back to article Alleged Aussie plum plucker pleads guilty to motel tissue swipe

An Australian man has pleaded guilty to a string of charges after allegedly performing an "unauthorised" bollock-ectomy on a 52-year-old fellow Aussie in a New South Wales motel. According to reports, 57-year-old Allan George Matthews has copped to charges of “removing tissues from the body of another without consent or …

  1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Coat

    "The fate of the allegedly excised testicle"

    was excluded from the report because the alligator had already ate the evidence, Your Honor.

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: "The fate of the allegedly excised testicle"

      Crocodile.

    2. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Re: "The fate of the allegedly excised testicle"

      Sold to a famous Indonesian collector called Lukat Allmi Nutsinjarz.

  2. gerdesj Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    "nag-knobbled knackers"

    Beautifully put

  3. tiggity Silver badge

    nasties

    Cost issues?

    Is emergency medical treatment free in Oz?

    If so there's enough venemous spiders, snakes, sea creatures to choose from and (with careful handling of selected critter) get one of those to bite the offending nad..

    Wait a while (but well before death likely), getfree emergency hospital treatment & plead with medics to lop off the bitten nad in the process. as it's beyond saving

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: nasties

      You'd want to be very careful, some of the neurotoxins our critters release into humans are reported to leave lasting - non-localised - damage, even after the hospital visit for antivenom. :(

    2. glen waverley

      Re: nasties

      Tiggity "Is emergency medical treatment free in Oz?"

      All hospital treatment in Oz is free. Some conditions: have to be a resident of Oz (so visitors not included); there might be a waiting list if not urgent, so can be a problem for itinerant workers (which this guy might be) as you are on the list at a specific hospital.

  4. x 7

    so being an Oz, he would have either shot it off or bitten it off. Any idea which?

    Dunno why he didn't just cover his bollock with meat paste and then invite attention from a local Dingo

    1. Little Mouse

      @x7:

      Over there they call them "Sheilas".

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Unlike the yanks, Oz doesn't have an "everyone including inner-city-idiots" gets as many guns as they want.

      In Oz, it's a 0 gun per person policy, unless you're a farmer and need to shoot roos (or other livestock threatening things).

      Btw - We don't have many fake "farmers", using that as an excuse for a piece to be cool. Just saying.

      1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

        In Oz, it's a 0 gun per person policy, unless you're a farmer and need to shoot roos (or other livestock threatening things).

        Not quite. There are restrictions on the type*, calibre, capacity and number of firearms you can own here, while the supply, storage and use of both weapons and ammunition are are heavily controlled, but obtaining the necessary permits isn't particularly onerous for most people. You do have to have a clean past, have a "genuine reason" (e.g. hunting or target shooting) and demonstrate that you can use and store them responsibly. I'm not a shooter so there are probably gaps in that description so don't take it as read. Each of the states has its own legislation but here is the NSW act, for reference.

        Most of us, however, don't see the need to own one.

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Most of us, however, don't see the need to own one.

          You don't know any politicians then?

          1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

            For self-defence when the mad hatter Bob Katter comes calling? Hadn't thought of that!

            (nb: self-defence is not a "genuine reason")

          2. Black Betty

            Good reason NOT to own one.

            Avoids the temptation.

  5. AIBailey Silver badge
    WTF?

    Just... this whole article

    At most, from the headline I was expecting a story about a fruit farm worker stealing from a toiletry supply cupboard.

    Words fail me - what is wrong with people? Why would you do ANY of the things detailed in this article?

    1. Little Mouse

      Re: Just... this whole article

      Plums, Tissues, Hotel rooms & Australians had me naturally assuming that this would be a story of the, well, onanistic variety.

      Pluck pluck pluck away....

    2. Pascal Monett Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Why would you do ANY of the things detailed in this article?

      I totally agree with you. In a civilized area of the world, under a proper ozone layer-protected zone, without 99 different venomous species trying to kill you, it wouldn't happen.

      But this is Australia.

      Let me rephrase that :

      THIS. IS. AUSTRALIAAAAAAAHHHHHHH !!!!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The start of something?

        Maybe the Australian government can make this mandatory to eliminate the problem once and for all?

  6. Mad Chaz

    only one thing to say

    Ouch

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Implausible?

    Sounds like a load of b*llocks to me.

    But if it's true...then that's just nuts

    1. austint

      Re: Implausible?

      Assuming this story is true, I've FTFY:

      Sounds like a b*llock to me.

      But if it's true...then that's just a nut.

  8. ratfox Silver badge
    Happy

    Wonderful pic choice

    Thanks for the laugh

  9. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Playmobil!

    Or it didn't happen!

  10. Efros

    Perhaps munched

    with some fava beans and a nice Amarone.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Perhaps munched

      Ewwwww!

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Perhaps munched

      As the Australian pendant to Rocky Mountain Oysters?

      1. Mike Moyle Silver badge

        Re: Perhaps munched

        I was thinking "Outback Oysters", myself.

  11. Wommit

    So ...

    In Aussie you can't even help a bloke out with tiny problem without being nicked by the rozzers. Blimey, what's this world coming too.

  12. Chris G Silver badge

    Couldn't help but think

    Of the title of The Small Faces album; Ogden's Nut Gone Flake featuring Professor Sir Stanley Unwin.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBOFm96rTsg

    I remember seeing on a mates farm many years ago a device like pliers with 4 tabs, when a powerful small rubber band was put over the tabs and the handles squeezed the 4 tabs moved apart so that the band could be put over a sheeps tail; the band would cut off the blood supply to the tail which would drop off on it's own, (sheeps tails are/were removed for hygeine reasons).

    Perhaps this device could have been used as a knackered nad removal device on a DIY basis.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Couldn't help but think

      Sounds pretty er... hard... er... to get it on just one nut without doing cuta-damage to the other one too.

      Unless the guy wanted to become a chick on cheap or something. O_o

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Couldn't help but think

      Perhaps this device could have been used as a knackered nad removal device on a DIY basis.

      An elastic band on its own would have worked?

      Or everyday kitchen equipment, like a cherry stoner or a garlic press.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Couldn't help but think

        Where do you find a garlic press with the requisite capacity?

      2. sundog

        Re: Couldn't help but think

        *note to self* If I'm couch-surfing, and stay here, don't partake of any offered food. Ever.

    3. MrDamage

      Re: Couldn't help but think

      The same device was also used to turn young rams into wethers.

      When it's use was being described by one of my teachers at the agricultural-based school I attended, all the blokes in class collectively winced, hands covered genitals, and knees were turned inwards in an involuntary protective move.

    4. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Couldn't help but think

      I remember seeing on a mates farm many years ago a device like pliers with 4 tabs...

      It's called an elastrator. I remember many years ago there was a bit of a hoo-ha when a bucks' night jape went awfully wrong for the prospective groom.

    5. Black Betty

      Re: Couldn't help but think

      Um, mate that instrument does in fact get used twice on half of the lambs. Either you weren't paying attention, or someone was sparing you a wince.

  13. ma1010 Silver badge
    Holmes

    Or, he could have done it the BOFH way

    With a hole punch and a 100 watt soldering iron as shown here.

  14. 2+2=5 Silver badge
    Joke

    Oldie but goodie...

    "I can help you out mate. No need to go to one of those medic blokes, I'll just use a couple of house bricks like we do to castrate the lambs."

    "Does it hurt?"

    "Only if you get your thumbs caught."

  15. Borg.King

    Mike Rowe has a good piece about castrating lambs

    If you chop them off quick and sew up the wound, the lamb screams for a few minutes, then runs away as if nothing happened. If you stick a rubber band around them, the lambs screams for a couple of days.

    Still I wouldn't want my rocky mountain oysters disconnected in a motel room by anyone.

    1. Oengus

      Re: Mike Rowe has a good piece about castrating lambs

      Still I wouldn't want my rocky mountain oysters disconnected in a motel room anywhere by anyone.

      FTFY

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's safe to say they have the guy that did it by the balls.

  17. Likkie

    When is it surgery?

    I realise that this event IS surgery but at what point on the scale from helping someone remove splinter using a needle and removing someone's nad does it become surgery?

    Also, why can't someone perform surgery on another if they are both consenting adults?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: When is it surgery?

      That's what I was thinking when I read the list of charges.

      "without consent or authority”"

      Well, he certainly had consent. As for "authority", that depends on which definition of authority they are using. He certainly was given the authority by the recipient of the "operation".

      You do raise an interesting point as to exactly what constitutes surgery though.

    2. Black Betty

      Re: When is it surgery?

      Strictly speaking, even splinter removal or lancing a boil qualify as surgery. Ditto bone setting and reducing dislocations.

      It's one of the reasons why the standard First Aid syllabus has been gutted of everything but the most basic of palliative care.

  18. Captain DaFt

    "Sharp-eyed medical staff spotted that the wincing antipodean had sustained damage to his lunch box and started asking awkward questions."

    And the gentleman in question didn't respond, "Fix the damn problem I came to be treated for, and MYOB!!"?

  19. PhilipN Silver badge

    Tangentially Related

    Maybe someone here knows but I was having a conversation with a mate of mine some time ago about "non-surgical vasectomy" and how it is done.The best answer we could think of is that it is the application of a very tight elastic band.

    Still, to echo an earlier comment, you can't talk about this amongst blokes without them squirming in their seats.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      Re: Tangentially Related

      The guy seemed to be set up for this. Is there a great demand for removal of the "plums" down under?

      Yup, banding. He should have just gone to the outback - the sheep farmers know how to deal with this kind of thing, I'm sure they'd have done it for a beer or two!

  20. Medixstiff

    The old man told us a story about a feral cat on the farm when he was a kid.

    Apparently the shearers got a bit bored and decided to cut it's nuts off with a razor blade, mainly because male cats are a lot more docile after they lose the boys.

    Apparently - I am assuming after it left a bucket load of deep gouges in a few of them - it nicked off and didn't come back for a week.

    My favourite story he told was about my grandmother - even mum says she had an awesome sense of humour - who was getting a bit fed up with a dog that was killing the chickens, so one day she got some sandpaper and petrol and decided to call the dog over for a belly rub.

    Whilst applying said belly rub, she roughed up his nuts with the sandpaper and dropped the petrol on them.

    Now picture a dog running for it's life across a field and intermittently dropping both hind legs, so his nuts scrape through the dirt, then alternating between lifting both legs and running for the horizon and then dropping them again.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      Good thing nobody'd left a lit fag end on the ground, that dog might have gone woof.

  21. Adam 1 Silver badge

    yeah. not buying it

    A man who coincidentally had multiple firearms and drugs selflessly assisted a "volunteer" who couldn't afford to seek treatment in the free (as in beer) public hospital system but instead opted for a motel room (whose reputation for cleanliness is beaten only by a CPU fab I'm sure).

    It smells quite strongly like a message was sent. That message was heard, so they are chasing him via that technically that even with consent, that procedure was illegally performed.

  22. JohnMurray

    Good job Jeremy Hunt has gone.

    He'd have head-hunted the guy...

  23. hi_robb

    Well....

    I've heard the guy thought he might get in to the club for people who's lost their bollocks in stupid ways.

    But it's members only....

    1. Mike Moyle Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Well....

      Well done! (And the fellow in question certainly has been!)

      http://instantrimshot.com/

  24. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    OW! OwowowowaaaarrrrghOW!

  25. Terrance Brennan

    I would have liked to have seen the ad he placed for the service.

  26. Thatguyfromthatforum

    What the fuck did I just read?

    Before

    ( )( )

    After

    ( )()

    ?

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