back to article Siemens Healthcare struck by rebranding madness

Those of delicate linguistic sensibilities are advised to look away as we report today that the Siemens tentacle previous known as Siemens Healthcare has gone under the surgeon's rebranding knife and emerged as the quite remarkable Siemens Healthineers. The Siemens Healthineers logo According to head honcho healthineer …

  1. malle-herbert Silver badge
    Joke

    If only...

    The marketeers had consulted with some languageneers...

    Then the journaleers at El Reg wouldn't be complaining ?

    1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: If only...

      Can we be referred to as commenteers from now on?

      Disney can get away with "imagineers", because their team is dealing with dwarves and anthropomorphized rabbits. I wouldn't suggest that for anyone whose profession deals with a bit more serious content,

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Trollface

        Re: If only...

        Me, a commenteer? No.

        Them "imaginatards". Them "healthintards".

      2. Christian Berger Silver badge

        I've worked at a Siemens subsidiary

        Honestly "imagineer" at Disney probably is more exciting than any "engineering" job at Siemens you can get. Essentially most jobs are about getting bugs out of outsourced code you could have written in a fraction of the time it takes to debug it.

        Siemens Healthcare actually used to be one of the areas where engineers actually had to solve hard problems. I mean you need to be able to do advanced mathematics to do a CT scan.

      3. israel_hands

        Re: If only...

        Disney can get away with "imagineers"

        Strongly disagree.

        Healthineers also sounds like it was devised by a 4-year old. Unless they are specialising in hearing problems and they meant Health In Ears.

        1. Richard Jones 1
          WTF?

          Re: If only... People wanted Heal Thinners

          Why would any one want heal thinners? Surely a it is a finite market?

          One mark deducted for bad spelling, it should have two 'n's and a space between heal and thinners.

      4. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        "Can we be referred to as commenteers from now on?"

        Comentineers, Shirley?

        What do you mean, that's not your name?

      5. Michael Habel Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        And here I thought 'Anthropomorphized Wabbits' was a Time Warner (Bros.) Thing. Perhaps you meant Ducks, (sans Daffy)?

        1. James O'Shea Silver badge

          Re: If only...

          "And here I thought 'Anthropomorphized Wabbits' was a Time Warner (Bros.) Thing. Perhaps you meant Ducks, (sans Daffy)?"

          I take it that you've been living somewhere far, far, far away from Young Adults and Tweens and have therefore not heard of Zootopia. And one Judie Hopps. https://itunes.apple.com/US/movie/id1084138493

          Now, if only this were true for me...

    2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: If only...

      The marketing folks are probably all on a cruise spending the big fat paycheque that they received for the rebranding.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        The marketing folks are probably all on a cruise spending the big fat paycheque that they received for the rebranding.

        ITYM The marketingific folketeers are probabiliteristic all cruiseteering spendingification the big fat paychequeingie that they receivedeers for the rebrandingeers.

  2. Sir Sham Cad

    Excellent

    I can't wait for the first one of these to hit my inbox so I can share the giggles with the team.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Visioneering?

    Outcome led, brand-centric thought leadership, delivering onbrand messaging to client-focused imagineered deliverables.

    Good work guys.

    1. Blank-Reg
      Flame

      Re: Visioneering?

      They'll need these "healthineers" to repair their broken arms after they've finished slapping themselves on the back...

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Visioneering?

      You forgot "disruptive". And of course pointing out the win-win situations created by adding synergy by using a DevOps-inspired approach.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Devil

        Re: Visioneering?

        I wonder what would happen to the poor sods who went for surgery to a DevOperating theatre?

        Presumably the combined surgeon/tester, or "surjester" would administer the abomination operation, while the combined anaesthetist/whalesong DJ or "ether-jockey" kept the victim patient under.

      2. Robert Moore
        Joke

        Re: Visioneering?

        > You forgot "disruptive". And of course pointing out the win-win situations created by adding synergy by using a DevOps-inspired approach.

        Exactly how dirty do you feel right now?

    3. Someone Else Silver badge

      Re: Visioneering?

      Outcome led, brand-centric thought leadership, delivering onbrand messaging to client-focused imagineered deliverables.

      BINGO!

  4. TheProf

    ad infinitum

    "With our new name, we express our ambition to shape the future of healthcare together with you. Our new name marks the beginning of this journey whereby we intend to build upon our key attributes: engineering and pioneering healthcare – key words that define the people working in our company."

    That's the exact statement they'll use in a year's time to announce the new rebranding: Siemens HealthGuys.

    And a year later: Siemens HealthDudes.

    ad infinitum

  5. Alister Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    the informal description of gynaecologists as "privateers"

    Classic!

    Have many of these ---->

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      It'll take about a week to heal so no jolly rogering for a while.

  6. g e
    Coat

    Physician!

    Heal Thine ERS

    ?? OK. Coat got.

  7. Mike 125

    is that PC..?

    Can you say Boutiqueers? I don't think that's allowed these days - depending on where you stress the syllables.

    Siemens Healthcare has long been a laughing stock- so I guess this insanity suits.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: is that PC..?

      So I'm not the only one that read that as bootie-queers and wondered, WTF?

      That's a relief.

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: is that PC..?

        Bootie-keers, I assure you.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: is that PC..?

          Lester,

          If your bootie has ears, might I suggest that you ask your plastic surgeon for a refund?

          I've heard of journalists trying to keep their ear to the ground, but this is ridiculous!

  8. hatti

    Rebrand

    Just a lazy bit of Friday afternoon work joining two words together.

    Anyone who does that is a fanker!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Rebrand

      On the cruise ship I work on I'm both part of the crew, and the entertainment staff.

      In fact, I'm the coxswain, and a sword swallower. What should my rebranded job title be?

      1. BurnT'offering

        Re: What should my rebranded job title be?

        Sabered Seaman?

      2. cosymart
        Happy

        Re: Rebrand

        I ain't Spartacus > Your title is Coxchopper or the less drastic Coxstabber.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Rebrand

          I quite like Swordswain myself.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rebrand

        CoxSwallower?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What about eyes nose and throat?

    1. hatti

      looksmellswallowineers

    2. Sir Sham Cad

      ENTineers, obvs.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    logo

    That appears to be the Fitbit logo.

    Time I went to get a sandwich from the lunchineers.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: logo

      My thoughts exactly the moment I saw it, maybe copyneer is fitting :P.

      luckily it is also friday, this afternoon I shall have to attend several rounds of meetings with the pintineers for a long overdue rebrandying exercise.

  11. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Mastubateers

    1. TRT Silver badge

      or, as those are now known...

      Semen Expressioneers.

  12. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    That is the most bolloquial word I have ever seen! What a load of wankeers...

  13. myhandler

    Ohmygawd - rotflmfao

    It's craptastic!

  14. defiler Silver badge

    "Healthineer"?

    That's a funny way to spell "cock"...

  15. Lee D Silver badge

    And quite how much money was wasted on that?

    I mean, honestly. What a pointless waste of time, effort, money, and email bytes.

    Sorry, but the only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?) and even then, only to eventually decide to retire one of the names.

    Literally EVERY other company name change just makes me think "So, that's a new company number, with new directors, so what are you hiding that you didn't us to find inside the old company?". And when a company rebrands just for the sake of it without even changing who they are, what they do, or what they're registered as? I just think of someone painting their house bright pink over the top of the perfectly-maintained and just-repainted beige underneath.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "Sorry, but the only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?) and even then, only to eventually decide to retire one of the names."

      Or when the old name has become toxic.

      1. Lee D Silver badge

        Is that "acceptable"?

        And does that honestly work?

        Just seems inherently dishonest and will only stick in my mind more in the kind of "Oh, yes, X were Y but they don't want us to remember that, they changed their name rather than fixed the problem" kind of way.

        I can't name a company where the name was changed and suddenly they were much more successful than under their previous dubious-dealing company name.

        1. Dabooka Silver badge
          Joke

          There's loads of companies!

          @Lee D

          You're not thinking very hard. What about EE from T-Mobile and Orange, Virgin from NTL-Telewest, and Network Rail from Railtrack?

          Oh. Yes, I see your point....

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I worked on a rebranding project that actually was necessary. The company's old name sounded like a commodity; I'd heard it in ads for years without realizing it was a brand. But they put a lot more thought into the new name than these "Healthineering" hacks :)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Doctor Syntax Says

        > The only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?)

        HGST and WD are currently merging.

        "Can I have a vowel, please Carol"

        1. Zimmer
          FAIL

          Re: Doctor Syntax Says

          Where have you been? It's 'Can I have a vowel , please, Rachel'.

        2. Someone Else Silver badge

          Re: Doctor Syntax Says

          BNSF?

          CSX?

          (U.S.) railroads are very good at eliminating actual letters from their names.

      4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        > Or when the old name has become toxic.

        So a Microsoft rebrand coming soon then?

    2. Steve K Silver badge

      No real changes required

      Neither a new company number nor new directors are required - a company can trade under any name it likes (within reason and avoiding other trademarks).

      A company can also change its name at Companies House if it likes too - subject to agreement from the directors and shareholders passing the appropriate resolution(s). This also does not need any change of company number or directors.

      The name is still complete bollocks though.

      I wonder if they considered using the song "We built this city" by Starship...? That would be a double-bingo....

      Steve

  16. kmac499

    Sounds like

    A current set of tele ads for a manufacturer and seller of wooden furniture....

    Come on you know who they are, with a tag line of

    "There's no Veneer in 'ere"

    Must be a chat up line, as in some social circles it's best to avoid people with any sort of "Venneer" especially in the downstairs depts.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Sounds like

      But the people who apply veneer... they must be veneerereers.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Sounds like

        "But the people who apply veneer... they must be veneerereers."

        That's a veneereal job.

        1. Andy The Hat Silver badge

          Re: Sounds like

          and, as there's "no veneer in 'ere", there's no risk of catching veneerial disease ...

  17. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    Lazy ripoff of Disney's "Imagineers"... just you wait until Cory Doctorow hears about this!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      And the people who treat rubber compounds with sulphur etc... they would be vulcaneers. I suppose now Leonard Nimoy is dead there's no-one to sue over that; Paramount, maybe.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Doctorow may be the world's foremost authority on Clickbaitineeriing.

  18. nijam Silver badge

    Wankineers

  19. ChubbyBehemoth
    WTF?

    Heal tin s'here?

    I guess that's a way to describe your rather expensive kit.

    "Where's the heal tin?"

    "Heal tin s'here..."

  20. Martin hepworth

    Heal...

    I read that as Heal Thinners, so was about to grab a doughnut...but off to specsavers now.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Heal...

      Specsaveers. Extra syllables are available.

  21. Paul Herber

    So Dilbertacious!

  22. fedoraman
    Coat

    Heal Thin Ears

    I read it as "Heal Thin Ears".

    My ears are just fine, thankyou!

  23. ma1010 Silver badge
    Trollface

    The obvious benefits of Thinkfluence

    I have a suspicion that Lord Bong was involved in the rebranding, as the decision shows clear signs of being Thinkfluence-inspired. Perhaps Lord Bong was involved as a Thinkfluence consultant. Or would that now be correctly referred to as a thinkfluenceer (sounds like "Thinkfluence seer")?

    Looking forward to hearing from him soon.

  24. BurnT'offering

    If I worked for this company

    I would now be either dying of shame or suing them for constructive dismissal. They'd be better off calling themselves Healthy McHealthface.

  25. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Suspiciously German

    The Germans have become quite fond of coining English words in German (Handy, Beamer, Wellness, …) that seem oddly out of context to a native speaker. This seems like another and would go with that abominable song.

    On the other hand, the yanks are the ones who came up with "onboarding" for training so maybe the is just more west coast bollocks.

    Whatever it's genesis I don't really see this tagline getting much traction. Especially in the next Siemens reorganisation, which can't be that far off.

  26. Linker3000

    Learn from history

    Many years ago, there was an attempt to give electronic engineers a shorter, snappy title akin to those what call themselved "electricians". The best anyone could come up with was "electroneers".

    Remember that?

    Thought not.

  27. This post has been deleted by its author

  28. This post has been deleted by its author

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Someone in the branding agency has just won a big bet from a long Friday afternoon in the pub.

    Heal Thine Ers

    The answer's in the name.

    1. Magani
      FAIL

      That branding company...

      ... should join the hairdressers and telephone sanitisers on the B Ark.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "passionate about empowering healthcare providers to optimally serve their patients"

    Thanks you, Siemens, for that. Every so often I think that it might be worth taking the corporate stick up my arse again so that I don't have to live on beans and mud. So it's timely that something like this comes along to remind me that, poor though I may now be, anything beats working in an environment where I might bump into the kind of fuckpig who would construct a sentence as snot-gobblingy putrid as that.

  31. Captain DaFt

    Didja ever get the impression that image consultant companies are having a contest to see who can sell the stupidest idea for the most cash?

    This one is definitely a front runner.

  32. swschrad

    ach, mein Gott

    it is now widely known that Siemens is a money pot for any huckster who claims to be a branding specialist.

  33. Z80

    Healthineers anthem

    I made it 26 seconds into the video then I had to stop it. Anyone made of sterner stuff than me?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Healthineers anthem

      I sat through the whole thing. I had taken some crystal meth, though.

  34. Anomuumi

    I need a healthineer to surgically remove any recollection of this rapeneering of the English language.

    1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
      Meh

      Don't you mean a surgeoneer?

      Docteer, I can't heer out of my left eer I feer. Insureer won't coveer? Tit's okay, I'll fingeer it out lateer.

      Really I would have thought the video was a parody if I'd encountered it without reading the reg article first.

      It's a mad, mad, etc. world.

  35. smartypants

    I hope they'll be giving out...

    Passion-to-win telescopes

    (That was a real thing in a company I once worked for).

  36. Christian Berger Silver badge

    There's an article in the local press

    http://www.nordbayern.de/region/erlangen/erlangen-siemens-healthcare-wird-zu-healthineers-1.5178507

    So this gives us some context. The party happened in Erlangen in the "Röthelheimpark" and was apparently televised around the world. Ohh and they are going to build a new building housing 1000 employees.

    A quote from the chairman of the management, Bernd Montag, "Our new brand is a courageous signal for our standards and expresses our self-image as an enterprise that's close to the people".

    According to the article "many employees liked the change". 5000 employees were there, so "many" could also be a tiny percentage. :) On the other hand, many of those people have worked (nearly) their whole life for (companies like) Siemens. They don't know any different. Siemens has gradually turned into a "bank" since the early 1990s with bean counters replacing physicists in the management, so most of the current employees grew up in a world where things like "quality gates" are far more important than good engineering. They grew up in a world where people feel entitled to ridiculously high salaries, despite of having no idea what they are doing. They probably think such rebrandings are normal.

    1. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: There's an article in the local press

      According to this article the new h-word is inspired(cough!) by "health", "engineer", and "pioneer". So it really should be healthineereer.

      My hovercraft is full of eers!

  37. Crisp Silver badge

    Healthineers? Is that like a fungineer from Futurama?

    I've never met anybody with a degree in healthineering.

    1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Healthineers? Is that like a fungineer from Futurama?

      No, it's like a Langolier from the Stephen King story.

  38. Brian T
    Pint

    Erlangen?

    Now it makes sense. Bergkirchweih. Too long testing the festmarzenbier before the start of the party, guys.

    If you are free, Bergkirchweih runs from 12th-23rd May this year. Other beer festivals are available.

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