back to article Tracy Emin dons funeral shroud, marries stone

Ground-breaking British Artist Emin Tracy has announced she has married a large stone in the South of France. The ceremony is detailed in The Art Newspaper, which reports that “Last summer, under an olive tree in her garden in France and wearing her father’s white funeral shroud, Tracey Emin married a large ancient stone.” As …

  1. Bc1609

    Attention-seeking attention-seeker seeks attention

    Glad we supplied it.

    1. Geoff May

      Re: Attention-seeking attention-seeker seeks attention

      One wonders if this person is related to that person that is sitting in the Ecuador embassy ...

      1. Preston Munchensonton
        Joke

        Re: Attention-seeking attention-seeker seeks attention

        One wonders if this person is related to that person that is sitting in the Ecuador embassy ...

        AFAIK, Ms. Emin (Mrs. Stone?) only has five fingers on each hand and has never assaulted been accused of assaulting large stones.

  2. hplasm Silver badge
    Pint

    Listen-!

    -hear the gentle song of the mighty whale! Whooook!

    Shit! Hipsters- run! Before they see the Emin...

  3. wolfetone Silver badge

    Did anyone ask the stone whether it wanted to get married to that dingbat?

    Thought not.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      He/she/it had a hard on for her.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

        1. TRT Silver badge

          with that gravelly voice and those chiselled features.

        2. kryptonaut

          And he was gneiss to her

          1. TRT Silver badge

            He's often been lichened to a Greek Statue.

            1. kryptonaut

              He used to be a red-hot lava

          2. Alister Silver badge

            I hope he'll mica great husband, and doesn't turn out to be a bit of a schist

            1. Swarthy Silver badge

              He's the basalt of the earth.

              1. Captain DaFt

                Seems like a nice solid fellow.

                I hope she doesn't take him for granite.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Something tells me they're in for a rather rocky relationship.

                  1. Mark 85 Silver badge

                    Well, she wanted someone who would stay hard.

                    1. kryptonaut

                      Someone who could make the bedrock

            2. Paul Westerman

              He should be ok, he sediment it

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Was she stoned?

  5. adnim Silver badge
    Meh

    She is lucky

    that such a thing makes her happy and feel secure.

    Meanwhile, I have reality and rationalism to temper my euphoria.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Her Pappa...

      was a rolling stone.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Her Pappa...

        Any idea on the lucky stone's name?

        Mick Jagged perhaps?

        1. P. Lee Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: Her Pappa...

          >Any idea on the lucky stone's name?

          >Mick Jagged perhaps?

          That was the rolling stone.

          This one's called Moss.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: She is lucky

      Eventually caught up with her quarry.

    3. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: She is lucky

      "that such a thing makes her happy and feel secure."

      Maybe not so lucky - I predict a rocky marriage, filled with stoney silence.

      And unfortunately, it may mean that the next load of pretentious toss great work of art we can look forward to at the Tate is 'Unmade Bedrock'...

  6. PaulAb

    Government job waiting

    Well, I think she has a bright career, she could fit in well with all the other History and Arts numpties that run us.

    Also, The demented Emin believes the stone will be there always. In france, if you rub a bit of cheese on it, it'll be eaten in a few minutes. (Other foody nations are also available)

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: Government job waiting

      Paint a face on it.

      Tell the local jihadis that it is an image of Mohammed.

      Wait a while.

      ... High explosives convert stone to a pile of dust.

      Ms. Emin discovers stone does not last that long

      Or, if we want to be more arty /less bad taste, and as performance / video art is a thing.

      Smash Ms. Emin's stone with hammers, mechanical diggers etc. - ensure process is filmed.

      Show film to Ms. Emin, filming her traumatized response.

      Make a video installation of the filming of stone destruction & Ms. Emin's response.

      Receive Turner prize

      1. Laura Kerr

        Re: Government job waiting

        Soz, Tiggity - it's clear you're not an artist.

        "Show film to Ms. Emin, filming her traumatized response."

        Nope - show film to Ms Emin, filming her aroused response.

        Ms Emin collects large quantity of stone dust. She places the dust into a clear plastic box with a fan at one end and some holes at the other.

        She turns the fan on, and lets it slowly blow the dust away. As mugs modern art lovers queue up to gaze upon the slowly-shrinking pile of dust, Ms Emin announces that her new work is called "Temporarity" and is intended as a comment on the vulnerability of the human condition and the fragility of interpersonal relationships.

        Then Ms Emin collects the Turner Prize.

  7. Alister Silver badge

    Sticking with the Bay Area, former San Francisco Chronicle editor Phil Bronstein married Sharon Stone, while renowned funkster Sly had an entire Family Stone.

    I've drunk lots of pints of Stones, does that count?

  8. Kevin Johnston

    How to phrase it politely?

    Could one suggest that next time she is back with her beloved stone she let's the stone be on top?

  9. Unep Eurobats
    Trollface

    I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

    No update on the Versailles vagina for a while...

    1. Roo
      Windows

      Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

      Is that because the pros are cynical hacks whose purpose in life is to legitimize people disposing of vast sums of wealth into tax evasion schemes, and ensure that the assets backing those schemes maintain their value rather than be written off as junk ?

      1. Michael Dunn
        Thumb Up

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        @Roo Sir, you have an upvote from me, and I only wish I could give more. You describe the whole Art Industry Scam so concisely.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

      And what exactly qualifies someone to be an art critic?

      The emperors bed has no sheets.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        Mind you... Michelangelo said that the form is in the marble and the hand of the artist merely release it from the rock. Perhaps she's saying that love is in the eye of the beholder. Or boulder.

      2. John Bailey

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        "And what exactly qualifies someone to be an art critic?"

        Lack of artistic ability?

    3. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

      Lots of criticism, but it's all directed at a silly cow who "marries" a stone. I see no art, and no art criticism.

      Why did she go and marry a French stone? Are our British stones not good enough for her?

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        I did ask an artist type what makes the difference between modern art and a 5 year olds painting? What makes it art rather than squiggles. Apparently what gives value to the painting/piece is the artist has attached a story to the painting giving it meaning, otherwise it would be a random painting that was just squiggles, (maybe pleasing to the eye squiggles but not say 50 million quids worth of squiggles). The use of Damien Hirst diamond encrusted skull was a good example, he thought it hilarious it had been created and called the for the Love of God after all the Criticism of his cow stuff.

        Basically it seems to me a lot of modern art is like a joke where someone has to explain the punchline.

        1. John H Woods Silver badge

          Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

          "Apparently what gives value to the painting/piece is the artist has attached a story to the painting giving it meaning" -- Triggerfish

          basically says that modern art is a machine for generating art criticism ... possibly true ... but some *contemporary* art is extremely good.

          1. Roo

            Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

            "basically says that modern art is a machine for generating art criticism ... possibly true ... but some *contemporary* art is extremely good."

            Agreed.

      2. Chemical Bob
        Devil

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        "Why did she go and marry a French stone? Are our British stones not good enough for her?"

        Well, the ones on the Salisbury plain are in some sort of religious order....

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: I love it when the amateur art critics come out to play

        "Why did she go and marry a French stone? Are our British stones not good enough for her?"

        I thought it was normal to get yer rocks off when you go abroad? Maybe she forget to use protection and HAD to get married?

      4. Someone_Somewhere

        Re: Why did she go and marry a French stone?

        Oh, come now; everyone knows that French stones make better lavas.

  10. Bloodbeastterror

    Wanker.

    End of message.

  11. TRT Silver badge

    If they have a child together...

    will it be a chip off the old block?

    1. Preston Munchensonton
      Joke

      Re: If they have a child together...

      will it be a chip off the old block?

      I can see it now. Mr. Chip Stone-Emin. That has a major wanker ring to it.

    2. Swarthy Silver badge

      Re: If they have a child together...

      She is already taking the megalith for granite ("it will always be there waiting for me"). The boulder has a heart of stone, so will not be overly gneiss. All in all, I think this union will put both parties between a rock and a hard place, unless they can find an igneous way to metamorph their incompatibilities.

  12. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    Odd.

    This seems terribly self-restrained by her standards.

    I've heard of groupies who've done it with all the Stones......

  13. x 7 Silver badge

    "As one of the most acclaimed artists of her generation,"

    total bollox

    "As one of the most notorious artistic con-artists of her generation,"

    more like it

    was the stone shaped like a lingham? Only way that ugly bitch would ever get any satisfaction

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Devil

      Go back to the first one for a second: <As one of the most acclaimed artists of her generation, </I>

      Who is she and who acclaimed her? And why should we all be rejoicing or concened?

    2. Triggerfish

      @X7

      Was that last line really necessary?

      1. x 7 Silver badge

        Re: @X7

        "@X7 Was that last line really necessary?"

        sorry, was calling her a "bitch" too extreme? I guess I could have said "witch" instead.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @X7

        Yes it was.

        She has a face like a dropped pie...

        A voice that only steroids could produce.

        Believes that she is contributing something worthwhile to art, much like the *twatdangle believes he contributes something positive to magic

        *David fuckwitt Blaine.

        1. Triggerfish

          Re: @X7

          Hey I don't really care about Tracey Emmin either way, and I don't really buy into the whole modern art thing either. I think I may be closer aligned with the stuckist movement than anything when I care to think about art.

          But your line seemed a little overly misogynistic.

          1. x 7 Silver badge

            Re: @X7

            "But your line seemed a little overly misogynistic."

            Really? I'll have to do better - next time it'll be really misogynistic

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      >"As one of the most notorious artistic con-artists of her generation,"

      A little unfair - she's being conned as much as anyone - wealth will be no consolation when that eventually dawns on her.

      1. Michael Dunn

        "As one of the most notorious artistic con-artists of her generation,"

        Hey, AC of 9 days ago, wealth could console me for a lot of life's, or '

        "outrageous fortune's" "slings and arrows."

        They say money cannot buy happiness. Ha! It's a lot more comforting than penury.

    4. Laura Kerr

      "Only way that ugly bitch would ever get any satisfaction"

      I suspect you're no oil painting, X7.

      I wouldn't say no to her.

      1. x 7 Silver badge

        "I wouldn't say no to her"

        I would!

        but ladies seem to have such lower standards than us men

        "I suspect you're no oil painting, X7."

        you're correct, but my friends all believe I have one hidden in the attic

  14. VinceH Silver badge

    Is it definitely a stone and not a troll?

    Oh, hang on, no - this is Earth, not the Discworld. Carry on.

    1. Swarthy Silver badge
      Trollface

      Methinks she's the one trolling.

  15. Mr Dogshit

    How is this even legal?

    I bet you couldn't even marry a stone in California.

    Did it say "I do"?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: How is this even legal?

      No, but you can keep a rock as pet so long as you care for it properly.

  16. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    I bet it was a great honeymoon...

    I'm sure the wedding night rocked her world!

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: I bet it was a great honeymoon...

      Did you feel the earth move for you darling?

      <gravelly french voice>Non, ma petite cher, je tripped over le step on le way to le bog.

  17. Peter Stone
    Happy

    It wasn't me

    I would like to take this opportunity to state that the rumours of a union between Tracy Emin & myself are totally unfounded!

    1. h4rm0ny
      Thumb Up

      Re: It wasn't me

      Doesn't your name mean "stone stone". Your parents had a sense of humour. :)

  18. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Joke

    Tracey Emin married a large ancient stone.

    Mick Jagger?

  19. x 7 Silver badge

    Well....I guess she has an excuse for when she gets arrested for cannabis use.

  20. Dr Patrick J R Harkin

    " wearing her father’s white funeral shroud,"

    Um, if he wasn't actually buried in it, does it count as his funeral shroud?

    And if he WAS buried in it - yecch! (Apart from the grave-robbing implications)

  21. Someone_Somewhere

    Emin isn't the first

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erika_Eiffel

  22. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    I'd have thought it more rewarding to form an attachment to a plastic cylinder conatining a battery-driven electric motor fitted with an eccentric cam, but that's just me.

  23. Mr. Abelazar Woozle

    NSFW....

    There is an Oglaf cartoon I recall about a young man drawing the sword of kingship from the stone but subsequently getting *ahem* stuck in it but since I'm at work right now, I'm not searching for the link, and if you're at work too, gentle reader, I'd advise you not to search for it either....

    1. x 7 Silver badge

      Re: NSFW....

      you mean this one

      http://oglaf.com/noblesse/

  24. x 7 Silver badge

    just wondering.....was it one of these weird neopagan ceremonies? I think they call it "handfisting" or something like

    1. h4rm0ny

      Hand fasting.

      1. x 7 Silver badge

        "Hand fasting."

        Handfisting sounds much more fun

  25. Paul

    Kate Moss had been the stone's previous fiancee, but he still wanted to roll, and the relationship didn't survive.

  26. x 7 Silver badge

    rocky future ahead then.

    But she always looks stoned anyway.

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