back to article Thai bloke battles jumbo python in toilet todger thriller

A Thai chap's "morning routine of a shower and protracted bowel movement" was rudely interrupted earlier this week when a 4-metre python clamped its laughing gear round his todger as he squatted over the throne. According to an eye-watering report by Khaosod English - (some pics quite possibly NSFW) - Atthaporn Boonmakchuay of …

  1. Sir Sham Cad

    Science needs to know

    How many eyes did this "trouser snake" have?

    1. BillG
      Thumb Up

      Re: Science needs to know

      While understandably screaming, the bleeding 38-year-old did have the presence of mind to call to his missus Sawittree Shooyoung to bring a rope, which he used to lash the serpent's head to the bathroom door.

      That is some pretty shrewd thinking under the circumstances. To be in that much pain, and still come up with a plan to rope the snake to the bathroom door is some very smart thinking under the circumstances.

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: Science needs to know

        I guess it concentrates the mind. Or to put it in nerd speak, that task would immediately be given a high scheduling priority.

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: Science needs to know

          If you check the pictures on that link, (they're not that bad), they give you a fair impression of that mans ability to pay attention to whats important.

    2. g e

      Syphon the Python

      As per title....

    3. Camilla Smythe

      Unless it is done later...

      I call FAKE.

      TYAGN

  2. Locky Silver badge

    Skilled

    "Operatives liberated the python from the bog by removing the entire toilet and smashing it with a hammer"

    The bog or the python?

    1. Chazmon

      Re: Skilled

      It does make you wonder where they release wild toilets these days...

      1. David 132 Silver badge

        Re: Skilled

        Bognor?

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Skilled

          Waterloo?

      2. FozzyBear Silver badge

        Re: Skilled

        Dunedoo (pronounced DunnyDoo) NSW Australia

      3. David 132 Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Skilled

        It does make you wonder where they release wild toilets these days...

        In Japan, they disguise them so that they blend into the natural environment before releasing them into the wild.

        I believe the local term is Camo-Khazi.

  3. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Movement

    I imagine that given the circumstances, the scheduled bowel movement was fairly high yield, low effort and more-or-less instantaneous.

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme Silver badge
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: Movement

      Surely that must be COTW. I cannot imagine much to top that one.

      1. David 132 Silver badge

        Re: Movement

        CoTW?

        I second that Motion.

        Um, let me rephrase that...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Movement

          I second that Motion.

          I turd it

  4. TRT Silver badge

    Poor snake...

    getting wrapped round a knob at both ends.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Poor snake...

      Kinky stuff, but then emergency rooms do see a lot of strange situations.....

      My favorite is the one about the poor lad admitted with a severely lacerated "spam javelin" and some localized scalding burns, His wife had serious scalding burns on the top of her head, face and shoulders. Suffice it to say they were next to the stove when a pot of boling water was inadvertently spilled, I will let you fill in the gaps.....

      Regardless, I am sure the chatter in this emergency ward was fairly animated in this case, it has to be a first.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Poor snake...

        I can imagine the Emergency Room doctor now...

        "Let's see... we've got Major Burns here. So I guess that makes you Hot Lips."

      2. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Poor snake...

        Or they put the water on to boil for pasta and didn't know the difference between fettuccine and felatio.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Released into the wild

    I thought they usually killed animals that had acquired a taste for our plump pink/brown/whatever bodies. That should be doubly so given the part it has tasted.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Released into the wild

      Maybe that decision was made by a feminist, delighted at the serpent's exploits?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Released into the wild

      I thought they usually killed animals that had acquired a taste for our plump pink/brown/whatever bodies. That should be doubly so given the part it has tasted.

      That's usually on the principle that having learned the taste of blood they might want more.

      I suspect that this snake may not fall into that category on account of probably (a) having been shat upon from an as yet undetermined height after closing its jaws and (b) having tasted the outside of that appendix before the blood started running, which events may have replaced the usual "Let's do that again" idea with "let's never ever even THINK about that again and see if we can bite some nice animal to lose that aftertaste".

      I have a, cough, "sneaking" suspicion it may just have been his wife seeking to reduce the 30 min length of his daily "morning sessions", and it all got a bit out of hand..

    3. TeeCee Gold badge

      Re: Released into the wild

      I think we can cut this one a bit of slack.

      Try looking at the situation from the snake's perspective. There you are, enjoying a snooze in a quiet spot and some bastard comes along and shits on your head........

  6. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Hang on....

    I thought pythons worked by crushing their victims in their coils before eating them once they'd suffocated? Is he sure it was a python?

    Of course I may be wrong, I'm not David Attenborough...

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Hang on....

      Presumably, if the python thought the prey in this case sufficiently small and already dead...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Gimp

        Re: Hang on....

        It probably smelt dead

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Hang on....

        Presumably, if the python thought the prey in this case sufficiently small and already dead...

        Well played sir. Have an upvote and a pint..

      3. Triggerfish

        Re: Hang on....

        I thought pythons worked by crushing their victims in their coils before eating them once they'd suffocated?

        Constrictor teeth are usually hooked / backslanted to give a firm grip you don't want to try and ....pull out, they grip and then work the coils round.

      4. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I'm writing the script now

      It will be called "Snakes in a drain". Samuel L. Jackson will play the plumber and main hero.

      But in my version, the pythons head doesn't get roped quickly enough.... or else it slips out of the noose.

      I'm still casting for the heroic surgeon who knits it back on. Any suggestions ?

      1. Steve K Silver badge

        Re: I'm writing the script now

        Kaffe Fasset?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I'm writing the script now

        You've got the surgeon, for example as in http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/mar/13/south-africa-man-penis-transplant . I daresay you might find others amongst societies that practice (male) genital mutilation.

      3. John Bailey

        Re: I'm writing the script now

        "I'm still casting for the heroic surgeon who knits it back on. Any suggestions ?"

        Noel Edmonds?

        I hear he has a fair bit of familiarity with knitting.

      4. Pedigree-Pete
        Happy

        Re: I'm writing the script now

        Shirly Alan Alda....Hawkeye Pierce.

    3. LosD

      Re: Hang on....

      They will still grab hold of a part of the victim with their mouths. Pretty hard to wrap yourself around something that can flee.

    4. PNGuinn
      Joke

      Re: Hang on....

      Of course you're not David Attenborough...

      You are Snakey McSnakeface - and I claim my five pounds ...

    5. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. TRT Silver badge
    IT Angle

    C Python RISC. Rapid Action! Lasso Topspeed. Hope Mary Go Forth Inform Rescue Pro. Open bloo. Bash Cobra? Not exactly Nice. Stackless Python.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I think you'll find the serpent pictured is a specimen of crotalus atrox, more commonly known as the diamondback rattlesnake, and not a python.

    I'll get my coat, but not until after I've sniggered at the name Atthaporn.

    1. fishman

      I figured it was some sort of rattlesnake or other venomous snake - it certainly didn't look like any python or boa.

    2. Triggerfish

      @AC

      porn means something like good luck / blessed in Thai, so everywhere you go there are porn hotels, porn restaurants, etc. Even better Chang Mai had a radio station called TITS FM.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Thai the knot

      >I'll get my coat, but not until after I've sniggered at the name Atthaporn.

      I nearly married a woman called Nice Supaporn, it's a long story :)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Thai the knot

        > I nearly married a woman called Nice Supaporn

        At last! A valid reason to google your own name.

  9. Paul Renault

    Is it just me, or...

    ...is anyone else trying to figure out the IT angle to this story?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      The man's clarity of thought should make him a good IT man. And his admirable presence of mind in an extreme situation marks him out for an elite emergency response role.

    2. Ben Tasker Silver badge

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      Surely we've all dealt with a user or a boss where we've thought I'd rather feed my todger to a snake?

      Or... alternatively, it might be we're currently in bootnotes ;)

    3. Alister Silver badge

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      Sadly, due to the obvious decline in comprehension standards around here, it's probably time that each "Bootnotes" article had a big banner at the top saying "THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN IT ANGLE"

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: Is it just me, or...

        Oh I dunno, I still enjoy sanctimonious commentards not getting with the programme. Obviously, if we get three or so complaints, we'll change the entire editorial output of the site to suit their personal tastes.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Is it just me, or...

          Obviously, if we get three or so complaints, we'll change the entire editorial output of the site to suit their personal tastes.

          Ah, finally someone explains the mechanism behind the layout changes..

          /tiptoes away sniggering..

        2. ShadowDragon8685

          Re: Is it just me, or...

          Does that mean that if two other people complain about not being able to find it without searching, the Bastard Operator from Hell will be given its own entry on the navbar at the top?

      2. Paul Renault

        Re: Is it just me, or...

        Thanks. I did not know that!

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: Is it just me, or...

          Well, have an upvote for hanging around and taking the resulting sarcasm with good grace.

          Welcome to the Register, Mr Renault!

      3. PNGuinn
        IT Angle

        Re: Is it just me, or...

        Alister, don't be a spoilsport. Some commentards will wait all week to ask that question ...

      4. John Bailey

        Re: Is it just me, or...

        "THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT HAVE TO HAVE AN IT ANGLE"

        Oh come on.. It's a Python story. How could that not be an IT angle.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      It's a metaphor for a high level porgramming language with the same name as the snake..... do keep up....

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Is it just me, or...

        And it's also part of the name of one of our favorite comedy teams.... "It's just a flesh wound!"

    5. LosD
      Go

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      "Python"! Good enough for me.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Holmes

      The IT angle is clear as day

      I'm never taking a flipping IT job in Thailand.

    7. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      "...is anyone else trying to figure out the IT angle to this story?"

      The number of Todger Entanglement stories bear a direct relationship to the frustration at the LOHAN Failure to Launch. Expect more. Many more.

    8. Bitbeisser
      Devil

      Re: Is it just me, or...

      Well, might be you, after all the article mentions (a) Python...

  10. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Coat

    Hmm. "Enter the Python."

    Sounds like some kind of low rent chopsokey movie

    Mine's the one with the John Woo back catalogue in the pocket.

  11. TRT Silver badge

    They smashed the toilet?!

    But someone tried to beat the cistern.

    1. Chris G Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: They smashed the toilet?!

      The article and most of the comments made me laugh but 'Beating the cistern' for some reason almost resulted in the tea treatment for my keyboard.

      Have a beer!

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: They smashed the toilet?!

        Same here. The beat the system/cistern thing first, then another thought occurred, maybe another euphemism along the same lines as "bashing the bishop"

        1. AK565

          Re: They smashed the toilet?!

          I'd never heard of 'beating the cistern' so I figured it was yet another slang term for whacking off. Then again, I'd never heard of 'bashing the bisbop', either. I've learned so much British slang reading El Reg, lol.

  12. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Headline revamp

    More imaginative headline required ...

    "Toilet Snake's Trouser Snake Snack" ?

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Headline revamp

      Thai lifts lid on rare Python attack vector.

    2. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      Re: Headline revamp

      Thai Man Snakes Out Toilet the Hard Way.

      1. Simon Harris Silver badge

        Re: Headline revamp

        Toileting Thai Tackles Toothy Todger Troubler.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Stock Photograph is wrong

    Lester,

    Whoever chose that picture for the article has no idea of what a PYTHON actually looks like.

    But I can tell you that if the rattlesnake in the picture had bitten his "todger" there would be no happy ending for him.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stock Photograph is wrong

      I can tell you that if the rattlesnake in the picture had bitten his "todger" there would be no happy ending for him.

      Who? The snake, the attacked appendix or the entire owner thereof?

  14. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Wild Python?

    After being tied to a door, and then having its face taken to bits, I bet it was bloody furious!

    1. Steve Foster

      Re: Wild Python?

      Wild? I expect it was absolutely livid.

      (with credit to Rowan Atkinson/NTNON)

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Wild Python?

        Is that you Gerald?

  15. Ardbeg
    Coat

    IT Angle?

    After the article about android on PI, this is clearly a cautionary tale for those wishing to install python on their Wii :)

  16. Dick Emery

    "Poo in loo!" they said.

    Sorry. I could not resist.

  17. Simon Harris Silver badge

    some pics quite possibly NSFW

    Not Safe For Waterclosets?

    obviously, seeing the state of it afterwards!

  18. chivo243 Silver badge

    Photo's or it didn't happen?

    Here's a photo!

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/toilet-python-thailand-attacks-man-penis-article-1.2650996

    Have a nice weekend, look before you plop...

    1. ShadowDragon8685

      Re: Photo's or it didn't happen?

      Ghat damn, that thing is BLOODY ENORMOUS.

      The snake's lucky that this lad was apparently a wildlife-loving sort. Fuck the rope, I'd have been bellowing for the garden shears or nearest shotgun.

  19. Baldy50

    Crapper flappers to be fitted from now on'

    Maybe he was reading an IT mag at the time and got confused about injecting code in Python.

    So there’s probably a lot of design engineers on here so go on guys design a loo with a flap at the output stage for when you’ve finished, could be worth a patent and some bucks.

  20. Baldy50

    Crocodile canoe's anyone?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXn1g0xtUMk&feature=youtu.be

  21. mark jacobs
    Coat

    Spam email

    "There's a new way to extend your dong ... try our pythons ..."

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