back to article Man sues YET AGAIN for chance to marry his computer

A Tennessee man is suing Utah because, like the rest of America, it won't let him marry his computer. Chris Sevier has previously complained that Apple let him become addicted to porn; now he wants to “go legal” with the love of his life. In a leap of logic that gave El Reg a side-eye headache, he's also miffed that he can't …

  1. LaeMing Silver badge
    Go

    I don't see why not.

    I spent years married to an inanimate object!

    ...

    Wasn't getting off on it though, hence the past tense.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: I don't see why not.

      Did you try turning her off and on?

      1. nuked
        Coat

        Re: I don't see why not.

        Should have upgraded to Windows 10...

    2. Crazy Operations Guy Silver badge

      Re: I don't see why not.

      Should've married Comcast's network, that thing is always going down...

  2. moiety

    Utah is a common-law marriage state. All he has to do is wait, then announce it in the papers (just to piss everybody off). There is also, in the US, the ability for Indian Nations to perform a tribal ceremony, so there's possibilities there.

    Plus you might as well let him marry the computer, because he's never getting laid again now this has hit the papers.

    Not convinced of the chap's sanity; but I can't see that it does any harm or is any of anyone else's business.

    1. frank ly

      What happens when he dies? How will the computer inherit and administer his estate? What if there are children?

      1. Ralph B

        > What if there are children?

        Well, it sounds like he's been forking quite a lot.

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          @ frank ly

          What if there are children?

          they would be Mac minis

          Paris - only she can save him now. Or, was she the root cause?

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Terminator

        What if there are children?

        Then those will be the first of the Borg...

    2. NotBob

      Here legally married means income taxes are assessed differently. The government doesn't want taxes to go down every time some sad wanker watches grumble flicks.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    Macs don't have a C:\

    Windows computers aren't marriage material because they're promiscuous, high risk of STIs, high maintanence, and are always trying to "reinvent themselves".

    1. Roq D. Kasba

      And Mac's are PC's with plastic surgery and a needy attitude? Will only let designer brands into their holes?

      I'm not sure I like where this metaphor is going...

      1. moiety

        Linux would be cheap, accommodating and a little bit basic.

        Actually, had another way to solve the chap's problems...he could send away for one of those mail-order license to marry (or rent a boat to captain) and -with a bit of video editing- perform and star in the ceremony himself. I'd love to see what the courts could do about that. If they even bothered, the case would be hilarious.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Macs don't have a C:\"

      Except when running Windows...

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boot_Camp_(software)

      1. steogede

        Macs that are over 18 years old can't run Windows, to run Windows it would probably need to be no more than 10 years old.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      ReL Windows computers aren't marriage material because

      Could be the answer to your maintenance problems.

      Perhaps if you married your Windows PC it would stop going down on you all the time.

      1. AndyS

        Re: ReL Windows computers aren't marriage material because

        Windows PCs seem to be a lot more fickle than the old Nintendos. All they needed was a quick blow.

      2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

        Re: ReL Windows computers aren't marriage material because

        Perhaps if you married your Windows PC it would stop going down on you all the time.

        Cough... cough... sputter... sputter... And why do you think it is good for it to stop doing so? In the context of the spirit of such discussions on The Register of course: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/02/11/itaughttaylorswifthowtogiveheadcom/

        1. VinceH

          Re: ReL Windows computers aren't marriage material because

          If it wasn't for the mention of Apple, I'd be inclined to think he wants to put his dongle in Microsoft. (NSFW)

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: ReL Windows computers aren't marriage material because

          > Cough... cough... sputter... sputter... And why do you think it is good for it to stop doing so?

          Because it's apparently not PC to be intimate with your HW

          http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/latest/2015/09/15/anti_robot_prostitution_campaign/

    4. wayward4now
      Childcatcher

      "Windows computers aren't marriage material because they're promiscuous, high risk of STIs, high maintanence, and are always trying to "reinvent themselves". "

      Like real women? Yer Honor, I rest my case.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sorry Dave...

    ... I can't let you do that.

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: I'm sorry Dave...

      Oink!

  5. chivo243 Silver badge
    Pint

    Better yet

    Just let Reverend Jim Ignatowski do the ceremony, he probably won't notice it is a computer ;-}

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Better yet

      I wish I could upvote you more. I forgot all about Reverend Jim... My how the decades have flown past.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How long till the upgrade to Wife 2.0?

    Nuff said...

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: How long till the upgrade to Wife 2.0?

      Wife 2.0 software is incompatible with Win10

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: How long till the upgrade to Wife 2.0?

        Wife 2.0 software is incompatible with Win10

        Given that he's an Apple fanboi, it's Hardware compatibility that would be the problem. Square hole, round peg?

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: square hole

          An amusing (but NSFW) take on the square hole / round peg idea:

          http://oglaf.com/annuitcoeptis/

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: How long till the upgrade to Wife 2.0?

        > Wife 2.0 software is incompatible with Win10

        Wife 2 caught a bad case of Win10, but now feels the incompatibility is no worse than Win8.1

  7. wolfetone

    In the future...

    "A Utah man is trying to divorce his computer, because it upgraded to Windows 10 and he doesn't like it".

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: In the future...

      Win-10 looming Subscription model (High maintenance)

  8. Dazed and Confused

    Sod marrying my computer

    Can someone tell me how I can divorce the damn things!

  9. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

    Back to Star Trek..

    "It's life, Jim, but not as you know it"

  10. Little Mouse

    It would never last

    Each time I buy a new PC I tell myself it will last for years, but I'm eyeing up newer models before you can say "disloyal".

  11. Known Hero
    Thumb Up

    Thats it i'm Done !! !

    You guys broke me, this is hilarious !!!!

    Love your comments. Haven't laughed like that in ages.

    Thanks

  12. M7S

    Is it perhaps a cunning legal ploy?

    If they have anything where he lives like the law that used to apply in the UK (repealed many many decades ago) where IIRC a wife could not be forced to testify against her husband in any trial, then this would allow him to get up to all sorts of computer related shenanigans and be immune to any searches of his PC by law enforcement.

    Could start a trend for hackers if this wild guess is anywhere near the mark.

  13. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Chobits?

    If anyone has heard of that manga.... (also a short 1 series anime).

    Well, I only brought it up as it's the only scenario I'd find myself with the same temptation.

    'Chi...Chi...Chi?'

  14. Christoph Silver badge

    Has the computer consented to the marriage?

    There's too many forced marriages already

  15. PapaD

    Consent

    How can he prove that the PC has given consent without any form of coercion - it's kind of an imperative part of the ceremony - Programming it to say 'I do' is coercion, he's making the PC say it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: he's making the PC say it.

      yeah - just like when I give my computer the command to print, it prints...

      1. Trigonoceps occipitalis

        Re: he's making the PC say it.

        And when I say "Don't upgrade to Windows 10 ... "

        You know the rest.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    1) Just charge him 5K for the marriage paperwork (still cheaper than the wedding, even if the fiancée doesn't invite many guest from her side - well or at least they don't drink a lot)

    2) tell him any future upgrade will need a divorce (same fee) and a re-marriage.

    And that's it! Now he can, but does not want to do it anymore...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Gimp

    Well...

    I'm pretty sure someone married their Motorcycle, so why not!

  18. The Average Joe Bloggs

    Why dont they say he can when his computer reaches the age of consent?

  19. ukgnome

    I never thought I would say this :-

    I feel sorry for the Genius Bar chap that has to carry out the repair

  20. Yugguy

    Sometimes

    We just need to say "just shut up and fuck off you daft cunt" to people like this. What a fucking waste of everyone's time over one sad wanker.

    Son, we all crack one off now and then whilst browsing certain sites, but most of us have the sense not to make a fuss about it. (Yes, I'm aware of the irony.)

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Sometimes

      harsh but fair

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Brigham Young would have let you marry a child, I mean a computer.

  22. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    I can sort this out for him

    mklink /H /D %userprofile% Link %computername&

  23. 0765794e08
    Coat

    Computers and Coats Joke, 2016

    Computer repair man: “Erm, what are all those gaudy yellow stains down your Mac?”

    Tennessee man: “To which Mac are you referring?”

  24. Michael Habel Silver badge

    I'd rather kiss the /dev/sda1!

  25. gcla72
    Coat

    Does it have an 8" floppy?

    Coat!

  26. JcRabbit

    All joking aside, I'm not at all surprised that something like this is happening.

    One of the strongest arguments for same-sex marriage against those who were opposed to it was 'it doesn't hurt you personally, so let others be free to do as they want'. And here is the result. Marriage was supposed to be something beautiful and sacred, the union between a man and a woman and the corner stone to the creation of a family.

    Now it''s just a joke, it lost all the original meaning.

    Well done, you might as well let this guy marry his computer. After all, it doesn't hurt anyone. :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And here is the result. Marriage was supposed to be something beautiful and sacred, the union between a man and a woman and the corner stone to the creation of a family.

      No, here is your bigotry. Marriage still is something sacred and beautiful, the union between two people who love each other regardless of their sex. And with adoption, many gay couples have raised happy families.

    2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Marriage has been a range of different things

      From certificate of ownership of a woman to a promise to protect children. What one group calls sacred another might call strange, silly or frightening. Marriage has been beautiful for some and a joke to others for decades if not centuries. Thanks to the internet, both points of view are now brought straight to you laptop with pictures.

      Today a computer cannot give consent and it cannot care whether it is treated with love or torture. One day it might be possible to replace a brain cell with a circuit that performs identically. Next imagine repeating that procedure billions of times. Is the result an electronic human with rights or a machine with none? I hope the law will be able to make a sensible distinction in time, or Elon will return to Earth to find humans became slaves to robo-butlers after they understood Planet of the Apes.

      I have no problem with this guy buying a marriage to his non-sentient computer, or another marrying a tea pot. I have no problem with half the internet laughing at him. Some people will feel threatened by such marriages, just like some people feel threatened by CIA mind control rays broadcast from satellites. Half the internet laughs at them already. (In the UK we laugh silently for fear of being arrested.)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "Well done, you might as well let this guy marry his computer. After all, it doesn't hurt anyone. :)"

      I'm an Old Testament kind of guy: I say, Smite Him.

      (Provided I am exempt from smiting - that kind of thing can get out of hand real fast.)

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Horse

    Well, at least he's not trying to marry his horse...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Horse

      "Well, at least he's not trying to marry his horse..."

      Yes, THAT would be creepy.

  28. WaveyDavey

    "Nothing surprises me any more"

    I can just hear the resigned tone of the guy saying that.

  29. Aaron 10
    Trollface

    C:?

    The computer just wants the D:.

    /I'll see myself out...

  30. Anonymous IV

    "You may now kiss the C:\ drive"

    Dear, oh dear, oh dear!

    <pedant>

    C:\ is the root directory of the C: drive.

    </pedant>

    Sack the marriage officiant!

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    PowerBook

    He must have a different type of computer than I have.

    Mine is male (it has a hard drive) and I don't swing that way.

  32. Frank N. Stein

    Really??

    This clown might need to be committed to a therapeutic facility, for everyone's safety.

  33. cray74

    Kim Davis

    I'm a bit torn - the guy IS suing Kim Davis, which can only be a public service.

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