining a laser in someones face is about as nice as poking a finger into it.

    5. Richard 12 Silver badge

      Unlikely to permanently damage

      Even assuming it's really a 1mW, temporary blindness is still no joke.

      It's not that different to pepper spray in your face.

  16. chivo243 Silver badge

    That's really

    putting the pork to it! Anybody remember the movie Porky's?

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084522/

    1. Roger Kynaston
      Coat

      Re: That's really

      Arghhh. I should really downvote you for bringing that back to light. Anyway, two can play at that

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087425/?ref_=fn_al_tt_5

      Not much link with the original story though except that they have skiing in Sweden.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "spotted by motorists on the local Highway 70 having sizzling sex"

    I get the bacon reference but why is it always 'sizzling'.

    Do people who can't 'sizzle' self-select to not perform publicly? That shows a level of self-awareness not apparent in other areas of human 'endeavour'. Or is that outdoor activity always adds a special frisson like cheap wine on a nice summer's evening?

    Enquiring minds . . .with nothing better to do. . . .

    1. Preston Munchensonton

      Re: "spotted by motorists on the local Highway 70 having sizzling sex"

      I get the bacon reference but why is it always 'sizzling'.

      If it's not sizzling, then you're not doing it (or her) right.

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: "spotted by motorists on the local Highway 70 having sizzling sex"

        I get the bacon reference but why is it always 'sizzling'.

        If it's not sizzling, then you're not doing it (or her) right.

        - Report mentioned a 'under a waterwheel' - no idea if it was functional or not (presume not), it'd be hard to sizzle while getting squelchy (squealchy?), oh and wet.

        I thought the article was referring to a new game, put me in mind of 'Psycho Pigs UXB'....

  18. TRT Silver badge

    Wonderful...

    everyday.

  19. emmanuel goldstein

    The perfect story: bacon, lasers and sex.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      What, no beer?!

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Smothered in brown sauc... wait. NOOOO!!!!! Mind bleach, mind bleach!

  20. DougS Silver badge

    One wonders what the green laser pointer was intended for

    I doubt they brought it along to harass Pokemon players, that was just a happy coincidence. I shudder to think how it could have been used in their later endeavors...

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: One wonders what the green laser pointer was intended for

      I shudder to think how it could have been used in their later endeavors...

      - (erotic) colour therapy? - green supposedly is a colour that promotes growth.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'd buy that for a dollar!

    "Swedish Pokemon teens terrorised by laser-wielding 'sex pigs'"?

    That sounds like the pitch for a bloody great horror film!!

    I'd have asked if you'd tried taking it to Hollywood, but on second thoughts you should make it yourselves- it's much too promising to have them ruin it with their bland corporate meddling. :-)

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In the late 1970s in Stockholm there were big billboard adverts for a popular magazine - immediately recognisable by their icon of a large yellow phallus. In the style of "Tit-bits" but also delivering a lot more bare flesh.

    One of their occasional features would show models having graphic sex in various positions in front of various landmarks in the city. One was the equivalent of Buckingham Palace. It wasn't even a top shelf magazine - and was stocked by newsagents and kiosks. The lady who ran our village newsagent "bokhandel" thought it a bit low class - but said it sold well.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thank you Register

    I live about 5 miles away from Insjon and somehow this news had escaped me.

  24. David 132 Silver badge
    Joke

    Rather Sex Pigs than War Pigs...

    ...maybe I'm just being Paranoid?

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never had anyone complain about me waving a laser pointer at them - probably due to the split-second follow up with a 7.62mm projectile curtailing their ability to form any sort of opinion on it...

    Green ones are better - doesn't spook the wildlife like the red ones do, apparently.

  26. Baldy50

    Pokemon revenge!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-RerthVB54

    Just shoot me please.

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