back to article Chilling evidence emerges of Kilocat weapon

Our recent speculation that it might be possible to hoist 1,000 cats aloft under a helium-filled, stadium-sized sandwich bag and then drop them from 32km to devastating effect appears to be somewhat more than idle Friday afternoon pre-pub musing. Sensationally, we at El Reg have obtained solid evidence that the US has indeed …

  1. m0rt Silver badge

    I don't know what I am jealous of more.

    Your Playmobil collection or the fact that some of you got paid for doing this.

    I want your job.

    edit: Read this article to my cat. She rated it a 7.

    1. swschrad

      uh, in America, we do those stories on April 1st

      your beer may be too strong. certainly too warm. ditch Lucas and get better refrigeration.

      1. Elmer Phud Silver badge

        Re: uh, in America, we do those stories on April 1st

        Over here we don' need no frikkin' excuses!

  2. pete 22
    Paris Hilton

    I've been saying for years that the way to defeat the Soviets is to drop a load of kittens on em. The ones that aren't overcome with a case of the "Aww, cute!" will instead be tripping over them and unable to go anywhere. Paris cuz its a lot of pussy.

    EDIT TO ADD: Stadium-sized sandwich bag? Thats a mighty big sandwich, would that be the post-pub nosh?

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Mighty big sandwich

      It'd be a couple of these, for sure...

      http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/12/06/post_pub_nosh_francesinha/

    2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

      "I've been saying for years that the way to defeat the Soviets is to drop a load of kittens on em."

      Obviously you've been saying it for so long that you failed to notice that they were defeated in 1990. No cats required.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Go

        Cats

        Obviously you've been saying it for so long that you failed to notice that they were defeated in 1990. No cats required.

        No? It was actually a border guard accidentally leaving the gate open after a moggie that wanted to be on the other side (there were no cat flaps in the Berlin Wall, big mistake). Then one phrase in the permission from Krenz "Yo, you cats are free to go" to install cat flaps was misinterpreted by Schabowski, and the rest is history.

        1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
          Big Brother

          Re: Cats

          Given the fairly large amount of apparently stray dogs around last time I was out that way, I think they've already caught wind of the plan and deployed their counter measures...

  3. Neil 32

    Have a beer...

    You deserve it for that!

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Have a beer...

      Thank you sir, I will indeed take a couple of ales later.

  4. Paul Woodhouse

    WTF did I just read?????

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Welcome to El Reg!

    2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      Re: WTF did I just read?????

      A traditional English work of fiction.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: WTF did I just read?????

        A traditional English work of fiction

        This could give Kim Jong-un ideas - he'll want to make a Megacat weapon

    3. Elmer Phud Silver badge

      The clue is towards the end -- it is a belligerant and direct response to 'I'm so Lonely' jr.

  5. TimR

    Dabbsy, BOFH & classic Lester tomfoolery - a brilliant Friday

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Tomfoolery?

      TomCATfoolery, Shirley?

      1. PNGuinn
        Mushroom

        TomCATfoolery, Shirley?

        DON'T CALL A TOMCAT SHIRLEY!

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: TomCATfoolery, Shirley?

          > DON'T CALL A TOMCAT SHIRLEY!

          Why not? All the ones I've smelled^W known have been pretty secure in their tomcattery..

          As for the ones with removed.. uh.. 'appendages' - they don't care.

    2. twellys
      Thumb Up

      Yep, up-voted because it's a super lineout!

  6. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Playmobil do fish now?

    Who knew?

    1. Esme

      PDF version?

      That was brilliantly silly! Thank you for making me smile on what has been a trying day at work! I don't suppose there's PDF versions of your various Playmobil escapades, especially this one?

      Esme (looking to see if she can get a job as a cat wrangler at a kilocat-weapons making facility)

  7. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    Dear sir, My Fridays consist of sitting at a desk being sneered at by thirty-somethings who think Unix is hard, computers are clever and older mainframe era staff are shirt thick.

    At my desk my job is to look for the dumbass mistake made in the latest script written by "our best script guy" and fix it, while being yelled at by people who think I am responsible for the code in question.

    My daughter has announced her intention to move 1700 miles away, leaving her sizable collection of Playmobil behind. Said collection includes many items long out of production and hence rare, and also many items only sold in Canada.

    In short, I have the motivation and the equipment, and a strong desire to leave Mr Coder neck deep in his own work.

    Gissajob!

    1. Paul Kunert

      Re: Bah!

      In a word, no. On second thoughts, still no. But if you'd like to donate said items to Lester then we might be able to name one after you? Deal?

      1. Stevie Silver badge

        Re: Bah!

        "Donate"?

        Donate the Innuit family and sled team? The three different colored dragons with broken chains? The lear jet that seats 8 plus two pilots? The Viking ship with crew? The Pirate ship with crew and working cannons and a secret compartment in the poop deck c/w treasure chest? The three foot wide, two and a half foot tall castle "with everything"? The farm? The polar reasearch station?

        Dream on. They are mine for research purposes now.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Bah!

          > The polar reasearch station?

          Maybe you could donate that one to NERC. Doubtless they'll be happy to get a freebie now they have spent all their money on Boaty McBoatface..

  8. Ugotta B. Kiddingme
    Coffee/keyboard

    simple comedic timing

    "The challenge of how to guide 1,000 cats from altitude to a floating platform in the vast Pacific may seem insurmountable, but the solution is in fact very simple:"

    [picture of space-based laser pointer]

    Well played, Lester. Well played...

    1. PNGuinn
      FAIL

      Re: simple comedic timing

      Wot - no shark??

      1. Michael Thibault

        Re: simple comedic timing

        >shark?

        Technically, there is a shark--but it's a whale shark. A filter-feeder. Who the hell would equip such a useless shark with frikken lasers and send it to do bad-ass shit? Seriously! The only thing bad-ass about it would be the laser.

        There's a serious problem in personnel.

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: simple comedic timing

          It's just as well that US Patent 5443036: "Method of exercising a cat" (using a laser pointer) has lapsed!

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: simple comedic timing

          "a whale shark. A filter-feeder. Who the hell would equip such a useless shark with frikken lasers"

          Even worserer, some dozy halibut mounted the laser on it's back! FFS we all know sharks mount their lasers on the heads! All the better to hit what you look at.

  9. fedoraman
    Happy

    Spot the Ian M. Banks Reference

    See title /\

    Loved it.

    1. Sweeper
      Pint

      Re: Spot the Ian M. Banks Reference

      It's too picky for Friday evening, but it should be the Great Iain M. Banks. With added 'i'.

  10. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Brilliant investigative journalism at its Friday finest

    A hearty congratulations, El Reg, for a very in-depth article on yet more DARPA shenanigans. I do hope that, when the cat is finally let out of the bag, people will remember that it was revealed here first.

    Well done. Very well done.

    P.S. need a cat icon - or maybe a kilocat one.

    1. pete 22

      Re: Brilliant investigative journalism at its Friday finest

      Seconded -- El Reg needs a LOLcat icon

  11. Tessier-Ashpool

    Purrfect

    for a Friday afternoon.

  12. Roger Kynaston
    Pint

    First class

    Very enjoyable and I for one welcome our thousand feline overlords. Add my virtual beer to the jars for this evening though were I happily in Spain I would like to have a nice bottle of Navarra wine.

  13. Mayhem
    Black Helicopters

    Not the first time

    Oh it's been on the military industrial complex radar for years.

    Here's an example from back in the day when EDS would send cowboys out into the plains to round up a thousand texas longhairs.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTwJzTsb2QQ

  14. moiety

    2: Catification

    Categorisation, shirley?

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      On the Fritz!

      Worse: Mathematical catiomatization followed by weaponizing via purrification. The overfelining cations alone will transmoggify the area around Ground Whiskas furr hundreds of square kilometers.

  15. insertusername

    I head originally they were planning to use tax evasers and corportae at part of the wcds (Weapons of Cat Destruction) but sadly the technology isn't around to lift the weight required. Tom was also considered but he is in intensive therapy for mouse trauma and for being a useless cat who can't even catch a single mouse

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Seeing how State is splurging on this new weapon of mass destruction, they will have to find quite a few "tax evasers" lest the Central Bank printshop need to shit out yet another container of greenbacks. On the other hand, they are in form now, not long till the burning shit hits the hoi polloi.

  16. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

    reuse?

    SpaceX has its autonomous recovery barge I Still Love You But I Think We Should See Other People on standby

    I'm not sure I'd plan on reusing anything that's been marked by 1000 angry or scared cats, although I guess Elon Musk would definitely count as nominative determinism.

  17. e^iπ+1=0

    Somewhere in Nevada

    Prolly like area 17 or 3 or a product thereof.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Somewhere in Nevada

      I thought it would more likely be Area 3.1415926, Section F (for Fish)

  18. Captain DaFt

    Thank you!

    Until today, I hadn't realised how badly I missed these playmobil shenanigans. Good job!

  19. Chris Holford
    Happy

    -stranger than fiction?

    see <http://www.josieholford.com/those-apocryphal-flying-cats-of-borneo/>

  20. Swiss Anton
    Pint

    Purrrrfect Journalism

    But let's hope Blofeld doesn't get his hands on a Kilocat

    1. cosymart
      Childcatcher

      Re: Purrrrfect Journalism

      Don't worry Mr Bond, "James Bond" will soon catNip that in the bud.

  21. x 7

    no cats left in North Korea: Kim Jong Il ate them all after he finished scoffing all the rabbits.

    Fat bastard

    1. Mpeler
      Coat

      haircut, erm, haircat, erm...

      That would certainly be a cat-astrophe...

  22. Driver's Door

    The big question is...

    Does anyone know if the Black Ops division of Walmart ever has 2-for-1 sales?

  23. harmjschoonhoven
    Mushroom

    Suicide Bomber Bats

    In fact the U.S. Navy experimented with bat bombs, not cat bombs. Ten- to eleven-gram Mexican free-tailed bats carried a 17.5 gram napalm time bomb designed in 1943 by Louis Fieser.

    Researchers planned to pack the bats into five-foot-tall steel bombshells the size of a Standard 500-pound bomb. Each shell was filled with circular steel trays about one and a half inches tall, subdivided into small rectangular bat-sized niches and fitted upside down one on top of the other. Hibernating bats with napalm bombs attached to their breasts with surgical clips -thought to simulate the teeth of a baby bat- were to be placed in each compartment. Timing and safety wires connected each bat to the tray above and to the compartment walls. Strings two- to three-inches long connected the trays. On release, a parachute deployed and a mechanical device jettisoned the casing. Trays fell to the bottom of their connecting strings like an accordion and released the timing wires. As the deployed bat bomb descended into warmer air, the bats were expected to wake up, wiggle or fall out of their cubicles, and fly away in the process removing the safety wires and arming the bombs. Each shell could carry 1,030 bats. A twin-engined B-25 could carry twenty-five shells: almost 26,000 individual bat bombs. A Del Mar, California, company owned by entertainer Bing Crosby and his brother Larry was contracted to manufacture the devices.

    Napalm, An American Biography by Robert M. Neer, page 48. Photo's after page 86.

    1. x 7

      Re: Suicide Bomber Bats

      "designed in 1943 by Louis Fieser."

      I've worked in two companies run by students of Louis Fieser. Both were brilliant chemists, but bat-shit crazy. Now I know where they both got it from.......

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge

        Re: Suicide Bomber Bats

        I've worked in two companies run by students of Louis Fieser. Both were brilliant chemists, but bat-shit crazy. Now I know where they both got it from.......

        It's all due to a trauma he suffered when he was a sboolboy. He was attacked by a bat.

        1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

          Re: Suicide Bomber Bats

          @Stoneshop: you are Mr Smoketoomuch, and I claim my 5£.

      2. MonkeyCee Silver badge

        Re: Suicide Bomber Bats

        All brilliant chemists are batshit crazy.

    2. Public Citizen

      Re: Suicide Bomber Bats

      Followup:

      The project was terminated before it became operational because a group of bats equipped with napalm charges escaped from their cage, nested in the roofs of the temporary wooden buildings that the facility was built around, and burned most of the base down.

      In one accident demonstrating that the idea worked and that it was too dangerous to deploy, leading to the decision to abandon the program before it could go operational.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My Great great great grandfather was lost on that pioneering wagon trip. It is good, although saddening, to finally learn his demise and able to put to rest ideas that he was a ppprrrooowwwllleeerrrr

  25. Alister Silver badge

    In other news, it is understood that the Australian government has categorically denied that they have been developing a weaponised Drop Bear in the Kiloton range.

  26. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Very nice indeed!

    Have you ever considered sending this stuff to a scientific journal? Like Annals of Improbable Research? Fits right in with classics like "Feline Reactions to Bearded Men"

  27. Knewbie

    In other news...

    An El'Reg author was found half dead while trying to smuggle 100 pounds worth of "catnip" out of his office conveniently situated near St Mary's cats hospital.

    The police is unsure if this was an attempted terror attack but declared it would weed out potential suspects

    1. Public Citizen

      Re: In other news...

      Was the author found in a CATatonic state?

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