back to article Auto erotic: Self-driving cars will let occupants bonk on the go

A Canadian car safety expert has introduced the world to a surprising moral panic, warning that if people no longer have to drive their cars, they'll have sex in them instead. The idea that an autonomous vehicle might become a “shaggin' wagon”* comes from Barrie Kirk, Executive Director of the Canadian Automated Vehicles …

  1. werdsmith Silver badge

    I don't think it's that unusual now anyway. even in manual cars for some one-way foreplay to begin long before the destination is reached (and by destination I mean location).

    1. theOtherJT

      Re: one-way foreplay

      It's like they've never heard the term "Road Head"...

  2. tom dial Silver badge

    I thought we in the US had a near monopoly of this kind of nonsense, and that Canada was a more relaxed and sensible place than this article suggests.

    People have been having sex in automobiles for over a century, sometimes while the auto was in motion. It can hardly be worse if an emotionless robot is in charge of the vehicle while the warm-blooded are otherwise occupied.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      It does seem to be spreading lately and might be contagious. I wonder if those who come up with these "concerns" are really idiots or actually think it's a clever way to get their names in the news. I'm just surprised he didn't bring up "think of the children who might see this activity in the car next to them.".

  3. DougS Silver badge

    If you are required to be available to take over

    Then cars will need to have some a lot of Chinese fire drills, that tell you tap the brake and hit the turn signal or something like that to confirm you are paying attention.

    When cars no longer require you to be available (and don't have any driver controls) then who's business it is what you are doing while you travel? If you want to work, eat, watch movies, sleep or have sex who cares? Though for the last two having windows with adjustable tint to block the sun (and people seeing inside) would come in handy.

    1. stanimir

      Re: If you are required to be available to take over

      Though for the last two having windows with adjustable tint to block the sun (and people seeing inside) would come in handy.

      Simple blinders would do the trick.

      1. Lobrau

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        We wouldn't be living in the future if we used mere blinds to cover windows. No no, what we need is automated bonk-detecting smartglass, which tints to >85% black when buttocks or other such jiggly bits are detected.

      2. laird cummings

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        As would simply minding one's own business.

    2. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: If you are required to be available to take over

      @DougS

      This is exactly the point that Volvo are making. They claim they are making a system that can drive in all situations, and they are critical of Tesla's system that still requires a human driver to suddenly take over in the event of something unexpected occurring on the road.

      Also, the size of a Volvo is more amenable to horizontal dancing than a Tesla... I think Volvo's marketing department has missed a trick by not making more of this!

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        Once they have perfected the system and won approvals to use it then I imagine they will. It will be a lot easier to get busy in the front seat without that steering wheel and gearshift getting in the way!

      2. Shady

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        @Dave 126 - they could call it the self-driving Vulva

      3. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        "the size of a Volvo is more amenable to horizontal dancing than a Tesla"

        You clearly haven't driven a post-1980s Volvo (unless you mean their 18-wheelers)

      4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: If you are required to be available to take over

        "Also, the size of a Volvo is more amenable to horizontal dancing than a Tesla... I think Volvo's marketing department has missed a trick by not making more of this!"

        That sort of advert might well play in Sweden. Not so much in the US mid-west or on broadcast tv in general where a slipped nipple is cause for outrage while realistic death, murder, gore and mayhem are a childrens TV staple.

  4. stanimir

    Solution

    A possible solution would be the auto to perform the necessary stimulus, eliminating the human factor (busy hands/feet/etc). Thus, if it 'feels' the urge to transfer control it can cut off the said stimulus (incl. visual one, if need be).

    Not an expert but I believe Barrie might find it pleasing and satisfying on his right own.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Solution

      So that would give a whole new meaning to the concept of a "babe-mobile".

  5. werdsmith Silver badge

    Doggers

    Doggers need not look for a quiet car park, they can indulge whilst mobile in convoy of vehicles.

  6. jake Silver badge

    That's nothing ...

    ... I've personally seen several couples (m/f, m/m and f/f (not certain about trans, for obvious reasons)) doing the "serious sexual stimulation" thing on motorcycles. As long as they don't hurt/kill anybody else, more power to them ;-)

    "In a bygone era, Australian auto-makers marketed a curiously parochial configuration called the “panel van”, colloquially the “shaggin' wagon”, as the ideal of transport and bed."

    That's the Ford Econoline/Transit (depending on jurisdiction). AKA "the fuck van". Mostly bought in a minimal configuration, then fitted with floor to ceiling shag[0] carpet & futon by the purchaser.

    [0] Note: The term "shag", when it comes to carpet, has nothing to do with sex.[1]

    [1]Thankfully. Ever shake out a shag carpet? Them crumbs are a hazard to private parts!

    1. madick

      Re: That's nothing ...

      "Mostly bought in a minimal configuration, then fitted with floor to ceiling shag[0] carpet & futon by the purchaser."

      Carried out these mods on Landrover 2A LWB back in 1976. Worked a treat and we're still married.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm relieved

    (sorry)

    I mean, where sex is involved, porn follows, and when it does, it does so ueber-fast (sorry, ueber, there's prior art in that ueber). So, progress in car automation is now not only assured, but pretty much imminent.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'm relieved

      With the modern trend of an app to get things delivered to your door. Live pr0n ueber-style in a driverless wagon - ready to go.

  8. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    So, will autonomous vehicle be illegal in the Bible BeltTM ?

  9. TheProf

    One off

    Was this a one-off (stop that you filthy swine!) comment that's been taken out of context?

  10. David Roberts

    Fatal flaw in self drive?

    Leaving all the shagging on the side, if self driving cars require someone to be alert and in charge at all times ready to take over in an emergency then what is the point?

    Long journeys are deadly dull anyway and it is hard enough to maintain alertness and concentration. If you are just sitting there for hours on end poised for an emergency beyond the capabilities of the AI you might as well be driving.

    If you expect to benefit from the self driving capabilities by doing something productive (um...) with your time such as catching up on work or the latest news then you aren't going to be poised to take over in an emergency. Certainly no chance to catch up on your sleep.

    More thought required.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Fatal flaw in self drive?

      Indeed.

      Volvo believes that Level 3 autonomy, where the driver needs to be ready to take over at a moment's notice, is an unsafe solution. Because the driver is theoretically freed up to work on email or watch a video while the car drives itself, the company believes it is unrealistic to expect the driver to be ready to take over at a moment's notice and still have the car operate itself safely. "It's important for us as a company, our position on autonomous driving, is to keep it quite different so you know when you're in semi-autonomous and know when you're in unsupervised autonomous,"

      Volvo's Drive Me autonomous car, which will launch in a public pilot next year, is a Level 4 autonomous car — this means not only will it drive itself down the road, but it is capable of handling any situation that it comes across without any human intervention. As a result, the human doesn't need to be involved in the driving at all. If something goes wrong, the car can safely stop itself at the side of the road.

      - http://www.theverge.com/2016/4/27/11518826/volvo-tesla-autopilot-autonomous-self-driving-car

      (Please don't take this post as a recommendation of Volvo's products - I'm no expert. However, their approach does strike me as being safer. There was a racing video game called WipEout which featured a 5 second autopilot 'powerup' - resuming control of the racing craft always gave me nervous, and would occasionally result in me crashing my virtual vehicle. )

  11. ChubbyBehemoth

    Suspension error!!!

    I wonder if the designers of these cars will take the rhythmic fluctuations of mass within the car into account. And wouldn't there be at least one who has already got the vision of a bangvan with extensions and a whole slew of adaptable extra's in mind. Auto cleaning gets a whole new meaning...

    However, if my surroundings are anything to go by with, it will probably be another type of entertainment system that will be the standard. VR sets with car crashes and stuff like that a la deathrace 2000. Enabling you to virtually drive your car over all the pedestrians and puppies. In a tank,... while slugging through the traffic at a automated pace.

    1. Nixinkome

      Re: Suspension error!!!

      "Auto cleaning gets a whole new meaning..."

      So does Car Wash.

      [You require a hole in your mint but not your condom]

      Late to the ring but I note that charges for surge pricing are to stay.

    2. Nixinkome

      Re: Suspension error!!!

      Part II

      "Show us the Clammy Crew [JC, Hamster and Captain Slow] and bring Condoms To Go, Alexa."

  12. BurnT'offering

    Just looking at the Google car

    is enough to kill anyone's libido. Shagging inside one of those would be like having sexual fantasies about a teletubby. The bubble car on the other hand, though small, does at least have the cool factor of looking like the escape pod from Flash Gordon's rocket. I do hope the advent of self-driving cars doesn't mean they all end up looking like sexless, style-less blobs

    1. Jemma Silver badge

      Re: Just looking at the Google car

      You'd be surprised what people find erotic.. and then you'd need to find the brain bleach.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Blobby cars?

        Look back to the past...

        The only product known to have been bought by what is to believed Apple's car division is a 1959 Fiat 500 Multipla:

        http://s1.cdn.autoevolution.com/images/gallery/FIAT-600-Multipla-2342_18.jpg

        It doesn't look completely dissimilar to the Google car, but is more attractive. The use of interior space is good too, and could be further advanced with an electric drivetrain.

        Who knows, it's all conjecture. Jony Ive is known to be a Fiat fan, though his daily vehicle is a chauffeur driven (at his bosses' insistance) Bentley Mulsanne

        1. madick

          Re: Blobby cars?

          There's more than enough space in the back of Fiat 600 Multipla for horizontal dancing.

          However, a threesome in the back of Fiat Nuova 500 (http://www.automodely.sk/8488-thickbox/fiat-nuova-500-eco-diorama-1-43.jpg and http://www.automodely.sk/8490-thickbox/fiat-nuova-500-eco-diorama-1-43.jpg) required:

          physical dexterity, mutual determination, college student grade stupidity and the roof rolled right back.

          The design of the roof was changed on the 500D and later models so that it only opened half way - spoilsports!

      2. laird cummings
        Trollface

        Re: Just looking at the Google car

        Rule 34. No exceptions.

    2. Jemma Silver badge

      Re: Just looking at the Google car

      There was the guy who was shagging the family Austin Metro, stuck Mr Happy into the exhaust without realising it was hot, and welded his willy into the pipe. They had to cut him free then cut the pipe lengthwise to get him out.. then third degree burns and skin grafts...

      ...hark, is that the sound of a million buttocks clenching in terror...?

    3. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Devil

      Re: Just looking at the Google car

      Shagging inside one of those would be like having sexual fantasies about a teletubby.

      What's wrong with that? Po is very attractive. And when she says, "here comes the tubby custard!" I go all gooey...

      1. BurnT'offering

        Re: Just looking at the Google car

        You evil person! Keep on like that and you could be the next Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: Just looking at the Google car

          Not interested. I've heard it can be a punishing job...

  13. Christoph Silver badge

    Small cars

    "Disrobing in a smart car isn't easy - have you tried?"

    -- Fascinating Aida, "Dogging"

    NSFW! https://youtu.be/MXzaVOk_Ydk

  14. Jemma Silver badge

    KR200 bubble car

    There's plenty of room in the Humber Hawk series car next to it, and with the grand total of 80hp, shagging might be the only way to alleviate the boredom of trundling along at 65mph. The Imperial had air suspension and a straight six, so at least you wouldn't make other occupants sick with the bouncing, and it could get out of its own way.

    Shagging in a smart car would probably result in major dislocations or someone having to have the stick shift surgically removed..

    The kind of dogging an ex was into involved fur and a tail, not the sainsburys carpark...

    It's be a brilliant way to restart evolution, put a trip into the system, as soon as shagging is detected the autonomous function switches off... there'd be some funny shaped coffins...

    NB: The Ford Transit and the Econoline were two totally different things thank god, Transit being made from the parts bin by engineers to be good to drive using mostly car bits, the Econoline being built using the parts bin by accountants who got kicked out of dentistry college for sadism beyond the call of duty.

    1. EastFinchleyite

      Re: KR200 bubble car - Ve haf vays of making you bonk.

      Never tried it in a KR200 but as a teenager I had another of Germany's fine micro-cars, the BMW Isetta.

      Believe me, anything is possible if you use your imagination and you are desperate enough.

      But for sheer copulatory excellence there was little to beat the Austin Maxi with fold down rear seats.

    2. laird cummings
      Trollface

      Re: KR200 bubble car

      If my girlfriend and I could get busy in the *front* seat of a Chevy Vega (and we were both of us six feet tall*), then I don't see any realistic barriers to getting it on in any vehicle that can accomodate two adults.

      *(and a lot more flexible then, than now)

  15. Fenton

    Windows

    Does this mean all self driving cars will have to have blacked out Windows?

    I've seen enough truck drivers watching port on their on dash TVs.

    Once we have self driving cars will we start seeing more and more drivers knocking one out on the way to work?

    So please can we have blacked out windows.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Windows

      You can already buy LCD-based films for windows, that will switch from transparent to translucent at the flick of switch.

      It's available as a self-adhesive film for easy retrofitting to windows, apparently.

      http://www.invisishade.com/

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "I've seen enough truck drivers watching port on their on dash TVs."

      What's wrong with that? If I had a bottle of fortified wine balanced on my dashboard, I'd be keeping an eye on it too. Better still, find somewhere more secure to stow it...

  16. Elmer Phud

    As an occasional cyclist I reckon that this is only a small step as, from my experience, vehicles with 'A.L.' on them are driven by complete wankers.

  17. Oengus Silver badge

    There used to be a car brand hupmobile that was/is regularly misspelled or mispronounced as humpmobile... (for years I thought humpmobile was the actual name).

    Maybe the brand will have a revival.

  18. JustWondering
    Happy

    Excuse me!

    I thought the possibility of sex while traveling was one of the selling features of autonomous vehicles.

  19. ian 22
    Paris Hilton

    Mobile Bordellos!

    Any number of vehicles can be outfitted to suit any taste! The mobile Turkish harem, the mobile B&D dungeon, etc. Charge by the mile/Km rather than 15 minute increment. No need for a pimp or overpriced room (or driver).

    £s in!

  20. Anonymous Cow Herder

    Car takes over

    with some fairly simple "optional extras" in the event that you have to take over the activity of driving, the car could take over your activity. Problem solved

  21. laird cummings
    Coat

    New meaning to the phrase...

    "...Go play in traffic!"

    (back in *my* old fossil days, these were called "Pussy Wagons")

  22. sisk Silver badge

    Given the number of people who have sex, or at least foreplay of some sort, while they're driving now I can't see them doing it in a self-driving car as anything but an improvement.

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