back to article I am sending pouting selfies to a robot. Its AI is well buff

I like to pick roses on a summer’s day and meeting friends. I dearly wish for world peace. I hope to work with children, just as soon as I have completed my doctorate in astrophysics. Not really, but I am in training. I am about to enter a beauty contest. At the risk of slipping back into my default double-entendre mode, it’s …

  1. Franco Silver badge

    An app named for hipsters that categorises all hipsters as ugly? That may well be the most hipster thing there has ever been, it's certainly within standard "irony" parameters for them.

  2. Ketlan
    Windows

    How dare they?

    '...one of the key ground rules is NO BEARDS'

    That's me fucked then. :-(

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How dare they?

      Probably not ......

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: How dare they?

        And my wife.

        1. Santa from Exeter
          Pirate

          Re: How dare they?

          What we need is an app to *add* beards to all the baby-faced boys who can't grow a decent one like mine!

          Beardr anyone?

          Pirates, because they had beards as well (Apart from Rachel Wall, obviously)

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

            Re: How dare they?

            I've got white hair. Whilst growing a beard now is OK, the confusion come Christmastime is too much of a problem. Hence I am destined to remain soup-catcher free. Unless I ever find myself in dire need of employment come December...

            1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

              Re: How dare they?

              > Hence I am destined to remain soup-catcher free

              I recently allowed my moustache to grow much longer than usual. Until the pain of trying to eat it every time I had a sandwich and having to clean [$RANDOM_BEVERAGE] out of it post-drinking eventually made me strim it back to the usual length.

              Although I'll doubtless grow it longer again as Management-Committee-of-One liked it longer. I'd like to think that it's because it made me look dashing and handsome[1] but I suspect that, again, it's because it covers more of my face..

              [1] Stop sniggering at the back. We all have to have our yearning after the impossible.

          2. Doctor_Wibble
            Paris Hilton

            Re: How dare they?

            > Beardr anyone?

            A very long time ago, and the last time I ever opened an email attachment without quadruple-checking it, I ran the attached exe (on a genuinely typed real email from someone I knew) and got a popup message saying "You've been bearded" and moments later noticed that my desktop background had been changed for a tiled array of pictures of a lady of a somewhat surprisingly hirsute nature and decided that this had been a lucky escape and a good lesson in the nuances of trust in the modern world.

            For some it would be a warning to be careful of what you wish for. And a possible doubling of site traffic.

            Paris, because obviously.

            1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

              Re: How dare they? Respect the Beard!

              Respect the beard!

              Obey the Beard!

              Obey the Beard by Psychostick [Official] Beard Song

              https://youtu.be/q0kSuZFOwFE

          3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: How dare they?

            > baby-faced boys who can't grow a decent one like mine!

            It could be said that I can't really grow a decent beard[1] either - hasn't stopped me having one for the last 25 years[2],,

            [1] As in "Captain Birdeye" decent. My Dad did but he'd had a lot more practice at beardism than me.

            [2] Also helped by my management-committee-of-one who doesn't like me without a beard.[3]

            [3] Actually - to be fair I think "prefers me with a beard" is closer to the truth.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a...

    ...handsome bastard you are, Mr. Dabbs. That portrait below the article had me nearly fall off my chair.

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Happy

      Re: What a...

      Your "thick forest of hair" is still there...it's just migrated off your head down to your back.

      // no thanks necessary, glad to help!

      1. Darryl

        Re: What a...

        Some of mine made a detour to my ears

  4. BugabooSue
    Happy

    You clean up nice!!

    Actually Dabbsy, I'm impressed! Forget the article - I really thought for a moment the headline photo was of the new JB.

    I thought, "Mmmm. He's nice! A good choice." (I think you look a bit like Zachary Quinto. Thought it might have been him in the role for a second too)

    "Mummy! I'm scared!" I fancy Dabbsy! :)

    Nice one fella. I go read the article now.

    Susi xx

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: You clean up nice!!

      Jesus, get a room!

      1. Esme
        Joke

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        @AC - What, so a girl can't compliment a guy on his looks without getting criticised for it, these days? What are you, some kind of loony androminist?

        1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

          Re: You clean up nice!! @Esme

          I think you're objectifying him!

          Complementing him on his looks, that's clearly sexual harassment!

          Quick, call the reverse-feminist brigade.

          (what do you mean he's not complaining)

      2. psychonaut

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        "Jesus, get a room!"

        a chat room?

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: You clean up nice!!

      It's an old photo. I'm much flabbier now - more like Roger Moore. With a bit of Roger Rabbit.

      1. Alister Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        It's an old photo. I'm much flabbier now...

        As the photo at the foot of the article shows...

        On, no, sorry, that's Les Dawson...

      2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        Alistair,

        No problem. So long as you're still getting rogered more, and you can go like a rabbit...

      3. Tabor

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        Roger Moore & Daniel Craig & Roger Rabbit. All in one package.

        I wonder... Do you also do parties ? I would pay extra if you could bring a bond girl, and a bonus if you could bring Jessica.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: You clean up nice!!

        .... and Roger Rabbit had Jessica ....... is life that good as a journo?

  5. Dr_N Silver badge

    Rynkl

    Sounds like a load of old Wänc.

    PS.

    The camera has been kind to you Mr Dabbs.

    Or have you been using some post processing app? (Called Slymr?)

    1. earl grey Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Rynkl

      Is that Slymr pronounced "slimmer" or "slimer"? inquiring minds and all.

      Anyway...Rynkl reminds me of Cyrkle; and yes, it's a Turn Down Day.

      Now get off my lawn.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Another quality piece

    I love the juxtaposition in the picture, although that also suggests a suspicious competence with Photoshop or similar applications :).

    There is actually an application called PortraitProfessional that automates cleaning up someone's facial shot, but it'll need something like AWS in computing power to handle my face. It would overtax my Macbook with 2,5 GHz Intel Core i7 and 16GB of RAM..

    What I love more, however, is the article - excellent :).

    1. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Another quality piece

      "....cleaning up someone's facial shot..."

      Hmmm, saw a video like that once on the internet, then my wife walked in and caught me, that was that!

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Trollface

      Re: Another quality piece

      but it'll need something like AWS in computing power to handle my face.

      Is that why Google's cloud crashed this week?

  7. phuzz Silver badge

    "I continue to have difficulty understanding why every new app is obliged to be named like a 1970s Slade album"

    Because all the good names were trademarked years ago?

    I for one welcome our new doruyhbeslkrtw34pjtv masters.

    1. Ian 55

      .. and the domain name costs more

      Making someone an offer on a short bunch of random letters dotcom is likely to be cheaper than what you really want too.

      wfbei.com anyone? Mapping or law enforcement use beckons.

  8. Mage Silver badge

    modern era’s obsession with misspelt branding

    It's not modern. At least to 1880s. It's to do with trademarks etc, easier to protect "Batrymax" than "Battery Max". Or Kleen than Clean (Kleenex).

    Though Google slipped up. Enid Blyton has "Google buns" in the "Faraway Tree" series, I think maybe 1942.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: modern era’s obsession with misspelt branding

      Yep, you cannot trademark a common word. You can also lose your trademark if it becomes a common word.

      My workplace discovered the former earlier this week. Kleenex is battling the latter in the US where the word is becoming synonymous with the word "tissue".

      1. Jeffrey Nonken Silver badge

        Re: modern era’s obsession with misspelt branding

        Don't forget Xerox.

    2. TeeCee Gold badge
      Alert

      Re: modern era’s obsession with misspelt branding

      Google buns

      Don't, just don't OK?

  9. Zork-1

    Where is that app that tells you if your life is worth living?

    It must already have data about where you live, who your friends are and where you frequent, and how many hours of sleep you get per night.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      I was developing it but I didn't like the answers and it never got out of alpha.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      It's called Saddr.

      Does a comparison with the nearest other person who has the app, then detonates the batteries killing the loser. The idea is to gradually increase human happiness - or at least train people to be able to pretend.

      It's billed as a "synergistic human lifestyle improvement paragidm"

  10. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

    The name is Dabbs. Alistair Dabbs.

    Cool picture!

    (And a big improvement over the mental image brought on by your claim in the comments last week that you are really someone called Doris, growing parsnip.)

  11. TheProf
    Facepalm

    reality TV cocksuckers

    Now look what you've done. You've given the 'creative' people an idea.

    1. Dr_N Silver badge

      Re: reality TV cocksuckers

      "The Great British Fluff-Off" ?

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: reality TV cocksuckers

      Channel 4 has got there first (Sex Box).

  12. Teiwaz Silver badge

    Scrubs up well...

    It's amazing what tux can do. I was amazed at myself the few times I've managed to squeeze into one (rented, obviously) I had to pay extra in case a breathed out to suddenly.

    1. lglethal Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Scrubs up well...

      A (paraphrased) quote from an Aussie author I read once (but I forget the name... woops - I'm on a roll today!):

      "The man in a tuxedo is never overdressed. The moment he arrives at the party, every other male in the room becomes underdressed."

      1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        Re: Scrubs up well...

        "The man in a tuxedo is never overdressed. The moment he arrives at the party, every other male in the room becomes underdressed."

        Unless it's a white-tie affair. Then he's a filthy barbarian and should be ejected immediately.

  13. Voland's right hand Silver badge

    Read it till this point

    There are the usual things: symmetry of the face,. That is the point where it became clear that whoever wrote the algo and fed the initial data has no clue.

    For the reference - pretty much all holders of the "my jaw just dropped" award in the actress guild as well as all supermodels are slightly ASYMMETRIC. This is a well established one in various experiments - if you give humans a perfectly symmetric sample (usually obtained by reflecting half a face in a picture along the vertical line) versus a sample with some minimal asymmetry the choose the latter. The same goes for perfect versus a couple of imperfections here and there. Just a few examples of asymmetric and imperfect beauty which have at some point held the crown of "Possibly the Most Beautiful Woman on the Planet": Ornella Mutti, Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis.

    The list can be continued ad naseum. It is a reality - you do not get in that category with a "perfect face". Shows that whoever did the algo and explained it was an engineer and needs to get out a bit more :)

    1. alferdpacker

      Re: Read it till this point

      Wow! Who knew? When you submit your AI you can program this into it and win the prize.

      1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

        Re: Read it till this point

        Wow! Who knew?

        Lots of people. The "is this face pretty, trustworthy, etc" is something that has been researched very heavily and some of it using proper scientific methods and large data samples. Similarly, what makes a fully or semi-artificial (made from multiple real elements) face for an avatar believable or not. Absolute "perfection" as symmetry, etc is perceived as "creepy" by 80%+ of the population.

        All of this is actually very well known - lots of (fairly) scientific papers on the subject. Some of it in use in 3 letters too by the way - at least some of this has been financed by them in the past as they sometimes need this (or at least used to) for agent selection.

        Clearly, whoever wrote the AI which looked for "symmetry first" has failed to do the most basic research in his field.

        1. ChrisBedford

          Re: Read it till this point

          "Clearly, whoever wrote the AI which looked for "symmetry first" has failed to do the most basic research in his field."

          Yes well maybe that line was shortened for simplicity. Acutely assymmetrical faces are (much) creepier than the perfectly symmetrical (e.g. Charles Laughton's Quasimodo) so the algorithm is *probably* looking for *near* symmetry. I'm guessing someone just didn't feel like explaining all the detail - and he obviously didn't need to, the commentards have certainly taken care of that chore.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Read it till this point

      "ad naseum" - what kind of app is that?

      1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Read it till this point

        "ad naseum" - what kind of app is that?

        Who nose.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Read it till this point

        > "ad naseum" - what kind of app is that?

        Otherwise known as "Rate My Nose"

  14. Wupspups
    Joke

    The Rynkl team, is that a hip way of saying a bunch of wrinklies?

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "[...] when I look in the mirror, I see a Greek god."

    Bacchus? Hades? Pan?

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Hephaestus.

      1. psychonaut

        Thor.....the one with the massive hammer in the pocket.....yeah baby!

      2. Dr_N Silver badge

        Uranus, shurley?

        1. psychonaut

          you call your anus Shirley?

  16. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Hipsters are officially ugly

    It's probably just as well: if your swimsuit was chafing, imagine how uncomfortable a tweed bikini would be.

  17. moiety

    As instructed, uploaded a 15Tb collection of everything David Attenborough's ever been photographed next to under the name "Alistair Dabbstoldmetodoit"

    Hope that's OK?

  18. Stoneshop Silver badge
    WTF?

    being asked my favourite colour by Michael Aspel

    Not some wizard called ...Tim?

  19. ecofeco Silver badge

    Don't let this swell your head

    ...but that's actually a pretty good pic!

  20. Potemkine Silver badge

    I learnt a lot of things with this article:

    A - Mr. Dabbs would be a very credible agent 007

    B - Dressing like a clown was very popular in the beginning of the 70s

    C - I really miss Father Ted.

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