back to article Ooh missus, get a grip on my notifications

YOU LOVE IT YOU SLAG This was, as alert followers of my column may recall, the first SMS text message I ever received on my first ever mobile phone, sometime during the last century. I did not bother to find out who sent it to me. It was a wrong number, of course... but not knowing with absolute certainty ensures that the …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now you know why none of my devices shows messages on the lock screen :)

    1. Triggerfish

      Burner phones people, burner phones.

  2. JetSetJim Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    > I do not use my smartphone for conducting illicit affairs. Unlike politicians, I do not use my smartphone for sending constituents photographs of my nob.

    So you use something else then?

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Coat

      In my experience, most blokes use their dick for conducting illicit affairs.

  3. Evil Auditor Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Alistair, by now your wife should be used to such double entendre. We know what Descartes said. But for you it'd probably be: "I'm ambiguous therefore I am".

    1. TRT Silver badge

      I'm ambiguous therefore I might be.

      1. breakfast
        Coat

        "I like ambiguities, please give me one."

      2. Chemical Bob

        Therefore, I may be ambiguous or not.

  4. Terry 6 Silver badge
    Pint

    Yay

    Also be aware that he never responds to messages that fail to employ adequate punctuation.

    Good for you Dabbsy. There's no excuse for sloppy writing just because it's sent through a phone.

    1. John 110

      Re: Yay

      Should that be "using a phone" ?

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Yay

      For some reason I thought he was talking about Reg commentards.

    3. Novex

      Re: Yay

      I have to employ different writing styles for different recipients of texts. One likes it good and proper, another likes it a bit middling, and another likes it quick and messy.

      Hang on, that sounds like I've just written something with innuendo in it...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It was me. You SLAG

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Part of a long and noble tradition

      10 March 1876 — Alexander Graham Bell conducted the first successful telephone transmission of clear speech using a liquid transmitter when he spoke into his device, "YOU LOVE IT YOU SLAG" and his assistant Watson heard each word distinctly.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    English is particularly full of opportunities for puns. Probably more than any other language due to its mongrel heritage that needs a thesaurus for dinosaur meanings. The "Carry On" films were popular in other countries - but most of the verbal and visual puns passed unnoticed. The cultural context has probably changed even for a modern UK audience.

    The original French "Asterix The Gaul" books were full of puns. Translators into the many other languages often had to invent their own puns based on local context. The first Swedish "Asterix and Cleopatra" translation failed to understand that puns were necessary. The second version found the right spirit.

    1. Franco Silver badge

      Asterix was brilliant for the different levels of humour. Kids love the cartoons, adults loved the puns and the comedic names.

      On a related note of Carry-On levels of humour, as I was driving to work this morning I passed a lorry for a timber merchant. Their slogan is "Wood. Just the Way You Like It." In the words of Eric Idle, say no more!

      1. TheOtherHobbes

        Still hard to top Sofa King (of Northampton) whose prices are famously Sofa King Low.

        (That'll be a couple of grand in affiliate sales then. Paypal to the usual, thanks.)

        1. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

          My personal favourite is a local turfing contractor who uses the slogan "Don't seed it, sod it"

          1. bob, mon!
            Happy

            A furniture store in Boston used to have a slogan on its building: "34 years without a sale!"

            I always wondered how they managed to stay in business. Rentals, maybe?

          2. Franco Silver badge

            I frequently see posts liked by other people on LinkedIn from the proprieter of "Solutions On Demand IT" with a suitably contracted email domain.

            There's also a tanker hire firm here in Scotland with an Italian domain name. For a quote just email info@wemovesh.it

          3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            'My personal favourite is a local turfing contractor who uses the slogan "Don't seed it, sod it"'

            A local chimney sweep has one of the shortest slogans painted on his van: "Up yours".

      2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
        Stop

        "Got Wood?"

        ..."wood" shirley be more direct and to the point, so to speak...

      3. MrRimmerSIR!

        When I were a nipper, the van of a local aerial installer gave many giggles. The tag line was "Satisfaction with every erection".

        1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

          local aerial installer gave many giggles.

          I liked the note on the side of an aerial installer's van for Sharma & sons:

          "You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians"

      4. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        On a related note of Carry-On levels of humour, as I was driving to work this morning I passed a lorry for a timber merchant. Their slogan is "Wood. Just the Way You Like It."

        We've got a local scaffolding company that has "Erection Specialists" on both their lorries and company fleeces.

        1. Andy A

          There's a company round here which notes on their vehicles that they supply it "Hot, black and thick".

          Asphalt.

          (Well, they say that sex sells)

        2. DavCrav Silver badge

          "We've got a local scaffolding company that has "Erection Specialists" on both their lorries and company fleeces."

          In Birmingham I saw one with the slogan "For a better erection".

        3. Arctic fox
          Happy

          @Arthur the cat Re: "On a related note of Carry-On levels of humour"

          Do you remember the immortal line given to dear Kenneth Williams in the scene in that photograph?

          "Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me".

    2. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      You think english is full of opportunities?

      You have not deal with Slavic languages - especially Russian. Everything has 5+ meanings and everything is a double entendre. That made the life of censors in USSR lots and lots of fun :) Though even that cannot excuse them for allowing such gems as:

      "Our history is a fairy tale, sprinkled with a few decorations of truth" (from this one: http://gb.imdb.com/title/tt0081256/)

      I bet the poor guy who let that one through got fired shortly thereafter :)

      1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
        Trollface

        Fired?

        Or did you mean shot?

      2. Ian Emery Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: You think english is full of opportunities?

        You havent tried Mandarin then.

        My wifes name means "Red Swan", or possibly "Flying Fruit".

        Actually, there are dozens of possible meanings, but I like to tease her with the "Flying Fruit" one.

        Thats not a gimp mask, just me having acupuncture.

      3. Mephistro Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: You think english is full of opportunities? (@ Voland's right hand)

        "Our history is a fairy tale, sprinkled with a few decorations of truth"

        That sounds more or less like History as depicted by Hollywood!

  7. Efros

    Notifications... Off

    None of them are that important that I need to be jogged out of whatever I'm doing to attend to them. If it really is important try dialling the number and talk to me. App notifications get disabled the first time they make my phone vibrate or make unwanted noise, if the app is important I'll check it on a fairly regular basis.

    1. Barry Rueger

      Re: Notifications... Off

      Up vote! Why is it that every guy developing an app is convinced that it needs to notify me EVERY time it does something?

      Or, in the case of news media apps, every time something happens to a footballer I don't care about, or in a far-flung country of even less interest.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
        Stop

        Re: Notifications... Off

        Herself is from Brazil. Herself regularly fails to mute notifications. This morning, it all went wild at 04.48...

  8. AbelSoul
    Pint

    Viz a Viz

    cacophonous multiple orgasm of Finbar Saunderesque digital ejaculation

    Brave, sir, bravo!

  9. Esme

    Oh, Ali..

    I love it when you tickle my funnybone. Do it again, pls! x

  10. Martin Summers Silver badge

    Fussy Excuse...

    Of course, not all of us have the privilege of being able to write a published article 'explaining' away illicit messages ;-)

    1. Paul Kinsler

      Re: published article 'explaining' away illicit messages ;-)

      That gave me a most brilliant idea for a research paper on Quantum Steganography, only I now see that someone's already done it. But I suppose that technically the topic here is anti-steganography, so maybe there's still an angle...

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Fussy Excuse...

      Hmm, like explaining those long hairs on the shirt with hotdesking...

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ali, eh?

    With a name like Ali, there goes any chance of you visiting USA* next year.

    *aka Trumpland.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Ali, eh?

      I could always run for London mayor.

  12. TRT Silver badge

    The problem with using the mail...

    Is that the icon in the corner of the send/receive wrapper is always female.

  13. mix

    My friend once received a SMS from their mother which read:

    "Nanna passed away last night. LOL"

    I'm not so sure as to whether I was more shocked that they got the LOL so amusingly wrong or that they sent a text with such shocking news...bit impersonal.

    1. TheOtherHobbes

      Some older people who struggle with technology - and the Prime Minister, who has advisers for that kind of thing - think LOL means Lots of Love.

      1. DocJames
        Facepalm

        "the Prime Minister... think[s] LOL means Lots of Love."

        I'm sure I've heard this mentioned somewhere recently. Very recently. As in the article we're commenting on.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Not wrong...

        Wikipedia explains it quite succinctly: LOL is an acronym or abbreviation for "laughing out loud" or "lots of love". The "lots of love" variant is still in use by some people I know who were born in the 1940s. I suspect (but can't be sure) that "LOL = lots of love" was in use long before the Internet was made available to the general public.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "I'm not so sure as to whether I was more shocked that they got the LOL so amusingly wrong"

      The person in my family who always gets these things wrong will then argue the hind leg off a beast of burden "proving" that they are correct. TOWDNGA - the one who does not get acronyms.

      1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        My problem is with predictive text, on a phone keyboard the number sequence 4663 has several posisble matches, which led me to send Mrs O'Sophical a note saying "I'll be good soon".

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "My problem is with predictive text, "

          I know this is a bit radical, and it may be a step too far, but you can get phones nowadays that have buttons with all the letters of the alphabet on them. (I keep as an emergency backup in the car an old Palm Pre 2 which works for phone and text, has a full keyboard and is the size of an old style phone. There are others for people who want nothing else, though some of them are now getting quite expensive in good condition).

          I was in a Ford last week that had a built in satnav...and it had a 0-9 keyboard using the old phone key letters. What were they thinking? "We can use the software off a 1990 fax machine?"? Or "who wants user friendliness?" Do I really want an average of 15 button presses to enter a postcode?

          1. swampdog

            Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "

            Ordinarily, when I get a courtesy car I'm not fussed. Saves walking. However, a few years ago I got given a new Renault Scenic. Now, I'm sure if I'd be able to read the manual (not included) I'd have been fine. I opened the glove box and all there was, was a card. I inserted it into the satnav. Questioned bypassed (not the owner) it proceeded to inform me it has recalculating my destination for the next three days. I removed said card. Radio on - same messages.

            I hate French cars because everyone who drives them is a tosser. I hate them more so for making me a tosser. There's a tiny little 3-way switch buried near the handbrake - speed inhibitor. Wanking bastard thing doesn't cancel when you hit the gas.

            Overtake 45mph car in nat speed limit, hit 50, it stops. Fucking computers. Some twat before me set it.

            Big motor. No computer.

            1. Alistair Dabbs

              Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "

              You are a good judge of character because the Renault Scenic is the car I drive. Luckily for me, it is 17 years old, starts with a key and it's only inhibitor is the weediness of the engine itself.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "

                "Luckily for me, it is 17 years old"

                In fact, a completely different vehicle, just with the same name. And why the same name? Because manufacturers tend to stick with successful names, which is why there's no Ford Edsel nowadays and why Fiat has dropped a whole lot of names but stuck with the 500.

                I guess my one-time possession of a BX qualifies me for tosserdom, but at the time it was the best Diesel you could get.

                1. x 7

                  Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "

                  "I guess my one-time possession of a BX qualifies me for tosserdom"

                  nothing wrong with a BX, that gas suspension made it one of the most comfortable cars even now, and also one of the most forgiving if you like throwing cars around. The self-leveling made it damned hard to unstick one when cornering at speed. Wish I still had mine

                2. CRConrad

                  French Rudolfs

                  Yeah, Peugeot has always built good diesels. In the 70's, it was pretty much them and Mercedes.

                  What, "What's Peugeot gotta do with it?" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupe_PSA

  14. M7S

    "Dismissing the daydream"

    Not so fast Mr. Dabbs, have a lie down on the couch and tell us all about it, starting with your childhood.....

  15. not.known@this.address Bronze badge
    Devil

    "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

    Before y'all slag off anyone who "mistakenly" thinks 'LoL' is 'Lots of Love' just think on this - the expression "lots of love" is older than "laugh(ing) out loud" so who got it wrong?

    Besides, that is just one example of the fun and entertainment you can have with acronyms - take "FLA" for example. To an Airbus engineer it could be the A400M, the 'Future Large Aircraft'. To someone else, it could be 'Free Land Area', Free Land Access' or a 'Four Letter Acronym' (and yes, the irony of 'FLA' being 3 letters has been noted once or twice).

    Just because you mean one thing doesn't mean everybody means the same.

    Try being a techie in a business review meeting where the non-techies mean one thing and you mean something completely different...

    1. AdamT

      Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

      Hmm, don't agree with the use of FLA for "four letter acronym". You should use ETLA meaning "extended three letter acronym", that's much more IT appropriate...

      1. x 7

        Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

        FLA? Funny looking alien

    2. #define INFINITY -1 Bronze badge

      Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

      Agreed; certainly the sarcastic remarks directed at those who don't know the latest newspeak are just cheap shots - the kind expected from teenagers. (As an aside) AITOO who thinks that that LOL was invented by people who didn't know the well-established ROTFL?

      1. Teiwaz Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

        "LOL was invented by people who didn't know the well-established ROTFL?"

        - I've always* viewed 'LOL' as the text message equivalent of audience cue cards when used by someone trying to be funny.

        * I say 'always', but the term only came to my attention a couple of years ago, probably long after it's peak popularity, and if my brain had a system monitor, working out 'ROTFL' would have registered on it.

    3. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

      Just because you mean one thing doesn't mean everybody means the same.

      Indeed. I remember watching TV news footage of some natural disaster or another, and remarking to my friend that what they needed was some C4 (meaning Command, Control, Communications & Computers) to help with the relief effort. His background is more in the shooty/explosiony side of the military rather than the supporting systems/logistics side of things, so "C4" means something very different to him.

      From my remark, we both saw a way of the situation coming to a conclusion, but by very different means and with very different results.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

        Whilst your third friend, who works for Citroen, thought, nah, the C-Crosser 4x4 would be far more useful in that terrain.

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."

        Well.. there's the old saying about "no problem is so big that it can't be solved with the judicious application of high explosives". And those usually require (or should require unless you're of the "hey y'all watch this" brigade) some form of command, control, etc.

  16. Potemkine Silver badge

    The real tragedy

    Even Half-life got into the act once by sending me a reminder while she was out that I should remove my pile of laundry from the airing shelf, thus: Ali, could you take your clothes off?

    So sad you didn't catch her real intentions hat day, it could have been hot and glorious ^^

  17. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    First class mail. That's the one where you have to lick it before you shove it in, right?

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Bah!

      Mine starts with a strip: I peel it off and find it's already sticky. Then it's just a matter of ensuring the head is applied the right way up.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So, you regularly leave your phone unattended. With notifications set to show on the lock screen. Then you are surprised that someone else reads a message out of context and might have reached the wrong conclusion.

    Notifications set to "Hide sensitive notification content". Phone auto-locks after 1 minute or when closing cover. With an unlock password/code/pattern/print. Phone is either in my hand, pocket, or locked away somewhere.

    Never get any issues.

    Smart watch linked to phone shows full notification text even when phone is locked which saves unlocking it regularly.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    avatar

    Are you sure that's not Xavier in drag?

  20. Mr Dogshit
    Headmaster

    "photos of my nob"

    Definitions

    1. noun (cribbage)

    the jack of the suit turned up

    2. noun (slang, mainly British)

    a person of social distinction

    1. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: "photos of my nob"

      So you think it's #1, then?

    2. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

      Re: "photos of my nob"

      noun (cribbage) ...

      But that would be "one for his (ie, the Jack's) nob(s)" (and two for his heels)

  21. R Soles

    Context

    I feel sure that's a picture of Kenneth Williams uttering the immortal one-liner

    "Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"

    from one of the Carry-On films (obviously)

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Context

      from one of the Carry-On films (obviously)

      Carry on Cleo, magnificently recycling the set that had just hosted Burton & Taylor.

  22. Captain DaFt

    Advantage of being dirty minded

    I very rarely get messages with double entendres.

    Everyone knows that I'll always message back responding to the wrong meaning, so they're careful about what they type. ;)

  23. Chemical Bob

    I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number

    Where I live we have four area codes for seven counties, people are always sending texts to the right-number-but-wrong-area-code. Couple of weeks ago got one that said:

    "Drove by your cottage yesterday. Lookin great!"

    To which I replied:

    "Not anymore. Sold it to an Indian named Timmy."

    Once had a woman convinced that I stole her friends phone when I told her I wasn't who she thought I was. She called me all sorts of horrible things, assured me of the legal hell I was in for and asked if I stole the phone myself or bought it from the person who did. I told her the phone was provided by my employer and that Verizon assigned the number so she'd have to take it up with them. She then called me an asshole and never spoke to me again. Sort of like most of my relationships with women, really.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number

      "Where I live we have four area codes for seven counties, people are always sending texts to the right-number-but-wrong-area-code."

      From your later mention of Verizon I assume you are in the USA. Is that right that mobile phones are "tied" to your local area codes? What happens if you are travelling out of area? Or move permanently to another area? From this side of the pond that seems like an odd way to distribute *mobile* phone numbers.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number

        I live and worked (now retired) in one area code. The company HQ and main IT is another about 300 miles away. My work phone (now my private phone) has the area code of the main office. People always think I'm visiting from out of town when I give them my cell number. I kept that number when I retired as everyone I knew had it and I couldn't be arsed to send out a new number.

        It does create a few problems though.. like calling 911 (it automatically routes the old HQ area) and occasionally with the locals who try to dial it using the local area code.

      2. Chemical Bob

        Re: I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number

        "that seems like an odd way to distribute *mobile* phone numbers"

        You'd never survive in the US. You need a much higher Ambiguity Tolerance to live here.

  24. swampdog

    In the words of some real/cartoone character..

    You look stressed, I invite you into my masterbatorium.

    Android game idea. The squirrel, called Timmy, has to collect nuts. In order to do this he needs to fill a sack he is carrying. The game is simple. Let us call it "Timmy's nutsack".

    Is this a pegi3 or 18? Well it depends.

    Timmy has to fill his sack. Once he's filled his nutsack he's obliged to empty it into the nearest hole.

    Please croud-source my company because who would not want to hear embarrassed parents when their child yells in a restaurant, "Mummy, Timmy has emptied his sack!"

  25. Andrew Jones 2

    What?! What sort of super expensive hyper phone did you have that could store 20 messages at once?! All mine could only store 10, on the SIM card as the idea of saving messages in memory didn't exist. I used to wait until the Orange network fell over, at which point you could send as many SMS' as you wanted without your credit being used.... This meant sending every letter of the alphabet to your friends, with each letter in a separate SMS, was great fun, partly because once people noticed the network had crashed, and took full advantage of it - it could take days to deliver those SMS' and generally the network liked to deliver the same SMS anything from 1 to 20 times (presumably because the acknowledgement from the phone to the network that it had received the message already - never made it through) but also because the inability of the phone to hold more than 10 messages at once, meant you were on average going to have to delete all your messages at least 5 - 6 times before you stopped receiving letters of the alphabet........

  26. Michael Habel Silver badge

    Or you know you can just disable all Notifications from the Lock Screen, and secure it by whatever floats your Boat. PIN, Patern, or my favorite Password.

  27. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    "this is a horrible situation"

    *chuckles*

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2019