back to article Behold the ROBOT RECTUM... medics' relief

Rise of the machines: Spare a thought for the only Rectal Teaching Assistant in the UK who has lost his livelihood to a cold, metal bastard. A bionic booty comprising prosthetic buttocks and anus with in-built robotic tech was developed by the white coats at Imperial College London to help doctors and nurses practise probing a …

  1. arctic_haze Silver badge
    Alert

    An idea worth of the 21th century

    Robot inserting metal objects in your rectum? What can go wrong?!

    1. frank ly

      Re: An idea worth of the 21th century

      You seem to have misunderstood the technical details. Or was it wishful thinking?

  2. Banksy
    Mushroom

    Rise of the Robots

    Remember, robot bottoms have feelings too. This sort of thing is highly likely to trigger a robot uprising.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rise of the Robots

      ehhhh...which meaning of "robot bottoms" are you using there?

      1. Banksy

        Re: Rise of the Robots

        Any and all possible meanings :D

  3. Joe Harrison

    Only one rectal teaching assistant in the country

    Surely there should be more volunteers for this vital work. Where do people sign up? Asking for a friend.

    1. AIBailey Silver badge

      Re: Only one rectal teaching assistant in the country

      He really must have been at the arse end of the queue at the job centre!

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Pirate Dave Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Only one rectal teaching assistant in the country

        He was a bit behind on Job Assignment Day. He'd had a long night at the pub and was a bit pooped, which tainted his assessment.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Only one rectal teaching assistant in the country

        Must have been fun at parties.

        "So what do you do for a living?"

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: rectal teaching assistant / "So what do you do for a living?"

          I once was told "I study the transmission and effects of chlamydia in koalas", but only after I asked a second time.

  4. sandman

    Truly dreadful

    "The medics trialling the robo butt gave it a thumbs up." Possibly one of the most appalling puns of all time - I'm annoyed I didn't think of it.

    1. foo_bar_baz

      Re: Truly dreadful

      "medics' relief" was even worse - or better.

      1. zen1

        Re: Truly dreadful

        Genius... pure diabolical genius!

  5. XSV1
    Thumb Up

    Finger pointing

    Look, I wouldn't want to point any fingers, but you have to hand it to these guys. For once, there are no arseholes working on the project.

  6. Bucky 2

    "the trainer then inserts an index finger"

    Yeah. His "index finger."

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: "the trainer then inserts an index finger"

      I tried one of these and the mechanism went wrong,You should have seen the state of my hand afterwards.

      Did it damage your fingers?

      Wrecked 'em.

  7. foo_bar_baz
    Coat

    A robot arsehole for only £10K?

    Managers world over are fearing for their jobs now.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: A robot arsehole for only £10K?

      "Managers world over are fearing for their jobs now."

      Not realistic enough to mimic senior management I'm afraid, the robo rectum doesn't spout enough shit.

      Unfortunately all this android anus will do is give them something on which to practice shafting their minions...

    2. oiseau Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: A robot arsehole for only £10K?

      "Managers world over are fearing for their jobs now."

      Absolutely brilliant !

      Made my day.

      Thanks. =-)

    3. zen1

      Re: A robot arsehole for only £10K?

      But wouldn't that require a refit to this equipment to fit the average sized human cranium.

  8. Scott 53

    I could do that job

    I'm convinced I could make a good fist of it.

    1. Francis Boyle Silver badge

      Re: I could do that job

      I don't think those German speciality videos were approved for medical training purposes.

  9. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    RTA - that goes straight into my list of real but improbable jobs.

    Also, I would have liked to make something out of Bender's 'bite my shiny metal ass' catchphrase for this context, but nothing doing, sorry.

    1. John70

      I'll give you +1 for just mentioning Bender's phrase

  10. Jon Massey
    Meh

    Took em a while

    I remember having a play with an early version of the Haptic Cow http://www.live.ac.uk/haptic-cow at Glasgow over a decade ago!

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Took em a while

      Have you been taken off the watchlist yet?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I do hope they called the function in the programming "cheekyfinger" because lets be honest you can't beat a cheeky finger.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The red 'meaty' flesh inside is quite disturbing. Especially since there is a distinct lack of organs, bone, muscles etc.

  13. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    So is this a true SmartArse (tm)?

    This must be a candidate for the Ig Nobel prize in medicine. After all, it is certainly research to first make you laugh, and then make you think. Good work!

    1. AIBailey Silver badge

      Re: So is this a true SmartArse (tm)?

      Controllable from your smartphone?

      Brings a whole new meaning to "choosing your ring tone"!

  14. WolfFan Silver badge

    Very dissapointed

    Was expecting to see an article about Donald Trump praising Scots for leading the charge to get the UK out of the EU. Now that's the kind of robot rectum I can get behind. This one? Boring.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Very dissapointed

      that's the kind of robot rectum I can get behind.

      What can I say...?

  15. cosymart
    Thumb Up

    Where From Here?

    Rectal Teaching Assistant ... if there is an assistant there must be a fully fledged arsehole.

    It also begs the question of career prospects, if you are stating at the bottom the only way must be up. Think I need to rephrase that last line. :-)

  16. Speltier

    Probeur

    So how is the haptic rectum programmed? By a properly instrumented sensor-- jiggly joggly and collect the data to program the feel in the haptic rectum. Indeed, one could even have remote probing so third worlders could be probed by not only local despots and rapacious (!) businesses, but also by people in in the first world.

    Security? what security? All this information will be available on YouProbe....

    1. Andrew Commons

      Re: Probeur

      Can you imagine some of the code?

      class Finger extends Anus implements Surprise{}

      What would be an appropriate language for this? Squeak perhaps? Regardless it would have to be Tworing complete!

  17. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

    So how long before it gets sent back under warranty rather stretched out with claims that it was only 1 finger honest...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ...and with a hamster living inside it...

    2. TRT Silver badge

      You could ring the repair line. Or repair the ring line. Something like that.

  18. Rick Brasche

    and there goes the youthful mispronunciation

    been hearing young children mispronounce "robot" as "robut" most of my life, to which many parents have corrected them with the response of "there is no such thing as a robut".

    their objection is no longer valid. the Robutt does exist!

  19. Chris G Silver badge

    iBum

    It seems to have rounded corners too, I smell trouble brewing in the Apple camp.

    One disturbing thought, in the article it says the bum is designed to feel like the real thing on insertion of a relevant digit. Knowing what I do about Medical Students.........

    Edit: Looking at the headline made me think of ROTM;

    Behold the ROBOT RECTUM? No, fucking ripped 'em to bits

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: iBum

      > "Knowing what I do about Medical Students..."

      This thing would certainly be in high demand for fraternity hazing purposes.

  20. TRT Silver badge

    Robotic buttocks?

    I bet it doesn't twerk!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Robotic buttocks?

      The twerking robotic butt is already here

      https://youtu.be/U0eS3zC3Jco

  21. HieronymusBloggs

    Arse Technica

    Isn't there a web site dedicated to this?

  22. rastuss

    Isn't this just the end-all of robot applications?

    More jobs lost to robots... where will it end?

  23. Tromos
    Joke

    Forget it.

    Anyone buying one ends up getting a bum deal.

  24. Uplink

    There's another use for that

    Stick in a RealDoll(tm). For a little extra you can have one in each orifice.

  25. VeganVegan
    Alien

    Send it to Area 51

    Maybe it will save some UFO enthusiasts from getting probed by aliens.

    Wait: Is Imperial College London an undercover, alien institution, finally coming up with a product based on decades of alien abduction and probings?

  26. astrax

    A Beavis & Butthead design

    The Great Cornholio: "I need IP...IP for my bunghole."

  27. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    The Kardashian

    Perhaps Kim can be persuaded to make a useful contribution to society by allowing the form of this to be based on her posterior. It would certainly give the operators something substantial to hold onto.

  28. ladislav123

    Wondering what would Terminator say...

    I doubt he'd be excited about the "I'll be back" line....

  29. Nixinkome

    Talking Bottoms [Heads]

    Feedback from The World's Finest chatbot;

    "How are you feeling, Dave?"

  30. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Meh

    Quality control

    I guess anyone that works in the plant where they produce these can come home and honestly say: "Honey I'm bushed. All I did was deal with assholes all day long."

  31. zen1

    hmmm nobody has really jumped into the gutter yet, but with the right engineering, this could make one hell of a splash in the adult industry... iButtz (tm) (c) (sm)... I can see it now in giant neon lights.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There are various other probing procedures that need practice. The apparently simple task of micro-vacuuming an ear to remove wax can be painful in inexperienced hands. Think of what happens when a vacuum cleaner sucks up a loose carpet - then think of an eardrum.

    It is always best to get such out-patient procedures scheduled for April to June. By then the previous August's intake of new doctors have had enough practice with audio feedback from patients.

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