back to article Scientists want you to know how to have sex with a hyper-long dong

An international team of researchers has discovered how beetles with hyper-long penises make the beast insect with two backs. The research was presented at the annual meeting of the Society for Experimental Biology, and shows how sexual selection changes over time. Sexual selection is the main driving force for the range of …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    #1 proof that penis enlargement pills do not work:

    If they did work, women would be actively protesting to have them banned.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: #1 proof that penis enlargement pills do not work:

      What if there was no internet, and all the spammers and scammers were like salesmen, calling at your house? There's a knock on the door - and it's the penis elongator. Or a Nigerian prince. Or the guy who knows all those weird tricks to do this or that.

      And how would spam filters look like, and how would you install them?

      1. TheWeenie

        Re: #1 proof that penis enlargement pills do not work:

        And how would spam filters look like, and how would you install them?

        A cricket bat, and manually.

      2. Haku

        Re: #1 proof that penis enlargement pills do not work:

        Have you seen the film Secondhand Lions? Definitely worth a watch.

        There are some great scenes in it where the two old rich guys (Michael Caine & Robert Duvall) are sitting out on their porch enjoying the day while they get frequent visits from salesmen trying to get them to part with their money.

        Shotguns are involved.

      3. Paul Webb

        Re: #1 proof that penis enlargement pills do not work:

        Automate your spam filters - the 'rise' of the machines indeed.

  2. Nevermind
    Trollface

    Nearly news

    This is the sort of stuff that should be on BBC newsite,..interesting info about body-length cocks......oh wait

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: Nearly news

      "This is the sort of stuff that should be on BBC newsite,..interesting info about body-length cocks......oh wait"

      Body-length cocks are more common that you might imagine though. I've just encountered a whole room full of them in suits heading into a senior management meeting...

  3. Yugguy

    Your momma

    She already knows what this is like.

    Tell her I said hi.

  4. Banksy

    Hyper-long and quick

    Well, one out of two ain't bad.

    Imagine if your wanger had to curl around inside your partner. What a crazy world we live in.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Hyper-long and quick

      Is that what they call a spinner?

      1. alferdpacker

        Re: Hyper-long and quick

        a revulva

    2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      Re: Hyper-long and quick

      There was a young man of Kent

      Whose prick was exceedingly bent

      To save himself trouble

      He put it in double

      And instead of coming he went

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. PNGuinn
      Facepalm

      Re: Hyper-long and quick

      Call this research??

      Right hand or left hand thread, and why.

      Enquiring minds etc ...

      1. ian 22

        Re: Hyper-long and quick

        And if righty or lefty, does it matter if the beetles are from north of the equator or from south of it?

      2. Dr Patrick J R Harkin
        Boffin

        Re: Hyper-long and quick

        From memory of A-Level Biology (in the days when the main text was Ye Origin of Fpecief) there are fish with left * right handed genitalia and a male "leftie" can only mate with a female "rightie". Ah, here's an example - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four-eyed_fish#Reproductive_organs

  5. cd / && rm -rf *

    You know it's a slow news day in IT when the Reg runs an article on beetle willies.

    1. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Even slower when you consider that the other tech rag, ran the same story like three months ago.

      1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

        Like the Reg

        ever needed an excuse to report on boffing-stick boffinry. But the delay is indeed worrying. This should be "hold the front page stuff".

  6. Tikimon Silver badge
    Alien

    Let's just go right off the rails with this one...

    The fact is that there is an astounding variety of wedding tackle on this planet. They vary wildly from organism to organism. And we're all (very very distant) relatives of common ancestors.

    It doesn't bode well for Captain Kirk or any other person wanting to get intimate an alien, does it? What sort of insane reproductive organs might he find once the clothes come off? There might really be teeth down there.

    No IT angle that I can think of...

    1. Fatman Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Let's just go right off the rails with this one...

      <quote>There might really be teeth down there.</quote>

      Like in this flick

      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780622/

      1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

        Re: Let's just go right off the rails with this one...

        Look, either you're committed to "boldly going* where no man has gone before", or not.

        *It is left as an exercise for the reader to make the appropriate substitution.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Enquiring minds want to know...

    Is Ann Summer's next product going to be the Ballsy Beetle?

  8. Kaltern

    " the penis being continuously soft; continuously hard; hardening along its base; and softening along its base."

    Sounds like a bad batch of Viagra.

  9. DougS Silver badge

    "researchers modelled the properties of the genitalia"

    When you're at a party and a cute girl asks you what you do for a living, "I write software to model a beetle's penis" probably doesn't impress them all that much!

    1. cosymart
      Paris Hilton

      Re: "researchers modelled the properties of the genitalia"

      @DougS - Probably impresses them more than writer for The Register/IT hack.

  10. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Woof, woof

    "... make the beast insect with two backs."

    Er, the picture says otherwise

  11. Ru'
    Paris Hilton

    Life's not fair; Mine is as long as a beetle's body, but it has never been referred to as hyper-long before...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Which one? John, Paul,George or Ringo...

  12. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

    Not everybody has to be quick in the natural world. Snakes, for instance, can copulate for days. As for penises, they have two, and they switch off. (As in "take turns".) With corresponding anatomy in the female.

    And yes, they are themselves predators, but they are not at the top of the food chain.

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