back to article German lodges todger in 13 steel rings

A Munich man has set what may prove an unassailable record for the number of steel rings lodged on a penis after presenting himself at a local hospital with no less than 13 engorgement aids encircling his swollen member. Die Welt explains that the unnamed 52-year-old had endured four days of entrapment when he rolled up at …

  1. BugabooSue
    Facepalm

    Beyone Said...

    "Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it

    If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it"

    I'm not sure this is what she meant! Silly Boy ;)

    1. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: Beyone Said...

      That was so cutting.

    2. Beachrider

      If they only kept feeding the guy 'Blue Diamonds'...

      It might have been possible to attain more hardness than the blade. Did they try it?

  2. Peter Simpson 1
    Thumb Up

    Points for the image

    ...and the imagery :-)

    "Right. That's two. Henrik, get me another blade, and another five gallons of cooling fluid, will you?"

    1. Danny 14 Silver badge

      Re: Points for the image

      Friday afternoon summer cooling fluid?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Points for the image

      ...and the imagery :-)

      I don't know about you, but I did have an involuntary cringe reaction from the combination of story subject and picture..

      I would have tried putting it on ice. Ice, ice, baby etc.

      1. 404 Silver badge

        Re: Points for the image

        If sitting in an ER with 13 rings around your Precious didn't convince you that perhaps you may be just unlucky, I don't believe adding frostbite to said Precious would be conducive to an active sex life...

        Just saying...

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: Points for the image

          The preciousssssss

          3 rings for the Elven Kings, under the sky,

          7 for the Dwarf lords, in their halls of stone,

          13 for mortal Men, doomed to die,

          One for the Dark Lord, on his Dark Throne, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

          One Ring to rule them all,

          One Ring to find them,

          One Ring to bring them all,

          Except for those 13, which are all icky, and I don't want stinking up my beautiful Barad Dur! Thankyou!

          1. Frank Marsh
            Thumb Up

            Re: Points for the image

            I ain't Spartacus: How did I overlook the Lord of the Rings connection? That would have been a travesty. I regret that I have but one upvote to give.

        2. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Points for the image

          I don't believe adding frostbite to said Precious would be conducive to an active sex life...

          Can you get frostbite from methedrine these days? Whoda thunkit? Fifty years ago it just made you ejaculate without an erection and without an orgasm. Bit of a waste of money if you ask me...

  3. PhilipN Silver badge

    How to dissipate the heat?

    I mean during the grinding process (snort... snigger) each piece of metal would run hot enough too .... Ouch. Forget it. I don't even want to go there.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: I feel sorry for the guy...

      I mean, knowing that one wrong move, one nervous twitch on the part of the saw operator and your family allowance is gone for good... it must be like staring over the edge of a priapos.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I feel sorry for the guy...

        "one nervous twitch on the part of the saw operator and your family allowance is gone for good"

        Well, it did say he was 52 years old, so perhaps he's already finished polluting our gene pool.

        1. AC Wilson

          Re: I feel sorry for the guy...

          The problem being with the gene pool that there is no life guard on duty...

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    13 ring dick technique?

    1. TRT Silver badge

      13 rings...

      definitely unlucky for some.

  5. Dr Who

    Bet he was cockahoop when they finally got them all off.

  6. DJV Silver badge
    Facepalm

    What a nob!

    See title!

    1. Glenturret Single Malt

      Re: What a nob!

      Knob?

      David Cameron is a nob (and possibly also a knob, but that is a matter of opinion).

  7. Alistair Silver badge
    Coat

    His female companion

    Mentioned that she enjoyed the ridges on the condoms, but was allergic to the latex.

    He seems an accommodating sort.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: His female companion

      Why female? Just saying...

      1. 404 Silver badge

        Re: His female companion

        The 13 Rings and the One O-Ring That Ruled Them All...

        Heard that someplace....

  8. hi_robb

    This article reminds me....

    That I haven't spoken to my German friend for ages!

    I think I'll give him a ring.....

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: This article reminds me....

      Did you get cut off?

  9. ColonelClaw

    Pedant Alert

    "...with no less than 13..."

    It's 'fewer', not 'less'. Not asking a lot; somebody who writes for a living really ought to know this.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pedant Alert

      They get paid to write this? I'm in the wrong job.

    2. Michael Habel Silver badge

      Re: Pedant Alert

      I hate these Word Crimes

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Pedant Alert

        As in "no less" used to suggest, often ironically, that something is surprising or impressive.

        "Peter cooked dinner—fillet steak and champagne, no less"

        From some internet dictionary somewhere.

    3. BlackDuke07
      FAIL

      Re: Pedant Alert

      You're going out on a limb there. Forums are full of the 'no less' v 'no fewer' arguement.

      (no less than) Used to emphasize a surprisingly large amount.

      'That test has been applied in this Court on no less than eight subsequent occasions.'

      (OxfordDictionaries)

      I guess he knows.

      I've always wanted to ask a "Grammar Nazi" something. What do you get out of this?

      1. Martin-73 Silver badge

        Re: Pedant Alert

        It's annoying to us to see incorrect usage. Even if it IS listed in 'OxfordDictionaries'.

        Back in my day they knew how to use spaces, where's my sherry

        1. Afernie
          Headmaster

          Re: Pedant Alert

          "Back in my day they knew how to use spaces, where's my sherry"

          You'll get no "arguement" from me.

        2. Bloakey1

          Re: Pedant Alert

          "It's annoying to us to see incorrect usage. Even if it IS listed in 'OxfordDictionaries'.

          Back in my day they knew how to use spaces, where's my sherry"

          Err;

          IS = is

          OxfordDictionaries = Oxford dictionaries

          Spaces = see above

          Where's my sherry = where's my sherry?

          Now call me a pedant but ... pot kettle black !

          1. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Re: Pedant Alert

            >OxfordDictionaries = Oxford dictionaries

            No, it is Oxford Dictionaries. It is the name of an organisation, and thus a proper noun. Similarly, we have British Broadcasting Corporation, BBC, and not Bbc.

            Without the space, OxfordDictionaries suggests to most people here that it is probably a website, and the capitalised D aids legibility.

        3. PNGuinn
          Headmaster

          Re: Pedant Alert

          You forgot the question mark.

        4. Montreal Sean

          Re: Pedant Alert

          @Martin-73

          In my day we learned to use question marks when writing a question.

          Just saying. ;)

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Pedant Alert

            Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUTTHEFUCKINGFUCK UP YOU BASTARD GRAMMAR NAZI FUCKING BASTARDS! WE DON'T FUCKING CARE! NOBODY CARES, NOT ONE FUCKING FUCKER APART FROM YOU!

            AAAARRRGRHHHHH!

            AAAAARRGGHGHGHGGH!

            Nurse! My medication please!

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Headmaster

            Re: Pedant Alert

            Sorry so late to the party. If there's still room, might I throw the poor hapless imbeciles who mistake thus for a "highfalutin" way of saying so into the pot? Please? Especially the ones who allow themselves to become so addled by their ignorance that they start using "thusly" when attempting to evoke thus.

            Also, RE: "There is no Old English equivalent for 'fewer'."

            ...which explains why he was unable to use it, doesn't it? A deficiency which has long since been resolved. Please try to keep up.

        5. BlackDuke07
          Thumb Up

          Re: Pedant Alert

          I should have revisited this thread earlier. I’m reading some interesting and informative posts from GNHQ itself, no fewer.

          It's a website, OxfordDictionaries.com, God knows where the '.com' went; maybe I deleted it.

          I do enjoy reading comments where the GNs start correcting each other. Great stuff… keep up the good fight.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Pedant Alert

        Because preserving the correct use of English separates us from the idiots whom believe that "of"

        and "have" are the same word.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Pedant Alert

          I could care less about any of this.

          (I really could.)

          1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

            Re: Pedant Alert

            "I could care less about any of this."

            NO NO NO NO

            It's I could care fewer.

          2. Fred Dibnah Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: Pedant Alert

            And from this side of the pond, I couldn't care less about any of this.

            (I really couldn't.)

          3. e^iπ+1=0

            Re: Pedant Alert

            "Re: Pedant Alert

            I could care less about any of this.

            (I really could.)"

            Uhh, I think I couldn't care less!

            I know this is sort of an American vs British thing, but it's interesting to compare the two statements logically and linguistically.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Pedant Alert

              Uhh, I think I couldn't care less!

              I know this is sort of an American vs British thing, but it's interesting to compare the two statements logically and linguistically.

              I think it's more down to how little different people are capable of caring. In my case I quite definitely could care less. My capacity for not caring is rarely tested to its limits even by grammar disputes.

              1. TRT Silver badge

                Re: Pedant Alert

                In my mind "less" and "fewer" are used when there is no indication of the exact number. In other words things like "10 items or fewer", "less than 10grams of cocaine" etc.

                In this instance, the phrase "[...] himself [...] with no less than 13 engorgement aids encircling his swollen member" produces the received meaning of "the chap had 13 rings on his cock, no less" which equals "the chap had 13 rings on his cock, amazingly". Rephrasing the original, it comes out as "presenting himself at a local hospital with an amazing 13 engorgement aids encircling his swollen member"

                It's not that they didn't know how many he had jammed on there, of course they did, it's just that "no less" was being used like an adjective.

                "The person who showed up to perform the removal operation was no less than the head surgical consultant". Being a countable item, shouldn't that be "... operation was no fewer than the head surgical consultant"? Of course not.

            2. KeithR

              Re: Pedant Alert

              "but it's interesting to compare the two statements logically and linguistically."

              Ours (English English) wins on both counts....

          4. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Bloakey1

          Re: Pedant Alert

          "Because preserving the correct use of English separates us from the idiots whom believe that "of"

          and "have" are the same word."

          Whom = who

          1. John 156

            Re: Pedant Alert

            Yes, people who are unable to parse a simple English sentence have no business issuing strictures on correct usage. Clearly, 'who' is the subject of the adjectival clause qualifiying 'idiots'.

        3. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Pedant Alert

          Whilst being a grammar pedant myself (my particular bugbear is the inability of some to distinguish the words lose and loose), I also like to wind other pedants up. I do this by liberal use of the word 'fewer' when the correct word is 'less'. This is like fingernails down a blackboard for a died-in-the-wool true grammar nazi.

          1. Slate

            Re: Pedant Alert

            Shouldn't that be dyed-in-the-wool?

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: dyed-in-the-wool

              Leave. The. Sheep. Alone.

              Damned preverts.

              1. PNGuinn
                Headmaster

                Re: dyed-in-the-wool

                To be consistent, shouldn't that have been "Damned. perverts."?

          2. Laura Kerr
            Headmaster

            Re: Pedant Alert

            "died-in-the-wool"

            DYED-in-the-wool!

            1. Captain DaFt

              Re: Pedant Alert- parting shot

              My only take on this whole kerfuffle is:

              If I've had fewer pints, I've had less beer.

              So I'm off for another round. :)

            2. This post has been deleted by its author

            3. AC Wilson

              Re: Pedant Alert

              @ Laura Kerr - I dunno, sheep die in the wool all the time, but are rarely dyed in the wool.

              1. David 132 Silver badge
                Facepalm

                Re: Pedant Alert

                Only on El Reg would commenters, on a story about a chap getting his todger trapped in metal rings, obsess about the grammar of the article.

          3. Vic

            Re: Pedant Alert

            I do this by liberal use of the word 'fewer' when the correct word is 'less'.

            You utter, utter bastard...

            Vic.

      3. Grade%

        Re: Pedant Alert

        "I've always wanted to ask a "Grammar Nazi" something. What do you get out of this?"

        There be no getting. 'Tis but a reaction las Pavlov, to correct an effable error, unlike the multitude of distortions in the web of reality we're forced to abide which we cannot do anything about. In other words, it's all death and taxes out there but at least I can impart yet again what the difference is betwixt loose and lose. Sigh. Yes, I am a sad little man in a sad little world. Happy now?

        1. kiwimuso
          Headmaster

          Re: Pedant Alert

          @Grade%

          While we're on the subject of pedantry.

          "which we cannot do anything about" > about which we can do nothing.

          Just saying!

      4. This post has been deleted by its author

      5. KeithR

        Re: Pedant Alert

        "I've always wanted to ask a "Grammar Nazi" something. What do you get out of this?"

        Separates us from dumb animals...

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. BurnT'offering

          Re: What do you get out of this?"

          I'm guessing it isn't hot sex

    4. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Pedant Alert

        > King Alfred the Great used "less" for countable nouns.

        I doubt whether he used the word "less" at all - given that he spoke West Saxon and not English..

        1. Fibbles

          Re: Pedant Alert

          I doubt whether he used the word "less" at all - given that he spoke West Saxon and not English..

          West Saxon is also known as Old English. The Old English word for 'less' is 'læssa'. There is no Old English equivalent for 'fewer'.

      2. BurnT'offering

        Re: Pedant Alert

        Can't be assed to look up the exact numbers but, in his plays, Shakespeare uses 'less' 325 times and 'fewer' 3 times. Stupid Shakespeare. Perhaps the pedants could usefully occupy themselves in correcting his work. Preferably on a desert island with no connectivity

    5. PNGuinn
      Headmaster

      Re: Pedant Alert

      You forgot the icon.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pedant Alert

      "It's 'fewer', not 'less'."

      18th century pedantry, just another rule invented to help the public schoolboys detect oiks (from oikos, meaning townspeople). While you've been obsessing over fewer/less, genuinely useful distinctions like diinterested/uninterested have died. Pedants are always fighting the wrong battles.

    7. Ed_UK

      Re: Pedant Alert

      <<

      "...with no less than 13..."

      It's 'fewer', not 'less'. Not asking a lot; somebody who writes for a living really ought to know this.

      >>

      Well...

      Having carried this 'rule' in my head for decades, I was somewhat surprised when the lingo experts on BBC Radio 4 debunked it as a bit of 'hypercorrection*.' They said that the use of 'less' to denote quantity OR count has a long and valid history.

      *Hypercorrect = over-pedantic application of rules which are actually wrong. E.g, insisting that "octopi" is the plural of "octopus" when it isn't.

      Being a pedant is one thing, but being a WRONG pedant is really undesirable.

      1. To Mars in Man Bras!
        Headmaster

        Re: Pedant Alert

        You people are giving pedantry a bad name, by nit-picking on such minor quibbles. If those were the only flaws, rampant in written English, I'd be delighted. Save your spleen-venting [as I do] for the folks who:

        1: Use "your" and "you're" interchangeably

        2: Do likewise with "their", "there" and "they're"

        3: Think apostrophe+S indicates a plural

        4: Mix together UK and US English [I'm looking at you El Reg]

        5: Use "could care less" when they mean the exact opposite [I'm looking at you 'Merkins']

        6: Have a vocabulary for expressing positivity which consists entirely and solely of the word "Awesome" [I'm looking at you again 'Merkins']

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Carry On

    OOOOOh! Matrom...

  11. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
    Flame

    Fire! Burn baby burn!

    It must be tempting for the fire brigade to rock up with a blowtorch and point out the usual way of removing metal rings is to heat them up until they expand and slide off.

    1. Peter Simpson 1
      Thumb Up

      Re: Fire! Burn baby burn!

      The other half of the technique is to soak the shaft in ice or liquid nitrogen, so it shrinks.

      They should have brought some LN2...

      ...bet the shrinkage would have started when he saw them come in the door with it :-)

      1. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Fire! Burn baby burn!

        Tell the unfortunate soul that lasers will be used, then take him to the nearest swimming pool. When he looks confused, explain "That's where we keep the sharks."

        Although the average Joe just wouldn't understand.

      2. PNGuinn
        Coat

        Re: Liquid nitrogen ...

        That would shirley have caused severe enbrittlent.

        Would've made removal easy though, and everyone could then have called him "Shirley".

        Thanks - it's the one with the disposable insulating gloves in the pocket.

  12. Garry Perez

    Do the quacks really need to call the fire brigade in for this sort of stuff, or are they just doing it for shits and giggles?

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      I suspect a bit of both

      They have kit which can cut through way more serious stuff than steel nowdays. You have to have it when dealing with the various space alloys and ceramics which go into the prosthetics and implants.

      However, that kind of gear is usually not in A&E (it is only in places where they do specialized surgery). There is definitely a sh*ts and giggles element too and that is on purpose. They want the most ridiculous instances to become famous enough for people not to try it again and create more work for the A&E department (though that usually does not work - people never learn).

      1. SolidSquid

        Re: I suspect a bit of both

        Firemen get training, at least the specialist teams do, on how to cut people out of vehicles etc without injuring them. I suspect it's largely because it's easier to get the firemen to come in and do the job than to try and get the fancy surgeons to do so (and a hell of a lot cheaper too I suspect)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I suspect a bit of both

        They have kit which can cut through way more serious stuff than steel nowdays.

        The easy way, surely, would have been to put a couple of leeches on the end of his todger and let sufficient blood out until the hoops just fall off.

    2. alain williams Silver badge

      Would our junior doctors (on strike today) have regarded this as an emergency and done something, or told him that he must wait until tomorrow ?

      1. BongoJoe

        Would our junior doctors (on strike today) have regarded this as an emergency and done something, or told him that he must wait until tomorrow ?

        I would suggest then that he makes his way over the border into Wales. Though how the German lad is to get onto the train at Paddington or Euston without causing offence is, indeed, another conundrum.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          ...how the German lad is to get onto the train at Paddington or Euston...

          Stand clear of the doors...

    3. TRT Silver badge

      Well they called the emergency services...

      Because every time his friend tried to pull one off he started screaming "Nein, nein, nein!"

    4. Captain Badmouth

      @Garry Perez

      Neither, it's for insurance/negligence porpoises.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    Tungsten carbide would be a better choice for rings because it's stiffer than steel, but at a push can be cracked in a vice and removed.

    Same for rings that go on your finger.

    1. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      "Tungsten carbide would be a better choice for rings because it's stiffer than steel, but at a push can be cracked in a vice and removed.

      Same for rings that go on your finger."

      But it was something getting stiffer that caused the whole problem in the first place!

      And you say this as if putting your precious hampton in a steel vice is a good thing...

      </Cringe>

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      > (Tungsten Carbide) Same for rings that go on your finger.

      OldestBrother (he of the habit of swinging from trees for a living) has a wedding ring made of the softest gold he can find - on the basis that he can snap it easily if it gets caught..

      1. KeithR

        "on the basis that he can snap it easily if it gets caught."

        I reckon his finger will still fail before the wedding ring though...

    3. PNGuinn
      Coat

      re "Tungsten carbide ... stiffer than steel"

      Methinks that stiffness was the fundamental problem here ...

      Mind you, one wonders if just showing him the picture at the head of this article might have brought about a rapid case of brewers' droop ...

  14. Steve 16
    Pirate

    Die Welt

    Shouldn't that be DeWalt?

    Would make for some novel marketing material.

    1. Mike Moyle Silver badge

      Re: Die Welt

      No, no... It's because the whole situation is likely to leave Die Welt on the affected area.

  15. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    "How was work today, dear?"

    I wonder, do they have a special task force for that sort of thing?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      the Paramedicks Response Unit

      1. Captain DaFt

        Todger Dislodger Dispatch?

  16. This post has been deleted by its author

  17. ntevanza

    yikes

    If this is compression, I don't want to see how deduplication works.

  18. Christoph Silver badge

    Did they first try using a thread?

    Did they try the usual method for rings stuck on fingers? Pass the end of a piece of string under the ring, then wrap it all the way down, then unwrap from the top sliding the ring along as you do.

    A penis is presumably more compressible than a finger since there's no bone.

    1. WylieCoyoteUK
      Coat

      Re: Did they first try using a thread?

      "A penis is presumably more compressible than a finger since there's no bone."

      That all depends, on whether the sight of a fireman excites him......

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Did they first try using a thread?

      NO, certainly not

      they'd have no need of the fire brigade, media and twitter posts if they took the non patronising and embarrassing way of doing it

      also it'll make him think twice next time

    3. Bloakey1

      Re: Did they first try using a thread?

      These were firemen and not sex workers. That kind of treatment is called an extra and is chargeable as such.

    4. Glenturret Single Malt

      Re: Did they first try using a thread?

      Reminds me of the old medical joke about the attractive young female sudent carrying out dissection of the male genitalia in anatomy class. After a while, she calls over the demonstrator saying, "I can't find the bone."

  19. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Happy

    Ringo

    Why didn't the hospital just take him to the MRI department? Those steel rings would have soon flown off.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BBx8BwLhqg

    1. cd / && rm -rf *
      Devil

      Re: Ringo

      Why didn't the hospital just take him to the MRI department? Those steel rings would have soon flown off

      Along with his todger, presumably.

  20. WylieCoyoteUK
    IT Angle

    tips and corrections

    For some reason, I read that as part of the text and nearly choked on my coffee.

    Icon: maybe it should be where's the IT angle grinder?

  21. werdsmith Silver badge

    Hampton ????

    That's a new one. Where did that appear from? Hampton Caught Phallus?

    1. TitterYeNot

      Re: Hampton ????

      "That's a new one. Where did that appear from? Hampton Caught Phallus?"

      Hampton Wick, me ol' china...

      1. x 7

        Re: Hampton ????

        "Hampton Wick"

        wasn't that going to be the next series after Camberwick Green and Trumpton?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hampton ????

      Hampton Wick - figure it out.

      Confirming that google presented Hampton Wick Surgery. It would have been too much to ask that they specialize in the male member.

      I should learn to type quicker but I'll leave this here for the surgery reference.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hampton ????

      http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/slang/hampton_wick

    4. mgreenaw

      Re: Hampton ????

      Hampton Wick.

    5. Mark 65

      Re: Hampton ????

      Pity those who reside in the seaside town of Littlehampton.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Hampton ????

        Pity those who reside in the seaside town of Littlehampton.

        I don't think them with little Hamptons would have the same problem.

        1. Mark 65

          Re: Hampton ????

          You misunderstood. I meant pity them because it's a fucking shithole.

  22. Sleep deprived
    Trollface

    Why so much haste?

    The thing eventually dries up and falls off.

  23. chivo243 Silver badge

    said it before, gotta be an easier way

    Just think of an ex-wife or something horrific, cold shower? Swimming pool -> "There was shrinkage Jerry, Shrinkage!" Bellowed Geroge

  24. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    I tried to read the whole article,

    as is recommended before commenting, but my eyes were watering too much...

  25. CCCP
    FAIL

    Vorsprung durch Technik?

    German application of engineering at its worst. Use something stretchy FFS.

    But great recovery.

  26. Sir Barry
    Coat

    Hmmm

    Will he now be known as Lord of The Ring(s)

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Hmmm

      Sore-one the Great.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Gimp

        Re: Hmmm

        Beware The Eye of Sore-one

    2. Mark 65

      Re: Hmmm

      Does that make the medical staff and the firemen the Fellowship of the Ring?

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Was this a translation error?

    I mean, he eventually got to "grinder" ..

  28. TRT Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Excuse me...

    Where's the IT angle (grinder)?

  29. x 7

    he was lucky.....they could have been electroshock rings

    see http://bit.ly/1nzEnGb (NSFW or for viewing after a few pints)

  30. TRT Silver badge

    Maybe...

    he was using it like some sort of scoreboard?

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hydrogen

    It would be interesting to immerse the affected area in something with nascent hydrogen - connect the rings with copper wire, immerse in dilute acetic acid and connect via a suitable battery to a carbon anode. After a while the rings should embrittle enough to be snapped off. Assuming they're mild steel.

    Another electrolytic option would be to reverse the current and simply dissolve the rings off.

    However, since this seems to be becoming a common A&E problem, perhaps what is needed is a suitable tool with grippers disposed around a circle and connected to a mechanism which then gradually pulls them all outward, expanding the ring without risk.

    But in the long term perhaps the best option is to require that all metal rings in a certain size range must be sold in a box with an accompanying health warning in all the official community languages: Sticking your dick in this ring may endanger your dignity.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Hydrogen

      Generate a current, perhaps by moving metal through a magnetic field... whilst immersed in a mildly acidic environment? Could be a powerful magnetic belt worn by a female then. I will call it a platey-pussy.

  32. GrumpenKraut Silver badge
    Pint

    European shlong contest

    Germany: 13 points

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: European shlong contest

      Is there now some world wide competition going on for this? Maybe a photo in the Guinness Book of World Records? I'm waiting for that moment in a bar when some fool yells: "Hey y'all look at this!!!" Followed by a quick "Uh-oh.. call the fire department.".

  33. Scroticus Canis
    Devil

    Took an hour to remove...

    Of that it was 56 minutes for the team of firemen to stop laughing and 4 minutes with the angle grinders.

  34. PaulyV

    Did he...

    ...enter a downward spiral?

  35. wx666z
    Thumb Up

    Mr. Haines + comments

    One of the few remaining reasons for me visiting El Reg after the downgrade are the articles by Mr. Haines

    and the comments. Congrats to my fellow commentards, I still have a spare keyboard hooked up to the Pi.

    Which I will be using the rest of the day....

    P.S. Thanks for the Pi U.K.!

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Mr. Haines + comments

      You're too kind, even if my grammar is fewer than satisfactory for some of our beloved commentards.

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge

        fewer than satisfactory

        Well bowled, sir!

        1. Captain Badmouth
          Happy

          Re: Pedantry

          http://dilbert.com/strip/2001-10-12

      2. Commswonk Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Mr. Haines + comments

        "...even if my grammar is fewer than satisfactory..."

        I've just done a Catbert and laughed myself fuzzy.

        Plus tears of mirth getting into the keyboard.

      3. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Mr. Haines + comments

        Well played sir... Have one on me!

  36. PhilipN Silver badge

    So far no-one has made the obvious comment

    .... Germans! Sheesh!

    Or is it ... 13 rings? Pfft - midget!

    1. Michael Thibault

      Re: So far no-one has made the obvious comment

      Er... no! The obvious comment is a question:

      After which ring was bloodflow to the brain diminished to the point that stupid kicked in?

      Answer: after the 0th (but before the 1st).

  37. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    Was he called Wagner by any chance

    Comment goes here

  38. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

    <sigh> Only in America...

    ..oh...wait.

    ...for a few weeks until some redneck decides he needs to take the record back to good ole USofA. and attempt 14.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I see you tried to fix this yourself

    Four days of DIY attempts must have gone very badly before settling on firefighters with angle grinders.

  40. Pompous Git Silver badge

    There's a school of thought...

    ... believes he was trying to steel a YL's virginity. However, he was of the opinion that this didn't really matter since she would still have the box it came in. Or he came in or something...

  41. Jason Hindle

    That photo made me wince

    Well, that photo under that headline made me wince!

  42. To Mars in Man Bras!
    Headmaster

    Lack of Foresight Nearly Leading to Lack of Foreskin?

    Do none of these sexually adventurous folks possess any foresight?... or tools of their own?

    If I was planning to insert my nether regions into something "unorthodox", which it might subsequently prove difficult to remove it from, and which I'd rather not have World + Dog© read about on the internets –I'd make sure to have a Dremel on stand-by in the house or tool-shed, just in case I needed to perform a "self-extraction"!

    1. d3rrial

      Re: Lack of Foresight Nearly Leading to Lack of Foreskin?

      Or at least reserach how your nether regions, or whatever you wish to insert into them (or them into) works.

      What? A dick that has an external backflow valve imposed on it DOES NOT DEFLATE? Whoever could have known?!

      1. d3rrial

        Re: Lack of Foresight Nearly Leading to Lack of Foreskin?

        Reserach... My typing skills are at an all time high today.

    2. KeithR

      Re: Lack of Foresight Nearly Leading to Lack of Foreskin?

      "Do none of these sexually adventurous folks possess any foresight?"

      Or foreskins.

  43. ShadowDragon8685

    Wow. Your European firefighters are loads more hardcore than our American ones, but your medical professionals are pants-on-head retarded by comparison.

    Here in eagleland, our firemen tend to faint, or at least Nope the hell out, if you ask them to approach a fellow's machinery with, um, machinery.

    We go for the much safer and simpler option; a urologist drains the dude's dick of blood by making a cut (liberal use of anesthetic is preferred,) and then the constricting object(s) can simply be removed. As a bonus, you also get the ring back, if you want it back, this way. (This can be an important consideration if, say, said ring was a wedding ring.)

  44. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    Rings on Todgers

    Any male contemplating such activity should first take a look at how castration is performed on lambs. A starter pack for 100 lambs costs just £10.40.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Rings on Todgers

      I've performed that operation once, using a tool not unlike a pair of pliers. It breaks the veins/tubes, but not the skin. The sound is quite tummy turning.

      Eventually the dead matter just drops off

      ]:P

    2. x 7

      Re: Rings on Todgers

      around fifteen years ago near here, a young farmer on his stag night was fitted with a castration ring by his mates as a joke.....in their drunken stupor it was left on overnight, by which time the damage had been done and his bollocks were dead.

      Strange thing is the marriage still went ahead.

  45. stevenotinit

    Thank you El Reg for giving this Yank a hearty guffaw today!

    Two thumbs up!

  46. Sceptic Tank
    Thumb Up

    Ring of Ice, Ring of Ice ....

    So what's his name .. Mr. Richard Head from Ringwood?

    Anyway, I suspect that there's a Free Willy joke in there somewhere.

    (A ringed bird can still fly. A ring doesn't close a hole, etc., etc.)

  47. cray74

    Tales of Entrapment

    One of my mother's first patients when she started nursing in the 1960s was a homeless man who wandered into the ER with the neck of a glass bottle cinched around the anatomical member under discussion here. Most of the staff were flustered, but a doctor solved matters expediently: he got a hammer from maintenance personnel, wrapped the appendage in cloth to contain fragments, and gave the glass a tap. Scarcely a nick.

    My brother, a fire fighter and paramedic, took a call by a middle aged man who was trapped in a chaise lounge. The man had stepped out on his porch to enjoy the sunrise and, being in a rural area with no nearby neighbors, didn't bother with clothing when he relaxed in the lounge. In time, dangling bits became entrapped between straps and necessitated fire fighter intervention. Simple scissors worked in that case. The codger was apparently a sport and told his rescuers they didn't need to hold back the laughter, just his name in any retellings.

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